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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Came to a conclusion...but ladies don't be angry
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I was reading some statistics about divorce. Seems that 50% to 60% of all marriages end up in divorce these days. I think most of us can agree to that figure. What I also read is that 90% of all divorces are filed by women. That's a HUGE number to me. So on the high side, if there is a 60% divorce rate, and 90% of that 60% is being filed by women, it means there are a lot of unhappy women out there. Now I think about the other 40% to 50% of women who are still married. Let's say half of those stay married for the sake of the children or for financial reasons, etc and won't pull the trigger to divorce. Here is what it says to me. At least 75% of women out there are very unhappy in their marriages, plain and simple. But they stay in it regardless.

This means one or two things to me. Men are either really bad at marriage OR (and I believe this one more) women just expect way too much from men. I think many might be watching too many Hollywood movies at what they believe marriage should be like. Now I'm not talking about the men who cheat. To me that's a totally different ballgame. Those women have every right to leave the marriage based only on that. But for those of you women whom have divorced, I wonder (in even talking to your married girlfriends) if this is a justified conclusion?

I'm friends with a couple whose wife once said..."I think I married a good guy, don't you think?" I told her well it's not up to me to decide that (he is a great guy), but it's came across like women are CONSTANTLY measuring up their husbands throughout the whole marriage. And they are constantly thinking about divorce somehow. Like it's a never ending game of some sort.

I think a lot of times if I will ever get remarried. Then I think about this and tell myself "Why would I ever get married again based in this conclusion? Chances are she's just going to be unhappy in the long run over something." I'm not looking to get divorced a second time if I ever do remarry. It's a sad conclusion, but I think maybe I'm just not good enough to be married to. I will never be able to sustain a woman's expectations of what a husband should be. KWIM?

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 11:35 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)]


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Artemisia
Member
Member # 40564
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I think, when looking at filing statistics, it's important to keep in mind that the person who ultimately files isn't always the person who "wanted" the divorce, at first or at all. There are financial and emotional reasons to file, even if you want nothing more than to keep the marriage.

Posts: 112 | Registered: Sep 2013
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Well, I don't have high expectations...I just expected him to not have an A? I was content, happy a lot of the time, until he started his A behaviour. Then the extreme emotional distancing, gaslighting etc began. That's when I got unhappy...


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 875 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
newlysingle
Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)

In my case, I married a man child that would have no clue how to file for D. Even though he had already run off with OW and said he was done. I had no choice but to once again be the adult and take care of things. I'm so glad to be rid of that third child.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 878 | Registered: Mar 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Dude. I'm not angry, but I do want to poke you with a sharp stick.

Want to know why I stayed in my marriage year after year, even though I was unhappy? I did it because I was afraid to leave. I was afraid of being judged. I was afraid of losing custody of my kids. I was afraid of what he'd do to the kids when he had them alone for visitation.

My expectations of my husband weren't too high.

Most married women who have children know that if we pull the trigger on our marriage our economic situation is going to go in the toilet (welfare & food stamps are very common for us), our housing situation is likely to go in the crapper, and we'll have to witness our children be torn apart emotionally. Believe it or not, there is a biological imperative that is physically impossible to remove from our bodies. It's there just like our bones are there. So we stay in our marriages for the sake of our children. Very often we end up filing for divorce for the same reason, when it becomes too unbearable to stay, when we recognize the damage to our children will be greater if we remain married.

I think your conclusion & thoughts in your final paragraph suggest you need to do some serious work on yourself with an IC. There's some serious misogyny in your words.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9509 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
hangingontohope7
Member
Member # 20024
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I guess I'm in the 10% because I didn't file for the D.


Me: BW
DDay #1 Tried R
DDAY #2 Divorcing

Burn everything love then burn the ashes.


Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2008
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)

it's important to keep in mind that the person who ultimately files isn't always the person who "wanted" the divorce, at first or at all

Well to me there are only TWO reasons to file for divorce; financial or emotional. I would think it's safe to say that every reason probably comes back ultimately to one of those two. If you don't want to divorce, then why are you filing for it? Is it's because it's so easy these days to get divorced. Hell it's advertised everywhere. At least two or three commercials by divorce lawyers on the 5 o'clock local news every night. "Just pick up and call!"


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
jackfish
Member
Member # 40257
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Man or Woman. A big part is one or both of us is having what's dubbed as "mid-life crisis". Also, things like financial survival, parenting (crazy schedules), debt, tiredness, health issues. Many of these situations take away the "Romance", not the REAL Love that's burned in, but the same ol same ol contributes to the F-ing fantasies. It's seems to be an "escape" mentality. One partner may be stronger than the other and see the true-ness of the love in the marriage, and therefore, no infidelity. Whereas, the other is just too weak and gives in. (I'm talking in what we see as "good mariages", not the abusive type ones).

In my sitch, shit, "I" should have been the one running!! But I beared down and wanted it to work and last forever. Her? Just jump ship and be "rescued".

But I don't think it's necessarily a man/woman thing.


Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2013
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I think your conclusion & thoughts in your final paragraph suggest you need to do some serious work on yourself with an IC. There's some serious misogyny in your words.

I'm sorry but I disagree with you. I never even thought about divorce until exWW did what she did. Now I guess I see it in a whole different light now. It doesn't mean I need IC and work on myself. I get tired of hearing that after 2.5 years. The fact is that 60% of all second marriages fail. That's almost higher than first marriages. I'm not a woman and I'm just intrigued by the numbers. As a man all I'm doing is trying to understand these numbers. I'm sure there are plenty of great women out there to remarry one day. But for now I'm looking at it from "not so rose colored glasses". I think that's perfectly acceptable right now and it's just something that hit me while I was reading. And frankly IC never really helped me personally all that much. I think SI helped me much more understand what was transpiring with exWW.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 12:06 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

If you don't want to divorce, then why are you filing for it?

Wow. Really?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9509 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

So those 2nd marriages...well if they're WS marrying, they're probably going to do it again, and again, ifthey haven't done the work on themselves. Thatwould raise those statistics a lot.

BTW, I'm not filing and don't want to. but what do you do if your WS is openly breaking the vows?

Have you thought that the problem (just playing Devil's advocate here)is men who intentionally manipulate the situation so that they get what they want (the D) without having to appear the bad guy by filing themselves? Or that men are worried that they would be worse off financially and so continue in misery because of the money? You see there are other reasons out there. I don't think you can assume anything about the reasons, just from statistics. But i do think that your assumption says a lot about how you feel right now and is something to discuss in IC

[ETA: I don't hold any of those positions/thoughts about men, myself!]

[This message edited by Softcentre at 12:14 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 875 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

women just expect way too much from men. I think many might be watching too many Hollywood movies at what they believe marriage should be like.

I can only speak for myself and a few other women I know who fit or used to fit this mindset, but I agree with you.

I do think many women have no clue about realistic expectations for marriage. For these women (not ALL women), "Sex and the City" is their model for what their sex life should look like and "The Real Housewives of [Wherever]" is what modern marriage looks like. Or "Days of Our Lives," or "50 Shades of Grey," or name any one of thousands of media portrayals that give a skewed perception of life today.

Add to that the fact that so many of today's adults have divorced parents and that infidelity runs completely rampant and many folks are receiving the message that "everyone does it" or it's OK to have a "starter marriage," etc....

I was one of these people who didn't choose values and character as a young adult, and I had a completely unrealistic view of what marriage "should" be like. I completely screwed up my life because I bought into the crap portrayed in the media: love and romance look like *this* and if yours doesn't, then it's not "meant to be" and it's wrong. Your man should do X, Y, and Z and if he doesn't, then he's not "The One."

I'm not going to paint a majority of women with this brush, because I don't know a "majority" of women, and obviously the ladies on SI don't fit this mold. But I'll speak from my perspective as one who did, for over a decade, fit this mold, and I'm ashamed to have been a part of it.

Unfortunately, I think the train has jumped the rails, and I doubt that things will ever go back.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2100 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I think there are a lot of ways to view that statistic, if it's correct, and that you're choosing to look at it from the standpoint of women being demanding, or judgmental, or unfair in their expectations.

And yes, because of your experience you're seeing things from that angle. To a certain extent that's normal. You're wearing lenses that are focusing your vision to match your emotions right now. You definitely have the right to spend some time feeling a little bitter. Then you'll get through that process, hopefully, and emerge on the other side. Maybe you can revisit this question then, and your magnification lens will have shifted a bit.

For the record? Most of the women I know who filed for divorce worked very hard on keeping their marriage together, and didn't want the divorce. I didn't want to divorce my first husband, but he was cheating, and he wouldn't work on the marriage, and he wouldn't initiate a divorce. I could have remained married to a man with a girlfriend (I was pregnant at the time, too) but I was having emotional breakdowns each night, and after a few months I couldn't take it anymore. I loved him very much. I couldn't stay married to him under those circumstances, but those were the only circumstances I was given. Neither of us had a dime back then, so there were no financial motivations.

There are many reasons people get divorced when they would dearly love to stay married. I'm sure my experience was only one, but it's a common one. It's actually a common one on SI.

I hope you do heal Sean, and that you find a really healthy relationship that doesn't feel like one in which you have to measure up.


Posts: 3188 | Registered: Mar 2005
debbysbaby
Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Someone used to have the signature on here "I may have filed for divorce, but you, wayward spouse, ended the marriage."

My expectations of marriage weren't that much. Just treat me kind, as in respect me and be my friend and love me. And don't betray me. He broke everyone of those starting in the first year.

I stayed because of hope. I stayed because of a very dysfunctional love. I stay because I never had children to send them off with an emotionally and verbally abusive man for days at a time. And no, I had no idea that's the kind of man he would turn into. Until it was too late.

When he walked out the door for his other woman, half his age. He left me no choice. For most women like me, I think they're left with no choice but filing for divorce or living with a cheater or abuser.

I did a sort of informal poll of men who had no reason to lie to me. I asked what percentage of men they felt were faithful in their marriages. The answer came back at probably 20 to 25%. I think those's stats are pretty telling right there, and given the people who answered the question and their relationship with me, I have little reason to believe they would lie.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 858 | Registered: Aug 2011
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

A lot of great points here. Men generally don't talk to married women about stuff like this usually (except maybe in a lot of our cases here!) but I was just wondering if many of you who talk to their married girlfirends (and we know y'all talk) are generally unhappy based on what I keep reading. Frankly it's just something that startled me. I think my exWW also had unrealistic visions of marriage. She was the type that constantly watched old 40's, 50's and 60's movies. She would comment all the time that she never understood why women don't wear dresses all the time while at home doing choirs (really?). While dating I thought this was cute. I had me an "old fashioned" type of girl. I think she had an unhealthy vision on what reality was. So much she never said anything about being unhappy. I'm not a mind reader and refuse to be in any future relationship. I guess I'm just wondering and trying to teach myself to view red flags down the road for this. I think it's a great step in working on myself. We all talk about identifying red flags in the future as a part of growing from this experience.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
HopeImOverIt
Member
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I believe the 90% figure applies only to college educated couples. The general figure is more like 70%.

I appreciate that you used the phrasing "filed by women" as opposed to what some sources phrase as INITIATED by women. I think we all know many MANY cases where one spouse walked away from the marriage, either by cheating or by simple abandonment, and the person who was LEFT ended up filing the divorce. Not because they "wanted" it, but because the left person was the one who was responsible enough to follow through on the legalities.


Me: BW (50)
ExWH: (51)
2 teen-age boys
Divorced

Posts: 258 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I think we live in a society where "Eat, Pray, Love" was a best seller. We live in a society where people are disposable and it's OK to be selfish. I do think there is something to your conclusion, although I don't think it is fair to make the assumption that it universally applies to all women.

It would be a mistake to generalize. I think that there are far too many people of both genders who have an unrealistic view of marriage and relationships and they are miserable as a result. I think that there are far too many people who buy into extremely ignorant stereotypes (there are several great examples of that in this thread) which cloud their perceptions.


Posts: 1656 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Helen of Troy
Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Cheating men don't file for divorce they'd rather eat cake.
That throws off the statistics.

As far as marital happiness or marital satisfaction (where infidelity is NOT an issue), men and women rank equally in my opinion.


Posts: 4693 | Registered: Dec 2009
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

While dating I thought this was cute. I had me an "old fashioned" type of girl.

Your ex sounds a bit immature, but I think you had the unrealistic point of view.

You logic is so skewed that it would take an inordinate amount of time to dissect it. Just your statement alone about women who file for divorce are unhappy with their marriages is so subjective that it's laughable.

Yes; I see a lot of misogny here...


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20019 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Well, I know this is not my board, and anecdotal evidence means crap, but in my marriage it was my H who was constantly evaluating whether or not he wanted to be with me, and he is the one who filed. So yeah, doesn't hold true in every case.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6671 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I never considered D until he cheated on me. And, in the beginning I wanted to work on our M. He took his A underground. Then he went NC for several weeks after I packed and was moving out upon discovery of secret phone. Finally, I thought, he is coming to his senses.
Then, she emailed and emailed and emailed, oh poor me, I NEED you my KISA. We can be "just friends" please oh please oh please advise me on blah blah blah. He has a sick need for attention and adoration.
He came home from deployment and moved out the very next morning.
Now, I've filed for LS...can't afford the health insurance or dental insurance until I finish paying off this lawyer. But then converting to D once I've paid the insurance up front.
He has moved his AP, 20 years younger I might add, from PA to our state.
Was I unhappy in the M. Sometimes, but I DID have a healthy, realistic expectation that that was just marriage sometimes. You work on it, communicate, and forgive without bringing up the past. I did, but he didn't.
He told me he had the affair because I was upset about him buying a $90,000 Cadillac Escalade, that we couldn't afford. Said I said some "harsh" things to him.
Ummmm dumbass, you bought the Escalade in 07....your affair was in 10. Compartmentlaization at it's best?????
So, I don't know about your statistics, but I know it is ok to be disappointed in our M sometimes. That is going to happen when you take two people, and become one, when both have distinct and oftentimes different upbringings, family issues, perspectives, moral values, views on child rearing, hell who likes burgers and who likes hot dogs.
That is M. Maybe it's just society in general that has become more accepting of D and broken homes.
Ahhh, what do I know!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2213 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
ninebark
Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

It is so easy to skew a statistic like that without getting facts. How many husbands cheated, how many women cheated, how many had abusive husbands, how many escaped a spouse with a drug and alcohol addition.....the list goes on.

This is like me saying "we'll since the courts generally award custody of the children to the mother, that must mean men aren't very good parents."

There are a multitude of reasons for divorce, why are women the one to file more,.,.i don't know, but I am going to look further into the facts before I make a statement that is less than flattering to half the population. Don't be angry.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I might fit your profile. Still married, would like to be wearing dresses from the 40's, not always very happy being married. Yet all of my female friends are happily married, some are for the first time, some for the second or third time. I don't talk about my marriage to them, so maybe they think I am happy too? I don't talk about it because I am to busy being the major bread winner, working 50-60 hrs a week,, doing most of the household chores,paying bills, taking care of family, etc while my h works less than 40 hours, mows the lawn and spends all the rest of his Time on his hobbies.

So... If I were to take the brush that has defined my marriage and use it to broad brush all men, I would say that women are tired. Just that. Tired. Maybe we want a partner, someone who lifts us up, takes care of us and gives = to what we are giving. But I do not think that is true of all women or even a statistical percentage.

I prefer to spend my time working on me and not extrapolating that to a group. I keep looking at the log in my eye before I look for the splinter in the collective eye.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6542 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I don't think it's unrealistic expectations if a woman would rather be alone than in an unfulfilling relationship. I find it courageous for a man or a woman to say they are better off alone than mistreated or taken for granted. It's unrealistic to stay in a bad relationship thinking it is the best you can do or that the other person will change.

You might want to read the book, "Cutting Loose: Why Women Who End Their Marriages Do So Well" for the other perspective.

I really don't see it as any different than men like George Clooney opting to remain bachelors. Relationships are a lot of work. If your life is otherwise fantastic it is going to take a special sort of someone (the kind who will put in equal effort) to make it worth your while.


Posts: 3343 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Issaquah
Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I can't speak to the statistics, but I can use my female friends as antidotal examples. We're all in our late 30's early 40's. Three of my friends are in marital crisis.

The first friend's husband may be gay (she has never spoke of it, but we all suspected) and after 20 years of marriage wants more for her life. I believe she has retained an attorney and may be filing. She's talked about this on and off for the past 4 years but would never go into details about the "whys".

The second friend does not want a D but wonders what a new life would be like, has not seeked representation, but her M is in terrible crisis and her H has threatened D when fighting about the kids. The only thing that is an issue for her in their M is that he hasn't touched her in 4 years and she feels lonely/unloved.

The third friend is going through a D. Her up and left her, I'm not sure if she filed, but had no choice to not seek representation. He was having an A but she did not know it at the time. We weren't as close in their last few years of marriage, but I get the impression he was very negative and distant - but she never gave up on him.

With all my girlfriends they may have complained that their husband's didn't help out with the kids, the house, or did things to be romantic, but none of them ever considered D or was openly thinking or fantasizing about greener pastures. All of them wanted to keep their families intact.


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 777 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
Kierst13
Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I think it's both that some women are looking for the romantic comedy marriage seen on the big screen. The other side of the coin and I read this a lot on relationship forums and hear about it a lot in real life. A lot of marriages consist of two full-time working parents and in many cases the women are also doing the lion's share of the household duties.

The most common complaint I hear from my friends is not money related, sex related or even *I wish he would be more affectionate", it's that they want HELP. They want physical and practical help with every day life.

The chores, finances, child rearing, errands, child taxi services, cooking, cleaning.

Some men think it's their right to sit and veg-out in front of the TV after a long hard day, and in the mean time the women are cooking, cleaning and bathing kids.

A lot of women don't want the movie-marriage, but they also don't want to be the workhorse of the family.

It's about communicating and compromise.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Your can twist data to make it fit anything you want. I believe men have a even bigger misconception of marriage. My exwh thought that once we got married sex would INCREASE and we would have it every day. Forget the fact that I was working 60 hours a week supporting his lazy ass and paying for his education. He didn't cook, clean, or even mow the yard. I never knew I married a child. Guys sometime think that we like to be treated like servants or their slaves.... News flash not everyone enjoys being married to someone lazy, playing video games all day, and basically acting like a bachelor with a wedding ring on.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

"I really don't see it as any different than men like George Clooney opting to remain bachelors. Relationships are a lot of work. If your life is otherwise fantastic it is going to take a special sort of someone (the kind who will put in equal effort) to make it worth your while"

I think that's a good point and I like to think I'm a lot wiser now for doing my own personal homework and making an effort to understand today's world a bit better. Rather than make another mistake someday. I don't see anything skewed about that. I know for a fact I will never entangle my finances up with another person, ever again....BTDT.

And you might be looking at the new George Clooney....although I'm better looking!

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 1:39 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

What I also read is that 90% of all divorces are filed by women. That's a HUGE number to me

Not to jump all over you, because I really do get why you posted and why this bothers you

but really, ex walked out on me and our kids for OW. Seriously, he went to work one morning and never came home again. WTF was I supposed to do? Wait for him to file for divorce? It's not that I wanted to be divorced. It's that I no longer wanted to be married to the low-life, chickenshit kind of man who would treat his wife and children that way.

That's why so many women file for divorce. Not because women are so unhappy in their marriages that they want to be divorced. But because they married men who are assholes, fucktards, and chickenshit cowards.

What you men on SI don't seem to get is that you men on SI are not typical of the husbands most of us women on SI had/have. Fortunately for you, you're a much better man, and human, than what most of us married. You must have read a lot of the stories here. Honestly, would you want to stay married to the type of spouses we describe, or would you file for divorce, eventually?


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12144 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
Weatherly
Member
Member # 18222
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

It is so easy to skew a statistic like that without getting facts. How many husbands cheated, how many women cheated, how many had abusive husbands, how many escaped a spouse with a drug and alcohol addition.....the list goes on

Exactly.

Yeah, I filed for divorce. 3 or 4 years after X moved out to play house with flavor of the week. Seems fair to me.

I think a lot of people do have unrealistic expectations.

My X was upset about our marriage because we fought, and if we were really "soulmates" then we would never fight and always be happy. He wanted rainbows and unicorns for the whole relationship. When those went away, instead of making them come back, he threw up his hands and went "nevermind, this isn't 'real' love." Did his unrealistic expectations make him file for divorce? Nope...he just cheated. My expectations of having a faithful, nonabrasive husband were not being met, so, yeah, I filed.

Isn't there another thread on this page about how men don't leave unless they find someone new? AND, many women on there tell about how, even after their husband found someone new, he still didn't leave until the wife made him (like in my case). So, are wives expecting too much? Or are husbands contributing too little?

If we want to throw useless statistics out, according to the CDC, 17% of men, vs 8% of women will meet the criteria for alcohol dependance at some point in their lives. Is it unrealistic to expect your husband not to be an alcoholic? According to the Domestic Violence Resource Center, women account for 85% of intimate partner violence. 1 in 4 women have experienced domestic violence. Is it unreasonable to expect your husband not to abuse you? 40% of women are the main wage earner in a household. Husbands, on average, do 1/3 of the housework of their wives, and women spend twice as much time on average parenting than their husbands.

So, when we look at all these statistics without taking in to account ANYTHING else, is it really surprising women are filing for divorce at such high levels? Seems reasonable to me that they would be unhappy.

**** I realize, it sounds like I am bashing men, I am not. I think there are a huge number of awesome men out there. My point was to show that, just a few numbers don't show much of anything. And, i'm not saying that all women are awesome and deserve to have perfect relationships. i think there are plenty of crappy women out there who mess up marriages or who have unrealistic expectations.


Me-29,Two boys, 10 and 8

It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end

Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.


Posts: 4485 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Indiana
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Good Lord, Inconnu, I love what you wrote!

I know people think my STBX is one of the worst of the worst. And he is! But he's not alone. Heck, just a few doors down in my own neighborhood I found out that my neighbor is divorcing, guess what, a narcissist. Many of his behaviors are just like my STBX's. The first woman at my church who I confessed this nightmare to is divorced from a man just like my STBX. Our church secretary is divorced from a bastard just like my STBX.

Why the hell should a woman stay, or want to stay, in a marriage to a man like this? Is it wrong for a woman to wonder what life might be like if she's not beat down every day? Is it wrong for a mother to want her children to grow up in a home where they aren't screamed at every day & made to cry by their father? Is it wrong for a woman who's husband repeatedly insults her and mocks her to get fed up?

Geez Us!!!

ETA: Is it right for a woman to remain in a marriage to a husband who cheats on her? Are we seriously entertaining the notion that a woman's place is in the home, men will be men, and we women need to just be grateful for whatever crumbs get thrown our way?

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 1:48 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9509 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

OR it means that women tend to take action and confront when something is not right instead of avoiding it. I'm pretty sure they are thinking "I do not want to be married to THIS for the next 30 years." And truthfully, if there is any money involved, usually women are better off divorced (depending on how long they have been married).


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jun 2013
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Inconnu....I wanted to try to work things out and R. I admit it. I did so because we had a child, a home and worked for everything we owned by ourselves. Besides it was how I was raised. My parents were married for 50 years, her's 45 years now. We didn't come from broken homes and I couldn't believe what was happening. I was hoping she realized what a mistake she made and would be remorseful. Maybe even have a better marriage after all was said and done. I knew it would be extremely hard and painful work on both our ends. I was prepared to do the hard work....she wasn't. But you're right, there was no saying what I would have felt after some time when the initial shock, fear and drama lessened. That's hard to say and I never got the chance to make that decision because she filed and had zero remorse. I'm sure this skews my thinking about this topic and possibly some conclusions. But it's what my personal experience is and what I have to judge much of the rest of my life on regarding relationships. We all suffer from our own wounds here. Personally I don't think it's unhealthy at all not to want to be married ever again.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Personally I don't think it's unhealthy at all not to want to be married ever again.

I don't think it's unhealthy not to want to be married again, either. I feel the same way.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9509 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

It's funny... my situation was the complete opposite of what you mention. I think that I always looked for the good in my then-husband. After I told my friends and family about the A, they all confessed that they had no idea what I saw in him. They apparently hadn't liked him for years, but they kept it to themselves because I loved him, and he was the father of my children, whom they love.

I wouldn't say that things were a bed of roses before DDay. If XWH had asked me to go to counseling, I would have done so. Life had gotten busy, and some days we were like ships passing in the night. Perhaps learning how to reconnect with the help of a MC would have been just what we needed. I will never know.

I took my marriage very seriously; of course, my XWH is the one who cheated. But I never held him up to some Hollywood, overinflated standard. I accepted him for who he was-- mood swings, farts, and all.

Anyway, there are women out there who don't think that their husband should be Atticus Finch as played by Gregory Peck. We don't expect perfection. However, maybe part of my problem was that my standards were TOO low. I worry about marrying again because I'll pick another piece of low-hanging fruit who won't treat me well, though my family has promised to be completely honest with me this time around and tell me exactly what they think of him in case I'm acting blinded by love!


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3572 | Registered: Oct 2011
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Hey Sean. I remember you from my original post. We have a very similar story , my stbxww did the same as yours . The pain for me will never go away ever. The no remorse thing is unbelievable amount of pain. So I feel you and I want to agree with you totally. I just have a problem with generalizing because I have a lot of guy friends who are assholes. They treat their wives like shit ! Really. They cheat ,they lie ,they belittle ,they say mean insulting things. They choose the ball game instead of her! And I never did ANY of that and I am the one getting divorced and they are married still????? Wtf? I think everyone has a story and it is hard to blame any one gender. But I agree to an extent. When I was first with my wife she was the opposite of who she is now. Total! We moved, got a home , started making real money , she started competing with the jones and had all these pretentious woman friends at school , who had a bigger house , who had more money. ??? Me I am a jeans and tshirts kind of guy. I looked at long term. I don't know I wish I had the answer as to why but I agree that for me divorce was never an option ,ever unless she cheated! She could have gained 400 lbs. or lost a body part or whatever but cheating was it for me. Even though she filed and divorced me cold turkey. I understand your frustration over not even having a chance to make it better and It is hard to read stories on here of people in reconcile because we never got that ! Now I would not want it anyway but just to see her in pain as I am would me nice. Or for her to grovel as I did and cry just once!!! But that day will never come and by the way I agree with all you said and I have been in ic for years even before divorce so you are fine in my opinion. I also believe as you said that any woman who is physically abused or cheated on should divorce immediately. But I guess some women on here didn't read that part of your post. Lol. Be good brother. Stay strong. If you are anything like me , you are on a crazy rollercoaster of emotions. All of which are normal and you are entitled to That,And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 629 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Gotta love statistics. Bend 'em, shape 'em, spin 'em. Eventually they mean something. No wonder I changed my minor in college to avoid taking Prob & Stats. Sheesh. All those numbers are making my hair hurt.

My filing was a preemptive strike as there was a business involved. Turns out, that's all the fuel he needed to ramp up his behaviors, because, after all, we were technically and legally separated. Hes admitted more than once it was what took R off the table for him. Not the numerous OWmen who eventually surfaced or his out of control drinking and gambling or his basic lack of emotional intelligence, or his incredible risk-taking behaviors putting me and our family in jeopardy. Heavens no, it was my filing to divorce him. Which, he claimed at the time, he completely understood the legal reasons behind. Its called blameshifting and marital history rewrite for you newbies.

My guess is that of the 90% of women who file, they, like me, eventually end up being quite happy or even dare I say ecstatic! about their decision. Im thinking 90% of happy women is a boatload of happy women.

I can't imagine not staying in a marriage or relationship in which I wasnt happy (obviously measured on many schedules), and my guess is of those marriages not ending in divorce, the woman hasn't seen a reason to, because EGADS! perhaps just perhaps the other 40% or 60% of folks who stay married are actually happy.

My take is 90% of women are driving the bus when theyre done.

Great for them. Great for me.

AJs MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21041 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
mixedintherut
Member
Member # 40330
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

My thought on this is that everyone has expectations on what they want out of a relationship. However, if the person that I am dating doesn't fulfill those expectations I am not going to marry them.

So for me, my WH fulfilled my expectations when we got married, throughout our marriage, until he decided he wanted to have an A.

Did we have our own handful of problems? Of course, what marriage doesn't?

However, he made a choice not to communicate with me his feelings, before he took action outside of our relationship. Then I am left with some garbled up rewritten history that is only true to him.

I think the problem lies in the fact that it is so easy to get a divorce, and lots of people lack morals. People would rather sign a paper and pay the money for a divorce then they would to own the truth, go through counseling to find out what is wrong with them. So then they move on to another relationship, bringing the same problems along, and rinse and repeat.

I wonder what the percentage rate of second divorces are for general people, verses those of the marriages that started out as an affair.


DD 1: PA 12/4/09 He spent 2.5 years with OW1
R: 8/31/2012
DD 2: EA 8/16/13
BS: 26
WH: 25
1 young daughter.
Terribly disgusted. He refuses to give up his "friend". Headed towards D.

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: kentucky
Too_Trusting
Member
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

If you want to generalize, how about this:

Could the number of WOMEN filing for divorce be in direct correlation to their cheating spouses???

That was 100% why my marriage ended in divorce. Period.

[This message edited by Too_Trusting at 2:49 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]


"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 2452 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Sean, I wish you would just own the "I don''''t want to get married again" feeling instead of looking for justification for it. Imho, looking for justification makes you look negative-minded, and has the propensity to turn you into a fulminating conspiracy theorist ready to trot out your rant against M at the slightest provocation.

Instead, given what you''''ve gone through, and that you have a young son, and it''''s patently obvious why re-marrying anytime soon would be abhorrant to you. Who needs to justify that? Anyone (any woman you''''re dating) who can''''t see that isn''''t worth your time. Any woman you''''re dating who seeks to change your mind is immature & you know this because she still lives in the adolescent dream world of where you can "change" your partner into something he''''s not. Mature women (regardless of age) don''''t do that shit.

Per your actual question and anecdotally, I was miserable in my M long long long before I knew about the philandering. But it never once crossed my mind to D until I learned about the cheating. Before that, I saw my unhappiness as something to work through with him. After learning that my xWH thought nothing of risking my life? Yeah, sure, you try and murder me and damn straight I''''ll file first.

[This message edited by cayc at 3:00 PM, September 17th, 2013 (Tuesday)]


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3058 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
trumanshow
Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I never in 25 years even thought about divorce. I never expected perfection and always appreciated his good points.

My filing was because he wouldn't give up his girlfriend. Unhappy? Read my profile and tell me-who wouldn't be?

[This message edited by trumanshow at 9:55 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1745 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Personally I don't think it's unhealthy at all not to want to be married ever again.

Sean, I don't either. My SO is a BH and has expressed many of the same things you have. I do understand. Divorce royally sucks. It's not something I want to experience again, either.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12144 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
Eyeofthetiger
Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

What's the statistic for men having an A compared to women having an A?

At least in my M, I did everything. If there were plans to be made, I made them. Kids to pick up, I found someone. A marriage license to get, I got it. Etc. so maybe some women file as just another job they do for the relationship.

My WH wants a D, I won't file for him. Although I am pretty sure he wants me to.

Sometimes we do not know everything about the statistic being presented.


S

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2013
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I asked for the divorce and we were supposed to go together to a paralegal and hash it out ourselves. Instead he jumped the gun, hired an attorney and filed as the petitioner.

So he was the one who filed first, not me.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3247 | Registered: Dec 2008
million pieces
Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

If you want to generalize, how about this:

Could the number of WOMEN filing for divorce be in direct correlation to their cheating spouses???

That was 100% why my marriage ended in divorce. Period.

Me too. Except that my ex blackmailed me into filing. Said he wouldn't give me any more money unless I filed. Nice.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1241 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I think that's another common tactic. My xH was the same way. It's like they cheat, they lie, they go out on DATES while still married (and call them "dates" as if they are single!) but heaven forbid they file for divorce because that "would make them look bad".

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Mar 2005
soverybetrayed
Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I am not angry but do feel like there are many good reasons to leave a marriage.

I am the one who filed for divorce but it was NOT what I wanted to do, it was what I was FORCED to do. Now you are saying "Forced? How were you forced to file?" Well, first off he abandoned me when I was too ill to care for myself and I wasn't allowed to drive. He refused to take me to doctors or urgent care and left me for hours at a time to spend his time with others. Then there was his cheating on me from year one of our marriage that I discovered in year 10 of our marriage. I left but came back when he promised me he wasn't that man anymore. But the true force was when I asked him a question about his affairs and he flew into a rage, yelled in my face that I "had better know the consequences for asking questions" and then followed me into the bedroom where he shoved his fist into my face and screamed at the top of his lungs to "get the F out of HIS house". It was absolutely the 1 thing that I can and never will allow in my life...Physical Abuse is the ultimate reason for divorce for me.

I still loved him with all my heart and I cried when I moved out but I knew that if I stayed, the next time he would hit me. I am not a punching bag and I could not allow my grandchild to be exposed to his threats of hitting me. I never wanted a divorce but I did want him to act like he was married and not spend all of his free time chasing other women or hanging with the guys getting drunk. I wanted a husband and companion not someone to pay the bills. I wanted the whole "for better, for worse in sickness and in health" that we vowed to each other. What I got was verbal, emotional and physical abuse and also severe abandonment when I didn't fit his "perfect wife" ideal. He left me long before I moved out. He only wanted a wife if she was someone he could control and destroy.

I believe that too many women stay in abusive marriages out of fear or the inability to leave and stay safe. I do not believe that I have any right to decide what is an OK reason to divorce for someone else. Who knows, there may be someone out there who feels that my reasons for divorcing my xnpdwh were not OK. They don't live my life and I do not live theirs so I won't judge.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Texas
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

This means one or two things to me. Men are either really bad at marriage OR (and I believe this one more) women just expect way too much from men

Exactly. This makes perfect sense. Throw some percentages out there, call them statistics, then make conclusions based on your own preconceived beliefs. I believe that's how many researchers work. Could explain all sorts of things.

Yep. Many people expect too much from relationships and their partner's and far too little from themselves.

Like I asked on the other thread...HOW IS THIS A GENDER THING?????


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I was naive when I got married..I got married very young..
I endured a lot of disrespect and abuse during my marriage and I put up with it because I was naive enough to think all marriages were similar and that my marriage was "normal"..
In the last 5 to 7 years of my marriage, my WH 's desires and expectations were veering way off into left field to the point of being sick and unreasonable....I rarely ever felt like I was enough for him..

In a way D-day was a relief because I knew I could tell WH to take his unreasonable expectations of me and shove them where the sun doesn't shine..

I agree with Nature Girl..

Just because somebody wants a D, things are not simple or cut and dried..

If I file for a D this afternoon, I am looking at starting over in my early 60's..

I have been the sole or main bread winner during our long marriage..My WH was employed on and off but has no savings or pension..

I am retired (due to health reasons and the downsizing of my company) with pension in payout status..My pension income is barely enough to make basic ends meet living in a house that is already paid off..

My WH lives in the same house as I do, separate bedrooms..He seems to be working the system for all its worth, because he refuses to find a job, I think he was advised not to find one, knowing that we are separated and that D will be in the picture at some point..

A lot of women are like me..They are frustrated and unhappy with their living situations and partnerships with S..

If there is a way I can legally extricate myself from my situation without needing to move in with family or go on food stamps I would love to know about it..

So no, statistics flawed....Most of us honest women and men who are aren't greedy just live the best way we know how and don't expect much more than the basics of human kindness..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:39 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1169 | Registered: Nov 2011
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I also think things were a lot easier when life expectancy was like 40 years and much of the time spent on actual survival and not being eaten. Makes the whole, "so how do you feel about us/that?" communication seem rather silly. More like "RUN!!!!!" and hope they're slower than you. Ah prehistoric love. So there's that.

Humans don't do relative comfort, time on their hands, lack of the same external boundaries our ancestors dealt with well, as a whole.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I was also young when I got married (21). We were married for a long time. I put up with a lot- depression, mood swings, anger, cheating, an affair, and unwillingness to contribute to the household expenses.

Whe I was told that I had a huge bonus coming my way, it happened to be the same week that he permanently moved to the couch.

I took control of my destiny and filed. A girl can only be treated like shit for so long until she takes a stand.

Turns out, he was back in the affair.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7547 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I didn't want to divorce, and except for the infidelity I would still be married. If I held an unrealistic expectation, I would have run for the hills long ago, well before the first D-Day. But I didn't, and was perfectly content taking the good with the bad.

From a purely academic perspective, you can make statistics tell any story you want. You CANNOT generalize to the entire population without more information about how those numbers were derived. There are too many unknown variables, for one. I could come up with a list of questions that could easily challenge the validity of those numbers, but I won't bore everyone with that. Suffice to say that your personal experiences are likely biasing your conclusions. While normal, it is incorrect to do so.

Don't read too much into it. You'll find the right person, and if not, that's okay too.

Put a couple of glasses of wine after traveling for work all day together with multiple grad classes in stats, and this is what you get!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Ever since I took a class in college about *scientific* studies....I put very little stock in the results of those so-called studies. Sure, they're good to peruse, but the majority of studies conducted just contain too much researcher/participant bias and/or *uncontrolled for* factors, that they can't be relied upon as a cut/dried "*my* conclusion is correct because my evidence says it's so," IMO.

If my MIL reads on the internet or in the newspaper that eating a square of dark chocolate a day will extend her life, then by golly she's gonna begin eating a square of dark chocolate every day (true story...she did read that somewhere and she did implement that strategy. Not sure what she'll say in a coupla years when a new study comes out that says that dark chocolate is toxic ).

Sultan told me of a study that he heard about that said that 50% of married women are cheating on their husbands. He said that he was at a table with 2 of his guy friends. He looked at one and thought "his wife isn't cheating on him," he looked at the other and thought "his wife isn't cheating on him" and came to the conclusion that *I,* then, MUST be cheating on HIM. (Yet another true story. NO shit.) Stbx based his insistence that *I* was cheating on him on *some* random study that he had heard about somewhere, somehow. Nevermind taking into consideration what he *knew* about me.....the study said it was true, so it must be.

Anyway. Sean. Your conclusion about women having unrealistic expectations of marriage....which therefore leads to marital unhappiness and, ultimately, divorce.....is just flat-out wonky thinking. Sure, maybe women do have unrealistic expectations....BUT I would be willing to bet that there are a shit-ton of men that ALSO have unrealistic expectations of marriage. As Inconnu said....you are familiar with us women BS's and have read our stories and seen the completely ridiculous crap that a lot of the WH's have conjured up. There are women on here who have gone through some really bad stuff (surgeries, deaths of family members, life-threatening diseases, PPD) and whose WH's have declared that they weren't being sufficiently attended to.

You have not reached a valid conclusion.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 9:56 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7920 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Without even reading the replies I have to reply to your original post.

I was completely blindsided by the A. He just freaked out and left out of nowhere. He made it clear that R was not an option, and gave me an ultimatum. I had no choice but to file for a somewhat fair D. Otherwise it would have been a fight and I was in no emotional state to deal with that at the time.

My view on your percentage is that most male WS are too irresponsible to take the steps necessary and would rather put the burden on their BS to protect themselves. It is not across the board but fairly common from what I've seen. ETA: maybe saying most WS regardless of their sex behave that way is more fair. I've seen plenty of female way wards do the same here on SI.

Just an off the cuff thought.

[This message edited by persevere at 10:19 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4458 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

. If you don't want to divorce, then why are you filing for it?

Seriously?

I'm just stuck here. I cannot believe you posted this question here. Just so you know, yes I filed. And no, I didn't want a divorce.

I filed because I was dealing with an extremely unremorseful narcissistic. Husband who flat out told me what he did was "none of (my) fucking business".

He was still seeing his slutface, still lying, sneaking around and cheating. Was I just supposed to stomp my feet until he did what I wanted him to do?

Should I have clicked my heels together and made a wish on a star to have a loving, faithful husband??

Or maybe I should have just sucked it up, stayed married to this Dooosh, and lived a horribly fake and unhappy marriage for the rest of my life?

So yeah, I filed. But it sure as HELL wasn't my decision. It wasn't even my top 5 ways to get through the infidelity hell. And I take great offense to your insinuation that not wanting a divorce can magically make you happily married.

Booooo. :(


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3542 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
hoya96
Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Well to me there are only TWO reasons to file for divorce; financial or emotional. I would think it's safe to say that every reason probably comes back ultimately to one of those two. If you don't want to divorce, then why are you filing for it?

My xhusband told me he wanted a divorce on Valentine's Day, 2010. I begged him to work on the marriage.

My xhusband told me about his first affair in May 2010, and reiterated he wanted a divorce. I told him I could forgive him, and begged him to work on the marriage.

My xhusband admitted he had been having an affair with my best friend and he was in love with her in Sept 2010, and reiterated he wanted a divorce.

He wouldn't actually do any of the WORK to pay a lawyer, file, or even show up in court.

I filed. But I sure as hell didn't *want* a divorce.


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Out of blue ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonde

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2010
wontdefineme
Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Maybe its the men/women who are self centered who make the other spouse unhappy. Maybe we file because the marriage is over and we are tired of being abused emotionally, physically, and financially and to stay is like a slow death every day. I stayed 25 years when I should have quit the first time he verbally humiliated me in front of his friend and thought it was funny. Or maybe after he threatened me with divorce every time we argued, or the time he pulled my hair out, or the first time he cheated, or every fifth year he had us on the brink of financial ruin. I see too many men in marriages taking care of their needs while the wife is drained emotionally. Maybe that is why women are unhappy, not because they have an unrealistic view of marriage. My view was work together, love each other, stand by each other against the world and be faithful. Realistic? But what do I know, apparently I didn't love him enough.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Mar 2011
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 5:22 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Ok ! How about we just all agree that there are good men and bad ones and that there are good woman and bad ones . We can not let a few bad apples spoil the bunch. I would have never left my marraige or divorced In some situations man or woman , we have no choice, our spouse makes it for us .


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 629 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
circlingthedrain
Member
Member # 25733
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I also think there is a 'men get screwed in divorce' factor.

In general, regardless of the whys and who is at fault and who wanted the divorce, men tend to end up getting the short end of the stick from our legal system in divorce. I think that is a factor in skewed statistics. Men are somewhat reticent to begin a process that they know will end up 'costing' them regardless of who is at fault.


BH (me), 53
FWW (Her) 55
DD18, DS15
D-Day 12/23/2007
R going well

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger


Posts: 325 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: East Coast
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

In general, regardless of the whys and who is at fault and who wanted the divorce, men tend to end up getting the short end of the stick from our legal system in divorce

And there in lies the generalization problem, because in my D my xWH got it all and I got screwed financially. But you don''t see me hating on men or making generalizations about them to justify my preferences about how I run my life. That if I marry again my H will have to sign a per-nup? That''s purely a function of my life experiences and situation and says nothing about men and M. That I want to M again is purely because it is still my ideal in romantic relationships. As per usual, I''m not going to let what happened to me ruin my desires, preferences or outlook on life. If I let that happen, then I lose for sure, something I refuse to do.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3058 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

In general, regardless of the whys and who is at fault and who wanted the divorce, men tend to end up getting the short end of the stick from our legal system in divorce. I think that is a factor in skewed statistics. Men are somewhat reticent to begin a process that they know will end up 'costing' them regardless of who is at fault.

Oh please!! After being on this board for a number of years, how could you even go there??


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20019 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Strongmama
Member
Member # 33062
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I filed. Did not want to. He told me I better or he'd screw me. Sat there on the phone coldly lying there was no one else (haha) and told me he hated me and to do it. It was horrible! I'll hate him until the day his fat ass dies for how he treated me and the kids.
I'm thankful now of course that I know the truth. It was horrible, and scary and traumatizing to be treated like that, and disregarded and left like a piece of trash by the man I was married to for 13 years and had three kids with.
True; a lot more woman probably do file, but no one running those statistics have a clue about the circumstances which brought us to file.

Posts: 662 | Registered: Aug 2011
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

How about we conclude that liars lie, cheaters cheat, and the legal system is inherently unfair across the board, and gender does not predispose any outcome....


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

In general, regardless of the whys and who is at fault and who wanted the divorce, men tend to end up getting the short end of the stick from our legal system in divorce.

Well, I did get primary custody of our three kids, but we didn't fight about it. We decided that was best through mediation.

However:

He got 70% of the assets.

His CS payments are not tied to his extremely lucrative investments-- only to his salary. He hasn't had a raise in ages, and for the number of years he's worked and his age, his salary is not that great. So my CS isn't that great.

He got all of the antique furniture (despite his mother saying that I should take whatever I wanted) because it was from "his" family. Funny, I thought that "his" family included his children, who live mostly with me.

We split the medical expenses 50/50 after whatever the insurance pays. Considering that he has some really nice investments, that's a joke for him. Not so much for me if very little is covered.

I got screwed in many ways. My dad kept telling me to go after things. However, the price of primary custody, keeping him off of my retirement accounts, and freeing myself from him were worth it. I'm sure that there are plenty of other women out there just like me. We're not all gold diggers dragging our exes into court and fighting them over every last penny.

What I think we should amend your statement to say is that FAITHFUL SPOUSES tend to end up getting the short end of the stick from our legal system in divorce. The fact that people are allowed to destroy their families, spend the family assets on APs, and walk away with even 50% of everything is disgusting. Perhaps if we punished unremorseful cheaters more severely during the divorce process, they'd think twice before joining Ashley Madison, hooking up with a co-worker, or trolling the Craigslist ads.

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 8:51 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3572 | Registered: Oct 2011
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I've read through everything on this thread. Everyone comes at this subject with a set of life experiences that will color how they feel about it.

I think most generalizations about men and women can be proven wrong. Every person is unique.

As for my experience, the women I know who got D were mostly women who either cheated or were cheated on. Two exceptions to this are: one 3rd marriage for both parties that didn't make it past 2 years because expectations didn't jibe with reality; and my SO who says they just "grew apart" (his 2nd marriage and her first).

However, I have experienced women who complained a lot about their husbands - so much so, that I wondered why they stayed married.

I was not perfectly happy in my marriage prior to the A/D, but I adjusted my expectations to meet reality. I never had thoughts of cheating or leaving.

So I think the rush to D or an A is more a function of the individual than a whole gender.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7676 | Registered: Aug 2005
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

In general, regardless of the whys and who is at fault and who wanted the divorce, men tend to end up getting the short end of the stick from our legal system in divorce. I think that is a factor in skewed statistics. Men are somewhat reticent to begin a process that they know will end up 'costing' them regardless of who is at fault.

This is such an offensive pile of bullshit I don't even know what to say in response.

Cite your source.

Define short end of the stick.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9509 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I also think there is a 'men get screwed in divorce' factor.

In general,...[etc etc etc]...regardless of who is at fault

.

You have only to read on this forum to see how wrong you are about this. I can't even copy your words, because I don't think they need to be re-broadcast. I'm looking at your post number and trying not to judge, but thinking that you just haven't read that much here? If that's the case, I hope you just said this out of ignorance of the facts and at some point, with more reading, you'll realize how atrociously insulting it is to all the people here - women equally - who have gotten taken to the cleaners and hung out to dry in the process of divorcing a selfish POS.

I mean you're posting on a forum right now where women and men alike are fighting for equality in their divorce after being viciously betrayed by their spouse. Out of respect for everyone, this kind of statement needs to not be broadcast as fact.


Posts: 3188 | Registered: Mar 2005
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

In general, regardless of the whys and who is at fault and who wanted the divorce, men tend to end up getting the short end of the stick from our legal system in divorce

LOL I guess I'm just on the wrong end of every statistic or maybe I am a sucker who doesn't know how to get the long end, but although we didn't go through with the divorce, my H was DEFINITELY not about to get screwed over. I had been the majority breadwinner for most of our marriage while he changed careers twice and went back to school. His business was just starting to really take off, so on paper it looked like I still made more, although that was rapidly changing. If we had gone through with the divorce, he would have reaped all the benefits of my supporting him while he found his career happy and got his MBA.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6671 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I think this whole post is funny. If you want to base things all on stats, the stats show that men remarry more quickly after D than women.

Personally I always felt like overall marriage was a better deal for men than women. And since more divorced women live in poverty than divorced men, I don't think D is really all that bad for men either. Maybe because they remarry more quickly and don't have to live on one income as long?

But then that is the problem with stats, they don't paint the whole picture.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49468 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

might be speaking out of my hat here, don't know the facts or history.

Could the higher rate of women filing for divorce be linked to the legal right to do so being a more recently acquired one? Along the lines of higher rates of women who smoke(d), alcoholism tending to be higher in groups that have been more recently introduced to it etc.


Me: Awesome - 35

"Ive learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be".


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Computer belch..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:48 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1169 | Registered: Nov 2011
million pieces
Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

In general, regardless of the whys and who is at fault and who wanted the divorce, men tend to end up getting the short end of the stick from our legal system in divorce. I think that is a factor in skewed statistics. Men are somewhat reticent to begin a process that they know will end up 'costing' them regardless of who is at fault.

I have always heard that men tend to be financially better off after the D and women worse. I am off to find some kind of study/stats. This is just about the biggest pile of horseshit I've read. REALLY? I struggle monthly w my bills, cut way back, renting out my basement so that I can keep my house while my ex buys a new house, supports his wifetress who is pregnant and out of work and goes almost monthly on nice vacations (many out of the country). He makes 2.4 times more than me and only had to pay minimal alimony for a year despite me being out of the work force raising our kids for 8 years. I lost all but on certifications while not working and am starting my career path almost from new. I'm having to take him back to court for CS modification because the state minimum based on our current number would double his payment to me. I might not have to move if that happens.

This is not isolated. I have MANY friend that are going through a divorce or have recently gone through one. 9/10 the guy ends up the same or better. I do have one friend who isn't, but he was blindsided and agreed to a really shitty deal that he can't get out of. She really is screwing him. But the courts didn't do that to him, he signed the agreement himself.

My SO filed (gasp, he is a guy!) and their div agreement is very fair. I would LOVE to have one in place like his. He was not screwed. Just last night he agreed that I was screwed.

Off to look for evidence other than my life

[This message edited by million pieces at 11:20 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1241 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I don't have a penis IRL, but I might as well have one, I resemble the men more than the women in the study that you are citing..

I have been the breadwinner in our family,

My WH has been the one whose house of cards would fall if something happened to me (sickness or death)...

I have been the spouse who was unable to GUESS and meet my spouses ever-changing and unreasonable needs..

It is hard not to feel angry and bitter against man kind when going thru this kind of shit storm, I am glad that I can post here to vent..

For the moment (unless I win the lottery),
I feel trapped in this small house with my cheating WH..

When I file for D, I might as well sign up for food stamps at the same time..My WH stands to gain (financially) big time because he has nothing to begin with..I stand to lose my meager savings and up to 1/2 of my pension income that is already in payout..

I am wracking my brain for ways I can make money( passively) online.. I am an artist (in my spare time), so there might be potential for making some extra $ with the sales my art :-)

I am lucky in that I was never asked by WH to stay at home with the kids or to sacrifice my career to support anything he was up to...I was always told that we couldn't afford for me not to work..

Alert-I am climbing on to my soap box, lol :-)

Please teach your kids to have the mentality to be self sufficient and protective of their OWN welfare, not to be financially/mentally dependent on a spouse or other family member.

One cannot predict the future or be assured that nothing will happen to the bread winning spouse or family member..

I would counsel the person who is about to be married to protect himself/herself with a pre nup , and to have a separate bank account from the spouse's.. Each spouse should work/save long enough to acquire enough personal financial strength to begin rebuilding his/her life should something traumatic happen..

I would also counsel the couple to build themselves up with education, hobbies, fitness, etc so that each person has his/her own identity and likes ..

Nothing was more tiring to me than having my clingy WS depend on me for everything..There were days when I wished and enjoyed having the house and space to myself..

As an adult one should work to become as SELF sufficient as possible (mentally, physically and financially ) whether or not he/she is in a marriage..


[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:42 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1169 | Registered: Nov 2011
million pieces
Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Ok, many are articles. At work, will do more tonight.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2362483/Women-cope-divorce-better-men-suffer-financially.html

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2009/jan/25/divorce-women-research

http://www.legalzoom.com/marriage-divorce-family-law/divorce/men-v-women-who-does

A difficulty in reforming marital property laws to compensate these women lies in the fact that many women, even in today's modern world, make career decisions based almost entirely on their family plans. Thus, a college professor who might have become a successful businesswoman had her family plans been different, has no way to show a court her lost earning potential. Her decision to take a lower paying job cannot be weighed by the court, since there is no real evidence of material economic damage.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1241 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Million Pieces...I see your point and agree.. I think that the breadwinning H or W who AGREED that his/her stay at home spouse needed to be out of the work force for a number of years to take care of the kids was able to afford and support that decision at the time..

Some of us BS's have grown kids who have moved away .. We want a D but we feel trapped financially because we have INTENTIONALLY unemployed spouses who REFUSE to find work.. If the WS isn't the one who files for the D, and the WS doesn't have any assets to divide or lose in the D, then the no fault divorce laws seem supportive of him/her and make it advantageous for this person to stay unemployed

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:50 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1169 | Registered: Nov 2011
BlueWoman
Member
Member # 36849
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Is it's because it's so easy these days to get divorced.

All evidence in this forum to the contrary. This statement denigrates the countless people in this forum who face extreme turmoil and hardship when going through divorce.


Me: BS, 37
Many DDs over the last half of the marriage. He probably cheated all along.
Divorce is underway.

Posts: 142 | Registered: Sep 2012
Grace and Flowers
Member
Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

THANK YOU, Blue Woman...that sentence resonated with me as well. As far as I can tell, divorce is never "easy"....for anyone. It's gut wrenching, even under the best circumstances. Amidst all the misogyny of the post, I wanted to comment on that line, and you beat me to it! But I agree with you!


I'm Happy, not Sad!

Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I think that EVERYBODY is at least a little affected by being a product of their culture, if they're being honest. I'd imagine that we all have an image of what the "perfect spouse" for us would be like to some degree, possibly even buried deep in the recesses of the brain. When it becomes an issue, I think, is when we start holding our SO accountable as measured against that imaginary standard...not only because no one can be perfect, but also because when we get married we agree to love and accept each other. If one spouse is constantly measuring the other against some imaginary yardstick, even accidentally and unconsciously, and faulting them for coming up short...then I could see how resentment might follow.

That being said, I don't believe for a second that it's a gender thing. I know just as many men who complain that their wives "don't do X, Y, or Z"....with the unspoken comparison being "....like mom used to...", as I do women who complain of men who "aren't romantic enough" with the underlying sentiment being an over-fascination with Channing Tatum movies. I'm not being sarcastic, just pointing out that the sword swings both ways.

(I'm excluding "This Is The End", in which Mr. Tatum was *excellent*)

[This message edited by FacePunched at 4:34 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 2025 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Faithsurviver
Member
Member # 30860
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I would counsel the person who is about to be married to protect himself/herself with a pre nup , and to have a separate bank account from the spouse's.. Each spouse should work/save long enough to acquire enough personal financial strength to begin rebuilding his/her life should something traumatic happen

I have to agree with that!
When I was single, before meeting XWH, I lived in the same apt building as a recently divorced middle-aged woman. She had always been dependent on her husband and his income, credit, etc, so when they got divorced, she had NO credit history of her own- couldn't even buy a used car without having her grown son co-sign on the loan
After that, I signed up for a credit card under my own name so I would have a credit history alone. When I got married, I kept that CC only in my name instead of adding XWH to it. Thank goodness I did!!!
I was able to re-establish my own credit because of that CC which made my financial life much easier.


BW (me) 51
XWH 53, but acts like a 15 y/o
M 18 yrs
DS 16, DD 14 (on D-day)
EA,PA with OW, 30 yrs his jr.
DDay 11/30/09 (DS's B-day), WH moved out 4 days later.
I filed for D-1/29/10,
DIVORCED 10/22/10
You can't reason with an NPD!!!

Posts: 335 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Midwest
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

to have a separate bank account from the spouse's..

As sad as it is, my DD22 said one of the biggest life lessons she is taking away from my marital disaster is that she will never combine her money with any future partner and she will always strive to be self-sufficient. I can't fault her for thinking this because she is absolutely correct... You just never know what curve ball life will throw at you...


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Is the answer to change the dynamics of husband and wife or commitment? I think it is like going into something preparing to fail ! I believe in love still and I never stopped my stbxww from being her own person , I actually used to encourage it. I gave up all control financially , all , she ran all the financials. I made all the money , with her help. But I am confident enough to know that I could have done it without her ! But I wanted her to be pampered and secure and I gave her that control. Needless to say she robbed and hid money and raped our business in the course of her exit affair but If she was the right woman I would have been unstoppable. I believe behind every strong man there is a stronger woman. But I think if I hid money and had separate bank accounts then I would have been just like her.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 629 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
ChoosingHope
Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

This is ridiculous. First of all, the divorce rate is at 30 percent. It peaked in the eighties at 40 percent. It was never 50 percent - that is a myth.

And college-educated women who married after the age of 24 only have a 20 percent divorce rate.

Unfortunately I'm one of them!


Posts: 1664 | Registered: Oct 2011
LadyQ
Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

And I beg to differ on the "men get screwed" by the courts. My x doesn't pay alimony, and found a way to not pay half his retirement, too. The only things he pays are 1/2 the marital debt and child support. Despite the fact that he makes about 4 times what I do, I still have to pay half. His income dropped by about 1/5, and mine by about 4/5. During 21 years of marriage, I gave up any hopes of a career as he was "career military" and I had to be available to my kids through multiple deployments. I'm 45 years old and I have to try to go back to school to make a decent living for me and my kids. Meanwhile, he's living the single life, being a swingin' bachelor, giving up a mere 25% of his income to his kids. Who got the short end of the stick? And FYI? I filed because he wouldn't give up his cheating, and I couldn't live with it anymore.


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Come on ? Gimme a break now you want to say divorce rate has to do with education. Whatever. I'll stay off this thread because it is so ridiculous. Enjoy


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 629 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
ChoosingHope
Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

LadyQ, I'm with you.

Here are some stats:

The institute's research shows that, after a divorce, women's household incomes dropped significantly, especially in the first year after the split. Men, on the other hand, saw continued income growth.

The information, gathered by the Australian Institute of Family Studies, suggests that six years after a divorce, some women in the study had regained their pre-divorce income levels through re-partnering, working for pay and receiving government benefits.

The same study noted that women with dependent children, however, found it much more difficult to combine paid work with family obligations. The employment rate for women with no dependent children was far higher than the rate for women with children still at home.

These findings aren't a surprise. According to George Mason University Sociology and law professor Lenore Weitzman in her book "The Divorce Revolution," a typical woman endures a 73 percent reduction in her standard of living after a divorce. Her typical ex-husband enjoys a 42 percent increased standard of living.

That's largely because raising children is expensive and time consuming, and mothers still raise children more often than fathers do. According to a 2009 analysis by the U.S. census bureau, just 17 percent of fathers have sole custody of their minor children.

Non-custodial parents are typically ordered to pay child support, but ordering that child support and actually collecting it can be quite different things. Only 61 percent of court-ordered child support is ever paid.

According to the 2010 U.S. census, 40 percent of households headed by women live in poverty. More than half of impoverished children live with their mothers, but not their fathers.


Posts: 1664 | Registered: Oct 2011
asurvivor
Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Yep no question, that proves it, men are just greedy bastards and ignorant baboons. I say we chop all their nuts off...except mine of course.

Give it up boys, you're out numbered.

edited to add the baboon thing which we all agree on I assume.

[This message edited by asurvivor at 8:04 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 539 | Registered: Jun 2011
ChoosingHope
Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Come on ? Gimme a break now you want to say divorce rate has to do with education. Whatever. I'll stay off this thread because it is so ridiculous. Enjoy

Oh dear. Divorce rates and education are most certainly conversely related.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/11/divorce-rate-education-conversely-related-varies-by-race_n_2854790.html


Posts: 1664 | Registered: Oct 2011
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

According to the 2010 U.S. census, 40 percent of households headed by women live in poverty. More than half of impoverished children live with their mothers, but not their fathers.

"Mom, are we poor now?" said my child.

Yep, we sure are. Can't afford cable, check. Can't afford to feed you breakfast & lunch, so off to the free/reduced meals at school, check. Can't afford to buy you new clothes for school, so hello charity bin at church and the 2nd hand store, check. Can't afford many treats at the grocery store, so I bought the generic treat and found a rat's footprint in the frosting, check.

But I'm not angry.

Paid less than $2,500 for my wedding, including the dress, photographer & historical wedding site. It took about 15 minutes to get the forms at the courthouse and about 20 minutes for the wedding ceremony. My bill for the divorce so far is probably close to $30,000 (I can't even bring myself to look at the bill any longer). Plus the ginormous amount for the custody evaluation. And then of course it's taken me 19 months and counting so far and I'm still not divorced.

But it's so easy to get divorced these days.

Shall I start in my lost earning power and the career I've had to give up, the one I went to college for and had my own business about? Shall we talk about that yet?

No, probably shouldn't. I might get angry. Heaven forbid a woman dare get angry.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9509 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

ChoosingHope-

I'd be (honestly and intellectually) curious to see what the income and standard of living differences are, post-divorce, once you control for who has custody. I wonder if men who have custody still enjoy that same boost, and if women who don't get custody still see the same drop.

I know that my dad fought like hell here in Illinois for full custody and couldn't get it, despite strong evidence of infidelity and a drinking problem on my mom's part. He eventually did once my mom's health deteriorated where she couldn't handle the 5 of us any longer. His standard of living was piss-poor for a few years until his credit started to clear up and some of the associated marital debts were 100% gone....and this was all while he was making 6 figures. My mom paid $200/month in child support. This is obviously all super anecdotal, as everybody's examples are. There are situations where the man gets hosed, and situations where the woman gets hosed.

However, this-

just 17 percent of fathers have sole custody of their minor children.
-is where I think a lot of us dads get pissed. Financials aside, is there really an argument that men get screwed when it comes to the custody issue? I know it initially played a huge role in my decision to stick around.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 2025 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
LadyQ
Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

In my situation, my x didn't get screwed on custody, either. We have the "standard" agreement in Texas. But he has yet to exercise his Thursday night visit in the 3 years since he left. He has yet to take the kids for spring break. He has yet to take them for his 30 days in the summer. I highly doubt he takes them for half of Christmas break, either. He didn't want full custody. He didn't want 50/50. Hell, he barely wants the state minimum standard.

That's the problem when you start making generalizations. They're rarely true.


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

But he has yet to exercise his Thursday night visit in the 3 years since he left. He has yet to take the kids for spring break. He has yet to take them for his 30 days in the summer. I highly doubt he takes them for half of Christmas break, either. He didn't want full custody. He didn't want 50/50. Hell, he barely wants the state minimum standard.
I think we need to redefine our terms here. This guy^^^? NOT a man. Boy in man's clothing.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 2025 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
LadyQ
Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Lol, Facepunched! Maybe that's the real issue. We aren't all using the same dictionary!


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
ChoosingHope
Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Facepunched - I believe that statistic includes all children, whether they come from divorced families or unwed parents. It's because men leave their illegitimate children behind, especially in inner cities. You can google the statistics. They're pretty dramatic. I think that one-in-three children in the US lives without a dad, and most of this is NOT due to the courts.

Having said all that, my heart goes out to your father. I think he would do much better if he was divorcing your mother nowadays - he would probably get 50-50 custody. And it sounds like things would have been far better for his children if he did.

I think that the real problem with the courts now is that they are biased against SAHMs. They assume that women can automatically get back on their feet after years of staying at home. One or two years of alimony is not enough for women to get themselves back in the workplace and earning anything near what their husbands are earning. Because their husbands didn't give up years of their careers to take care of children. Almost every SAHM I know has had a significant decrease in her standard of living. And the kids are the ones who are hurt.


Posts: 1664 | Registered: Oct 2011
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

is there really an argument that men get screwed when it comes to the custody issue? I know it initially played a huge role in my decision to stick around.

Don't know. My exH moved to the other side of the country before our divorce went through and didn't see our son for years, so it wasn't an issue, and my current H was given 50/50 custody of my stepdaughter. My two sisters shared 50/50 custody with their ex husbands.

I know there are some fathers that are screwed out of custody, and some mothers right here on SI whose children were similarly taken from them.

I really don't understand the need to be declared the Biggest Victim in the divorce arena. What does that bring you? Most of us here have been victimized by someone we love/d, but this is a supportive place where we're all in it together and here to help each other. Pointing at half the SI population and saying the entire gender is at fault doesn't do much but get everyone angry and defensive. I don't think the people just trying to get through each day and heal from the things they've been subjected to really need that.


Posts: 3188 | Registered: Mar 2005
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I think that the real problem with the courts now is that they are biased against SAHMs. They assume that women can automatically get back on their feet after years of staying at home. One or two years of alimony is not enough for women to get themselves back in the workplace and earning anything near what their husbands are earning. Because their husbands didn't give up years of their careers to take care of children. Almost every SAHM I know has had a significant decrease in her standard of living. And the kids are the ones who are hurt.

^^^^^ This is the gospel truth.

I'd also like to point out something about the 17% of dads getting sole custody, and how it might be perceived as unfair. I think we need to acknowledge which parent is usually the primary caregiver in our society. It's the mothers. I have never seen a study supporting the position that men carry the bulk of the childcare issues. So while I completely acknowledge that there are awesome & wonderful dads out there, I think it's disingenuous to take the 17% statistic and say it actually means men are getting screwed. Generally speaking, moms & dads don't have equal roles in taking care of kids even in intact, loving families.

I think the family court system is entirely f-ed up.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9509 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I really don't understand the need to be declared the Biggest Victim in the divorce arena.

Agreed. The only reason I keep chiming in is because I will never again sit quietly by while men talk nonsense about women.

Everyone here has been royally fucked by their cheating spouse. My heart goes out to everyone here regardless of gender. I've tried hard to be supportive of both men & women here. Therefore it's shocking & appalling when a man or two come on here & start spouting hurtful shit. About women.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 9:33 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9509 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
cruelty
New Member
Member # 35951
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I have never seen a woman come out better financially than her ex after a divorce. Maybe that's true for the well off? I've only seem lots if single moms struggling to keep up the basics.
I only have my life experience, which has made me question why anyone would get married
"I can do bad all by myself" Mary J Blige


"The trick to forgetting the big picture is to look at everything close up" -Chuck Palahniuk

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2012
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Facepunched - I believe that statistic includes all children, whether they come from divorced families or unwed parents. It's because men leave their illegitimate children behind, especially in inner cities. You can google the statistics. They're pretty dramatic. I think that one-in-three children in the US lives without a dad, and most of this is NOT due to the courts.
I certainly do not want to minimize the plight of unwed women with kids whose fathers abandoned them, because that's a tragic epidemic all it's own...but for the purpose of what we're discussing here (i.e. divorced mothers/wives and their standard of living), doesn't this skew the results?
Having said all that, my heart goes out to your father. I think he would do much better if he was divorcing your mother nowadays - he would probably get 50-50 custody. And it sounds like things would have been far better for his children if he did.
Maybe you're right. But this was only like 13 years ago, 2000. Again, it's definitely possible...I don't know enough divorced people (or the laws) to know.
I really don't understand the need to be declared the Biggest Victim in the divorce arena. What does that bring you? Most of us here have been victimized by someone we love/d, but this is a supportive place where we're all in it together and here to help each other. Pointing at half the SI population and saying the entire gender is at fault doesn't do much but get everyone angry and defensive. I don't think the people just trying to get through each day and heal from the things they've been subjected to really need that.
Agreed. I think we all come out worse for wear when is stops being about WS/BS and starts being about men vs. women. It's easy, cheap, simple, and usually garbage.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 2025 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Agreed. The only reason I keep chiming in is because I will never again sit quietly by while men talk nonsense about women.
I can respect that. I feel the same way when I read posts about 'EU' guys that just sound like normal dudes to me, or when I see a post where a BW mentions that she smacked her WH (even in a remorseful sense) and is greeted by the internet support group equivalent of "You go, girl." I just can't sit idly by.

Also, I think the OP was doing a fair bit of trolling as well...and we all bit.

ETA: This is not really a forum I usually post in, but the topic caught my attention.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 9:50 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 2025 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I don't know what an EU guy is. European Union?

And I agree about violence of any kind and trolls.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9509 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
CharlieFoxtrot
Member
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Disclaimer: I have not read all the responses!

Statistics can be skewed to look as damning as desired. In his first marriage, XH filed for D. In our marriage, it was we. In the grand scheme of things, it was my decision to push for it, and after he realized how damning all of the evidence I had against him was, he made sure it was agreeable. But I digress.

SeanFla, I actually think it is a good thing that you are looking into things like this before you get to the point that you are ready to date seriously/remarry. I'm glad for you that you don't want to repeat your choices in women and don't want to set yourself up for heartache. Isn't that our goal here? To learn from this heartbreak and move forward better, stronger people and have productive lives? However, understand that women as a whole aren't your enemy, but you can be damn sure that one woman with a mindset of external validation definitely is. My take is that you are fine tuning what you will eventually be looking for. God help me if I want another controlling POS needy man, but God help me just the same if I can't find the opposite. Men aren't my problem, just one fucking asshole in particular.

Infidelity sucks. Divorce sucks. Generalities suck, too.

I like men. I hate assholes.

And incidentally, there are women out here that don't think of love as it is portrayed in the media.


Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I don't know what an EU guy is. European Union?
Emotionally Unavailable. I see it tossed around a ton here on SI to describe guys (both WH AND BH) who sound, to me, like normal dudes. But that's an entirely different topic altogether...one that can be found here, if you're interested:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=506864&HL=28108


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 2025 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

the link worketh not for me


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9509 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

the link worketh not for me

Some of us more naughty folks have to log out to read stuff in Wayward.


Posts: 1656 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I'm not sure what that means, the naughty folk reference. I must not be naughty 'cuz I can see posts in Wayward just fine. Not that I normally look in there...

Oh well. My toast just popped for my PBJ. Gotta go!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9509 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I've only read some of the responses... I just wanted to say ex-asshat is the one who filed, not me. And I'm the one who got financially screwed in the D. In fact, I'm in my 5th year of receiving absolutely no CS. I've also never received a dime for his share of medical/dental expenses. And I have the bunch 24/7. They never go on visitation anymore.

I personally know more women in my position than not. Not saying I'm in the majority but we're definitely out there.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15382 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Faithsurviver
Member
Member # 30860
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, November 23rd (Saturday)

I have never seen a woman come out better financially than her ex after a divorce. Maybe that's true for the well off? I've only seem lots if single moms struggling to keep up the basics.

I have to agree with this also, my XHs income has risen steadily since our divorce 3 years ago, I continue to receive the same amount of CS each year knowing that his income has increased. I have talked to my attorney about it but have been advised to not "poke the bear"

My income has fluctuated in those years because I needed to be available to my children but it has never increased either. I have struggled several months to pay my bills and have had to consider moving into a cheaper place :(

My XH never asked for any physical custody when we separated, only legal custody. Because of his work schedule (pilot), he cannot set a regular schedule for visitation so I have had to deal with last minute requests for the kids and have to honor them no matter what or he screams "alienation" and threatens to take me to court
There have been times when my DD has already made plans with friends but XH bullies her into canceling because its "his" time (NPD characteristics)


BW (me) 51
XWH 53, but acts like a 15 y/o
M 18 yrs
DS 16, DD 14 (on D-day)
EA,PA with OW, 30 yrs his jr.
DDay 11/30/09 (DS's B-day), WH moved out 4 days later.
I filed for D-1/29/10,
DIVORCED 10/22/10
You can't reason with an NPD!!!

Posts: 335 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Midwest
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, November 23rd (Saturday)

Warning, I haven't read all the responses.

On the original post, the complaint seems to be that women expect too much of their husbands, and are miserable in their marriages.

I was happy in my marriage. Loved my husband completely. However, I was the one who filed for divorce.

Why, you may ask? Because we have a DD16, and he was trying to hook up with a 15 yo for sex. My duty as a mother trumped my duty as a wife.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1647 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Dawn58
Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, November 23rd (Saturday)

I have been in three divorce support groups over the past year and EVERY SINGLE PERSON in those groups, had a spouse that cheated on them. Every single person - that blows me away!!!!

I filed for divorce because I did not want to be married to a liar and a cheat. He said he was going to "take care of the divorce" but he never filed. All talk.

I already had been blindsided by the affair, he never had the the balls to tell me what happened, he was texting her while laying next to me in bed. I went into his computer and found the text messages he was sending her.

I was not going to get blindsided again whenever he decided to have me served divorce papers. So, I took charge of my life.

Insofar as unreal expectations, that's a blanket statement. I pretty much wanted a husband that would deliver on the vows he made to me, just as I strove to honor the vows I made him. I was not a kid when I married him, I know no one is perfect and that a marriage is about compromise. I will not accept cheating, lying and deceit. His mistress can settle for that.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 467 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, November 23rd (Saturday)

Sean,
I think your thoughts are logical for the place you are in life right now and agree that counseling is not necessary if you don't feel it would be helpful.

I think somewhere in your post you said you didnt blame women for filing if their H cheated, or was cheating. So on this forum, you are not going to get a whole lot of responses from women who filed under some other circumstance than that. Cheating is rampant, and I personally believe it is the biggest factor that leads to D, no matter who does the filing.

"I may have filed for divorce, but you, wayward spouse, ended the marriage."

My XH was a serial cheater, yet I gave him several chances after the D-days because he said that was what he wanted, and we had three kids together. He was a lousy husband, certainly not much like the romance novels or soap opera-exciting romances, but if it were not for the cheating, I dont believe I ever would have divorced him.

Cheating men don't file for divorce they'd rather eat cake.

My XH never would have filed. He would have continued to cheat though. He has been married to the final OW for over 20 years now. They are very unhappy together and I believe he cheats on her too, but instead of file for a D, he just spends as much time as he can on the road, doing who knows what. I guess that is just what seems easier for them to do. I dont know if she was the one to file from her first M, but it seems highly unlikely she would ever file for a D from my XH, though I can assure everyone she is not living the life of some Hollywood TV personality with him!

I have never seen a woman come out better financially than her ex after a divorce. Maybe that's true for the well off? I've only seem lots if single moms struggling to keep up the basics.

I have known plenty of women come out better finanically after a D. I have seen lots of women screw their XHs over royally. It happened to two of my brothers and lots of other people that I know. Just recently a man hung himself at his job because his wife was filing and ruining him financially.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 11:11 AM, November 23rd (Saturday)]


Posts: 5729 | Registered: Apr 2006
Topic Posts: 110