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Just Found Out
User Topic: Caught WS sexting a coworker a month ago and now???
cl131716
Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Two months ago if you would have asked me I would be where I am today I would have said you are nuts. I never in a million years thought my husband would cheat on me. This is his second marriage and knowing the devastation of the collapse of his first marriage I never thought he would risk it. He did cheat on his ex-wife (physically but no sex as far as I know) and she cheated on him as well. In fact the reason they divorced was due to her infidelity. She was "talking" to someone as he put it. I have spoken to her and she confirms that story. He has claimed many times he knows how dumb it all was and he would NEVER be stupid enough to do something like that now. He's always had insecurities and accused me on many occasions of cheating on him. Never have, never will. I always shrugged it off as being due to his past experience and let it slide.

Then about two months ago I accidently stumpled upon a fb message to a coworker he claimed to "hate". She had broken up with her boyfriend and my husband being the sweet guy he is swooped in to make her feel better. He told her she was gorgeous, deserved better, and he was here if she ever needed to talk. He deleted the message shortly after. It struck me as very odd considering he was always complaining about her at home.

Apparently she didn't take the bait and the conversation ended there but I began watching his fb and e-mail and discovered conversations with another coworker. They started out borderline inappropriate. Very flirty with some sexual undertone. Mostly winks, "wouldn't you like to knows", and crap like that. They would usually start through e-mails then move it to facebook. He was deleting all messages every day before he came home.

Then one day he told her she looked hot. I had enough and confronted him. I told him I felt it was inappropriate and he agreed. We both agreed to work on our marriage because we had put our relationship on the backburner.

Everything was great until a week later when I discovered another conversation between them. They began joking about wanting a piece. "I bet you want a piece" "hell ya i do!" The conversation was broken in places, almost like the spoke on the phone then continued on fb. Parts didn't make sense. She told him he was unlike any other guy and he again used the "you can talk to me about anything" line. The next day they took it a step farther. She made remarks about being "old" and having no eggs for his swimmers and he replied "even better". They talked about how they liked it (fast or slow) and he asked if she was sweet on him. It was sickening. I confronted him once again. He LIED to my face when I gave him the chance to come clean beforehand and then laughed it off when I read the messages I had saved. He told me it was nothing more than harmless flirting. It wasn't until I mentioned leaving that he changed his tone. Now he's claimed he was stupid and it will never happen again. He didn't remove her from his friend's list or even tell her I knew and communication would stop until I told him to.

Since then he seems geniune and apologetic but I have caught him poking random women on facebook, befriending them, and following them. Then last night the conversation of porn came up. I normally have no issue with porn but he admitted to doing webcams. In fact one woman he keeps searching and was following is a webcam model.

I want to believe it will never happen again but I can't. It seems like every day I see or find out about something inappropriate that he is continuing to do. It seems to me if he was genuinely sorry and respected me he wouldn't be searching for anything from ANY other woman. I am heartbroken and really sick of worrying about him doing it again.

I should mention I was 8 months pregnant when he was talking to the coworker. I can't take the stress and feel so lost as what to do. So what do you think? I would love a man's point of view. I wish I just knew if I could trust him again.

[This message edited by cl131716 at 1:53 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
trynhard
Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

H, please.. Go home to mommy and when you learn how to behave like a man, then call me in about 6 months. if you can prove to me you are worthy of being a H and father in that time, I might make a choice to forgive you.

Can you do that?


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here, I'm sure you must feel defeated and devastated.

Have you taken time to read the Healing Library in the upper left-hand corner? Chock full of great articles that will help you process your husband's infidelity.

Understand that cheaters lie and lie and lie some more. His words mean nothing, he has lied in the past, his actions will speak louder than words.

He definitely has poor boundary issues, his fb page needs to be shut down immediately.

There is no *harmless flirting* when you are married.

Stick with us, you will receive a great deal of support and will be comforted knowing we understand the emotional trauma you are experiencing.

Hugs....

[This message edited by annb at 3:47 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 7260 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

This man's point of view is that you have just received 10,000 points of view. Excellent advice already.

Keep posting though, you might draw out 4 fists of us saying the same.


Posts: 6003 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Please don't let him minimize what you have caught him doing. The moment he said those vows, actually, the moment the two of you went from dating to exclusive, he gave up the right to flirt with people who aren't you.

Right now, he is showing no remorse. There is no way to reconcile with someone like that in a healthy way. He needs help, but he needs to be willing to help himself. The advice above is spot on. Kick him to the curb. It might be the wakeup call he needs.


Posts: 1316 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
cl131716
Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I think one of the biggest reasons I have issues moving forward is because so much is "borderline" and he can hide behind the fact nothing really happened. It still burns me that he won't admit he wasn't joking and it wasn't harmless. Even in their conversation he states he is NOT joking. But he won't admit it. I still have the conversation saved on the computer and I have read it over and over. I guess I am trying to really understand what was going on because he won't admit it. He can't remember what they talked about during the broken conversation and that has always bothered me too. I don't even know if I want to work it out honestly. Some days I do but then others I think about how he did this to his ex and once before to me under slightly different circumstnces. I also think about all the other stuff, like the women on fb, not cutting off contact with the OW right away, and his casual dismisal of what happened. I don't think I can get past it. I really don't.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
trynhard
Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I know this about a quality man and this is NOT "borderline"

A quality man NEVER says those things to ANY woman. NEVER.

A quality man NEVER flirts with another woman. This man avoids those situations.

I think your head is in the right place. Your gut is telling you something.. Pay attention to it.

Work it out? I think you made that point to him once and he still did what?

That is a fact you already know. You gave him a chance and that shows me you are a good woman.. a woman who has the abilty to forgive.

But this is more than working it out type stuff.

Maybe you should call and set up an appointment with an IC.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
cl131716
Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Trynhard-I do plan on seeing a IC. Ws and I talked about going to a MC as well in the beginning but we haven't set anything up. I do think it would help, especially me.

I really appreciate all the advice from everyone. Thank you.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Actions speak louder than words.

What is he DOING to change?

Just saying he is sorry is not enough. He has proven his words are meaningless and can't be trusted.

Will he do IC? MC?

Something to acknowledge and address his behavior is inappropriate and damaging.

Until that happens, he is going to continue to push the boundaries.

Hang in there and fight for truth and honesty. You and your child deserve it.

Good luck. Hugs and prayers.


If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

Posts: 829 | Registered: Apr 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

They work together. Their interaction isn't based solely on these emails and facebook messages. They're talking,flirting,etc at work.

Put a VAR in his car..and wait. Chances are,you will hear them talking in his car on break.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6635 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
cl131716
Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Confused-They are co-workers but work on different lots which are about 45 mins apart. He trained her back in May though. Their e-mails started out as her asking questions about work and what not. I'm not sure a VAR would be effective in his car however, I am going to begin cleaning their main office on Sundays and I could put one in his office. I could possibly pick up their phone conversations.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

C1131176
Oh please put a VAR in his main office...
Look it is like children what you see is just the tip of the iceberg darlin.. Be prepared ok.
Sorry you are here.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3135 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Just please be careful in assuming they haven't been together. When two adults with shitty boundaries exchange sexually charged messages..and have access to each other..never assume anything. Your health and safety could be at risk.

Yes..absolutely VAR his office. His car is a good place also..because if they meet during breaks..or he calls her...or if he is proned to talking out loud to himself...the VAR could prove to be invaluable.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6635 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
ineedtoleave
Member
Member # 29332
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

The 'Just Kidding Part' ? That's what my WH told me when he accidentally sent an e-mail to me talking about getting together. Fast Forward less than one year later and he was in a full-blown affair... with a DIFFERENT co-worker! You are right to be suspicious.


BS(me)-52
WH-59
OW-43(married ex-Co-worker)
Married 6 yrs
DD#1: 3/19/10
DD#2: 5/11/10
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

Posts: 955 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Arizona
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

don't make threats you are not going to follow through on.

also, with regard to what ended his previous marriage, you probably only heard one side of the story.

Just saying.

I am so sorry you are here and have to deal with this. NO ONE deserves this. I hope you will be able to remain level headed and work together to resolve the conflict. It doesn't sound like he is being respectful though.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jun 2013
cl131716
Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Confused-I definitely will and the great thing about getting this job is I will now have access to his computer at work as well. The only reason I don't think they were together physically is because the way the convo read. It did seem it was leading up to that very quickly, however. I should put a transcript of the convo on here. I still don't believe it was absolutely harmless and there were no feelings on his end. At the very least he was looking to score. He still won't admit it though.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
cl131716
Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

This is the conversation I confronted him about.

WH: So last night went well for your daughter? Ahhh....you were thinking about me and telling me how it went. That was nice.

OW: yup you was on my mind

WH:sweet! i was like message and saw it "toni" lol

OW: yup your stalker lol

Then later in the day....

OW: Hey hoe

WS: wouldn't you wanna know? lol

OW: oh i know six reasons lol

WS: what are they?

OW: think

WS: k you lost me lol

OW: you've got one at home, one on the way, and four others! Got it now goob? Your a hoe!

WS: yes ma'am lol

OW: lol hoochy

WS: hey well at least it's not with 6 different women lol

OW: True that's a good thing

WS: I do what i do and i do it well lmao

OW: Yes you do Glad I am old or I may get that way just talking to you lol

WS: ehhhh not old! age is just a number

OW: i have no eggs for your swimmers

WS: all the better lol
j/k

OW: yup lol not your not!

WS: well neither are you lol

OW: nope!!!! lol

WS: omg toni you are awesome!!!

OW: no just bad very bad

WS: still awesome though!!! j/s

OW: eh whatever

WS: it is! don't be that way

OW: okay i was just kidding

WS: better be!
or are you playin hard?

OW: hard is always better j/s

WS: is it? well i think so too but slow and easy!!!

OW: true let me get mine before you get yours

WS: oh yes most definitely!!!

There was a little more but that was the worst of it.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Elaine2012
Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Since you don't say what kind of an office he works be careful about putting something in his office. You need to be careful of violating privacy of company confidentiality.


Me- 53
WH- 57
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 34 years; Sept 2012
Together 37 years
He doesn't want R.
In hindsight neither do I. For me adultery is a deal breaker!
4 adult DD's, 1 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 278 | Registered: Jul 2012
cl131716
Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Elaine-He works at a manufactured home company (family owned). I didn't think about that.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

WS: I do what i do and i do it well lmao

OW: Yes you do


Ummmmmm, that sure looks like she knows from experience how "good" he is. You need to get to your OBGYN asap and get a full panel STD test, your unborn childs very life may depend on it! I don't care if that man swears on his children (because they almost ALL do that, and they are almost ALL lying), you get tested asap! How devastating would it be to lose a child, or have a child with a birth defect if you could have simply taken some meds during pregnancy or delivery to not transfer your STD to them?


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Do NOT minimize this. My STBXWH started with online flirting like this, then exchanging 'selfies', to real life encounters; all with my best friend!!! Get into MC as soon as possible. You definitely want to nip this in the bud. I just hope and pray for you and your child's sake that it hasn't already gone further.

((hugs))


Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 983 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 3:36 AM, September 20th (Friday)

That convo doesn't seem like they've been intimate, despite the one comment of "yes you do" which I took more as a wink, wink. Doesn't matter. That conversation is so violating and gross (and WTF? Who uses the word hoe? And hoe is garden tool, dumbass). But you never know if it was PA. I think anyone who discovers any kind of A - emotional and online included - should get an STD test. Because, as we see time and time again, the A we discover is not always the first A.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 664 | Registered: Oct 2012
cl131716
Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, September 20th (Friday)

Just to clarify, I had our son on 8/16. D-day was 07/23. I have my PP appointment next week and will request a STD test just in case.

Another interesting tidbit regarding our son and the OW. As I said, he did not cut off contact or remove her from his friend's list until I pressured him. After I confronted him he tried to just avoid her the next day. When she would e-mail or message him he kept it short. She ended up asking if they weren't talking that day and called him BABE (which he told me hated yeah right!!!) and he responded "nothing is wrong, just been busy." Finally three days later he sent her an e-mail that I found out about the conversation and wasn't happy. She apologized to him and said she meant nothing by the "smack talking" (he called it that too). He also told her no more convos that didn't have to do with work. She also told him to tell me she was old enough to be his mother. (Sure that matters considering he kept saying you are not old, it's just a number AND he prefers older women it seems)

Well in the following days she began asking how I was feeling (so nice she suddenly cared) and a few times talked about her daughter. Then the day I went into labor she messaged him on FB "I'm the only one you didn't tell. Oh well...congrats! Send pics!" And he did!!! He sent her two pics of our newborn son just moments after he was born. SMH That was a slap in the face.

He keeps telling me (to reassure me) that I have access to his facebook and e-mail and he hasn't been talking to her to show me it was nothing. :/ But I do know they talk over the phone at times because he will tell me Toni called for this or for that. I want to bug his office so I can hear a conversation between them. If it's AT ALL overly friendly we will be done. It's not just the conversation of what he did but how he hasn't respected my feelings. Regardless if it was an A, I was very hurt and felt betrayed. I expect him to cut off ALL contact and not be the tiniest bit friendly. There is NO NEED to be if she means "nothing" like he says.

[This message edited by cl131716 at 9:08 AM, September 20th (Friday)]


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
cl131716
Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, September 20th (Friday)

RockyMtn-I totally agree with you. I actually giggled at the way she spelled some things after the fact. She spelled bored "board". The convo still makes me sick to my stomach when I read it though.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, September 20th (Friday)

Put a keylogger on the computer he uses at home and spyware on his phone. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't open another email account or a fake facebook.

A VAR in his car will tell you if he has another phone.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6635 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
cl131716
Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, September 20th (Friday)

I apologize for posting so much but my mind has just been constantly racing. I really don't have anyone to talk to so this is really the only place I have to vent.

I have been thinking a lot the past few days and I've really realized a few things. I thought I really wanted to R but I still drive myself crazy with looking for clues that it is still going on. I think the main reason for this is because deep down I KNOW it will happen again, it's only a matter of when. Obviously right now he is on the defense and is covering his tracks really well. I think my blinders may be finally coming off at this point as I realized this man is a serial cheater and will not stop unless he gets the help he needs. I minimized his previous "cheating" because once wasn't on me. It was on his ex-wife. I shrugged it off because it was a different relationship and under different circumstances.

But when we were in our exclusive dating days he accused me of "talking to someone else" out of the blue one day. I was very taken back but assured him over and over I wasn't. Then I discovered messages between him and a woman who he stated was like a sister to him. They said things like "yes i am still attracted to you" and "if we were ever both single I would like to give you chance". I confronted him and he stopped talking to her as far as I knew. Then about a year later (we were living together at that point) she sent him a text that said "you're an asshole" at 1am. Just out of the blue. He didn't respond and said she must have texted the wrong person. Funny thing about that night is I was going to a party with my sister which he was upset about so he had made plans with his "cousin". I ended up not going to the party so he didn't hang out with his cousin.

Now, those things combined with other messages I have found to various coworkers always with the line "you can talk to me about anything" made me realize this man has a serious need for validation. I will never fill that void and unless he gets help and works on his issues he will never change, if he even wants to.

That's where I am right now. Really not sure if I want to R at this point.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Topic Posts: 26