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User Topic: Little comments from BS
noglamour
Member
Member # 40380
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

My BS has been making little comments when I see her and they hurt some.

I feel as if they are little jabs at me.

How I do I handle these comments?


Me: WS 38
Her: BS 37
6 year old
Married 9 years, together 11
DDay: 7/29/13

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2013
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

What kind of comments? What kinds of things is she saying?


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 344 | Registered: Apr 2013
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I'm guilty of doing this to my husband. I'm trying to control it better. I do this because I'm hurting and I want him to feel it to. I wish my husband would ask me what's really bothering me. I wish he'd just hug me and say, I'm sorry your hurting. Or even, I can tell your angry with me, do you want to talk about it. Instead, he sits there not saying a word and feels sorry for himself.

Posts: 632 | Registered: Jul 2013
sunnyrain
Member
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Encourage her to say what she needs to say. Invite her to share.

Posts: 333 | Registered: Nov 2010
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Scubachick, instead of distancing yourself with these little barbs while not tell him just that? Expecting someone to turn toward you as you're pushing them a way seems to be rather counter productive...unless you just want to hurt him.

Noglamour, depends what your goal is. If you're divorcing I'd ignore and keep the conversation kids and finances.

I know your goal is reconciliation. She has chosen seperation. She needs to own that choice. She can conduct herself anyway she wants. You don't need to accept nor internalize any of it. It's not healthy for either of you. Don't use your past shitty choices to make present shitty choices. Boundaries.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Sparkle0504
Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I do the same. It's me saying I want to talk about it, I want him to show remorse, I want him to hold me and tell me he sees where I'm coming from. Rare that he actually does.

I don't feel guilty about it. I will say and do whatever I see fit (and to be fair to myself, I am never nasty) until something gives and he faces up to his outrageous behaviour.

[This message edited by Sparkle0504 at 10:40 AM, October 14th (Monday)]


Me 44 (BS)
Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011
Children - two, mine from my previous marriage
Final straw 6/6/14

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies


Posts: 191 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
Sparkle0504
Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

(And I do tell him that these are the things I want/need).


Me 44 (BS)
Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011
Children - two, mine from my previous marriage
Final straw 6/6/14

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies


Posts: 191 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
Blobette
Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

A lot of what we're talking about in MC relates to his inability to empathize, and the response to jabs like that is a case in point. Is the WS responding to the underlying emotion (as Scubachick says, the fact that she's hurting) OR is he focused on how unfair the BS is being (all about him)? So, noglamour, that may be what you need to focus on. Sometimes when a BS does that, it's to test the WS (do you really love me? Let's see how obnoxious I can be! I bet you don't really love me!) But it's also a cry for attention to the hurt a BS is feeling. So react to that, not the stupid jab.

Hope this helps.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1055 | Registered: Aug 2012
noglamour
Member
Member # 40380
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Her and I work together and she is working on this Instagram feature that will be going on the web site.

She came up with something this morning and she got offended when I wasn't "feeling" what she came up with.

Later that day she text...

Her: Doll House
Me: Huh?
Her: New idea
Her: The doll house
Me: Ok. I'm lost
Her: Hahaha I know

When she came home (i was watching our son) she mentioned the doll and that I would like that because its "strippers and high heels"

Its a strip club in my city.

I realize that I hurt her far more than I can ever imagine.

uncertainone,
my goal is to R, but she does not want to.
At this time we are separated and i think you are right.

She was out getting her hair done when she was texting. Son was home sick so I was over watching him.

I didnt acknowledge her new hair when she got home.


Me: WS 38
Her: BS 37
6 year old
Married 9 years, together 11
DDay: 7/29/13

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2013
Card
Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I didnt acknowledge her new hair when she got home.

If your goal is recovery, you missed a great opportunity to pay her a compliment.

Passive aggressive behavior is not a friend of any marriage...


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
noglamour
Member
Member # 40380
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Card,
You're right. Normally I would have complimented. In fact, each time I have been over dropping of my son or visiting my son I pay her one.
Yesterday, she braided her hair and I told her how young she looked.

It's just been a bad day and I'm feeling hurt and angered.


Me: WS 38
Her: BS 37
6 year old
Married 9 years, together 11
DDay: 7/29/13

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2013
FR2012
Member
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Yesterday while my husband and I were talking about stuff. We started talking about my A and he was asking questions. I answered them as I should and then I felt like he was taking pot shots at me. Just little things but I felt like he was doing it on purpose to get at me, to hurt me like he is hurting.

I asked him if they were pot shots at me like I felt they were and he said he didn't mean for it to sound like that. He said he wasn't. Not everything the BS says is meant to hurt you.

Just talk to your BS and ask. You can ask questions too.


BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
noglamour
Member
Member # 40380
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

FR2012,
next time i will ask her and and also let her know that her it hurts me.

My BS never acted like this to me before the A.


Me: WS 38
Her: BS 37
6 year old
Married 9 years, together 11
DDay: 7/29/13

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2013
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I will admit I did some of this, too. While out to dinner with another couple, the wife was talking about the wife of of a mutual friend whom she doesn't get along with and she was describing the person as a certain eastern european heritage with a spray tan and I said "Oh Im very familiar with the type" (this described SAWH's PoA). SAWH got really snippy with me. Mind you, I later discovered he was still not NC with her and in fact did not break it off with her until a few weeks from that date. So he was still hedging, I guess.

Bottom line: yes, it's immature. But it's a low risk way of letting you know she's angry and thinks you made a poor choice. I'm not saying it's pleasant but discovering your H has been having an affair is also not pleasant. It won't last forever, especially if you respond to it in a caring way. "Jane, I know what I did bothers you. I am trying to show you that I am sorry. The comments you make aren't helping the situation." Please don't do what my H did which was to get super defensive and stick up for his PoA.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jun 2013
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

You asked how to handle them. My therapist recommends I say, "Ow," as if someone pinched me. Then take a moment and assess my feelings and make a blame-neutral statement like, "When you say that I feel so ashamed about how I betrayed you, and really angry at myself because I sense you're hurting."

That said, I agree with UO...if you're not in R then I'd recommend you imagine you're rubber and she's glue (as the schoolyard saying goes). "What you say bounces off me and sticks to you."


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1090 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Scubachick, instead of distancing yourself with these little barbs while not tell him just that? Expecting someone to turn toward you as you're pushing them a way seems to be rather counter productive...unless you just want to hurt him.

It's usually because it stems from small detail or fact about the affair that we don't agree on because of his decision to trickle truth. It's usually a super sore spot for me and I'm struggling in my head to let it go and move on. Even on a good day where I'm not thinking about it, it sits just below the surface and it doesn't take much to wake it up. I know talking about it again will get us nowhere. I've tried going to my husband and saying things like "I'm feeling really insecure and jealous right now" instead of acting out and his response is usually "we'll you shouldn't be" . I guess what I really need from my husband at times like these is reassurance and for him to acknowledge that his actions hurt me deeply.


Posts: 632 | Registered: Jul 2013
noglamour
Member
Member # 40380
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Thank you for the great responses. My BS asked me to help install a new doggy door. I came over today and we talked and I told her specifically which comments hurt me.

We agreed that I would tell her right then when it happens again.

It went well today


Me: WS 38
Her: BS 37
6 year old
Married 9 years, together 11
DDay: 7/29/13

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2013
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

The comments bothered my H too, because he felt there was no constructive way to reply. So what I started doing was really trying to stop and figure out what the emotion was that was propelling me to make the comment. Many times what I was feeling was that I was unimportant to him, easily cast aside. Once I was able to express that to him, he knew how to reassure me, and we both felt better.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6638 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Topic Posts: 18