New Beginnings
User Topic: hitting middle age pity party
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I am turning 35 next week and while I normally party it up for my birthday, I am kinda having a huge pity party instead.

I am usually the first person to tell anyone else to NEVER EVER compare yourself to others, that it's a trap and just makes you feel bad about yourself. But I am having a hard time taking my own advice.

I keep looking around at friends and family members with great careers and nice houses and thinking how did I get to be 35 years old, still renting, still living paycheck to paycheck?

On top of that people keep asking when SO and I are getting engaged. We have not even discussed it, and honestly I had been fine with that. This spring when we moved in together I was fine with just that. But it's starting to bug me now. I keep trying to laugh off the question but part of me is wondering what's wrong with me that isn't asking? I hate that I even thought that!!! But I know it's all part of this feeling like I am getting old and worrying about the future thing.

Ugh... this sucks.

Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)


I am turning 31 in December. You and I are still in the same "box" (30-35) and neither one of us is old. Or middle-aged. Geez. At least wait 'til 40 to consider yourself middle-aged.

Don't have a pity party, have a regular party. Go out, have fun. Or stay in and have fun. But do something besides feel sorry for yourself. A birthday is a great excuse to not think about everything that's wrong with the world. It's a time for celebration.

Party it up like you normally do. Worry about all that other nonsense later.

me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."

Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

So can relate. Turning 30 and hitting the two year mark with SO next week.

Ran across this article today, we are far from alone;

ETA: Just reread the article and want to make it clear, I don't think you have an inflated ego and expect too much for yourself with little work, I just thought it was a funny generational musing.

[This message edited by Crescita at 3:23 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3466 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Member # 9898
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I think it's really hard to take our own advice, sometimes. I think that in the last 5 yrs, I've asked myself some of the same questions, particularly living paycheck to paycheck. It comes down to a morning gratitude checklist, at least it helps me remember that if I'm truly happy, right now, and we have what we NEED-not want-that it's all that matters, at least imo. If your bf had popped the question, you'd be freaking out about it too, lol. There's nothing wrong with you, he hasn't asked yet because it's not time yet. Men(most mature, emotionally healthy, men that I know), have a checklist of things that need to be checked off before an engagement, and everyone has a different time table. Hang in there, you're going through a transition(living with bf)AND have a kind of "big" birthday coming up, this too shall pass. *hugs*

Me,38 BS
DS Born 9/6/10

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: IL
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

You are young! Celebrate, what are us old folks who are 40+ supposed to say?

Early Congrats and no more pity parties.

Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Celebrate, what are us old folks who are 40+ supposed to say?


When you are 40, you will realize that 35 was not middle age. Trust me.

Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?

Posts: 25628 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I can't even remember when I was 35. Trust hasn't even begun to begin, or begin the begun, wait..its begin the beguine. Google it

I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.

Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

You are not middle age. Wait till you are in your 50's.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1649 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I hear you... I know I did NOT like turning 30. 40 didn't bother me in the least (go figure) but 30 sure did.

The good news is it really does only get better. I love my 40s! I've never felt so together or at peace, even when things are stressful.

As for SO, do you want to be engaged, kittycat? Or are you just wondering why he isn't asking? What would you say if he did?

Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15417 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

As for SO, do you want to be engaged, kittycat? Or are you just wondering why he isn't asking? What would you say if he did?

I don't even know. Which was why I was kinda fine with not talking about it at first. I know the idea of having a wedding gives me panic attacks, but at the same time I sometimes slip and call him my husband in conversation.

Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

You are not middle age. Wait till you are in your 50's.


That's what SO said

Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

The last few months have made it really hard to not play the compare game. A housewarming for my cousin in the kind of gorgeous new house I will never be able to afford. The 7th bazillionth friend to get engaged in the last year posting engagement photos while on her fab european vacation. And my perfect BFF- the one with the perfect husband, perfect condo and amazing career- just had a perfect little baby girl. It feels like everyone around me is buying houses and having families and advancing their awesome careers.

Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

((dck))) And yes, speaking as someone who just turned 53, you are definitely way too young to feel middle-aged. I'm really hoping 53 is middle-aged, since that means living until 106! (hey my great-grandfather was 104, so...) Anyway, I agree with Betrayal about appreciating what you do have, and not playing the comparison game. All those perfect people with houses and cars and all that probably have mortgages and credit card bills out the ying-yang. And as you know from this site, all those seemingly perfect marriages and families are not perfect. You never know what challenges they have in their lives. Concentrate on what makes you and your SO happy and keep on enjoying it!

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5297 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Wallow for a while. In fact set a timer for 20 minutes and amp it up. Really have a concentrated poor me misery party. When I've done this it gets it out of my system instead of following me around simmering on low. When you feel a lightening up then do the stuff that makes you happy. Create something!

I know when you hit the middle of a decade you can no longer say, well I'm EARLY thirties anymore. You are smack in the middle of that decade sliding down to 40.

I have so little to show for all my years and education and expertise it gets me down sometimes too. But I do have a creative and unusual life outside of the box and I really appreciate that I can express my quirkiness. That's worth something.

BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5871 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Member # 17185
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Then you hit your 40s and starting seeing your perfect friends with their perfect families and perfect homes are filing bankruptcy, breaking up, lose their perfect home, drowning in massive debt.

No, it's not gratifying or fun to see them go through this. Remember, everything seems to look great on the outside.

Concentrate on yourself, don't compare, and be happy with who you are and where you are.

"To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear."

Posts: 681 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Is 35 "middle age"?!?!?!

Fuck - I thought I had more time...

Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17890 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

If 35 is middle age, I haven't got much time left! I turned 50 on the 5th, in the 50th state.

If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
Member # 21791
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)


I also have to take issue with your definition of middle age-I'm 51 and I plan on living to well into my 90s or possibly 100. I'm just getting into middle age and really embracing it. 50 years old was one of the years best ever! If I had a time machine, I would never go back to anything age under 30. Why? I'm smarter, more confident, and more discerning than at any other time in my life-I bet this is true for you as well.

Next week, celebrate the wisdom, experience and authenticity that comes with the middle years. Truly.

Me (BS)47
XH (WS)53
Married 21 years
Divorced 2/19/07
Two sons 21 and 23 in college

Posts: 1462 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Northern Michigan
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I thought 45 was middle age!!!!

Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 33857
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Wait a minute! I am 53 and feel great! Ran my best ever 10 mile trail run last year.
35 is not middle age! I will call you and raise you 25 years!

Divorced by Interlocutory decree in May 2012. WW had an affair with a 66 yo doctor she worked for.
D-Day Sept 16. 2011.
BH- 52 (Me) / XWW 50 - ages back in 2011
Two great kids that don't deserve this!

Posts: 727 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: USA
Sad in AZ
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I understand how you feel but I'm here to tell you that you adjust. I'm 59; I'll probably never have the things I've wanted most of my life, but, meh. I have enough; I'm happy; I've lived a pretty good life so far, and I plan to continue that trend for a good long time or whatever time I have left--whichever comes first

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20313 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

At least you have a paycheck.

I agree that all those fabulous lives could be financed by a mountain of debt, and I see all my 20-something friends on FB getting married and having kids, but you were the first one out of the box on that front, and now you've been there, done that, and that shirt no longer fits.

What are you grateful for in your life kittykat? Love? Companionship? Lack of debt?

Make a list and then go out and have a nice cocktail with SO to celebrate your fabulousness.

35 is a great age. I'm 60. I should know.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 7:37 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17589 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I'm 43 now and just started considering the middle age thing lol. Age is just a number kitty - it's what you do with it that counts!

My goal is to do more now!

Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling

Posts: 4618 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

damncutekitty, I would second what was said before.

Many people in their 30ies seem to have it made just to fall apart in their 40ies because they are burned out, in debt, marriages ruined, their sweet kids not turning out to be so sweet after all. Never say never, you might have that house one day and might be happier than many of your friends because you made those decisions at an older age with more wisdom and life experience.

Look at me! I am a cute 44 year old who just got cheated on by her 66 year old boyfriend (turned out he was not 17 years my senior but 22 years my senior but it took me a while to figure out that lie) to be replaced with a 58 year old who does not hold a candle to me. If anybody deserves a pity-party it is me
And my apologies to all fellow SI-ler in their late 50s - not diminishing any attractiveness at that age, just saying this 58 year old dresses and looks the part and sports platin-blonde long hair which is not helping.

Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

The thing is, there will *always* be someone who has a more happening career, nicer house, a more expensive car or a sexier, more successful SO.

No matter what level of personal wealth you attain, there will always be more to want. That is what we have been trained to want.

Gratitude is about breaking out of that mindset and it's hard work to ignore the messages coming at us every second of the day.

The truth is that all this stuff costs a lot of money, and raising kids is horrifically expensive. Add in student loans, big mortgages and the expense of a two or three car household and the nut required to keep all the balls in the air gets out of control and then there's no going back...

I've learned to love simplicity. It's way more satisfying IMO.

*speaking as someone who no longer owns a car or real estate and has a 20-year-old bike and a bus pass*

[This message edited by FaithFool at 8:21 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]

DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17589 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

At least you have a paycheck.

For now. I am currently seeking a new job. My industry (health insurance) is in a state of upheaval right now and I don't think my job is safe anymore. I'm pretty sure my job will be outsourced overseas soon.

Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Member # 18222
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Often, you aren't seeing the whole picture. I know a LOT of people that joke Aussie and I are the perfect all-American family. We're really good at looking that way.

But, we aren't. Yeah, he has a good job...that takes him away ALL the time. And, we have a cute little house...that we both really hate. We'd give about anything to be renting an apartment or house right now, but, 5 identical houses in our neighborhood are already for sale, for less than we'd be able to list ours, so, we are stuck.We are living close to paycheck to paycheck.

So, yeah, definitely don't compare yourself to others. Things aren't always as rosy as they seem.

Me-29,Two boys, 10 and 9

It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end

Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.

Posts: 4491 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Indiana
million pieces
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Yeah, we were all "happy" in our marriages/lives at 35 and then one after the other many of my friends got sep/div'd when we hit 40. When we had a reunion of our close college friends a couple of years ago (the year we all turned 40) half of us were div'd or working on it. And the weird thing was, that 2 years prior we were ALL in the married and "happy" crowd.

Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1270 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
Member # 33539
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

35 is middle age? I just turned 40 and I realize that my life is really just beginning.

I do get into these pity parties too, but I try to keep in mind that things could definitely be much worse and even though we feel like we are at the bottom, that means the only place we can go is UP!

And do not compare yourself to others--you don't know what's the real deal. There are a WHOLE lot of fakers out there...

S, Filed 4/17/14--YAY, ME!!

Posts: 513 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: New York
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

DCK--aren't always what they seem and even if they are nothing guarantees it will stay that way. At 35 I had a big, beautiful house, 3 beautiful little girls, was in grad school working on my PhD, a home at the lake, a boat, and I'm sure it looked pretty good from the outside.

But--(always a but, isn't there?) I also had a lying, cheating husband, debt out the wazoo, little girls who hardly ever saw their father because he was always "working", I was stressed to the max trying to get everything done--I'm sure you get the picture. But hey--we looked good from the outside.

As long as you're happy--don't let those other people--or what they have or do, steal your sunshine.

Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2128 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Good grief, I didn't even get married until I was 35!

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9852 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

It feels like everyone around me is buying houses and having families and advancing their awesome careers.

Yeah and peel back the curtain & noone's life is perfect. Who knows some may envy your freedom and your relctionship?

Heck I am 53 as of last Monday and just getting started. Hell I didn't run my 1st marathon til I was 47!! I will let you know when I hit middle aged

Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

Thanks y'all. I still haven't gotten in the mood to party necessarily, but I am planning to spend my staycation doing things that make me feel good about life.

Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Member # 18132
Happy  Posted: 7:49 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)

Also with life expectancy on the rise, 35 is the new 25 Hope you enjoy your special day!

"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Feb 2008
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)

I figure that since my mother's mom died one month shy of her 100th birthday and my dad's mom is 95 next month, I'm putting my "middle age" somewhere around 49. But I've got to say, I've always been in the "age is just a number" camp!

Go out and celebrate another year on the planet. Make a grand plan of what you'd like to accomplish this year. Then make a realistic one. Toast your strength. Revel in the beauty of your relationship and ignore how others are trying to define it.

Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 14193
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)

I was in your exact same boat for what felt like a long time, until just a short while back, so I just wanted to toss in my perspective. I was in my early to mid 30s, and all my colleagues around me had been married for years, most already had at least one kid or not more, and were usually in the process of buying their own home if they hadn't yet. I also constantly got asked when I would get married, how long had I been with SO, did I think he was the one, and what was taking us so long. Meanwhile, behind it all, SO were struggling bigtime in the relationship, so it was painful to put up a nonchalant happy face to all the interrogation. I HATED every moment of that. I hated looking in the mirror, feeling so old, and seeing every grey hair as a testament to the trials I had been through with no fruits to show for it.

Last October I got married. In Hawaii. To the best man who ever crossed my path. We bought an amazing house. We got an awesome dog. So I had the boy, the bling, and the bark. Have my job paying good money and my boss thinks Im the best employee out of a hundred. Life on paper seriously couldnt get any better..

You know what? Life goes on... just as I always had before I got married! Almost nothing has changed just because I got married. Every day when I had been so pitying and upset about being behind everyone else is just a tiny memory now - cause you're going to move on to a whole different set of issues to deal with.

This moment is as real and good as its gonna get. Don't miss out on it. In what feels like just a few moments from now, you'll be living the life you think you should have now.. but you're going to wish you cared a little less, partied a little more, and wished didn't waste a single breathe more on worrying on what should be.

Wishing you the best birthday week!

35 - FBSO
“Integrity has no need of rules.”

Posts: 957 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Maryland.
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)

I am planning to spend my staycation doing things that make me feel good about life.
I love that plan, dck.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25835 | Registered: Aug 2011
Exit Wounds
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

DCK, I am 43 and working two jobs, and renting... I totally hear ya...

Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
Member # 17185
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

My goal now is to have no debt, not even a home (it was a huge pain in the ass anyway), rent, enough money to buy some expensive things once in a while, and most importantly, not lie awake at night worrying about bills and if someone is cheating on me.

When it comes down to it, the simple life is the way to go for me.

Be happy, and be happy with what you have. Really, nothing lasts forever.

Except freakin' taxes!!

"To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear."

Posts: 681 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

LOL! You're 35, that's not middle age!

You could be 53, like me. Now that's middle age! My career has been on hold due to kid illness and my H's A. And I've been rethinking what I want to be when I grow up.

(I refuse to be a senior citizen until I'm 70. At least.)

Happy birthday! Party on!

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 11:35 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]

DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 877 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

3 out of 4 of my best friends died in their 20s (all unrelated: accident, cancer, suicide).
Turned out middle age for them was about 14!
Thinking about them and everything they never had a chance to do or even try, makes me appreciate my own accomplishments (however small or even trivial).
Yes my current friends are all super happy, super rich, with loving spouses, perfect kids, and great jobs- until you really ask them how something (eg marriage, job) is really going... Then you realize: we all struggle in our own way.

Posts: 501 | Registered: Jun 2012
Topic Posts: 41