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Just Found Out
User Topic: still in shock
cardnial
Member
Member # 40382
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Hello, I have been reading from this site for about 3 weeks now. I am married and just found out my husband was having a full blown affair with a married women. I just happen to see the email and chats they sent to each other because Mr. Slick left his secret email acct. open. He also had a secret cell phone. I was in Alabama visiting our daughter, I fell down some stairs and broke my ankle. had surgery the same day, had 8 screws and a plate put into my ankle. I came home 2 weeks after that. I was in a non weight bearing cast for 10 weeks.Him and his skank talked about me in the emails and he thanks her for putting up with this while he has to take care of me. He has cheated on me for years but I was young, had 2 little kids so I rug swept everything. I had reoccurring dreams about all his other women in the past. there were so many. But we stayed married, we retired early and built our dream home, took vacations with our daughters and their families. I thought the days of lies and cheating were in our past. Now I am in shock, pain is just unbearable. He never changed, he is almost like 2 different men. I threw a fit and made him leave, so now he is in another state about 1000 miles away. One of our daughters flew in from Calif. to help me, I am still in PT just now learning how to walk again. It just hurts me so much that the man I loved and cared for many times when he had 2 heart attacks, back surgery, etc, he didn't have my back when I really needed him. I hate him some days and love him and miss him other days. My heart and my brain are shattered. I don.t even know what to do next. I just set and stare and think omg why has this happened again. I really rebuilt the trust, I trusted him with my life. He emails me every few days to lash out at me about how I threw him out. When he left I put my arms around him and said I love you but I need some time alone to think about all this. So that's my story, I need advise desperately. I never knew you could still live and feel this much pain, I think I must be dead by now. thanks for reading this. I am so glad I found a safe place to speak about all this

Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Calif.
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

cardinal,
I am sorry you are hurting physically and emotionally. It is such a hard place to be. I am sure in his eyes you did kick him out because he has not been accountable to his actions before. So this is a surprise to him. However, he did you wrong this time and many, many other times. You need to take care of yourself. The pain is unimaginable unless you have experienced it.

Have you told your daughters and exposed the A? That is a personal choice. In my situation my H didn't change or become remorseful until I was ready to divorce him and then he changed. However, I had to get to the point that I was ready to do that. That took a lot of time on my part to get ready for that.

Healing comes at it's own time. Right now, you must take care of you. Eat healthy to heal, do your physical therapy, try to sleep.

Post here when needed, there is a lot of wisdom. He is blameshifting and trying to make this your fault....do not let him do that. You did nothing....you were the faithful one! Hugs to you.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I hate him some days and love him and miss him other days.

We call this the rollercoaster.

Welcome to the carnival ride you never bought a ticket for!
Keep posting. We're here for you. We understand.

Your ticket off the rollercoaster is to love you.
Love yourself enough to take care of you. Don't make your happiness dependent on some other, some cheating lying other.
Make it on you.


Posts: 6644 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
cardnial
Member
Member # 40382
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Thank you so much for your support and hugs. I did tell our daughters, older daughter is very bitter, she remembers how he was so mean to her when he was out whoring around in the early years. I understand she resents him and she is kind of glad he got caught and I threw him out. The other daughter just is still in shock, she says daddy was surrounded by love and he threw it all away because he is selfish. He has always loved himself more than his wife and children. I am feeling somewhat relieved that he is gone but I miss him. I have never made him leave in the past. I just went on and tried to be a good wife and mother. I did not tell the OW husband, she has a small child and I don't want to hurt the kid. She is just another one in his long line of affairs. He also had 6 women in his chat room on line in his secret email acct. fake name, lots of planning and deceit. He has the nerve to lash out at me and say things like he won't live under a microscope, etc. Why would a 66 yr old man risk everything for a lousy screw????

Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Calif.
kansas1968
Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

"Why would a 66 yr old man risk everything for a lousy screw????"
*******************

I don't think he thought he was risking anything. He has gotten by with this for years, probably most of your marriage, so why would this time be any different. He was obviously a SA and he was never forced to deal with that.

We all know what the pain you are expierencing feels like. It is like no other pain. It is unbearable. He is lashing out because he is angry that finally there were some consequenses for his behavior. Real consequenses.

I doubt that he will change unless he confronts truly what he has done and has real remorse and gets into therapy.

I am so, so, sorry for the pain you are feeling. I remember that pain very well. Take care of yourself and get into some counselling if you can. You need to be able to talk it out. You are about my age, so I know how scary it feels to think that yor marriage may end at this stage in your life.

But you deserve to be respected and loved. You have done nothing wrong.

Keep posting here. It will help a lot. Hugs. K


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
cardnial
Member
Member # 40382
Default  Posted: 1:43 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Thank you for your kind words. I have started some counseling and also joined a church group for divorced and separated folks. I really like the support group, not too preachy but we do pray at the end of the meeting. I am scared to death to start over at my age, I am 63, worse year of my life. I thought we had it all, but still was not good enough for him. sometimes I hate him. After we rebuilt our lives I told him I will not live like I did before with all his lies and other women, I guess he under estimated me, he never thought I would put him out. I am trying very hard not to respond to his emails but he knows what buttons to push, I get caught up in the word game. I cannot win, he is so very good at the game. He is the master of the game. I am heartbroken but still standing and he has been gone for 3 weeks now. I think as time goes on I will get stronger. I am afraid but hopeful.

Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Calif.
LAFA
Member
Member # 31868
Default  Posted: 3:44 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Of course he knows how to push your buttons, he installed them. NC is best right now. Do not accept the blame shifting and whining from him. It sounds like you have a great support system with your daughters. You will keep getting stronger, and you will recover with time.


When you put someone on a pedestal, they quickly learn two things. The view is mighty good from up there, and it is a fine vantage from which to kick.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hawaii
CallMeRed1
Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 3:54 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

cardnial, you poor poor thing.

As others have said it sounds like Mr Slick is indeed a SA and frankly once they start down this path I am not sure they will ever get out of it not without a lot of work anyway, and he sounds like he's not ready to do that work.

I am so sorry you also had this when you hurt yourself. I twisted my ankle last year and all my SA EXH was worried about was not getting any, so I ended up doing what he wanted but at the same time realising he didn't really care about me, not really.

The rollercoaster is hell but you will get through this. You are doing the right thing going to a support group etc.

Very gently, if you consider taking him back, I honestly think you will have to accept him for what he is... and that sounds like a hard thing to accept. But unless he gets some serious treatment and WANTS to be helped and DOES express remorse, you are only going to find yourself in this situation again and again.

Thinking of you. And if you do decide to go it alone, it does get better. It takes ages but it does.

xx


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 187 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:02 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Sorry for your physical and mental pain, but both will get better. I know the pain feels unbearable right now...more than you have probably ever experienced...but it definitely subsides.

I am trying very hard not to respond to his emails but he knows what buttons to push, I get caught up in the word game. I cannot win, he is so very good at the game. He is the master of the game.

He will win the game of manipulation, because (1) it is a game to him, and (2) he is a liar and a cheat. Let him have his games; you are not a willing participant.

But what you will "win" is the quality of life, although that feels impossible at the moment. Now that you are no longer accepting his behavior, and won't accept to be treated any less than you deserve, you will start to exit this current toxic relationship. You can't put a price on being authentic, and the only person that can stop you from this is yourself. I don't know if your husband has it in him to do the work to be a safe partner again, but his road to recovery is a LOT longer than yours. While he may seem strong and secure on the outside, he is a very, very broken individual.

Don't get drawn into his games. See an attorney if you haven't yet---knowledge is power, and it is time to start arming yourself. The more that you take back control of your life, the stronger and better that you will feel. When your husband starts to realize that you will no longer be a victim, he will back off...because he will realize that he is fighting a losing battle.

Keep reading and posting, along with going to your support groups, as it will really speed up your recovery. Don't accept anything less than a loving, supportive spouse should receive from their partner. You deserve better, and will receive better, if you stay true to yourself.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2072 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Welcome - You will find many wonderful people here.

You certainly have tolerated more than your fair share of disrespect. Unfortunately while you hoped, and prayed he was done philandering, nothing was done to actually force him to change his ways.

Obviously you are hurting now, so this may seem a bit harsh, but these are some things to consider.

He has shown you over and over who he is, and that is a cheating liar that cheats and lies. Why do you want to stay married to him? He has no respect for you, or himself. He clearly operates from a place of do what you what, hell with the rest of the world.

I would strongly recommend that you get your rear end to an attorney lickety split, and find out what your financial rights are, and how to secure any savings/retirement/pension that you are entitled to. The last thing you need is him hiding/spending the money that you two planned on having for the rest of your lives.

Life can be very short, and you are clearly miserable and have endured more pain than the average person. Why are you afraid? You are a strong capabale woman. You know you don't need a man to be happy, certainly not this guy.

You have spent your life put everyone elses needs first, now it's your turn to be first. Be kind to you. Focus on healing from your injury, and getting back on your feet, if you are overcome by grief then talk to your dr and get some antidepressants.

I would strongly recommend that you maintain NC, and even go ahead and file for D. You act like 63 is ancient, but it's not. Do you deserve to live the next 20 years without real love and respect? (your answer should be no).

Keep posting, keep asking questions, please read the healing library. Rely on your wonderful girls to give you support.

Your H is very broken, and probably not fixable, at least not until he is ready to.

(((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8709 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
cardnial
Member
Member # 40382
Helpless  Posted: 5:09 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I guess I never really thought he was a SA, but the life we have lived has proved otherwise. He is mad as hell that I made him leave, he wants to dump this blame on me. He said he is not going to come back and I responded so be it. I have really put up with his cheating and lies my whole life, your all so right, I do deserve better. I have seen a lawyer and I know my rights, I just got a BIG FAT pay raise thanks to my husband and his skanky girlfriend. After I told him I saw a lawyer he went nuts, starting flying off hurtful emails to me. He says I am going to clean him out money wise but I am not that kind of a person. He doesn't even know me. NC is so very hard, I want to just say go to hell but a part of me feels very connected to this man. I am hanging in there but this is the most difficult thing I have ever done. I cannot imagine R , I think too much damage has been done after years of verbal abuse control and manipulation. Thanks for listening.

Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Calif.
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

My hat is off to you Cardinal! It's damn time your H faced the music although it brings such pain to you. I totally know what you mean about being connected after so many years together. I just learned in February that my H is SA. Just 4 months before our 36th anniversary however, I never knew about his whores until dday.

I could have written your post. You say he doesn't even know you. I get that too. You know why? Because he never stopped thinking about himself long enough to see you. You were the giver and he took it all. Same here.

All this hateful stuff he is throwing at you is just an attempt to get you to succumb, like always. Right? I promise you this, if you will stay strong & stay the course you will see a man you have never seen before one way or the other. He will eventually start seeing the carnage he is leaving in his wake & his thinking will change, one way or the other and, that will help you see what you need to see. I can't tell you how long it will take. That's the agonizing part. Just know you are not alone. There is a thread in the I Can Relate forum for partners/spouses of sex addicts. I bet you will see some see some similarities with some of us.

I'm so sorry you were forced to join our ranks but, you have come to right place. You are going to learn things you never knew about yourself but, it will move you in the right direction. Stay strong honey. It's a really rough ride but, enough is enough. Respect yourself & demand it from him as well. Don't hug his neck, don't reassure him, don't coddle him. Keep him at a distance and let him know that he has indeed crossed the line of what you will live with. Let him know you are in charge and he will only come home if and when you decide and not because of threats. Make him be a man for once, not a child.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

First off....Cardinal I'm so very sorry you have to go through this. Nobody deserves it.

But you've found us and right now this is the best place for you to be so welcome.

Cardinal...you said you aren't the kind of person to go out after his money. Well START being that kind of person. You have a good 20 to 30 YEARS of life left and do you want to spend them worrying about money?????

Think of if this way; Only by the grace of the Big Guy Upstairs did you NOT get infected with an STD from your WS's antics. The money is what your WS owes you for putting your life and the life of your kids in danger.

Talk with your lawyer and go for all you can get. You will need it in the future. Make sure you get a shark of a lawyer who will go after your WS like he's a piece of chum in the water.

And.......

"Sexual Addicts are serial cheaters; but not all serial cheaters are Sexual Addicts." There are very clear perimeters on what constitutes an SA. My FWS was a serial cheater but not an SA and from what you tell us your WS is simply a cheater who never had to suffer any consequences from his actions so just kept on doing them.

You also need to contact the BS of the last married AP of your WS. He deserves the right to make an informed decision on his life and the life of his child. You are not the one hurting that child; the skanky mom is.

You are a strong woman and the best years of your life are right around the corner.....you just don't know it yet!!!!!!!

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6580 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
CheaterMagnet
Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Cardinal, I am so sorry you find yourself here. But know that you have found one of the best places to be when you are dealing with this crap.

Secondly, I would like to say emphatically that your husband may NOT be a sex addict.

I get so angry when people start throwing that in there when the only evidence is ongoing infidelity. There is MUCH more to being a SA than just being a serial cheater. Please don't focus on labeling your WH right now. Focus on healing YOU. If you are wondering about SA, please do more research. Don't let anyone tell you he is a SA without knowing more. There is not enough in your post to even BEGIN to label him.

((((((HUGS)))))) to you.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
Gr8Lady
Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Cardinal.....so sorry for your situation. Unfortunately it is all too common.
My question is what are they thinking to risk everything...answer is simple they are only thinking of themselves and their wants.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 618 | Registered: Jul 2012
cardnial
Member
Member # 40382
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I am moved to tears and so very grateful to everyone who has reached out to me. I still feel like I am in some bad dream. I saw the emails they wrote to each other and they are very warm and vey sexual. The day before I returned to Pa. they spent the day/night in a hotel room. apparently they just wore each other out, she blows him and she can hardly walk the next day because he just had at her. They are such pigs. I see more hotel reservations that they kept, it makes me sick. He says he was trying to break it off but was worried she was in love with him and she would flip out and come here to our home. In some emails he says he cannot see her because I am so much work and his life is so hectic. He uses my injury when he wants to avoid her. But in a few days he tells her he loves her and signs off with Love Daddy. Only I have ever called him that and that just kills me now. He is an old man and he still thinks he is hot stuff. dumb ass!!! I am sort of glad he is in AZ and I am in PA, if he were here he would be playing some really serious head games on me, try to break me. I don't even know why I would love such a person, I would not even be a friend to such a person. I hope he gets herpes, since I was in a cast for !0 weeks he just never bothered with sex with me. I think he will never change and die a lonely old man. I want to be rid of him but I cannot pull the plug, WHY ???

Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Calif.
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I want to be rid of him but I cannot pull the plug, WHY ???

Because you gave your heart and soul to this man for a very, very long time---and that cannot be shut off at the flip of a switch.

Give it time. Keep your distance from him. Remember that No Contact=No New Hurts.

And the more emotional distance that you put in...along with focusing on yourself...and you will find yourself strong enough to make a decision in either way. If your husband pulled off the miracle of miracles, and dug deep on himself, he may become the person that you always thought he may be. But don't count on it, and don't wait for it. Keep working on getting yourself to a place where any decision that you make(stay or leave) is a decision motivated by only your clear conscience, and nothing else.

That would be a genuine choice...and there is no wrong decision when you make it.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 5:35 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2072 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
cardnial
Member
Member # 40382
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

Hi Guys, It has been 5 weeks since I found out about the OW and told my husband to leave. He moved to another state, like 1000 miles away, not sure why he went all the way to AZ. maybe I should ask WHO is in Az? Yes 5 weeks, seems so much longer, I have been on the crazy carnival ride. It is a horror ride, but you know what I didn't fall off. I am still hanging on with white knuckles sometimes but I am still on, I didn't fall off. Everyday I put a few pieces of me back in place. I have been working the NC thing. We were emailing everyday but it ended with him giving me a verbal ass whipping, it's all my fault of course. The only reason we can't R is because I will make him live like a bug under a microscope, and he is not having that, blah blah blah. I am going to my counselor, my support group and hanging out with you guys on SI. Not crying everyday, just try to stay busy and move through the grief. It is a little better each day, Thank you all, this site as filled many lonely night for me.

Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Calif.
LifeIsBroken
Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

Cardinal: Your day to day will improve day to day. You appear to have reached the conclusion you will no longer live with this man and his APs. That's a whole lot of the battle. The other part is putting you back together and you say you're doing that, as well. It does get better; each day is just a little further from him and a little closer to you. You can't just erase 45 years of your life nor do you want to. Remember the good times, be done with the bad times, and take another step forward each day. The lack of his daily drama, the lack of censuring, no longer playing detective, the list of 'no mores' goes on and on.... leads to such a PEACEFULNESS in your life. You will get there and wonder why you lived with his infidelity for so long. Sending hugs to you.


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 504 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

66 years old and no ED? Whether he likes it not, old age will soon put an end to his SA behavior, particularly since guys in that age group are frequently taking medicines that cause sexual problems.

ED with a loving marriage partner can be bearable, but since he has thrown that away I can see misery on the horizon.

I hear the honking of the karma bus....


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
cardnial
Member
Member # 40382
Exclaimation  Posted: 10:31 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

Even at 66 he is still a good looking man and he knows it. He always, always thought he was hot stuff. He had gotten viagara but he never told me. He pretty much ignored our sex life and I thought ok, he is on B/P meds and it has slowed down his sex drive. He won't be alone long, this man loves women fluttering around him. He still thinks he can make women swoon over him. Of course his last OW was 42 so that had to boost his ego. I don't want him to come back but I am not ready to pull the plug either?I think I am waiting for him to do it?? so crazy, He is just a selfish man. Always was selfish with his love and emotions. Thank God I was with him long enough to get a pretty sweet sum if and when we divorce. I never want another man, UGH

Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Calif.
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)

His responses to you are just abuse, and I think your years together have made your pain 'familiar'...
That's why NC is wise, you move away from that & get to know & love yourself. You know you don't deserve the verbal and emotional beatings he's dishing out!

Filing for D is not "pulling the plug".
It is a beginning of a process that takes time - sometimes too much time - before it is finalized.
Plenty of time for him to initiate changes, meanwhile, you're heading in the right, healing direction whether he steps up to the plate or not.

Do it to protect yourself, see it as a process, not a cliff you are stepping off of - that's too dramatic (& is not the case anyway). Don't let the fear of what is not there keep you from taking steps to protect yourself.

I don't care how he "looks" on the outside, he's mean and rotten within.
Too, taking viagra while on bp meds is like masturbating against a passing freight train -
it's not going to end well for him.

Distance yourself from the damage. File. Begin the process.


Posts: 6644 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Topic Posts: 22