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User Topic: ex-inlaws
click4it
Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

its been 12 years.

7 years being divorced.

In most people's eyes, I should be well beyond "past that".

This includes being in the same room with him and his wife.

I have no seen his wife or been in the same room with her for 12 years - since dday pretty much.

ex-SIL has invited me to her daughter's bridal shower this Saturday. I asked if ex-h wife will be there. She said she did not know and she "hates this" because I am family too. I told her I don't mean to be difficult, but I am just not comfortable being in the same room with them. She said she doubts it but that this is special and I should be there and when they get married there should be "no excuses" for not being there. I said the wedding I might not have a problem because that will be a big event and I can deal with that. The bridal shower is more intimate and in her home.

So anyway, I'm putting this out there to see how many of you can actually be in the same room as your ex and his wife? no matter how many years have gone by.

I just am not willing to do and cannot do it.


Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25554 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
CallMeRed1
Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 3:42 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

We all have our own set of issues don't we. My ex-inlaws (and exwh's friends) are all acting like I've died, so I don't have that problem.

The only one who keeps in touch is the only one who matters, that's my stepdaughter, and she's made it quite clear she would pick me if she had to do any picking (and she doesn't know that her dad cheated on me).

It's a really difficult situation. I can cope with seeing my ex, but I have to for our children.

Take care of yourself and don't be pushed into anything you don't want to do.

x


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 187 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
momoftana
Member
Member # 17383
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I don't have to, and the Jolly Green Giant isn't big enough to make me.

Posts: 170 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: florida
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I have very little issue with it. I still hope OW gets run over by the southends of a northbound heard of skunks but I don't wish her dead anymore. If I had to I could be in a room with her. I draw the line at my home. I refused to allow her over for my DS graduation party. Other than that, no problem.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
Dawnie
Member
Member # 26912
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

My XH is also married to the OW and his family seems to have accepted and welcomed her into the famly. This is a deal breaker for me as far as they are concerned..... I aliented myself from all of them and never initiate contact with them. They try from time to time to include me and I always gracefully decline.. I never say why but I think they all know.

I am a very black and white person and do not tolerate bullshit well... and the family knowing the facts of our split yet still accepting her is bullshit.

I get why you feel like you do, and I think if you are not comfortable then decline the invite.


DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 48)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 802 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

This is a tough one; I'm sure you love your niece and want to share the joy in her life. You are fortunate to still have a cordial (or even better) relationship with your XILs. I would love to give you some advice, but I don't have any. I'd like to think I'd suck it up and go for my niece, but I've never been presented with the opportunity, and I doubt it will ever come.

I do have to think about this for the future if the X and the OW ever form some kind of union (it's still pretty nebulous, but I have a feeling it will cement someday.) With DS & DIL having the baby, chances of running across the crappy couple loom in my future.

Do what you think is best for all concerned, including yourself click.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20173 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Personally, no, I could not go. Send them and nice card and gift. Why put yourself through that anxiety. I am with Dawnie on this

his family seems to have accepted and welcomed her into the famly. This is a deal breaker for me as far as they are concerned

I plan on cutting them out if they do this in the future.


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 592 | Registered: Mar 2003
click4it
Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I've long ago accepted that they've accepted her and her family into their family. This is their son & brother and honestly, they have no choice but to accept her without alienating him. He is their blood and that's not going to change. The funny part is that he doesn't see them that often anyway so really its the other way around - he has alienated them from his life.

I'm they will not understand why I'm still uncomfortable, but they have not been through it so they would not know how it feels. Yes, their mom and dad have finally been able to be in the same room as each other - but it took MANY years for this to even happen. So, they have some clue.

Its just hard because I have so little family of my own that I want to remain in theirs and I feel if I don't go, I won't be invited anymore. But that might a risk I have to take because I'm not going to sacrifice my own feelings to always please them.

I did put in a call to my ex-h last night and left him a message. I said I just want to know if your wife and her sister are going to the bridal shower this Saturday because I've been invited as well. If you can let me know no later than Friday, that would be great.


Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25554 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

My only niece (S-SIL DD) got married last month so I had considered this same thing as soon as the engagement was announced (me - overthink much? LOL).

I had decided I would not attend if invited and just send a gift and my wishes.

IDK - if you feel you need to go, you could always do the wedding only....that would avoid much social interactions.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2100 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I want to remain in theirs and I feel if I don't go, I won't be invited anymore. But that might a risk I have to take because I'm not going to sacrifice my own feelings to always please them.

Do you see the contradiction in this statement? You are not doing it to please them; you are doing this to stay in the family. You do what you have to do, and if you don't, you can't really lament being cut out.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20173 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
hurtbs
Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

My ex didn't marry any of his OW, but I know that I couldn't be in the same room with him at an event. I'm 7 years post DDay #1 and 2 years post divorce.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I can promise you, it will not happen. Ever.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3348 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
gardenparty
Member
Member # 12050
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I would love to say never but I know that it will happen when my daughters get married. I hope it doesn't happen for a long time yet. We have been divorced for 7 years and any interaction that I have to have with him makes me sick for weeks in advance.


divorced!

Posts: 2679 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: newfoundland
hoya96
Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I'm within several feet of the OW on a regular basis - one of her favorite activities is to wait until I sit down at a soccer match/swim meet/parent meeting and then come sit down within feet of me with exH, and proceed to PDA.

Since she is the OW AND my former best friend, you can imagine how it makes me feel.

I hate it, so I have a lot of sympathy for you. But do I do it? Yes, because the alternative is to be sidelined in MY children's lives, and I refuse to let that woman take any more from me.


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man.

Posts: 325 | Registered: Jun 2010
ManBearDivorce
Member
Member # 36258
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I have to adapt to the anxiety I have when we exchange the kids. Other then that I would never want her to be in my presence. Shit like this is why I have cut ties with my inlaws. they are great but eccepting what there daughter is and is still doing is also a deal breaker with me.

Posts: 342 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: St.Paul Minnesota
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

Sounds to me like while they may have accepted her presence, they PREFER you.

It pisses me off that these OW's get so much more space in these situations. BS's miss things simply because the OPeople show up.

I wish I could go with you to this thing, to show her that she does not have the power to seperate you from the family that you love and the people that love you back.

It is totally unfair that AP's are given this power, to ward off BS's out of places that were the BS's to begin with.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Sep 2012
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I could not be in the same room as wifetress. I am afraid I would try to strangle her again.

And I agree with you, a small party at someone's house where you have to sit in a small room with her and make nice is out of the question. A large event like a wedding where you can sit on the other side of the banquet hall might be doable.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17632 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
click4it
Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Ex-h called me back and left me a message. He said he will not be going to the bridal shower, but as for the wedding, we'll have to talk about that.

thanks jerkwad. sorry that just naturally comes out.

Ok, so I kinda figured he wasn't going, and I asked if his wife and sister were going, but I'm going to assume he meant she is not going either.


Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25554 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, September 20th (Friday)

but I'm going to assume he meant she is not going either.


I would assume nothing. You should probably ask or not go. Otherwise, you could walk into the house and boom, she's right there.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Sep 2012
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, September 20th (Friday)

Ok, so I kinda figured he wasn't going, and I asked if his wife and sister were going, but I'm going to assume he meant she is not going either.
I wouldn't assume anything.
Typically, men don't go to bridal showers, women do.
So there is a good chance that the OWife and sister will be there.

If you don't want to go, politely decline. Send a gift and an invite out to lunch/dinner at a later date.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6443 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, September 20th (Friday)

My ex did not end up marrying the OW but I doubt I could be in the same room as him. For me that would be like pouring alcohol into a wound that is not yet healed.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, September 21st (Saturday)

I don't speak to any of "his" family because they are all feckin cheaters themselves and have always treated me and my (our) children like less than. So this is not something I will face in the future. I think you need to stay true to YOU. If this is not something you can handle right now, listen to your heart and decline. Choose you, Lord knows our WS and their APs sure do!!

I have thought about other events dealing with our children and I can only say that if he ever considers bringing his ugly skank to an event for one of our children he'd better bring back up.

My family is already bat shit crazy and doesn't need one more reason to confront him head on. He won't enjoy that confrontation, either.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3585 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

I would not attend the shower but would go to the wedding for the reasons you stated.

It doesn't matter how much time passes. I wouldn't subject myself to it unless I absolutely had to.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5559 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
click4it
Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)

I ended up going and she was not there.

I had a good time.

I have to admit everytime I heard the doorbell ring, my heart raced a bit, thinking it *might* be her.

Now to deal with the upcoming wedding....


Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25554 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
Topic Posts: 24