SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: The Wedding Ring
losingmyground
Member
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I did not wear my wedding ring for over a year. It sat in my jewelry box. It did not mean anything to me once the affair was discovered.

Just a week ago we attended a wedding of my friends. I chose to put it back on without saying anything to my husband.

He has been a model remorseful spouse and I have not seen any contact between him and his MOW nor any other women.

Sitting there waiting for the vows, he noticed when he grabbed my hand. And whispered into my ear....thank you. After the vows were spoken with him wiping a few tears from my eyes, he stated that we should renew our vows.

It has finally come full circle. I have forgiven him and we look forward to our future finally. So it can be done. It is a rough road full of tears, anger and last of all hope.

Just thought I would share.

On another note...just got an email for MOW's BH. They are separating. I am sad for him as he has worked so hard to keep the marriage intact.


Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

(((losingmyground)))
I am so happy for you!
I hope the OW keeps her distance from him. What did the BS say when he emailed? Is she still crazy and remorseful enough to try contacting your spouse??
On the vow renewal side when is your Anniversary?? Is it this year?
Good luck..


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
losingmyground
Member
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I am so happy for you!

Thank you...even my best friend, our second that night who divorced due to infidelity, says it is a good thing.

I hope the OW keeps her distance from him.

For her sake...I hope she does. I have threats to make good on, should she ever contact him again.

What did the BS say when he emailed?

"I think we are separating". I wrote that I am sorry to hear that because I know how much he truly wanted to make the marriage work after multiple affairs. I haven't heard back yet.

Is she still crazy and remorseful enough to try contacting your spouse??

No...I scared the crap out of her. I called her out and no one had done that before. Let her know that I have all her videos and pics.

On the vow renewal side when is your Anniversary?? Is it this year?

Yep. Dec 19th. And it will be the 15 yr mark.
Good luck..


Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
scream
Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Teach and I were just talking about this. She took her bands off after and going on a year now. She was a little upset that I haven't talked about them since. Truth is I want her to have new bands and start over...with new vows and a renewal of just the two of us.

Posts: 290 | Registered: Aug 2012
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

That's really awesome. So happy for you. A beautiful way to wrap up the healing with a nice bow. Wishing you both continued healing and happiness.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 710 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
losingmyground
Member
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

scream....I suggest your propose all over with new rings. That is what my heart was set on.

There will be new simple gold bands when we do renew!!!


Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Thank you for posting this. I haven't worn mine in over a year and just don't know when is the right moment to put them back. Not feeling it yet.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
losingmyground
Member
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

You will know when the right time is. I promise!!!!


Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
scream
Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Kind of the way I was feeling. Teach will know when she is ready. I hate that she felt like she couldn't wear them anymore but I understand why. I hope someday she will be ready for rings. And a new sign and strength of my commitment. Either that or she will tattoo her name across my face

Posts: 290 | Registered: Aug 2012
3kids30years
Member
Member # 38879
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Either that or she will tattoo her name across my face

or maybe a little lower?

I don't wear my rings, not sure when I will feel comfortable wearing them again.

He bought a new wedding band after DDay (his was "lost" a few years ago)- wears it all the time now. Not sure why - being married didn't mean anything to him. Obviously.

A ring doesn't make you married, it's just a reminder.


BS - mid 50's
WH - mid 50's
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
TT until 9/02/13
NC broken 4/15/14
2year+ "passionate" EA/PA

Married 30+ years and here I am. Heartbroken.
4/14 Trying to make it thru each day
9/14 - getting better. we


Posts: 217 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

It took me a long time to wear a ring again. Crazz exchanged the other set for a new one, and "reproposed" to me when we moved.

Some days I still struggle to wear it and there is some sadness, but Crazz has been very understanding.

He never takes his ring off (new one, too) but he never too the old one off and so we had to get rid of it because of what it had touched, if you catch my drift.

It's a very personal decision, and there's no right answer. You just have to do what feels right to you.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17838 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
fireguy87
Member
Member # 36992
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I took of my wedding ring when she left to be with OM. 4 mos later when we reunited, she asked if I was going to put it back on? I told her no. It was a symbol of broken vows/promises and it has no meaning to me. She didn't fight me (she couldn't as right after she left she took her diamond engagement ring and had it made into another piece of jewelry (that hurt)).

My Christmas present that year was a brand new ring (I had already gotten her a new one). In addition she surprised me at Church on Christmas, she had arranged with our Pastor to renew our vows. Haven't taken it off since.

[This message edited by fireguy87 at 7:03 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


Me - FBH
Happened many years ago
Reconciled

Posts: 51 | Registered: Sep 2012
tryingmybest2011
Member
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, September 20th (Friday)

Either that or she will tattoo her name across my face

My WH has my name tattooed on his chest. Didn't make a difference to him or his OWs, unfortunately.

About rings - I haven't worn my original set since DD. I bought myself a really thin gold band, because I wanted one while pregnant. I asked for new rings - has hell frozen over yet?


BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.


Posts: 323 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
FR2012
Member
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, September 21st (Saturday)

I am FWS, so I hope it's okay that I post.

My husband didn't wear his wedding ring after D-Day. He did have it with him all the time though, he wore it on his necklace. He put it back in just before our wedding anniversary in October when we got them resized.

He has recently told me that he doesn't like our rings anymore.

I have a plan for our 5th wedding anniversary. I want to get new rings, propose to him and renew our vows.

We are doing good in our healing. Although sometimes it is hard but I think we are on the right track.


BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
niaveone
Member
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

WS's wedding band hasn't fit in years. Too small. A few months ago, out of the blue, he took it out of the jewelry box and got it resized. He wears it all the time now, not having worn it in over 10 years. At the time, I thought it was sweet. Now I just don't have any feelings about it either way.

Edited to add:

I took my set off for about a week. I wore it to show the MOW that I was in this, regardless what she wished for.

[This message edited by niaveone at 5:14 PM, September 21st (Saturday)]


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 17 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 251 | Registered: Aug 2013
hpv50
Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

My 19th anniversary was right after D-day, and I took my ring off in disgust. I re-read my vows and recounted all the ones he'd broken. And he'd taken his ring off during his latest EA, although he says it was a coincidence.

I never mentioned taking mine off, and either WH hasn't noticed or hasn't mentioned it (his is back on). I feel nothing but disgust each time I look at it, so who knows what I'll do. Maybe I'll change my mind next year, or maybe I'll have it made into a nose ring. :) We have a long way to go.


Me: BS - 50; Him: WH - 51, vulnerable NPD
married 19 years, 3 kids
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13 (gaslighting begins)
DD3 6/30/13 (admits EA)
DD4 7/7/13 admits "trying to date other women" for 3 years

Posts: 177 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: DC
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

LMG - so happy for you. Gives me hope that some day, I will wear mine again.

30Y3K - same here. SAWH had lost COUNTLESS rings over the 2.5 year period when he was having an affair. Seems to have kept this latest one on since. I, on the other hand, haven't worn mine since 5 days after DD in March when I had a consult with a divorce lawyer. He said something like "You aren't going to wear that beautiful ring I bought you?" It is a beautiful ring and when we were engaged, all of my friends drooled over it. But it just shows all of us that material things don't matter - it's actions and quality of character that matter most.

By the way, I read that the U of AZ did a study on sex addicts and what resonates with them - a tough love or nurturing approach. Tough love seems to yield better results. And one of the things they mention is for the spouse to not wear their ring.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

That's a really nice thing to read lmg. Good for you guys.

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2444 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 18