User Topic: Really Screwed up tonight
Running the Race
Member # 19755
Default  Posted: 1:56 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

My EXW came to get the kids. We started talking.
I should tell you Iíve had a rough couple of days, my work has called me in twice and I think Iíve averaged about 4 hours sleep the last two nights. I had to take the kids to school this morning, then headed back to work.
So I tired, on top of that, while fixing our home computer this weekend (my youngest broke it), I came across photos of us (digital). It was difficult to view, and took me some time to turn away.
So now you have my mind set (not to mention the typical struggle of being in the early stages of divorce), so back to my story;
My EXW comes in and we talk, somehow we both end up close, I initiate a hug, then a kiss. She pulls back. Now believe it or not, Iím not trying to win her back, but my emotions have me feeling unloved, undeserving, lost, and maybe somewhat like a loser. I told her I was sorry and that I know we are done, and she confirmed we are done.
I guess this entire episode confuses me and makes me angry. Angry at myself (she really didnít do anything wrong). I allowed myself to feel rejected again. Now I question, am I getting over her? If she asked to come back, would I have the strength to say no? And am I really this lonely?
I feel a bit embarrassed and ashamed of myself tonight. I also feel lost. I feel I donít know who I am. I feel she is stronger, and in some weird stupid game (that Iíve made up in my head), she has an upper-hand now. I donít know, Iím posting this out of confusion. I also feel Iím questioning why I do things? Am I in a new church right now, running, etc., just to get her attention? Deep down inside I keep telling myself I want to be indifferent, completely removed from her and her life. But I donít think Iím even close to that, maybe even farther than I thought.
Please feel free to share a story if any of you screwed up during your "moving on phase".

[This message edited by Running the Race at 2:04 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]

BS-Me (38)
3 Kids-
2009-She wants divorce
2009-2012 trying to R
2012-she wants a divorce again
2012-we are divorced
2013- trying MC to work it out, she does show some remorse, but I can't trust here anymore
2013- she moved out,

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: California
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I have read quite a few stories here in the S/D forum which are similar to yours. I think it's pretty common to experience what you experienced tonight.

Think of your love & marriage like a bonfire. It's not going to be extinguished all at once. It will take time. A lot of time. And even when it looks to be out, if you kick some of the logs you'll find glowing embers which will flare up momentarily due to the increased oxygen. But that's all it is. A flare up. It will die down again. It doesn't mean the bonfire is going to fully ignite again. The logs have been burned. The fuel has been consumed. It's dying.

You are human. You can't just flip a switch and turn your emotions off. You're not going to get through this process without making some major mistakes. None of us do.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9828 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:52 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

Yes. 8 weeks after S I embarked on a 3m False R. It was a terrible decision. My head knew it but my strong desire to not have to deal with any led to me fooling myself the most.

I thought rugsweeping would fix it. It didn't.

I thought if I could just be in his arms we could fix it. It didn't.

I understand what you are feeling friend. I understand the reaching out even though you know you can't ever be with them again.

Once I saw him I could not unsee him. I so wanted to unsee all of it.

I was forever changed by this - I didn't want to be but I was. As was our relationship. The rose-coloured glasses were obliterated. That they needed to be smashed didn't make it hurt any less.

As it turns out I've changed in some good, essential ways too.

It won't always hurt this bad. Old, toxic habits are hard to break but well worth it.

((RTR)) You're going to be OK. Be gentle with yourself. Put this incident behind you and look forward, always forward. There's a great future out there waiting for you - one day you'll reach out for it.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, September 19th (Thursday)


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17558 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Member # 40393
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I struggle with this all the time. There are good memories - holidays, vacations, babies, etc. For me, I have to realize the pain of staying in the unhappy, untrusting, disrespectful marriage that it has become, is GREATER than the pain of leaving the marriage.

Me: 50
WH: 50 pro cake-eater, NPD, SA
Married 33 years
D-Days 3-4-12, 8-19-12 (EA, probably PA)porn,ashleymadison, etc, etc
4 sons, 3 daughters
8 grandkids
Divorcing - finally

Posts: 120 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Utah
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, September 19th (Thursday)


Please don't beat yourself up. You were tired, stressed, and then seeing the pics brought back memories. For years she was the one you hugged when you were down. She was your other half. You faced the world together, with all it's struggles and joys. There is no 1-2-3 way to switch those memories and emotions off. I tried. It didn't work. Take a deep breath, dust yourself off, and keep looking forward. It will get easier. Sending you strength.

Posts: 35929 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I totally get you. For the first few weeks of our separation, we would hug and kiss each time we saw each other, and I even tried a booty call - which she rejected. For a while after that we still hugged. Once in a while she still falls into my arms to cry about something or other.

I know I shouldn't let it happen, but the contact just feels so good. I even went into the champagne room at a strip bar a few nights, and paid to be able to cuddle for a while.

It does get better. Six months out, I'm still struggling, but it's WAY better. You'll get there, friend.

Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous

Posts: 2111 | Registered: Jan 2013
Running the Race
Member # 19755
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

Thanks for all the replies, the only thing I concentrated on was sleeping in this morning...

BS-Me (38)
3 Kids-
2009-She wants divorce
2009-2012 trying to R
2012-she wants a divorce again
2012-we are divorced
2013- trying MC to work it out, she does show some remorse, but I can't trust here anymore
2013- she moved out,

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: California
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

God, I'm so sorry.
All of this crap really sucks.
I hate that I lost my best friend. I hate that he did these awful things, and is still doing them to me.
I made up my mind weeks ago to go through with D, but it still hurts.
You cannot just turn the switch from on to off. Doesn't work like that.
Yesterday, had a funny conversation. Went to call my H, and realized, damn, can't do that no more.
Means I'm in a better place if I was happy enough to want to share, but it also means that when the reality breaks through, I'm left a little shellshocked that all of this stuff actually happened to me and it wasn't a bad dream.
One day at a time, one hour at a time sometimes. Get more sleep.
You are not unlovable. One day a really great lady is gonna want you so bad. But first you must heal and become strong and love yourself again.
Again, I'm so sorry you are here because of an A.

I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2335 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, September 19th (Thursday)


Please don't be too hard on yourself. Someone much wiser than me posted on here somewhere:

The desire to reach out is compulsion and habit, not love. He's been wired into your life, it takes time to rewire him out.

This helped me a lot. It's the same for you and your EW. Be gentle with yourself. Allow time for those old connections to fade away.

Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin

Posts: 919 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

This was a struggle I had for a long time before I knew he was fooling around with women on me. We were separated because "we couldn't get along", which was really his way of saying he wanted to try out other women and was working on OW.

I remember having these really strong urges just to touch him again or just stare at him like when I was a teenager. What I noticed about myself was that the emotions used to be so strong that I could not think rationally and would be running on auto pilot, reacting to life and words by the old instinct was to reach out to him, but mostly I managed to stop it.

I guess the gyst of my thought to you is that it seems like instinct sometimes and these emotions are very raw and primal that we have. The universe has been turned completly upside-down as well and sometimes we need verification that a really difficult thing is indeed, truely happening.

Also, there is a kind of loneliness that is unlike nothing else on the planet in being a BS and for me, a loss of validation as a person, even though it's the WS that did the hurting. Maybe you were feeling something like that and simply wanted a chance at some familiar feeling like a hug, but went on auto pilot in the midst of deep emotion.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 8:22 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]

Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2291 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

You didn't screw up, you just acted without thinking. Your confusion and anger are growing pains. I've found that before anytime I make real progress emotionally, I have a very difficult, tearful, uncertain night. This is definitely a 'two steps forward, one step back' kind of journey. Be gentle with yourself on the backwards steps as long as you are making overall progress.

Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 1866 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Running the Race
Member # 19755
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Thanks again for the further responses. I did see her tonight, just for the kids to be exchanged. I kind of ignored her, I just didn't feel like talking or anything. The kids walked into her place, and I kind of turned around and walked away. Maybe nopolite ksg polite person, but I didn't make the same mistake.

BS-Me (38)
3 Kids-
2009-She wants divorce
2009-2012 trying to R
2012-she wants a divorce again
2012-we are divorced
2013- trying MC to work it out, she does show some remorse, but I can't trust here anymore
2013- she moved out,

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: California
Topic Posts: 13