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User Topic: Please! male opinions wanted!!!
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

So I've tried this before for answers... I'm going to try again

is it normal that a guy looks at a girl thinks she's hot and thinks "man I would like to fuck her"?

Is it normal for an instant visual image to pop in his head about this? He tries to stop but I don't really see any progress being made.

Am I being harsh, am I being stupid? I don't want to be a dominant bitch wife but I really hate it. He hasn't seen his IC for a while (been really busy) so I'm hoping to get him booked in, in the next month. I would like some progress in my mind about this!!!

IF this is normal PLEASE tell me!!!

*fingers crossed*


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

These questions were the topic of a discussion..argument..between us several months ago.

According to my WH..yes..it's normal..all men do it..Im ridiculous. It is normal for a guy to see a woman and, if attracted in *any* way to her,think about her in a sexual way,wonder what she looks like naked,and thinks "I'd like to fuck her."

My WH had,at the time,some shitty thought processes. There's been a turnaround in the last few months,though. I wonder,if I asked him those questions again,would his answers be the same? Im kinda scared to ask..you know?

I can honestly say I have never seen an attractive man and immediately started thinking about fucking him. Ever. Im not blind,or dead. I notice. But in a way that is more,"he's really nice looking," and then I go about my day.

I love my husband,and Im very attracted to him. In the entire time we have been together,I have never thought of another man in a sexual manner. Not one time.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7281 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Heath
Member
Member # 28992
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

Hi Lauren.

Some guys have poor self control and will continue to look and then build some kind of fantasy around it. I work in the building trade and it is pretty pathetic to see some men staring at a beautiful woman and then talk about her for the next twenty minutes.
But there is the biological reaction that most men will have when they see a beautiful woman. If she has a pretty face it may not be sexual, but if she has a good figure then most of the time there will be sexual attraction. That is only initially though. With a good amount of self control it will only be a passing thought, over in an instant.
When I was married I made a strong point of what's called 'bouncing the eyes'. Meaning, looking once, but then bouncing back and not taking that second look. Seeing an attractive woman down the street can't be helped, but from then on we have a choice to continue or to focus our minds on something else.


"It's only after we've lost everything that we are free to do anything'.

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Grilla
New Member
Member # 40299
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I'd say this is different from man to man. Overall, if a man is satisfied(drained in the bedroom) he's less likely to look at attractive women and have these thoughts. It really is this simple for me.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Virginia
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

<<<<I was typing this response at the same time the above posters were typing, so I agree with them, and think they are "quality" men.>>>>


I think if you go to the thread on I can relate...there is a section for men who have been betrayed. You might want to ask this question over there...Here is my reasoning,,,,


The guys in that section seem like quality men. They loved their wives, they never strayed, they loved being Dads, husbands and having a family unit.

If those guys say, Yes, men always look at women sexually, then I'd tend to believe them.

I think the guys I have been friends before I got married with are not "quality", so they were always looked to get laid.

Now,,, last thought here,,, my best friends husband started taking adderall and then it led him into blurred boundaries. He started looking at porn. alot. He told my friend that for the first time in his life, when he for instance saw a woman in line at the bank, all he could think about was what he wanted to do to her sexually. He said he had never been like that before. He got off the adderall, got off of porn, and he says he's back to himself.

Also, if your WH says every guy is like that, to me it's kinda like my 1st husband -- alcoholic. If I asked him about drinking he told me that every guy has a drink now and then and thinks/talks about drinking. Well,, that's because that's the only people my 1st husband talked to. If he was having a conversation with a guy who was, say, conservative, didn't drink, had depth, my 1st husband would probably walk away from the dude, and tell himself "that guy is wierd"! So, who does your WH have conversations with?

Anyway, hope my rambling helped a little.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 5:57 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2033 | Registered: Jan 2012
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

From what my XH and XSO told me about their thought processes. It doesn't happen ALL the time, but ALOT of the time.
I don't think ALL men are that way, I know the ones I picked are broken, maybe only the broken ones think this way?

Either way it sucks to wonder if the male half of the population is judging me being f•ck worthy before the even meet me!

I hope it's only the broken SA ones that think this way!


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4999 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I don't know if it is normal for all men but it is normal for me. I will notice and assess most if not all women I come in contact with. I always have and probably always will.

What is important is what happens next. If the thoughts linger for more than 2-3 seconds then I consider it an obsession. I mentally set up boundaries, no physical or verbal contact. If possible I remove myself from the situation. If I find my mind going back to someone specific after removing myself then I tell broevil about it. The honesty destroys any sort of obsession.

She is learning to do that same.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2553 | Registered: Aug 2012
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I know you want male opinions and I'm sure you will get them, but I am going to share the perspectives of my XH and my current H, and of a guy I was once engaged to.

I believe that some men think this way about any woman they are slightly attracted to, and because they are that way, they believe "all men" are that way. My XH was one who thought that way, and he thought women were mostly the same way (think about wanting to F*ck most any guy they might be slightly attracted to). When I told him that I am not like that, I believe he actually thought there was something WRONG with ME!

My current H of 18 years absolutely does NOT think that way so not all men think that way. We have talked about it and he assures me he has never thought that way (and I've never seen a sign in 18 years that he thinks that way) when in a committed relationship.

Even though my current H got involved with somebody else during a horrible time period of our M, it was was more about ego stroking and avoiding the pressures of life than it was about sex, and in fact he never did have sex with her during our M even though she wanted it.

I was engaged to a guy in between marriages. Even though I had my reasons for breaking it off, there is no way in hell he looked at other women that way. He had eyes only for me during the time we were together. Being married to my XH, you could see it in the way he acted on a regular basis, in addition to the things he said. I know he was "that way" but it made it even worse because he believed all men are that way.

And I'm going to say this in spite of the fact I expect some will disagree: For you men that are going to respond here, and say yes, "all men think that way" I want you to consider that maybe just some men think that way, and because you are one of them does NOT mean all men think that way.

I say this because threads like this have been on here before, and sometimes, even faithful men who are the BS, who "don't act on" these impulses, seem to believe that because they have these impulses, all normal men do also.

There is no "normal" for this. All people are different. Some men think that way, and react that way to attractive women, and some don't. I know I am a female but I don't think that makes my opinion less valid because a male can only give his own perspective, not the perspective of all other men.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 6:08 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]


Posts: 5715 | Registered: Apr 2006
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

Also, not male but wanted to chime in. My H does not. We'll be out and I'll see a beautiful woman and I'll say to him, "Isn't she just beautiful?" and he'll answer, "I didn't notice" or "She's okay." Maybe he's bullshitting me but I don't notice him checking out other women, ever.

Also, slightly on a tangent but this:

He hasn't seen his IC for a while (been really busy) so I'm hoping to get him booked in, in the next month.
concerns me.

He needs to be in charge of his own healing, his own work. Why are YOU trying to get him in with his IC? He needs to be doing that, IMO.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37167 | Registered: Sep 2007
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

@Grilla...so are you saying if the wife doesn't satisfy her husband in the bedroom..he will have these thoughts?

Yeah..I disagree.

My husband is more than satisfied....thankyouverymuch.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7281 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I think there is a misconception that "She looks hot" or even "She looks like she'd be a lot of fun naked" carries some kind of elaborate fantasy construct with it when the reality is that, at least in the instances those thoughts wander through the byzantine stupidity that is my own head, it doesn't bother to even go there. Like "I wonder what she looks like naked" isn't a direct translation to actually imagining said person naked.

If your H is constructing fantasies about fucking other women then, I dunno. Not something I do. If it upsets you then it upsets you and at the very least he should be understanding of that.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7419 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

It varies from individual to individual.

I would say that for me, I notice women--I look for a second at their overall appearance, but not often is it sexual. It might have been 20 years ago(I didn't put much thought into it them), but I don't look at every woman with a "sex factor".

I do notice if the woman fits my idea of attractive, but that is it...a split second assessment. I always thought it rude and out of bounds to stare and wildly obsess---even if momentarily---because that shows a lack of respect.

But in all fairness, I do consider myself a prude.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Grilla
New Member
Member # 40299
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

Confused615, I'm giving my honest opinion about how I feel and behave. And I believe this to be true for most men. I think women want a long drawn out psycoengineered answer.
The best mime in the world is the one that shows one switch for men labeled "on/off"
Under the woman there are dials switches lights and buzzers.
For me I can control myself much easier if my wife does what I need her to do. It's all very simple.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Virginia
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

My husband says the same thing that most of the guys on here are saying.

He said he notices women, the naked thing etc... He said it is fleeting. 2-3 seconds.

I never notice my WH ogling women or checking them out either. I don't think a man needs to do that for this 'thought' to happen.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1440 | Registered: Jun 2012
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I with those who say it depends on the circumstance. I think its only natural when a nice looking woman passes your way to look. Its an appreciation of the beauty. And what looks good to me may not be appealing to another. Yet when a woman walks around with a "Come fuck me" look its natural as well to think about having sex with her. Lets face it here. Some women like the attention that they get when they throw out the sex vibe. They will wear skimpy clothes, enhance their boobs etc. Its all in the packaging IMHO. But there is a big difference between a passing lustful moment and a person who obsesses over it. And there is a big difference in the way you articulate that lust. I may be thinking about having sex with her. But some guys actually have to come out with verbal comments of their intention. And if I'm in the company of a woman I would not even give it a thought. That's just rude and shows bad manners. And if your with a guy who constantly leers and makes comments about other women, well that's just downright disrespectful. And if he is so disrespectful in public you can imagine how bad his disrespect will be at home. If I had a daughter I would tell her to run fast from guys like that.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5595 | Registered: Nov 2007
HereWeGo62
Member
Member # 34766
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I believe it is different from man to man also.

Sometimes when I see a woman that is attractive I may say to myself "that is a beautiful woman." I usually don't think of it in a sexual way because the beauty I notice is not always appearance. Sometimes it's the way she carries herself, the way she acts around her family,the way she has aged gracefully, etc.

I am not gonna lie and say I have never had any other thoughts, but for me it's not the norm.

There was a time shortly after Dday that I looked at women differently and my thoughts were pretty negative. Not real proud of those thoughts but my marriage fun meter was completley pegged at that time.

So to summarize, I know guys that think and say crude things when they see an attractive woman, and guys that don't. I think it has to do with self imposed mental boundaries that some men have that keep their thoughts grounded. I would not feel to special if my wife gawked and fantasized about other men, George Clooney would be the only exception... she can't help it.


If there is reincarnation I hope OM comes back as a low water flush truck stop toilet!

Posts: 306 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Tx
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I just want to add a female perspective: there is no way I could be attracted to someone I didn't know emotionally. George Clooney could walk by and I would say, "meh."


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4706 | Registered: Dec 2010
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

Yeah, I'm going to echo what StillGoing said up there and say that it's not really an elaborate fantasy or anything of that nature. I notice attractive women...I notice their face, their body, their curves...but it's pretty much over by the time they're out of my vision. It's nothing as tangible and straightforward as seeing someone attractive and then instantly trying to picture them with their clothes missing...at least not for me.

ETA:
I have noticed, to some degree anyway, the phenomenon that Grilla is talking about....if my wife and I have recently had sex, or if I feel really close to her at the moment (because of sex and/or anything else), then it seems my eyes are less 'active', I think, meaning I notice fewer attractive women during the normal course of my day. However, two things: 1) My 'noticing' doesn't go above the baseline; meaning that whether we haven't had sex in 2 weeks or two months, it's still only an 'in-passing' type of thing, it doesn't ever get to anything more involved, mentally. 2) I am in no way saying that it's my wife job to keep me sexually satisfied in order to keep me from looking. I control my own eyes and urges.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 8:27 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 2006 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

From a female perspective, I can honestly say I am very comfortable observing men, and noting the ones that are attractive, again it's just a few secondsn and doesn't devolve into "I want sex with him".
However in my life there have been 2 men that I have found so incredibly attractive that I have thought about what sex with them would be like.....NOT that I would act on it, but I think when ther right person hits the right person just right something clicks.

I mean come on this all has to do with how we are made, and all to just propigate the species.

But if your H is doing it a lot, and has some SA tendencies this needs to be dealt with, and honestly if every woman he sees that is attractive he's spiralling into that thought process it's not ok.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8100 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I'm glad tushnurse said it, because I'm the same way. I definitely notice attractive men. And have fleeting thoughts. If there is someone I'm particularly attracted to, however, I try to minimize my time around that person. Because slippery slope and all that. But for me it's somewhat normal to see someone attractive and have a sexual thought. And I'm not sure if that's bad, but I'm just being honest. And I realize I'm not a dude.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6649 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
coldheart34
New Member
Member # 40569
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I think its normal...well abnormally normal but i have several guy friends and male co-worker friends and they do this all the time. Truthfully I am the same way. I see an attractive guy and think I wonder what he looks like naked, etc. And I do it now more than ever that I am a BS.


Me (BS)-34
WH-37
DDAY 1: 2/2013
DDAY 2:(FB instant message from OW)8/17/2013
kids- DD 2, DD 6 mos
Attempting to R

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

1. All men do not think alike.
2. You can't control the thoughts of another.
3. There is nothing wrong with sexual fantasies. The problem occurs if you act on fantasies in a way that betrays your spouse.

Your H should feel safe discussing any topic with you without being judged. This is called emotional intimacy. If you try to control his thoughts (or become upset by them) your relationship will struggle.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 9:38 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Posts: 5631 | Registered: Aug 2007
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

Yet when a woman walks around with a "Come fuck me" look its natural as well to think about having sex with her. Lets face it here. Some women like the attention that they get when they throw out the sex vibe. They will wear skimpy clothes, enhance their boobs etc.
I get what you are saying here, and some probably won't believe this, but this is a turn off to my H! He always comments to me if he thinks a waitress is bending over trying to get her cleavage close to him, or whatever; he thinks she is trying to increase her tips. He knows it "works" with most men, just because he is around a lot of men and sees and hears their reactions. He does not like it when women use their bodies to promote sales, or to try to increase their tips or whatever. And after being with him for 18 years, I can say with certainly this is not a turn on to him. He also can look at women and note they are cute, attractive, or whatever but he still does not think of them "that way." He thinks of me "that way" and cannot keep his hands off me, to this day. Tells me I look like a model and goes on and on about my "perfect" body. I'm 54. And far from perfect, but let me tell you, he has a a way of making me believe that to him, at least, I am.

And my XH was the complete opposite. At age 26, I weighed 108 lbs, was actually on the border of being underweight, and he told me I still had a "pod gut." And he gawked at women and sometimes would just come right out and say "I'd like to F*ck that."

He wasn't kidding, that is for sure.


Posts: 5715 | Registered: Apr 2006
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

It's normal.
VERY normal.

Any man that says otherwise is, shall we say, not telling the truth or he's dead.


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 454 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

Any man that says otherwise is, shall we say, not telling the truth or he's dead.

How do you know? Can you see in the minds of all men besides yourself, to know they are either lying or dead?

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 9:13 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]


Posts: 5715 | Registered: Apr 2006
Grilla
New Member
Member # 40299
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I have to agree with To many regrets,
All men have these thoughts. It's wanting to act on them that becomes the problem. I was just listening to my boss this morning about wreck his truck while talking to me on the phone. He said " my GOD i just passed this gorgous woman jogging i would love to take that around the block! My wife hasn't helped me out in over a month! " then he realized what he said and told me he was just talking. That he loved his wife so much.
I work on a construction site with men that talk trash about women they see all day long, but not one of them has admitted to having an affair on their wives. Men are awful in this respect, I know. My opinion is that your husband is asking for help...if you get what I'm saying Coldheart34...

Posts: 37 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Virginia
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

Toomanyregrets:
Another male here said:
I would say that for me, I notice women--I look for a second at their overall appearance, but not often is it sexual. It might have been 20 years ago(I didn't put much thought into it them), but I don't look at every woman with a "sex factor".
So men that say this are either lying or dead? Right? And obviously my own husband is either lying or dead, also.

Posts: 5715 | Registered: Apr 2006
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I've had different men tell me different things on this. My ex said that any man who denies this is lying. I had a really hard time accepting it, and I didn't feel close to him because I was always wondering if he was fantasizing about the waitress or whatever. I never had proof he was unfairhful though. My current guy says that he never does this. He even says that he never thought of OW that way until he actually had sex with her.

There is no way to know what your man is thinking. And even if he doesn't think like that, he could still have an A. And if he does think like that, he could make the decision to not have an A.

Regardless, I do not believe that it is my responsibility to keep him pleased so that he will be faithful to me. I used to believe that, and had so much sex with him before he went out of the country for a trip. I wanted him to be sexually exhausted. But you know what? He still had a ONS during that trip. Nothing I do will control his actions. He either loves and respects me enough to not do it, or he doesn't.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1112 | Registered: Jul 2013
Whalers11
Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I think it's normal.

As a female, I notice attractive men and have had thoughts about what they look like nakes or what sex would be like with them. They are usually fleeting thoughts, and not something I think I would ever act upon.

I am okay with my man having "thoughts" as long as they are not obsessive or acted upon.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2211 | Registered: Feb 2010
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

Grilla, women/wives are not responsible for their men/husband's behavior or thoughts. Ever. Men possess agency and are in charge of themselves. Men have sexual thoughts. Women have sexual thoughts. Sexual thoughts are a biological instinct.

All adults are in charge of their own thought life. Everyone on this website is responsible for their own behavior. No one should be abdicating their self-control to another person.

It is just as offensive to me to read bullshit about the wife just needing to do her duty so her husband won't stray as it is to read bullshit about how a man just needs to provide a paycheck in order to keep his wife happy. Lots of BW in here will attest that they regularly fucked their WH or were begging their WH for sex, just as lots of BH here will attest that they brought home a big fat paycheck & kept their WW in the lap of relative luxury.

No one is responsible for another's actions. Not in the way you're stating.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9480 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

Any man that says otherwise is, shall we say, not telling the truth or he's dead.

Well I am not a liar, so I must be dead. My survivors request that in lieu of flowers that donations be made to the Generalizations Suck Agency.


lauren123,

I cannot attest to what your H thinks and feels. I can only comment on how think and feel. I could make assumptions about what my coworkers think and feel based on their office behavior but to draw conclusions based solely on that isn't helpful.

This overall discussion really doesn't address the issue that you find your H's behavior/reaction to looking at women as unacceptable. This could truly be a slippery slope.

IMO his focus should be on you. When I was married I must have closed down looking at women to even notice they were attractive for when I got D'ed I was really surprise how many attractive women there are around. But did my mind go to picturing them naked or wanting to have sex with them. I agree with others who have stated that we are in control of our emotions and thoughts.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51853 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

My XH must be dead too, because he's not a liar and he says he doesn't do this. In fact, he is disgusted by the "man's man" stereotype of guy who does.

That's not to say he doesn't notice another woman's attractiveness. But according to him, in his mind it doesn't segue into picturing sex. And we don't have sex often so it's not a matter of him being "taken care of" in the bedroom...he just doesn't think that way.

Not "ALL men" do anything, nor do "ALL women."

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 10:44 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2090 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

Oh, boy! For those men who DO think like this, I have to ask if you feel you have the right to mentally rape us or if you had ever even looked at it that way?? Because rape is sex without consent, no??

This subject is a LARGE part of the reason I have become agoraphobic.


Posts: 11582 | Registered: Mar 2008
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 10:56 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

toomanyregrets...

Please keep the generalizations off this site.

Everyone else, please get back on topic.

Thanks!


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197065 | Registered: May 2002
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I don't think all men are lying or dead if they don't think this way. What goes on inside someone's head is their business.

When my wife was fucking someone else instead of me and I went without sex for around a year or so, I can say that the sexual appeal of other women was significantly increased. A woman who is actively showing off her physical attributes through careful application of makeup, clothing, shoes, perfume, etc is really hard to miss when she crosses your field of vision and you have been sleeping next to a woman who won't touch you.

So I can very easily see any man being in that position as Grilla said - that doesn't make it his wife's responsibility, no. It's his. That I chose to wait for a.. very long time, that was my choice and responsibility. If I had decided enough was enough and wanted to divorce her so I could go meet someone who didn't look at me with revulsion that was also my choice. The fact that we were not having sex at all was the focus of that particular issue, though.


Oh, boy! For those men who DO think like this, I have to ask if you feel you have the right to mentally rape us or if you had ever even looked at it that way?? Because rape is sex without consent, no??

At what point did this cross from internal thought process to the physical act of non-consensual sex?

[This message edited by StillGoing at 11:02 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7419 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

Thank you,Nature Girl. Exactly.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7281 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I want to respond to the OP first, so...
Am I being harsh, am I being stupid? I don't want to be a dominant bitch wife but I really hate it. He hasn't seen his IC for a while (been really busy) so I'm hoping to get him booked in, in the next month. I would like some progress in my mind about this!!!

I don't think you're being harsh or stupid...if this is an issue that makes you uncomfortable, I'd bring it up to your husband, or maybe even your IC or MC if you have one. That being said, I don't know if asking your husband to 100% completely not notice an attractive woman is a realistic expectation to have.

That being said, all men are NOT the same. Reading some of the posts on this thread, I'd say that I run similarly to Bobbi_Sue's husband. I notice classically pretty, understated women and can appreciate that in a detached sort of way. I don't get all "OMFG I NEED TO BE INSIDE THAT", even within the confines of my own brain....and women who seem like they're dressing provocatively in order to attract a specific kind of attention are a complete turn off to me, personally. That's not to say that they're wrong for dressing however they want, just that *I'm* not personally attracted to that sort of look and/or behavior.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 2006 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I just wanted to say how much I appreciate SI and the honestly of the people who post here.

It is nice to know that,while to an extent this is something a lot of men do..not all men think,as FacePunched put it, "OMFG I NEED TO BE INSIDE THAT."


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7281 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Grilla
New Member
Member # 40299
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

What I'm saying is based on my experience. My wife ignored my needs and had an affair. I stayed true to her and will continue to be so as long as we're married. All I'm trying to say is that when a man isn't pent up and sexually frustrated he can control himself much easier. It's true for me and a lot of other men I know. When I was going without it was much easier to be what some might call perverted. It is a husbands job/role to see to his wife's needs. It's also a wife's job/role to see to her husbands needs. It goes both ways. The OPs SO isn't going to have an affair simply because he has fantasies about strangers. My wife told me that she was led to have an affair because I wasn't fulfilling her needs. Is she lying? I agree it wasn't my fault, I didn't want her to do that, but I could've tried harder as a husband. That's all I'm saying. I think in today's society no one wants to take responsibility for their actions or lack of actions. Husbands take care of your wives. Love them and cherish them. Wives, take care of your husbands. Give them lovingly and willingly what they need. Just my thoughts.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Virginia
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I expect men to control themselves, whether they are getting some or not. Period. I don't know why we would hold anyone to a lesser standard.

Grilla, I am sorry you are here and have to join our club. But your wife didn't have an affair because you didn't meet her needs. She had an affair because she was entitled and selfish and she needs to figure out why. If she was unhappy and unfulfilled, why was her choice of dealing with that to launch a nuclear weapon at YOU, instead of looking inside herself. That is the work she needs to be doing.

The rest of this thread hurts my head. I will never believe "all men" anything. I have a great respect for the men in my life and while there is occasional banter I don't believe they ALL look at everyone woman and mentally want to fuck them. Period. That's insane to suggest they haven't evolved at.all.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6353 | Registered: Jan 2011
Stillkicking
Member
Member # 38246
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I didn't read through all the comments so I am sure it has been said but either way here is my 2 cents.

I think it is just human nature to look.
It is how the INDIVIDUAL processes an handles those thoughts that make the difference. I look at women, yes... "Fuck that chick is hot". But I don't dwell or imagine what it would be like for her and I to "duck into that back alley" for a quick fuck then go on our ways, what's the point?

Just my thoughts though


You'll never learn to fly
until your standing at the cliff

I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.


Posts: 128 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

All men do this to some extent. But most are not rude and disrespectful about it. As a man I get embarrassed when another guy spouts off about an attractive woman in public or leers at her. I'm like ..."Dude...really?"

But yes we do notice them. I'm sorry but what you need to understand is that men were created much differently then women. It's in our genes to procreate with as many women as possible from a survival point of view. It's what nature instilled in us. So yes we notice and think about sex with that woman, if she catches our attention. Men tend to be more black and white about things and can be stimulated visually (why would there be a porn industry then?!) whereas women tend to think in an emotional 3D kind of way. It isn't our fault, it's the way nature created us. And it's been there since the beginning of mankind. Worrying about it won't make it go away. But know that not all men leer and cheat. It's more of a immature and selfish trait he probably has. Think on this for a bit and it might enlighten you about how men and women are attracted to one another:

"Men will use a woman's emotions to get sex, whereas a woman use sex to get at a man's emotions."

It's the two different ways we think. Some women just realize this and try to use it to their advantage.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1457 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

"Men will use a woman's emotions to get sex, whereas a woman use sex to get at a man's emotions."
One way or another, isn't this still unhealthy? In this example, isn't that just manipulation by another name? I don't buy it.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 2006 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
RyeBread
Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

Well, I guess I should contribute since you asked for male opinions

I notice attractive women all the time. I don't obsess over them, but I notice. I am a visual person, thats just how I am. I won't be disrespectful about it or point it out to my partner. Nor will I talk about it for 20 minutes afterwards. I get annoyed with guys who have to draw it out by talking about it. I notice and move on.

There is so much more to an attractive woman than just looks too. Honest, caring, kind, respectful, secure in who she is, etc play a huge part. Like someone pointed out earlier, if she is going out of her way for attention it actually is a huge turnoff for me. Confidence is key ladies, just sayin


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
TrulySad
Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I hope it's ok that I chime in. My WBF actually wrote a post a couple of months ago (Wayward side), asking for help with this. He was extremely disappointed in the responses.

He admitted he looked at every female, and thought about them naked, sexually, etc. After being with me, and me forcing him to see how it made me feel... MANY hours of discussion, and trying to get him to imagine how it would feel to him, if I was seeing all men I saw in the same manner, he become disgusted with himself. He actually started saying things that indicated to me, he finally got it.

When he read the responses here (to his post in Wayward) he had to walk away. He pointed out that the men used the excuse that "it's just what men do" to justify it. He told me that yep, that was him before all this crap we've been going through. But no more.

The sad thing is he asked for help from people here, help with how to stop it. Instead, most people wanted to tell him it was ok.

Today, he looks at me and almost pleads with me to believe how much he feels it's wrong, and that now, he is doing whatever he can to avoid those thoughts. He sees a woman, turns his head away, and trys to push any innapproriate thoughts out. He says it's working. He says he's gone from an every chick occurance, to almost never now.

I don't think it's an easy task though. I think a man needs to WANT to view women respectfully, for them to not see them undressed. And as my WBF put it, just because other men do it and make it seem like it's normal, doesn't mean it's ok. Take a look around. THERE ARE A LOT OF MEN WHO CHEAT ON THEIR WIVES. Doesn't make it ok, or just something a guy does.

I think men need to wake up and accept that if their wife/gf could see inside their thoughts, would they be asshamed of them seeing how they are viewing other woman? If so, then it's wrong. Simple as that.

Just my 2 cents....


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 443 | Registered: Jun 2013
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Jesus, doesn't anyone just like sex anymore? You don't see this bullshit around chocolate and that's damn near a religion for some of us.

Shit, I look at hot women. I'm a woman and I look at women like that because some women are very beautiful to look at. I look at men differently because in order to have an attraction to them I have to know them. It's weird but true. Men can be very good looking but it's the flaws and personality that generates that "ooooooo" factor. Otherwise it's like David Beckham. Nice!!! Then he talks. God does have a wonderful sense of humor...or he constantly inhales helium, whatever.

Lauren, if he needs a neck brace and a bib it isn't about "normal" or genders. It's about respect and the lack of it.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

"Men will use a woman's emotions to get sex, whereas a woman use sex to get at a man's emotions."

Eh. I dunno, seems messing with my wifes emotions is a good way to NOT get laid that night.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7419 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Kierst13
Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Noticing attractive people is far from mentally fucking them. Why is expecting a spouse to control their thoughts so horrible? I don't care if my WS appreciates beauty but that doesn't mean the appreciation should go into mentally fucking the beauty.

It isn't a lot to ask for a spouse to appreciate a physique without then crossing a boundary into making it sexual. Contrary to popular belief we are capable of controlling our thoughts.

If I knew a man was looking at me and mentally fucking me; I would feel violated.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
hallelujah
Member
Member # 32283
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

"Men will use a woman's emotions to get sex, whereas a woman use sex to get at a man's emotions."

Totally disagree with your generalizations SeanFla. All human beings are emotional and sexual. I have never met a man yet who was totally sexual and didn't care about being loved, validated, cared for, appreciated. I have never met a woman who only cared about emotions and didn't appreciate a sexy male body (except for lesbians who were interested in female bodies). I think society stereotypes and limits us and it is really sad to be so boxed in.

My H has said to me that he notices and appreciates a beautiful woman, but I have not seen him leer or obsess. I often rein myself in when I get close to lusty boundaries. It is about respect for our partners and respect for all people we come across. My expectation is not that my H always keep his eyes and thoughst 100% pure as I know I would not be able to achieve such a goal either. My expectation is that he not turn his head to leer or take his thoughts that step further to obsess. In return, I also respectfully do the same.


Posts: 107 | Registered: May 2011
RyeBread
Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

TrulySad,

most people wanted to tell him it was ok.

Were you refering to this?

He admitted he looked at every female, and thought about them naked, sexually, etc.

Sounds like his obsession with sex may have tainted his thought process outside of respectful ones.

UO said it right here

if he needs a neck brace and a bib it isn't about "normal" or genders. It's about respect and the lack of it.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 12:11 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

SeanFLA...

I've already flagged this thread once for generalizing. Do not do it again.

Everyone else...once again...get back on topic and ignore the generalization comments.

Please.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:11 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197065 | Registered: May 2002
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

UO nailed it. basically, it can be a really pretty package, but I made vows to my wife. I have no interest on what's inside.

if all it takes is a pretty package, well enough said.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2686 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
TrulySad
Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

RyeBread, not at all. He had actually posted his own post here in SI, about two months ago. Thats when people responded with justifying the behavior, and telling him it was normal. He actually had one person tell him he was creepy for diverting his eyes, when seeing a female. As though it seemed crazy for him to avoid women like he was doing. All he was saying was he wanted to stop the way he viewed women. He was hoping he would get some insightful suggestions. It didn't pan out. And that's ok. He is doing what he can, and I HIGHLY respect him for that...whatever way it takes.


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 443 | Registered: Jun 2013
ionlytalkedtoher
Member
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

My husband once told me that yes men notice hot women and want to f them--they just do. I was shocked when he told me this. (newly married at the time.) I didn't realize he did this. But, he did say that its a matter of respect for the woman you are with. Just because men think it they aren't always gonna show it or act on impulses. I think most men understand not to cat call or just f random women. these are the quality men that someone said. But the other percentage sees hot women and throws all self control out the window.

I think for a lot of the women on here that say my H doesn't do this--I don't think that's true. I think they do and control their impulses and just aren't telling you.

Ohh and someone said about the adderall. well, up until my H took the adderall he didn't act on the impulses. But once he did take it that's when it became a lot harder for him to stop just looking. I found out side effects and blurred sexual boundaries are common.

I might notice attractive men. But as a woman, I can be attracted to aspects of the man. Such as a smile, eyes, voice, overall manliness--but i have never just like looked at a male butt and wanted to f it. only once when i was teenager did i ever have a random urge to just go over and have sex with a random guy--but i blame it on surging hormones of the teen years. i didn't act on it, of course.

[This message edited by ionlytalkedtoher at 12:30 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2013
RyeBread
Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

TrulySad,

Sounds like he recognized an issue for him and is doing the work to make that change. Very good for him, very respectible indeed.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

I work with what must be one of the most gorgeous men on this planet. Seriously. Not exaggerating. Do I notice he is pretty? Fuck yeah. Do I think about fucking him. Fuck no. I'd appreciate the same level of respect. Period.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6353 | Registered: Jan 2011
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Do I notice he is pretty? Fuck yeah. Do I think about fucking him. Fuck no. I'd appreciate the same level of respect. Period.

word!


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4706 | Registered: Dec 2010
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Im wondering..all the men who are saying this is normal...most of you are BH's..if not all of you. Im curious..if it was your WW who was out and about by herself one day,and came upon a gorgeous,young hot sexy man..and she not only noticed him..but started thinking about how he might look naked..and started imagining herself fucking him..and got all..um..excited...would this be ok with you?


I ask because most of the women responding on here are BW's..who have been cheated on..some of us know how "just looking" can lead to an affair.

ETA: I read the menz thread..I think the feelings one feels when betrayed are pretty much the same for men and women. I didn't mean to imply that none of you know what leads to an affair..of course you do..

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:40 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7281 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
RyeBread
Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

My husband once told me that yes men notice hot women and want to f them--they just do. I was shocked when he told me this. (newly married at the time.) I didn't realize he did this. But, he did say that its a matter of respect for the woman you are with. Just because men think it they aren't always gonna show it or act on impulses. I think most men understand not to cat call or just f random women. these are the quality men that someone said. But the other percentage sees hot women and throws all self control out the window.

ionlytalkedtoher,
No disrespect towards your husband but could it be that he is generalizing here is an attempt to minimize his own desrespect towards you?

He certainly doesn't speak for me or many of the other standup guys I know.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Stillkicking
Member
Member # 38246
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Im wondering..all the men who are saying this is normal...most of you are BH's..if not all of you. Im curious..if it was your WW who was out and about by herself one day,and came upon a gorgeous,young hot sexy man..and she not only noticed him..but started thinking about how he might look naked..and started imagining herself fucking him..and got all..um..excited...would this be ok with you?

The om in my wife's case was a fucking joke, skin and bones pimpley ass fuck, looks and fantasy about fucking had nothing to do with it. It was all an emotional assault.

We always have talked about other people's looks and before anything had happened between them we actual made fun of his appearance for a good half hour (shallow asshole I know). So no it doesn't bother me as long as she keeps her line in the sand.


You'll never learn to fly
until your standing at the cliff

I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.


Posts: 128 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
RyeBread
Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

if it was your WW who was out and about by herself one day,and came upon a gorgeous,young hot sexy man..and she not only noticed him..but started thinking about how he might look naked..and started imagining herself fucking him..and got all..um..excited...would this be ok with you?

She did do that. Thanks for reminding me.

Listen, some men do obsess, some don't. The majority of the men I know don't. The bad apples definitly spoil the bunch and I think lumping us all into a "drooling dog pack" is a little over the top.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Stillkicking
Member
Member # 38246
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Im wondering..all the men who are saying this is normal...most of you are BH's..if not all of you. Im curious..if it was your WW who was out and about by herself one day,and came upon a gorgeous,young hot sexy man..and she not only noticed him..but started thinking about how he might look naked..and started imagining herself fucking him..and got all..um..excited...would this be ok with you?

The om in my wife's case was a fucking joke, skin and bones pimpley ass fuck, looks and fantasy about fucking had nothing to do with it. It was all an emotional assault.

We always have talked about other people's looks and before anything had happened between them we actual made fun of his appearance for a good half hour (shallow asshole I know). So no it doesn't bother me as long as she keeps her line in the sand.


You'll never learn to fly
until your standing at the cliff

I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.


Posts: 128 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Im curious..if it was your WW who was out and about by herself one day,and came upon a gorgeous,young hot sexy man..and she not only noticed him..but started thinking about how he might look naked..and started imagining herself fucking him..and got all..um..excited...would this be ok with you?


I ask because most of the women responding on here are BW's..who have been cheated on..some of us know how "just looking" can lead to an affair.

At what point does "just looking" transcend to equate with some kind of ambiguous slippery slope that leads to mental rape and depraved sexual disrespect?

Because I look at a woman and think "Hey I bet she looks good naked" that gets wrapped up with extended fantasies and plotting out and participating in an affair?

You say you ask that because you have WH's who were "just looking" and entered an affair as if boundaries and intent were not the primary issue, but the fact that I am just looking at a woman when I have been faithful for 20 years at the age of 36. As well as be told I am mentally raping someone for viewing them as a living person with sexual appeal, not because I go home and construct elaborate fantasies but because a fleeting thought passes through.

Drooling, leering and jacking off like a deranged monkey is not normal, and does not equate.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7419 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

I didn't say YOUR "just looking" equated to anything. I said some of our WH's affairs started out as a glace..a look..at attraction..so when our WH's tell us they look at other women and think about how she would look while riding him..yeah..I don't like it. It scares me. Because he has shown me he can do *that*..you know?

I asked because *some" of the BH's who have responded..not ALL...have said leering at a woman and thinking about fucking her is normal and "all men" do it. I was wondering if THOSE same men would be ok if their WW's did it...the looking and fantasizing. Clearly,if you are not a man who thinks looking at women and immediately thinking about how she would look under you,then the question wasn't for you..it was for those men who think this is normal behavior for men..does that mean it's ok for their WW's...and if not...then why should it be ok for our WH's?

RyeBread...I apologize if I struck a nerve.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7281 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Why is everybody yelling?

have said leering at a woman and thinking about fucking her is normal and "all men" do it

Where was that stated?

I think the "thinking about fucking her" is kind of a rather large leap. If you look at someone attractive it's not usually in the, that outfit is nicely put together kind of way. Registering attraction is linked to our sexuality. Otherwise our species would have been a blip.

That doesn't mean it becomes a Jenna Jameson movie on loop.

Confused, your husbands affair did not start with a glance. Trust me. If that's what he's telling you, he's full of shit.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Stillkicking
Member
Member # 38246
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

As always well said SG.

There is a definite difference between stealing a look at a beautiful individual and undressing an eyefucking the shit out of someone.

At the risk of sounding like a complete and utter prick (which is not my intent I am only hypothesizing) but I wonder if some of the reasons why it is such a big issue is some personal insecurities about their own appearance, due to the fact that society as a whole has driven it so far down our necks of what beautiful really is that 90 % percent of the modern world has issues with their own appearance, my self included and I am pretty good looking guy or so I have been told. Also on that note both my wife and myself notice women checking me out all the time, and it makes her giggle, cause I am with her.

Again not meant to offend anyone, and I apologize if I have


You'll never learn to fly
until your standing at the cliff

I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.


Posts: 128 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

I wasn't quoting anyone..and Im not calling anyone out..but a few on here have stated these thoughts are normal.

UO..Im am well aware of EXACTLY how my husbands bullshit(there was no affair) started. It was intentional and deliberate. That is not what he is telling me. he didn't have to tell me..I read all about it on dday in his secret email account. I wasn't speaking for myself..I meant the general "some of us"..because..again..I am not trying to be specific about any one BH,WH,BW,WW on here. It is true that some of our WH have said it started with a look...so for some men.."just looking and fantasizing" doesn't stop there..clearly. And when it is a WH who is the one looking and fantasizing..it worries some of us.

I stated in my first post on this thread that MY WH has said..several months ago..this was normal and "all men do it." maybe for some men it's a large leap..but for other's..it's not.

Some BW's have expressed That this bothers them...I was curious if the BH's who said this is normal would be ok if their WW had the same thoughts about other men. I didn't mean to piss anyone off.


[This message edited by confused615 at 2:01 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7281 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Mr. Kite
Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Generalizations tend to tick people off, so I will avoid that slippery slope. Besides, how the heck would I know what's going on in someone else's thought process?

I have been married for over 28 years and have never cheated on my wife. No sex with someone else, no kissing, no secret dates or phone calls or texts, etc. That being said, I have struggled with thinking about doing just that from time to time.

This might not be a problem for some but as one who identifies himself as a Christian, it bothers me that I even have those thoughts.

I've endured a loveless, sexless marriage for many of those years, along with a lying, cheating WW, which has certainly not helped. But at the end of the day, what I think about is totally on me.

There's a difference between a glance and staring or leering, which I imagine must make women quite uncomfortable. At least I try to be discreet about it.

There's an old saying that fits for me. "You're not responsible for the birds that fly over your head, but you are if you let them nest in your hair." Or something like that.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Some BW's have expressed That this bothers them...I was curious if the BH's who said this is normal would be ok if their WW had the same thoughts about other men. I didn't mean to piss anyone off.

I know you didn't, confused. I have a question, though. Some that have posted that they are bothered by their WS's doing this have also posted on threads about being flattered by being hit on. Just how do those two things go together?

If men eye fuck wouldn't being hit on be really offensive as that's a pretty agressive form, I'd think. Kind of like "just wink, I'll do the rest"?

That's a serious question, by the way. Not a smart ass one. How can the concern and flattered by it co-exist?

[This message edited by uncertainone at 2:16 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Beats me.

It skeeves me out when a man checks me out. Usually it's in the grocery store..and we are both wearing wedding rings.

If he is far enough away that I can't see his ring..and he can't see mine.. Im so jaded that I automatically assume he is married. And..it skeeves me out.

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:21 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7281 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

My husband said something to the effect once during a heated argument that if men did what they wanted to all the time then most men would be in jail and then he preceded to tell me who he wanted to do it with. So I guess according my husband yes.

But, I have to be honest. I don't simply look at a particular man who is sexy and consider having sex with him. But, I have had fantasies about a particular type of male (no one specific). So it is basically the same I guess.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Stillkicking
Member
Member # 38246
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, September 19th (Thursday)


It skeeves me out when a man checks me out. Usually it's in the grocery store..and we are both wearing wedding rings.

This is going to happen no matter what, people check people out. The only way to combat this is to become an agoraphob and never go out. A wedding ring doesn't change how attractive you are to another person it only signals to them DON'T FUCKING TOUCH. People will look at others just as they always have, human nature.


You'll never learn to fly
until your standing at the cliff

I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.


Posts: 128 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
asurvivor
Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

This subject can rile my ass up a bit. I was married to the most controlling woman in the universe. If I barely glanced at a woman in a store or there was one on TV or in a car next to me she immediately thought I was interested and flew into a fit of rage. I spent 15 years looking at the floor because I was...well and idiot. Thankfully she decided to fuck someone else so my life is now normal. Yes, and normal for me is to be able to look at women because quite frankly I like the way women look...it doesn't mean I'm going to rape them with my eyes or try to bed them. I will never be in another relationship where the trust is so bad that this is even an issue. Don't appreciate that there are other attractive women in the world? Lord, this isn't that complicated.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 536 | Registered: Jun 2011
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Am I the only one reading this thread and thinking, "hmm, remember when Jimmy Carter admitted to lusting in his heart" ... or likely I''m the only one old enough to remember that.

(I hope this doesn''t violate guidelines to mention a political figure, if it does, mods please delete!)


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3045 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Nobody's affair started with just a glance, unless you want to see that as an event prior to the affair and make some logical fallacy about correlation = causation, in which case why not take it all the way back to getting out of bed that morning as the cause. At least that gives us all an excuse to stay in bed, cuz you know, we are avoiding an affair.

Funny thing about looking, I can say I have been in enough establishments where the entertainment consisted of not just seeing attractive women, but seeing them without their clothes on. Funny thing about attractive women, I find them attractive, I enjoy looking at them, but even when I look at them without their clothes on that does not automagically translate into me thinking about fucking them. I actually enjoy beautiful sights, whether they are people, landscapes, sunsets, or things people have built. I have often looked at beautiful cars without trying to steal them. Same thing in my mind.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Lord, this isn't that complicated.

but things change after an affair... there was disrespect with the affair and now there should be no movement in that direction. at. all.

There's a guy I work with occasionally at my 2nd job. When we finish a job he shakes hands with the other guys and wants to hug me. He gets met with my hand. Before my affair, I would have accepted a hug. Just can't happen... I know this is different than looking but the boundaries and respect thing is the same.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4706 | Registered: Dec 2010
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

I get it. There's an immense number of attractive women out there.

I can't spend my life wanting to fuck every sexy woman, though, so I focus all sexual thoughts and feelings (that I become aware of) on my W, as in 'That woman is ...<switch>... gorgeous, and I really want to be with W right now.'

After I got M, I pretty quickly became able to appreciate beauty and sexiness in women without hurting my relationship with my W. (She knows I appreciate other woman. She also has always been confident that she turns me on more than anyone else, which is still true.)

If were single, I expect I'd be looking for new sexual relationships. Happily, I'm not single. I get great pleasure seeing good looking woman almost every place I go, but I have no desire to do anything sexual with anyone but my W.

I will say that sometime I see a woman and think, 'Wow! I hope she's having sex with someone!'

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:19 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


fBH (me) - 70, fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9948 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

I didn't say YOUR "just looking" equated to anything. I said some of our WH's affairs started out as a glace..a look..at attraction..so when our WH's tell us they look at other women and think about how she would look while riding him..yeah..I don't like it. It scares me. Because he has shown me he can do *that*..you know?

I asked because *some" of the BH's who have responded..not ALL...have said leering at a woman and thinking about fucking her is normal and "all men" do it. I was wondering if THOSE same men would be ok if their WW's did it...the looking and fantasizing. Clearly,if you are not a man who thinks looking at women and immediately thinking about how she would look under you,then the question wasn't for you..it was for those men who think this is normal behavior for men..does that mean it's ok for their WW's...and if not...then why should it be ok for our WH's?

I didn't see it in the context you state it except as decried as fucked up when a BH said anything about openly leering. If I missed that then I apologize, but as I read it you appeared to be talking about noticing a woman who looked sexy, that somehow progressing to fucking her.

I took offense because it's like me saying "if it was your WH who was out and about himself one day and came upon an interesting, bookish, puzzling young woman and he not only exchanged hellos with her but started thinking about how they might have a conversation... and then started imagining himself chatting with her online and texting her... and got all sucked into the conversation.. would this be okay with you?

I say that because most of the men responding here are BH's... who have been cheated on... some of us know how 'just chatting' can lead to an affair"

Yes, I know I am susceptible to infidelity under the right circumstances, and that's why I avoid them. Suggesting that just because I notice a woman that I'm completely oblivious to the fact that is step one to eventually fucking her over a guard rail on the Verrazano is like suggesting the BWs of this site might be oblivious to the fact that idly chatting with a guy can lead to the same circumstance, except somehow it goes from Point A to Point Befuckery for men without traversing the intervening space because my dick is an inherent character flaw.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7419 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
TrulySad
Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Rachelc, YES!!!

but things change after an affair

Most of us here have had to understand the hard way, that thoughts can lead to something far worse. We aren't talking about noticing there is a beautiful woman standing over there. The right way to see it would be to notice a beautiful woman, just as you'd notice any beautiful person, child, teen, or adult. It's when it becomes sexual in nature, visualizing them naked, etc, that it crosses lines.

I know not all people will agree with me, and I get that. I'm chosing to only want a man in my life who respects and views women as humans, not as sexual objects. And at the same time, I'm raising my son to hopefully grasp the importance of this.


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 443 | Registered: Jun 2013
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

I will say that sometime I see a woman and think, 'Wow! I hope she's having sex with someone!'

LOL! I remember my brother telling me something similar about seeing a hot girl. My brother has a big mouth.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6649 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

I think it is very possible and quite probable that most of the men here are very able to see a beautiful woman and think just that, she is beautiful. I have watched this difference in my own boys, there are two of them that can see beauty and appreciate it and one that is going to take it to the next level in his head every time.

What UO said was dead on, men and women can both appreciate beauty, I don't know why this is debated so hotly, not everyone takes it to the next level. I notice it with men and women.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4712 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Most of us here have had to understand the hard way, that thoughts can lead to something far worse

Ok. Then let's take those that have suffered infidelity....does anyone see the possible hypocrisy between some of the posts on here and the Scott Eastwood thread in F&G? Would a guy be safe posting that here?


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

because my dick is an inherent character flaw.

I just don't see where this was the point of the thread at all. The original context was is it normal for ALL MEN to see someone pretty and immediately picture her naked and him fucking her. I'm saying NO, it's NOT. Others, men included, said, yeah, pretty much.

I don't care about the occasional look or noticing someone is attractive. I don't know how we'd avoid it. My husband always says I check out women more than any guy he knows (probably true, I even have a pattern; shoes, hair, tits, shoes. So he says. I think he leaves out "outfit"). My position was we, as humans and maybe I am wrong but I do count men in that category, can appreciate beauty without wanting to fuck it. Can't we???


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6353 | Registered: Jan 2011
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 4:23 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

cayc,

Please stick to the forum guidelines. Thank you.

NO POLITICS: We have zero tolerance of discussing politics here. No names, jokes, polls or debates are allowed. Violation of this guideline can result in losing your profile.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37167 | Registered: Sep 2007
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

....does anyone see the possible hypocrisy between some of the posts on here and the Scott Eastwood thread in F&G? Would a guy be safe posting that here?

Funny that you mentioned this. I saw the Scott Eastwood thread, and wondered what the response would be if I posted a random hot girl picture on the thread.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

is it normal that a guy looks at a girl thinks she's hot and thinks "man I would like to fuck her"?

Can't speak for everyone else, but no, not that graphically. It's more like "Damn, she's hot." Or something like that. Mostly just admiration.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
PMs with men only, please
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1351 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
asurvivor
Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

.does anyone see the possible hypocrisy between some of the posts on here and the Scott Eastwood thread in F&G? Would a guy be safe posting that here?

Uncertainone, I find your fairness and intelligence something to stare at and appreciate. We who take our daily beatings salute you.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 536 | Registered: Jun 2011
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

I just don't see where this was the point of the thread at all. The original context was is it normal for ALL MEN to see someone pretty and immediately picture her naked and him fucking her. I'm saying NO, it's NOT. Others, men included, said, yeah, pretty much.

Because "Yes, pretty much" is in line with checking a woman out and assessing her sexually, vs the idea that there is an extended fantasy of fucking going on that is being argued for. There are also several instances of people in this thread that are saying any consideration of a woman as a sexual entity is some kind of heinous thought crime.

I would say even those guys who would go so far as to say "Yeah I wonder" are not likely turning it into an extended episode and have moved on to what kind of beer to drink that night after a few seconds. A two second thought that comes and goes can contain a lot of information.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7419 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
TimeToManUp
Member
Member # 37538
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Hypocrisy of m A aside, I have never been one to stare or leer at or obsess over another woman. It's just never been my thing. I never get involved with "guy talk" about who they want to fuck. I also loathe strip clubs and those restaurants where the girls are hyper-sexualized (ie, Hooters, The Tilted Kilt...). They really make me uncomfortable. Do I recognize when someone is beautiful? Of course. But I don't think about them once they are out of my sight, really. Perhaps I'm in the minority on this, but no, I don't see a pretty woman and devolve straight into fuck fantasies.


I know we're worth it.
WH (Me-33)
BW (tattoodchinadoll-31)
D-Day: 12/22/11
Together 15 years, married for 10.
Three daughters, 8, 4 and 2.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: New Jersey
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

does anyone see the possible hypocrisy between some of the posts on here and the Scott Eastwood thread in F&G? Would a guy be safe posting that here?

I think it is a huge hypocrisy, however if a pic was posted of a girl would the comments be that tame?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4712 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
kickboxer
Member
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

One of my husband's OW ONS was a random girl he met in a bar. He obviously looked at her and wanted to know what it would be like to F her...because he took her out to his friend's boat and did just that.

I can only surmise from this unfortunate encounter that my husband must see attractive women and want to know what it would be like to have sex with them.

His second ONS was a girl from POF. He had accounts registered on a couple websites, specifically to look for anon sex. He saw her picture, she was available at the time he needed her to be available, and that was that.

I can only surmise from this unfortunate encounter that my husband must see attractive women and want to know what it would be like to have sex with them.

I don't think that means my husband doesn't find me attractive or want to have sex with me, but it does mean my WH needs to figure out how to have some self-control and manage these thoughts if he wants to remain married to me.

Whatever boundaries he needs to impose on himself -- whether that's committing to look away, stare at the ground for the rest of his life, or identify, acknowledge, and replace the thought -- well, that's on him.

In another 15 years, I hope I'll be able to say that my husband can look at an attractive woman and appreciate her beauty without compromising his love for me and our marriage vows.

Time will tell.


BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 13 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
asurvivor
Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

I think it is a huge hypocrisy, however if a pic was posted of a girl would the comments be that tame?

I would say if a man posted a woman in a bikini on this site and then other men posted lustful posts, why I hate to even think of the responses. It would be a bloodbath. A massacre...A testicle bashing orgy of testicle bashing


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 536 | Registered: Jun 2011
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

asurvivor, sadly I agree with you, and I don't think that is right.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4712 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

asurvivor...

Actually, there have been plenty of threads in F&G's where pictures of women dressed in school girl outfits and their boobs pushed out of the too-tight, too small white blouse. Bikini shots, carwash pictures, etc., and never have they been shut down and/or turned into a fight.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197065 | Registered: May 2002
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Because "Yes, pretty much" is in line with checking a woman out and assessing her sexually, vs the idea that there is an extended fantasy of fucking going on that is being argued for.

So we are disagreeing with the definition of "pretty much"?

As for the hypocrisy, I don't think we should go there, less other threads be drawn into it.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6353 | Registered: Jan 2011
asurvivor
Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Actually, there have been plenty of threads in F&G's where pictures of women dressed in school girl outfits and their boobs pushed out of the too-tight, too small white blouse. Bikini shots, carwash pictures, etc., and never have they been shut down and/or turned into a fight.

Really, well I'll give it a try and see how that works out one of these days.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 536 | Registered: Jun 2011
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

So we are disagreeing with the definition of "pretty much"?

Yes, because being told what is going on inside my head as a man is condescending, whether it's intended or not. I have tried a few times to point out that disconnect. I don't think there has been one BH in this thread that has not qualified it to some degree with the exception of one guy on page 2.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7419 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Thanks for the replies.
I'm glad to see that thinking a woman is fuckable is ok. But I was more concerned about the fantasies. My wh can stop them (he's getting better) but he would visually see himself fuck them, instantaneously.

Grilla, am so fucking offended. Also you don't know anything about our relationship except what I tell you. Needless to say but i will spell it out to you, you are wrong, it is not dependant on that.


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Really, well I'll give it a try and see how that works out one of these days.

As long as there isn't nudity/porn, its perfectly fine...as always.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197065 | Registered: May 2002
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

I've seen some beautiful women pics posted in F&G. I don't recall that they turned into castrating bloodbaths, nor do I recall that they turned into such lustful commentary that they were offensive.

Furthermore, they were in F&G, where one necessarily should be expecting the unexpected. Personally, I don't like to see threads in the support areas which generalize so much about what's wrong with men or women. It's hurtful. When I'm in a F&G forum it's because I'm feeling emotionally strong and can handle whatever I might see. If I'm in an emotionally-fragile state I stay out of F&G and Off Topic. Heck, I often will stay out of NB as well. These main support forums, though, need to be my safe place.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9480 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

wrt Scott Eastwood, I would rather see flying purple penises in 3D coming out of my monitor than open another spider thread down there. In fact I avoid F&G because ITS FULL OF FUCKING SPIDERS.

Sorry, I will resume being offended. </3


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7419 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Sorry to hear that nature_girl.

I needed help with this issue, it has made me upset for a while. So I've been in an emotionally fragile state.

Thanks


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
RyeBread
Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Really, well I'll give it a try and see how that works out one of these days.

Don't do it asurvivor. You know as well as I do...


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Deeply Scared
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Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Yes, because that's exactly how we operate around here RyeBread.

Thanks


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197065 | Registered: May 2002
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

I agree about the spider pictures popping up in F&G. They have been distressing at times when I'm just looking for an opportunity to laugh or lighten my spirits.

ETA: Lauren, you don't owe me an apology. Your OP in this thread was valid and I support your desire for information. I get triggered when people go off on what a wife's duty is, and how a wife is responsible for her husband's thoughts & behavior, and if a wife would just spread her legs more or blow her husband more, her husband would be happy & content and his ability to control himself would be better. I fell for that fallacy for too many years. It ruined my life (among other fallacies). I'm not going to sit by and allow it to continue to spread unchallenged in my presence.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 5:35 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9480 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
asurvivor
Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Don't do it asurvivor. You know as well as I do...

Ha, I just might. be sure to bring in the boys to ooo and ahh like the ladies do down there...it will be fine.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 536 | Registered: Jun 2011
Deeply Scared
Administrator
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Red  Posted: 5:36 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Now its time for a flag.

asurvivor....

You want to try and prove a point, fine, but you post outside of the forum guidelines and that will get you banned.

I've already posted that no nudity/porn is allowed. Pretty simple.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197065 | Registered: May 2002
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Yes, because being told what is going on inside my head as a man is condescending, whether it's intended or not. I have tried a few times to point out that disconnect. I don't think there has been one BH in this thread that has not qualified it to some degree with the exception of one guy on page 2.

I'm pretty sure that was my personal point all along.

As for Scott Eastwood, my thoughts were purely about the other way to get banned from this site.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6353 | Registered: Jan 2011
asurvivor
Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

I've already posted that no nudity/porn is allowed. Pretty simple.

I'm not sure what flag means...who said anything about nudity or porn for God's sake.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 536 | Registered: Jun 2011
RyeBread
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Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Yes, because that's exactly how we operate around here RyeBread.

DS,

I don't think you do by any means. This forum has been a godsend to me. I'm just a realist and know what the probable outcome would be.

IMHO, I don't know why any oogling of the oposite sex would be on an infidelity forum anyway, by men or women. I just think it's in bad taste. Lots of other websites for that.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Deeply Scared
Administrator
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Red  Posted: 5:42 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

asurvivor...

You're adding nothing to this thread, please stop posting on it.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197065 | Registered: May 2002
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Was going to pop in with something witty (at least to me...the rest of you are probably sick of me by now)--but I see this thread is taking a more serious tone.

I don't speak for other men. I don't speak for other people. But I do not look at other women and think, OMG I want that. I didn't think that way before Dday, and I don't think that way now.

I don't go to strip clubs, and I don't go into restaurants like Hooters and tilted kilt. Yes I can appreciate a pretty woman, but no, my first thought isn't sexual.

Maybe it's how I was raised, maybe it's just who I am, but I find it disrespectful to my wife to entertain fantasy's about being with women I see. But that's me, as far as what other men do, don't know, and I don't really care. Who I am is not defined by other people's actions.

As far as Scott Eastwood goes, why do we care? It is fun and games, and as long as it's not a fucking spider, more power to you.

I will point out that in another thread in general, a male posted pictures of hot girls dancing, and nobody batted an eye.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Ok. Then let's take those that have suffered infidelity....does anyone see the possible hypocrisy between some of the posts on here and the Scott Eastwood thread in F&G? Would a guy be safe posting that here?
Well shit, I was just getting ready to be funny contradicting UO and suggest that nobody would complain if a guy were to post pictures of Scott Eastwood.

One of the very real dangers in this, whether it is posting pictures, noticing members of the opposite sex, how one feels when being leered at or hit on, or standing in line at McDonald's deciding what to order, is the comparisons to and justifications based on what other people are doing.

People exaggerate what others are doing and then compare it to a minimization of what they are doing, and bad behavior and consequences follow. Anyone who tries to keep up with what they see and assume others are doing is going to go much farther than the actual truth.

How did McDonald's get into this? The guy that did the movie Super Size Me is a perfect example, He at full value meals and accepted every upsell offer three meals a day every day, based on his observation that he saw people doing that all the time. Well, I am betting it was not the same people every meal every day, and trying to eat every meal like the one the construction worker who skipped breakfast and has a long way to go until supper is gonna get you in trouble. The same goes for trying to keep up with the comments, fantasies, sexual activities, etc. that you presume other people have all the time. Ever seen an empowered young girl secure in her sexuality trying to check out guys and generally act like it's okay for her to act like guys? It is generally such a fucking overdone stereotype it is hilarious.

ETA:

I will point out that in another thread in general, a male posted pictures of hot girls dancing, and nobody batted an eye.

Really, they weren't that hot.

[This message edited by aesir at 6:01 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
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Red  Posted: 6:06 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Everyone,

Please get back on topic, otherwise we will be forced to lock this thread.

Thank you.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
StillGoing
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Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

I'm pretty sure that was my personal point all along.

I don't understand then, because you appeared to equate the two when I first quoted you - that it's not okay for a guy to look at a woman, think she's hot and fuckable, and others did.

I didn't see any guy here that said it was acceptable to leer, muse on it for longer than was reactionary, etc. Even Grilla who IMO didn't really word what he was saying well, since what I took from it was you go without sex for awhile sleeping next to a woman, you think about sex a lot more.

My comment wrt my dick as a character flaw was directed toward a particular post where similar thought processes in men & women were implied to be somehow different simply because I am a BH.

eta:
er, that was not a good place for an OT sojourn, sorry.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 6:31 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7419 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
MediumRare
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Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Wow, this thread is interesting and seems to me to simply be mismatched perceptions and terminology being used between men and women!

I actually think the person that summed it up best was actually a lesbian that spent some time pretending to be a man. In this experiment, she came face to face with the pure difference between men & women in the sex department: for men, sex can simply be an urge, where as for women it's mental and can be more.

From her article (and book):
Full Article here:
http://abcnews.go.com/2020/Entertainment/story?id=1526982&singlePage=true

"Vincent went to several strip clubs with a male friend. She describes the experience as hellish -- demeaning for the strippers and even worse for the men.

"I saw the men there. I saw the looks on their faces. This is not about appreciation of women, of course. It's not about appreciation of their own sexuality. It's about an urge and ... that's not always that pleasurable, really," she said.

Vincent said strip joints are about pure sex drive -- completely empty of any meaningful interaction, even when a woman is gyrating on your lap.

Even though Vincent is attracted to women, she said she was never aroused during her visits to the clubs. "I really ran smack up against the difference between male and female sexuality. It's that female sexuality is mental. ... For a man, it's an urge," she said.

"At its core, it's a bodily function. It's a necessity. It's such a powerful drive and I think because we [women] don't have testosterone in our systems, we don't understand how hard it is," she said.

So yes, I believe just about every normal, healthy man when they see an attractive and/or scantily clad woman from afar, there is most definitely a sexual response and "urge" as so well put that fires.

Do we make a mental movie of them naked? Do we instantly hurl ourselves into a hardcore porno placing ourselves screwing them? No. We're not "like" that when it comes to our sexuality. It's something I don't even think many women can understand since it's very simply and primitive vs. what I hear women describe as being their "sexual impulse" which seems to be much more complicated and advanced.

(Oh, and I know- some men DO go to the "mind+porno" fantasy level when looking at women! lol THOSE are the ones you need to look out for)

The woman that wrote that article also has a book:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0143038702

I'd bet women truly interested in a man's perspective would gain valuable insight since through her eyes, she can better explain this from her very unique and privileged position of being a lesbian posing as a man and deeply embedding herself into "male" society. :-)


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 712 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
wincing_at_light
Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

When we're done with this topic, can someone post a thread on whether or not romance novels are chick porn?

Kthnxbye

BTW, yes.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6743 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
ok4now
Member
Member # 35896
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Ok I debated on posting typed it and then didn't post and then typed it again.

I just don't want to offend anyone, trigger anyone, and I am not saying all women or even some women are like me but here it goes.

For me I would have to agree with some other posters in real life situations I will notice a good looking man and just think that he is attractive or has a nice body and not really give it much thought. I think I am in my own little world thinking about a million things I have to do while I am filling up my car with gas, shopping etc. I am really not that observant.

Where I tend to day dream and go down the thought process of sexual thinking would be from characters in movies, tv shows or books. I realize that they are just characters and untouchable and really don't exist but I am still thinking sexual thoughts about others. Maybe because they have a personality and I can also emotionally attach in some way?

Sometimes I put down a book and attack my WS. (He is aware of this and the going joke, isn't about time I find another book to read)

At work on more than one occasion we have talked about characters, books, shows, stars, who we think is attractive etc. This definitely isn't all of our conversations but we do have them.

I realize that these people aren't in front of me in the flesh but still along the same lines of thinking.

Just thought I would share.



BS - 39 (me)
WS - 33
DD - 6
D Day - 6/2/11 EA (would have been a PA if the OW was game)
"I'm not going to be the person I am expected to be anymore"
Blue de Chanel Commercial

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Maryland
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

See, here is the problem that we run into with generalizations again.

for men, sex can simply be an urge, where as for women it's mental and can be more.

I saw the men there. I saw the looks on their faces. This is not about appreciation of women, of course. It's not about appreciation of their own sexuality. It's about an urge and ... that's not always that pleasurable, really," she said.

What about the fellas, like myself, who find that strip clubs are repulsive?

ETA: Yes romance novels are definitely porn...discuss.

[This message edited by wonderboy at 7:00 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
MediumRare
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Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

What about the fellas, like myself, who find that strip clubs are repulsive?

It's not about stripclubs. It's about the difference between male and female sexuality.

Also, read ok4now's description which seems to mirror just about every *healthy* woman's description I've ever known:

"I will notice a good looking man and just think that he is attractive or has a nice body and not really give it much thought. I think I am in my own little world thinking about a million things I have to do while I am filling up my car with gas, shopping etc. I am really not that observant.

Where I tend to day dream and go down the thought process of sexual thinking would be from characters in movies, tv shows or books. I realize that they are just characters and untouchable and really don't exist but I am still thinking sexual thoughts about others. Maybe because they have a personality and I can also emotionally attach in some way?"

That really epitomizes the point at hand... and it has nothing to do with stripclubs other than the lesbian/author learned that moment of clarity there seeing how she wasn't aroused in the slightest (despite being a lesbian).

I'd say MOST men can have a fully developed, sexual reaction to a woman with a simple visual process because that sexual "urge" can be very simple and primitive. Most women seem to require a bit more to get what they consider a sexual reaction.

That isn't to say all men are horndogs or something, just that I believe our high testosterone gives us some sort of sexual "foreshadowing" response that most women do not relate to at all, and are instead trying to "fit" what they know/process as a sexual response to this thing that happen in men.

It's two different things entirely, and YES, men also share the "A-Z" sexual response that requires depth, intimacy, compatibility, etc. etc... but we also have what that lesbian described as well, which is that purely physical, "urge" response system that IS sexual, but is not the whole enchilada, so to speak.

Hope that makes sense!

FYI- I also find stripclubs repulsive, but if there is a super hot woman at the beach or jogging, etc. etc... that response is there.

[This message edited by MediumRare at 7:12 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 712 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
ok4now
Member
Member # 35896
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Yes wonder boy I would have to agree that some books are definitely soft porn. I guess you brought up an interesting topic. I guess I am sort of a hypocrite. LOL

My WS and I have watched a few soft core flicks together but we are always together.

But I am reading the books by myself so I guess I am engaging in porn without him.

Interesting. ...


BS - 39 (me)
WS - 33
DD - 6
D Day - 6/2/11 EA (would have been a PA if the OW was game)
"I'm not going to be the person I am expected to be anymore"
Blue de Chanel Commercial

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Maryland
heartbroken0903
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Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

can someone post a thread on whether or not romance novels are chick porn?

I posted a thread awhile back about that; didn't get a whole lot of responses b/c it didn't come across as articulately as I'd have liked, but yes, they are, IMO.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2090 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
StillGoing
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

It's not about stripclubs. It's about the difference between male and female sexuality.

Well, when someone draws all her data from a single demographic and apply it to all demographics universally, that's sort of the major flaw right there. It isn't about the difference between male and female sexuality, it's about the sexuality of the majority of men who attend strip clubs. If she went into a church and sat through a sermon on sex I don't think the facial expressions would be the same, but I think it would be necessary to include the other end of the extreme to achieve a realistic average if there's an attempt for a global expression there. Otherwise it's just standard bullshit where someone is playing the data to their goal.


eta:

I'd say MOST men can have a fully developed, sexual reaction to a woman with a simple visual process because that sexual "urge" can be very simple and primitive. Most women seem to require a bit more to get what they consider a sexual reaction.

Also, there have been physiological response studies that clearly indicate the opposite of this.

eta again:

One of the articles on that -

http://psychcentral.com/news/2010/01/05/men-and-women-differ-on-sexual-arousal/10547.html


Home » News » Relationships and Sexuality News » Men and Women Differ on Sexual Arousal


Men and Women Differ on Sexual Arousal
By Rick Nauert PhD Senior News Editor
Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on January 5, 2010

Men and Women Differ on Sexual ArousalNew research discovers that the genders differ in their physiological responses to mental sexual arousal.

Queen’s University Psychology professor Meredith Chivers found men’s reports of feeling sexually aroused tend to match their physiological responses, while women’s mind and body responses are less aligned.

“We wanted to discover how closely people’s subjective experience of sexual arousal mirrors their physiological genital response – and whether this differs between men and women,” says Dr. Chivers, an expert in human sexual response.

Although a gender difference has been reported in individual studies of sexual arousal, until now there has been no systematic analysis.

The Queen’s study is published on-line in the international journal, Archives of Sexual Behavior.

The researchers looked at 134 studies, published between 1969 and 2007, involving more than 2,500 women and 1,900 men. Participants were asked how aroused they felt during and after exposure to a variety of sexual stimuli.

This subjective measure of arousal was compared with physiological responses: changes in penile erection for men and changes in genital blood flow for women.

The men’s subjective ratings more closely matched their physiological measures than the women’s; men’s brain and bodies were almost always in agreement, while there was more often a reported inconsistency between women’s bodies and minds.

The researchers then looked at factors in the studies that might shed some light on this gender difference. They identified two methodological differences, in particular, that may play a role.

The content and presentation (e.g., visually or as an audio recording) of sexual stimuli made no difference to how well the subjective and physiological responses mirrored each other in men.

However, it did influence women’s responses. Women exposed to a greater range and number of sexual stimuli – content and presentation – were more likely to have stronger agreement between subjective and physiological responses.

The timing of the assessment of self-reported sexual arousal also had an effect. When participants were asked to rate their subjective arousal at the end of each stimulus, men’s responses were closer to one another than women’s.

However, when both men and women were asked to rate their arousal when they were exposed to the stimulus, the gender difference disappeared because men’s concordance dropped to the range of women’s.

“Understanding measures of arousal is paramount to further theoretical and practical advances in the study of human sexuality,” Dr. Chivers says.

“Our results have implications for the assessment of sexual arousal, the nature of gender differences in sexual arousal, and models of sexual response.”

[This message edited by StillGoing at 7:44 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7419 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

What about the fellas, like myself, who find that strip clubs are repulsive?

So it's not just me, wonderboy. I find strip clubs about as arousing as an icy cold lake (the fellas here know what I'm talking about - think of George Costanza in the "shrinkage!" episode). I haven't been in one since the 90s, and I recall wanting to run up on stage and hand out bathrobes. I like the feminine form as much as any man, but those envrions are a huge turn off for some reason.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
PMs with men only, please
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1351 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
struggling3
Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

In the entire time we have been together,I have never thought of another man in a sexual manner. Not one time.

This. Exactly.

Sorry this is not a male perspective but I have to say bullshit... they cannot be wired that differently. It is choice..plain and simple.


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 28, 25, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 304 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Lonelygirl10
Member
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Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

This thread triggered me badly. I know that there are some men out there that probably do this, but I just hope, hope, hope that there are men out there that don't. I have not given up hope yet that there is a man out there that won't have sexual thoughts about other women.

But at the same time, realistically, I know that sexual thoughts shouldn't matter. What matters is actions. I guess I'd rather be with a man who has sexual thoughts but doesn't have an A, than a man who has an A but not sexual thoughts. But then is the second even possible? My wBF said that he never thought sexual things about women, and that he found it wrong. But yet he had sex with two other women. So how is that even possible? Logically, makes zero sense.

I guess, for the men that DO do this, do you not think that it's disrespectful to your spouse? And I don't mean just staring or noticing someone attractive. What I mean is when you think about having sex with the woman. How is that not disrespectful? I think it would be disrespectful whether it's a woman or man having the thoughts.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1112 | Registered: Jul 2013
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

As far as Scott Eastwood goes, why do we care? It is fun and games, and as long as it's not a fucking spider, more power to you.

I agree and that wasn't my point. My point was simply this. If a thread were posted in general about xyz being a noticeable issue for many yet that same group was engaging in the same or similar behavior how is that not hypocritical.

It wasn't in support of any gender or against any gender. It's an apparent blind spot that I think many if not most of us can have. Very selective in observation. Not so much when it's done BY "us" but very much so when it's done "TO" "us. That was it.

I don't even know who Scott Eastwood is nor do I care.

I know that generalizations happen in life all the time. People are here because of a tremendous personal trama either self caused or inflicted by another. Trying to get everything I can from this shit show I caused has been my driving force since I came here. That is the only way I can do it. I want to see every flaw, chink, hole, gap in my processess regardless of what circumstances or pain was caused to me. That's what I control.

I question myself as hard every day. Hey, if I'm upset or pained when someone does this to me is there any part of that I myself do but don't see, notice, acknowledge. The answers are consistently, you bet your ass. Here here and here. Shit, more work needed.

I can't say enough how much value I have for those that have helped me see these flaws and issues. We may not be Christmas Card buddies but it's changed my life.

As far as the OP, I still hold that this, like a few other threads I posted on, is not gender related at all. It's ALL about respect. Whether men may be wired differently than women or what. If his actions cause pain in you, Lauren, especially after the trauma of infidelity than if he continues it's not because he's a man. It's because he's a disrespectful person. No one should have to live with a partner that is disrespectful. Ever. Infidelity related or not.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 8:06 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

I completely agree Nature girl
I can't believe someone would say have more sex! 'service' your husband more...

It's actually boredom. He works two casual jobs one which earns a LOT and he's very busy. He's around a lot of young adult girls who dress provocatively and he's okay.

The other one that earns little but he is very bored at times. And there are a lot of MILFs or girls dressed really sexily to impress their boyfriends. (not a bar)

Anyway certainly an interesting thread. I will need obviously to think this through a lot more.

As I've always maintained it's not necessarily the thought of 'oh she's hot I would like to fuck her'. It's not really ideal for me or what I want in a partner.

But there's a difference between being idealistic and realistic.

I do have a problem with the 'visions' I hope that this can be rectified with counselling. I'm not necessarily sure if he wants it to change but he knows it's important to me. I think he's made it clear that, that in itself is enough for him.

He has a mantra when they happen, he claims that they help a lot, I can only help this is the case. No, he does not speak with other guys about hot girls etc. Infact he gets upset when other guys talk about girls he knows that way.

Or porn.

He just doesn't display the enthusiasm.

He's a complicated guy I guess

[This message edited by lauren123 at 9:51 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Dreamland
Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Hmm I thought my H didnt really look.. Before the A I would oh wow that woman has a very attractive figure or that woman has a beautiful face..I knew that he would not act out and I had no problem stating it.
But now I don't say anything because honestly I don't know anymore. Maybe he never said but thought it.
Now from the woman's perspective .. I can honestly say that I have said to my girl friends.. Man that guys is hot.. Or boy what a body I wouldn't mind work on that.. So I have sexual thoughts but not graphic .. Just more that I am turned on.. Especially as I have gotten older and since my WH had told me in 6 years ago he wasn't into sex (with me). Anyway I was in my 40s and bothered.. But just because I found a guy hot doesn't mean I will sleep with.. 2 distinct things.. I have to be emotional connected.. Or I am not interested. In fact I can't imagine sex with anyone else because I know I can't do it.
Sorry t/j that's my problem my WH now. I am just not into him now. He lost me. I am just not connected to him anymore.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, September 20th (Friday)

For Me, I am very visual. I love women , they are beautiful , so yes at times I can fantasize in a second about a woman I see on the street. But I would never act on it. Ever ! In the beginning my stbxww and I both used to look at women and she loved it. We used it as stimulation and fantasy in the bedroom. But that was at 20 yrs old or so , before kids and life ! I believe all guys fantasize about women they think are attractive just most don't admit it.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 622 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Topic Posts: 130