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User Topic: How long did AP respect NC?
naivewife
Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

It's been nearly 6 months since the final (I pray!) d-day and not a word from OW (I pray!).
I so want to believe that since it's been this long, she's gone, we'll never hear from her again, but of course, the fear goes on. WH's relationship with her was very much an addiction, and while he feels more and more fortified with each passing day, and is getting over the pains he thought she was magically curing, it's always a fear.
Anyway, what has been your experience? Did anyone have an AP stay away for a very long time and then show back up on the scene? WH is a little concerned about his upcoming birthday, as well as what OW considered their "anniversary" (the romantic day her mother, WH's psychiatrist, got her involved in his treatment)


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 341 | Registered: Feb 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Wink  Posted: 2:00 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Well, my FWH better respect it for the rest of his life.

His choice. My deal breaker.

On that note, I understand your trepidation. It is completely normal to worry about the WS and AP reconnecting for some reason or no reason.

Fear of missing the red flags we missed before or fear that our "craziness" might be pushing them away...all totally understandable and I can relate 100%.

Did anyone have an AP stay away for a very long time and then show back up on the scene?

In my case, no (hopefully stays that way) but you will get some yes answers too.

Regardless, you have to look at YOUR marriage at what YOUR husband is and isn't doing to help you heal and what else you need to feel secure in your marriage. And that just may be time to heal and that is okay.

I just don't want to see you read someone else's story or experience of the AP coming back on the scene and you connecting dots in your relationship that aren't there. That will set you back in your healing and your reconciliation.

Discuss your fear with your husband and tell him you are feeling vulnerable.

Infidelity is a crazy train to begin with. Try not to add to the length of the ride.

Follow you instincts and be strong. You are worth it and you matter.

(((hugs and prayers)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 3:55 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
Edith
Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Did anyone have an AP stay away for a very long time and then show back up on the scene?

Yes, after 2 years and then again after 3 years. Long story, but in our case, OW is a professional adulterer with extensive experience and probably just wanted a new debit card since fWH shut the other one down.

From my perspective, what an OW lacks in morals and brains they make up for in persistence. And gall. And disgustingness.

Best wishes to you.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 365 | Registered: Feb 2013
musiclovingmom
Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Did anyone have an AP stay away for a very long time and then show back up on the scene?

Yes.
OW#1 - continued to contact my H for 6 months after he ended it with her - both as herself and her daughter. Then, complete NC for 1 1/2 years. She then attemptedcontact again within a month of getting engaged to her long time bf.
OW#5 - one week shy of our one year dday antiversary (the day she was sent an NC from H) she suddenly needed him to share Info about a missing person (she lives over 1,500 miles from us).

Posts: 1057 | Registered: Jan 2013
TrulySad
Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Yes. Two women were told NO CONTACT.

One continued to reach out via email, text, and social media accts. We blocked her, and WBF even sent her a humiliating text telling her to move on with her life. We thought she had, until we realized she reached out to a family member recently, to tell them she was moving in with her new boyfriend and wanted to return something. This came shortly after my WBF had removed a mutual friend of theirs who had posted pics of my WBF to FB. We discovered the OW was leaving comments on them and "liking" them. He didn't know this until I saw it show up on my news feed since I get notifications of him when he's tagged in something. Apparently she had been trying all that time, for him to see her. Since he had blocked her, he never did. He asked his friend to make a choice, delete the OW, or my WBF would delete the mutual friend. BAM, another friend erased from his contacts.

Then another OW stayed quiet for nine months, and recently reached out via text. Her message: "I know you wanted me to never contact you again, but I was wondering how you are doing". My WBF's response, after we both discussed it: "Clearly you didn't listen to me the first time.... We shouldn't have remained friends as long as we did. Maybe it was because I didn't care about the people in my past and was playing childish games with them and with you. I'm moving on with my life and doing the right thing by myself and my girlfriend which whom I love very much. She means everything to me. When I compare her to the females in my past, it makes me realize I was lowering my standards back then. You're wrong to be reaching out to me. You have a fiance and need to quit reaching out to other guys to fuel your ego. I told you back then to never contact me again. I meant it. I'm happier than I've ever been and want you to leave us alone."

Her response: "Holy shit didn't mean to bug. I forgot about that. This time I'm deleting your number sorry. I'm glad you're happy. I'm happy too with my new bf. My fiance and I broke up when I moved. I just started teaching too. That's all I wanted to hear, how you were dOing...not start a relationship. But deleting your number. Bye. Sorry."

Pathetic. She contradicted herself, and lied, leaving us wanting to laugh, if the situation wasn't so sick and sad.

I know we aren't supposed to answer their pitiful attempts at contact. But I think sometimes it's a case by case situation. With the first OW I mentioned, we have ignored her on everything, with one exception. And it was a calculated one to humiliate her. With the second women, she never got the point that he was in a commited relationship and wanted nothing to do with her ever again. I think she thought he'd ride the wave out, and eventually reach out to her, or break and wanna revert to his old shit. I think sometimes when we go through everything in the beginning, we are in such a fog, both the waywards and betrayed, that the first no contact letter isn't always as clear as it could have been. I know my WBF didn't want to hurt the OW, so he went about it politely (how sweet of him). I think the OW gave him a chance to see what losers they were, when they never stopped contact. And I've had a chance to see he's actually trying, with his continued actoins of being a team and facing them together, with me.


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 444 | Registered: Jun 2013
SadFlower
Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

My FWH's AP stayed silent for 7 months...then sent a message (not personal, but news about a mutual friend). FWH did not respond. Then 5 months later (last month) she sent another one (the mutual friend had died). FWH did not respond. She tried to recall the message, but FWH had already seen it and forwarded it to me.
I wonder when the next one will be? Because I am sure there will be a next one.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 390 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

The first OW tried to add my husband as a friend on myspace along with several of their old mutual friends after five years of no contact. She had moved back to the states and had a baby with one of the many guys she slept with. I guess she thought if she changed her profile picture to a baby picture, I wouldn't know it was her. She always was stupid. Anyway, he blocked her right away and removed any friends who had added her.

It's been five years since then but I'm thinking she got the message. Especially when several of their mutual friends deleted her so they could add him (he refuses requests from anyone with her in their friend list).


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4033 | Registered: Sep 2005
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Ours didn't respect it at all. The last contact MOW made was with me this past June. My WH has been NC with her since December 2012.

If he ever responds to her contact it will be a dealbreaker

If he cheats again (with whomever EA or PA) it is a dealbreaker

My WH's birthday is also coming up and I am on high alert. I also just found out when MOW's birthday is too, so I will be checking that day as well.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

After the second dday, one day. After he started hanging up on her, two years. But that contact was her following my on Twitter, not contacting FWH.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6359 | Registered: Jan 2011
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

With AP#1 and #2 I don't know exactly how long, because I didn't know about them until long after the A's were over. I do know text and phone contact continued with #1 for a few months, but then he got involved with #2 who KNEW the first one and would call and threaten her to stay away from her man!!!!

When AP#2 was ousted, she moved out of state, but then continued phone contact for a year and a half, basically until my husband lost his job and she had no way of contacting him anymore. He'd changed his cell number after AP#3 dday, so she then could only contact him at work. When he got fired, that ended.

AP#3, they continued to work together for about 3 weeks. Once she was gone, a NC letter was sent (no letters with the first two obviously, since I didn't know about them.) and she never contacted him again. He had also changed his number after DDay so she couldn't call him on his cell, but she did at work a couple times. For a "reference" and such.

AP#4 until he lost his job. But they only had one physical contact, then she "found God" suddenly and decided that only flirting was okay, just nothing physical.

He has not had ANY contact with any of them since July 12, DDay#2, though two contact end3ed prior to that.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
NoMorDeceit
Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Only one of my H's received a no contact letter, the others still don't know he was married (they were over before I found out). She has never reached out, and I'm always on the watch for the others, but in 4 years, nothing.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 495 | Registered: Apr 2009
Topic Posts: 11