As a betrayed wife, I will say that I like the fact that you are inquiring after the anger.
I have some ideas or wishes that I wish X would have done, were reconciling real and not a trick. He tried at first but was too far gone inside himself to figure out how to react to my anger-he only saw it briefly and never has again, for I feel stronger when I show him nothing.
That aside, here are my wishes:
-I would have wished to get some compassion from him;
-I would have wished for an apology at that time and not when he felt like it;
-I would have wished to not be judged even more by him;
-I would have wished not to be yelled at by him during the anger phases; it was more hurt that I didn't think possible and selfish;
Instead of any of this, he would yell at me and defend OW or just plain leave and drive away.
From my experience and some friends, and people may disagree, how it is replied to the anger goes a long way.
For me at least, the anger stems largely from a group of combined emotions that I simply cannot sort out: frustration, fear, loss of several things, (self, pride, purpose, value as a person, etc...) and levels of hurt and humiliation that I have never before experienced.
I don't know if that will help any or if it's what she's feeling, but it's what I've gone through in cycles. My anger comes in spurts and gives an energy that I don't always know how to control, so I tend to do nothing when it comes...I put away all electronics and try to do something energetic, because it causes this energy and irration inside that is hard to contain.
ETA that porn was apparently a massive part of his double life that he chose to hide from me and eventually it became "real" for him, but according to counselors, he viewed me as the maternal type of figure so could not fathom or relate what he saw in porn in me...yet, FWIW, I was willing in some of it to save our M and help him be happier...but he was too far warped in his thinking from it and other things.
I wish you well.Ashland 13
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess