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User Topic: I'm pretty sure my husband is cheating what do I do?
Feelingsolost
New Member
Member # 40727
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, September 20th (Friday)

Sorry this is long.

Awhile back my husband started jogging with an old coworker and I had no problem with it. Then I noticed little changes here and there with his appearance, clothing, wouldn't let me see his phone etc and I got sort of suspicious.

Then he wouldn't tell me exactly where they jog, he didn't really want me to meet her either. So I finally told him that even if they were coincidences these were a lot of signs of cheating.

That day he came home from work and really turned the tables on me. Telling me how unhappy he has been in our marriage for a long time, that I don't do enough around the house, I've been hard to live with at times.

We've since gone to marriage counseling and I've gone to individual therapy as well but it's only getting worse. He says he loves me and won't leave me and wouldn't cheat but he's changed his phone password and refuses to go to church which is very unlike him. He also wouldn't let me meet her after he agreed to it in therapy and went to a festival with her but told me he didn't want me to come because he "needs space".

This is becoming unbearable. I know all the signs are there and he's probably at least having an emotional affair but he won't admit to it and now it's become MY problem where somethings wrong with ME.

Sorry this post is rushed and excuse any poor grammar, I'm running on very little sleep because I'm crying off and on 24/7. I feel so lost and don't know what to do.

[This message edited by Feelingsolost at 9:03 AM, September 20th (Friday)]


Posts: 11 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Texas
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, September 20th (Friday)

((HUGS))

I think you're right that he's cheating. I'm sorry to say that.

What do you want? You cannot make him confess, but you can pretty much be assured that he's cheating at least emotionally - and even if by some stretch of the imagination he isn't cheating, he's at the very least disrespecting you.

I think the best thing for you to do is to either try to get proof that he's cheating and confront him, or to start detaching from him, working on yourself, and deciding what YOU want/need to do in this situation. You don't have to live with this - you can put an ultimatum to him, or you can just leave/make him leave. You have a choice too - you don't have to let him jerk you around.

Oh, and don't doubt that he's being a total asshole and rewriting your marriage history right now to justify his behavior. Don't let him blame you. He's full of shit right now; let that blameshifting roll off your back.

((HUGS)) sorry you are in this position.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6672 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, September 20th (Friday)

((feelingsolost))

I'm so sorry. His actions are straight out of the waywards handbook!

Do you have the money to hire a PI? Put a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) in his car?
That's what I would do - gather evidence... be smart about this - don't beg, ask, confront YET. But get the evidence, give him an opportunity to confess and then show him the door if he doesn't... It's really hard to do...he'll do all sorts of crazy stuff to gaslight you, blameshift, deny... don't buy it!

There is a lot of information here in the healing library...

I'm SO SORRY you're here...


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4785 | Registered: Dec 2010
seenow
Member
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, September 20th (Friday)

Trust your gut and protect yourself.

I am so sorry. I am new to this too. Trust yourself!


ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 288 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, September 20th (Friday)

Ugh! Yep, plenty of red flags there. (((Feelingsolost)))

Welcome to SI. The best club you don't want to belong to.

What does your MC say about this "friendship"? Can you afford a PI? You will get your "proof" if you need it that way.

He also wouldn't let me meet her after he agreed to it in therapy and went to a festival with her but told me he didn't want me to come because he "needs space".
This was a fucking date.

I would assume he is having an affair, as you say, at least emotional. I would tell your husband that he has some choices to make. He will end this "friendship" with her, give up his password and give his phone to you immediately (so he can't clean it up) or he can have all the space he wants as he can move out asap as you will not put up with his dating any longer.

Now, you have to be ready for him to walk out the door if you give this ultimatum and he doesn't comply. You can do this confrontation in MC if you like. In MC I would also ask your husband how he would feel if you suddenly had a male friend that you were spending so much time with, wouldn't introduce him to your friend, kept your phone on lock down and wouldn't let him see the messages from your male friend and went on a date to a festival with this male friend?

Others will come along and have some advice. This is what I feel I would do if I were in this situation.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9544 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, September 20th (Friday)

Is this old coworker married? I wonder what her husband thinks about this friendship.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6672 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
PrincessPeach06
Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, September 20th (Friday)

Sounds a lot like my H during his EA. He wanted his space, wanted his "friends" and I didn't do enough for him. In all honesty we moved away and never dealt with it. He swore he could never ever have a PA and loved me and look where it got me 5 years later. :/. If I had found this site then I would like to think things would have been different.

Hang in there and take he advice of the wonderful people here. It sucks but you can get through it!!!


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
putonahappyface
Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, September 20th (Friday)

I'm so sorry, feelingsolost. I agree with the others - too many red flags, & "normal" friendships just don't look like this. I 2nd the plan to put a VAR in his car - I understand Best Buy or Radio Shack sells good, affordable versions of these.

I also suggest you read "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. It outlines the progression of this slippery slope; maybe you can get your H to read it as well. I'd say this is an EA for sure, & you need to be prepared for even worse. The only way to cheat is to lie, so you absolutely cannot believe anything he says right now.

Find out if she's married. If so, gently share your concerns & get another pair of eyes working on this. The sneaking around & having secrets are addictive for him, so this needs to get blown up sooner rather than later. Lifting you up & sending you strength & hugs.


BS (me) - 50; SAWH- 51 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 21&17
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: discovered porn addiction
4 years out: M is strong; FWH is a new man :)


Posts: 720 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
SadFlower
Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, September 20th (Friday)

Feelingsolost, I am so sorry to read your message. My heart goes out to you. I agree with everyone else--he's cheating for sure.

I didn't beat a confession out of my WH until the third confrontation. He gaslighted me with the "we're just friends" line, but I knew I was right. After the second confrontation, I spent time gathering rock-solid evidence. The third confrontation was not pretty.

I strongly recommend Leigh Richwood's book, What to Do When Your Spouse Cheats. It's full of good advice about collecting evidence and confronting.

My strongest recommendation for now is to see a lawyer. Know what your rights are before you confront, and especially before you leave your home (if it comes to that). Most lawyers give initial free consultations.

This is in addition to all the other good advice given above, with which I heartily concur.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 391 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
meaniemouse
Member
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, September 20th (Friday)

FSL--your post gave me little pricklies up and down my spine. I could go into my long and sad story but this isn't about me. I wish I would have found this site when I was at the place you are. Lucky for you--you did.

I would bet my next paycheck your husband is cheating. At this point it is definitely emotional infidelity, if it isn't physical yet, it will be soon.

I would stop accusing and pretend you believe everything he is telling you. Let him keep his "jogging" appointments with this person and pretend you're ok with it.

Then I'd beg, borrow or steal the money to hire a PI. It probably won't take him/her long to get the evidence you need. I'd make an appointment with every good divorce attorney and choose the one who you feel will do the best job for you. The reason you contact the others is so that they won't be able to represent your ex. Many will talk to you for free or for very little for the first time--take advantage of that. I would make copies of all important marital/family documents and keep them in a safe place with a trusted friend or in a safe deposit box. I would get a list of all of your assets and debts and make sure you know where all of your $$ is. I would get his name off of anything that is solely yours-(if you can--a lawyer can tell you what is legal to do--that's why you need to get in touch with one asap) I would also set up a bank account in only your name--even if it only has $100 in it and I would also apply for at least one credit card in your own name. Get copies of all of your joint credit card statements for the last year or for however long you suspect he has been "jogging."

No more crying or being down around him. Give him the impression that all is AOK. Get into therapy because you're going to need all the support you can get.

Then--when you have all your ducks in a row, when you have your evidence--sit him down and let him have it. Be calm and cool and in control. If you want to reconcile and you find that he does--get him to sign an agreement that sets out the conditions if he cheats again. Of course that agreement states that you get everything if that happens. If he balks at signing it--then you know he's not serious. If he intends to be faithful from that point on--he has nothing to fear.

There are many successfully reconciled couples here who tell you that their marriages have weathered the infidelity storm and are stronger because of it. If you want that and he does, and he will cooperate-great.

But--there are many of us here who also heard pleas of reconciliation from our wayward spouses which were nothing but more lies. Or--if not lies--they were just more promises that they couldn't keep. Hope for the best but ALWAYS plan for the worst. Protect yourself and know that you can live through this and keep your sanity, your integrity and your sense of self-worth. Don't let him take that away from you.

This is already long and I could say a LOT more because I was sitting exactly where you are. I didn't find SI until 2 months after I was divorced and then it was too late for me. Shoulda, woulda, coulda--don't let it happen to you.

Good Luck and PM me if you want. There is so much wonderful support here--I hope you are able to take advantage of the immense wisdom available from SI members--the biggest club of which NO ONE wants to be a member.


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2105 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
wifeno2
Member
Member # 31529
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, September 20th (Friday)

What meaniemouse said.

To this I would add-
Kill him with kindness.

And avail yourself of every stealth method of info gathering you can get your hands on.


Me-BW (45)
Him-WS (42)
DS 19 (prior relationship)
DS-8
DDay #1- 10/22/2010 EA/PA with MOW coworker
Dday#2:11/17/2010 beginning secret emails with potential OW#2
DDay #3 11/22/2010 still seeing OW#1
Too many DD's to count: Now up to OW #6.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: the south
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, September 20th (Friday)

This all reminds me of the things my WH said to me,Oh about four years ago. D-day was May 4th a year ago.

I didn't keep the house clean enough, he was disappointed in me and the kids, I can't spend time with them together (she's too busy) but they found time to golf in the middle of flippen afternoon, and there is something wrong with ME, not them. It's the same playbook.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
LifeisCrazy
Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, September 20th (Friday)

I get so furious with these posts. You know why? Because I HATE seeing innocent people get dragged through the emotional cleaners.

At the same time I want to scream out:

STAND UP FOR YOURSELF! FIND YOUR SELF-CONFIDENCE AND DON'T ALLOW ANOTHER PERSON (SUCH AS YOUR HUSBAND) TO PISS ON YOUR LEG!

Feeling - I'm sorry you are in this position. But...

Put an end to it. You're his wife not some chick he met in a bar o Saturday night. It's time for you to get angry and put your foot down. The conversation goes like this:

"In the next 30 seconds you hand me your phone, unlocked. If not, pack your bags and get out.

And here are the rules..."

Then list them out. No contact. At all. Ever. No secret passcodes. Complete transparency.

Then you can end with, "Okay, Mr. Festival Date Night, are you in or are you out?"

No negotiation. Then be ready to show him the door.

Be ready for him to leave by understanding that, if he leaves, he was gone anyway.

If you continue to allow him to "think about it" or have it both ways then you get months (if not years) of getting dumped on.

It's not just you, Feeling. It's all of us betrayed spouses. We need to have the confidence to demand an end to the crappy behavior. To have the self-respect to NOT be treated this way. To let a spouse, still in affair, know that you will not tolerate a third wheel in the marriage.

It's not you. It's him. Be strong and tell him to get his shit together or get out.

Please. Be strong - for yourself and for your family.


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2013
LifeisCrazy
Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, September 20th (Friday)

BTW - I don't care if it's an affair or not. It doesn't matter.

It makes you uncomfortable and you are his wife. Your husband should NOT be making you feel that way. Period.

Don't allow him to do that to you. If you were doing something that made him upset (certainly to think that you might be having an affair) wouldn't you stop? Would you do that to him? Of course not!

Affair or not - he stops doing things that upset you. That's what people do when they love each other.


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2013
Blobette
Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, September 20th (Friday)

So glad you made your way here from The Other Place (the one we don't talk about). Listen to these people, but use the advice you feel ready for. Though sometimes it's worth thinking through the posts that you don't feel comfortable with. Please do read on here - some wild, horrible stories, some stories that sound just like your situation. And you can be sure of loving, supportive responses here. And we hug!

So sorry you're here. The important thing to remember is that it's him, not you. None of us is a perfect spouse, but imperfection does not warrant or justify cheating. And cheaters have to lie to themselves and to you to justify what they've done, so their view of the marriage is slanted. You really can't believe what they say - there are a lot of threads here detailing the fucked-up, ridiculous shit cheaters come up with. Hence the terms gas lighting and blame-shifting.

((((hugs!)))))


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1055 | Registered: Aug 2012
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, September 20th (Friday)

My heart loves what LifeIsCrazy said, but my head loves what MeanieMouse said.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6672 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, September 20th (Friday)

Like another poster said, telling you all of a sudden that he hasn't been happy in the marriage for a long time is a huge red flag. If he is cheating, or thinking about it, that would be where he would start. Starting to justify it by telling you how you are disappointing him and always have been.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
runninbehind78
New Member
Member # 35454
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, September 20th (Friday)

Always trust your gut. It's there for a reason. I hope you're wrong but I'm afraid you're not.


Me-BBF-34
Her-WWGF-35
Together 16 years
Multiple EA over 2 years
9 month long EA/PA with my friend.
Dday1-4/20/12
Dday2-6/16/12
Dday3-8/20/12
Dday4-8/23/12
Dday5-a few weeks later


"I can't escape my own escape."


Posts: 10 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Hell on earth
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, September 20th (Friday)

Doing exactly what Life & Meanie said, is what saved my marriage.
That and a new bank account that he funded when I confronted.
Do it today! And do not let him make you think you are nuts. If he lies, and he will, warn him once, then kick him to the curb, and let him think for a few days.
No contact with him. I also gave mine the name of a therapist, who made him confess to the affair, and come clean to me if he had any hope of saving his marriage. Do not waste one minute. And hold strong.

[This message edited by fourever at 2:17 PM, September 20th (Friday)]


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Feelingsolost
New Member
Member # 40727
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

Thank you everyone for the kind words and advice, I had to take a day off to get away from thinking about this so I haven't replied until now.

I don't have the money to hire a PI right now because the ones I'm finding are very expensive.

I'm working on ME right now and will probably hold off on some things until we're in MC. I think confronting him there will go better.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Texas
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

He also wouldn't let me meet her after he agreed to it in therapy and went to a festival with her but told me he didn't want me to come because he "needs space".

^^^Don't allow this. Even if you have to get in your car and follow him, do not let him get away with this. This is so disrespectful to you and hugely inappropriate.

You have every right to say, "Hell No" ~ use this right.

I too believe that he is engaged in or heading into an A. {{{Feelingsolost}}}

What would I do?
Get a voice activated recorder (or two) and strategically place them where he could get caught chatting...one in his car would be good.

He will continue to make you feel like you are crazy. You need concrete proof...they are usually never willing to spill the beans on their own.

Trust your gut and protect yourself.

^^^THIS!!!!

I understand and am so sorry for your pain.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

I echo the comments about trusting your gut. I suppressed mine for 2 + years. I really wished I had not.

I caution you about continuing MC. Read Not Just Friends. My SAWH, upon confrontating him with the name of the woman he was seeing, insisted they were just friends. And he did this in MC, too. He continued to do this for 2 weeks until I found more evidence that this had been going on for MUCH longer than I suspected.Even then, it has taken MONTHS to get answers to everything...and I am sure there is more to know. At the very least, your H's boundaries are for shit in that he is spending time with the person in question instead of working on the marriage. At the most, he's having an affair. Neither scenario is acceptable.

Time to 180. You can read about it in one of the posts in the healing library and I have also seen it before in a few of the posts for Newbies on here. The main purpose is to help YOU but sometimes a side benefit is that the WS takes notice that you aren't consumed with what they are doing like you might have been recently.

Good luck. Try to stay calm and centered and rational. Does the OW have a spouse? I might check in with that person at some point. IMO she is a conniving bitch who has put herself into a really bad position. Women are terrible to one another, aren't they? I would never, ever do that to someone, but I guess I am more secure than OW are. Funny how we find them so threatening. In reality, they are probably more threatened by us.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jun 2013
SoAngryAndHurt
Member
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

That's is how my Hs A started. He started running with "his friend" 3 nights a week. Trust your gut. You Are probably right. By the time I realized what was going on and asked him to stop seeing her it was too late. (((Hugs))) nowadays he has no "friends" that are not friends of the marriage. Be good to yourself.


Me BW 41
Him WH 35
2 kiddos elementary school age
Married 11 years
05/20/13 let the rugsweeping & TT begin
07/01/13 finally!! The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013
Dreamland
Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)

I agree with the folks here.. my dear your instincts on spot on..
he is cheating.. emotional for sure and physical most likely.
Stay calm and hold your ground by letting him think you believe what he's told you.
The first thing to do is protect yourself and your children by getting in the right position.
Don't try to get him to tell you.. I jumped to quivkly so i wasnt able to gather info and he deleted most everything. I found out cuz the OW texted him.. He had ended so he left his phone unattended.. And I saw the text..
You need to gather information so that in the future you need it. So the best I'd a PI but many thing you can do yourself. I believe there is plenty of technology that allows you to find out what he has really been upto.
Sorry you are here.. But this is a great place to get support.
Oh and read Not Just friends.. It's will help you understand. My H is reading it now. He now sees how he didn't protect our marriage.

[This message edited by Dreamland at 12:49 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)]


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
HormonalWoman
Member
Member # 29265
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)

My wh made me believe it was me too. He succeeded in this for 2 years. He would never do that, they were just friends blah blah. I hated myself so much i even self harmed on a few occasions.

Guess what, i was spot on all along. I don;t know what changed but i just woke up one day and knew it wasn't me and kicked him out, he then confessed they had kissed.

After dd he still continued to lie and lied all through our mc minimising what had actually happened between them. So don't believe MC means he will be honest.


Together 13 yrs
BW - Me
WH - Him
3 Children
DD 20th June 2010 actual affair was early 2008 for roughly 10 wks.

Posts: 243 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
kansas1968
Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)

You are very fortunate to have found this site this early, even before confrontation. Many of us made big mistakes at the beginning because we were just in such shock at the revelation of an affair.

You can save your marriage if that is possible, but you need all the advice you can get up front. Read the healing library, get the evidence to need so when you confront him he can't lie his way out of it.

He is certainly having an emotional affair and probably a physical affair. His is justifying his behavior to himself by attacing you, saying he is unhappy, that you don't do this or that. That is all affair BS. An affair had NOTING to do with you and everthing to do with him.

You are in a position of strength right now. He is just having a fun fantasy but does not want to blow his life apart. Even though you can't afford a PI you can install a VAR in his car. They spend a lot of time on their phone with the AP in the car because it is private.
You can also install a key-logger on the PC.

Just remember that neediness and weakness will only drive them further into their fantasy. Put your bitch boots on, get tough, and snap him out of the fog.
Hugs and good luck and keep posting. K


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Topic Posts: 26