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User Topic: Profanity laden tirade
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Angry  Posted: 10:23 AM, September 20th (Friday)

The following email chain occurred between me and exH. I already know he should have clothes at his house for DS, but he doesn't, so it is what it is.

EX: When are you going to bring me his clothes

Me: Lunch time I guess.

EX: Ok thanks. I'm sorry I called so much but I needed to know since I have some errands to do. I don't know why you were ignoring me so please do better.

You know what, ex asshat?! FUCK you. You're NOT sorry you've called so much this morning. You do this regularly when you need something from me, even if what you need is tiny and non-emergent. And something else? I don't HAVE to bring you clothes. You could keep some at your house. OR, you could, I dunno, come GET them from me?! And further, FUCK YOU for telling me to "do better." Who do you think you are? My fucking dad?! You don't get to tell me to change my behavior. And you know what else? My world doesn't revolve around you. This entire exchange took place 30 minutes after you first emailed me your question. In that time, you called repeatedly, and emailed me again asking if I had gotten your original email. 30 fucking minutes. Yes, I understand you have other things to do than sit by your phone waiting on me to respond to your email. Guess what, asshole? I have other things to do than RESPOND to your email. If you want the respect you demand to be shown to you, then how about showing ME some respect? How about not treating everything YOU need like a damn emergency- blowing up my phone, calls, texts, emails repeatedly until I want to fucking SCREEEAMM!

I want SO badly to reply back to this email with a "hey stupid- stop telling me to 'do better'- it pisses me off" but I keep hearing IC in my head tell me NC NC NC! So I came here instead.

And I was in a good mood this morning.


Posts: 1254 | Registered: Feb 2010
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, September 20th (Friday)

Response: Since this seems to be a continued inconvenience, after this month, I will no longer send DS with clothing. That should give you enough time to take him shopping for clothes to keep in your home.
Thanks for doing better.

(Asshole)


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6456 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, September 20th (Friday)

Was he this demanding, and everything has to be his way, while you were married?

I'd be wary of giving in to his demands, lest you set a precedent which will be hard to break in the future.

My ex would be getting crickets from me, either that or I'd tell him to take his ass to the store and buy some. "Bring me some clothes" MY ASS!


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3364 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, September 20th (Friday)

Was he this demanding, and everything has to be his way, while you were married?

::sigh::

Yes. And it's not just me. When we were married, I watched him do this crap to others. I've seen him call people repeatedly when he doesn't reach them the first time.

The thing is, I don't MIND bringing the clothes. I really don't. It doesn't bother me one iota to take him some clothes for DS when I'm heading out that direction at lunch anyway. But I DO mind the crap he pulls every.single.time. he needs to contact me about something. It just irks me.

But what REALLY just flew all over me was the "do better" bullshit. Yeah. I'll work on that, douchecanoe.

Ugh.


Posts: 1254 | Registered: Feb 2010
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, September 20th (Friday)

Gently, he has you trained.
It isn't a matter of whether or not you mind taking the clothes during your lunch- I don't mind doing things that are essentially for my kids either. However, the fact is he expects you to do so AND has not made any moves toward manning up and providing these things himself. By continuing to provide items that he should have, the status quo will not change.

I'd cut him off, were I in your position. It stops when you say it stops.
Oh- and when he keeps calling repeatedly, IGNORE HIM.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6456 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, September 20th (Friday)

Gaby-

If I tell him to buy his own clothes for DS, he'll bitch about how I'm taking all his money in CS and he doesn't have any money to buy DS clothes. He'll tell me he'd LOVE to be able to buy DS some clothes but he can't.

So what? I send DS over there to be naked all weekend? Just to make a point to ex?

I know a lot of people who send clothes back and forth between the custodial parent and the noncustodial parent during visitation time. This is not out of the norm. It's not really about the clothes at all, but rather his attitude.

And if you think I should make a stand about DS' clothes, I just can't. I can't send him to his dad's to be naked all weekend. I won't do that to DS.


Posts: 1254 | Registered: Feb 2010
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, September 20th (Friday)

How old is your DS?

I understand its a difficult position, really I do.

By not sending clothes, your DS wont be naked. He'll have the clothing in which you sent him. XW will then have to figure out something for DS to wear. A compromise would be to send the clothing from last season to XH's house and tell him that you will not be providing clothing going forward. If he has money to date, he has money to replace a shirt or pair of pants every month or two. He's offering excuses and demands instead of trying to work with you. That is what I think you need to correct (or not give in to).

No matter what you do though, your DS knows who REALLY takes care of him.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6456 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
hangingontohope7
Member
Member # 20024
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, September 20th (Friday)

Is there a way to pack an over night bag with enough clothing for your DS that your ExH can take with him?

Both of my kiddos have a bag, which I pack with enough clothing to last them for the days that they are gone. Sometimes STBX uses the clothes, sometimes he doesn't. I don't mind sending the clothes over either. But, by using the bags, it cuts down on interaction between STBX and I.

ETA: STBX does have clothes for them at his house. So, I guess I can't really speak to the fact that your ExH refuses to buy your DS atleast a few outfits. Sorry you're dealing with this.

[This message edited by hangingontohope7 at 11:12 AM, September 20th (Friday)]


Me: BW
DDay #1 Tried R
DDAY #2 Divorcing

Burn everything love then burn the ashes.


Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2008
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, September 20th (Friday)

How does your son get transferred back and forth for visitation?
You can completely ignore him.
You just have to work out the logistics, if you feel you have to keep providing the clothes, for a weekend bag to be packed.
Your son will not go naked. He has you trained that everything will fall apart and it will be ALL your fault.
Personally I would make him dance to my tune.
You can come get them from me in the parking lot before I go to lunch, or you can come get them when you pick up DS.
Good luck. I know this is frustrating. It's also hard to get clarity when you are the person in the situation.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2263 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Cookie7088
Member
Member # 30038
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, September 20th (Friday)

EX: Ok thanks. I'm sorry I called so much but I needed to know since I have some errands to do. I don't know why you were ignoring me so please do better.

My response would be..

Thank goodness, you have some errands to do? Great. Unfortunately, my schedule changed and I can't get away...when you run out on your errand, come pick up his clothes. The bag will be waiting out on the porch for you. Thanks a million!

[This message edited by Cookie7088 at 11:39 AM, September 20th (Friday)]


Posts: 667 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: U.S.
thenon-goddess
Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, September 20th (Friday)

I'm not sure why you put up with that!? I could understand your bringing your tirade here if you were NC, but clearly you're not. I'm guessing you guys engage each other quite a bit? Personally I would put and end to that right. Now. Gabby's response was perfect, in fact, so was yours. I think it might so him some good to hear a tirade or two from you so he knows you're done putting up with his disrespectful BS, and then go NC with him. No more catering to his ass. Time to grow up for him!


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1244 | Registered: Feb 2011
million pieces
Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, September 20th (Friday)

Depending on the age of your son, go on freecycle, request bag of hand me downs for that size and send them to your ex's house. Done. I did this with my kids in the beginning, I was NOT going to pack them clothes all the time or was I going to take the few dollars that he was giving me to supply clothes for his house. He got the message very clearly and has since then bought clothes.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, September 20th (Friday)

He is using your devotion to your son against you. He knows your buttons to push since he installed them.

I know there is a thrift store in my town where I can get really good deals on clothes.

I bet you have the same. Your X knows about this too.

His "I have no money..because mean old x-spouse is stealing it from me....it is all x-spouses fault" lament is straight from the wayward handbook.

My X makes six figures and he too has no money....

This stops when you have had enough.

I know it is hard when kids are involved....but your kids are watching how you let him treat you. Really think about that.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2683 | Registered: Jan 2010
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, September 20th (Friday)

How old is your DS?
5

Is there a way to pack an over night bag with enough clothing for your DS that your ExH can take with him?
I do pack him a bag. It's just too cumbersome for him to carry while trying to accommodate his school bag. There's no guarantee he'll remember to take it with him when it's time to go to a different building for after school care.

How does your son get transferred back and forth for visitation?

He picks him up from after school care. He brings him back home to me on Sunday evenings.

I could understand your bringing your tirade here if you were NC, but clearly you're not.

We can't be totally NC since we have a child to coordinate things for. This is a strange comment. It's a snap judgment and an erroneous one at that. I responded to him one time. I did NOT respond back with the tirade above. The only thing I said is "lunch time I guess." I wrote the tirade so I wouldn't respond to him in this way. This would engage him, which is what he wants from me.

Depending on the age of your son, go on freecycle, request bag of hand me downs for that size and send them to your ex's house.
This is an excellent suggestion! Thank you!

Thank goodness, you have some errands to do? Great. Unfortunately, my schedule changed and I can't get away...when you run out on your errand, come pick up his clothes. The bag will be waiting out on the porch for you. Thanks a million!


Follow up:

I ran the clothes by his house on my way to my lunch destination. I messaged him that I was close. When I saw him come out from the house, I dropped the bag on the curb and drove off. He called me 9 times within 10 minutes afterwards and sent me the following 2 emails. I have responded to none of it.

Message 1) Can u tell me why you are acting like this. I didn't do anything to you. DS treats me the way you do and that's terrible parenting. There is no reason why you can't answer the phone I had a legit question. Do you treat (SO) this way. Please try to understand the effect the way you treat me has on DS

Message 2)And you say I'm a mean person. You have a hateful, vindictive, and vengeful heart. You are teaching DS this and I hope and pray that you pray to God for your heart to change

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 1:42 PM, September 20th (Friday)]


Posts: 1254 | Registered: Feb 2010
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, September 20th (Friday)

I know it is hard when kids are involved....but your kids are watching how you let him treat you. Really think about that.


All these issues, I'm working on in IC. Finding my voice with my verbally and emotionally abusive exH has been tough for me. I didn't have a voice while we were married, he never took personal responsibility for anything, everything was always my fault, and I was so manipulated that at least once I thought I was the one going crazy. Add in FOO and past abuse issues and my IC calls my childhood a "war zone" and thinks I might have PTSD from it all. My IC tells me it's a process and that I'm getting there, to that point where I: 1)don't engage him with things like this beyond just common courtesy answers, and 2) not accept his abuse, but she acknowledges that it takes time.

I was just venting.

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 1:58 PM, September 20th (Friday)]


Posts: 1254 | Registered: Feb 2010
thenon-goddess
Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, September 20th (Friday)

We can't be totally NC since we have a child to coordinate things for. This is a strange comment. It's a snap judgment and an erroneous one at that. I responded to him one time. I did NOT respond back with the tirade above. The only thing I said is "lunch time I guess." I wrote the tirade so I wouldn't respond to him in this way. This would engage him, which is what he wants from me.

Abby, sorry, that did come off as judgmental - I didn't mean it to be. I'm actually agry on your behalf!

I guess I assumed there was more back and forth as the first text was asking when you were bringing clothes. I admit I don't know how normal exchanges between you go, but judging by his audacity in his reply to you, I'm guess it's a common thing. I think crickets would have been the reply to his e-mail and in general it sounds like he needs to be shut down. Like Gabby had said, it's fine that you don't mind doing those kinds of things, but he is using it to his advantage to have control over you.

Have you ever let him have it over the way he treats you? Not just play nice, but make it clear that you are no longer his wife and he is not your father and he doesn't have the right to act that way and when he does, he will be met with....crickets? Maybe he would benefit from being set straight before you resume NC.

Oh, and I do understand that with kids there can't be full NC. But there doesn't have to be much back and forth either. He clearly feeds off of that - it seems like he's looking for any reason he can find to have to message you so that he can keep himself inserted right in the middle of your life. Sorry you are dealing with such a jerk.


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1244 | Registered: Feb 2011
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, September 20th (Friday)

Abby, sorry, that did come off as judgmental - I didn't mean it to be. I'm actually agry on your behalf!

I'm sorry too. I'm wound up and I took it wrong.

There's very little back and forth. There's a LOT of "forth" from him but very little "back" from me. I respond to him only when I absolutely have to. The above excerpted conversation was not part of a larger chain of conversation. That was literally all we said.

I just came here to get it out. To vent. To purge it so that I didn't engage him. That's what he wants.


Posts: 1254 | Registered: Feb 2010
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, September 20th (Friday)

Have you ever let him have it over the way he treats you? Not just play nice, but make it clear that you are no longer his wife and he is not your father and he doesn't have the right to act that way and when he does, he will be met with....crickets? Maybe he would benefit from being set straight before you resume NC.

Yes. I have. It perpetuated the problem. It gave him opportunity to malign me and verbally abuse me even more than he tries to now.

He clearly feeds off of that - it seems like he's looking for any reason he can find to have to message you so that he can keep himself inserted right in the middle of your life.

You're absolutely right. It might not seem like it, but today, I was in control.

He doesn't care how I feel. He doesn't care about upsetting me. I'm not going to be able to figure him out or change him. I can only do what I'm capable of, which is being in control of myself. I can engage him but only on my terms, which I did today. My IC would've counted today a win. I count today a win.


Posts: 1254 | Registered: Feb 2010
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, September 20th (Friday)

Message 1) Can u tell me why you are acting like this. I didn't do anything to you. DS treats me the way you do and that's terrible parenting. There is no reason why you can't answer the phone I had a legit question. Do you treat (SO) this way. Please try to understand the effect the way you treat me has on DS

Message 2)And you say I'm a mean person. You have a hateful, vindictive, and vengeful heart. You are teaching DS this and I hope and pray that you pray to God for your heart to change

Hey abbycadabby,

He's an arsehole. I think that totally sums it up. You did a good job not responding anymore than you had to.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1983 | Registered: Jan 2013
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, September 20th (Friday)

Thank you pass!

Posts: 1254 | Registered: Feb 2010
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, September 20th (Friday)

I dropped the bag on the curb and drove off. He called me 9 times within 10 minutes afterwards and sent me the following 2 emails. I have responded to none of it.
You rocked that!


It might not seem like it, but today, I was in control.

He doesn't care how I feel. He doesn't care about upsetting me. I'm not going to be able to figure him out or change him. I can only do what I'm capable of, which is being in control of myself. I can engage him but only on my terms, which I did today. My IC would've counted today a win. I count today a win.

I agree, especially given the past abuse and FOO that you've experienced and are getting help with in IC.
Winning!!!


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6456 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, September 20th (Friday)

Thanks Gaby!


Posts: 1254 | Registered: Feb 2010
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, September 20th (Friday)

I love the idea of using freecycle to get a wardrobe to leave at dad's house. It allows you to provide for your son and puts an end to ONE reason he uses to contact/berate you. Not that he won't come up with other stupid stuff to accuse you.....

Great job!

And (((hugs))) for having to parent with one of the lower muppets.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5841 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, September 20th (Friday)

And (((hugs))) for having to parent with one of the lower muppets.

This made me lol! Thank you for the hugs.

Not that he won't come up with other stupid stuff to accuse you

This is the absolute truth. If it wasn't the clothes issue, he'd seize upon something else to berate/harass me over. That's why I said it's not really about the clothes.


Posts: 1254 | Registered: Feb 2010
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, September 20th (Friday)

I understand a bit of what you are going through because I went through something like it too, with a NPD-FT.

I am 6 years from DD and 5 from divorce, and this is the first year I have felt unshackled from it all. He pulled an arsehole maneuver a few days ago (kids are 18 and 16) and it just bounced off me.

I had to learn to never feed the monster and to not let his accusations of poor mothering and parental alienation phase me at all nor the character assination. It is pure projection aimed to get a response from me.

It was really hard for me when my kids were younger and I actually hurt myself a lot by interacting with him due to the kids as it did no good, and made it WORSE for the kids.

I know my reality. I know I make some mistakes but nothing like he portrays. He is also delusional and his retelling of recent events is nothing like what really happened...it is really odd.

You are doing great. It does take time and a tough skin. You will survive and thrive.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 6:35 PM, September 20th (Friday)]


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2683 | Registered: Jan 2010
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, September 20th (Friday)

Thank you Chrysalis. That means a lot. I do well for the most part. But overall, I didn't engage!!!!!!!! I'm excited about that most. Even amidst the accusations and harassment, I didn't break down and defend myself. That just opens the door to invite in more drama. And it feeds his nonsense. He's not diagnosed as NPD, but it wouldn't surprise me one bit if he has it.

Posts: 1254 | Registered: Feb 2010
fallingquickly
Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, September 20th (Friday)

What I am getting from this is that he expects you to take care of your son's needs while he has custody. He has you washing the clothes and bringing them to him. He needs to take responsibility for your son's needs while he is with him. Pick up some clothes from a second hand place or somewhere inexpensive, Walmart or Target or whatever you have where you live. If it's just the weekends then he will need two changes of clothes plus the ones he goes in. Whatever clothes he wears home from Dad's house, wash and return him in them the next week. Your XH needs to take responsibility for having his son's clothes clean and ready for the next visit.


Me-BW 50
Him-STBXWH

2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, September 20th (Friday)

Abby, this kind of crap just pisses me off. NOT at you or how you are handling it.....but at your x. *climbing up on soapbox and shouting at your x*..."This is your child. Please do NOT make him feel like a *visitor* in your home! Have the basic necessities there for him (clothes, toiletries, toys) so that the kid feels as if he *belongs* there!" (sorry, Abby. Your situation touched the *my kid's are hobo's* nerve.....)

Your X's behavior is unacceptable and unless you want to spend the next 13 years having to *jump* when HE says so, you need to get this reined in now.

If I tell him to buy his own clothes for DS, he'll bitch about how I'm taking all his money in CS

One of the best things that I gathered from my IC was the use of *so what*. Here's what it looks like: "so what" if he bitches about it?" The reasoning is because of the emotional abuse that you described. And as someone mentioned, your ex has you trained to *solve* his problems for him and that just isn't your job anymore.

AFAIK, child support is equalized between the parents based on the placement schedule. Just because he is paying you child support doesn't mean that YOU are expected to provide *all things* for said child. You are being paid the amount of child support required in order to care for your child for the amount of time that *you* have him.

Your x is jerking your chain, taking advantage of you....and you are allowing it to happen. I *get* that it is a difficult body of water to navigate because you want to make sure that your son is provided for....but (as pass said).....your ex is an asshole. (as evidenced by those texts that he sent after you so graciously went out of your way to drop your kids clothes off at his house).

You seem reticent to tell your ex to buy his kid some clothes to keep at his house (and I understand that anxiety), so YES. Look on FreeCycle. Hit garage sales. Ask you friends/neighbors for hand-me downs. Whatever. But gather up a small wardrobe to send over to ex's house with a note saying "here are some clothes to keep at your place for our kid so that he isn't having to lug around a backpack AND a suitcase on his weekends with you." (and mutter under your breath "fucking douche" as an ending).

It will always be SOMETHING with this guy. Work to inure yourself from his jabs. Develop a "what-ever" attitude.

And good job on stopping the engagement with him.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8023 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, September 21st (Saturday)

Abby, my kids were little hobos lugging stuff to dads. At first it was because they didn't have room at dads to store stuff. Then it was because they are fashionistas and dad is not fashion sense( and OW has slut taste in clothes). It was my kids choice to haul stuff back and forth.

My XH and OW/NW would hate if my kids were not dressed nicely. They view my kids as an extension of themselves. Most parents view kids as a reflection. The dynamic dou of dysfunction view their children as an extension of themselves. They would never let my kids go naked on their time- by extension then XH /NW would also be naked. Just like when one of my kids gets an award he is there getting congratulations and attaboy pats on the back-you would have thought HE did all the work for DD's award. In his extension NPD mind her work is his work, so yes he did the work -by proxy.

If your x is similarly inclined you may be dealing with NPD.

PS good for you for working to break the chains of his control!!! With each step it gets easier.

Hugs,
K



I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5160 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, September 21st (Saturday)

I understand your frustrations I am in the same position, my xwh is classic NPD. I pick my battles. Sometimes it's easier to ignore the game playing other times I want to bite but stop myself. I provide all clothing for my children when they are in his care for a number of reasons.

Lets just say the xwh & ow don't keep a clean house, they don't wash clothes very regularly or take care of anything really.

The ex refuses to wash and iron the kids clothes claims they are big enough to do it themselves, they were 7 & 10 at the time we split. Or they were returned half washed/half dirty had no idea what was clean or dirty. Clothes were not being returned. They would take their shoes and not return them.
At one stage the OW took oldest DS shopping brought him gangster type clothes and the kid is the polar opposite The kid hated it. The youngest ds is on the autism spectrum, he has sensory issues and prefers certain types of clothes so it's easier for me to buy the ones he likes and will wear. They also have no understanding of his issues and provide no support to him.
I only do it because it makes my kids more comfortable. Sure it's making life pretty easy for xwh & ow that they get to have all the 'fun' parenting time but at the end of the day if my kids are more comfortable they are happier and they are well aware what mum does for them.

My kids are old enough now they pack their own bags. But they pack only 2 sets of clothes, pj's and underwear and one pair of shoes.

Can you get the pick up location changed to your home? My kids & I insisted on this as they refused to take their bag of clothes to school and look like hobos.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1347 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

Sometimes it's easier to ignore the game playing other times I want to bite but stop myself. I provide all clothing for my children when they are in his care for a number of reasons.

I do the same. My kids lived like hobos when they stayed with him (which so far has only been 2 nights a week during this past summer vacation). I packed their clothes and they returned with them dirty and in trashbags (minus the 3 times he washed them and then threw them in trashbags unfolded). They even slept on the living room floor in sleeping bags.

They don't feel like their dads home is theirs for obvious reasons. That POS fought with me when I told him to provide toothbrushes and towels! He claimed he didn't have enough room for 3 extra towels.

He doesn't think about anyone's feelings but his own. Ever! He has ZERO f*cks to give about whether our kids feel comfortable and at home at his place. It's the way his twisted NPD brain works.

abbycadabby- I would probably get the same stupid excuses if I told him to buy clothes for them. The jackass doesn't get that providing what his children need for his home is a part of being a parent. He never has had to be a parent because I did it all when we were together. They have absolutely nothing at his home except for the toothbrushes and towels he reluctantly bought for them because I told him I was packing them anymore no matter what he said.

I understand your reluctance to respond because even though I don't give a shit what my ex thinks, it's just not worth the effort it would take. EVERYTHING is met with resistance when it comes to him doing anything he hasn't offered to do without prompting. Hearing his sob story of how broke he is because of CS/SS, how he has $50 a month for food and how I don't understand how hard he has it...blah blah blah..it's just not worth it. Every conversation we have, no matter the topic, he uses as an opportunity to vent and/or portray himself as a victim. It's incredibly draining. Having one less reason to contact him or hear another woe-is-me tale from him was worth packing 3 bags every week!


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)

To me, this isn't so much about the clothes as it is about the way he treats you, and how he expects you, and the whole world for that matter, to drop everything and honor his wishes. He's very entitled, and he sounds like a narcissist to me. His text/email to you sounds exactly like the ones that my XWH will send to me, but he gets crickets from me, always. I never engage, because he feeds off of it.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3364 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)

It might be good to have your lawyer send him a letter regarding his harrassing behavior.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49480 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, September 23rd (Monday)

What I am getting from this is that he expects you to take care of your son's needs while he has custody.

Or they were returned half washed/half dirty had no idea what was clean or dirty.

I packed their clothes and they returned with them dirty and in trashbags (minus the 3 times he washed them and then threw them in trashbags unfolded).

Yes to the above. I send clothes clean and neatly folded in a bag. I get clothes back in trash bags, dirty and thrown in. Even wet swim trunks have been returned to me, wet, wadded up in a bag. OR, he'll wad them up all together and I'll have no idea what is clean or what's dirty so I end up washing it ALL. The point is that in his mind, I am responsible for this. He's returned all clean clothes maybe once in 2 years' time. We've been separated since Oct. 2011 and divorced since Oct. 2012. Except for a brief period when he lost visitation (due to an arrest for malice- road rage incident) he's had visitation and the clothes thing has been consistently my responsibility.

Just because he is paying you child support doesn't mean that YOU are expected to provide *all things* for said child. You are being paid the amount of child support required in order to care for your child for the amount of time that *you* have him.

This is true. However, HE thinks he should dictate how I spend the CS money by virtue of the fact that he's paying it. Now, I don't care what he thinks until he starts harrassing me about it and I told him then that I don't owe him an accounting of how I spend any of my money.

To me, this isn't so much about the clothes as it is about the way he treats you, and how he expects you, and the whole world for that matter, to drop everything and honor his wishes. He's very entitled, and he sounds like a narcissist to me.

I agree. I stated earlier in the thread that this is NOT about clothes. I also agree that he sounds like a narcissist. It seems that people only exist to him as extensions of him and not as their own separate entities. Idk if that makes sense or not, but for instance, DS is five y.o. He doesn't like to talk on the phone. His dad insists on talking to him 3 times a day, and has gotten angry and DS for not wanting to talk to him. He gets all bent out of shape when DS doesn't talk to him and has asked him
"why are you being ugly to daddy," etc, and has even cried on the phone to DS. He tells me that I'm teaching him to be disrespectful of people's feelings because I don't make him talk on the phone. But I counter that he's showing him disrespect in forcing him to talk when he doesn't want to. Idk. It's hard. I've gotten to where when he starts that I hang up on him and turn the phone on silent now.

It might be good to have your lawyer send him a letter regarding his harrassing behavior.

This is an EXCELLENT idea, and I'm sorry I didn't think of this obvious solution on my own.

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 10:26 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]


Posts: 1254 | Registered: Feb 2010
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, September 23rd (Monday)

DS is five y.o. He doesn't like to talk on the phone. His dad insists on talking to him 3 times a day, and has gotten angry and DS for not wanting to talk to him. He gets all bent out of shape when DS doesn't talk to him and has asked him "why are you being ugly to daddy," etc, and has even cried on the phone to DS. He tells me that I'm teaching him to be disrespectful of people's feelings because I don't make him talk on the phone. But I counter that he's showing him disrespect in forcing him to talk when he doesn't want to.

Nip this shit in the bud. This is emotional abuse.

One goodnight phone call per day for as long as the child wants to talk. End of story.

My big girl is 5.5 and I can't imagine how stressed out she would be if she was forced to talk to either of us 3 times a day let alone if she was berated for doing what 5 year olds do.

Sometimes she wants to talk - other times she wants to play. I ask her to at least say goodnight to me (or to him if she's calling him).

There is no benefit to your son from these calls. Put his feelings here first - he is the important one, not X.

He is using these phone calls as a way of pushing your buttons and to keep you entangled in his web. It stops when you say it stops.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5572 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

When you talk to the lawyer about the clothes ask that he add in the one good night phone call in his letter as well. Don't make the mistake I did, give him a half hour window to make that phone call. I didn't and XH would call after bedtime wanting to talk to the kids. Had his lawyer send threatening letters regarding my alienating the kids from him...put the time in. My suggestion is one hour to a half hour before bedtime. That way DS has an opportunity to calm down before bedtime.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5160 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 36