SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: if it didnt work
scream
Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, September 20th (Friday)

I know many BSs have made security plans just in case R didn't work or if their WS had backslid again. I know that is probably a smart move. Considering the subject of this site. I wonder if there are or were any WSs that also prepard themselves for that possiblity? I think it makes some sense to plan. I just can't bring myself to go there. I still have so much hope.

Posts: 290 | Registered: Aug 2012
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, September 20th (Friday)

Nope. I was balls to the wall pro-healing. Never made a single plan in the event of the great split. And had he been done, I would have been royally screwed. Stay at home mom, no degree. The best I would have done would have been a cardboard box as home, with McD''s as a job because I sure wouldn''t have added insult to injury by going after CS or alimony. I refused to entertain the idea of "what if" no matter how scary or uncertain our future was.

As it is, he let me stay.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6315 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
scream
Member
Member # 36506
Evil  Posted: 8:16 PM, September 20th (Friday)

Thanks. I'm not sure if this is the right place for this? But I would like BS and WS thoughts. I guess I just refuse to go to that place. I can't really let myself. I'm not trying to piss off any BSs. Just wondering what everybody thinks

Posts: 290 | Registered: Aug 2012
GraceRunner
New Member
Member # 39856
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, September 20th (Friday)

I'm a WS. I am mostly a SAHM but do run a small part-time business. After DDAY my BH pulled all our money out of our joint account and put it in a personal account. I felt completely financially at his mercy. I did not want to stay in a marriage for the sake of financial security - so at that point I decided to either get a job or grow my business just so I would have the mental freedom to feel like I was making a choice for our marriage and not out of fear of being destitute. I didn't make any firm plans as far as putting money aside or looking into housing. I believe you can have hope and also have a backup plan. For me, having backup plans remove fears of the unknown and help me feel like I can make decisions from a solid place.


Me - FWW, 38
Him - BS, 42
Married 15 years
2 young daughters
4 month EA/PA, DDAY 10/12

Posts: 39 | Registered: Jul 2013
scream
Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, September 20th (Friday)

I don't want this post to sound like I'm looking for help or ideas on how to leave. I'm not going anywhere. I'm wondering and the 2 replies are on the money. Have you thought about it? Did you have a plan? And I do understand why BSs do. Is it something WSs should do? I don't have one and haven't thought of one. My IC even asked me once what not being together would look like? All I said was I would have to find some place to go. I don't ever wanna be away from teach

Posts: 290 | Registered: Aug 2012
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, September 20th (Friday)

Is it something WSs should do?
I dunno man. This is kind of a quick-sandy area and of course depends on the sitch.

I'm sure there are those that would say, "Well duh you stayed Aub. You had zero escape." And I think some people in my position would stay strictly for financial security. That actually wasn't a factor for me. All I knew was I needed to get healthy and stop fucking my husband over.

If a WS has a plan and exit strategy "should things not work", it just kinda smacks of foot out the door. And wasn't that kind of what our As were? One foot in the marriage, the other out the door.

Then again, if a BS and WS have their own financial security and money's not an issue, then finances can't be an "excuse" for either individual to be swayed for R.

So again, I guess it depends on the couple and the situation.

Also, I've never technically been alone. Went straight from my parents home to my husbands. For a long time, I didn't think that I could ever be alone. But then life kicked in and my husband started working away from home more and more. Less hours here with us. And there are alot of times, I'm alone. Previously, that terrified me. But now, I'm ok with it. And I've found, even in the deafening silence, I'm ok.

That deafening silence is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because in those quiet times, I've done my deepest soul searching. A curse because I want to share my life with QS and he's not here. Should life lead us to the "Alone Path", I know that I could walk it.

I understand that being married to a workaholic isn't exactly the same as literally being alone. But there are days I think it's close enough.

Dunno if that answers the question. I'm kind of rambly.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6315 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
scream
Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, September 21st (Saturday)

I think that's kind of how I look at it. It is one foot out in the wrong direction. I don't think having a plan is right. Maybe having a thought of what your life would be like is where we should be going. Life with out your BS. How would you feel? The thought of not having Teach hurts more than I can put into words. Could I walk that path if I had to? I could. Point is I don't want to. I hope she doesn't either. I don't want to be without her.

Posts: 290 | Registered: Aug 2012
Kierst13
Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, September 21st (Saturday)

I did have a plan after DDay#1 and I'm forever thankful I did. Having a plan doesn't not work against your ability to R. It is like insurance, it's only there if you need it.

I pulled half of our liquid monies and put them in an account in my name only, and I had my WS blessing to do so. I didn't bother with a post-nup as they are not given much weight in my state.

I am a BS, but I think WS should also make plans because you never know if a BS will keep you and they have every right not to.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, September 21st (Saturday)

I wonder if there are or were any WSs that also prepard themselves for that possiblity?

XH D'd me after he found out about my A, so I lived that possibility.

Going forward: we are in R now, but plan to never put myself in a position where I don't have a plan just in case. There are no guarantees in life.

I think everyone should have a plan to take care of themselves should the need arise, whether male, female, BS, WS. Dependence of any kind, to any one, is scary and puts you in a disadvantageous position. This goes for emotional as well as financial dependence.

Just my (jaded) opinion.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried.


Posts: 2232 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Topic Posts: 9