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User Topic: Showing restraint
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

H left today to go away for the night with the guys. I'm home with DS and I went to see my sister in a race. On the way home I was SO tempted to drive to OW house. The only thing that kept me from doing it was DS sleeping in the back seat.

When will I stop hating her? Wanting to confront her and tell her all the nasty things I think about her?? Don't get me wrong, I'm pissed at H too but at least he realizes what he did was wrong and is trying to be better. She really thinks she did nothing wrong.

Ugh, I just want her out of our lives and out of my head. I know if I confronted her it would make me feel better, feel strong. But for how long? There are way more reasons not to do it so I won't.

Does anyone have any advice??

[This message edited by AML04 at 12:15 PM, September 21st (Saturday)]


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

OPs can take up a lot of head space for people for a long time.

Others don't generally recommend this and it is risky, but meeting with OW totally released the real estate she had in my brain. I was calm, cool, collected, distant, non-chalant. Watching her try to apologize, tell me her sad story and so on - I walked away with the thought of, "Jesus, WH? Really? Her?" She was not worthy of my time/thoughts any longer. I had her built up to be some sort of amazing person (despite having an A) because she attracted my WH, who has generally picked pretty cool people to associate with.

But the OW could also ignore you..or yell at you...or who knows what. All things that could cause her to take up MORE space in your head.

When I have obsessive thoughts (not necessarily A-related), I literally tell myself to shut up, to stop it. I'll even say it out loud. My IC says obsessive thoughts aren't always counteracting by deep breathing or calming thoughts (which I had tried) but, rather, you have to get angry at them. It has been working wonderfully for me. Pep talking myself right out of negative thoughts and verbalizing how worthless they are.

But also understand that obsessive thoughts are a healthy part of the healing process. You have to have that balance of allowing your mind to go there if it wants to - but not allowing them to take over or linger forever.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

Thanks so much for your response Rocky. I'll try telling myself to shut up when I start obsessing and it's not an appropriate time to be able to process it. Maybe it will help release my anger too!

I have thought about all the possible outcomes of confronting her and none other than her being a sniveling mess would give me any relief. I know that won't happen so I'm better off letting sleeping sluts lie


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

I have found it very helpful to write letters or emails (that I do NOT send) expressing my hurt, anger, and disappointment with the AP. I don't send them because I know that there is no response they can give me that will help me. I just need to get the thoughts out of my head and onto paper. (A nice ceremonial burning of the letter is nice too!)

I did meet with one of my STBXH's APs, but she was also my BFF of 30+ years. I also wanted to hear her side of things since STBXH wasn't very forthcoming with the truth. It was a unique situation, and I haven't spoken to her since. She was very sorry and apologetic, and you know what? It didn't make me feel better at all.

Considering the odds of an AP being remorseful are slim to none, and the fact that it doesn't help even if they are, you are better off putting that energy into your R and your DS.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1859 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

Thanks Gemini. I wrote her a couple letters in the beginning. I should start doing that again.

OW was a coworker/friend of my H. We let her into our life, she visited us in the hospital after DS was born and took a lot of our family pics. I can't even imagine what it would be like if she was my BFF. I'm so sorry :(


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Topic Posts: 5