User Topic: One year in and a sudden need to know
Member # 35803
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)

H and I have been working on R for one year now and we are about 16 months out since the start of the A. Over the past week or so I have been having terrible movies playing in my mind about the way they were together in casual ways as well as intimate ways. I have been having this strong desire to want to know every little detail about it all. I don't understand why all of a sudden I would want to know to the point where it is driving me a little nutty.
I know that if I really did know all of the details that it would make me feel bad but I just wonder why it is now that it has been so long do I really need to know.
Anyone else ever want to know the dirty details and if you did find out how did it make you feel?

BS- 35
married 11 years together 17
DD- 5/27/12
He walked out on me and the girls 5/26/12
Recovery started 9/15/12

Hoping for Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom!!!!

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: New York
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)

I got every single detail, and I don't regret it at all. In my mind I pictured this friendship, and passion but it wasn't like that. I believe FWH because he has been brutally honest. It made it easier for me to understand, and helped ease my mind movies a bit. It did give me a few more triggers but I am still glad I have asked everything.

Posts: 278 | Registered: Sep 2012
New Member
Member # 39029
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)

This is happening to me to and im 18 months out. i chose not to ask the details because its all i know ill think about. sometimes i wish i had... i know enough i guess. I get where your coming from, it sucks to have to deal with any of it and not fair. I just wish it would all go away! Does get better

Posts: 43 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: torn2pieces
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)

It could be that you are just ready to hear more, or you could be testing yourself somehow.

Are you feeling the urge to leave and looking for ammunition?

My inclination would be to hear a little of what you want to know and see how it goes. You can't unlearn things, and while some say that mind movies get better the more you know, some say the exact opposite.

me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.

Posts: 2063 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)

My desire to know everything stemmed from my need to process my WH disgusting A. I felt as if I would not be able to make a rational decision, I would not be able to move forward in R if I did not have the facts.

I knew that my questions and concerns would never go away. Even now, 3yrs out, the only questions that pop up are ones that I never got answers to or never believed the answer.

Fortunately, I was relentless and willing to hear it all during those early days of discovery.

I think it is much like suppressing your emotions, it does not make it go away but often makes it worse. Get it out, work through it, and move forward.

You are right, knowing all of the details would make you feel bad but not knowing may keep you in a world of wonder.

ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2123 | Registered: Nov 2011
New Member
Member # 38073
Angry  Posted: 9:59 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)

I can appreciate the sudden need to know. I'm at 9 months in and I too suddenly need to know every detail. I recently gave my WW 50 questions to help divulge all info she can remember about their relationship. I believe my need to know is to help combat the resurgence of mind movies that have returned with a vengeance I have asked for everything from conversation and text info to the details of their 2 encounters.

Me: BS
Kids: 17 /18
Married 19 years
D-Day: 12/7/2012
Full story: 2/12/2013

Posts: 28 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: NC
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)

2 yrs 4 mos 12 days out, & still don't have all the pieces to the puzzle.
Part of the time I think, it doesn't matter if I don't know all the details, but the rest of the time, I think that not knowing is preventing me from moving on.
If it was, as WH says, "just sex",& he didn't plan to have a future with her, then, why wasn't he able to just walk away/cut it off immediatly with her after Dday, when I said that if he wanted R he had to stop all contact.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 10:25 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

I am two months in and have felt this way from the beginning. It is driving me bonkers. My IC says I do NOT want the nitty gritty details because it will be embedded in my brain forever. But I still want to know who suggested it and if it was him. :( And why. All he will say is that he has to go to a counselor to figure out why. Gah!

BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
Topic Posts: 8