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User Topic: OK - Now I'm Pissed...Please Help!
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, September 23rd (Monday)

I just need someone to tell me that I am very pissed right now - very hurt - feeling very hopeless, and I should just let it go for now.

My husband and I are sending negative emails and texts back and forth. Now, because I "took my son's side" in a situation last night, he has cut off his phone.

Passive aggressive much??????

I need to just disengage RIGHT NOW!!! Right? Before I say something that is truly cruel and non-productive. RIGHT???


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
sportsfan
Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, September 23rd (Monday)

Maybe jump in your car - take a long ride with no destination - leave your cell phone behind?

Posts: 1970 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, September 23rd (Monday)

I am so very angry - despondent even. So to keep from texting or emailing ugly things to my husband, I will just write here. Whether anyone reads this whole mess, at least it will keep me from corresponding with him.

Here is my situation. (Actually just part of it!)

Currently, I have seen about 5-10% from my WH of showing remorse and being proactive to heal us after his infidelity.

One of our children is in alternative school after an issue with drugs which got him expelled from his regular school.

Our oldest is a mess - all kinds of FAS and genetic issues.

My husband is "angry" with us all, all the time - or at least it feels that way.

One other child tries to stay busy and doesn't say much.

They do not know about the infidelity.

I see the anger and fussing and it is pulling me apart. All of them think it is all about them and they are the victim...especially my WH.

They all have real reasons to be so emotionally cripple. I love them all.

I am so tired of being put in the middle that sometimes I think I might be literally pullled apart.

Several times a day this feeling (I think physical and emotional in nature) comes over my body. It is so hard to describe. It is like every nerve in my body is on overdrive. It isn't like tingling or sharp nerve pain like a pinched nerve - but a tremendous ache. I feel like if someone were to touch me I would scream.

I told my husband about it the other day - he said, "I'm sorry." It seemed nice at the time, but now I say shove your "I'm sorry" up your butt!

I want to see actions - actions that SHOW me that he can focus his attention FOR ONCE on the pain that other are feeling - not just himself.

I am so glad he is not here. I'm afraid I'm going to chip a tooth I am gritting my teeth so hard.

I have put my phone away as it applies to him. NO more texts. And the only reason I have not turned off my computer is so I can talk to all of you.

Amazing how that can keep me from ... well, whatever comes after batshit crazy!


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, September 23rd (Monday)

Wow you are not batshit crazy.. You have just reached a stopping point. Time to sit and refocus!

#1 don't get caught up in WS drama. Go get a pre paid phone for son.

#2 You need to get into counseling for you. Someone in the real world that can help you make a good solid judgement for you and your children.

Yes I had that same feeling 'cept mine felt like every nerve in body was just pulled tight and any second they were all going to snap! Not a good feeling..

Go take a nice brisk walk after you go buy that son his cell phone. Don't engage with spouse on anything negative he talks negative just ignore him. Do not reply till it is positive.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, September 23rd (Monday)

WR, I'm so sorry. I hate to say this, but could he be at it again? This is how my fwh treated us during his 4yrs with mow. Angry, angry, angry.

If he has never dealt with this, and rug-swept it, he hasn't learned anything. And, no wonder at all that you are pissed. I'm guessing you've been pissed since 4/2012?

I'm not sure he's done much to heal you and sure isn't right now.
You have to make up your mind on the kind of life you want to lead. He no longer gets to call any shots. This takes courage and strength, and let me tell you, it is inside of you. You need to tap into the strong woman you are, and kick some fwh ass, frankly. Are you ready to do that?
It is what saved my marriage. My marriage, my terms. Period.
He made choices for me, and quite personally, I didn't much care for them when I found out 4 years later. If he wanted to stay, my way or the highway as they say!


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
katola1
Member
Member # 26544
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, September 23rd (Monday)

Not sure of your situation but everyone has an opinion and you have to listen and calmly discuss things even if you want to ring the WS neck! (Don't).Otherwise you'll grow old very fast. So, slow down.
Breath and get space if you have to. I find if I just go off somewhere and cool down, things blow over. Not worth your health.


D-Day Beginnig Dec 09
BH

Posts: 210 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
Silentthoughts
Member
Member # 40289
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, September 23rd (Monday)

Is there anything that you can do RIGHT now to let out some of the anger? Exercise, punch a pillow.. I don't know what works for you. Responding to his anger with your own wont fix anything, but fwiw I know how hard it is to not respond in kind. Do you like to read? That soothes me when I am out of control angry. I love to read fiction but The self help book, high conflict couple by Alan fruzzetti is starting to really help me communicate better. Also nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg might really help you when dealing with your family. No matter what you decide to do in regard to your marriage, working on you and learning better ways to communicate will help with your kids. Take care of yourself.

[This message edited by Silentthoughts at 11:53 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]


WW - early 50s (me)
BH - late 40s
3 grown children
Married 25 years
Online cyber sex dec 2010. I got caught late dec 2010. Lying and TT until full disclosure jan 2011.
In R we both are committed to staying in this M.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Aug 2013
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

You have to make up your mind on the kind of life you want to lead. He no longer gets to call any shots. This takes courage and strength, and let me tell you, it is inside of you. You need to tap into the strong woman you are, and kick some fwh ass, frankly. Are you ready to do that?
It is what saved my marriage. My marriage, my terms. Period.
He made choices for me, and quite personally, I didn't much care for them when I found out 4 years later. If he wanted to stay, my way or the highway as they say!

Oh this^^^100%

You have to stand up for you and your son and not give a rats ass what he has to say as it seems PA to me too. My WH acts this way too. I now stop it before it begins and I never let him go on longer than necessary. I will walk away if my WH is yelling at me and I will remind him to speak lower to the kids as he never sees them that often.

It does take courage and strength and an almost I don't give a fuck anymore attitude.

This is YOUR life, live it the way YOU want to for YOU and YOUR son.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

During R (which turned out to be false here), one thing that I noticed was that there was no time or the proverbial "space" for me to heal from all that I was learning and there was pressure from X to simply get over it without having to mention it...yet I am not built that way, with built in rug sweeping mechanisms, as he is. So this didn't work for me.

Parts of many puzzle pieces burst into outer space and my mind and my heart were split, so that for me, the feelings you describe were my heart, mind and soul being ripped apart from each other without help to heal.

I apologize for the dramatics, but it's hard to function when each piece of your being is separated in that way and it would make me feel like I couldn't stand being in my own skin, at times.

I'm glad that you're working to cut off the contact. We are divorcing but had some of this recently in other subjects (money) and I did the same thing that you are working on, the disengaging. It's kind of like trying to "work" with a kid when they're mad and they just spout off.

So my long-winded reply is to say that you aren't alone in this new quest and I think you're doing the right thing. Before you say something that can't be taken back and could be used against you.

If your WH is passive aggressive, he could be like X and store things like negative remarks as a squirrel stores acorns and then use them when he thinks he needs ammo. Those are some of the passive aggressive traits here-to avoid conflict if nearby physically and then let me have it through electronic means, if I choose to read it.

There was a comment made to me once that helped concerning PA behavior that I'll close with, where someone likened it to playground bullying-I couldn't disagree.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

fourever...

I'm not sure where the 4/2012 date came from. My husband's infidelity was 7 years ago.

Of course, none of us know if they are 'up to no good' again - not really. But I have no indication of it.

He REALLY needs counseling for FOO issues (his father was SATAN), for his disability, for the infidelity. He is a mess, I am a mess.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

He REALLY needs counseling for FOO issues (his father was SATAN), for his disability, for the infidelity. He is a mess, I am a mess.

It's beyond my comprehension why you actively encourage him to seek IC, but refuse the same for yourself.

If you're a mess, please consider IC.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Topic Posts: 11