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User Topic: I did it, I sent the letter to OW
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Target  Posted: 2:33 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

I found out today that WH had lunch with OW and 2 others today. He still works with her and has vowed that he would keep it strictly "business only". Also, after continuous lies over 3 months after d-day that ended with me kicking him out for a week, he seemed to finally get the full transparency thing, I was CLEAR about it 1000 times.

Out of the blue, my gut told me to track his phone, which, btw, I hadn't done in about a week. Low and behold he's at a restaurant with her and 2 others from work for a birthday lunch. Did he mention one effing word about it?? NO! Would he ever have mentioned it? I think we all know the answer to that.

I seriously lost my mind. I am still shaking like a leaf, full on chest pains, thankfully the sobbing has stopped. Then I got mad and said eff this. Why am I tippy toeing around them??? So, I did it. I sent my fantasy letter that I wrote to her 2 weeks ago. I warned WH that I was going to, he didn't believe me. I cc'd him. Neither one of them are happy, and I don't give a rat's ass.

Go ahead, tell me how stupid it was, but I've effing had it.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (48) 10 years, together 15
D-Day 6.8.13
D-Day #2 9.6.13 Broken NC/TT
D-Day #3 10.23.13 "Full Disclosure"
WH having PA with MW coworker 3.13-6.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Here's the letter, it's long so don't feel you have to read, just posting for anyone who is curious:

It’s been exactly 114 days since I learned how many orgasms my husband gave you. Like a fool I really thought I would get a much deserved apology from you by now, but I guess that’s not how you roll. I mistakenly thought you had a heart and a soul, maybe even some empathy, but clearly you don’t have any of those things. I mean, who goes after another woman’s husband? And not just any nameless unknown woman, but a woman who has had you to her home for dinner, a woman who trusted you with her children. A woman who has given you gifts, shared recipes, a woman who liked you and considered you a friend. A woman who attended your wedding and wished you well despite just learning of the sexting that was going on between you and my husband just a month before. Man, you really pulled the wool over my eyes back then didn’t you? Did it feel good to fool me like that? Were you relieved that I believed your lies? Let me quote a particularly interesting section of your message to me from back then… “Like i said earlier, nothing has ever happened or ever would happen. I can swear on my mothers life that is the 100% truth.” (btw, I cut and pasted that, the typos are all yours) I’m curious, has your mother dropped dead yet?

As a fellow mother I have to ask how on earth you could do this to your child and to my children, whom adored you by the way, not that they were ANY consideration to you. Not anymore though, you are a danger to them now, you are a bad person. What kind of mother are you? You are the kind of mother that feels that getting some thrills from another woman’s husband is more important than her child’s safe happy home life. Sex with my husband was more important than your child’s well-being. I guess she comes second to your need to get off on my husband. I bet you couldn’t wait to get back to work after maternity leave to get it on with my husband again. You just couldn’t wait, could you? You gambled with your daughter’s life, her safe have, the comfort of having an intact family, and you lost. Actually, sadly, it’s your daughter and my daughter and son who really lost the most in all of this, tell me, was it worth it? Was it worth destroying an 8 and 6 year old’s happy and safe family that meant everything to them? Was it worth destroying your own marriage and any chance of giving your daughter a sibling?

But, you are weak, I get that now. The only types of women that do this are the severely damaged ones, but I’m sure you know that about yourself already. I was lucky enough to read in some of the pages and pages and pages of email exchanges between you two how self-conscious you are of your body, I bet it felt good to know that my husband wanted you despite being, um, how did he describe you again? Oh yes, “short, dumpy and fat.” You see, it’s not you he wanted, he just wanted the sick taboo thrill because he’s turning 50 soon and is having the classic textbook pathetically selfish mid-life crisis that so many men have. You were just the weak one in the herd that took his bait, and trust me, he threw his bait out to others, even while carrying on with you, you were by no means “special”. The others didn’t bite because strong self-assured women don’t go after another woman’s husband. You know, one humorous aspect in all this is that in the 15 years I’ve been with my husband he’s never once, not once, had a problem getting it up, yet with you he had to run to the Dr. to get a script for Viagra for your big XXXtown trip. I suppose that is because you are so physically unappealing he felt he needed medication to get through it. Not sure if you were even aware of that, but lucky for me I found the little blue pill that was slotted for you in his brief case. You may have believed the BS he told you, bless your heart, but please remember, cheaters are liars, as you can surely attest to. He is a very broken man with major issues that you know nothing about.

As I said, I was lucky enough to read so many of the emails you shared with my husband. How did it feel to get off on him while shopping with your mother? You know, the mother whose life you swore on. Did she watch the video too as you walked the aisles? Not only have I read the emails, but you should know I have them saved; a good friend even has a hard copy just in case. I wonder what your husband would think of them because I don’t believe for a second that he has a clue of what you’ve done and even if you did tell him anything, I highly doubt you gave all the colorful details that I was fortunate enough to read and have burned in my brain for the rest of my life. For instance, I wonder what he would think of your fantasy to have my husband rape you and have sex in my bed. I wonder how he’d feel to know just how “juicy” my husband made you. I wonder if he’d be shocked to hear the language you used and the see the photos you took. I now know way more about your grooming habits “down there” than I really care to. I will be sure to keep the emails in a safe spot, they just might come in handy, you never know. I’d hate to see these go public so I’d think long and hard about ever speaking to my husband again, because I will find out eventually. On second thought, perhaps your husband should have a copy just in case you two do get divorced. He may need them when it comes time for the courts to decide custody. The judge would probably frown upon a woman who doesn’t think of her child first.

You care so very little of the damage you have done that even after you destroyed my family and I found out about your betrayal you liked a post on Facebook with the saying “Good girls are just bad girls who never got caught” and then commented that they were also the smartest, which is ironic considering you DID get caught and you are NOT smart. And you also posted your fondness for the show Mistresses, are you kidding me? WTF is wrong with you? I mean seriously, wtf is WRONG with you?? Clearly your husband is still in the dark and I know in my heart that the right thing is to tell him, I know I wish someone had told me sooner.

What the two of you did has destroyed me, my 10 year marriage and my family. My children are suffering because of what you did, because of how unbelievably selfish you were. There is special place in hell for people like you. This was not a game, this was not a mistake and this did not “just happen”. You made choice after choice after choice to destroy our lives every day that this went on, with every single email, every single text, every single knowing glance, every single tryst, every kiss, every touch, every orgasm. You knew it was horribly wrong and you knew affairs ruin lives. They LITERALLY ruin lives. And not just me and my kids, this affects every person that cares about any of us in this mess, family and friends; the casualty list goes on and on and on and the blood is on your hands. And how about the financial fall out of divorce? And the still very real threat that you both could lose your jobs. You have no idea the damage you have done and it is about time you do. How do you look yourself in the mirror? And what a coward you are, to do this and not even attempt an apology. You are complete scum. In closing, I just want to say please don’t ever forget about karma, because you will get yours. I take immense comfort in that fact. And please do not EVER do this again to another woman’s life, to other children, to other families. I wouldn’t wish the pain I have to endure on my worst enemy; I wouldn’t even wish it on you.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 7:48 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (48) 10 years, together 15
D-Day 6.8.13
D-Day #2 9.6.13 Broken NC/TT
D-Day #3 10.23.13 "Full Disclosure"
WH having PA with MW coworker 3.13-6.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
TheClimb
Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Girlie (I can't bring myself to call you Old Cow), you will get no 2 x 4s from me. They broke NC; too bad if it hurts her feelings. Boo hoo.
I think most of the time, we suggest not sending the letters because these OW just fail to "get it". Then, it just hurts us more.

As to the NC, I don't think your WH can be trusted to work with her anymore. What do you plan to do as a consequence to him for breaking NC? As good as your letter was, I don't think this is enough. I think it is also time to send all the documents to her husband. I doubt he knows the complete truth.

I just saw my OW today at the post office. I always look her right in the eye. She'll look for a minute before averting her eyes. I hate these bitches!


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 441 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Would you believe he leaves for a business trip tomorrow and doesn't come home until Friday? I actually welcome the time apart to think clearly. Just have to get through tonight. I have no idea what to do anymore, I'm hoping the time will give me answers. Oh, and therapy on Thursday too, need that big time.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (48) 10 years, together 15
D-Day 6.8.13
D-Day #2 9.6.13 Broken NC/TT
D-Day #3 10.23.13 "Full Disclosure"
WH having PA with MW coworker 3.13-6.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
velvethammer
Member
Member # 40437
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

(((OldCow18))) Well said. She deserves everything you said and I hope you scared her a little with the possibility of all of this coming out. She should feel scared and ashamed and have all of the shit your WH and her put on you thrown back onto them. Now go pamper yourself. Get a new outfit or go for a mani/pedi.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

No 2x4 here.

I think what you did was fine. I see nothing wrong with unloading on the AP at least once.

Your WH is pissed? Why? Because you upset the OW?

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:55 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6669 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

He's all "this is my WORK, this is my COLLEAGUE, this is CORPORATE EMAIL" And I'm all "please, your entire XXX affair took place over corporate email for 3 effing months"


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (48) 10 years, together 15
D-Day 6.8.13
D-Day #2 9.6.13 Broken NC/TT
D-Day #3 10.23.13 "Full Disclosure"
WH having PA with MW coworker 3.13-6.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
donotlietome
Member
Member # 26478
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Only problem I see is you didn't cc the head of human resources at their workplace. Sorry you are hurting.

Posts: 177 | Registered: Dec 2009
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Did you send a copy to OW BH?


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1107 | Registered: Dec 2012
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Cow, please tell me you will tell the OBS now.

I don't have a problem with you sending this letter to the OW. Do you have any expectations from this letter? Because if you think she will apologize now, don't hold your breath. She will share with her two cronies, I suppose, and they will laugh and giggle at how bat shit crazy jealous you are. I am not saying this to hurt you, but just so you understand She. Doesn't. Give. A. Rat's. Ass. About. You.

Obviously, she isn't afraid of you telling her BH. If she was, she would be staying clear of your WH as any "good" OW should once they get caught. Your WH isn't afraid of the consequences either, apparently, and feels he is in the position of power.

Please tell the BH. Are there extenuating reasons for not telling the BH?

What do you feel you want to do next, Cow?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8990 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

this is my COLLEAGUE

He has got to be joking right? Defending her? WTH?


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1740 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

She responded with the following:

I am not sure where you are getting your facts from. As far as him and I spending any time together, that is absolutely false. I do understand the emails were very wrong and I do apologize for any hurt I have cause you and your family. I’m sure you do not and will not ever believe a word I say or am saying….all I can do is tell you what I know goes on here. I did not only have lunch with only him today. We went to lunch with for a coworkers lunch…since this woman is now the admin in our group, we were all invited to go. Our conversations are very minimal and about work….forklifts, copiers, etc. We spoke the Monday you found the emails and both agreed that everything we had done was wrong and deceitful. He wanted to work on saving his marriage and I wanted to work on mine. My husband knows very inappropriate things occurred and our marriage is very very far from happy right now. If you knew my husband at all, you would know that he is a very private man who chooses to keep whatever issues we have in our marriage at home. He does not ever want to do anything to jeopardize his job or career by discussing anything in the office. So, yes he does know….he has flat out told me his trust in me in gone but we are trying to work thru it the best we can.

I have no idea what occurred today that made you feel like you needed to reach out to me. Like I stated above, I know everything was wrong and deceitful….but I have never threatened anyone nor would I ever….especially thru a corporate email. You have clearly threatened me by saying “, I just want to say please don’t ever forget about karma, because you will get yours. I take immense comfort in that fact”. Also, the fact that you brought my daughter’s well being into this is highly uncalled for. Since you have now openly threated me, I suggest you discuss any issues with your husband.

And then lastly I sent this:


I said that karma will get you, not me, I can’t be bothered. I will not contact you again, just thought the least you deserved was hearing from me one time. I do have to laugh at your high and mighty attitude about what is sent through corporate email, I mean seriously, I’ve seen pages and pages of how much regard you give to “corporate email.”


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (48) 10 years, together 15
D-Day 6.8.13
D-Day #2 9.6.13 Broken NC/TT
D-Day #3 10.23.13 "Full Disclosure"
WH having PA with MW coworker 3.13-6.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

My issue with telling her husband is that he ALSO works there and has threatened to tell HR, which to me, would be a blessing in disguise, but we need his income, I can't pay the bills with just mine and I have children to think about. We've discussed his work exit strategy, but it's going to take time.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (48) 10 years, together 15
D-Day 6.8.13
D-Day #2 9.6.13 Broken NC/TT
D-Day #3 10.23.13 "Full Disclosure"
WH having PA with MW coworker 3.13-6.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

She is lying.

Call her husband. Today.

If he already knows..the truth..then he can tell you so..but I bet he has no idea.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6669 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Dreamland
Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

You need to tell the OW Husband and your WH boss and request that they no longer work together. Maybe you can request a meeting if your WH doesnt want to do it then you send an email to them. Obviously people at work knew about their A. We had a couple that worked and were having an A and we all knew. I hated that woman, the man left because finally BW had enough.. but this OW has no morals she even had child and last year got promoted. I did say something to our HR person and our managing partner. He said nothing.. I wonder how many other men in the office she fucked.. It's a disgrace.. I can't wait to quit..


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Seriously, send copies of the emails between them to her husband. Me thinks she doth protest too much.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
3 kids

DD#1: 3/18/2003
DD#2: 9/28/2010 with a follow up on 1/28/2011 where he decided to come clean about the EA actually being a PA.

The OW could have been anybody and both turned out to be nobody special.


Posts: 3787 | Registered: Sep 2005
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

OldCow, I don't know if what you did was wrong or right, but Oh! it must have felt SOOOOO good. I've fantasized about doing that. I'm sure we all have. Right now, I don't want to rock the boat, but if I ever have an occasion (hope I don't) to get it rolling again, I'm using your letter as a template. :) Hugs to you!


BW: 49
SAWH: 46
M: 22.5 yrs
TT: Nov 12-Jan 13
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14

Posts: 312 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

I love it. More power to you. What has your husband been saying with all this?


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1102 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

If her BH knows, then it seems he isn't going to be going to HR with this. Jobs safe.

OTOH, I don't feel he really "knows" all that has happened. I would inform him and hope he doesn't go to HR. Which, since they all work together, I feel he won't. But, of course, no guarantee's.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8990 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
demos
Member
Member # 35660
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

My husband knows very inappropriate things occurred and our marriage is very very far from happy right now. If you knew my husband at all, you would know that he is a very private man who chooses to keep whatever issues we have in our marriage at home. He does not ever want to do anything to jeopardize his job or career by discussing anything in the office. So, yes he does know….he has flat out told me his trust in me in gone but we are trying to work thru it the best we can.

100% bull$hit in my opinion. I would bet paychecks this is a lie. It's an attempt to keep you from contacting her BS and really breaking open this affair. How do you know there were two other people there other than your WS and OW telling you they weren't alone?

[This message edited by demos at 3:53 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]


Posts: 133 | Registered: May 2012
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

If you knew my husband at all, you would know that he is a very private man who chooses to keep whatever issues we have in our marriage at home.

translation: pretty please don't tell my husband or I am cooked.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”


Posts: 3673 | Registered: Dec 2010
ILINIA
Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

((Old Cow)) I know this is painful for you, but wow! I want your fire!

It doesn't seem like either of them are concerned about the BS's feelings. I think if her BS knew about the A and knew they were at lunch, he would be just as angry. It does seem like he is in the dark.

I think it is even better that it is an the work email and that you threw it back into her face.


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 394 | Registered: Jul 2013
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Demos, as soon as I tracked him I freaked the eff out and called him and told him that he needed to immediately take a picture of who was at his table and send it to me, which he did, but he failed to include OW in the pic, ass. The birthday woman and his boss were in the pic, in the restaurant I tracked him to.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (48) 10 years, together 15
D-Day 6.8.13
D-Day #2 9.6.13 Broken NC/TT
D-Day #3 10.23.13 "Full Disclosure"
WH having PA with MW coworker 3.13-6.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Cc it to the OW's H. Make sure it gets there -- use all of his email addresses you can find, work address, home address....

Scorched earth, baby!


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 791 | Registered: Sep 2012
traditoperanni
Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

No 2X4 from me. I totally get it. And if it makes you feel better, good. However,
Do not believe for a minute the nonsense
about OW's H shouldn't know because he would tell HR. Really? he'd tell HR on his W? He would have that embarrassment ? I seriously doubt it. He needs to know. Then you'll see how fast this shit stops.
Good Luck.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 414 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Suspicious  Posted: 4:03 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

but he failed to include OW in the pic, ass
Yeah, he just doesn't get it. No transparency.
Scorched earth, baby!
That would be my next move for sure.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8990 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

I just read her response again, and I KNOW he sat with her while they drafted that as it is his story EXACTLY. And now I'm contemplating a polygraph, wtf?? How insane does your life have to get that you want to polygraph your freaking HUSBAND.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (48) 10 years, together 15
D-Day 6.8.13
D-Day #2 9.6.13 Broken NC/TT
D-Day #3 10.23.13 "Full Disclosure"
WH having PA with MW coworker 3.13-6.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Zayda1
Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

To be honest if this was my WH I would be contacting a divorce lawyer. He is still lying.

I would also forward any information you have regarding the affair to the OBS. He has a right to know what is happening in his marriage.


Married 8 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 439 | Registered: Apr 2012
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

OldCow,

You need to inform the OW husband.

My WH, OW, and OW husband worked for the same company. I was afraid to tell OW H because of retribution or whatever. Big mistake. I did, however, force OW to tell her BS or I would. She did, I verified, and had a couple of email exchanges with her BS.

There is no way in hell her husband wants the world to know that his wife is a homewrecking whore, the company mattress. Trust me, he will not go to HR. It will be too humiliating for the entire office to know.

[This message edited by annb at 4:29 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]


Posts: 7273 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

(((OldCow18)))

First I wanted to say bravo for sending the letter. All bets are off once NC gets broken in my eyes

All I have got to say is:

Expose ... expose ... expose

to her BS, to her workplace, possibly friends

and then my consequence for the WH would be to quit the job. I made my WH fire MOW even with the risk of her pushing a sexual harassment suit (she didn't).

I went on a warpath and I have never been sorry for it.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
In R
"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth." -Carl Sagan

Posts: 2251 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
tryin2havefaith
Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Just in case OW is watching his email, send it to his job certified so that ONLY he can sign for it. But I agree with others, OBH needs to know the truth.


In R and Tryin 2 Have Faith
ME- BS 35
HIM- WS 38

DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
NC-7/2011


Posts: 200 | Registered: Oct 2012
WIgirl
New Member
Member # 40533
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

I LOVED your letter. I think I could have written it almost word for word.

Tell her husband. I waited 3 months to tell and I wish I would have done it sooner. Like others have said, he will likely be way too embarrassed to actually tell HR. Or, you can have a heart to heart with him and ask him not to tell given that you and your children need financial security. I had a similar conversation with the OBS in my f'ed up situation.


Me: 38 yo BW
Him: 40 yo WH
2 daughters (8, 5); married 15 yrs
DD: 6/2/13 (5 mo EA/PA with coworker)
Separated/Divorcing

Posts: 49 | Registered: Sep 2013
mightsurvive
New Member
Member # 38794
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Tell the BS! I talked to my husbands AP and my husband who both had the same story of being only friends. Finally trusting my gut I informed OBS and magically the affair stopped and my husband confessed to its full extent.
Please realize she is lying


BW 37-me
WH 40
Kids
Dday Dec 2011
Reconciling

Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
ShedSomeLight
Member
Member # 40212
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

awww. Wish I could send a letter like that ! I commend you and know that I must of made you feel better. I am currently cannot contact the OW because she stalked me and I have a police case pending. I am waiting the day that she goes to court and get convicted....then I will write a letter to her for sure. You go Girl.... :)

Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2013
MsRukia
Member
Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

I wish I could send a letter. I think I would feel so much better. Good for you for sending it. I would tell OBS. And as far as your WH, he is not ready for reconciling. He is still spending time with her.


BS (33)
WS MisterP (36)
Together 13 1/2 Years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly making progress towards Reconciliation.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

100% bull$hit in my opinion. I would bet paychecks this is a lie.

I agree with demos. I'd make the same bet and give 2 to 1 odds to any takers. Complete b.s. Probably the same thing I'd say if trying to bullshit someone into not telling my spouse. Bet she's freaking out right now. Good


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

I just read her response again, and I KNOW he sat with her while they drafted that as it is his story EXACTLY. And now I'm contemplating a polygraph, wtf?? How insane does your life have to get that you want to polygraph your freaking HUSBAND.

UGH! He is colluding and defending her...

Count me on on...
SCORCHED EARTH...!

Skip the polygraph, you already know he broke NC. This is crunch time!

Expose their nasty trysts and her stupid breathless emails about her 'smoopy lurrve/troll sex' with your husband! And please include all of those nasty sexting pics on all played out on the company emails.

Their betrayal and dirty sex acts will not stand the light of day.

If he cannot have transparency, honesty AND fidelity to you his wife and mother of his children after you have given him the ultimate gift of R...well...please just set their hair on fire and expose them!

Do this for your mental health and for the well being of your children.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
njgal480
Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

I loved your letter!
Now..tell her husband.
Don't believe for one minute that he knows.
Trust me-he won't tell HR.
But, the contact between his WW and your husband will end mighty fast!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

agreed tell her BH.

ALOT of APs vocab was similar to my ex when we was lying~lying~lying. I didn't buy it then and I certainly dont buy it now for you.

Also (((hugs))) yes, it is bizarroland that that we (BS) feel we need to polygraph our spouses *sigh* who would have thought this was going to be our M?


Posts: 415 | Registered: Jun 2012
seenow
Member
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

These things thrive in secrecy. Tell everybody! The other BS in my situation knew for 2 years before I found out and they were still involved in an EA. I wish he would have told me.


ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13
LTA 5 years, ONS.
married 19 years, together 24 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

OC, just wanted to chime in and say that you did something I've wished I could do but that's where my courage ends.

Many things you wrote in the letter I think of and nowadays get criticism if I mention aloud, for we are told not to let OW matter...when in fact, it does matter.

I give you much credit, and no 2 x 4 here, for sending the letter and am glad for you that you could get some of those ..."sentiments" (FLOABW-For Lack Of A Better Word) out.

They can't stay afloat in their canoe ride down the river of denial if they have that letter to read and that's a good thing. I hope someday they capsize.

ETA that I agree with the "hugely private husband" part, because X was this way at the end of M and in some respects, but what I believe now is that it was the beginning of the double life he wanted to create and the control he wanted here. If we knew things about him, it would have probably been difficult to lead the double life and find OW and all the other stuff. It was an act.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 7:13 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Faithsurviver
Member
Member # 30860
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Since WH will be out of town for a couple of days, can you see an attorney and learn what your rights are? Knowing that you saw an attorney might help him to "see the light" also


BW (me) 51
XWH 53, but acts like a 15 y/o
M 18 yrs
DS 16, DD 14 (on D-day)
EA,PA with OW, 30 yrs his jr.
DDay 11/30/09 (DS's B-day), WH moved out 4 days later.
I filed for D-1/29/10,
DIVORCED 10/22/10
You can't reason with an NPD!!!

Posts: 331 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Midwest
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

1. Tell her husband. Do so in a way that cannot be intercepted.
2. See a lawyer.
3. No 2x4s from me--I sent OW a letter too; she was still in contact with WH (which I did not know), so it just was more fodder for their bat-shit crazy wife fantasy. Hugely unsatisfying.

Now. Read #1 again.

Because the "hugely private husband" thing is bullshit.

Her husband needs to know the truth.

[This message edited by solus sto at 10:07 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]


BS-me, 52
WH(Mr. Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS17
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 7968 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Amazing......just change one thing (co-worker friends to neighbor/friends) and it would be like I wrote that letter myself. But my letter was a call to whore's h. Unfortunately for me my own h had already told the usual story about me being a bi-polar lunatic crazy bitch. That set the stage for ow's h (his best friend) to dismiss anything other than I was nuts and he knew his wife would never do anything like that with another man. (Ha, she had already broken up his marriage years prior)

So no 2x4 here for your head. It was a great letter. The only thing you did wrong was to NOT send it to her h. I know for a fact that she is full of crap by saying her h knows all about it. That is such a line of shit to save her own skin.

Take the plunge. What are you waiting for? Your h and his bitch have already done the damage. Now it is time for you to call them to the carpet and let her h know about everything. Send him the letter and let him know what kind of person he is married to. Just make sure you have the evidence to back you up.


Posts: 2390 | Registered: Sep 2005
surviving1963
Member
Member # 40393
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Way to go!!! Such satisfaction for you. I am not in the business of "protecting" my WH and OW from anyone finding out about their A. I would like to shout their actions from the rooftops, mountaintops, billboards!!! They deserve to be exposed. It will still never compare to the intense trauma and devastation they have caused.


Me: 50
WH: almost 50 pro cake-eater, NPD, SA
Married 32 years
D-Days 3-4-12, 8-19-12 (EA, probably PA)porn,ashleymadison, etc, etc
4 sons, 3 daughters
7 grandkids
Divorcing - finally

Posts: 96 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Utah
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Our conversations are very minimal and about work….forklifts, copiers, etc


Hmm... see we already know this bit is a lie - because where would that 'buzz kill' text you saw your husband sent to her personal cell phone fit in with only official work conversations about forklifts? Wouldn't they be conducted via work equipment and not personal cells? So if you know there is one definite lie in there.... how much stock can you put on the rest of what they say?


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1740 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

If you want it to END then
tell her husband.

This....

My husband knows very inappropriate things occurred and our marriage is very very far from happy right now.

Is a load of bullshit. I doubt he knows anything.

Don't tell your WH, don't tell AP just contact AP BH and let him know the truth.


ME: 53 BS
HIM: 60 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 1982 | Registered: Nov 2011
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Fuck yeah.

You owned that bitch. As you should...
Your wh not happy with that?

Burn his clothes.

I would


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 817 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

STOP! Slow down. Please think of the legal consequences of telling HR. Someone could get fired over this - misuse of email, fraternization policy, etc.

I say this because I would LOVE to tell my SAWH's mistress's job about their A but it would potentially hurt me financially because supposedly she used her influence to help his role as an investor in the company. Also, I just want her to GO AWAY. So I can't do anything that would encourage her to sue my H for some crazy reason or contact him for some reason. She's also probably bonking the president of the company anyway...I see them together on Internet photos frequently. SAWH thinks she is a SA, too.

Bottom line...you aren't dealing with people who are playing with a full deck. Proceed with caution. Once it's out there, it's out there. You won't be able to take it back.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 812 | Registered: Jun 2013
Gr8Lady
Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Listen please my WH was the master of deception, best liar I ever encountered. He also embellished quite a bit.
My first thought is your OW response was Bullshit pure and simple. Then I thought, maybe there wasn't as much between then as he alluded to. Aka building himself up. Then scenario three... They composed the response together which I detest the most, as they would be conspiring against you.
This lying infidelity shit is enough to make us physically sick. Pull yourself together while he is gone and think things through rationally.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 552 | Registered: Jul 2012
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

the "hugely private husband" thing is bullshit.

Yes...and the same wording used by MOW in an attempt to manipulate me into silence.

She "knew what a private person I am, and would never tell anyone"

I read that to mean "I don't want to get get caught, so don't you dare tell anyone, because I think/hope you feel embarrassed"

I believe the term "Private person" is in the Wayward handbook, under "Those who must be manipulated in the event of discovery"

I think the post DDay manipulations inflicted on the BS are even worse than the initial deception.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2360 | Registered: Jan 2010
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Losing his job isn't the end of the world. I've been there, last year.

Bottom line, tell her husband, tell HR, or the contact will never end. You will constantly be in this situation over and over again. You can not reconcile like this.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 1993 | Registered: Feb 2012
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Brilliant letter! I sent one in a similar vein to fOW,boy did it feel good to tell her just what I thought of her and how low my fWH's opinion of her was too-just "fuck buddies"-
Please tell her BH, even if he suspects inappropriate goings on,it's hardly the same as knowing the full truth of what was (is?) going on.If he knew inappropriate stuff was going on as she claims, he could have already spoken to the HR dep't, what difference is the full truth going to make? Unless she's lying through her teeth.
And what difference does it make whether he's a private sort of person? Private,outgoing,somewhere in the middle. They all have a right to know. Sounds like she hasn't told him yet.
What a shame your husband works at the same company-I took great pleasure in outing the OW to her company and university as they too were using her corporate e-mail address for explicit chats,downloading porn etc. Also her works office for screwing,and work time. I don't think she got the sack or was stopped from continuing her course,but just the thought of her squirming when confronted...


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 180 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Losing his job isn't the end of the world. I've been there, last year.
I agree. The fallout from affairs sucks--but if you want the affair to end, people need to know about it.

It's not a given that heads will roll.

It is almost a given, though, that light shed on the affair will cause sufficient discomfort that the A will end.

And the other BS? HE MUST BE TOLD. He needs to know the truth about his marriage. Not that "many inappropriate things" happened (which I doubt he knows, anyway)--but that his WIFE WAS INVOLVED IN AN AFFAIR.

There is NOTHING worse than being kept in the dark--especially if you're working hard to find out what is missing in your marriage, wondering what is so very wrong with you that you can't connect, and struggling against all odds to make things better.

And then there are the health risks. He needs to be tested for STDs. Doesn't matter if your husband tested negative--mine did, yet gave me some nasty ones. I guess an OW along the line gave him something he passed to me without contracting it himself (or he got HIMSELF treatment without bothering to tell me because that's the kind of guy he is).

Tell the OBS. Think about work for a while if you want. If your WH will change jobs, maybe even forego that aspect of exposure.

But tell the OBS.


BS-me, 52
WH(Mr. Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS17
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 7968 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
ninebark
Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Only guilty people hide things. Such as not telling you OW was at lunch and then taking a picture with her not in it. Innocent people do not feel the need to hide their actions. That just shows he knows his actions were wrong.

Time to get some legal advice and contact her BS, even if he does know (which I would be money he doesn't) then it won't hurt either way, but it might help.

Time to take care of yourself, it is clear your husband still can't be trusted.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
TrulySad
Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Tell the OBH, at the very least. Right now, your WH and his cheap OW still have the control. The letter was great, but did you send it to be heard, or for it to actually help?

Right now you are NOT in R. Your WH is still in contact, and it sounds like he is working with his OW to fool you. Honestly, it's too early to know if R is even a possibility.

Bottom line, her BH needs to know the truth, and you're going to need to oust them. At least if you want to know if there is a real chance at R for you and your WH.

As far as his work...NO CONTACT. If it's not possible, then it looks like he needs to find a new job asap. Would he rather lose the job, or you? He put himself in this position, it's his job to do the right thing and fix it. IF HE WANTS YOU BAD ENOUGH...


Me: WGF
Him: WBF
Together two years DD Feb. 2013
I think we are R??? Time will tell

Posts: 359 | Registered: Jun 2013
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Ok, I think most agree that an EA is as damaging to a BS as a PA. It does not matter if they physically touched or not. It was an A as soon as the secrecy, the private texting, and the non work emails started.

I hate the word inappropriate. It is a polite euphemism in the adultery world for I f**ked or mind f**cked someone other than my BS.

I do not know if I would tell HR, but hubby would be looking for a new job. My H changed careers at age 54 to keep contact with OW at zilch. They did not work together, but she would show up at conferences and open public meetings he was involved in. He gave up several board memberships as well. He lost out on a lifetime of community building because he chose to lower into a EA/PA with a common husband seeking tramp. It sucks for me and him.

I guess telling HR does not change whether or not the A took place, but the fallout may catch your H as well as the OW. I think I would discuss this with your H before moving forward. At first he will balk, but if he is ready to move on and finish the A, he may be ready. If true R is your goal, keep your marriage in mind. How will this affect your M? I would not give a damn how it affects the OW and her M. That is on her.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1201 | Registered: May 2012 | From: South
Eudaimonia
Member
Member # 32445
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

I hate the word inappropriate. It is a polite euphemism in the adultery world for I f**ked or mind f**cked someone other than my BS.

That word set off warning bells for me, too. But to me, it sounded like she was admitting that she blatantly minimized her involvement to her BS. Inappropriate could be a flirty conversation. Inappropriate could be accidentally staring at someone's ass. I would also bet that her BS knows almost zero about any of this. You MUST tell him, I'm sorry. Tell him and get him copies of your evidence. He needs to know what kind of nut job he is married to.


So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Posts: 472 | Registered: Jun 2011
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

How are you today,OC?

How did last night go,once your WH came home from work?

(((((OC)))))


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6669 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Yes, calling their full on PA "inappropriate" certainly chapped my ass as well.

I'm terrified to contact her H, and I'm not sure why exactly.

He left on his business trip this morning. We haven't spoken really other than him apologizing last night for not telling me about the lunch and again this morning before he left. I'm in full 180 right now trying to process the fact that I can't get past this yet again.

That old saying is so effing true, when people show you who they are BELIEVE them. All this time he's been showing me and I've been all "No, he's not this person, I know this person, he is better than this." Guess what? He's exactly what he's been showing, wishing he were someone else has wasted the last almost 4 months of my life...and probably our entire marriage, actually. It's a tough pill to swallow.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (48) 10 years, together 15
D-Day 6.8.13
D-Day #2 9.6.13 Broken NC/TT
D-Day #3 10.23.13 "Full Disclosure"
WH having PA with MW coworker 3.13-6.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
kansas1968
Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Wow!! I thought and thought about sending a letter, even wrote one, but never sent it. I could almost have sent your letter without too many changes, the details are so similar (including the photos of her "grooming" habits) LOL.

I only know one thing. I would NOT like to be the recipient of that letter, and I hope it really ruins her day.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1185 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
velvethammer
Member
Member # 40437
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Maybe you could write down some possible outcomes from telling the OBS and then examine them one at a time. It might help overcome your fear and also have a plan for what your response will be to whatever happens.

I agree with everyone else though that you should tell the OBS. If he actually already knows then no big deal. If he doesn't, send him the evidence and let him deal with his WW from there.


Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2013
Sadwife222
Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

I agree. Tell her BS. I wish my OW had a H. I would love for her to have one half the misery she's contributed to my life. I can't ruin her life as she helped ruin mine but if I were in your shoes, I'd surely give it my best shot and that's what you have with those emails.


Me BW, Him WH
DD #1, caught 4/12/13
DD #2, tells me the whole truth, 5/21/13
DD #3, TT until 8/9/13 then full disclosure w/timeline
DD #4, 8/26/13, OW texts me more info, he tells me the whole truth
DD # 5, 9/11/13, he tells me the whole truth??

Posts: 125 | Registered: Jul 2013
kansas1968
Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Normally, I am very conflicted about the telling the OW's husband part, for a lot of reasons, but in this case you are fighting for your marriage, you husband is still in the fog, and she is still in control.

I would let her husband know tht they were having an affair and give him enough proof that he believes you. Try not to be angry when you do it, it is not his fault, but I know I even hated her husband for caring for her.

Her email was VERY condensending towards you and she still thinks she is safe. So sorry he is such an idiot to have that lunch, not tell you ahead of time, and more importantly, skipped the lunch. No matter who invited them, you can always make up an excuse to miss a lunch.
I worked for too long in the corporate world to buy the bullshit your husband gave you.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1185 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
laliz
New Member
Member # 38267
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Two things:

1. Never, ever believe the OW. She is not your friend. She does not care for your well-being. You do not matter to her.

2. Tell her husband. I know everyone is different, but I am very grateful to MOW's husband for having the courage to call me and tell me the truth. Although I knew something was wrong and had kicked my WS the week prior to DDay, I only got the truth because MOW's husband called me with details I used to confront my WS with (and he confessed to it all immediately). Although I have very little contact with MOW's husband, the few times I have had contact, I've always made sure to tell him how much I appreciate his honesty and bravery for telling me the truth.


Me: BS (36)
Him: WS (40)
DD: 1/27/13
Status: We are living as roommates

Posts: 35 | Registered: Jan 2013
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Standing ovation on your letter!!!

Perfect wording & though I am sure you will never know it, it had to hit home with her in some way. The truth hurts even if she never admits it. (I am positive it had to effect WH as well.)

Way to go, you "new, young, beautiful heifer, you!!! So proud of you!!!


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
2 sons together-28 & 23
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
WW with H#2 =BH-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 157 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Way to go, you "new, young, beautiful heifer, you!!!

Ha, this totally made me smile, thank you!

Velvet, I love the idea of writing down my fears and examining them...thank you for the idea.

He just called to tell me his plane landed, I let it go to voicemail. He is the master gaslighter, I just can't talk to him until I'm stronger.

And I still can't believe this is my life. I had a beautiful family.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (48) 10 years, together 15
D-Day 6.8.13
D-Day #2 9.6.13 Broken NC/TT
D-Day #3 10.23.13 "Full Disclosure"
WH having PA with MW coworker 3.13-6.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Yesterday he chose to lie to you twice. First by not telling you about the lunch with her. Then secondly when you confronted him about it, by taking a picture of everyone but her at the lunch. A very blatant lie not by omission but by design.

Then later when you sent the letter to him and OW there wasn't even a HINT of an apology from him, he said instead: "this is my WORK, this is my COLLEAGUE, this is CORPORATE EMAIL"

But after you also replying to OW's response, citing them using work e-mail to conduct the affair... you say;

We haven't spoken really other than him apologizing last night for not telling me about the lunch and again this morning before he left.

I'd say that they spoke before and after you responded to her, and then became frightened that you 'could' actually tell OW's BH and report the use of company e-mail to conduct the affair to HR. Hence his sudden change of heart and your apology. OC, I think you've got an apology now (unlike his first response when she was watching what he said) because now he/they are in damage control and worried that you just might expose them. Whether you tell the other BS or not is up to you, but I'd wager that he does not know what she says he does, and also that OW and your WH are not NC.


I think they discussed her response and told you about her marriage being in trouble to stop you telling. Afterall, wasn't it your WH in the first place who told you their marriage was in trouble? Who knows if that is even true? He is, afterall, a proven liar.


OC, in some ways it's good that he's gone for a few days, it may give you a chance to decide what you are going to do without his input. (((Hugs)))


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1740 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
cancuncrushed
Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Bravo to your letter. I too had to deal with coworker for my H. I too heard every excuse as to why I couldnt go crazy on her. Careers, paychecks, titles, embarrassments, etc. I did not go crazy... But I did insist H fire her. they also had office luncheons and birthdays. H never attended those again until she was fired. They are grownups. Office Birthdays arent that important. He could have had a drs. appt for goodness sake. I have never received any information or details other then what I could dig up. I wish someone would have informed me. I am in the dark. I feel its unfair. ANd everyone else is making choices for me. It makes me weaker. I especially hate how I have cried , begged, demanded, manipulated any power I could for an apology or explanation. Yet when they feel threatened, they are so forth coming with the apologies and explanations. (lies)...Tell the other BS. If he is only as half in the dark as me, he will always be grateful to you. Take the control from the cheaters. ANd expose the secrets. Arent they still getting away with it? And I might add, even tho I am healing and doing all I can to get past this, I live with the fear someone will tell me wayyyyyy later. When I have done so much work to heal my soul. Dont let it pass. Dont fall for the ---save their ass ---apologies. This was a choice. He chose to go again. He lies to you. He can lie to them with any excuse and not have to go where she is. If he chose to. I am sorry. I think the thrill is still there.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 860 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
velvethammer
Member
Member # 40437
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

OC, you can't talk to husband until you're stronger meaning you want to talk to him first before telling the OBS? BAD idea. They should not have the benefit of knowing ahead of time so they can get their stories straight and lie some more. Better to do it while he's away too and there is absolutely no reason to get his input on this - nobody consulted you before destroying your life. I thought you were afraid of what the OBS would say to you but it sounds like you are afraid of what your husband will say/do?

Are you afraid he'll leave you if you tell the OBS? You're much stronger than you think and feel right now. That letter was spot on. They're using you to keep their secret and that is not OK.

Also, you don't know just how many men she's doing and OBS has a right to know so he can get tested for STDs and protect himself.


Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2013
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Velvet, no no no, I would not tell WH about exposing to her H beforehand, I guess I'm scared about what could happen... What if WH does lose his job? I have children to think about, we can't make it 2 weeks without his pay. What if her H goes after me for harrassment, what if one of them is batshit crazy and comes after me or my family in a scary way, and lastly and most pathetically, what if this kills any chance of ever having my family again? I'm beginning to see that they did the crime yet I'm the only one paying the time and the answers to all those questions need to be whatever will be will be and I'll deal with it and the truth is more important than any outcome, but, it's still so scary.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (48) 10 years, together 15
D-Day 6.8.13
D-Day #2 9.6.13 Broken NC/TT
D-Day #3 10.23.13 "Full Disclosure"
WH having PA with MW coworker 3.13-6.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

What I meant about talking to him when I'm stronger is to not allow him to gaslight me into confusing myself over the state of our marriage. He has a way of twisting and turning and making me feel I'm over reacting or that I'm crazy.

I also need these days to come to an acceptance that he's taken this too far and I do have a line in the sand.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 2:41 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (48) 10 years, together 15
D-Day 6.8.13
D-Day #2 9.6.13 Broken NC/TT
D-Day #3 10.23.13 "Full Disclosure"
WH having PA with MW coworker 3.13-6.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
TheClimb
Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

I'm terrified to contact her H, and I'm not sure why exactly.

You don't want to make that call because you feel like you would be betraying your husband's trust. We have all been there; the hardest thing to fathom is that right now he is not "your husband". He is in some fairytale land and you are the mean warden, ruining all his fun.

I only told a few people when I first found out. After DD#2, I told the whore's good friend who had been her husband's best friend. Then, I told my husband's family and his best friend. Well you would have thought that I fucked the ugly bitch! They were both pissed off. Guess what, tough shit! You played, you paid.

The affair ended that day.

I know that you don't want to do this. I wish someone had told me what was going on. Would have saved me the $5,000 that I spent on a PI. I could have gone to Paris instead....

It's ok to be afraid, but the other BS needs to know.


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 441 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

What if WH does lose his job?

And what if he doesnt? is the devil you know easier to deal with then the possible devil you don't?

Fear is very strong, but dont allow fear to keep you in a place that is harmful.

I have children to think about, we can't make it 2 weeks without his pay.

I competely understand this fear, i really do. Just realize what you are willing to live WITH rather then what you would be willing to live WITHOUT.

What if her H goes after me for harrassment, what if one of them is batshit crazy and comes after me or my family in a scary way,

1. One email or one phone call is not harrassement and they couldn't charge you with it as long as it is just one.

2. If she really is a bunny boiler, then document everything and get a restraining order on her.

If you really need to, get some mace to carry with you all the time.


and lastly and most pathetically, what if this kills any chance of ever having my family again? I'm beginning to see that they did the crime yet I'm the only one paying the time and the answers to all those questions need to be whatever will be will be and I'll deal with it and the truth is more important than any outcome, but, it's still so scary.

I personally think that BS's get the worst end of the pain no matter what goes down R or D. This wasn't your choice, but the clean up can be. You are your own person, and you can decide how you want to go foward from here.

The last thing any WS's in this situation needs is to have the upper hand. Your fear of the unknown keeps them in power of the situation.

(((OC)))


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
~Some days are better then others~

Posts: 1617 | Registered: Sep 2012
WIgirl
New Member
Member # 40533
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

I know exactly how you're feeling. It took me 3 months to tell the OBS. I had truly believed the affair was over and was really struck by the power I had of being able to share the information about the affair. Did I really want to ruin someone else's life too? What was going to happen? I mean, I think the AP is a fricking sociopath and could only imagine how she was going to strike back at me.

But you know what, it's been 3 weeks since I told the OBS and nothing "catastrophic" has happened. Nothing work related for sure. (I told when I hit DD#4 - and had no qualms about holding back then). I forwarded an email I found to the OBS and copied the AP and WH on it. It was a delightful moment actually. I have taken great pleasure in knowing that her life is a sh*t storm now too. And the exposure was I think what finally woke my WH up. That this wasn't a fun little fantasy world anymore.

Huge hugs to you, I can relate to so much of what you're going through.


Me: 38 yo BW
Him: 40 yo WH
2 daughters (8, 5); married 15 yrs
DD: 6/2/13 (5 mo EA/PA with coworker)
Separated/Divorcing

Posts: 49 | Registered: Sep 2013
TheClimb
Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

I don't believe that the OW's husband will contact HR. I would think he would insist that his wife quit.

As to the crazy part, just give him the e-mails. Tell him they are having an affair and give him the proof. He can make his own decision then.

Your husband and the OW are counting on you to be afraid and keep their dirty secret. If either of them had been concerned about their jobs, they would not have had an affair. Don't let them use you like this. They are playing upon your fears. Go show them that you are no longer going to be treated like this. You have no idea how much power you truly have.


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 441 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Thank you, TheClimb, your advice is very helpful.

I just started a new thread about doing this in a chicken sh/t sort of way...everyone involved will know I did it, but I don't want evidence out there in the world. I have kids.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (48) 10 years, together 15
D-Day 6.8.13
D-Day #2 9.6.13 Broken NC/TT
D-Day #3 10.23.13 "Full Disclosure"
WH having PA with MW coworker 3.13-6.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
cancuncrushed
Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Something has to be done....Arent they still working together? This is just one more time, in the line of more days to come. Telling the OBS will be double ammo to fight this A. Or end this A. She might be forced to quit. HMMMMMMM.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 860 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Velvet, no no no, I would not tell WH about exposing to her H beforehand, I guess I'm scared about what could happen... What if WH does lose his job? I have children to think about, we can't make it 2 weeks without his pay. What if her H goes after me for harrassment, what if one of them is batshit crazy and comes after me or my family in a scary way, and lastly and most pathetically, what if this kills any chance of ever having my family again? I'm beginning to see that they did the crime yet I'm the only one paying the time and the answers to all those questions need to be whatever will be will be and I'll deal with it and the truth is more important than any outcome, but, it's still so scary.

I know how scary this is to think about. I GET it, because I LIVED it.

My husband was FIRED last July 21, 2012 for sexual harassment. He told an "intended" AP he wanted to kiss her, but knew he couldn't. He was her BOSS (all his AP's were employees). He patted her on the knee twice and he hugged her once. (Confirmed). She turned him in to HR. Even after he apologized to her.

First and foremost...I DO NOT BLAME HER. I blame my husband for HIS actions, not her. She, in my opinion is a hero. Without her my husband would have CONTINUED his wayward behavior with someone else. She killed the cycle.

My husband was out of work for FOUR months, with no unemployment due to the reason why he was fired. I don't work, I'm a SAHM to five kids. You bet your ass I was freaking the fuck out. But we survived. We borrowed money from family and friends. We went on food stamps (which I made HIM apply for since HE was the one who made the mess). We went without health insurance for 2 months when we could no longer afford COBRA. EVERYONE found out.

But guess what??? It made him hit bottom and wake the fuck up.

I too feared one AP's husband going after mine. So I didn't say ANYTHING after DDay#1, then I had DDay#2 and his firing. When I did finally tell the husband? He had no desire to come after my family. He was just another broken BS just like ME.

Why would the OBS come after YOU for harassment? Seriously? You're simply telling him the truth, nothing more. You're not inciting drama, you're not badgering, you're providing him with truth.

Getting fired is a possibility, yes. However, that is the CONSEQUENCE of your husbands actions. If he didn't want his job to be at risk, he shouldn't have had an affair. Making *YOU* feel guilty is fucking wrong. HE and his AP caused this, not you. If they get backlash or it, that is on THEM, not you. Protecting their "secret" is bullshit.

If he remains at his job, you will live a life like this constantly. The lunches will continue, the worry will continue, the secrets will continue, the affair may go further underground. To protect your family you have to blow this shit up.

If you're worried that you will lose your family by telling, that he will leave you for telling, then he isn't worthy of you anyway. You should not remain in your marriage due to FEAR.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 1993 | Registered: Feb 2012
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

I have taken great pleasure in knowing that her life is a sh*t storm now too. And the exposure was I think what finally woke my WH up. That this wasn't a fun little fantasy world anymore.

Oh likewise. The fun little A turns into a horror show for everyone. (BTW I took great pleasure in it too )

To the OP I too worried about backlash to my family,but by the time DDay #4 hit I felt like I was gonna get violent on someone. Something had to happen. Expose honey it will end the contact and also force them to take a look at their hideousness in the mirror.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
In R
"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth." -Carl Sagan

Posts: 2251 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
TheClimb
Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

You do it however it works for you. Our daughter was only ten at the time and does not know. So I understand that protecting them is also important.

Nothing you do is chicken shit; this crap is hard and you didn't ask for it or deserve it. We are all proud of you for everything you have done so far.


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 441 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
Eudaimonia
Member
Member # 32445
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Side note:
I do not know your whole story, so this may not apply. But, as far as the kids are concerned, they aren''t stupid and they probably know that something is going on. In my case, WH''s CSAT encouraged us to be completely honest with our 8 year old about the whole thing. He reminded us that she was a very intelligent person and, since she most certainly knew something was going on anyway, that she would likely have a LOT of questions and need a lot of clarification on things. Better to talk about it than to keep it a secret, sort of thing. After all, WH was raised on secrets. Secrets led him into a lifetime of deceit and lies and have ruined countless lives, not just mine and my 3 kids. As for the sex aspect, CSAT pointed out that, these days, 8 years old is not too early to open the forum up to "the talk."

I know many disagree with this. I did for a long time. But, given that I know (and married unknowingly) the outcome of a "secret-driven" FOO, I have to say that his advice was spot on.


So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Posts: 472 | Registered: Jun 2011
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

TruthorGoodbye, the kids do know that we are going through something and we've had some age appropriate conversations with them about daddy's temper problem that he is working on, and also that some marriage rules were broken and we are trying to fix them. DD8 hasn't asked specific questions, she just wants to know why we're fighting so much, DS 6 hasn't talked about it too much. If they were to ask me a specific question I would be as (age appropriately) honest. We did have a 5 day separation earlier this month, which we also discussed with them. They don't know it was an affair with COW whom they adore

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 3:52 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (48) 10 years, together 15
D-Day 6.8.13
D-Day #2 9.6.13 Broken NC/TT
D-Day #3 10.23.13 "Full Disclosure"
WH having PA with MW coworker 3.13-6.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Eudaimonia
Member
Member # 32445
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

((((OC18))))-It sounds, to me, like you are doing precisely the right thing as far as your children are concerned.

I get nauseous knowing that WH sent cock-shots out to C/L people and who knows who else. There are photos of his freaking genitals out there somewhere for my kids to possibly find someday! Seriously?! I simply can''t even fathom how to explain that to them. There IS no appropriate explanation for that! lol

OC18, keep us posted on everything. We''re here for you. You''re doing great.


So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Posts: 472 | Registered: Jun 2011
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Just an FYI coming from a child of a broken home, broken by my wayward father... My mother told me, without guile, without anger, but with love and with facts that my father had an affair and that they had a child out there who is my half-brother.

I was 7. I already knew...

But was very glad that my mother was willing to be honest with me and treated me with respect without belittling my father or herself. She remained classy and allowed us to make our own decisions on what relationship we want to have with our father. She even said to give him a chance. Of course, years and years later, he blew up that chance anyway... And my mother remained BLAMELESS cause not one bad word about him was said and we made our own decisions as to what we would call "father"...

Just saying, just because they are children doesn't mean they don't know. It actually made me feel relief that someone finally felt they should tell me. I was able to accept the situation better.

Hope that helps.

[This message edited by Simple at 5:08 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Her H cannot get for harassment for sending one document (I would suggest putting all the emails into one or two scanned .pdf documents) that only contains the truth. What he chooses to do with that is up to him. If you repeatedly contact him or the OW for that matter, then that is harassment. One contact is not.

She can also lose her job, which they may also need that money so he may not go to HR. Also, consider that his threat of going to HR was told to you by the two liars. WH and OW. How much faith you put in that is up to you.


Posts: 5464 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
IslandGirl18
Member
Member # 36781
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Mistakes I made: DD2 I told WH that I was going to call MOW. I found out later that he warned her ahead of time and their stories were miraculously similar. I shouldn't have told him I was calling her. She told me in that phone call that her husband knew of the affair, that it was over, and they were in counseling. He just didn't know who she was cheating with.
I also told my WH that I was calling his boss. He begged me not to and went on to say that it would impact me and our retirement, etc. They would lose their jobs. Blah, blah, blah.
I never called the boss. I may still. I did eventually have a convo with her BS and he did not know. They were in counseling but not for her cheating.
He said to me he wouldn't contact my WH because he was aware of my cancer and what we were going through.

I never told my WH of my phone call with her BS. But guess who told him? Yep. She called my WH.

I would call the BS immediately. Be calm. Share the facts.

We get scared because it is so out of our realm of thinking. We know we will be a part of someone's pain, a pain we know too well.

It's not our fault.


me: BS
him: WS
Divorced

D Day: July 27, 2012
Day of first suspicion: 6/7/11
DD#2: November 2, 2012

I thought we were reconciling...I left him a year after DDay

We are divorcing


Posts: 97 | Registered: Sep 2012
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

It's all fun and games until somebody (the BS) gets hurt and the WS gets caught. Then the consequences set in.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 12:04 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2390 | Registered: Sep 2005
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I really hate to say this, but unless I missed it, I think this is underground and not over.
Give a copy of your file to BS by hand.

Begin to really protect yourself and kids.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 855 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Topic Posts: 89