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Just Found Out
User Topic: Just found out he's engaged
Dawn58
Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Hi All,

It's been ten months since Dday (well, in 2 days). I have filed for divorce and mediation is set for Oct. 30.

Just found out two days ago, he and the OW are engaged. I knew that would happen, but did not anticipate it would happen before the divorce was final.

I didn't think this would upset me, but it has. I am mourning the marriage to the man I THOUGHT I married, not the narcissistic, self involved, selfish, heartless man I know him to be now.

] know this is just another bump in the road. Before finding this out, I have been feeling, I don't know, more accepting of the situation. I found my laugh a few weeks back, which is wonderful. I've had moments of peace and contentment. So, it does get better.

Today, it is my birthday. I am 55 years old today. Did not think this is where I would be at 55 - divorcing. I am slipping a bit back into that thinking, of what was wrong with me?? I know the affair was about him, his dysfunction. But, on some level, I take his affair as a complete rejection of me, of the love I had for him. That I was not enough. I know that thought is not true, it's just a manifestation of my own low self-esteem (which is probably why I married him - he always had a bad temper and I accepted that.).

So, a few more tears to be shed over this (again). I am not as devastated as I was before. I have not been rolled up in a ball on the floor sobbing my eyes out. I spent a lot of time doing that. So, I know that I am stronger and moving on. It just hurts today.



I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
woundedwidow
Member
Member # 36869
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Of course it hurts, and you're entitled to some tears - not that he's worth them. You know that, don't you? He's not worth one sleepless night, one moment of your time, or one iota of your emotions. Don't feel less than the wonderful, strong, proud woman that you are - it's HIS loss, after all. YOU did nothing wrong, except love and accept him, with all his faults. I'm so glad that you are not as devastated as you were by the initial dday, and that you have gathered your strength in the ensuing months. And Happy Birthday too, even if it may seem bittersweet right now.


Be careful what you wish for the most - you may get it.

Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: VA
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Happy Birthday Dawn!

Sorry that your stbx continues to be a thorn in your side....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8001 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

{{{{hugs}}}}

But here's the flip side to his engagement.....

He's HER PROBLEM now.

Thank the Powers That Be for karma.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6538 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Want To Wake Up
Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Dawn...

&


Me 54
WH 54
Met 1978
Married 1981
DDay 2009
Latest TT... Nov 2013 (yep, 2013... not a typo!)


One man’s “fruitless conflict” is another man’s “meaningful discussion”


Posts: 476 | Registered: Mar 2011
MediumRare
Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Happy Birthday Dawn!

You know 55 is today's new 40.. and you lost a lot of weight- 200lbs of cheating douchebag loser, so that is something to celebrate too!

As K9 put it, you luckily are rid of that jerk and at 55, you have so much time left to find someone who will appreciate, respect and cherish you... someone legitimate to enjoy your golden years with... all the while Mr. Loser will be treating his next victim like dirt, cheating and philandering on HER, not YOU.

Sorry for your tears and pain. I just know you will bounce back, mend that broken heart and emerge in so much a better life & situation.

Good luck to you!


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 716 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Oh Dawn, go ahead and grieve. Even if he is not worth your tears...It's okay. Because you know he's one big ol'douche'.

Much love to you on your BD. 55 is the new 40...I should know, I just turned 55

Stay strong my friend, the best is yet to come.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

There's NOTHING wrong with you, Dawn58. You are worthy of much love and happiness.

I hope you find some peace and joy on your Birthday. Next year hopefully won't hurt as much and you will be having new adventures.

(((Dawn58)))


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17292 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

he and the OW are engaged

Karma in the works---they are both getting what they deserve---each other. And you are free from it.

Please read Traildad's post "Is this how it begins? " in the New Beginnings forum. I pray for something like that to happen to you Dawn58.

I know it is so difficult right now.
Sending you hugs & strength.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1389 | Registered: Dec 2012
AussieMum
Member
Member # 36579
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Happy Birthday Dawn! You have a bright future ahead because you've got rid of the rubbish

Think of it this way - she's now stuck with him and you are FREE. So sorry you're hurting right now. Take care of yourself.


Me 46
ExH 51
EA Jun-Aug 12 (OW1)FB flirting and then EA/PA with OW2 (Aug-Dec 12). New OW Jan 13, introduced her to the kids immediately.
Married 10 years, together 14yrs
2 kids (DS11 & DD7)
Separated Jan 13. Divorced Jun 14

Posts: 180 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Happy birthday! I am just a few years behind you.

As for that shit union...the odds are SO AGAINST it.

Continue to move forward with your life. Good things do happen to GOOD people.
You will find happiness without him.

Wishing you a wonderful birthday and a fantastic year ahead.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, September 23rd (Monday)


hugs to you

Check your PM


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
vivere
Member
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Happy Birthday Dawn!!

It sucks that our emotional brain engages so quickly and our logic takes a minute or three to catch up! Just shows how normal you are.

I'm glad you know that you are more than enough and that this is just another bump in the road.

A toast to you, on your birthday, being stronger and moving on.


You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012
nolight
Member
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 4:25 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Oh Dawn, I understand your pain. I also know the release and peace that this finality brings, even if it takes awhile.

Happy birthday, it may not feel like it now but you've been anded a gift.


Posts: 491 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
ctdean2004
New Member
Member # 39637
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Yup - I agree - He's going to be her problem now and guess what? Doesn't matter - he isn't going to be happy.

Happy Birthday to you and may you find some peace and strength in your journey forward. Proud of you.


Me: BS, 31
Him: WH/SA, 31
Together 8 years
Married 7 years
DS1, DD2, DSontheway 10/10/13
Official DDAY: October 2012
'09 some things came out, he went to SA, stopped doing it and he went to town! Always been caught and never confessed.
Rec

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Connecticut
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Awww Dawn, Happy Belated 55th Birthday. I'll be there myself in a couple more months. Don't know how it's possible since I'm still 25 on the inside. LOL.

Yeah, I totally get what a shitty thing your BH has done - and continues to do - all in the pursuit of HIS happiness because after all...this is HIS world, we just live in it.

What a joke - getting 'engaged' while he's still legally married. And what kind of classless IMBECILE wears this ring and actually believes she's going to live 'happily ever after?' Is she learning challenged?

You know Dawn, one day you're going to be given the sheer pleasure of watching these two crash and burn. It may not happen for another 10 or 20 years, but one day, you're going to see it happen. Because sooner or later, the cosmos always manages to find a way to right itself, doesn't it?

But honestly? By then, you'll be healed and moved on and the only thing you'll feel is indifference. And what a glorious day that will BE for you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1752 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

(((((Dawn58))))))

Happy Birthday!!!

Think of this birthday as a celebration of your new and free life - you deserve no less.

More hugs,

Lala


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5058 | Registered: May 2007
strongerdaybyday
Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

(((((HUGS)))))

HAPPY BIRTHDAY - Make sure you do something special and maybe even a little selfish for you!


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
jackie89
Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Happy Birthday Dawn!!

Hang in there! This too shall pass! You've come a looooong way!


Separated/divorcing

"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~


Posts: 479 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
hopingforhappy
Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

If I remember correctly, she will be his 4th wife? I think that says it all. Four, five, six--after a while, it becomes clear that HE is the problem, not the wives.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1297 | Registered: Aug 2010
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Happy Birthday Dawn!!!!!!

Do not grieve for him. He is not worth your tears. He will be her problem now and you are free from his temper tantrums. Just think that she won that great prize she wanted so bad. I bet in a few years she will want to give him back, but guess what?? No deposit, NO return!!!

I hope you have a wonderful birthday and that the future holds nothing but the best years of your life.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Happy Belated Birthday, Dawn!

And big (((hugs))) to you with this recent news you've found out. It must be so hard. I dread hearing this news myself someday, and I do believe it will happen sooner than later. I go back and forth between hoping they break up with much drama and angst, and hoping they stay together forever so that he can never inflict this kind of pain on anyone else. (Well, except maybe OW, and she deserves it! ) But how I'll actually feel when that moment comes.... *shudder.*

Applause to you for handling this news with grace and courage, the way you've handled everything else. You are one strong lady.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 810 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Dawn58
Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement.

This just hurts. I was at my divorce support group last night and the facilitator was going through the local newspaper and there was a picture of my husband and his mistress, which she cut out and shared with the group. Had lunch with a friend yesterday and she works in SB and told me the rumors were flying that my husband and mistress were married.

I need NC. Any news I get about him, at this point in time, only causes me pain and upset. I soooooo look forward to the day when I am indifferent, but I am not there yet.

My birthday wish for myself this year, was for my heart to be healed. To have freedom from my narcissistic, self absorbed, selfish and heartless husband. To be happy again, joyous and free. To surround myself with caring and loyal friends. To continue to pursue my passion at school. To continue to grow stronger, more confident and most importantly, love myself. I am a strong, beautiful, caring, loving and kind woman. I will not be defined by his selfishness, his affair or this divorce. There are moments when I want the karma bus to mow him down. There are times I don't understand why I can't speak my truth about what has happened because I will be viewed as the vengeful ex-wife. There are times that I want justice, now.

We have gone through hell. We have walked through the fires of despair, pain, self-doubt, anger, blame, shame, rage and confusion. We are stronger than we know and my prayer is to get to the other side. For as deeply as I have felt the pain and angst, is how deeply I will feel my happiness, joy and love on the other side. That is my wish for all of us.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

There are times I don't understand why I can't speak my truth about what has happened because I will be viewed as the vengeful ex-wife.

You can speak the truth, if done calmly and without rancor or bitterness. The truth does will out!


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Topic Posts: 24