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User Topic: Did he sexually assault me? Tmi warning
Sorceress
Member
Member # 33420
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Hi.

Please relocate this topic if it doesn't belong here.

Some people will remember the back story. In a nutshell, ex cheated on me for two years with a best friend, then when he was "proving" his remorse he was arrested and eventually sent to jail for sleeping with a minor.

Fast forward to today. Complete NC with him. Looking through my old diaries trying to find references to when I was trying to fall pregnant with my daughter ( my sister is trying and wanted some fertility treatment info)- I got absorbed in reading. I always have kept diaries, I pour my thoughts and experiences into them.

I'm concerned. I'm actually wondering now if what my ex did to me classes as sexual assault? We were in a relationship- does that change things? Sometimes I didn't say no but you'd think the tears and the rigid body would have spoken volumes. After my daughter was born he would regularly grab me by the wrist and pull me up the stairs when she was asleep after a feed. I had an exceptionally traumatic birth, lost a lot of blood and had tons of stitches. I was very weak. I could barely stand without being dizzy or vomiting. There's no way I could have resisted. He would make me sit on the bed and he would stand in front of me and demand a hand job or oral sex from me. If I said I was tired or didn't want to, he would make me feel guilty that I was so "messed up" down there from birthing "the baby YOU wanted" and he couldn't do what he wanted yet so I would have to satisfy him this way. Maybe he was punishing me for being unable to continue his A directly after I had our daughter. When she was four weeks old he suggested we try full intercourse. I said no then. When she was four weeks and four days old, he started kissing me and trying to give me a massage to "make me feel better." I was happy. I wanted to feel better. It ended with him pinning me on the floor and penetrating me and me crying and biting my lip and saying "please stop, it really hurts!" He kept saying "no, you'll relax in a minute" and then "you're really killing the mood." I didn't forget this. I just didn't think about it again. I was so unwell and finding myself very unsupported living miles away from anyone I loved. I guess I imagined the way I felt was me overreacting from hormones or something. Seeing it all in my shaky handwriting later that night......ugh, I wanted to throw up!

Then a later entry in my diary details me going to meet a male friend for coffee and him calling me upstairs when I got home and waiting for me with no clothes on, behind a door!? Which he then slammed and called me horrible names, accusing me of sleeping with my friend, asking me if I'd washed his sperm away yet. I was saying "this is crazy, I've never cheated" and he just pulled my trousers off and forced me down and- well....you can guess. I don't want to put too much detail because it makes me feel terrible but the diaries are detailed. After this incident, I told him I hadn't wanted that at all, he should have stopped when I told him to and he said "so, what you're claiming now is that I raped you?! Give me a break!!" And laughed. Am I being really over sensitive here? And if I'm not, should I do something? Because wont it look weird that I didn't say anything before?! Anyone who can offer me advice, even if its to tell me to stop being so over dramatic, please- I invite you to comment before I overanalyse too much.


me- BSo 30, happily in new relationship
him-ex wso 40, child sex offender
DD-6 DS-4
I look for the good and admirable in every soul. The people that seem to be neither are terrifying.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: UK
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

What you wrote made me feel sick. yes, that's sexual assault. No real man would ever treat a woman, much less the mother of his child, like that. Nobody has the right to force themselves on you, regardless of your relationship status. What you described is definitely rape. Brutal, in fact.

Posts: 1557 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
MediumRare
Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Sexual assault or not, at the very minimum this is traumatic and abusive behavior to the extreme.

You WILL suffer damages from such abusive and disgusting behavior from an alleged "loved" one.

Are you in IC Sorceress? I'd strongly suggest this for all the hell you've been through with this "man" (hate to call him that from what you have described). At the same time, a good IC can help you recount these events clearer in such a way that may make a sexual assault charge easier to obtain and prosecute at your discretion.

So sorry you had to go through this! Good luck to you!


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 712 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
imagoodwitch
Member
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

That is really horrible, I think it qualifies as assault.


I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.


Posts: 5225 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
Sorceress
Member
Member # 33420
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

No I'm not in IC- I've got a lovely relationship now and I'm happy in my life.....it was finding these diary entries that I never forgot I wrote but it was like reminding myself they were there- If that makes any sense? There were parts in them that I had forgotten, mainly because they're so disturbing and so close to being pure evil that I don't think I would have been able to function with them in my head.

Nobody would believe me if I told because he'd produce intimate photographs he still has of me, despite requests to return them and intimate letters I wrote him at the start of our relationship and use them to defame my character- he did it to his ex wife. I know he would do it.


me- BSo 30, happily in new relationship
him-ex wso 40, child sex offender
DD-6 DS-4
I look for the good and admirable in every soul. The people that seem to be neither are terrifying.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: UK
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

OMG, I'm sick and disgusted by what you wrote.
YES, it was RAPE!
It is compounded that it was by someone who was supposed to protect you and treasure you. Not just as his wife, but as the mother of his child.
I'm sorry. I cannot imagine my STBXH ever doing something so heinous!
I just ate lunch so I'm now a little nauseous.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
MediumRare
Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Well, you know you best Sorceress... it just seems to me to be such a terrible, terrible weight to carry on your shoulders, especially alone! These kinds of things can sometimes have elusive impacts on ourselves in our day to day lives.

And actually, him storing 'intimate' photographs to use as blackmail actually would help in your case. It almost always goes hand in hand with that kind of manipulation, sexual assault and abuse.

I'm so very sorry you had to endure that kind of abusive relationship! And I hope you will take care of yourself to help cope/heal from such events.

Good luck!


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 712 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Yes, what you've described is rape. And yes, that he would blackmail you to prevent you from reporting it is evidence of his guilt. It would help your case, although you would have to deal with the embarrassment. A good IC would be able to help you with that.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9243 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

My stomach dropped, reading your descriptions.

Sexual assault while healing from a traumatic birth---OMG, that sounds horrendous.

In my book (and I have some background with this, as a rape victim advocate---and also as a victim who did not recognize the violation as rape at the time, perhaps because--like you--it occurred at a time when acknowledgement of it as such would have caused me to come unglued at a time when I could not afford to do so), this was rape. Pure, unadulterated rape.

And I am so very sorry you endured this.

I am glad he is out of your life.

I don't think you're over-analyzing. I suspect you've reached a point in your healing where you have become able to examine these things for what they were, so that you can process them and move forward constructively.

Our minds do tend to mete out trauma in manageable bytes.

Sorceress, don't hesitate to get help with this. Time has passed, but counseling is appropriate even long after the fact. An experienced trauma counselor is worth his/her weight in gold.

Millions of hugs to you.

ETA: Dealing with this constructively does not in ANY way have to involve him. I would strongly recommend that, whether you choose to address it criminally or not, you DO address it with a therapist.

[This message edited by solus sto at 6:13 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8313 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Honey, you're not overthinking or overanalyzing. You were absolutely assaulted. It breaks my heart how many times I've heard people wonder if being in a relationship means it's not rape. Any time you are forced or coerced against your will it is assault.

You did NOTHING wrong. You were vulnerable and confused. I'd love to see you get some support for this - it is too great a weight to carry on your own.

Please remember that you didn't do anything to deserve this, and you are not to blame. You deserve compassion and support for what you have been through.

(((Sorceress)))


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16335 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

(((Sorceress))) I am so sorry. How very horrible and disturbing. Your WSO is truly a sick, sick man. I hope he was sentenced to a very long prison term.

I would classify what he did as sexual assualt, Sorceress.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9403 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

First f all this was Rape. This was non consensual sex. He's lucky he's still around, meaning if someone had done that to me and any of my loved ones found out they would murder him.

He had absolute control over you and you are an abused woman. That's why you are afraid to do or say anything. Who the F cares if he has intimate photos of you. You were his wife it's not like you didn't have sex, I think that's a given so he has pics of you naked, giving a bj, or whatever unless your screwing a horse no one and I mean no one will give a rip and if they do they lead really boring lives.

You need to contact your local woman's shelter find support groups for rape and domestic violence. These are free and you are with women who have shared experiences. They are all at different stages of healing. Rely on friends and family for love and support. Do not be ashamed, be proud that you did your best but you can't fix that level of fucked up. Find peace in that.

Honey you deserve oh so much more. Share this with your new partner. He deserves to know. This will effect your relationship and of you ever trigger he will know why.

(((( and strength ))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7791 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

This is absolutely heartbreaking.... The pure cruelty of it. My heart absolutely goes out to you.

I never cease to be stunned and amazed at the hurt that some people are able to inflict on people they are supposed to cherish and love.

(((sorceress)))


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 632 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

What that man did is vile and repugnant. I don't see how it isn't assault. I'm sorry you had to suffer that.


ďFate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.Ē

Posts: 7347 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
openedupmyeyes
Member
Member # 27871
Angry  Posted: 7:00 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

This ^^^^^^^^ and everything said before. Omg. Yes this is rape. I'm so very sorry this happened to you.


Me:53 BS
Him:53 FWH Trying to make me a believer?
Years married:35
:03-01-10: The day I learned the truth
Kids:Daughters 4 all grown and married.
Reconciliation is hard.
Really freakin' hard.

Posts: 760 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Great State of Texas
Hope2B
Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

I am so sorry to read about this, and your pain.

In my opinion, it was rape, and it was also sadistic. That scares me for you! You are not being overly dramatic at all, as you recall these events.

I was so glad to read you have NC with him. Please seek counseling for the rape and the other issues that are wrapped up with it.


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo

Posts: 342 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Yes, rape, along with verbal, psychological, and physical abuse.

I'm so terribly sorry.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6529 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

What a pig.
Make this experience harden your heart a little. Let no man disrespect and abuse you in this manner ever again and insist on courtesy and appropriate behavior in your relationships.

Posts: 1689 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
UnexpectedSong
Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Sorceress - Even your posts before were indicative of sexual assault. Your diaries are only confirming this fact.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6073 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

(((Sorceress)))
I'm so sorry.

We were in a relationship- does that change things?
No. No means no, even when you are married or in a relationship. You ALWAYS have the right to say no, no matter who or when. In fact, you can be in the middle of sex and start to feel uncomfortable and you have the right to stop it at that point also.

Sometimes I didn't say no but you'd think the tears and the rigid body would have spoken volumes
Your ex is a sick man. I am sure he knew what he was doing. His pushing sex on you when you were not comfortable with it is a power and torment game. You were vulnerable and he took advantage. I'm so sorry.

I agree with getting a counselor to work thru this. You may feel like it isn't bothering you, but that type of trauma will sit inside until you are able to confront it and work thru the trauma. Make sure your counselor has experience with sexual/psychological abuse. A good experienced counselor will not push you to deal with anything you are not ready to, but the fact that reading your diary has brought back the old feelings and thoughts says that you have some healing to do yet on this.

I'm so sorry. No one deserves to be treated the way he treated you, and I am so glad you are away from him. Is the new guy understanding of any issues or emotions you have that may be triggered by this stuff?


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15092 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

I feel sick reading that. Yes, that's assault IMO. He forced himself, you said no, you said your hurting me..if it was a stranger you wouldnt question if it was rape, right? Just because your M, doesn't mean you don't have choices when you want to have sex or not have sex. That had to be traumatizing for you. I'm so sorry


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4705 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Iím a former cop who specialized in dealing with abuse and domestic violence.
This is rape.
This is assault.
This is domestic abuse.
There are no ifís or butís about it.

Arenít you glad you are rid of him?


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5482 | Registered: Sep 2005
EasyDoesIt
Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Whoa. Bad memories flooding my brain. If you didn't consent or weren't able to consent, it's rape, honey.

You need to contact a rape crisis center and just talk to someone.

I know exactly how you feel and I'm so very sorry that you went through this. He dehumanized and abused you. There is such a thing as spousal rape. Look it up in your state's criminal code.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3686 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Being married doesn't mean that you lose the right to say *no*.

He deserves to be in the exact place that he is.....jail. And he deserves to rot there.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7683 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Sorceress
Member
Member # 33420
Default  Posted: 3:36 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

I was never married to him, but in my opinion having children was a bigger commitment than signing a marriage contract. Plus he never asked me. I'm thankful that we never married. And I am so happy that we are not together now.

He got sixteen months in prison, eight served inside and eight allegedly served in the community. Although all that's happened is that he's been allowed to live back in this town and apply for jobs etc. I'm in England- our laws are different and naming and shaming him for being a child sex offender would incur criminal charges.

There is so much more in my diary than I wrote here. He's definitely messed up when it comes to sex. I don't know how to find a sex abuse counsellor here in the UK who wouldn't be obligated to inform the authorities. I'm not sure I'm ready for that.


me- BSo 30, happily in new relationship
him-ex wso 40, child sex offender
DD-6 DS-4
I look for the good and admirable in every soul. The people that seem to be neither are terrifying.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: UK
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

(((((Sorceress)))))


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36556 | Registered: Sep 2007
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

I don't know how to find a sex abuse counsellor here in the UK who wouldn't be obligated to inform the authorities. I'm not sure I'm ready for that.
Is that the "rule" in the U.K. for social workers/counselors? Here in the U.S. our ethical code is that we have a duty to warn, which means we have to report if we feel our client may harm himself or others. We also report if we suspect child abuse/elderly abuse. Those are the very few times we are supposed to break confidentiality; otherwise, confidentiality is sacred, and we also have to let our client know we will break confidentiality before we do it and for what reasons.

So, even if the client or someone the client knows has broken a law, confidentiality rules out. What are your rules/codes/laws for confidentiality? Also, if you see a counselor, they should go over their confidentiality rules very carefully and you have every right (and obligation) to make sure you ask questions and completely understand.

This would be worth checking into, because if that is what is stopping you from getting the help you need, it may not be totally valid.

And what about a protective/restraining order? Do you ever see him? Does he make you nervous that he is out there wandering around (or is he still in prison right now)?

I think, even if you can't see a counselor immediately, a very good step would be contacting a domestic abuse advocate/women's shelter. Your ex was abusive. You have every right to avail yourself of their services. I am not as familiar as how it works in the U.K. but I do know they have a domestic abuse hotline and that may be a good place to start. Even though you have left, you are still having some issues and a good advocate can help you work thru the mess he has left behind. And also, she/he can help you if you decide to go to court (over here, advocates will go to court with you, help you with all the paperwork necessary to file protective orders or criminal complains, find safe shelter for you and your children, help you find counseling, help you find a lawyer, help you find resources to get back on your feet, encourage and support you and so much more.)

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:42 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15092 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry that happened to you. What you described is the very definition of spousal sexual assault.

And to top it off your diaries, made soon after the events, are very compelling evidence of his assaults on you. They are very similar to a police officer's notebooks, which are recognized as the best way to document recent events in order to refresh your memory of them later when required to for court.

I highly, HIGHLY, recommend you make an appointment to speak with the sexual assault unit of your local police force.

Call their office, say you'd like to report a historic spousal sexual abuse case, that you have detailed evidence and that the abuser is already in custody on other sex related charges. Theyíd really like to hear from you. For them, itís a slam dunk.

This thing walking around discussed as a human being needs to have as many nails placed in his coffin as humanly possible. Driven in with pointy, jagged rocks.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 7:41 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 608 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
shatteredheart7
Member
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

YES, that is RAPE! Sounds like what a friend of mine went through, and has her youngest son as a result of.

Also, I would like to agree with getting IC. As a young teen, 13, I was date raped. I never told a soul. It wasn't until my first counseling session, 26 yrs later, that I opened up about it and it put so many things in perspective for me and my DH. I had no idea how much that experience from so long ago had effected my daily life for so many years.
Please go talk to someone about it.


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
Sorceress
Member
Member # 33420
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Under UK law I cannot get a restraining order against him unless there are documented incidents of him harassing me- and that's plural unless he directly endangers or assaults me. And I have total NC. I made it clear to his probation worker that he was not welcome to contact me or the children by any means and so far that appears to have been adhered to.

As for confidentiality- I know for a fact if you personally confess a crime during counselling or psychiatric sessions, the police will be called. And I have read plenty of accounts of the counsellor being duty bound to inform the police when hearing from the victim too.

It would never get anywhere, I'd be regarded as a liar and probably harassed or threatened and will have to move again... Charges are unlikely to be pressed as I had many many opportunities to do so and didn't- I never really properly mentioned it or organised my thoughts on it until now


me- BSo 30, happily in new relationship
him-ex wso 40, child sex offender
DD-6 DS-4
I look for the good and admirable in every soul. The people that seem to be neither are terrifying.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: UK
JKL Vikings
Member
Member # 32094
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

(((Sorceress))
What Bigger said...
There is no situation tht makes it OK to continue once you say NO


Her- Alpha Female 40
Me-FWH 41
Married since '02, together since 2000
D-day 2/10/2009
3 sons- J- born Oct 2001
K- born Sept. 2005
L- born Apr. 2008
We ALL have issues. It's how we deal with them that makes the difference

Posts: 515 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas, TX
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Ah, (((((Sorceress)))))). Yes you were assaulted. He had absolutely no right to do any of those things to you. If you can afford it you should join IC. If not, perhaps talk with someone in a church.

What this man put you through is terrible. What should have been a happy time in your life turned in to an awful time. He was trying to make you resent having your daughter. It sounds like a combination of punishing you because one-you had DD and two you found out about his A.

I am sorry you went through this.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Sorceress
Member
Member # 33420
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

I've read all the way through now- all the way up to today, as I wanted to see myself getting happier. I'm such a different person to that woman that was so trapped and just sadly accepting her fate was to stay in that relationship.
I never ever revealed any of the sexual stuff or the physical abuse (he did hurt me four or five times, nothing major but I did get left with bruises.) to anyone in my family or friend group- so they're going to think this is an attention seeking ploy and a big bolt out of the blue if I ever say anything. They're all so proud of me for breaking free of him- they'll treat me differently, see me as weaker if I tell them. And to be honest I am too embarrassed. I feel pathetic for both sides! Being worried to say anything AND actually having something to say that I'm not sure of the seriousness of it!


me- BSo 30, happily in new relationship
him-ex wso 40, child sex offender
DD-6 DS-4
I look for the good and admirable in every soul. The people that seem to be neither are terrifying.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: UK
TrulySad
Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry you went through this! It was rape, AND abuse. Thankfully you're no longer with him.

Like someone else here suggested, I'd look into contacting the local woman's abuse hotline. I realize it's been a while, but what if he gets out of prison and wants anything to do with your child? Don't ever assume that because he's in there right now, that the courts will never give him rights, where your child is concerned. For some crazy ass reason, some courts grant visitation regardless of who the parent is.

Make sure you have this documented. The law will probably want to see your diary (it's a timeline and documention). You don't want this monster to EVER come back and get his hands on your child.

In the meantime, congratulations on your new relationship . Keep in mind, as healthy as it is, you probably should still consider some IC. Even if it's just to reassure you, that how you feel you should be treated by a man, is actually the correct way. There may be things you still need to tackle.

Take care of yourself and kudos to you for being so strong!


Me: Done with his bullshit and getting stronger day by day

Posts: 422 | Registered: Jun 2013
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

^^^^
THIS is why abusers are able to continue to abuse. Please go back and reread that. Now consider if that were a friend, sibling, or even one of your kids in that situation. Would that statement be true?

NOT JUST NO, but HELL NO!!!!
They won't look at you as being weaker, they will support you, and be even more impressed with what you have been able to do since getting rid of him. In addition they will give you love and support through this. This is not attention seeking, and if you choose to find excuses why you can't share this abuse, physical, sexual, and mental with anyone that cares about you, or go to therapy then you are rugsweeping, and sister this shit will come back and haunt you.

Lastly this is not something you should be embarrassed about. You were manipulated, and isolated, to the point where his was the voice of reason. You are not the first person that this has happened to, and certainly won't be the last. You may not feel strong enough to share with loved ones, but trust me when I say Your loved ones will support you, they will believe you, and they won't judge you. They may get angry for what he did, they may be upset for the pain he caused, the damage he did. if they judge, then they don't truly love you.
I bet you will only be confirming what most of them suspected in the first place.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7791 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

((((Sorceress)))

What you went through makes me shudder and fills me with grief. And what your going through now can be so stressfull.

You're gaining strength and with it come a new perspective of what your life with him was like.

Back then i imagine you felt alone and that you didn't have any options but to struggle through the pain and hope things would get better.

But now you know you have both strength and options. And that what he did to you was evil. It shouldn't go unpunished and he should never have the opportunity to do it someone else.

I hope you find the strength to tell your friends, family and the authorities what a monster this person is. They will understand the fear and doubt you lived with back then. They will understand that you couldn't act until you realized just how strong you were and that you really did have options. And they will help you find even more strength.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 7:05 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 608 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Double Post
(Face Palm)

[This message edited by Twitchy at 7:04 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 608 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
Sorceress
Member
Member # 33420
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, September 27th (Friday)

I would hope that being a registered sex offender, forty years old, and having specific exclusions from being around children would prevent him from actually having another relationship. I can't think what woman would knowingly start a relationship with a man like that. The thing is, in this country there is a very strong and very wrong judgement of "if charges can't be pressed, it didn't happen." It is my word against his. And they're not allowed, under UK law, to take his prior convictions into account.


me- BSo 30, happily in new relationship
him-ex wso 40, child sex offender
DD-6 DS-4
I look for the good and admirable in every soul. The people that seem to be neither are terrifying.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: UK
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, September 27th (Friday)

Yes and no.

When proving his guilt, they can't use his prior convictions against him in court.

But an investigator will look at his history, and his convictions, and your hand written notes, made shortly after the event as strong evidence that there is more than just a "He Said She Said" situation here.

Even if he isn't charged or convicted, your report of spousal assault and spousal sexual assault will help the next poor victim when he lies his way into her bed.

Sorceress, I'm not trying to badger you into doing something you aren't ready for. By all means follow your instincts. But you have a strong case here. I've dealt with cases with alot less.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 608 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, September 27th (Friday)

Visit www.rainn.org

I used their online chat counseling, totally free and confidential, and it was amazing. It was a good baby step toward getting into therapy. Hopefully it works from UK. I promise they will not minimize the assault you endured.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response thereís a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
headdesk
Member
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, September 27th (Friday)

Yes, as many others have said, it is 100% rape. I was in a similar relationship in my late teens - same thing. Took me years to finally admit that it was rape. The physical/emotional abuse were easier to admit.

Have been in counseling for it since - in Canada they do not report it unless it involves a minor that could still be exposed to danger, or if they feel that you're in direct danger yourself.

Please keep in mind that the 'boogy man jumping out of the bushes' rape is actually pretty unusual. Most women are raped the way you and I were. You are also very not alone...1 in 3 to 1 in 2 women have been sexually assaulted during their lifetimes. This isn't your shame to bear at ALL. This is something that was done to you and is HIS shame.


Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, September 27th (Friday)

Sorceress, I'm in the UK too. They would only inform the police for child protection issues or murder, not for rape or sexual assault. I have discussed a sexual assault (not by WH)with my IC and she was not duty bound to report it. You can also discuss it as a hypothetical case or refuse to reveal the name of the person who did it to you, if you wish to protect yourself further.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - my friend 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - EA/PA - 'Fat Bottomed Girl'


Posts: 726 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 42