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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Did he really say this to our DD?
risingfromashes
Member
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

My 18 yo, just before she was about to leave for her first yr. in college, asked her Dad if he had cheated on me. He responded with "Yes I have been unfaithful" then added "But your Mother did not give me what I needed".

This is wrong on so many levels I do not know where to start. She was upset by his response.."How could he send this message to is Daughter? So if my Husband cheats on me it is my fault?" I was relieved that she understood this concept but somewhere deep inside she will always question herself.

What did I not give that he needed? Foreplay does not consist of watching porn in the other room then coming to bed all ready to rock-n-roll!

I am really BS about this statement. Confronting him will do no good. I just might have to anyway. Completely ignorant, self-absorbed, narcissist.
As my sister said when I told her about this:

"If he had a hemorrhoid he would find a way to blame you for it."

Wish he would just stop with the damage to our daughters


There is life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1638 | Registered: Mar 2004
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

All you can do is try to instill in her that infidelity is NEVER okay for ANY reason and if he felt there were problems in the M the proper thing to do is try to work them out with your spouse.

I have done this with my own kids, and emphasize to them regularly that I hope if they only learn one life lesson from this mess that it is NEVER okay to cheat on your spouse. I am waiting for the time when my POS says something equally stupid to my kids and I am being proactive to counteract it. Even if he never says it, they need to know they are always worth fidelity, no matter what happens in the marriage.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

My WW blamed me and my anger after dday for the bacterial infection she had as a result of her chemo. So not far off the hemorrhoid comment.

I agree with Phoenix1. Just let her know your thoughts about the comment in a calm, reasoned fashion. She'll see the difference.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 707 | Registered: Aug 2013
sleepless34
Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

OMG that really pisses me off! I want to punch that guy in the ass. I would let him have it.

That is way wrong. It says that "your role as a woman is to give your husband what he needs." It says cheating is okay. It says that a man's needs are more important than a woman's.

Okay- sorry to piss off the guys with such generalizations- no offense,I know you are the good ones and I am just talking about the bad ones, but feeling this way A LOT lately given the amount of cheating husbands I know about.....
The thing that chaps my ass is that for how far we have come as women, with great careers, jobs, success, equality- we are still have bend over backwards if we want to keep our marriage solid and "keep our men happy" almost just like our gramma's had to. It feels like you have to treat men like king of the castle, keep their little egos happy and their littler weiners even happier. We must be great mothers, great lovers, planners, house managers, all this other shit.

They do a little more than their fathers did and they think they are doing us a big favor. We think, hey why isn't this 50/50? and it rarely is, but they will be mad if you point that out.

We are supposed to appreciate all they do even if they take us for granted. Yes, I am a little bitter but I feel like I deserve it...sorry!


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Yes, X did this, too. He blamed me first for "the problems" that he made up and then tried t blame me for his choices. Now he blames me for his problems, though I haven't been in his life for about two years.

I've been told that it's part of the illusions that they create to feel better about themselves and live with their choices. It's what he got OW to believe and even though he lied to her, she keeps him. Uggh.

I'm sorry that he said that to your daughter, though, for her and for you that was not right. And must have been somewhat confusing, even with her teenage years.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2239 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:27 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

What a pig. Sad thing is he believes it. He believes if you did X he would not have cheated - your fault, see?

When truth is it wouldn't matter what you did - there's nothing you can do to make them NOT cheat just as there is nothing you can do to make them cheat.

I had the shittest husband on the planet for at least 5 years. He admitted so himself. Distant, moody, anxiety ridden, critical - he was depressed but refused to acknowledge it so decided to stuff the depression down by having affairs. Nice and distracting.

He wasn't running from me - he was running from himself.

Geez, they really are all the same, aren't they? You could almost set your watch to it.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5572 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
wontdefineme
Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

My xh told my child that when he was married that he would understand. My child was 14 when he said it. Even children know that is a lousy excuse and with answers like that they lose any respect they have left.

Posts: 2172 | Registered: Mar 2011
risingfromashes
Member
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

If I confronted him would it change anything? He would act as if he was sorry but just did not understand. He would vow to be more appropriate in the future.

Until the next time. then the next and the next.

It is not that I don't have the energy, It is the hard earned wisdom to know that nothing I say will stop his stupidly.

Just pray I can do enough damage control with my daughters to make a difference in their lives.


There is life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1638 | Registered: Mar 2004
Topic Posts: 8