Last night the light bulb went off in my head. For 16 years I have lived in fear of WS. He never once expressed unconditional love to me and so I hid things - finances, speeding tickets, shopping, etc if I thought he would get mad. We did discuss it and it was a long but nice talk but i realized I am still doing it and I'm done. I'm working on it and I know my fear didn't happen overnight so it will take time.
I also realized that forgiveness is key for me. While working on myself I decided I am tired on the anger and bitterness that seeps out into my life. It comes out toward my kids, family, friends, life in general and it isn't necessary. In forgiving I am not saying I am healed or that there won't be feelings of anger but I am choosing not to let it take away my joy or affect those around me who have done nothing to hurt me. I realize that with time I even have to choose to forgive OW.
I have also been putting WS first for far too long and always worrying about his thoughts/feelings/actions and I know I can't control him. What I hope he does is continue to love, respect me and work on himself but I can't make him. I can only choose for myself to be happy, do the things I enjoy and love and take care of my kids.
I know I'm rambling but it's been a good "me" day and I want to reflect on these thoughts/feelings when a bad day hits. Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013
Finally this is R 8/14/13
"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".