SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Why don't people judge anymore
hopeandchange
Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

User Topic: Having to invite another shitty WS into my home
The above post reminded me how sad it is that people no longer judge others by their actions

Upon learning of my stbxww A and our pending D, my SIL declared "I do not take sides"

In our neighborhood there was a sordid scandal. The OW attempted, twice, to have the W of her AP killed. The W was critically shot the WH was tried for attempted murder and acquired. The OW was. Convicted. The WH and his W are R

So I am picking up DS from a beachouse gathering and the adults are sociizing. Afterwards I learned that one of them was the infamous WH. Just another member of the group. And the WH still has the same law partner

Ugh!

H&C


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 405 | Registered: Sep 2011
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

I'm sorry, hope and change.

Here, too, are IL's that declare the same "I don't take sides" lines, but then I hear of various discussions or things that go on when they think I won't find out and it pushes me away more.

IL's aren't an easy part of thing-I tend to think of the ones I have as their own species because it is very evident now where X gets his dillusional tendencies from. And I'm finding that I don't have a lot of patience for it.

OW attempted some lesser things here and it really doesn't help our sense of security, does it?

I hope that you can get past this safely and collecting DS from the beachouse will just go by without drama.

Maybe you can wear headphones or get a phone call and not be able to stay long?


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Fwiw I''m super judgey


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3120 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

I judge cheaters. I judge them harshly. I find them as reprehensible as rapists and murderers. Sure their "crime" is not comparable, but I think it takes a similar mindset to do any of these actions.

It's absolutely disgusting to me and that is something that I have had strong feelings about for as long as I can remember. I have had a special disdain for cheaters since dealing with it in my childhood with my serial cheating father.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
LovesLaboursLost
Member
Member # 37272
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

I don't understand people who act like judging is worse than ANYTHING. I don't think one should be overly judgmental, but damn, some things are just wrong. Call em like you see em.


I'm a work in progress.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2012
Must Survive
Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

I think my tag line says how I feel about people that don't judge.


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 781 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

I judge the fuck out of people and make sure they know it. Why would I care what an unremorseful, non self-aware cheater thinks?

[This message edited by h0peless at 9:57 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1733 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
mandan66
Member
Member # 40075
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

(((h0peless))) Exactly!!!


Me: 47; WW: 48
2 DS: 9, 14
M:18--T:19
DDay: Jan/13
Divorced and Done!--7/13

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: KS
newlysingle
Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I'm super judgmental too. I think the problem is that if people haven't been through this themselves, they don't really get how horrible it is. I think anyone who knows our pain, would judge these people like crazy.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 918 | Registered: Mar 2013
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I judge cheaters harshly, and always have. My SIL cheated on my brother 17-18 years ago. I saw the emotional devastation it did to my brother, and stopped talking to her. My brother stayed married to her and to this day I haven't forgiven her and am simply cordial to her when necessary. I will never forgive her and she knows it. Unfortunately that means my brother knows what I am feeling, but even he admitted my SIL is an amateur compared to POS!

Cheaters deserve their own special place in hell with other soulless vermin. I told POS before we ever married that infidelity was the one thing I would never forgive. I will not knowingly associate with any cheaters. Yes, I judge them harshly, and long before it ever happened to me personally.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1189 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I judge people, yes.

A common friend of ex and I used to be very comforting to me. She said that what he did was wrong and karma would get him. She is a strong believer in Karma.
Then 1 year later she is socializing with ex and DOW after I told her they were engaged.
She told me after that he dotes on her and they are obviously in love.

I straight out asked her "then how they got together is ok now since they are obviously in love?"

If there were more consequences for the WS maybe there would not be so much infidelity.

I don't speak to that "friend" anymore. I don't have much hope in human nature anymore either.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
D-Day April 18, 2011
Him:out Sept. 11, 2011
He moved to Europe June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1420 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I am very judgemental of people that cheat and want nothing to do with them. I have a BIL that married the OW. Everyone in the family except me treats her like part of the family now. I am cordial, but I don't go anywhere near them if I can help it. I can't stand this BIL either (doesn't help he has my XWH#1's name). I never knew his wife, but everyone says she was a really sweet person and was devastated by the A to the point of attempting suicide. They had only been married less than a year when she found out according to what I have been told and he was screwing around on her with OW before they were even married. I took an instant dislike to them both before I even knew about what they had done just because of how they treated me when WH#2 and I started dating. They would wait until WH#2 wasn't around and say very rude things to me out of the blue for no reason. They hated the fact that MIL and FIL liked me so much more than they liked her and showed it.

Not too long ago MIL said something about her that showed me they only tolerate her because of the two kids they had. My WH#2 couldn't believe his mother felt that way about her. I told him that no matter what, she was a whore that broke up BIL's marriage. It didn't matter that she was rich and that the only reason BIL married her was for the money when all was said and done. I told him that his parents put up with it due to the kids, but it didn't change their views on what she was or what they did to his poor 1st wife and that his parents would never respect her. I told him just because people didn't always come out and say nasty things doesn't stop them from thinking them. I told him it would be like him trying to bring his OW into his family. Did he honestly think that anyone would really want to have anything to do with her? Unlike OW-SIL his OW didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of so his sisters/brothers/parents would have eat her alive and he knows it.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

hopeandchange...

My story is similar. The OW s first husband killed her OM and then himself. He was distraught that with a new baby at home, she was cheating with his boss/friend!!!! Her daughter is growing up without her dad because of this slut.

So, fast forward 15 years, she did the same thing to her H with my WS. She doesn't care who dies, who doesnt. It's about her.

And yes, all these friends of ours that my XWH lied to -- told them I was crazy he wasn't with her, now that he IS with her, they hang out with XWH and OW. In front of our children! And they say they are Christians.

I'm thinking that they are setting a terrible example to my children in that screwing around on your wife with her friend holds no consequences.

If ANYONE would have stood up to my XWH, told him to get right with his family, he probably would have...


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2206 | Registered: Jan 2012
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I am a firm believer in that if are not with me , than you are against me! You cannot stay neutral in this and be close to it , you either choose a side or stay far away! A mutual female friend told me she loved the both of us and does not judge , yet she never called me once and has been partying and on double dates with my stbxww and her new pos boyfriend! For me it's easier to cut them all off instead of picking through the phonies. Although I think it might hurt my custody trial. My best friend of 30 years I am very close to him and his wife . I found out he is cheating on her with another married woman with kids , I cut him off totally. No contact. He thinks it's because of my divorce that I went nuts but I am the only sane one around if he thinks his infidelity against his wife and kids makes me nuts! They will all be here one day with the infidelity and divorce rate the way it is and payback is a bitch!


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 678 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Are you kidding me? I think you need to start hanging around some different people. But I will admit, I was shocked at how NOT shocked people are at infidelity. Until it happens to them.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3400 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Sparky. Yes I definatly do have to hang out with new people. But the borough in nyc I am from this is an epidemic!


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 678 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I judge.

One thing I thought was ironic was the day before D-Day, my (unbeknownst to me) cheating husband, parents, and I went to visit my sister an hour away. We had a great time, and one of the things we discussed was a locally (in)famous case where a WH left his BW for the OW. The BW died and the WH was convicted of murder (the OW left him after his appeals failed.) The WH claims that his BW suicided and framed him in order to get back at him.

I remember discussing this and I felt very strongly that since he cheated on her, I didn't care if he was wrongly sentenced to prison as he deserved that for cheating on his wife. We discussed how cheaters were scumbags, and we talked about the cheaters we knew and how they were terrible people.

XWH confessed to his affair the next day. I wonder how uncomfortable he felt during that conversation


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3406 | Registered: Dec 2011
wannabenormal
Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I think deep down, in private, a lot of people DO judge - but what can you do when you work with the person or they're your neighbor or whatever?

Not saying it's right, but when it comes down to it, whether people agree with wayward actions or not; it wasn't THEM and they weren't affected so they don't really get it, ya know?



Posts: 14389 | Registered: Jun 2008
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I think the whole ''not judging'' people idea is fine, when it''s applied to the idea of not judging (and dismissing) people based off of superficial observations... I.e. hair, clothes, etc,... things that are relatively dynamic and can change easily... Something like infidelity is indicative of a much, much deeper character flaw... Being a person who is capable of inflicting cruelty on their loved ones... That doesn''t mean they have to be that person forever, but in the meantime, yeah.


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
momofone79
New Member
Member # 39158
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

This exact same thing ran through my mind today, when I found out that WH and his OW went to a neighborhood cookout together. Like it's perfectly acceptable for two cheaters to leave their spouses and go out together. All I could think is why were they invited...how do they even have friends any more?


Me: BW, 34
Him: WH, 38
M 9 years (T 16 years total)
1 toddler DD
Status: He's in the fog. I don't think he's leaving it anytime soon. I don't want to be second choice.

Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2013
wannabenormal
Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Momof79 - I think they find out quick who is or is not accepting. They glom on to the accepting crowd, because it's better for them.



Posts: 14389 | Registered: Jun 2008
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

I think deep down, in private, a lot of people DO judge - but what can you do when you work with the person or they're your neighbor or whatever?
Yes, I'll agree, but do they have to invited them to cookouts and hang out with them? There is tolerating them at work functions and not calling them an asshole to their faces, and then there's "hey, come on over, we're having a bunch of friends over! why don't you join us?"


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3400 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

I think they find out quick who is or is not accepting. They glom on to the accepting crowd, because it's better for them.
Yes!


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3400 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

I know. I totally don't get it. I judge cheaters and always have since before I knew I was married to one. I cannot have friends that do not share my core values. It's hypocritical.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, September 27th (Friday)

WS claimed that even his IC told him he shouldn't feel guilty when he went in for his first session.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Heal&Deal
Member
Member # 30910
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, September 27th (Friday)

Because the bad behavior is basically common place. If you started isolating everyone who was involved in an A, you would be greatly limiting your social circle and your networking capability. Not so great in the business world. Look at the statistics on this crap.
Sad, right?

Further, given the stats, the majority of people are somehow involved in an A, so they are naturally disinclined to condemn others for the behavior.

Another reason: many times the BS stays with the cheater. In this case, isolating the cheater, isolates the BS. If the BS chooses to forgive, so too must the social circle.

Personally, I'm choosey about who gets into my inner circle, the friends who are close to my heart. As far as the periphery and the neighborhood BBQ, forget it. It is virtually impossible to rid it of cheaters. Why waste the energy....


Posts: 917 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: USA
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, September 27th (Friday)

Yes I judge if the person is cheating on their spouse at that moment in time. My BFF cheated on her spouse I still love her but now she is a different person in my heart
I hope she finds herself and becomes the person I know she can be.
There are those that cheat and turn their lives around and become better people! Have to believe people can change.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 27