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User Topic: Grand theft auto 5
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

So my husband bought grand theft auto five when it came out. I knew my brother played that game in high school, and I knew that there were strippers in it.

I didn not, however, know that there were missions in the game where the character had to go to the VIP of a strip club where there are topless women (in the past, they have always worn pasties or bikini tops). Or that you can have your character get a private dance with the video game strippers.

I feel like I'm in a pickle. I told my husband he could get the game- but I didn't realize how graphic the game is. I am angry because if I had known, I probably would have said HELL F*ING NO!!! That kind of stuff is NOT in my values or appropriate or anything I want him watching (on tv, live, or in a video game). I feel offended and disappointed that he would want to play something like that knowing my feelings about that kind of stuff and considering our past.

He says I am overreacting, and I shouldn't be complaining because I said he could get the game.

Am I over reacting?


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Given the history of cybercheating, I don't think it's an overreaction.

I'd have a hard time with my WH playing this. (Thankfully he never got into games---and even more thankfully, we are separated!)

His history involves strippers, so it would be a definite no-go for me.

I am also of the opinion that you can't really "consent" to something if you are not informed. In medicine, we tell patients everything about procedures--possible problems that can occur included. Only then can they give informed consent.

IMO, if your husband did not tell you about this aspect of the game (and yes, I do think he knew of it), then you did not give informed consent----so his, "But you TOLD me I could get it!" argument falls flat.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8678 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Thank you! I don't know if he knew that they were going to be topless or not...and I don't care. If I say he can go to a bar that I am unfamiliar with, he goes, and it turns out to be an inappropriate place...he doesn't get to stay and then use the, "you told me I could go," argument. Boundaries are boundaries. We have boundaries set up about this kind of thing in movies and real life...and IMO, this is basically porn which is not okay. So argumentivly, if he knew OR not, it is still crossing a boundary.

Ugh. Just ugh. Sometimes, I swear, he sits around thinking of new and creative ways to be disrespectful.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 4:38 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Am I over reacting?

Sorry but the answer is a conditional yes

He doesn't really have to go and have sex with strippers or prostitutes etc I'm prettttyyy sure (90%) that there is no mission where he has to do that

In terms of values and whatnot: I guess so? But I think honestly you just need to relax about this. It's a game after all and most adult games have negative connotations (except for maybe halo)

That said I would be more concerned if he was playing games where he could chat online. Or where he gets too ingrained in the video game. That is banned from our house.

Obviously I say all of this because I let wh play it so perhaps I'm biased.


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
thenon-goddess
Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I'm going to go along with maybe overreacting a little. I understand what you are saying about the morals, but those are your morals and I guess I kind of go along more with the line of, your husband is an adult and he does not have to hold the exact same morals that you do. I think sometimes by getting in a position of micro managing, we can set our relationships up to fail that way. I guess it's up to you to decide how much of an issue it is. You can decide it is a deal breaker that he plays a video game that features a topless woman, or you can issue an ultimatum. But beyond that, it just becomes a useless fight if its not "deal-breakerish" you know?


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1244 | Registered: Feb 2011
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I understand the trigger and why it bothers you, but I think that the GTA series is well known for its graphic violence and brutality in that, well, you beat cops to death, run down civilians, etc. Viewing it as a whole I think the strippers are one the exceptionally low end of the scale when it comes to objectionable issues - but at the same time it hits home because it's a very sensitive topic.

If it bothers you right now, ask him to set it aside until you feel okay with it. Or to have the decency to stick to brutally murdering old women and babies and avoid paying for a virtual lap dance. If he has a story mission that requires he pass through a lounge then he should be able to blaze through and not stop to zoom in on pixel tits.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7444 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
BW2639
Member
Member # 34875
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I started (but didn't ) to buy that game ( for my teenage boys as they have played previous versions before ) but the clerk at the game store it is the "most foul game ever made". That, Coming from the guy who you would think would want to make a sale...


married 21 yr
Reconciling

Posts: 175 | Registered: Feb 2012
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I understand what you are saying about the morals, but those are your morals and I guess I kind of go along more with the line of, your husband is an adult and he does not have to hold the exact same morals that you do.

That is true...but we do have boundaries established for our relationship, and one of those boundaries is that he shouldn't be looking at other women nude. In real life (duh), in porn, in movies...I guess I never specified in video games either. But to me, I think porn is porn. If husband were to be watching anime porn, I would be upset because it takes away from our sex life and our marriage. We have had struggles in the past where he watches porn and then isn't in the mood to have sex with me- that's when porn became an issue and was completely taken off the table as far as what I will accept or allow in our marriage.

No, there is no mission in the game where you HAVE to have sex with a stripper. One of the missions, you do go into the club and go into the VIP lounge...and he CHOSE to make his character have sex with the stripper. I guess that's my problem with it even moreso. If he did what was required to complete the mission in the game, that is one thing. Go in, do what is required, get out. But staying in there and fooling around, IMO, is not a game. To me, it means that this is something he is interested in. The fact that he is interested in strip clubs, considering our history, is alarming and troubling for me.

He doesn't have to share my values...but in a lot of ways he does. I don't think people on two completely different pages as far as values and boundaries will have a very happy or successful marriage.

If he has a story mission that requires he pass through a lounge then he should be able to blaze through and not stop to zoom in on pixel tits.

That's exactly how I feel about it. I am disappointed that he seems to think it is okay in the first place. It makes me feel like he is not in fact making progress.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I should say, additionally, that I do tend to be an all or nothing person. I have very black and white beliefs about some things.

I am NOT attracted to other men in the least and am disgusted and mortally offended that he would ever be attracted to another woman while with me. We are conservative people, and I have become even moreso after the cheating.

The fact that he would want to look at anyone's tits, real person or not, other than mine is very hurtful and definitely crossing relationship boundaries that he is very much aware of.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Hmm. I don't think you are overreacting.

But it doesn't matter what I think..or anyone else...only how you feel about it matters. If this is a problem for you,he should respect that. if it triggers you,he shouldn't play this game.

Your dday was less than a year ago. He shouldn't be doing anything that hurts you.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:50 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7400 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
SoOver96
Member
Member # 40169
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Your not over reacting especially since it is a cyber active game if you have it on Xbox live I have gta4 and Xbox live but my WS just does the driving he likes UFC better

Posts: 171 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Illinois
thenon-goddess
Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I was reading from the bottom, up. When I read this...
The fact that he would want to look at anyone's tits, real person or not, other than mine is very hurtful and definitely crossing relationship boundaries that he is very much aware of.

I was going to say something along the lines of, just because that is a feature of the game, it doesn't necessarily mean he *wants* to do it.

But then I read this...

One of the missions, you do go into the club and go into the VIP lounge...and he CHOSE to make his character have sex with the stripper.

And now I have to say, I completely understand why you would be pissed. I would find that "weird" behavior from a non-wayward, but from a partner that had cheated, yes, it would be a red flag to me and cause me to feel angry.

Sorry, no real advice to offer, but I wanted to let you know that I do understand where you're coming from.


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1244 | Registered: Feb 2011
MediumRare
Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Hi BeyondBreaking,
I am so sorry this is causing you triggers, but I'm going to have to go against the flow here and say this isn't what you think it is.

I also play the GTA games and the strippers/prostitutes in these games are not alluring, arousing or attractive and they are not meant to be.

The GTA games are instead trying to be as politically INcorrect as they can be and they are highlighting the dark side of popular culture, sex workers and the drug/vice world in a dark comedy sort of way.

In the GTA, there are a number of "mini-games" that you play that are dark and full of irony, with the stripclub/VIP rooms and private dance being one of these sarcastic/ironic dark comedy mini-games.

If you look at the strippers, they are not meant to be attractive. They have the most bulbous, ugly, cantaloupe looking overdone implants, dark blue varicose veins, track marks, pimp stamps, ugly tattoos and overall druggie look. The "mini-game" aspect is to get their "LIKE" meter maxed, which is done by performing objectifying and insulting commentary to them while groping them. The "flirt" commentary is like "Keep telling me how handsome I am" or "silicon and desperation!" or comments on their "daddy issues" or other such degrading depravity. These things fill their "LIKE" meter (more irony). If you do this while a bouncer can see, you get thrown out and have to start all over so it IS like a game. Max out the stripper's "LIKE" meter and she invites you to her home (for sex), where you quickly pan to the next morning and now she is on your cell phone contact list, where you may call her any time from there for a health boost.

So that's it. It's a stupid, un-arousing, non-sexual "mini-game" that is designed to express an irony of sex workers in their depravity, pimped, drugged out, terrible plastic surgery, mental issues and the like.. and if you "win" the mini-game, you basically earn another easy way to give you full health when you get hurt in the game.

Lastly, not to spoil the game, but the stripclub is a necessity in GTA-V as it becomes a safehouse for one of the characters (safehouse is the place your character can rest/save your game, change clothes, and park cars you wish to keep). So having high "LIKE" meter and sleeping with multiple strippers is a quick way to replenish health from a quick dial on your cell-phone and/or visit.

Is the private dance/VIP/sex a 100% necessity? No, but visiting/using the stripclub is as it becomes a safehouse.

I seriously doubt your WH is getting any kind of sexual ya-yah's off the strippers or prostitutes in GTA as they aren't in the game that way. It's actually more a case of excessively degrading strippers & prostitutes and making them look fairly disgusting, unappealing and messed-up.

Sorry again as I can totally understand you seeing lapdances, private dances and sex in a videogame as being some form of porn/eroticism. But let me assure you, nothing could be further from erotic than the GTA games as the presentation is purely non-erotic, non-arousing and quite disgusting/degrading as a form of dark comedy against popular modern culture.

Lastly, I'd urge everyone to see Conan O'Brien's review of GTA-V. He also goes to the stripclub in-game (which leads to a LOT of hilarity) and showcases this (and other aspects) of the game:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EB_XX_IM8io

.. or if you just want to see his stripclub part and later:
http://youtu.be/EB_XX_IM8io?t=5m15s

[This message edited by MediumRare at 7:42 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 716 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
carnelian
Member
Member # 24824
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Been there, done that. Keep your boundaries. Anytime you hear something along the lines of "It's just a..." you already know what's up.


What are you going to do when he leaves you?

Posts: 564 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Europe
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Am I over reacting?

What MediumRare is saying is correct--it is about being as politically incorrect as possible...in all aspects of the game. That is what the GTA series are about. So in the sense of comparing it to porn---yes, I do believe this to be an overreaction. Especially if you ever tried the game.

But what is NOT an overreaction, and is a HUGE problem point, is your husband's indifference to your feelings about this. I can tell you this--if my WW, four YEARS out from D-day, came home with something that triggered me...and was nonchalant about my feelings...would discover a wrath that has not been shown in a long time.

There is no time limitations to insensitivity.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2052 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 3:29 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

I would have suspected that there would be something like what MediumRare described based on what I know of the franchise. Search for GTA San Andreas Hot Coffee. In that one, the player was expected to max out the like meter on multiple girlfriends, and instead of being a mini game for a buff, it was essential to a storyline mission. Of course the old San Andreas strip club had a different boost/cheat, get your character as fat as possible early on, then go to the strip bar when the group of high rollers was throwing money on stage, and stand in just the right spot to pickup the money without being touched by the stripper (gets you shot by the bouncer), leave the game running and go to bed, when you come back after work the next day your character will be emaciated and rich.

That being said, I would not expect your WH to have known the specifics of the storyline or gameplay prior to purchase since it just came out. Down in the betrayed mens thread in ICR, there is a spoiler about one mission that is certainly a trigger, as one of the characters becomes a BH. Fortunately this is GTA, so there is a ready outlet for the murderous intent.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:19 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

I don't think it really matters what the point of the game is.

Bottom line: You don't like it. It bothers you. It triggers you. It has inappropriate content, it is not ok with you..end of story.

You don't have to rationalize this. Im sure many of us have triggers that don't make sense *at all.* But they are a trigger,nonetheless.

For example..my WH can't watch Ice Road Truckers anymore. He can watch it online, but not if Im around. They use the word "load" a lot. In a totally innocent manner..but that particular word, as gonnabe would say, makes me feel stabby. So..no more Ice Road Truckers.

Does that make sense? Nope. It doesn't have to. It bothers ME.


So..if this is a problem for you..it doesn't really much matter,IMO, if it's "fair."

NOTHING about this bullshit..infidelity..recovery..etc..is fair.

Cheating has consequences. This is one of them. A wayward may have to give a few things up,because they need to make their BS feel safe.

I think it is perfectly ok for you to tell him this game has to go. You said he CHOSE to have sex with one of the strippers in the game..and he has a history of strip clubs and cybercheating.

Overreacting??

Not even a little bit.

[This message edited by confused615 at 5:20 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7400 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
soconfusednow
Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

I think it is perfectly ok for you to tell him this game has to go. You said he CHOSE to have sex with one of the strippers in the game..and he has a history of strip clubs and cybercheating.

Overreacting??

Not even a little bit.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. What people often don't understand is.. the more they expose themselves to that stuff the more it seems ok and it becomes easier to take the next step.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

For the average person---and I have an older teen boy who plays this game--GTA may be a mission to be "as politically incorrect as possible."

For a Wayward with a history of infidelity who has an AGREEMENT with his BS that he will NOT watch TV, movies, etc. with nudity, it's not an "overreaction" to withdraw "permission" for GTA upon learning that said WS has chosen to have his character have sex with a stripper in the game.

No, GTA is not high-def porn, but with the wrong mindset, it can trigger the same kinds of chemicals. The imagination is a very powerful thing. This is part of the reason why we set boundaries in the first place--so we don't head down paths we don't wish to travel.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8678 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

If you look at the strippers, they are not meant to be attractive

Well that''s awesome. It''s ok to be flippant about these virtual women & the male orientation of the game bc the strippers ugly. So it follows that you wouldn''t think the game parameters would be ok if they were pretty? You buy into the idea that ugly is ok to treat like shit? Good to know that the demarcation line is a woman''s appearance. Justify the game all you want, but if you are so desensitized to stuff like this, then I feel sorry for you.

[This message edited by cayc at 7:27 AM, September 26th, 2013 (Thursday)]


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3082 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
sadone29
Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

The point is that he isn't taking your feelings seriously. That's the big issue here! If it's really just a game to him, he should be able to take it or leave it.

I get what the guys here are saying, but if you're not a wayward or a SA, you probably can play this and not be affected. My SAWH couldn't even attempt to play this game, especially because of the humiliating aspect to it. He's also had to stop watching most tv shows. I'm glad he has recognized this, and it's not something we argue about.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
5 year long EA (still believe PA), webcam girls, contacting hookers
Preparing for D

Posts: 706 | Registered: Mar 2013
MediumRare
Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Well that's awesome. It's ok to be flippant about these virtual women & the male orientation of the game bc the strippers ugly. So it follows that you wouldn't think the game parameters would be ok if they were pretty? You buy into the idea that ugly is ok to treat like shit? Good to know that the demarcation line is a woman's appearance. Justify the game all you want, but if you are so desensitized to stuff like this, then I feel sorry for you.

Quite the surreal interpretation of the text...

This would be the same scenario if you said a male villain in a TV series was designed to be disgusting and unlikeable and I then insulted you on your obvious sexist misandry... that if he were handsome or charming that his ill deeds would somehow be okay.

The point was quite simple and does not drag any of this baggage into the equation: the nudity and sex in GTA-V is not intended to be pornographic or arousing... period.

So yes, quite simply- the strippers/prostitutes are intentionally designed, modeled, visualized, acted and depicted to not be attractive, erotic or arousing but instead designed to elicit a very negative response, i.e. disgust, depravity, etc.

Also, it's their behaviors, responses and mentality that are meant to be unattractive, not so much just their physical appearance... but thanks for narrow minded look that all that men find in woman as "attractive" is their appearance..

GTA-V is not meant to be a "sexual" game by any means. The nudity/sex in it is dark.. very dark and very disgusting. It isn't meant t be "sexy" or arousing by any stretch of the imagination.

There ARE many games meant to be "virtual porn", with scantily clad women in a different light and also very sexually objectifying situations or scenarios. DOA, for example is objectifying... or even Killer is Dead and Catherine... the latter being focused on infidelity.

All that being said though, to the original poster's issue- her WS likely did not intentionally try to manipulate buying this game to use as a form of virtual porn. Now if his BS triggers this way, even if it's totally baseless and completely misunderstood, then he should be understanding of this and work to do WHATEVER it takes to make his BS feel safe and work through the trigger... even if it means giving up the game entirely.

As someone else said- being a WS has it's costs. This is one of them. Many WS's have had to give up their careers (as AP may have been at their work), their bowling leagues, or weekend hobbies if they want to save their marriage. If they hadn't cheated, then this wouldn't be the case.

BeyondBreaking- I just felt it important to help you understand that the hurt you are feeling is likely NOT your WS trying to look at other women or getting aroused at someone else. And, it likely NEVER crossed his mind this stuff would hurt you. These GTA games are SO over the top that they are pure and simple, stupid comedy with little to no 'erotic' impact whatsoever. I'm really sorry it triggered you and it makes total sense that it would! I just feel it's likely a huge misunderstanding and that the two of you should be able to work it out so you are comfortable and feel safe, whatever that might be.

Good luck to you!


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 716 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Quite the surreal interpretation of the text...

No quite an accurate interpretation of what was said. The action "isn''''t that bad" because the characters are ugly. Because fucking ugly women doesn''''t count because how could fucking an ugly woman ever be erotic?

This would be the same scenario if you said a male villain in a TV series was designed to be disgusting and unlikeable and I then insulted you on your obvious sexist misandry... that if he were handsome or charming that his ill deeds would somehow be okay.

But I didn''''t say that. Nor did I mention misanthropy of either gender. I merely pointed out that his justification was ridiculous, because it was just that "justification" as in see, look, it''''s not that bad because xyc!"

The point was quite simple and does not drag any of this baggage into the equation: the nudity and sex in GTA-V is not intended to be pornographic or arousing... period.

You mean it isn''''t arousing to you.

I don''''t care if you like GTA or games like it. I just think people who play them should be honest about what''''s what instead of trying to pretend it''''s something that it''''s not. And you''''re being disingenous to not realize why there are people who might think the themes portrayed in such games are not ok. The simple fact that this thread was started by someone who is suffering from her WH''''s attraction to those themes should be self-evident of that.

[This message edited by cayc at 4:16 PM, September 26th, 2013 (Thursday)]


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3082 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
MediumRare
Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

I just think people who play them should be honest about what''s what instead of trying to pretend it''s something that it''s not.

Unlike those that have never played them, know nothing about them, but yet instantly deem themselves subject matter experts and question anyone that provides evidence otherwise as being "disingenuous"... gotcha.

Seriously, there is no point in continuing this discussion since you've made up your mind with no experience in the matter, plus too busy projecting objectification nonsense on others when nothing of the sort has been provided.


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 716 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

I personally don't think you're overreacting, and I would feel the same way.

My wBF bought these games before Dday, and they even bothered me then. I know that one part of the game is raping women on the street. To me, that goes against my values. And for him to buy and play a game that involves raping women signals to me that his values are not the same as mine. He thought I was overreacting of course, and still played it. I eventually dropped it.

But I seriously hate these games. I think they allow players to live in a fantasy world where you cheat all the time, rape women, and have sex with strippers. I don't think at all that the players "get off" on doing these game things, and I don't think that the players are looking at the women and feeling sexually aroused. However, I do 100% believe that a man who has the same morals and values that I do would not find enjoyment or entertainment out of doing these things in a game. It personally disgusts me, and I want the man I date to feel the same way about it.

Now that I know my wBF has cheated though, there's no way I would be okay with him playing this game. I would see him doing it as a sign of disrespect to my feelings.

So, no, I don't think you're overreacting.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Jul 2013
MediumRare
Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

One thing I really should add is that this game will be VERY triggery for both sides of the coin.

One of the main characters comes home to his wife in bed with every kind of activity instructor that is half her age after work. First her tennis instructor, then her yoga instructor, etc. etc.

Rockstar games ( the makers of the GTA games ) intentionally tries to shine very, very bright light on the perils of modern "society" and it does not hold back in any way.

I agree with LonelyGirl10 100% that these topics/things ARE disgusting and extremely hard to watch. In a way, I think this is why Rockstar made $1 billion in sales inside of 3 days.. it's because these ugly topics of our society are turned away from and ignored, whereas they make a mockery, dark comedy and shine a spotlight on these things as well as tell a story with characters deeply enmeshed in this terrible place, and with exaggerated depravity, their stories never come to a good/happy end. (i.e. there is a greater message involved).

If you haven't played a GTA game from start to finish, it's very hard to understand and I'll leave it at that.


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 716 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, September 27th (Friday)

Cayc

I don't understand how you could comment not seeing or playing the game. I feel like you're unfairly attacking MediumRare based on... nothing

I've seen the game and my wh is playing it as I speak. Was it a little triggery at first... yes

Is it ridiculously over the top and comedic. Yes. Did I get over it TWO SECONDS later. yes

That doesn't mean to say that BeyondBreaking should put in some rules if that is what will keep her emotionally safe.

But seriously... you have no basis for personally attacking MediumRare. Considering you took his comment out of context and attacked his character. I think that says more about yours than his

[This message edited by lauren123 at 7:44 AM, September 27th (Friday)]


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
vivere
Member
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, September 27th (Friday)

He says I am overreacting, and I shouldn''t be complaining because I said he could get the game.

Hmmm at least he''s not very sensitive to your discomfort. At worst he is putting a game ahead of supporting you with a ''trigger''.

If this is all he had to say in response to you asking him not to play I''d say he sounds a bit like a petulant little boy.


You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012
TrulySad
Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, September 27th (Friday)

I think you're right to be upset! Wow, so now we have programs that allow for a person to place themselves into a character's position, and act out some pretty shitty things, and we market it to men of all ages, and call it a game??? And the men think this is fun???

First, people need to grow the heck up. I realize video games have their place. But I see them as similar to Barbies. Women played with Barbies as little girls. I don't care how much they could change them into something marketable towards grown women, I'm NO longer interested in sitting around playing with dolls. Kinda creepy actually. Men sitting around playing video games, at these ages, makes me question how grown up they actually are. (sorry if that offends anyone).

And we wonder why we live in a society where adultery is as common as speeding


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 452 | Registered: Jun 2013
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, September 27th (Friday)

So that's it. It's a stupid, un-arousing, non-sexual "mini-game" that is designed to express an irony of sex workers in their depravity, pimped, drugged out, terrible plastic surgery, mental issues and the like.. and if you "win" the mini-game, you basically earn another easy way to give you full health when you get hurt in the game.

Lastly, not to spoil the game, but the stripclub is a necessity in GTA-V as it becomes a safehouse for one of the characters (safehouse is the place your character can rest/save your game, change clothes, and park cars you wish to keep). So having high "LIKE" meter and sleeping with multiple strippers is a quick way to replenish health from a quick dial on your cell-phone and/or visit.

Is the private dance/VIP/sex a 100% necessity? No, but visiting/using the stripclub is as it becomes a safehouse.

I seriously doubt your WH is getting any kind of sexual ya-yah's off the strippers or prostitutes in GTA as they aren't in the game that way. It's actually more a case of excessively degrading strippers & prostitutes and making them look fairly disgusting, unappealing and messed-up.

I have to back BB and say this is not cogent to the issue because if that's the case he shouldn't be playing the game at all.

wrt the perceived allure of digital titties, it's entirely irrelevant. It's very obviously a sexualized representation of a woman, her attractiveness is not the issue. The man is a WS and they have had issues with porn in the past where it has impacted their intimacy, so BB feels that even the digital titties should be off the table for close inspection because they make her uncomfortable due to his attentive behavior to them, not their existence in the game (If I am reading that incorrectly then I apologize sincerely).

I have not played GTA V so I don't know the involvement required to zoom in on pixelboobz. There is a station in Metro: Last Light where Artyom passes through a strip club. You have the option to sit and watch a pole dancer and toss her some change, and an option to pay for a lap dance also. These are options, though, and not necessary to the game completion. In fact I will spoiler and say that performing either of those actions builds negative morality and leads to, well, not the ending where everybody survives. Listening to the dancers chat in the dressing room, OTOH, provides positive morality points. It's an interesting game in that regard, though I'm still vastly amused that lounging in a stripper dressing room (and a bathing area ) provides positive points towards the alternate ending... anyway.

The point is, if I were a WS who had demonstrated performance issues in the past due to porn, I'd blaze through the area and if it was too important to avoid, I'd not play the damn thing because it obviously causes my wife distress. It's like watching a woman lie to her H or belittle him in an amusing way in a sitcom to me, the context may be innocent or normal for the average population but it hits a sore spot for me, however small a thing it is.

So while what you are saying about the game is perfectly reasonable and valid in its way, it simply does not apply IMO. They are not yet in a place where the intended delivery of something like this takes precedence over the personal pain caused by other events that become associated in a general sense like this.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7444 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, September 27th (Friday)

^^^^^^^^What he said!^^^^^^^


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9647 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, September 27th (Friday)

He says I am overreacting, and I shouldn't be complaining because I said he could get the game

Oh dear God. Forget the commentary about the actual game (nicely done, by the way Medium) this statement right here is the whole problem.

If I weren't on this site and overheard this I'd assume a child was being discussed here ...not a grown adult.

You see x. He sees y. You don't understand y. He doesn't get x and is pretty pissed that he now can't play the game you "allowed" him to get.

Spoiler alert...result epic failure.

He's got to be the one that is drawing his boundaries, making these choices, considering your feelings. Anything imposed will be rebelled against. Anything "allowed" then taken away when you are uncomfortable with the content will be resented and foster anger.

He's not a child. He is an adult. If he isn't acting like the adult you want him to be then you have choices and decisions to make.

Thinking you can shape the relationship by imposing your wants, no matter how valid and justified you feel they are and may be, is a recipe for disaster. It doesn't work. It won't work.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, September 27th (Friday)

Agreeing with everyone that considering it makes BB uncomfortable and his infidelity history, it is a serious issue. Hope he can listen to your feelings, BB, and understand where you're coming from.

t/j Good to read both sides about this game. H asked for it as a present and I ordered it already. Will be interested to see how it goes and what my own reaction is. If anything, I foresee the "I *have to* sleep with the strippers because it's a necessary part of the game" part as being triggery, even understanding that it's in the game's character. The "I had to because we were housemates, because we see each other around, because xyz situation exists that put us together, etc" remains a big excuse for some of his EAs... end t/j


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
TheGarden
Member
Member # 40788
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, September 27th (Friday)

Maybe a little late to the party here, but I am a BW who is a gamer. GTA is actually one of my favorite series (yes, women actually play this game sometimes too!)

So my DDay was 10 weeks ago, and I have to say that playing GTA V has actually been very cathartic for me personally over the last two weeks. For one thing, there is a mission where one of the main characters gets to take out some justifiable aggression on his cheating wife's AP. Far from triggering me, I actually *liked* that mission and was only sad about it because (spoiler) you don't end up getting to beat the everliving crap out of the AP, you only cause a problem for some random mobster's Russian girlfriend (although obviously she's not a 'friend of the marriage' either because she's protecting AP from his well-earned beating, so... )

Then again, my WH's affair was with one of my best friends, and he's never had anything to do with strippers or prostitutes at all. My triggers aren't about sex-for-hire or porn, they're all about normal life things, like having friends over for dinner and the music we used to listen to together as friends.

Anyway, I just thought I might offer a different, BS, perspective on the game.

However, I do agree fully that if it is a trigger and a problem for you personally that perhaps your WS could put it aside for right now (or forever). If he really wants to work on this with you, no video game should be more important to him than your marriage.

[This message edited by TheGarden at 9:10 PM, September 27th (Friday)]


Me: BW, 39, Him: WH, 43; married 9 years, together 13 years
DDay:July 2013; EA progressing to a PA
APs: ex-"friend" & her enabling polyamorous husband
Status: Dual-income-no-kids, 2 cats, taking it day-by-day, married till we're not

Posts: 60 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, September 27th (Friday)

Oh wow, I didn't realize this would be a big fight thing. Sorry. :(

Medium-Rare- thank you for providing a gamer prospective of the game.

My issue is, that just because something is unattractive and not seen (to most people) as sexual doesn't mean MY husband isn't looking at it in a sexual manner and visualizing that in bed with me. That is behavior he did before, and therefore I don't trust him.

Before he cheated, I would have had NO problem with the game because I had no reason to fear that he would:
a) view "pixel tits" arousing in anyway shape or form OR
b) have sexual arousal by someone else, in real life OR porn/television get in the way of us and our sex life.

Then, I SAW with my own two eyes what he was getting off to, and was was taking away from our sex life. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine he would find a 300+ pound woman on the internet, beat off to her pictures and sext with her, lie to me about it AND then be to tired later on in the evening when I got home. But it happened. So do I think HE views the stripper tits in the game as sexually arousing? Who the heck knows. If he found the pictures I saw attractive, I pretty much am offended by worms at this point.

Others:

In addition to not trusting the fact that he is "just playing a game" and not sexually aroused, I am upset that he is wanting to play this kind of thing in the first place.

Maybe that is where our troubles lie. Some of you may remember we had a HUGE fight because he wanted to take me on a trip to vegas 6 months after Dday #2. I didn't want to go there. I think parts of vegas are inappropriate, and I just don't have those values. It was a huge fight, we ended up going and fighting there, and it was a disaster. The bottom line that we settled on is that WE just don't have those kind of values. Our new ideal vacation spot is disneyland, or somewhere a little more family friendly and a little less inappropriate. Chugged along, things were great...now he is gravitating towards things that are on the edge and a game featuring the stripper/cheating/stealing/not good lifestyle. Stuff that WE discussed and WE decided that WE don't believe in. It hurts and it sucks that he is wanting to play something like this in the first place.

I know that he is an adult, and he is allowed to have his own values. It feels, at this point like he is argeeing with me for a certain amount of time, and telling me he shares the same values as me, then waiting it out and testing the waters once some time has passed. It is hurtful and confusing. If he didn't share the same values as me, he could have just said so and we never would have gotten married in the first place.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, September 27th (Friday)

Unlike those that have never played them, know nothing about them, but yet instantly deem themselves subject matter experts and question anyone that provides evidence otherwise as being "disingenuous"... gotcha.

While it''s true I haven''t seen GTA V since it just came out, I''ve seen versions 1-4, as well as tons of other video games because shocker people, I play them too.

If you don''t think there''s anything wrong with that game, fine. But others do and yes it is disingenuous to not recognize that.

Frankly I''m shocked to be told I''m not allowed to have an opinion about it unless I''m a gamer. If the standard at SI is that you cant have an opinion unless you are a SME then what''s the point of posting about any thoughts, feelings etc. since that''s what we relate to here.

Clearly, some take my criticism of the game as a criticism of themselves, and if that''s the case, then you''re protesting too much. I most definitely am criticizing the game, & the casual defense as if bc you don''t care, no one else should be bothered is not right. Besides, if you really thought the game was all super ok, my comments wouldn''t elicit attacking me directly & telling me I''m not allowed to have an opinion, you''d merely disagree & say, meh, I don''t see that.

So thank you Medium Rare, I said nothing directly against you like you did to me. I didn''t devalue your opinion or tell you you don''t have a right to one. I really appreciate it.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3082 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, September 27th (Friday)

It feels, at this point like he is argeeing with me for a certain amount of time, and telling me he shares the same values as me,

Well, yeah. You don't have to be Nostradomus to see that. You have a problem with the game and feel it goes against your values. He doesn't.

Pretty cut and dry. He wanted to take you to Vegas. You don't want to go because parts are "inappropriate".

Maybe time to rethink your compatibility.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, September 27th (Friday)

I think you're right to be upset! Wow, so now we have programs that allow for a person to place themselves into a character's position, and act out some pretty shitty things, and we market it to men of all ages, and call it a game??? And the men think this is fun???
First, people need to grow the heck up. I realize video games have their place. But I see them as similar to Barbies. Women played with Barbies as little girls. I don't care how much they could change them into something marketable towards grown women, I'm NO longer interested in sitting around playing with dolls. Kinda creepy actually. Men sitting around playing video games, at these ages, makes me question how grown up they actually are. (sorry if that offends anyone).

Just had a discussion about games down in betrayed mens thread.

Here's the thing, videogames are where the best storytellers are writing now. The story is interactive, has some different possible outcomes depending on how you play it, but there is a story. Check the credits, and virtually every game out there except for sandbox MMO's has writers listed, and a lot of the characters you will encounter along the way are very deep, even if they are only in the game for a few seconds to sell you ammo or move the story along somehow. Now following these stories takes a bit more effort than just having it spoon fed to you like in the latest men are jerks romcom, or episode of "cheating disney princesses", or sitting down on the couch curled of with 50 shades of astray. However, there is a very intricate story that gamers get involved in with these. Hell, just try to get through the wiki about World of Warcraft as it goes into all the backstory of each character, and their role in the plot for each expansion is, the story of Arthas Menethil is heartbreaking and tragic, but unless you play the game, you won't know.

The GTA series has a lot of social commentary built into it, and being developed in the UK, a lot of it is of the "this is what sucks about America" variety.

MediumRare was not saying it is okay to do these things to unattractive women, he was saying that these things were all made to be unattractive in every way they could. The strip bars are made seedy, not glamorous, the whole lifestyle is portrayed as undesirable.

Here's a hint about the GTA games and what to expect: You are playing the Bad Guy. Your whole world is going to be pretty superficial and undesirable, and everyone you deal with is going to be a little creepy. There are no role models to emulate. That doesn't make the game any worse than watching Breaking Bad, though if your spouse just got out of prison after serving time for cooking meth, I can see why you would not want them to be watching Breaking Bad.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
Flatlined123
Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, September 27th (Friday)

I'd snap it in half like a toothpick!


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jun 2012
Dreamland
Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, September 27th (Friday)

Double post

[This message edited by Dreamland at 9:01 PM, September 27th (Friday)]


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Dreamland
Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, September 27th (Friday)

Oh so sorry it's a trigger..
But I too am a BW and I have played the game and I plan on getting GTA V which I love by the way..Believe it or not it was my daughter and I that played while my H was fucking his bitch. And he hates video games.
Perhaps you are over reacting and it's not really not sexually alluring but I understand that you are upset by it. Honestly as a player it's more just fun even if it's a bit warped.
Focus on other aspects that work towards R and his behaviours. Think of it this way better that he play GRA then be online or out. But I would say not xbox live on any games.
Sorry and sending hugs


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, September 27th (Friday)

Okay, I am about as dorky as it gets when it comes to gaming but the GTA series is not a storytelling masterpiece anymore than the Bloodsport movies are.


That said even if Bloodsport is the epitome of Martial Arts documentaries I think she's allowed to say she doesn't want it in her house if her H has a history of violence, as it were.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 10:14 PM, September 27th (Friday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7444 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, September 27th (Friday)

That said even if Bloodsport is the epitome of Martial Arts documentaries I think she's allowed to say she doesn't want it in her house if her H has a history of violence, as it were.

Exactly. Some folks might see Bloodsport or GTA or whatever as enjoyable entertainment, and that's fine. For other folks, it hits a little too close to reality/home, so it's not a viable way to relax - can actually bring up traumatic thoughts and feelings instead. After the Sandy Hook Shooting, I asked H not to play gun-based video games around me, and he respected that for a few weeks. Both to avoid the horrible images/crying and also out of respect for those kids. Everyone's got their own reactions. In a marriage, ideally you care about each others' reactions and difficulties with certain things because you care about each other, and you support each other as best you can. A sign of teamwork.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, September 27th (Friday)

Okay, I am about as dorky as it gets when it comes to gaming but the GTA series is not a storytelling masterpiece anymore than the Bloodsport movies are.
Don't know about GTA V, I only ever finished San Andreas. That one seemed to have a pretty good story, with a lot of social commentary about the era built into it. The series also has character arcs that span multiple games titles. Maybe you like the story, maybe you don't. It's okay to have different tastes.

That said even if Bloodsport is the epitome of Martial Arts documentaries I think she's allowed to say she doesn't want it in her house if her H has a history of violence, as it were.

Kinda cover that I think.
There are no role models to emulate. That doesn't make the game any worse than watching Breaking Bad, though if your spouse just got out of prison after serving time for cooking meth, I can see why you would not want them to be watching Breaking Bad.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, September 27th (Friday)

The problem is this: if we are going to talk Breaking Bad, it's like talking Breaking Bad in a rehab center full of freshly admitted addicts. Yeah a bunch of them may not be junkies but discussion of the depths of Walter Whites character is really out of place given the context of the environment, regardless of the storytelling quality.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7444 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
MediumRare
Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 2:28 AM, September 28th (Saturday)

Hi BeyondBreaking!

Please, do NOT take any ownership of the "discussion" that transpires here. GTA games contain a huge amount of cultural, political and societal overtones so it's completely normal for people to engage in debates when these topics are involved. I'm very sorry as those side discussions started to thread-jack your original query...

To answer your original issue- did you over-react? I can say quite clearly from my opinion, yes you did... BUT I would also interject I would expect this being a BS myself and consider it quite normal and even in some ways, healthy.

Imagine a 3-tour Iraq soldier finally being returned home. As you're walking down the street, a car backfires and he immediately panics and runs for cover. Did he overreact to a car back-firing? Sure, he absolutely did. Is there anything wrong with this? Nope, nothing at all.

As victims of infidelity, we're suffering from a form of PTSD similar to the above scenario. You over-reacted from a trigger brought on by that game. I similarly over-react when I am triggered. It's part of the PTSD-like fallout that infidelity creates.. period.

We're all here because we're suffering from this. Our lives got turned upside down from infidelity and we're all here to support one another in this painful and suckful experience.

Your WS put you in this mode with his infidelity. If he wants to save the marriage then he needs to get USED TO you "over-reacting." From this trigger and likely many more. This is the human cost of infidelity.

The only thing I was trying to do was explain that his part in this was likely very innocent and just a stupid and insensitive mistake. These GTA games may contain sexual content, but it's truly portrayed in such a NON-sexual way that the connection likely never entered his mind.

In some ways, it's like if my WS bought an SNL Greatest Episodes boxed set. She might watch the Chris Farley male stripper scene and laugh at it, yet I may trigger from it as though she planned all along to buy the set with intentions to get aroused looking at male strippers, whereas THIS is the reality...

Many hugs to you!

[This message edited by MediumRare at 2:29 AM, September 28th (Saturday)]


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 716 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:34 AM, September 28th (Saturday)

When shopping with my kids this evening we overheard someone mentioning GTA. My son asked me about the game as he'd heard some kids mention it. I told him he would not be playing it in my home. It would only happen over my dead body.

STBX does not get to send shitty junk food home with the kids to be eaten here. He does not get to send shitty movies home to watch on my TV during my time. He's bought them a couple of shitty books (innocently, he just couldn't be bothered to read the book cover to know the book was entirely inappropriate), I've confiscated the books until children are older.

Not in my house.

You get to decide what happens in your house. You. Yes, it makes you the bad guy sometimes. Too bad, so sad, that's being a parent.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9651 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, September 28th (Saturday)

Imagine a 3-tour Iraq soldier finally being returned home. As you're walking down the street, a car backfires and he immediately panics and runs for cover. Did he overreact to a car back-firing? Sure, he absolutely did. Is there anything wrong with this? Nope, nothing at all.

This is the problem right here. That is not what this is like.

That soldier is in a safe environment responding to stimuli that has nothing to do with weapons fire other than it is loud and sudden. She is responding to stimuli that is very much related to the source of that stated PTSD. Your analogy would work better if the PTSD vet found himself next to an enemy soldier holding a weapon, and then an argument ensues that he'd be overreacting to take the guy down because there were no bullets in the gun and he wasn't making hostile gestures with it, and plenty of people can handle firearms responsibly.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7444 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, September 28th (Saturday)

This is the problem right here. That is not what this is like.

The problem with this thread is that some people are arguing semantics. Another issue is some posters have become experts on the game without actually seeing it or playing it.

At the end of the day all of that is bullshit and irrelevant. We all agree that beyondbreaking need her WH to be supportive of her. I honestly would be interested if Beyondbreaking has an update and see if we can support her further.

The arguing about... nothing? isn't productive


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, September 28th (Saturday)

I don't have to be an expert in GTA5 to know the content is inappropriate.

WTF cares if the strippers are pretty? He had sex with a stripper in the game. He cheated on his wife. This game is a problem for her. He may have to give up the video game? Boofuckinhoo.


[This message edited by confused615 at 8:19 AM, September 28th (Saturday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7400 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, September 28th (Saturday)

This game is a problem for her. He may have to give up the video game? Boofuckinhoo.

Pretty sure everyone agrees with that


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, September 28th (Saturday)

Ok. I was commenting on the topic..not trying to argue the merits of a violent video games that have ugly strippers who give lap dances and fuck. Some people are ok with it..some people find it offensive. There's no need to argue with those who don't share your opinion of this game.


If the arguing isn't productive..then Im not quite sure why you felt the need to single out my comment with a sarcastic response. Im not arguing. You,OTOH,seem to be.

Not sure why..but I have no need to be in a pissing match over a stupid game. I hope you enjoy your Saturday.

[This message edited by confused615 at 8:47 AM, September 28th (Saturday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7400 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, September 28th (Saturday)

If the arguing isn't productive..then Im not quite sure why you felt the need to single out my comment with a sarcastic response. Im not arguing. You,OTOH,seem to be.

I wasn't arguing with you. Neither am I being sarcastic, I was pointing out that we actually all agree that BeyondBreaking's wayward needs to give it up.

I'm sorry my comment made you so upset.
Either way, BeyondBreaking you're in my thoughts.


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, September 28th (Saturday)

Another issue is some posters have become experts on the game without actually seeing it or playing it.

I'm familiar enough with the series to make a judgement on it if I feel inclined to do so.

The semantics involved is in regards to whether or not she is overreacting. To that end not everyone 'agrees with that' because that's why the thread has progressed this far. You're right, that some people view the GTA series as a social commentary is irrelevant.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7444 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, September 28th (Saturday)

This game is a problem for her. He may have to give up the video game? Boofuckinhoo.

Prettysure everyone agrees with that

Nope. He needs to want to. If he doesn't he's a grown man and can play a video game. Then she has a choice.

This whole, BS says what goes and if the WS doesn't like it they can suck it only works if "you" have no problem if they do indeed "suck it".

All the "shoulds" "betters" in the world don't change the reality. Creating (or in some chases just maintaining) an unhealthy dynamic does not fix an incredibly fucked choice made by one person or the fact two people don't have the same values or beliefs. One will always have to conform and comply. Recipe for complete disaster.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
wincing_at_light
Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, September 28th (Saturday)

UO is right. You can lay down your list of ground rules, boundaries, and suck-its all you want, but if your spouse isn't willing to comply, then you'd better have another set of tools in your suck-it bag to deal with the situation.

"I have a boundary" may be the most abused concept in modern American society. Your boundaries aren't meant to control other people's behavior -- that's actually what we call "manipulation. Boundaries are about what *you* will tolerate in your relationships before you decide you're out.

Boundaries are about your behaviors, not controlling someone else's or bullying them into compliance with your worldview.

When you tell your WS that NC is a boundary, that's not about making them go NC. It's saying "I respect myself too much to be in a love triangle" or even simply "I don't share my spouse with others. If you're the sort of person who wants to fuck other people, then you're welcome to be that person -- but you won't be in my life any longer."

Boundaries are the key that let you out of your cage, not the key that locks someone else into theirs -- especially when theirs is a cage you've picked out for them.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6744 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
itwillrain
Member
Member # 34564
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, September 28th (Saturday)

I would feel exactly the same. Exactly.

Like someone mentioned, he should be more considerate of you, considering his position. If he's not seeing any issue with it, then maybe it's at least time for a chat. Sometimes them menfolk can be a bit dim to what affects you and why, even if it's painfully obvious to us.

Secondly, I've played these games, the most recent included. The strip club has always been a sideshow. There's no reason he couldn't simply not go. Is he willing?

I'm sorry for your pain. I've seen it, it is no different to porn in my eyes. I empathize entirely.

----

Also... side note (feel free to stop reading, OP) as an FYI and a warning to those considering the game for themselves or their WS... the strippers are painfully realistic in comparison with their previous models. It was a shock. It also encourages misogynistic behaviours. Not saying it's a terrible game, just know what you're getting into. The strip club has been a sore spot across the continent.

*Not willing to discuss the game further, it's far from relevant.*


D-Day: January 8, 2012.

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Toronto, Canada
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, September 29th (Sunday)

Boundaries are about your behaviors, not controlling someone else's or bullying them into compliance with your worldview.

When you tell your WS that NC is a boundary, that's not about making them go NC. It's saying "I respect myself too much to be in a love triangle" or even simply "I don't share my spouse with others. If you're the sort of person who wants to fuck other people, then you're welcome to be that person -- but you won't be in my life any longer."

Very true. On the subject of boundaries, "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life" by Drs Cloud and Townsend and "Shattered Vows" by Debra Laaser have some good insights on boundaries and consequences.

We hope our partners will be mindful of our feelings, but we cannot control if they are or not. If they aren't, we have to find other ways to protect ourselves and stay healthy, no matter what they do.

BB, have things around GTA5 improved with your H? Have you two been able to talk more about it? How are you feeling right now?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

"I have a boundary" may be the most abused concept in modern American society. Your boundaries aren't meant to control other people's behavior -- that's actually what we call "manipulation. Boundaries are about what *you* will tolerate in your relationships before you decide you're out.
*quick t/j* Agreed. If anyone has ever seen the "Always Sunny in Philadelphia" episode entitled "Frank Gets An Intervention", boundaries get thrown around like interventions do in that final scene. It's worth looking into, if you've never seen it.*t/j over*


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2070 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
90Worthless90
New Member
Member # 39855
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

I agree with everything MediumRare has aid. I am also a play or the game. I love the GTA series.

A little OT. I just finished a side mission where I had to kill a dead man's greedy former mistress. I really enjoyed it.... lol


Me: 23

Him: 29

Together 6 years.

DS: 2yrs

Ow: 18 at the time. Our son's "God sister"

Doomsday: November 2nd 2012. A couple of days before our sons birthday


Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2013
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

Sorry if I am "necroing" this thread. Since the game arrived and my H and I have played some of it, just came back to say:

1) I can see what some folks meant when they said that this game is trying to be as unPC as possible. Considering the way it's presented, it's very much so. Everything about the game is MEANT to be as offensive and irreverent as possible and make some folks chuckle.

2) Still can see the strip bar being triggery to some BSs (as well as playing Trevor - really, we get to play a psycho who is also an OM? - and the tennis coach, and apparently Michael and Amanda are MHs). If anything, it's that it's a little too realistic. The strippers look like real people. The acts depicted are real (and the "mini-game" is a LONG time to be groping a stripper and then following her home - so a long time to be triggered). The OPs in our lives are real people. It's not about whether the strippers are "hot" or "ugly" or whatever, just like it wasn't about that with the OPs. So the realness might actually be a trigger for some.

3) Yes, the violence - everything from running over the cops to killing dozens of people over petty cash/their cars to the near-constant curse word diarrhea ETA to the friggen' torture scene - well, I'll just say about the violence - sh*t. A lot of this stuff is really messed up, or maybe I'm just not in the space to separate it from reality. Hasn't even been two days and I already miss COD 6, and that game full of migraine-inducing gunfire wasn't exactly peaceful either...

On another note, should I be concerned that my H had no trouble with the torture scene that involved removing a man's tooth? Twice.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 6:36 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 61