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New Beginnings
User Topic: Talk me down from calling him
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Tonight I just want to call XSO. Have him come over, sleep next me all wrapped up with me and have him kiss me awake in the morning. Why am I in love with a man who was an Hells Angel, was in prison for 8 years, was married five times and has a bunch of kids out of wedlock? All things I found out once I started dating him? Why am I in love with somebody almost 20 years my senior who chose somebody else? I must be crazy and yet my heart just wants this man.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Sometimes the heart needs time to catch up to the head. You know rationally that he's bad for you and that contact would only hurt but you want that reality to be different.

Posts: 1316 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
Ms_Strong
Member
Member # 30883
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Don't do it. Sometimes fear of being alone makes us do things that aren't good for us.
Don't contact him. Go watch some TV and go to sleep to get you through tonight. Then tomorrow feel good that you weren't another ego-stroke for him.


Me: 40, happily divorced Dec11
D-Day #1 - 9th Jan 11, D-Day #2 - 13th Jan 11
Kids - 4, 8 yrs

Posts: 263 | Registered: Jan 2011
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

((Hugs)) think about what you would tell one of us in this situation.
Knowing his history brings it into better focus. Sadly, history often predicts the future. He doesn't deserve you - and I think you both know that now.


Me: BW-43
Him: XWH-43
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4160 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

I would tell everybody to run as fast as they can!!!! And here I am thinking I can save his soul. Love does make you blind.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
exhausted lady
Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

fraeuken....don't make that call - NO MATTER WHAT! You know you deserve better, and your head is telling you that loud and clear.

On the other hand, your heart is used to the "bad boy addiction". I'm a survivor of that addiction myself, and it's damned hard to break.

NC, NC, NC, NC. His history more than shows you who he is - and you can't change that. You deserve better, and BETTER is out there.


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3157 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
click4it
Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Even though you still have feelings for him, your heart and your head are telling you don't do it. You know deep down not to and it will only make you feel WORSE after.

Its so hard. (((((hugs))))))


Me: 41
Two boys: 16 and 13
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25502 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Withdrawal symptoms are hellish! Just follow NC, it is a cleansing detox process that will lead you to a place of peace. From there, if you desire, you will be able to find a truly loving companion.


Here's to A New Life of Excellent Health, Financial Abundance, Nature's Beauty, Amazing Art and Personal Creativity, with Love, Beauty and Peace All Around Us.

Posts: 5546 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: United States
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 1:38 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

((((Fraeuken))))

And here I am thinking I can save his soul. Love does make you blind

Seems to be a common theme amongst a lot of us here, your not alone.

I'm hopeful it will get easier!


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 605 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
Jpapageorge
Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 3:21 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

You have already stated valid reasons why you should stay NC with him:

Guess who is drunk and buying a glass of wine for drum rolls ----- his ex-girlfriend.

And then the man I thought loved me, walked right by me, carrying drinks for her and him, did not acknowledge me and sat next to her, leaning into her and laughing and talking to her.

I heard the tires screeching outside and the engine being tortured when he left. This man is in his 60s - really? I would expect this behavior from a teenager.

...(A)nd don't have a guy with constant back pain and flatulence on the couch next to me.

...(H)e traded a Porsche for a Kia.

I have seen him sliding back into drinking the last few weeks after he got off the meds for his sepsis. He had been on his best behavior I think and then could not keep it up. Who knows what other issues there are, I know I dodged a major bullet the more I think about it.


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1656 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 4:11 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Stayed NC :-). And day at a time !


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 4:28 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

You know nothing good would come from calling him. So don't.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29470 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Fraeuken......his soul is his own to save. You can't do it for him.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6324 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
traicionada
Member
Member # 10310
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Oh dear! Love doesn't have to make us blind. Deep in your heart, you know you deserve way better than what he has to offer so stay strong


Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

Posts: 3180 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Dallas, Texas
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I hope you didn't call him!!

The withdrawal sucks.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7008 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Did not call him!!!!! Thank you everybody for the 2x4s.

Instead I watched some TV, snuggled with DD11 and enjoyed the company of our cat all night; he decided he needed some love and slept closely next to me, giving me the occasional love bite and lick. I swear the knew how lonely I felt yesterday.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
LearningToRun
Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Good for you! Any time you spend on him delays finding one who will treat you as you deserve. You cant be open for Mr Right when clinging to Mr Wrong. This guy made you an option, too bad for him.
Continue to stay strong!

Posts: 176 | Registered: Feb 2011
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

We'll done and that's lush about your cat.

Was feeling lonely Saturday night and had my puppy on my bed which I never do.

She cwtched into me in the crook of my legs with her head on my calf. Felt great. She is lovely! Later she came up top and I slept with my hand on her paw......

Holy crap that sounds so sad! LOL


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 605 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

He texted me today out of the blue asking me to come to church. Crickets from my side.

What the heck? He is worried about my salvation, he should be worried about his.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
Random thoughts
Member
Member # 2959
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Can you block his cell #.


Those three words are said too much and not enough.
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.
FWW

Posts: 1535 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Some where in New Jersey
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Can you block his cell #.
Yes, the beginning withdrawal is the worst. It gets easier over time.
And here I am thinking I can save his soul.
His soul isn't yours to save, and he is old enough to make his own choices.

He texted me today out of the blue asking me to come to church
Okay. Enough is enough. That is cruel. He knows you saw him with that other chick. He was all into her one day, and then another day he is back to texting you? I don't think so. You aren't anyone's backup.

You can do better, you know it, but the heart wants what it wants. NC, get over the withdrawal and let your heart heal. Make room for something better.....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14905 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Number blocked again.I am a basket case. My boss, whom I have known for 15 years and who is a good friend saw me break down today. He was there for me all the way and gave me the 'talk' about how I deserve better. 'Tomorrow is another day. Why is this hitting me so hard? I cannot figure this out. I am for sure grabbing the cat tonight whether he wants to sleep indoors or not :-)

[This message edited by fraeuken at 10:11 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, September 27th (Friday)

((((hugs)))) just hugs. I know how hard the withdrawal is. It sucks. Hang in there! Snuggle with your kitty cat, cry when you need to, have some chocolate mousse ice cream.....

It gets better.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14905 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
heartbroken30
Member
Member # 18437
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, September 27th (Friday)

Hope you are feeling better today xoxo


Me - BS 42
Kids 12 and 9
Divorced

Posts: 1846 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: NY
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, September 28th (Saturday)

Feeling better. Went out to a concert last night, made a new friend and my weekend is fully booked with activities.

And when the pain suddenly washes over me, I am managing to breathe through it right now.

[This message edited by fraeuken at 12:19 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
Random thoughts
Member
Member # 2959
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, September 28th (Saturday)

When those feelings of missing him arises might I suggest grab pen & paper and write down all the red flags that has spouted out and those you saw and overlooked.


Those three words are said too much and not enough.
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.
FWW

Posts: 1535 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Some where in New Jersey
missherlots
Member
Member # 30591
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, September 28th (Saturday)

Just as a note:

There is a reason why you feel as such. You are having a withdraw chemical desired.
The exact name of your question is: Heartbroken syndrome. It is as hard to break off from any other drugs, the only problem is that this drug is good when you are ok with your partner…….
You can research on it and will find out that it is real. So, at least you have the answer you were looking for. It is not your head screwing with you, or your heart not listening to your head. It is a brain chemical process. You can just research on it. it will help you to understand better your desire for him. One more thing, it is proven that an emotion last about 35 seconds. It is intense and hard to control but, whatever you feel after those 35 seconds it’s create by your personal desires of satisfaction. The way to get inside that process is this. You seat in a place calm and relaxed then you think about your feelings and how your body reacts to it. Be aware of the process of your mind but do not judge it, just let it be. It will create understanding and wisdom to overcome the emotions when it comes back. In other words, you meditate on it.

I hope it helps.

Just my two cents.


Pain and suffering is part of life, but I choose to feel love and compassion for all people excluding no one.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2011
trebleclef
Member
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, September 30th (Monday)

One of the best pieces of advice I had during this emotional tsunami was from my very wise big brother, who said, " Write a statement for yourself. Write down your decision, your reasons for making it, along with a clause that says you will NOT revoke that decision no matter what, unless you AND those around you who care about you can CLEARLY see that it would be in your best interest. Sign and date it. Stop re-thinking. Put it away and look at it if/when your heart gets hungry."

I did this and it literally stopped me from flying back into his arms and bed on numerous occasions.


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, September 30th (Monday)

Thanks, guys/gals. I am getting better every day with the help of caring friends and me-time which I really haven't had the past four months that I was with him. It was either him or the kids. So, being able to veg on the couch, cooking myself my favorite food, watching all the latest season premieres without having to worry about him not being entertained was refreshing to say the least.

I just gave notice to my renter too. Hopefully 60 days from now I can get my hands on her rooms, paint, replace the carpets and turn them into my office and sanctuary.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 29