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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Post dday and court?
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I had an interaction last night with my WW that started with me requesting that she inform me of anything related to our kids that is out of the ordinary...such as taking them to a new therapist to discuss her impending death, which I found out through the kids. That discussion proceeded into a heated discussion (I did my best to keep my cool...I even sat down on the front step to appear less confrontational as she hovered above me).

My question relates to some of what she was saying. She was very focused on my behaviors and words post dday. For example, she brought up the fact that I said she was going to hell in an prior argument in front of the kids (I did indeed yell, with the kids in the other room, that I would see both her and her AP in hell at the end of an argument). She brought up the fact that I wouldn't pick her up in another state when her mother's car broke down. She said I didn't care about her health since I didn't want to hear about her scan results. She listed all of these things as reasons that our M is over and that her attempts to keep it together (the extent of which post dday was to say she was sorry and give me some lame ass hugs, before heading off and texting and calling her AP) failed as a result.

My question is court related. How do judges react to comments that behaviors post dday are the reason a marriage has broken down, and do they take that into consideration in their decisions? I would think that logically any behavior (on both sides) post dday is not the norm, and thus irrelevant (unless it is some grossly irregular behavior like stealing money or physical assault). But none of this is logical, so thus my question.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 694 | Registered: Aug 2013
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Hi, kg.

I'm sorry I don't know your story, but it seems like it's probably a doozy.

I apologize if this is a stupid or insensitive question, but if your WW's death is truly "impending", why are you two divorcing? It seems like an emotional and very expensive exercise in futility at this time.

As to your question, your WW will undoubtedly attempt to characterize you in the worst way to the courts. Recent examples of outbursts and bad behaviors will surely be used. I'm not sure how much bearing these types of character defamations have in the judge's decisions, but they are painful to read in court documents and not a lot of fun to defend against in court.

But I still just keep circling back to "why bother going through a divorce with a dying spouse?"


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7813 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Wounded, thanks for the response. That question of why divorce is one I am trying to figure out myself. I will be meeting with a lawyer later this week to figure that out. I am not sure if there are benefits to staying married/separated (in my state there is no distinction between legal separation and divorce). I guess one benefit is knowing there is a finality, and the impending passing could be 2 years, more or less.

Actually the other piece is that my WW and her AP are both lawyers (both of whom have worked family law) so I am constantly aware that they know how to manipulate everything I say or do into something that would go against me, no matter my intent.

[This message edited by kg201 at 12:46 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 694 | Registered: Aug 2013
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

wow, is it possible she is already delusional? the car situation occurred after she admitted to the affair and told you she chose the other man rather than trying to reconcile didn't it?

you live in a no fault state right? you have been documenting and saving texts correct? I don't think your comments will carry any more weight than her having an affair did.

I do think the fact that they are both lawyers and practiced in family law means you should have your lawyer on speed dial. IMO you need to file the divorce papers and follow through. who knows how they can use the system to further screw you over? you can put an end to the games by getting the divorce finalized.

she is remorseless and unrepentance. protect yourself and your children as best you are able. follow your lawyer's advice to the letter.

no contact, kids in finance is only as best you can in this situation!

strength brother.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2823 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Thanks 54.

Yes the car thing was the week after dday. She was indicating at that point that she wasn't going to leave him. The anger at my not taking care of her or her claim that I don't care about her health is one of the more bizarre things, as I even took her to two appointments after dday, before I told her I wouldn't anymore.

I have an appointment with the lawyer tomorrow. Figuring out with our situation whether a divorce makes sense or not really is the key question I have for him. We'll see tomorrow.

[This message edited by kg201 at 1:53 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 694 | Registered: Aug 2013
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Thanks for the clarification, kg. I think you are wise to seek counsel as to the pros/cons of going through with the divorce at this point.

Given you are being tag-teamed by 2 family law attorneys, you are definitely going to need counsel of your own.

I think you need to be very concerned that OM is likely trying to hone in on money that should be going to your children after your WW's death. There must be ways to ensure that your WW's life insurance policies remain in place for your children. And if it can be ordered, that her estate be left to the children regardless of whether she remarries following your D.

Write your questions all down prior to your visit with the atty. That way you'll be sure to get the answers you need.

I wonder if it might be a good idea for you to consult with an estate atty as well?

[This message edited by woundedby2 at 2:21 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7813 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Topic Posts: 6