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User Topic: Is this what I think it is?
thinmint
New Member
Member # 40786
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Dh and I have been married for 13 years, together 15. We’ve had our ups and downs, but this year has been a disaster. After a job loss (his), a death in the family and hurricane Sandy, which destroyed the lower level of our second home, we were already neck up in stress, but there was still more to come…

This summer, my mother broke her foot, and I went out of state (with my daughter) to take care of her for the week. My son and dh had some plans in the city and they stayed home. My son is 10 and had never been left alone in the house at night, but dh told me he was going to get drinks with his two colleagues (guy friends from work) one evening that week. I was uncomfortable with this but dh told me he needed to network (to get another job) and ds told me he would be fine. We live in a large, doorman building, and we know our neighbors, so I finally agreed. The plan was: Dh and his friends would be at a pub in the neighborhood, a 5-7 minute walk away, and dh would leave at 8:30 and be home by 10:30. And he would call home every 30 mins to check on ds.

Well, at 10:50, my son called me (at my mother’s house) to tell me that his dad wasn’t home, and he hadn’t heard from him since 9:30, and he had tried calling and texting him, but he wasn’t answering his phone. So I tried, and got no answer either. I emailed. No answer. 11:00 rolls around. Nothing. 11:30. Nothing. By now, ds is visibly upset (we were on Face Time), and I was just trying to keep it together. I thought of calling the friends’ homes, but dh is looking for a job, and I didn’t want him to appear irresponsible, or get the friends in trouble with their wives.

So at 11:50, (Dh is 1 hour and 20 mins late at this point), I called the pub instead. I described my dh to the host, telling him he would be with two men. The host said, rather carefully, “Yeah, there is a man here fitting that description, but he’s here with a woman.” My heart was in my throat when dh got on the phone. I told him to get his ass home, to which he said, in a rather businesslike way, “Yes, yes. I’m leaving now. I just lost track of time. We’re seated really far into the restaurant, and the cell reception isn’t good here.”

At 12:20, he still wasn’t home! The place is a 5-7 minute walk away! So I called the pub again, and this time someone else answered the phone (a woman), who was also very careful in her tone, and told me he had just left.

At 12:30, dh finally walked in the door – drunk as a skunk - and told my son not to be wimp and told me I need to let my son grow up. This was his first time at home at night alone!

Now, to get to the good stuff. During the highly heated discussion that followed, I found out the two guys “couldn’t make it.” DH told me the woman he was with was someone who worked for him. She is 20 years younger than him btw, and all I know about her reputation at work is that she couldn’t get the job done (was ineffectual), so she was transferred out of the department and now works somewhere else. BTW, she’s stunning, and one of the ONLY other things I remember dh saying about her (a long time ago—2 years maybe?) was that every guy at work wanted to sleep with her, but she trusted him because he was never going to be that kind of guy.

He also said, during this argument, that he wasn’t going to give up this friendship with her and that I was insecure and couldn’t handle him having a woman friend. I said, “I don’t think this is a friend. No other “friend” of yours ever made you lose your head and forget your kid!” I’ll also add here that I’ve NEVER seen an email or a text from this person, so what kind of good friend (that he will not give up) is this if I’ve never heard of her? Well, he gave me his new email password and told me he had nothing to hide and he loved me and he had always been faithful. He told her, “Hey you got me into trouble…” Nice, huh? You see how he was nowhere to be found in the drama?? And I don’t even want to know how the rest of that conversation went.

Which brings me to, this week. Almost two months after that incident, I sat down at the computer we share to pay some bills and noticed a single email from this woman. The subject was “Drinks Soon Hopefully” (yes, she punctuated it like it was the title of a book). I decided not to click at that moment because some friends were coming over and I thought, ok this is normal. A friend’s email in the mailbox. Nothing hidden. Nothing more.

But later, when I went back to the computer. Poof! It was gone. And he was signed out of email. Well, I signed him right back in and…even the trash had been emptied. When I confronted dh, he said he knew I was paranoid about this person and that’s why he had deleted it because he knew I would freak out. He has never been unfaithful. He loves me. He loves our kids. Yada yada yada.

I have never had reason to doubt him before this, but over the last couple of years he’s been increasingly distant. We never have sex. He’s never affectionate. We just go through the motions of living this life together.

Please tell me, is this what I think it is?


Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013
1devastedmom
Member
Member # 38399
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I'm afraid it is what you think. I'm so sorry. I advise you to put a key logger on your computer and download spyware on his phone. I used mobilespy. Maybe I'm cynical but I always thought my husband would never do that but I was proven wrong.


Me BS: 42
WH: 44
DDay- April 17, 2013
Married 22 years
3 children: 18, 15 & 9
Reconcilling

Posts: 140 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: 1devastedmom
hellzapoppin
Member
Member # 5655
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Sorry you find yourself in this situation and welcome to a safe place

Always trust your gut

Time to find out more about what's going on but at the very least I'd want to kill him for making his son feel unsafe and for placing that friendship (which feels so inappropriate to you) above your needs

Plus the hiding of the email - people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing

And the no sex thing? Yeah, big clue

(((thinmint)))


Him-WH
Me - BW
M 21 years
Divorced by stealth

Posts: 1317 | Registered: Oct 2004
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

OMFG.

I am fucking livid. How dare he leave that little boy home alone so he could go on a date(yes that's what it was..that's what it was when he lied and said he was going for drinks with 2 men). How dare he leave that poor little boy home alone until 12:30AM. He was scared. How dare he be the only parent in the state and IGNORE his child who was home alone. He could have been hurt..someone could have tried to get in..at the very fucking least he was scared.

Yes he is cheating.

What he did to your child..and then coming home and calling him a wimp..holy shit. I would have had him served with divorce papers the next day.

ANY POS who forgets his child..no..wait..purposely ignore his child..AND is called and told DS is home and scared go home..and chooses to NOT RUN his fucking ass home..But instead continues to drink with a whore in a bar??OMG. He needs to grow up?? He is 10,FFS. My DS is 10..and I don't leave him alone long enough to run down the road to the post office.

What do I think this is? he is cheating. And what he did to your DS?

Fuck.That.Guy.

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:46 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7683 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I'm so sorry, thinmint...I agree with the other posters - he is definitely in an A - at minimum, an EA.

The fact that he had no regard for a 10-year-old CHILD and then made him feel like a wimp sickens me.

Time to do the 180 and go into stealth mode. Do not let him think you're checking up on him...that is where the 180 comes in...

PS - Your profile says you are male. I assume that is incorrect because your H is likely in an A with a female (although I can't assume because some WSs in same-sex relationships have As with people of the opposite sex).


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS,22 mo.& 2 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5079 | Registered: May 2007
PrincessPeach06
Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

"I won't give up my "friend"". I heard that line oh so much during my H's EA and have heard it here so many times. It's one of my biggest anger triggers. So sorry you are here, something is up for sure.


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
thinmint
New Member
Member # 40786
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Lalagirl- I am a woman, just updated that on my profile.

I'm just so scared right now. This man is my life, and I cannot believe this is happening. I would NEVER, in a million years, have thought this would be us. He had been cheated on in a previous relationship and had been so scarred by that experience (he left her because of it) that it was not even in the REALM that he would do this.

He's still denying, denying. Telling me it's my misapprehension of the facts. And I'm just in this rotten place, second guessing what I see and hear.

And I find it so strange that she would reach out again after that "Hey, you got me into trouble..." conversation. Wouldn't she give us a little time to at least let things cool off on this end??

If it's all friendly and innocent, as he says it is, why this emailing, deleting, emptying trash-- are these people so incapable of understanding there are consequences to these actions? Is anyone thinking straight??? Am I?


Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013
hellzapoppin
Member
Member # 5655
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Denial is on page one of the cheater's playbook.

(My ex looked me straight in the eyes & said, I have never cheated on you.)

If this ho is brazen enough to meet a married man for drinks, she's not going to back off and respect your marriage.

And you see that your H is blame shifting right? He's not doing anything wrong it's just that YOU are paranoid. And your son is not a scared kid, he's a wimp. (FTG= fuck that guy)

Time to act like a PI. Don't confront again until you have done your homework and have the goods.

If he loves you like he should, he would end the friendship (barf) just because it makes your spidey senses tingle.

Yes, it's all scary and unbelievable but you will get through it, and find a wealth of experience and support here.


Him-WH
Me - BW
M 21 years
Divorced by stealth

Posts: 1317 | Registered: Oct 2004
callmecrazy
Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

So lets go along with what he says for a moment "no sex" Fabulous, good for him. What are they talking about? Why arent you going for drinks too and meeting her. If they are such great friends one would think she'd want to meet the wife. If there is nothing to hide, why hide it?

I'd say regardless of what it actually fully is, it is wrong. It is disrespectful and a good husband would want his wife's respect not to hurt her and make her worry about being replaced.

Hugs thinmint. I'd start doing all you can to see what the truth is, because his story is not adding up.


Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

You and he should read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It will help you and hopefully help him to defog - he is not getting what he is doing is wrong on so many levels. Google "signs of an emotional affair" - that will provide a wealth of info too.

The one main thing that shows it's an EA is that he was hiding his "friendship" from you. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS,22 mo.& 2 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5079 | Registered: May 2007
self-rescuer
Member
Member # 35059
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)


You are thinking right. Unfortunately, you are completely on-target.

Your gut needs to be your guide.

Post here often. We are here for you.

One final suggestion. You need to play nice at home so you can really dig. I know it is the hardest thing in the world - not seek reassurance and comfort from the man you love - but if you want to discover the truth, you have to keep them from taking it even more underground. Only by not tipping your hand will you be able to learn the scope of the affair.

Hugs to you sweet friend.


BW 53 WXH 56 & still bewildered
D-Day 9-15-11
Divorce 3-13-13

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
~ Goethe


Posts: 506 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Listen to your gut, ALWAYS.

You know what this is. There are not many things that will make a father completely forget about their kids needs but in my experience an OW is definitely one of them.

I had a similar experience. I was out of state visiting my parents. Tried calling XWH cell number and could not get him, well into the night. Called the house number, no answer. Finally, frantic, I called my stepsons cell #. He was very sick, throwing up, barely able to answer the phone. Said dad was not home, he did not know where dad was, and hadn't heard from him for hours, despite calling dad's cellphone repeatedly. You get one guess where dad was. Yup.

Now my ex-stepson (god that sounds terrible ) is older, a teen, but quite immature for his age and was audibly upset at being so violently sick while home all alone and no reachable parent other than me 500 miles away.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. On so many levels!!

((thinmint))

So sorry you and your son are being put through this. Please, as things start to come to light, (and they will!) place more trust in your own instincts and gut feelings than in anything your H has to say. If nothing else, he is clearly a man who is not putting you and your son first right now. Since he is not, you MUST.

Be strong, be relentless, demand honesty and transparency. You deserve nothing less than the truth.

Hang in there.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 914 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
thinmint
New Member
Member # 40786
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

What if dh deleted the "Drinks Soon Hopefully" email from OW because she said something like-- I hope you and your wife are doing well. I hope she understands that we're just colleagues. Let's have a drink one of these days. Maybe he deleted/trashed/signed out of email because he didn't think I would like her even talking about me. Which I wouldn't.

But the "Drinks Soon Hopefullly" email (that I'm kicking myself for not opening) could just as easily have said, Hey, hope things have cooled down on your end. I miss you. Let's get a drink like we did that night we...

That definitely deserves to be deleted/trashed/signed out.

UGH.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I'm sorry you are here and facing this soul crushing heartbreak.

Your gut is telling you something is wrong. Your brain is 'rationalizing' his behavior and making excuses for him (AKA, the email *could* have said). That is crazy making and very confusing.

Go with your gut.

You should also check your husband's cell phone log, text messages and keep following up on his email. Expect to continue to get gaslighted. WSes are seldom honest about their activities.


Posts: 777 | Registered: Sep 2010
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

When someone can't have their way, and they respond in anger, or diminish another's feelings (your son's) they are deflecting attention. They want you to focus on the fact that YOU have upset THEM, rather than the action they committed which upset you.

I won't bore you with how many times my serial cheating husband told me, "we're just friends", but considering what else you have posted here - they aren't just friends.

Shirley Glass has written, "Not Just Friends" just for this kind of issue.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Just my opinion but I think it if was anything platonic, harmless, just friends etc, he would have showed it to you immediately to reinforce his "I'm innocent and you're just paranoid" argument. Cheaters will do anything to take the focus off them and put it back on you. They want you to doubt yourself; that's they way they like it, they way they need it, in order to continue their A in peace. If this email would have assisted him with that, he would have showed it to you.

As someone else mentioned earlier in this thread, those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Are you sure the email is truly gone? My Outlook has this weird extra (and somewhat obscure) folder that holds every email I've ever sent or received, even ones I've "deleted" from my inbox. Any chance your email program has something similar? Or try googling "recover deleted email from yahoo" (or aol or Hotmail or whatever you use). You'd be surprised. "Deleted" items are rarely truly gone.

[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 3:15 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 914 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Put a keylogger on the computer..it will show you if he has any secret email accounts...and put a VAR(voice activated recorder) in his car...chances are he has another cell phone you don't know about.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7683 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

thinmint,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Like the others have said, your H is definitely in an A, whether it is an EA or PA, it is an A.

Most of them deny until there is proof that they can't deny. Some will say the phone bill is wrong, someone is out to get them and sent those emails, etc. but most of them will admit to what is proved.

He will deny anything you don't have proof for, and then he will trickle truth and gaslight you (make you think you are crazy for putting things together in your mind and knowing things in your gut.)

Do as others have said, put in a keylogger on your computer. Get out the cell phone records and scour them. Maybe activate whatever you can on his phone to tell you where he is at all times, or put a GPS in his car. Put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car, in his office, or wherever he spends lots of time.

I'm so sorry for you. You are only at the beginning of the terrible, rollercoaster ride of infidelity.

big hug for you (((((((thinmint)))))))

keep posting and reading here. It will help you do the right things to stop the A or at least get yourself out of the drama, and get you through it.

HBH


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Revenge  Posted: 3:57 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

over the last couple of years he’s been increasingly distant. We never have sex. He’s never affectionate. We just go through the motions of living this life together

This man is my life

Is the first quote the life you want to settle for?

Follow your instincts. He is lying to you and trying to minimize to sweep this all under the rug to return to his life previously in progress.

Call this OW. She may have some news for you. She may lie as well but it is worth the chance of finding out the truth.

he wasn’t going to give up this friendship with her

Really, so his "friendship" with her is more important than your marriage?

You don't have to put up with him being friends with her. It can and IMO, should be a deal breaker.

There relationship is MORE than friends and they crossed the boundaries.

Demand NC with her and if he won't do it then you have your answer.

Be aware. By you finding the email he will most likely take this underground.

Your WH is not showing any accountability or remorse. You can't move forward with this other woman lurking around.

It's an affair. Emotional or physical - it's still cheating.

I found out the two guys “couldn’t make it.”
Bullsh*t. You know it, the guys were never intended to be there.

Stand strong. Look up the 180 in the healing library and don't buy into the BS.

You and your family deserve better.

Sorry you are here and hurting. Good luck.

((hugs and prayers))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 4:00 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1199 | Registered: Apr 2013
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

thinmint, my FWH would not only flip out on me when I would "catch" him, but he came up with the craziest bullshit excuses...he went so far as to say (EA #1) that his nephew was using his phone to make calls. (My FWH was NEVER a liar in the past - it's amazing what the fog does)...and with OW #2, we were all friends, but when it started going EA, he was hiding things from me... (my long profile tells the whole sordid story).

The good news is, with IC/MC, we are reconciled. It was not easy and I had to take some pretty drastic measures to help him remove his head from his ass.

More hugs...please keep posting so we can help you through this.


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS,22 mo.& 2 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5079 | Registered: May 2007
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

Just a thought...
"We never have sex.He's not affectionate." Why not? What would happen if you set up for a romantic night out, get a babysitter, go home and initiate sex? You could enjoy a bit of time just for the two of you,and his reaction could give you a pretty good idea where his head is at.


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
ninebark
Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

This man is my life
No he's not, he's a part of your life, and no matter what happens you will get past this.

Any relationship male or female that makes you uncomfortable or is not good for your marriage is a no no. When my EXH first decided to try to R, he had to cut ties with a male friend that enabled him during cheating.

If my ExH ever and I mean ever did that to my DS it would be the end. Not only is it illegal but it is unthinkable. In the first place he should have been one of those guys that could not make it, due to the fact he was alone with his 10 year old son, secondly if he found out the other two could not make it, he should have made apologies and suggsted meeting another time that worked for everyone, as his caring for his son.

The fact that none of that came into play says Affair. Then after calling him he still did not come home right away and then proceeded to blame your son and you...nice.

He needs a wake up call. His actions are not okay and will not be tollerated. If he wasn't having an A I bet he would have no problem with this.

Time to start to proect you and your son. Keyloggers, Var's..etc.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

thinmint, welcome.

IF your gut is screaming at you there is a reason. I have always believed this, even when my H was in the throws of his A. I would try to deny it, but then I would always come back around.

From someone who has been there done that, there are a few things that I would strongly recommend. Things I did do, that helped me, things I should have done, or done sooner, to get my proof.

1. Quit asking him about it, quit bringing it up as much as possible. Get a keylogger on your "shared" computer ASAP. I would also do a in depth search for a second cell phone, we often refer to it as a burner phone here. It's an easy way for them to communicate without getting caught.
2. Spyware on his phone if you can. If he has a home office, I would put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in there.
3. See an Attorney ASAP. Find out what your rights are, what your situtation would look like if you would have to make the hard choices. The fear of the unknown tends to paralyze us, so find out as much as you can.
4. Go to your Dr, get STD tested, and talk to them about something for anxiety/depression if this whole thing is overwhelming, and we all know it is.
5. Be kind to yourself, and your kids. Put them and you first. He certainly isn't.
6. Think about what you really would want, and how things can play out. When you get your proof, and you confront, be ready for him to do everything, say anything, and make you feel crazy, all of that comes before they actually confess. If he confesses what will you want, figure out if you want to try to save your M, and if so how would that happen, what would you need from him for that to happen. Have a clear set outline of your needs for R if that's the path you want. Also know that even if he comes clean and wants to R that he will stumble, fall, break NC.

We all talk about the cheaters handbook, there isn't really a handbook per se, but there are certain things they ALL do and say during, and after the A. He is certainly doing his best to make you feel like the crazy one right now. Know that you aren't. Something is up. Keep reading here, the healing library has a ton of info, read up. It's over there on the left side of your screen. keep posting, keep telling yourself that you are worth more.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8709 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

I believe that you're focusing so much on a secondary issue -- his (most likely) cheating -- that you've pushed away an issue that I see as highly important.

This fucking guy left your 10 yr old son home alone until 12:30am. He could not be reached for 3 hours prior to that. 3 hours! YOU were out-of-state. Then he came home and drunkenly called the poor kid a *wimp* <-- Yea, way to go, father of the year.

O!M!G! He basically ABANDONED your child. And even AFTER you got his drunk ass on the phone and told him to go the hell home to your son -- he STAYED for an additional 30 minutes!
What the FUCK is wrong with that guy?????

There are 10 yr olds that are mature enough to stay home alone for a couple of hours in the DAYtime if the parent will be nearby and reachable by phone (IMO)......but nighttime is the SCARY time. It's when you hear all of the creaks and noises in the closet. NOT a time to leave a kid alone -- with an UNREACHABLE parent!! (again, IMO) Fucking irresponsible moron.....

*grumble* sorry for all the *boldy* words and the F-bombs -- but what your husband did to your son makes me LIVID.......AND it tells you all that you need to know about what type of person he is right now. A self-centered, irresponsible jackass.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8081 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
justabrokendream
Member
Member # 3075
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

You're getting great advice here - he's cheating. Don't do like a lot of us did and deny what is in front of your face.

Anyone who would leave his son home and go to a freaking bar is not a "man."


Posts: 306 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: CA
thinmint
New Member
Member # 40786
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Can I just say-- you guys ROCK! Thank you all so much! Your insights and support have gotten me through the last 24 hours, which have extremely difficult.

I also have a deal that requires a lot of my attention at work, so that's one good thing. There are minutes (we're talking 1 or 2 at a stretch, tops) that I'm actually distracted, which has been a blessing. I've also tried to retrain my focus on my children, who are so loving and positive...

I'm dreading what this is going to do to them, but they are so strong and smart that I really believe they will be a source of strength for me going forward, helping me to recalibrate my responses like they did last night. When I got home from work I was so upset (it had all caught up to me), I didn’t know how I was going to turn the key in the lock and open the door, but the way they bounded up and covered me in kisses, I just knew I had to keep my dignity and sanity. For them. They deserve my best.

Reading over your comments (many times over) I understand that my instincts about this relationship are right. And I accept that I am living in a new reality. And while I am checking our shared computer (there are only 6 work-related messages between WS and OW in all, ending last April or June-- and I know they worked closely together for a few years so this has been carefully parsed) and his phone (there are NO messages there), I think I already have my answer. He has betrayed me. This relationship, whatever it is, is very inappropriate. There is no need for me to get more evidence (NY is a no fault state). I have it. Anything more would be salt in my wounds.

So, the plan for now is to 180 the hell out of everything related to this marriage (*thank you for the suggestion, I’m memorizing all of it), and to schedule an appointment with a therapist and a lawyer. If anyone knows a good one of these in NYC, please message me.

If I sound calm, it’s because I’m feeling okay right now (in another 30 minutes, who knows?). I realize I’ve cried a lot already. I’ve tried to get him to love me. I’ve tried EVERYTHING to make this life we share positive and productive. And I’ve been asking myself this question for a LONG while – should we stay or should we cut our losses? – well, I have the answer. Heartwrenching as it feels, as much as I don’t want it to be, I also know it is the right answer.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

thinmint.....

I wanted to say I think you sound like a very strong woman...and an awesome mother.

Please continue to post for support and advice.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7683 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Thinmint, numerous posters have expressed horror, pure disgust and red hot anger at your husband's CHOICE to abandon his innocent 10 year old little boy, leaving him all alone and frightened horribly, all so he could get himself drunk at a bar and play grab-ass with some 'stunning' insubordinate.

I feel bad that you're so wrapped up in his affair behavior that you're completely glossing over the horrific thing he did your child.

His gross neglect of an innocent little boy and leaving him vulnerable until the wee hours of the morning - all in the name of getting a cheap thrill the second his wife left town - is completely and utterly unforgiveable. What a disgusting, selfish son of a bitch.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1811 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

the "Drinks Soon Hopefullly" topic

I think this may have been a continuous email that started from BEFORE the date. Then they emailed back and forth after that with the same email. And it was the email that set up the date. That's why he deleted.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8032 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Oh, I'm sorry Thinmint.

Please, be very, very careful from now on how you interact with WH. Some of your writing sounds like mine used to.

When X was in the throws of the A and I was finding out/before, the lies and spinning webs he told actually did work-they did mess with my thinking for a time, so that I got all twisted in circles during his double life and before he was officially outed. It's manipulation at it's very worst and no regard for another person, make no mistake, please, about that.

All I can say is, watch your back with this man...for when I tried to talk to X about M or the A, he got very, very nasty and then tried to use it against me or trip me up, even at one point, accusing me of some of the same. He was had and that was all there is.

Please be careful for you and your child's sake...it sounds so similar to us in some ways. It was a long time and the hard way for me to realize this man who I thought was different, was basically now an enemy.

If you can knock him off his pedestal and begin to acknowledge his faults, it's one of the starts of what helped me fall out of feelings. I defended X for a long time but now am angry at people for not telling me truths they knew.

The lack of affection was a huge clue or red flag-when X stopped holding my hand or having a hug, something was really, really off...it was OW.

ETA...that trying to win him back will not work-it's amazing the things that won't work-and once you get settled on this in your mind, which may take some time, it will be better for you and your energy can go back to yourself and child. This was advice given to me that in early stages, didn't make sense but does now.

I have been totally shocked at the things X has "given up" or made difficult that were not. But it's his choice now and he changed all of our lives forever-I hope that you will be able to sort through your emotions and find even a small bit of peace soon. FWIW, I used sense of smell and time with our daughter when I was really down.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 1:16 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
thinmint
New Member
Member # 40786
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

NeverAgain2013-- You're absolutely right. I am totally caught up in the secondary issue. I'm really and truly obsessed with it. As much as I hate to say this (because it reflects so poorly on me), I'll venture a guess this piece of shit pie has gotten stuck in my teeth because it preys so perfectly upon my insecurities. I googled OW, and she's fucking beautiful. Prime of her youth, abs of steel, stunning. She's got a good job, she managed to catch my man. How could I compete with that, even if I wanted to? I do recall dh (long ago) saying she makes bad choices re: men (ha!). But, whatever the case, I'm feeling woefully inadequate (like I generally tend to feel, but now I have a very good reason) and wallowing and smoking and giving myself a good punch in the guts every few seconds for good measure. On a related note, I’ve lost 3 lbs this week – infidelity does have its upside!

That said, I've focused less on WS’s parenting (on this thread anyway) because after that first night, when he left ds alone, I BROUGHT THE HOUSE DOWN. That night was primarily about ds, parenting and dh’s drinking, which had become a problem. Dh apologized over and over, I believe he meant it, and he stopped drinking from that point on. I have swept a lot of his behavior under the rug because I thought the core problem was the alcohol… But he’s a big, hot mess in many, many ways it seems….

SadToo—I don’t think the “Drinks Soon Hopefully” email was from earlier (from that first event at the pub, over the summer). This email seemed new and initially I thought that he had probably deleted it because there was something in it about me. Because after that night at the pub, he had told her “you got me in trouble…” and ostensibly this conversation was about his marriage and me and what had gone down in our house after their carefree night together. Honestly, if I had read OW’s email and she had said anything about me or about our marriage, I would have been livid. But I bet they HAVE discussed all this (now that I’m writing this all out) which makes me feel really sad and pathetic.

BUT. That was not the only email he deleted. He deleted and trashed all her emails (except 6 work related emails) somewhere along the way. And then he deleted her texts somewhere along the way, so I think we can safely say, there’s a wealth of material that was erased – and who knows from how far back??? I mean, dh has a lot of time on his hands these days to spend quality time editing his various texts, email, history, etc..


Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Revenge  Posted: 4:21 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

She's got a good job, she managed to catch my man. How could I compete with that, even if I wanted to?

Uh uh, nope. Not for one minute.

She didn't manage to catch your man. Your man allowed himself to be available.

As hard as it is, and we have all done this, she is irrelevant. Do not give her your energy or power.

She is not one ounce of what you are. Regardless of looks, job, age, weight etc.

Who cares what you look like on the outside if you have no soul and your moral code is zero?

You will not compete with that because you don't have to.

You are a strong, intelligent woman, wife and mother who chose to keep her vows. YOU WIN.

If WH can't see that then let him have her and her him. She will grow tired and move on to the next conquest/victim.

180 his ass. He needs to wake up to everything he is about to lose.

REPEAT AFTER ME...

I am strong. I am more than good enough. I am a great mother. My family is more important than their lies. I will be okay. I will make it through one way or another.

Now say it again.

Keep moving. Keep praying and stand tall.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 4:22 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1199 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 32