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User Topic: New Here - My Story
megs56
Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I just joined and wanted to share my story. I’m not 100% sure if this is the right place for me because I am not married, but in a committed relationship and because my boyfriend did not physically cheat on me, but did online/texting/etc. I hope it is okay that I am posting here and I am really looking forward to some responses.
I will try to summarize my story as best as possible (sorry it's so long). Everything was great with my boyfriend in the beginning. Then he left for an almost 3 month deployment in the desert. Things were great between us while he was deployed. Or so I thought. Things were a little off when he came back, but the time difference, horrible time getting home, jet lag, etc. seemed to be the reason. We left a week after he got back for a 10 days trip to visit his family and for me to meet them for the first time. Everything was great and he told everyone how much he wanted to marry me. We got back late so I had stayed at his place and the next morning we both had to work.

Incident #1 - That morning is when I found out the first thing. I was not snooping at all. I had absolutely no reason to. I was trying to get his Ipod to work and hit the settings icon, but accidentally hit the text message icon next to it. I went to immediately click out, as I wasn’t going to or wanting to read his messages, but as I was clicking out I saw one that said “you too sexy, xoxo”. Of course, after I saw that I read their text exchange. It was very sexual and graphic (a girl he hooked up with for awhile before we met). He was even telling her when he was going to be back and they said they couldn’t wait to see each other and have sex. He sent her naked pictures and everything. I felt like everything came crashing down on me when I read those messages. I packed up all my stuff from his house (he was already on his way to work) and texted him that I saw the texts and I packed up my stuff and I would mail the key. He called me immediately and was crying and sorry and saying he was stupid and it was a mistake and he never had any intention of meeting up with her (I do actually believe that now, but my reasons would make this already long post even longer). The messages were sent to her while he was deployed. At first I was completely done, but after talking to him multiple times, I decided to work on it with him. Our relationship went back to more dating, like when you first meet, and I did not stay the night anymore. I started counseling, but my first therapist was horrible. Things slowly started to get better though.

Incident #2 – We agreed on an open electronics policy. As in, I could check his anytime for now until the trust was rebuilt (he has a computer, laptop, ipad, ipod touch, and iphone – so there are a lot). Anyway, I saw an old facebook message from while he was deployed to a girl he used to date. Nothing too sexual, but very very flirty and not in any way ok to do while you are in a committed and exclusive relationship. We had had discussions in the beginning of our relationship and after the first incident about what we both feel is appropriate and what is inappropriate, so he knew what he was doing was inappropriate.

Incident #3 – Saw an email from dropbox to himself. He sent himself a video from his dropbox of a girl doing very sexual things. He said it wasn’t recent and it was from a girl he dated long before me. I was upset he had kept this video and wanted to watch it. When everything had happened at first I asked him to delete that kind of stuff. He said he just wanted something different to watch other than porn (we were still in “dating” mode and no sex).

Incident #4 (last one) – I had to use his laptop. I wasn’t even looking to be honest , but I found file folders for at least 10-15 different girls. Naked, sexual, and just regular pics. Then I went looking and found out he was on adultfriendfinder.com. I asked about the pictures, and he said they were all old. But I asked him to delete anything like that before, and he said he had, so he lied to me and was looking at pictures of other girls that he had a personal and sexual relationship. That bothers me. Especially since he has a previous sexual relationship with them and was looking at them while we are together.

At first he said he was only looking at the live sex portion (but not participating) on that adultfriendfinder site and the others I found. I asked him if he was messaging any other girls. He said no. But when he could see that I was about to ask him to log on and show me, he admitted he does message other girls on there but wasn’t actually looking to hook up. I read the sexual messages he sent and saw all the pictures he sent the girls. It was heartbreaking. Honestly, although I think this was the worst, I was so emotionally drained at that time, I didn’t even cry all that much. I do believe that he wasn’t actually trying to meet the girls, because anytime one asked him to meet he would say he just got into a relationship or something like that. What hurt even more was he did a lot of this while gone for 10 days in England for work. That trip was already hard enough on me because all of the other messaging started when he was deployed. But I had asked him several times and he reassured me that he wasn’t doing anything bad. The lies hurt so much.

So where am I now? We are working on us and I am in IC and we will start couple’s counseling soon. He really has stepped up and he either isn’t doing anything or hiding it WAY better (he never even tried to hide it before). I really want to believe him, but he has lied to me so many times that it’s hard. I guess that I should add, not sure if it’s important, but our sex life was not lacking in anyway and he admits this. And he was and is extremely happy with me and us. He still wants to marry me. His only reason he has given is he didn’t know why he did it (incident #1 & #2) and it was a mistake. His reason for #4 is he wanted to feel wanted, even though he admits I make him feel wanted all of the time.

So that’s my story. I am sorry it is so long. But it was therapeutic to write all of that down for the first time. I’m not sure where to go from here. I love him and I know he loves me. But rebuilding the trust will be hard and take a lot of work. I know some people might tell me to run because we aren’t married yet. But I’ve never felt the way I feel for him before. Everything else, beside the online infidelity, is pretty amazing. But he does love watching porn (not sure if that will eventually lead to an addiction) and has done a lot hurtful things to me. And yes he has stopped everything for now, but what about in the future when life gets a lot harder. Of course I am working on me and all of my now insecurities and issues with my new therapist, who I love.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this. And any responses are appreciated. (Sorry for any typos, I wrote this pretty fast).


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

I am so sorry he has done this to you. Yes, you do belong here. Even if he is not having a physical affair (PA), he has had an emotional affair (EA) with several different women. Cheaters lie, that's what they do best. You keep finding out more and more. Often what you think was just an EA turns out to be a PA. He only admits to things when you find them. That is not being honest, that is lying by ommission.

Only you can decide how much you want this relationship and what you are willing to do. After two marriages to cheaters I am not always bias when it comes to couples who are not married. I know now that I would look at it as if he cheated on me now, whats to stop him from doing it again. What happens if we marry and have kids and he does it again. I wished that I would have listened to people when I was younger that told me that. I think my life would have turned out so much differently. All I am saying is think long and hard about building a life with a person with that kind of selfish, immortal tendencies.
(((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

Yes you are welcomed here. Betrayal is betrayal if you are in a committed relationship regardless of marital status.

I am sorry you are going through this!

Looking back at my own relationship, I should of bailed during the dating stage. There were red flags but I wanted to believe him when he gave his tear-filled pleas. If I got to go back and speak to my old self, I would say 'run like heck girlfriend'.

I would caution you to carefully think of how to proceed. If you do decide to continue in this relationship, I would not commit to M for a long while.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2056 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
NoAnswers37
Member
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

Hi Megs,

I too am sorry you are here.

Your story is very similar to mine so I had to reply to let you know that this has happened to someone else and everyone is always here for you to talk to.

I also accidentally saw something on my XBF's phone about 6 weeks ago - he was on a dating site.

There were tears and sorry's and we really tried to make things work. Then came the cards and love letters. I still can't read them... I understand the poster's thoughts above on couples not being married, but for me this WAS the man I was going to marry - without a doubt. I have had too much crap in my life to fall into something easily, so for me to have no doubts about our future spoke volumes. Anyway, I digress...

My "incident 2" came when we were looking at his phone together and he pressed a button like he was on auto pilot - it was to an email account. We were on holiday for his 30th in one of the most beautiful cities in the world - and far away from home. I knew then to look at this phone and found soooooo much more. Nothing since incident 1, but just like you, he said he would delete everything but he had not. He still had dating sites open and could easily have deleted the most recent emails - if there were any.

I have never been so traumatised in my life, and I decided I could not live a life like that. There are very severe issues involved when men do that sort of stuff, but I am only 3 weeks out and am just about feeling a teeeeeny bit of hope for my future.

My X also said it was for an ego boost as he did not think much about himself - I had no idea, and to be honest he probably is not telling the truth. I also asked if there were any issues in our relationship I was not ware of - his response was that I was perfect (to him...).

Well, less than 10 days after the break up and he has at least 2 dating profiles set up looking for a relationship. I just think if the issue is that bad and they do not want to accept it, they won't. We have zero contact now (after I text him saying I had found the sites he replied saying we never really meant anything...hmmm??) So I am trying to heal on my own, which is so hard as my life has changed completely, but I am starting to, very occasionally, get a feeling of: 'so glad I am not with him if he is doing this'.

Whatever you decide, take your time. His behaviour has nothing at all to do with you. It is a complete reflection on himself. I totally understand that you have love for him, and you are probably freaking out about a possible future without him, which is so normal.

But think - what are your standards?

One of the first thing I thought was that if my XBF could do this when he saw me as "perfect" in our relationship, what would he be like when I have just had our first baby, do not want sex, have not slept and am grumpy as hell on occasion!!

Either way, whatever you want to do, come back here often and trust your gut - really listen to it.

I'm so sorry if I have gone on too much about myself - it is all still very fresh but I wanted you to know that I really can relate somehow.

(((hugs)))


Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Meg's,
You belong here. So sorry you have to be here, though.

Don't feel bad about snooping. You have good reason to snoop. Don't confuse "privacy" with trying to get away with something rotten and deceitful. "Privacy" is when you shut the door to go to the bathroom. What your WBF is doing is the later.

He may be telling the truth and he may not. I have been here long enough to know that these situations usually show you only know the "tip of the iceberg" so to say.

The lying bothers me. And the fact that he only seems to admit what you discover or what you are about to discover. What else is out there hidden in some computer file, phone bill, etc?

The porn bothers me. I know lots of people use porn, but I have seen too many times where the "fantasy" of porn, the easy access of on-line dating-cheating and poor impulse control can create a recipe for disaster.

I think you are wise to take a step back in your relationship at this point. If he is more involved that you know at this point you could be exposed to STD's, etc. My advise to you would be to continue in your IC and stay diligent in your "snooping". Maybe don't call him out on everything you find. Save it and keep looking. Also, check for unknown email addresses and f/b accounts.

Good luck


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8001 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Elphaba
New Member
Member # 40110
DOH!  Posted: 2:21 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Hello Megs
First of all (((MEGS))) hugs to you, and what you are going through.
I am in a similar situation- and wanted to share.
My SO- who I am absolutely crazy about- tried to play off the first incident as "nothing happened" and he was just on Craigslist (relationshipkiller)to see if anyone would respond...ummmm yeah...right...
Well- many days later, I was able to corner him with multiple pieces of evidence, and, once cornered, he admitted to multiple PAs.
I thank God I posted here, and found this site. These folks here have been SO incredibly helpful.
There was MUCH more after the initial Dday...his running away, sleeping on the streets for a week, hitting bottom.
I believe in us- I know the man he should be, not the one that he was acting out with.
He and I now regularly attend couples counseling, both go to IC, He attends meetings three times a week, and I now attend two times a week. He is with a CSAS...
Through all of this, we have both individually found our spiritual selves as well. We regularly attend church, pray every single day together, and communicate openly. I told him just yesterday, no matter what path the future leads us down, I will be most grateful that I got right with God through all of this mess.
So- yes, it is a LOT of work. I am living minute to minute, still with uncertainty. He has shown nothing but remorse for his actions, and is truly committed to changing without my guidance. It isn't my place to "fix" him, but it is my place to work on/take care of myself.
Please do the same for you- this is the time to reflect and see if this is the life you want for the rest of your time with this man.
Please be cautious when he states nothing happened...that's what 90% of cheaters state when caught...I learned that from the folks here- and used their advice to get to the truth. It was worth planning it out.
Please put yourself first- it's what I am doing.
Take care-


So Confused, Hurt, Humiliated...
But strong...
DDay: 06/23/13
DDay #2 08/05/2013
DDay #3 08/12/13
DDay #4 08/13/13
...you get the idea
Not married
New relationship
That's what is sad...

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Santa Clara
megs56
Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Thank you so much everyone for your responses! And thank you for the support, hugs, and making me feel like I belong.

Trustgone – Thank you. I agree that he has done a lot of lying by omission. I am still trying to figure everything out. I am in in IC and that is helping. My first therapist was horrible. It took me over a month, but then I found a great therapist and that was been a huge help.

One of my main problems right now is I do worry about what will happen if we get married and have kids. Especially since he did this when everything was amazing between us. We had never even had an argument at that point. We always had such an amazing time together. I was the first girl he ever wanted to marry. His friends and family all said they could tell such a difference in him with me. I wonder what he is going to do when times get hard, because there are times in everyone’s life that are hard. I am definitely thinking long and hard about this and talking it out in IC.

EvenKeel – Thank you as well. I am definitely proceeding carefully. M is completely off the table right now. Ironically, the first incident happened right around the time we were talking about getting engaged in the next few months. Right now I am just focusing on the now and not worrying about M at all. But if it does ever come to that, it will not be for a long time.

NoAnswers37 – Thank you SO much for sharing your story! I have felt very lonely because I can’t really talk to my mom or friends about everything that has happened. Some know about the first incident, but no one other than my therapist knows about the rest. Since we have been working on us, I didn’t want to tell my friends or family everything and have them hate him/change the way they feel about him if we ended up working it out together. And with the depression I went through I honestly didn’t feel like talking to anyone else a lot as well. So while I am not happy that anyone else has experienced this, I am glad to know that I now have somewhere I can come to and talk with people who understand what I am going through.

I am so sorry that you went through all of that. Sounds like our stories are very similar. My BF was the man I planned on marrying as well. I had no doubts as well and I also don’t fall easily. So I understand exactly what you are saying.

You did not go on too much about yourself. Your post is extremely helpful to me (and I am sure others). And I tend to always write a lot anyways  Thank you for saying his behavior had nothing to do with me. That was hard to accept at first, but I am slowly coming around to believing that.

I too worry about the future since my boyfriend says I am “perfect” in the relationship as well. I worry about the hard times, etc. (as I said above). I’m still not sure what I want to do. And for me that is ok right now. I am just taking it one day at a time.

It’s funny you said something about standards. I have questioned if I am compromising my morals/standards/beliefs by staying with him. Especially the type of porn he watches, his views on porn/ strip clubs/ sex/Etc, how easily he disregarded me and my feelings, and some other things about his lifestyle. For instance, the girl from incident #1 was a girl he met on adultfriendfinder. com and they met off that site and hooked up for a while just for sex. I would just never do that. He was new to the area (never lived in this state before) and didn’t know anyone, but I still wouldn’t have gone online to a site like that to find someone to have sex with, even if I didn’t know anyone.

Any other guy I would have walked away from in a second. It is just so different with him, yet he has betrayed me and hurt me the most. IC is helping me with these questions and I am sure the support on here will help me as well. Hugs to you!

Sadtoo – Thank you for what you said about snooping. The lying really bothers me as well. Especially after the first incident he kept reassuring me he wasn’t doing anything until I caught him doing something else. He lied to my face so many times. There were tears, him begging me to not leave, and he was what seemed remorseful and depressed. Yet, he still continued to do stuff. So now I have a really hard time believing him.

The porn bothers me too. Mostly, it’s the type of porn. He says he doesn’t like “traditional” and he likes the live sex kind. Well those sites are a lot more intimate and personal in my opinion and they all have the chat feature, which he used before. I don’t think he should go on sites with that “temptation”. While he was deployed I knew he occasionally looked at porn and I was ok with it (although nothing was wrong in our relationship that I knew about at the time and I thought it was just porn). He was alone in the dessert and didn’t do anything other than work, so I understood the porn. But then he started accessing the messaging / chat feature on those sites. I have a hard time believing that he won’t do that again.

Thank you for the advice. I am going to continue IC and focusing on me. And I will continue to “snoop”. How do you check for unknown email addresses and f/b accounts? Thanks again!

Elphaba – Thank you for sharing your situation with me. Hugs back to you! Yes, I already know it will be a lot of work. It has been a ton already. I will do the same for myself and take the time to reflect and see if this is the life I want. I understand what you are saying about the nothing happened. I did find the text before the girl from incident #1 even though he was back from his deployment (he lied to her and told her he wouldn’t be back for over a month from when he actually was returning). So that was one of the reasons I believed that. But I do worry that he is lying about the “nothing happened” in general, because well he has lied to me so many times before! But anytime a girl tried to meet up (in the messages I saw and know about), he always said no.

I’m glad you are putting yourself first!  Take care as well!


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
megs56
Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Sorry for such a long response above, but I wanted to respond to everyone.

One thing I do want to add is that right after incident #4 he deleted (in front of me, but without me asking) all of the pictures from his computer. He deleted all of the accounts to the chat/porn sites (even ones I didn't know about, but not sure if it's all of them,). He deleted anyone off twitter, facebook, and his phone that shouldn't have been on there. Etc. He should of done ALL of this after incident #1 (especially since I asked), but he did finally do it.

I do have full access to his phone and computers and all that. He never locks anything so I don't need a password.
I do wonder if he just finally got smarter about hiding it all though. He does seem extremely remorseful. There have been a lot of tears and trying to make everything better. But there were tears after incident #1 too. One thing that concerns me is that he hasn't tried to figure out why he did what he did and how he won't do it again. He says he doesn't know why he did everything (other than saying he made a mistake and likes feeling wanted), but says it doesn't matter because he knows he won't do it again because he doesn't want to lose me. I worry that he will do it again without figuring those things out. He will go to CC with me though, so we plan on doing that soon.


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, September 27th (Friday)

One thing that concerns me is that he hasn't tried to figure out why he did what he did and how he won't do it again. He says he doesn't know why he did everything (other than saying he made a mistake and likes feeling wanted), but says it doesn't matter because he knows he won't do it again because he doesn't want to lose me. I worry that he will do it again without figuring those things out.

You are exactly on target to be concerned. "He doesn't know why" and "I made a mistake but it doesn't matter because..." sounds to me like a lot of rug sweeping.

He NEEDS to dig down deep and find out the why. If he doesn't you're going to be dealing with this your whole life with him.

You also made a good point earlier when you pointed out that this should be the best time in your life together. What's going to happen when things aren't so great? Marriage, kids, sick kids, loss of a job, other major stressors that WILL HAPPEN. How's he going to keep from "acting out" during those times?


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8001 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
NoAnswers37
Member
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 3:34 AM, September 27th (Friday)

Sadtoo is absolutely right, he needs to really think about why this is happening. If it has been going on for years then it may be that the 'abnormal' has turned into 'normal' for him. He needs to know this is very unhealthy behaviour and there he needs to find out (with IC) what is/has caused this.

I really really feel for you having to go through this - it is just so cruel. But I am glad you are in IC - keep that going, write down concerns you have between sessions etc. And I am glad you are accepting that you had NOTHING to do with this. Not one bit. It is very hard initially not to look at yourself with critical eyes. I went through days picking myself apart, physically, emotionally, thinking what my character is like etc etc. And I realised that he was doing this no matter what. I also wonder whether you know if your guy has done this before? Were you the first one this has happened to?

Yes, it seems our situations are very similar, but the outcome is totally different - we were LD so it has been so easy for him to revert back to his online ways and cut me out. I HAD to tell friends to get support. I had visions of them calling him all sorts, but in the end they were all just hurt for me. If there are one or two people you can really trust, I would suggest telling them. Explain you are considering staying with him so no name calling! They might surprise you.

Before my "incident 1" I never thought I would ever stay with anyone who would set up a dating profile whilst being in a relationship with me. Life teaches you funny things though - after talking things through and through with him I came to the realisation that you cannot just walk away from every situation which you do not approve of. I told him that he had fallen and I would catch him. We would work on his insecurities together.

When I then found out that he had lied about the extent of his cheating, I knew that it had gone too far. I knew that I had to walk away as the man I was going to marry would NEVER behave like that. People make mistakes and do them to learn things to grow, but what I saw went well beyond a mistake.

I cannot see me getting into a relationship soon. BUT, if I ever do get married, then that man will not be like him. There will be more transparency because of what I have been through. We never should have had to learn this lesson about humanity and betrayal, but soooo many people on here have learnt it through marriage. Like I said, we should never had to deal with this pain, but I am happy with my decision that I walked away and am a bit wiser to what people can be capable of.

I am not trying to sway your thoughts into thinking how I did. You are doing amazingly well by accepting that you are not too sure what you need to do and that you are taking things day by day.

Give yourself time to get through the shock of it all but then have a real deep think about what you thought your life would be like. What sort of life you deserved.. if it is with him, so be it! If he makes you more happy than sad and you can live with what he has done then that is fine. But, he really needs to go to IC or something to dig deep and try and work on what caused his behaviour before you can both consider moving forward.

Remember, it took my XBF 10 days after the breakup to have new updated profiles online "looking for a relationship". I see him as being riddled with whatever it is that causes this behaviour. He does not want help, so I have had to walk away.

Take care of you, please make sure you eat and drink and get out of the house and sleep as much as you can manage. Those basic things are very hard to do at times like this, but they will help you process everything lot better.

Thinking of you ((hugs))


Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
megs56
Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, September 27th (Friday)

Sadtoo – I agree that he needs to dig down deep and find out the why. I don’t know if he will do IC as he doesn’t think he needs it. He just thinks he won’t ever do it again. I know he will go to counseling with me though. The not knowing why thing has always bothered me.

Yeah, one of my biggest concerns is that he did this while everything was great! I worry that he will turn to a lot more porn, messaging other girls and maybe even a PA when things get hard (as they always do at some point). Of course he says he wouldn’t do that. But he also said before he would never do all of the things he has now done.


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
megs56
Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, September 27th (Friday)

NoAnswers37 – I think he understands now that what he did is unhealthy behavior, but he seems uninterested in the why and just says it doesn’t matter because he knows he won’t do it again. What he did has not been going on for years, well with me at least. It started in April 2013 when he was deployed. DDAy #1 was 6/24/13 and DDay #4 was 8/6/13.

But I have a feeling he has done this before. I saw his profile on one of the messaging sites and the “info” that he wrote about said he was 27 (but the profile had updated him to the correct age now – he is now 32). So he made that while he was with a girl he was with for a long time I think. And his last girlfriend made him turn off his facebook and a bunch of other stuff. He said she was just crazy and controlling, but now I wonder if she found him doing some of the same stuff. He says has he has not done anything like this before. I’m not sure if he is telling the truth though. In some ways I guess it’s good if he has not done it before, because then this isn’t super long term behavior. But then I wonder – why me? Why did he do it to me then? When everything was so great and he says he is by far the happiest he has ever been and the most in love he has ever been.

Yeah, our outcomes are different. It is funny that you mention LD though. Because he did a lot of this while he was deployed out of the country and another time while he was in England for 10 days. Well he is getting out of the military and starting a new job in a few weeks. He will have to do 8 month of training in Texas (we live in CA). So we will be LD during that time if we are still together. Initially we thought he was going to have to leave in Nov, which would have been horrible timing, but there aren’t any openings at the school, so now it won’t be until April. Which is so much better for us. But that 8 months away from each other scares me SO much! I feel like he will revert back to his old ways.

I’m glad you were able to tell your friends. My friends that do know some have been pretty good for the most part. They just don’t want me hurt. I actually told 2 coworkers that I’m very close to a little about Incident #4 because we are close, but they have not met or will ever really hang out with my BF. But that’s about it. Right now being on here and in IC are really the only places where I feel like I can share everything. But my friends do know that I’ve been going through a hard time and they are supportive.

Thank you for everything you said.  Your kind works have meant a lot and I appreciate all of the advice. I’m so glad that you are happy with your decision and wiser now. You sound like a very strong person.

I will definitely give myself time and take care of myself. I had some crazy work stress during all of this too, but as of last week that is finally over. Time to focus on me! Of course, I am an emotional eater and I gained weight with all of this. Which doesn’t help my insecurities I now have after everything(I didn’t have them before), but I know I’ll get the weight off! I’ve already started eating better and I’m back in the gym.

Hugs to you as well!


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, September 27th (Friday)

– I think he understands now that what he did is unhealthy behavior, but he seems uninterested in the why and just says it doesn’t matter because he knows he won’t do it again. What he did has not been going on for years, well with me at least. It started in April 2013 when he was deployed. DDAy #1 was 6/24/13 and DDay #4 was 8/6/13.

Be careful here. There is a difference between him saying he understands and him actually understanding.

I fear you are receiving a lot of lip action and he is only telling you what he thinks you want to hear. (I'm sorry; I won't do it again; I know I won't do it again; I haven't been doing it that long...blah, blah blah)

Him seeming "uninterested" in the "why" would be deeply concerning to me. It tells me that he doesn't see this as "a big deal" and has no interest in changing his behavior.

That's bad.

I don't know if I would call this "porn" either. This is more like interactive Internet sex. In my day we called this "phone sex" but we didn't have the visuals. To me, "porn" is watching a movie or looking at pictures. But there is no interaction with the porn person? (whatever) And if I understand his activity correctly, he is having internet sexual (typing, video, & audio) interaction with these (person(s)) correct?

I seriously, seriously doubt that he just started doing this when he was deployed.

I'm starting to see a pattern here of a serious lying problem and possibly a sexual addiction.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 7:46 PM, September 27th (Friday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8001 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, September 27th (Friday)

Adding:

In some ways I guess it’s good if he has not done it before, because then this isn’t super long term behavior. But then I wonder – why me? Why did he do it to me then? When everything was so great and he says he is by far the happiest he has ever been and the most in love he has ever been.

This has absolutely NOTHING to do with you. NOTHING.

And it's more likely that this has been a long term problem for him. The reason why none of this is making any sense is because he is lying. If it doesn't make sense, it's a lie.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8001 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
NoAnswers37
Member
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 5:04 AM, September 28th (Saturday)

Lovely megs - I am saying this very gently but there are red flags.

I too looked on all the dating sites to try and get my head together and sure enough there were profiles 7 years old. I also, only the other day, figured something more out. The 200 emails I found on his phone started in November last year (we got together in Sep). I remember looking at him in astonishment when I found them and asked how this could have been going on since NOVEMBER?? Put it like this, he went with that statement and said, yes, it has been that long, but not before. Of course a few days ago I remembered that was when he go his new phone, the older emails just had not transferred...

If he is not giving you the information off his own back then he is hiding things. Prepare yourself that you might only know the tip of a very large iceberg.

I also heard stories of the "crazy ex" - I am almost 100% certain she was not and he did this to her. Poor girl.

And now I am the crazy ex - he thinks that my behaviour is "very very concerning" because I have asked him some questions about the dates he sent most emails on.

Thank you for saying I seem strong - believe me, there are moments when I feel like the weakest person in the world. But I HAVE TO carry on. My life is not this!! I am going to heal and get a better life, we all will.

Please listen to people on here - I respect that I am still very fresh in this mess, but the behaviours of them are so strikingly similar.

If he does not do everything in his power to try and go back and figure out what has happened, then he will do it again. It does sound like there is an addiction and people cannot just give that up! It takes a lot of work and soul searching.

I thought the same thing as you - why me?? Well, why not me? It is NO WAY a reflection on ANYTHING about you. Please believe me. This is completely his issue and now that it is starting to leak out into the real world and hurt people, shit is getting serious and he either needs to accept there is a very serious problem or leave you well alone.

I am so sorry if this comes across as harsh, but I just want you to be happy and to make the right decision, but he has to put in the work first.

And screw the weight gain, just glad to hear you are eating!! Perhaps YOU are stronger than you thought...


Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
megs56
Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

Sadtoo – Your responses always seem to be spot on with what fears I have! I do sometimes feel like he is just telling me what he wants me to hear and him not wanting to understand the why concerns me so much. I do feel like he does the “rug sweeping” as others have described on here.

I brought up IC for him today. He has said he would do CC with me before if I wanted, but didn’t think it was needed. Anyway, he said fine if I really wanted him to do IC he will. But he doesn’t need to go because he knows he’ll never do it again. That isn’t reassuring to me. I feel like he needs to know the why!

As for the porn Ok here is everything that he did (that I know about):

1)Sexting/sending naked pictures to a girl he had sex with before he knew me that he met off of AFF and they were talking about how they couldn’t wait to have sex again. He said no PA ever and he never had any intention of having sex with her.

2) looking at naked pics online, magazines, etc (like you said it’s a kind of porn)

3) looking at naked and sexual pictures other girls have sent him / watching videos other girls have made for him

4) flirting on facebook messaging with another girl

5) messaging other girls and sending naked pictures to other girls on sites like AFF

6) watching the live sex “porn”. He says that’s the kind he likes. It’s also the kind that also has massaging always available. I know on some sites it can be interactive, but he says he only watches and never interacts (who knows). But I still feel like this is WAY more personal than just watching a porn video.

I agree that he has a lying and probably a sexual addiction problem. He has been on all of these sites for YEARS! That is why I want him to do IC. My therapist said something about him maybe having an addiction and if he doesn't do something about it, it will never get better.

I’m so confused right now. I’m just trying to figure everything out. This site has been helpful. I think it’s brought my worries/concerns/doubts back to the surface when I was trying to bury them (unintentionally). I really appreciate your outlook/advice.


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
megs56
Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

Sadtoo - I know it doesn't have anything to do with me. This site made me realize that. But it still hard for me to not feel that way sometimes.

I do believe that he has a lying / possible sexual addiction problem. It is all about him. He did all of this and I am sure he did it to all of the girls before me. I no longer think I am the first.


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

Megs. Please run from this guy. Please.

The whole point of dating is to *sample* -- in an effort to find a person that will make a compatible life partner for you. This guy doesn't sound as if he's compatible with you.

I have questioned if I am compromising my morals/standards/beliefs by staying with him. Especially the type of porn he watches, his views on porn/ strip clubs/ sex/Etc, how easily he disregarded me and my feelings, and some other things about his lifestyle

These are all huge red flags for problems down the road. I just don't see him as a 'viable' life-partner at this point in time.

I understand that you are very invested with him....but. Don't hang your hat on *if* he changes and stops doing <x> or starts doing <y>. He's already been *caught* and promised to stop....and hasn't. Look at who he is right now and ask yourself if that is who you want to hook your trailer to for the long haul. HE says that his x was crazy, blahblah....but based on what you know about his activities.....she wasn't. He has been engaging in this type of behavior for a very long time. And no. He can't stop just because he *says* he will. Ain't gonna happen.

Yes, he's gonna cry and want to hang on to the relationship. As will you.....because of the *investment* that you've both made and because breaking up sucks. But Megs, breaking up with this guy NOW is probably the best course of action. You seem to be trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7941 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
megs56
Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

Noanswer – Thank you for making me smile! I actually do think I am pretty strong  I know no matter what I will be ok! I am just confused right now. I feel very torn. I know it sounds stupid to say, but any other guy or any other relationship I’ve ever been in I would have left no questions asked after incident #1. I do and don’t know why he is so different.

As I said earlier, I do agree that he has some kind of addiction. Everyone on here, including you, are giving me the strength to really admit that he and a life with him is probably not what I want. My #1 concern and what I ask myself is if I stay with him and eventually marry him am I basically setting myself up for failure? Setting myself up for a life where I get hurt by his EA and maybe eventually PA? I have IC on Wednesday and I think that will be very helpful. I’m just trying to sort out my feelings right now.

How can I believe him when all he has done is lied to me and only told me the truth after getting caught?


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

You will sort it all out and make the right choice.

Some food for thought:
My XH was also probably a sex addict. He lied, he cheated with multiple OW's and had an OC (other child) with one OW.

All of these things were extremely hurtful. But the lies were by far the worst.

I have a feeling you will soon have your answer about whar to do. He will either get serious with IC & CC or he will be an ass about it and only go once or twice.

That will tell you all you'll need to know.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8001 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Pacman
New Member
Member # 40834
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, September 30th (Monday)

You're not married, no kids and young. If he does not honor your relationship now, he will not honor it later. I have a similar problem with my wife, I just found out she is sexting an old boyfriend at the very minimum. We have been together for 14 years with 2 children. Don't get yourself down the road like this when you have the ability to change it now. The pain is much more intense.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Washington State
Amber1818
New Member
Member # 40832
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, September 30th (Monday)

My story is a little similiar to yours as i've posted in the post ' confusion.' I didn't read this thread of I would have not posted a new one. Sigh, being in the same boat and reading what others say, i guess its bit clearer to me now. However, the feelings are so strong and it's so hard to move on. You sound much more stronger than me and it's good you're eating ! Glad to hear that. Just a question though, do you think you are able to trust other guys now because I'm really having trust issues after all the lies!

Posts: 8 | Registered: Sep 2013
megs56
Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, September 30th (Monday)

Sadtoo - Thank you. I know I will sort it all out in the end and make the right choice.

The lies have probably been the hardest and worst part for me as well. It's just the continual lying until I came back with new evidence that hurt so much and was so hard. That's what makes it so hard to trust him now. All he ever did was lie until I confronted him with evidence.

I think I will have an answer soon too. This site has been enlightening for me. I am hoping he does IC & CC and takes it seriously, but I don't have a lot of hope right now that he will. I guess I will see and like you said, that will tell me all I need to know.

All he keeps telling me is he isn't doing anything bad or wrong. Well he said that before, so it's hard to believe him. Other than deleting everything in front of me, he hasn't really taken any other steps to make things better or change his behavior. And he is still occasionally watching some porn, just not interacting or chatting (according to him) on those sites. I think he shouldn't even be on a site where that is an option!

I know it's not about me at all. But his need to still watch porn makes me feel like I'm not enough.


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
megs56
Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, September 30th (Monday)

gonnabe - Thank you for your response.

I know you are right. You made some extremely good points and I have thought all of those same things.

I know you should never marry someone wanting them to change because marriage doesn't just make someone change. I guess I was hoping with IC and CC he could get to the "why" and work on changing his behavior. But I'm finally starting to realize that it's not going to work if he doesn't think he has a problem and he doesn't feel the need to put in the work.

You and everyone else on here are right. Just saying he won't do it again is not going to really make him stop in the future.

Yes breakups suck and I've put in a lot of investment. But the reason I've hung on is really not that, it's more that I've never felt for someone like I feel about him and other than this stuff, we get along and are very compatible. BUT this is VERY serious stuff. I know that. I don't want a life partner who does this kind of stuff. I don't want that to be my life. I don't want the lies, the hurt, and the betrayal.


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
megs56
Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, September 30th (Monday)

Pacman - I am so sorry that you are going through this as well. hugs to you!

That is my fear. If he does this now, I fear he will do it again in the future. I am sure the pain is so much more intense the longer you've been with someone, marriage, kids, etc. I can't even imagine, because my pain is pretty intense. I don't ever want to feel this pain again!


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
megs56
Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, September 30th (Monday)

Amber - I am sorry that you are going through something similar. I would never want anyone to be in the same boat as me with this.

I understand it's hard to move on. I am still with my BF at the moment and trying to figure everything out. So I might not be the best person to give you advice on the moving on part. I do believe that everything gets better with time though (as cliche as that is). And I am here for you anytime if you want to talk. :)

Yes, it is good I am eating. Just sucks that I am overeating and craving sweets that I normally don't eat! But I guess it is better than the opposite.

Are you in IC? I am and that is where I plan on working on my trust issues. Right now, if my boyfriend and I break up, I don't think I could trust another guy. But I also wouldn't go right back to dating. I would take time and do a lot of IC and work on my trust and stuff with my therapist. I do think I will eventually be able to trust a guy again, but it will take work to get to that place.


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, September 30th (Monday)

*****it's not going to work if he doesn't think he has a problem*****


Ding.Ding.Ding. (<--that's supposed to be that bell that goes off when someone answers correctly......)

He doesn't see it as a problem, and you *explaining* it to him isn't going to work for the long run either. This is a base-line difference of values.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7941 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
megs56
Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, September 30th (Monday)

Yes, I am finally really starting to realize this and accept that.

Even though we talked about values when we were dating and getting to know each other, I now realize we have a lot of different values. Then again that is because he lied about some of his values previously.


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
Amber1818
New Member
Member # 40832
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Hey, hmm sorry but erm, what's IC? If i decipher it correctly, its something about seeing a therapist? In my country, we don't really have such thing and it's not common for us to see a counselor.=( I am a medical student myself and I find it really hard to control my feelings and emotions. The thing is, he kept saying he doesnt have the face to face me and my family and friends and its better for me to forget him and move on. I asked if he missed me and he said he does but it doesnt matter anymore. Now his heart is just empty and he wants to move on with life and not be reminded of it. However, whenever i attempt to talk to him, the issue will rise up and he will get angry at me for not letting the issue go and squeezing the whole thing out. I'm not sure what he's thinking right now. I asked if he wants to give a chance to us and we start from scratch just as friends. He said ok and see how it goes. But when i asked him to promise me not to have one night stands or make out with people, he said friends dont make friends promise such stuff. He finds being friends with me is difficult coz i tend to act like his gf instead of a friend and remind him of all the past incident. I'm not sure whether that's remorse or just sweeping everything under the rug. Right now ,i feel like i can't find someone and its hard for me to go into another relationship. My job scope doesn't permit me to meet many people and by now, most of the people my age would have been engaged or have partners. I'm really worried, if i dont have him back, then i would really be lonely. Im feeling quite depressed and worried for the future. I admire your courage that you're at least working things out with your bf. I'm just.. stranded.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Sep 2013
megs56
Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Amber - IC means individual counseling. It took me awhile to get all of the abbreviations :)

If counseling is not an option, although I think it is always helpful, then other than posting on here you should check out the healing library on this site as well. Also, maybe there are some good books that you can read. And you can private message me anytime as well if you want. :)

I'm sorry you feel stranded, but you are not alone. You have all of us on this site that understand how it feels to be lied to and for someone you care about to betray you.

With the information you have given me, in my opinion, it seems like that guy is playing games with you a little and he does not seem remorseful. He also does not seem like he wants a relationship with you and it doesn't sound like he is capable of being faithful at the moment. In my gentle opinion, as hard as it will be, I think the healthiest thing is for you to go NC (no contact) with him and work on yourself and try to move on. Trying to be friends with him does not sound like it would be healthy for you. I know it is going to be really hard, but you have to think about what is best for you.

I am sure you will eventually find someone else. Right now just focus on you. I understand about a lot of people your age being in relationships. But personally I would rather be alone than to be in a relationship with someone who lies and cheats just so I could be in a relationship. I am still trying to figure my relationship out, but I have not stayed thus far just because I don't want to be alone. I don't mind being alone. I just want to be happy.

Also, since you are feeling depressed and it doesn't sound like you have a lot of access to counseling, Can you see your doctor and maybe get some anti depressants?

Take care. Hugs!! I am so sorry you are dealing with this!


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
NoAnswers37
Member
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Hey Megs, thought I'd drop in to see how you are doing,

You sound so much stronger, girl!! I know you are still in pain but hang on in there, whatever you decide you will be just fine : ) I know it! It does sound like you are in the mindset of not "settling" for this, so stay strong and focus on you. So glad you are in IC and that you are working on yourself. Really proud of you.

Amber - it sounds like he is rugsweeping ot just cannot see what he has done is wrong. Please do not stay in an awful situation because you are worried about being lonely. I totally understand your fear with that, but you are NEVER alone - we are all here for you! You sound like a very intelligent girl, so focus on your career and look after yourself.

Hugs to all x


Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
megs56
Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Awe thank you for checking in on me NoAnswers!

Thank you! I do feel stronger. I know no matter what, it will be ok! :)

This site has really helped me think about all of my concerns. It has also made me feel validated in having the concerns I have. I am looking forward to IC tomorrow as it is the first session I've had since joining (I joined right before my session last week). I have A LOT to talk about!

I am definitely not settling for any of this. I am still sorting all of my feelings out. But I do know that I will not stay with him if he doesn't take IC and CC seriously and really put in the work. That is if I even ended up staying with him at all and give him that chance.

How are you doing NoAnswers?


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

I am so sorry to say that I am with gonnabe2016......run, Forest, run.
As fast as you can.

If he does this as just a boyfriend, then marriage sure won't stop him & the stakes get so much higher then. You can't get out of a marriage as easily as you can leave a boyfriend.


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 208 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
megs56
Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Thank you for your reply OMG. Yes, I think most people are telling me to run. I am almost to that point. I know right now that the only way I would even consider staying with him is if he does IC, CC, and puts in a lot of work. He needs to understand, not just say, what he did was wrong. And he would need to work on trying to figure out why he did all of that. I doubt he will do any of that though and I know he won't have a chance at changing unless he does at least all of that.

All I know is I do not want a future with a guy that would do everything that he has done to me. And yes I know it is a lot easier to break up than get a divorce.


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
NoAnswers37
Member
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 2:47 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Hello! I'm OK thanks, still taking it day by day but getting there - I am no longer looking back at the relationship and the MILLION happy memories with that much pain - I am more thinking about the fact that he was taking to those other women WHILST those happy memories were taking place. Grrrrrr!

I have a feeling I'm inching towards the "angry stage". And it has only been 4 weeks, so I am really quite surprised with how well I am doing!!

I hope your IC goes well today - let us know how you got on.

Just one little note my lovely - you say you will not consider the relationship unless he takes IC and CC seriously - how much time will you give him? Have you set a deadline for him to get serious about this? I only say that as I would have thought only true R can happen if the other person shows real remorse when shit hits the fan. I just don't want this dragging out for you or for him to give you false hope...

Take care


Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
megs56
Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Well my IC ended up getting canceled last night! :( My therapist's car broke down on the freeway, so totally understandable that she had to cancel, but it really sucked because last night I really needed it. It's rescheduled for Monday.

NoAnswers - I am so happy that you are getting better day by day!! :) You are doing really well. I'm not surprised at all, you seem very smart and strong.

I was planning on giving him until the beginning of Nov, so basically a month, to see if he would take everything seriously. IC, CC, and proving that he is remorseful and that he knows what he did was wrong and for him to try to figure out the why.

BUT.... Now I doubt any of that is going to happen. He is reluctant to do CC and IC for himself, even though before he said he would do anything, including CC. IC for him is a definite no from him. And for CC he just eventually sarcastically says fine I'll go if you really want me to, but it's not needed. Finally yesterday I asked him why he is so reluctant. He said we should be able to do it on our own, it isn't needed, and he doesn't want to go. When I was asking him why he won't go he just kept saying because I doesn't want to. REALLY?! I feel if he was willing to do anything for us he would do CC without any complaints.

Then he said he feels like I'm overreacting sometimes and said he thought I would have been over everything by now! Both of those statements make me feel like this isn't going to work. He just doesn't understand! I still can't believe he thinks I should be over it already. It's not like he has done much to help me get over it!

I keep telling him he needs to figure out why he did all of that stuff and he needs to work on himself to fix this long term behavior. All he will ever say is that he won't do it ever again and since he made that decision that's all that he needs to do! Really? Pretty sure just saying you aren't going to do something you've done for a long time ever again is not going to work.

So yeah. I am basically done. I mean I know now that he isn't willing to do the work and a life with him isn't what I want. I know it is stupid, but I want to wait until after I talk everything out with my IC before I make my final decision and break up with him. She always helps me with role playing what I am going to say and stuff like that, so I think it will be helpful.

I know I deserve better than this though. :)


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
megs56
Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 4:19 AM, October 4th (Friday)

Bad night tonight. I just wish he was more remorseful. He is only full of words and no action. And as time goes on (less than 2 months since the last and worst DDay) he seems less remorseful.

I know what I need to do. This just sucks. I know none of this is about me, but I feel rejected and like I'm not worth fighting for. Which of course proves even more he isn't the one for me, but a shitty situation none the less. He just feels like everything should be better and I should just move on. He doesn't get that it takes work!

Sorry, just needed to vent after a bad night.


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, October 5th (Saturday)

I'm sorry, Megs. I know it's hard and I know it hurts. But you are right. He is showing you who he is right now.

Then he said he feels like I'm overreacting sometimes and said he thought I would have been over everything by now!

This is really bad and a big red flag! I heard this too from my XH. All the while he continued to lie, cheat and have more affairs.

I think it sounds like you are dealing with this in a very healthy way.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8001 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
megs56
Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

Yes, he is showing me who he is. Between now not wanting to do counseling and telling me he thinks I'm overreacting sometimes and I should be over it, he is not remorseful and doing everything he can to work on us and have me regain trust in him.

And yesterday there was another great line from him. We were arguing because I questioned him about a search on his phone. After telling me I can't let things go and I always bring things up again (because of course what he did before came up in this conversation). He then walks away and sarcastically says "I love my life". REALLY? All of this happened because of his actions and lies. I treated him amazingly. And now I'm sad and upset and my life got turned upside down, but I didn't do anything to cause that. I couldn't believe he had the balls to say that!!

Thank you Sadtoo. I agree that a lot of how my boyfriend is acting are red flags! I am trying to deal with all this the healthiest / best way I can. It is hard and sucks right now, but I'll be ok and stronger than ever one day. :) I'm looking forward to IC tomorrow. I have a lot to catch her up on!


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, October 7th (Monday)

Just consider this. You are already in that awful place where you feel you need to check his electronics, where you can't feel safe and trust. This is not a place of comfort - I know, I was there at the end of a long marriage with two teenage kids. The thought of having such a tarnished opinion of someone and STILL giving him my precious life... never never never.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 860 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
megs56
Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, October 7th (Monday)

Crazynot - thanks for your reply. Yes, I am definitely already in that awful place of checking his electronics. A place I NEVER thought I'd be! And a place a really don't want to be. I don't want to feel like I have to check his electronics, etc. But right now that's where I am at. It sucks to have to be in this place. Something needs to change. Either he needs to man up and really try to do everything he can to help us R and heal and show that he is remorseful or I need to leave. His actions lately are making it a lot clearer to me which option it is most likely going to be.


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
Tawnie
New Member
Member # 40886
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, October 7th (Monday)

My story is similar to yours. From the very beginning we had these issues and I ignored them, married him and here I am 20 years later on the verge of filing for divorce.
I believe that people can change. But they have to want it. I hope your BF goes to therapy with you and without you! People can turn their lives around! Good luck!

Posts: 17 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Iowa
megs56
Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, October 7th (Monday)

Thank you for your response Tawnie! I'm sorry that you are going through this now and on the verge of divorce. I'm sure it's really hard. Big hugs to you!

I too believe that people can change, but only if they really want it. My boyfriend still won't go IC but after a great therapy session for me today, I came over after and told him the only way I'd consider staying with him is if he did CC with me. He reluctantly agreed saying he doesn't want to break up so he will do it. And I finally got it out of him that he is scared and he thinks it's just going to be the counselor telling him it's all his fault and he does everything wrong. I explained to him a bit about therapy and told him it will not be with my current therapist. So I think he feels better now. I'm glad he is going to go. Now I just have to see if he puts in the work and tries.

He also bought the book the 5 languages of love today. So I think that's good.


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
megs56
Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, October 11th (Friday)

First CC session set now for next Wednesday. So hopefully that will help me see if my boyfriend is truly remorseful and willing to do everything he can to change and help me heal/trust him again. I am still in limbo-land right now, but I think CC will help me make a decision on either breaking up with him or really being 100% committed to R with him. I am still unsure at the moment what I want, but I am working on figuring it all out.


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, October 11th (Friday)

It's hard to say yet whether he's getting it or not. Many WS's will put on a bit of a show (after first denying and then minimising) as a way to try to appease their betrayed partner - trying to deflect your attention (while building resentment for "being forced" to change). What you want is not some quick bandaid, but a long term solution - that is dependent consistency of action and demonstration of initiative in fixing the problems.
He may step up for real. He may not. It's too early to tell yet. Give yourself the time to find out the truth of the matter and to understand what it is that you want out of all of this.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
megs56
Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

Thank you for your reply SerJR. I know it is too early to tell if he is getting it or not. Honestly, I still don't think he quite gets it, but this past week I have at least for the first time seen some genuine effort to try to work on us. Although this could just be a part of the cycle you describe in your post.

I definitely don't want a bandaid. I don't believe in quick fixes. I know in my heart that the only way my relationship can survive is through hard work and long term commitment to working us. Like you said

that is dependent consistency of action and demonstration of initiative in fixing the problems.

I definitely agree with that. I hope my boyfriend steps up, but I will leave him if he doesn't. I am giving myself time to figure everything out though. I won't rush any of my decisions. I am still trying to figure everything out. I know I'll get there one day though. Thanks for your response! As you know I always think you have really great responses. :) I appreciate and value your outlook/advice.


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

I think that is a fantastic plan, megs


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
megs56
Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

Thank you! :)


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
Topic Posts: 48