It's been five very long, very hard months since my DDay. Last Friday we had a really long talk, which was the first one since I found out, and he said he came totally clean to me, claiming it was just a one kiss thing aside from the EA. Never anything physical. A new story from the ones he's tried feeding me before.
Like the rest of us on here, I feel as though WBF is lying yet again. I do not trust that all they did while alone together was kiss. He didnt tell me where they were alone together, how often, or how many times and I am now afraid to ask anything else because I feel as though I'm nagging him with the topic. Every day I have a million new questions, and they go unanswered because they are never asked. On Friday I only got up the nerve to ask a few questions, and he answered me. But I couldnt deal with much more, and it was wicked late night, almost 4AM at this point. Sadly our convo had to come to an end. And now I'm afraid to get another one going.
I cannot get this off my mind, regardless of other significant things I have going on. It's as if this has the most priority in my life, though we do have two children. I absolutely HAAAATEEEE this right now. I am constantly sitting in front of this computer almost expecting to find a post on here from someone who found out the truth explaining how they did so, so that I can do it too. I say I'm going to get off, stop doing this to myself, and yet I find myself back on here thinking the same thoughts, looking for answers that only he can give me, and feeling so very hopeless.
I want to call this off, but I'm not strong enough. I want to stay, but I'm not strong enough. I want to be normal and trust again, but I'm not strong enough.
I may go stay at my mom's with my girls for the weekend and try to think and clear my head. That won't happen but it will be much needed time away from him. I do want to be with him all the time because I love this man. But I despise him when he's near, just like I despise him when he's gone for fear of what he might be doing, or who.
This is bullshit. I hate him for doing this to me. I almost want to do it right back so he knows how I feel, I want him to hurt physically because the pain in my chest is damn near explosive. I want to know the truth and I want control over myself again.
Every single day I wake and tell myself today is the day I put this behind me and stop thinking about it. Today I will be happy and not allow this to take over me anymore. Today is the day I wont fight him over dirty dishes when I'm really fighting him over what he did. Today is the day I will not cry. And every single day I fail at what I set out to do. Grrrrr!BROtip #1293: You dont have to have sex to cheat. If you find yourself deleting texts, youre probably almost there.
Cheating is easy! Why dont you try something more challenging - like being faithful.