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Just Found Out
User Topic: What do I do?
enesloaja
New Member
Member # 40799
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

My wife of 6 1/2 years completely cut me off emotionally and physically about a month ago. She began hanging out with a group of new people in another town and I immediately grew suspicious. After intensive investigations I had enough information to know she had strayed. After weeks of confrontations she finally admitted to sleeping with another guy multiple times. She has told me they are now only friends but she won't stop talking to him. She agreed to see a MC. I have seen the MC twice on my own and she just went yesterday on her own. We have an appointment together next week. The MC told her that she does not need to give me all the details of the A and my WS still will not agree to NC but insists the PA is over. I don't know what do do, think of feel but I know I need the details and NC before I will consider R. She says that once we R she will agree to NC!

Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: new york
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

1. The MC is full of shit.
2. Your wife is too.

You know what to do.
Put your foot down and demand the respect you deserve.

You need to be strong - say no hell no - to all that shit.

I'm sorry for the shit sandwich they are serving - now they want you to swallow it with a smile?
Fuck.
That.
Noise!


Posts: 6617 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

eneslonaja,

She wants to keep him as an option. It doesn't sound like you are willing to do this. You are the one who lays down the rule for R not her. Read up on the 180. She still feels like she can have her cake and ice cream too.

((((HUGS)))))


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

MC told her that she does not need to give me all the details of the A
Interesting that the MC didn''t ask what you needed. Fire the MC. No discussion. Just done.

She says that once we R she will agree to NC!
This is a power struggle issue on her part. This is absolutely not the act of a WS who is remorseful. In fact it doesn''t even come across as regret. Would she be ok with you continuing to be in touch with the AP if the roles were reversed? Don''t ask. She wouldn''t give an honest at this point because she''s still in the fog.

You say you need the details before you can R. You also need NC.

More importantly you need IC for yourself. Take care of yourself.
Next you need to see an attorney and be prepared. If NC and getting the details are dealbreaker issues for you then you need to be ready to act on that.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3868 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
callmecrazy
Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Did the MC really say this, or did your WW say she said it?? If that was the MC get a new one. I have found that some will agree w whoever is in front of them and that just makes it worse. Sometimes they need to call bull and risk offending someone. I also think WS sometimes will lie about what they are told to try and continue manipulating the BS.

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
enesloaja
New Member
Member # 40799
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

I have done the 180 twice and it only takes a day or two for her to call crying and telling me how guilty she feels and how much she loves me and wants R.

WS told me that the MC said she doesn't have to tell me. I have not seen the MC since their appointment.

I'm seeing guilt but not remorse.

I have seen a lawyer and have that covered.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: new york
Gipper
Member
Member # 32232
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

She is playing you, friend. Listen to what jjct said. She is relying on the fact that you value the marriage more than she does. IF the MC actually said that then fire him/her. IMO, you will getter better information on here on how to navigate through this mess. Good luck.

Posts: 718 | Registered: May 2011
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

WS told me that the MC said she doesn''t have to tell me. I have not seen the MC since their appointment.
I would verify that one then.

I have done the 180 twice and it only takes a day or two for her to call crying and telling me how guilty she feels and how much she loves me and wants R.
Except that she''s not backing that up with actions. Remember the 180 is for you, to help you detach so you can act in your own best interests and focus on your health.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3868 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Hi Enes,

I'm sorry and also glad that you know to question WW.

Prior to X being outed, he signed us up for MC but he went or called first and filled the counselor's ears with lies about me and our life. So I spent the sessions-many and a lot of money-in defense of myself but not knowing why.

He also would not truly give up OW to "work" on the M, though once said he would and even wrote a NC letter-I'm not certain it was real, though, to this day.

He, too, can appear to have remorse or say he has remorse and he talks of guilt, but does not show it with actions...so I've come to think of it as a pity party, when the chips are down especially.

I'm sorry that you're having to go through this and just wanted to chime in and say that, like I said, I think you're right to question.

I finally did 180 and the harder I go, the more little messages I get, but now I don't feel the same. And I am wiser.

Yes, I agree with the posts that say to "be strong".

Do you think that things PA are over, or is it just noise and what she thinks that you and the MC may want to hear?


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2239 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
enesloaja
New Member
Member # 40799
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

I honestly don't know that it's over. My gut tells me its not and I'm going with that. I called her and let her know I was putting my foot down on NC and wanting the details. She said the MC suggested she do the "break-up" in person for closure?
Concerning the specifics of the A I want to know everything...I think. Can anybody give me some advice on how much info is too much? I want to know who, where, what and when. How many times etc. I'm going to see the MC alone before our appointment together to find out whats going on.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: new york
selkiescot
Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

NO! She writea a non contact letter. NO in person break up. I think both her and MC need a wake up call. Time for the 180? You betcha!
As far as info. YOU need to know what YOU need to know.This isn''t about her. You can ask for timeline. Or sit her down and ask specific quetions. If it helps write them down. Ask for copies of emails and texts. If it gives you closure ASK. She might fight you but stay firm. YOu are in a fight for your marriage. Also be prepared to see things that will crush you. This is about you.


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1394 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
selkiescot
Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

NO! She writea a non contact letter. NO in person break up. I think both her and MC need a wake up call. Time for the 180? You betcha!
As far as info. YOU need to know what YOU need to know.This isn''t about her. You can ask for timeline. Or sit her down and ask specific quetions. If it helps write them down. Ask for copies of emails and texts. If it gives you closure ASK. She might fight you but stay firm. YOu are in a fight for your marriage. Also be prepared to see things that will crush you. This is about you.


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1394 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
iwillNOT
Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Some things come to mind.

I doubt the MC actually said those things. I would verify that in person. I would bet your wife is the one who wants an in- person goodbye and is manipulating in order to get that.

Also, no, she doesn't HAVE to give you details of the A, or do anything else. Only if she wants to save your relationship.

She needs to do what YOU need for your healing; no one else can dictate what that is. Not even the MC.

No F'ing way to an in person breakup. NO! Letter or email, written and sent together by both of you. That way you know exactly what was said, and for sure that it was sent.

Does her AP have a spouse? Consider outing the A to them. Affairs thrive on secrecy, and the his BW has a right to know.

Regarding the information to ask your wife for about the affair - I think it is highly personal. I was very cautious, I think out of some inner sense of self preservation, and now 6 weeks after Dday I am very glad of it. I asked when, where, how many times, who else knew, did he buy her gifts/take her places. I did not want to know sexual details, what they did, how was it etc. I felt that it would only hurt me and I would never get it out of my head. Of course my biggest question was, and remains, why? How could he do it? Hopefully he can figure that out in IC, and your wife also.

(((enesloaja)))

Good luck, keep us posted.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

The MC told her that she does not need to give me all the details of the A

When I read this I thought Hummmm...I think your WW is lying.

She said the MC suggested she do the "break-up" in person for closure?

LOL!!! Now I know she is lying.

Does she think you just fell off the turnip truck?!?

Don't fall for that bullshit!!

She has no remorse. Just regret for being found out. And now she wants to play games and lie.

Its time for the 180 for longer than 2 or 3 days. Ditch her. Cut off her phone. Stop handing her cash. And please (if there is one) let the OM BW or BGF know about their nasty trysts.

This is serious business. Tell her to cut the crap or hit the road.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
soconfusednow
Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, September 27th (Friday)

She said the MC suggested she do the "break-up" in person for closure?

I wish I could have seen this happen, in a public place, with me so close I could see & hear everything, without the OW knowing who I was.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, September 27th (Friday)

Hello brother, sorry to see you here but you have gotten great advice so far . I do not wish this on anyone because believe me I know the pain. But it is here for you now! You sound real intelligent so deep down inside I think you know the truth and what has to be done , just like I did. She is showing all the signs of other cheating spouses! All. Lying, manipulating , I would check bank accounts and things of that nature too. I am sure by now you realize that she is not the wife you married! The whole MC thing is bullcrap. My stbxww did the exact same thing.you said you saw a lawyer already , file. Go through with it , you can always stop it. It is a long process and maybe it will wake her up! I know you don't want this or divorce, nobody here does but we and you did not ask for or cause this . Do the 180 , show no weakness, stay strong on your needs and demands for healing and forget her for now. Focus on you , gym, yoga, golf, whatever it is you do. But stay strong to force her to play that hand . I know this is easier said than done because I still fall after 6 months of D day and in middle of divorce as she has a full time boyfriend. So I know how hard it is and just know you are not alone brother we are here for you and with you. All the best to you but I think in your gut you know the truth and what you have to do ! Now connect the gut to the brain!


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 662 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Broken1Again
Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, September 27th (Friday)

I've been sitting here for the last 10 minutes trying to come to a logical conclusion as to why the MC would say those things. Your WS knows you're going to see the MC so she knows you're going to find out the truth so one of two things is going on from a logical standpoint:

1) Your wife has now become what most AP become, pathological liars. She is lying to get what she wants and doesn't care that you will find out what the MC says. She will cross that bridge when she gets there.

OR

2) the MC is in an A herself/himself and is projecting what she would want on to your WS. There is NO WAY in heck any MC worth their salt would suggest to someone that they "break" up in person?? Really, that's a recipe for disaster. "Oh let's have break up sex". Come on...Who is this MC??? Fire them immediately if it turns out they said all of this, because chances are pretty high they aren't going from the book of reason. They are going by the book of their own deception.

You should read the book "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass and your spouse should too and maybe the MC should too.

[This message edited by Broken1Again at 11:41 AM, September 27th (Friday)]


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 881 | Registered: May 2011
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, September 27th (Friday)

You need another MC.

NC means NC - PERIOD !!!
NO in-person contact with the OM.

Maybe filing for D or at least have the papers drawn up may Wake your WW up.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 12:18 PM, September 27th (Friday)]


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 469 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, September 27th (Friday)

fWH "tried" to break-up with OW for 7 months before d-day. Every single time he "ended" it, she wanted one last time and they f@cked. This would have gone on forever. It stops with NC and tons of behavior modification for the WS.

Either your MC is bat-shit crazy, or WW is lying.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, September 27th (Friday)

Welcome. Great advice so far, and I have to say you are doing a fabulous job on staying stong, and navigating this shitstorm.

Ok so we assume that your W is lying because well we know she is a liar. We can also assume that the MC would not have said those things. I'm just curious what your response was when she said they had to end it/break up/agree to NC in person. Did you call her out on it?
I would personally demand that if it's done face to face you get to be there.

She doesn't get it, and has had no lasting consquences. Time to give her the requirements for you to consider R'ing with a deadline, in the meantime move forward with filing. Some WS's don't get it until it is very real that the BS will be able to move on, and be fine without them, and some WS's never get it. But you as the BS deserve more. You shouldn't be an option or a choice, she puts on the show, and says the right things, but so far her actions say quite the opposite.

I have to admit I actually Ha'd out loud when I read she told you the MC recommends an in person "breakup" . What a bunch of bullshit. I got the closure meeting thing too, of course mine was done behind my back, and after the NC letter was sent.

The WS is a delusional, fool. All WS's while in the A are Delusional fools, and they honestly believe we are all just too dumb to get it.

You are doing well. Keep posting, keep reading. Welcome.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8592 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, September 27th (Friday)

She said the MC suggested she do the "break-up" in person for closure?

OK. If you can be there! I cry foul!


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, September 27th (Friday)

She says that once we R she will agree to NC

Wow - nothing like her openly admitting she has a back-up plan.

As for what the MC said (or didn't), it is entirely possible that your MC said one thing and your WW twisted the words so much to meet her needs. She might actually believe in her twisted mind that is really what the MC actually said.

It will be interesting to see what the MC says when you ask for clarification on those things.

I am sorry you are here. If she was really R, she would meet all your requirements. She is laying down her compromising like she gets a say. Sorry - NOPE.

Edited...there is no reason she needs to end it in person. Again, that is only about her wants/needs.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 1:47 PM, September 27th (Friday)]


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2128 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
enesloaja
New Member
Member # 40799
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

So just an update on my situation.
She has initiated the NC with the OP Sunday. She did it in person and I guess it is what it is...
We had our first MC appointment on Tuesday which consisted of her trashing me for the entire hour. I owned up to what fit and stood up for what I didn't think fit.
We are going to MC twice per week to try to determine a direction. She stated in the appointment that she isn't yet committed to R.
She will not determine a timeline for our separation and is trying to keep me on a very short leash.
I feel like I am in a very good place with myself and and starting to feel somewhat normal again. I feel like it is really getting to her.
We had dinner out last night as a "family". I am currently homeless and have been staying with my parents, house sitting for my brother this week and my sister this weekend. When I told her I was staying at my sister's for the weekend, during last night's dinner, she became very upset and ruined the dinner. I feel like she wants me to suffer and is making every attempt to ruin what time we spend together. I told her I want to get my own place, closer to work, in a different town maybe 30 minutes away from her. She was upset by this too. She wants me to get a place close to her and doesn't want me to have to buy furniture and things that would be needed for my own place? She says I am liking my new found freedom too much and setting myself up for a new future by myself.
I cannot figure out what the hell she wants from me!
She says moving back in together now would be a disaster.
I have stopped calling her and texting her and only reply to her contacting me.
We also have a dinner date setup for tomorrow night, just the two of us.
She has the mentality that anytime we spend together is uncomfortable.
I want to thank everyone of this forum for all of their input, this is a great resource.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: new york
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

This yo-yo shit has to stop, friend.

Cancel dinner. 180 your ass off. NC. Start D proceedings. Close the bakery.

Reading your last post made MY head spin; I can only imagine what it is doing to you.

Sending you strength...


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5058 | Registered: May 2007
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

I totaly agree with Lalagirl.

Do the 180, HARD.
Lawyer up.

You are NOT the fall back plan.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 469 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

This...
She wants me to get a place close to her and doesn''t want me to have to buy furniture and things that would be needed for my own place? She says I am liking my new found freedom too much and setting myself up for a new future by myself.
...completely contradicts this...
She says moving back in together now would be a disaster....She has the mentality that anytime we spend together is uncomfortable.
So it''s no wonder you''re feeling like this...
I cannot figure out what the hell she wants from me!

Get your own place.
Get into IC.
Stone cold 180.
I would even suggest canceling the dinner date. She''s clearly not emotionally open to it at all. It seems to be more about keeping you in a holding pattern as her backup plan and avoiding any true consequences of her actions.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3868 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

I know my post seems harsh - it was not meant to be, but I wanted to be brief but to the point without a bunch of explantions...but I did want to expand on a couple of things I said.

Filing for D does NOT mean you have to D. It often serves as a head-from-ass removal tool for the WS.

The 180 is for YOU...not to "make her change" or "nice her back" - it's for your own sanity.

And NC - this is very important while you are feeling vulnerable and she is playing this game with you. If you do not engage, it's game over.

I am so very sorry you are going through this...there is a member who is going through a very similar sitch (and he's a guy) and has gone through/is going through hell and back...but he has come a very long way with regard to dealing with his WW and I hope he chimes in to lend you some "guy perspective."


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5058 | Registered: May 2007
LifeisCrazy
Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Wow - I guess I'm just as floored as the previous posters.

Who is calling the shots here? Her? And you're letting her because.... why?

Why are YOU not living in your house? Tell her to get the fuck out - and if she doesn't want to leave then let her know that you'll file for divorce tomorrow.

My biggest regret is not having had the balls to stand up for myself following Dday. I should have demanded what I needed - and if she couldn't or wouldn't follow through, then so be it.

Truth be told, I was so paralyzed by the fear of her leaving and going to the other guy that I couldn't do what I should have. That's because I hadn't yet discovered this site and learned this incredibly powerful lesson:

If she leaves - there's nothing you can do about it. She has already left.

Read that over again and let it sink in.

You kneed to show her that you're not a doormat just waiting for her to decide what she wants. You are her husband - not some teenage boyfriend. You will not be treated like a two-bit chump waiting to see if sweetie-pie wants to hang around.

Knock her ass off the fence and demand what you require.

You will be so much happier knowing that you stood up for yourself.


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2013
enesloaja
New Member
Member # 40799
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Well, you guys are consistent I will give you that.
So I text her and tell her I think we should put off dinner until she decides what she wants from this.
She did not like that.
She called me immediately and says, "we need to spend time together. I want to have dinner to help us rekindle the spark".
As a side note, one of her last "dates" with the OM was Sushi, which was always our thing. That's what she wanted to do on our upcoming date!
She admitted that she is having trouble communicating it to me but that she is in NC, MC, checking in with me and wanting one on one time because she IS committed. She says she told the counselor and I that she wasn't committed to R because she can't predict the future...she obviously doesn't understand the difference between reconciling and being reconciled. I don't think she understands the process.
FWIW I would have kicked her ass out but she bought the house prior to our marriage. It's severely underwater anyway. But yeah, I was betrayed and put myself on the street to preserve my sanity.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: new york
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

She did not like that.

I'll bet. Game over. See?


put off dinner until she decides what she wants from this

No...until you decide what YOU want, she pulls her head from her rear and does the work required for real R.


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5058 | Registered: May 2007
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Selfish and self-entitled; maybe narcissistic to boot. The only reality is hers.

I would get my own apartment precisely where you want it to be; she has given up her right to define where you live.

Since she is now living on her own are you sure the OM isn't popping around from time to time? Or she isn't playing around with some guy?


Posts: 1716 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Calabro
Member
Member # 8809
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

What I don't understand why you let her dictate the terms. She says that once we R she will agree to NC. Now she got balls. All these happening because you ARE allowing. You are not in the hose. Stop all contact except for kids issues (if you have any). No date nights no MC until her affair time line, proof of her affair is over. What she is willing to do the recovery. As long as OM in the picture all these dates and MC sessions is a waist of YOUR time.


NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT

Posts: 65 | Registered: Nov 2005
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 3:48 AM, October 4th (Friday)

All this is very new to both of you.

The counselor is right, assuming they said this, she does not need to give you all the details of the affair if either of the following apply:

1. You don't want the details.
2. She doesn't want to give you the details, despite your wanting them, and is willing to go to divorce over it.

Just keep this in mind. My wife, kind, loving, gentle, never wanted to hurt a soul. Lied to me in MC for months, lied to our counselor, lied about me, lied about our marriage, lied, lied, lied, and lied and gaslighted. It took her 9 years and 2 months after her affair, and 6 months of MC, to come clean and tell the truth. It happened like a sudden avalanche of remorse.

Your wife is not remorseful yet. She may never be. But, it is to early to tell.

You've come to the right place for advice though.

As for this

She says that once we R she will agree to NC!

She is still having an affair, who cares if sex is involved, it is still an active affair.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 993 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
enesloaja
New Member
Member # 40799
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, October 14th (Monday)

So, its been nothing but downhill for me. I let her know I was getting a place moving on and not looking back until she was ready for fully committing to R.
She immediately asked me to move back in and that we would both give it all we got for a couple months to see if we can make it work.
Of course I fell for it. Moved back in and tried to do everything I could to make it work. She on the other hand did not. She kept up to NC but that was it. No talking, no feelings nothing. Then I "overheard" her talking to one of her friends about her plan. She had been to a divorce lawyer that day and was going to start the paperwork. She told her friend she was waiting for things to calm down between us and get to a point where she was ready to tell me were getting divorced. She didnt want it to be a nasty divorce and wanted to act like she tried and hope I would accept that and not drag her through hell in the courts, where I have the upper hand.
In the meantime she is back with the OM and I can only assume that is in full bloom.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: new york
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, October 14th (Monday)

(((enesloaja)))

So sorry to hear this. I hope you moved out and are now doing the 180. This with the only contact being about the children. Did you do any of this yet. Get the ball rolling with an attorney and tell her you are dragging her ass through the courts. I absolutely hate to hear that she is treating you this way. YOU DESERVE BETTER.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, October 14th (Monday)

I guess I contradicted myself don't tell her that you are dragging her ass through the courts. She will figure it out when she gets served.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
enesloaja
New Member
Member # 40799
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, October 14th (Monday)

I don't really want to go through a messy divorce either. We discussed a peaceful mediation. We have a 3 yo daughter that is my world and I believe that I can get what I want in mediation as I have many things to hold over her head.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: new york
Uhtred
Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, October 14th (Monday)

Man I'm sorry to see you've had to make your way here. With that being said you came to the right place for advice. Unfortunately I'm still too close to my own DDay to offer anything but support for you. It's all very confusing but hang in there man. Your not alone in this as you can see we are all here too facing the same uphill battle. All the best to you.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 605 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, October 14th (Monday)

I don't really want to go through a messy divorce either. We discussed a peaceful mediation. We have a 3 yo daughter that is my world and I believe that I can get what I want in mediation as I have many things to hold over her head.

I totally understand this, I guess what I mean by what I say is not to give her the satisfaction of knowing how things are going to turn out. Right now it seems that she just wants to be in control of every aspect. It wouldn't hurt to throw her a little off balance. Also, it may wake her up as to what she is doing to you. Right now she is worried about what you might do to her, as far as, positions and such.

I think that you are a good person to think about your child in all this and I would never advise otherwise.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
ineedpeace
New Member
Member # 40980
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, October 14th (Monday)

It sounds like she has an emotional connection she doesn't wish to cut ties with even if she has stopped the sexual side (that's a big IF). Either way it's unfair to you. You should take precedence and your relationship should be no. 1 to her. Do not be passive. I've made that mistake before out of fear and I just got my heart trampled even more because of it. State your expectations, if she doesn't agree to them - you have a choice to make. It will be hard either way. But a no contact order should be the first thing she agrees to and abides by it.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Oct 2013
silentheart
Member
Member # 40903
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, October 14th (Monday)

I agree with everyone else! The in-person break-up is flat out ridiculous and absurd. No one in their right mind would actually offer that advice. This isn't about HER getting what SHE wants or needs. I'm very sorry for what you are going through and you came to the right place for support and wisdom.


Me: BW, 37
Him: SO, 37
No children
Committed relationship 13 years
Dday: July, 2012

Posts: 51 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 41