User Topic: Trading Up? Self-esteem killer
Member # 40332
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

You know how it's often said that WH will "affair down" with their AP? What about when they affair up?

My WH cheated with escorts. And not just any escorts but 2 of the most expensive/premiere ones in town. The unfortunate thing about escort cheating is that you can see what they look like and find out everything about their services. These two women are beautiful, younger, skinnier, sexier - you name it, they are it. And the complete opposite of me in looks (and coincidentally, my husband's type - I fall into the "oh yeah" category. You know when you are in MC and he talks about his type and he describes a women opposite of me and then says "oh yeah, and ones that look like you"). So I really feel like my WH affaired up (well, other than the hooker thing).

So the question I have is how do you deal with the situation when you are the lesser choice? How do you cope when you know that you are not what he wants physically? I get that there was no emotion or intellectual exchange going on in his cheating so perhaps I can feel a little better that I can probably out-debate these women. But I'm dying here with the blows to my self-esteem.

WS are welcome to comment. I'm struggling with this so much, when I know that he looks at me and sees his second "oh yeah" choice.

Me: BS
Him: WH
Dday: Jan 4, 2013

Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

It's a struggle for sure. Mine didnt actually choose someone more attractive than me - he would have taken anyone desperate enough. Yours is not much different I would guess. A woman of value doesn't sell her body for sex. PERIOD. Mine chose a shorter, heavier woman who had a voice like a man and looked like a pug. Now heavier women mke me feel "less than". I am not even thin - pretty average - maybe on the small side of average but NOT skinny. It's an issue we have to work hard on. I am just learning my worth as a woman isn't related to his delusional choices.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

I wish I could help...but I think I would also be completely defeated.

I suppose technically I also affaired up. My ONS with XH was physically more socially handsome then XH. It was not why I ONS with AP, it was the convience.

My first thought was that he went to these escorts because they were easy, readily avalible, and they would stroke his ego without any work on his end. Escorts are not going to be unattractive, so it could be just the nature of his choice of AP's that resulted in their 'up'ness rather then 'down'ness.

If you really look at it, while these women may look good, they are at the very basic level prostitutes. They can lie to themselves and say that what they do is different, but that's really all they are.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 40332
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Oh I know - a hooker is a hooker, no matter what she calls herself. It's not these women I struggle with. It's the choice my WH made - he choose someone way more beautiful, younger, sexier than me. I can't compete with that (and I know, I can compete with a hooker, I can't compete with the package that he chose).

Me: BS
Him: WH
Dday: Jan 4, 2013

Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

So, if you werent his type; you were "meh" to him, why did he date you and marry you?

Lets take YOU out of the picture, because this crap is never about the bs, though we internalise it to be about us.

These females are gorgeous and he admits with delight, his type? But he has to PAY to be with 'his type'. Hmmm....So, his type will not acknowledge him unless his putting up serious Benjamins?
Your h has some issues.

Your h did NOT affair up. A prostitute is a prostitute no matter what she is charging. Would you truly compare yourself to a hooker? I hope not

And again pointing out your wh had to PAY for his type. That doesnt say much for him.

Hon, dont take to heart that he has a type. I know a man who's preference is different than his wife, but his wife rocks his world.

Wh is just a jerk.

[This message edited by sullymeishadomi at 3:43 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]

People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not ....will be divorcing the selfish creep.

Posts: 8385 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Oh honey. I get it. Everyone says all WSs affair down bc their AP was a cheater and a liar.... But OW1 and OW3 didn't know he was married. And OW3 is as pretty as me, but with a better body. (Not at the time, but me presently / on average in our M.)

But.... Honey these girls were escorts. They are not more than you. They sell their bodies because they cannot do honest work. They have no idea what real intimacy is. And when they're in later years, what on earth will they do? No resume, no references, no skills. They are much, much less than you.


Eta - cross posted! I'm on my phone so I'm slow.

You know what -- you are beautiful in a different way than those girls. Every one of us is. If your WH wasn't attracted to you I can't imagine you ever would have dated, let alone married. Not everyone likes a hypersexualized, porn star appearance.

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 3:34 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]


Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

He traded down - way down. He traded for HOOKERS. He is paying for sex. They don't even like him and everything they do with him is pretend. How much lower can he go? You are better than that and deserve better than him. Believe it or not, there are a lot of men out there who want a real relationship with a real woman.

Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 576 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Oh I know - a hooker is a hooker, no matter what she calls herself. It's not these women I struggle with. It's the choice my WH made.

That, actually, is your answer right there. Your husband's choice. That's actually the thing you have to deal with. Your husband was capable of making this choice...and then made this choice.

It honestly has nothing to do with up down or sideways. It's the fact you're married to a cheater.

If he chose to shoot up would there be the same self-esteem blow? It is the same type of thought process, though.

I think infidelity is so fucking hard for some because it involves a person. A person is something that can be compared. A drug, a hobby, work, gambling, drinking not so much.

He needs to fix the parts that green lighted and even considered that option a viable choice. How's his impulse control in other areas?

Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth

Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Member # 40538
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, September 26th (Thursday)


Unless you are cheated on it is really hard to understand how devastating it is to a woman. My husband went after his first GF, to some she would be considered a step up (she certainly thought of herself as more attractive than me b/c when I first talked to her she said "don't be jealous of me." She has blonde hair, fake boobs, she's anorexic, fake eyelashes, and has a real tan that she has been baking on her skin since she was 14 (she is now 55).

So by some men's definitions, he did a step up. I on the other hand have long blonde hair, AM attractive, I'm approximately 10 lbs. overweight (so I still look good/hot at 54), and I have REAL boobs larger than her fake ones. I questioned my husband, this is what you want? He denies it, but he did screw her six times. He also had an emotional relationship with her (yes it is clear was based on fantasy mixed with their truth) and was a very sick relationship ... if you would call it that.

My point, I would rather my husband had slept with a hooker. Women that sell their bodies have the LOWEST self-esteem and puts on an act. Do you think they liked him touching them.. NOPE! Your WH really sounds clueless to me. Men have their "fantasy" ladies in their heads, women who are airbrushed in playboy magazines, the perfect woman. There is NO such thing. Yes we all come in different sizes and packages, but what it's really about is love and the connection you get when two bodies come together.

Our husbands lost sight of that and sounds like he may need some therapy. Don't ever second-guess yourself like that! I know it's easy for us to go there, but it's not going to help you one bit get healed from this betrayal. Focus on what you can do for yourself to make YOU feel better about yourself. You can't change what God gave you, but you can take care of yourself and love yourself and be "okay" with WHO you are. What your BH did was selfish, egocentric, and it was hurtful to you in so many ways. Don't let this defeat you and make you think differently of yourself.


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13 (stopped counting tt still coming in)
Married 17 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starti

Posts: 166 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

((HUGS)) I'm sorry.

We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6809 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

I would rather my husband had slept with a hooker.

I'm not trying to pick on you and I definitely don't want to start the Who's Got It Worse Pain Olympics, but having your husband sleep with a hooker is a special brand of embarrassingly shitty all its own. It's such a low thing to do that people crack jokes about it, and lo and behold your lawfully wedded spouse actually DOES it - actually goes there - yes, all kinds of infidelity suck ass.

We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6809 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Have you considered that this escort is pure fantasy? It's not like he's having a real relationship with these people. The only reason it works is because it's fantasy...once they had the responsibilities of real life - meeting expectations and needs, paying bills, etc. that would end the attraction INSTANTLY. I don't call that affairing up at all. Not to mention that these women are fucked up in their heads in the first place to be escorts or having an affair with a married man. Our spouses' affairs have NOTHING to do with our physical appearance. Not our weight, not our appearance, not our hair color or style, not about our grooming or makeup...they are having affairs because there is something screwed up in their core being. This happened LONG before the two of you ever got together. It has nothing to do with us. Believe it.

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

A spouse cannot, by definition, affair up.

Affairs are about brokenness, lying, deception, destruction and ugliness in its deepest form. How can that possibly be "up."

So his affair partners of choice are "more attractive" than you. Well, I submit that it is their JOB to be that way. It's like being jealous of Jennifer Aniston's body. She does yoga two hours a day because it is her JOB to look like that. What's your job? Raising your children? Bringing home a paycheck?

So his hookers won some kind of genetic lottery in the looks department. Do you think they can compete with you in ANY WAY in the life department? Do you think they love themselves? Do you think they have pride in what they do? Do you think they go home at Christmas and talk about their work with their dad? If your spouse had cheated with a $2 street walker you would feel exactly the same, but the opposite. You would be saying, "wait, he threw away everything for THAT!"

Appearance of the affair partner is irrelevant. It really is. The fact is, like Uncertainone said, your husband cheated. Doesn't matter if it with someone gorgeous or someone ugly. He cheated with someone available. WHY he chose to walk this path of ugliness and destruction is where you need to shift your focus.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

I don't think there is any such thing as trading up. As faithful, loving, loyal spouses we are so so so so much more beautiful than ANY AP could be. Outside beauty will fade - those hookers will get old and fat and won't have anything left while we will have our own beauty - both inside and out - for the rest of our lives.


And yes, my H's OW had a better body then me and I'm a size 2!!!! It just doesn't matter.

Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".

Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Well, affair down means a lot of things, not just looks. I think the main idea about affairing down is that they are in love (or think they are) with a woman who has such low morals and ethics, is so broken, that she settles for another woman's husband. That is ALWAYS a step down.

Now escorts or prostitutes are a different matter. They are allowing your husband to play out his fantasies for money. I doubt any of them would make a great wife.
You husband wants a wife, he wants the security of family, he wants a woman that acts like a wife and shares the burdens of life with him, but he also wants to have this little fantasy world. A step out of reality. He could probably not attract these women in real life, so he pays for the fantasy. That is very sad, really.

He will have to be willing to give that up if he is to keep you. He has to decide. If he wants you, then he has to commit to you.

Don't put yourself down for not looking like these women. They spend a lot of time and money on looking like that. They are just as broken as the married other woman. So, he STILL affaired down. A plastic doll is not a wife, someone who will care for him when he is sick, will stay with him in tough times.

You are infinately better than them. They are not real people. Hugs.

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Let me also say this; have you seen these women IRL? Because I live very near legal prostitution and I have seen these girls, who are famous due to certain TV show, live and in person many times. And dressed "professionally" in a professional setting. Let me tell you; it ain't pretty.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 40332
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Do you ever have the fight between your logical intelligent side of your brain and the emotional freaking out side?

I agree completely with everything everyone has said. It would be the same advice I would give someone else in my situation. I a smart person and understand all this about fantasy and his problem and they are whores etc etc etc

My heart, and the emotional crazy side of my brain, is shattered. I can't wrap my head around this at all. The pain of "why wasn't I good enough to be the fantasy" is excrutiating. It's not about that they were hookers. It's that when push came to shove, and he had a choice to make, his choice and fantasy was something completely different than me.

JanaGreen - thanks. All cheating is horrible. Cheating with escorts is just different, not more painful, not less, just different but the same, all at the same time. Clear as mud?

Me: BS
Him: WH
Dday: Jan 4, 2013

Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

his choice and fantasy was something completely different than me.

Mmmm hmmm.

I remember asking my husband, over and over, when you were on the phone with the escort service, what kind of girl did you ask them to send over? Sure that whatever he asked for would be whatever I'm not. Blonde, big boobs, etc.

Unfortunately he was way too drunk at the time to remember what he actually said.

And - ((HUGS)) - it will get better. I promise. ((HUGS))

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 4:35 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]

We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6809 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

"why wasn't I good enough to be the fantasy

Why wasn't he good enough to be faithful to you?

I think most of us went through this mental battle. You'll come out of it and KNOW it isn't you.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Absolutely, my logical, intelligent brain competes with my emotional, sometimes irrational brain. I have also struggled with the age and how these escorts must have looked...I mean, he picked them out by looking at their websites . They must have been SO much younger than me. But one thing that helps me is I now have the whole package, the husband who loves me,who holds my hand and hugs me at night, who wants to be with me, the family and great kids, vacations, a future...what do they have? Really, what do they have? Nothing. Maybe a couple other prostitute friends? Who would want to marry them? What will they do once they are a little older? And what rebreather said-they can't go home on holidays and share with their family what they do for a living. You are so much better than them. The focus does need to be on his 'why' and rebuilding a new marriage.
But I totally understand.

Me-BS 51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.

Posts: 615 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 39502
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

I guess, in a way, that I'm lucky (?). When looking up WH's escorts, most of them are not that attractive. However, mine was broken enough that he didn't really even try for the best looking younger ones. He lacked the confidence. There is one that he tried to hook up with that is hot, even imo, and she stood him up or something. I've read her reviews - I guess she has done that to a lot of guys. A couple of them were attractive enough, imo, and fortunately (?) for me, he tended to choose ones that were a little chunky like me so he stayed true to type for the most part.

But I totally get it anyway. You can't help but compare. You just do. And you feel like the second choice no matter what. Because you were at the time. That's really the bottom line. Despite your qualities and looks and brains and whatever else you've got going on, and I have no doubt you've got your own qualities like I do, our H's chose someone else at the time. Sure, it's his poor decision. It still hurts. Even when they come out of the fog and say what was I thinking? It doesn't go away. I can't imagine that I will ever stop comparing.

I was looking at some of them on the internet the other day, the new ones I just found out about. The pictures that they post are so laughable sometimes. I saw one with her dirty laundry basket sitting in the open closet behind her. What a selling point! A lot of them take the pictures themselves in their bathroom mirrors and you can see their scuzzy soap bars and their toilet paper, etc. Guess that "staging" is not their forte. But then again, guess the men don't even notice when they're surfing T&A.

Me - 49 (BS)
Him - 51 (WH with "8 or 9" prostitutes)
Married 30 years, give or take a few weeks here and there
D-Day - May 4, 2013
Discovered an EA going on since 2010 around that time, too. NC in place now.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Oh I know - a hooker is a hooker, no matter what she calls herself. It's not these women I struggle with. It's the choice my WH made - he choose someone way more beautiful, younger, sexier than me. I can't compete with that (and I know, I can compete with a hooker, I can't compete with the package that he chose).

I'd imagine if you were paying for sex, you wouldn't pick the oldest, ugliest, most repugnant whore. And I'd also guess that if he were the sort to go for the "Hookers at the Point" kind, that would indicate an additional set of problems.

Like others have said, just by virtue of these women being prostitutes, there is something intrinsically wrong with them. Factor in that in the RW, these women prolly wouldn't have anything to do w/your H.


What's the old saw? Men pay for whores not for the sex, but for them to go away afterward.

Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 764 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

His cheating has nothing to do with the hooker, her looks or you and your looks. It has everything to do with HIM and his immaturity, lack of self esteem and lack of morals.

It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)

Posts: 8032 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Member # 40332
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Thanks for all the advice. I hate that this has happened to me and to the rest of you. In the meantime, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and eventually, I'll make it to the finish line!

Me: BS
Him: WH
Dday: Jan 4, 2013

Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

I believe we all struggle with this at least a little. Unless maybe the AP is 200 pounds over weight. has just 1 eye in the center of their forehead. has rotting teeth. and has the personality of a stone. Even then we would wonder why they chose that instead of us.

The truth as I see it is that at least for a time we certainly were number 2. And maybe the LTA ended such that we stay at number 2 or plan b. If this is true I doubt any WS would ever tell the truth of it to their BS.

All we can do is go on. For awhile at least the AP won. Our WS had the time of their life and when the real world came crashing down some of them came back to us. We will never know the truth about this because we can not see into their mind and our WS have no good reason to tell the truth (quite the opposite in fact).

For me. I just went on with my life. I do as I choose and live as I choose. If WW wants to come along fine. If not also fine.

Honestly I have frequently thought that the perfect revenge on them both would have been for them to end up together.

Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

After my SAWH's OW dropped him, he acted out and paid for a local prostitute. Then, while on an out-of-town business trip, he paid for two escorts (one at a time). I don't know what they looked like (although now that I know you can find out, I'm VERY curious), but I can tell you that they aren't doing this out of love or desire; they're doing this for money.

Funny story--because it's the only thing about this whole sordid affair that's funny. My husband was having ED problems during this "escort" stage. He was having a hard time getting it up with one of them, so the condom didn't stay on (or broke or something--we've never used them, so they're not something I'm familiar with). Anyway, she volunteered to go get one out of her car--and NEVER came back!!!!

So I don't know if she was pretty or not, but I know she couldn't turn him on and I can safely assume he did nothing for her. Her! A paid escort! She wasn't even willing to have sex with him. That's not very nice of me, but it's probably one of the few not-nice things I've ever done. And it's probably the only real consequence he'll have to pay. So it's fair--especially since he and I both know that if the situation were reversed, the male escort would be considering himself lucky!

I can't imagine thinking that it was a "trade up" in any way, shape, or form. No matter what she actually looked like, she was giving up her freedom of choice in a sex partner for a fee. What kind of woman does that?

BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 460 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Back on the whole trading up thing. We are talking about hookers in this particular case, but we need not be.

Physical is only part of a marriage/relationship. It may be more or less important to some people, but it is only a part. I remember doing a tune up a long time ago while finishing college with no money. I put really good spark plugs in a K-car. Probably equal to the best spark plugs I ever owned. Bottom line, they were still in an old K-car, probably the worst car I ever owned.

Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.

Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
Member # 38399
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

The whores that my husband hired were some of the skankiest women I've ever seen. It upset me so much that he was willing to lose everything for a piece of trash, someone that I know he would never be caught dead in public with. My husband said it was because he didn't want to pay for the pretty ones. It was just about getting "off" almost like masturbating into a live blow up doll. So I guess what I'm saying is either way it would be upsetting. Either way it hurts.

And like previous posters said we are SO much better than them. I've been snooping on an escort forum just to see what they're like and man do they have sad existences. They worry about being outed to their families, about being raped and robbed. They wait around for the phone to ring worried that they won't be able to pay their bills that month. They complain about all the dirty disgusting men that they have to sleep with. Can you imagine living that life? We are better then them in every way.

[This message edited by 1devastedmom at 10:12 AM, September 27th (Friday)]

Me BS: 42
WH: 44
DDay- April 17, 2013
Married 22 years
3 children: 18, 15 & 9

Posts: 139 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: 1devastedmom
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

I understand how you feel regarding the whole "affair up" thing, even though I rationally know that you can't affair up.

The OW in my situation was a former Miss Hawaiian Tropic. She's gorgeous. And her modeling pictures are on the internet. She has a perfect body, dark skin, long brown hair. He definitely "affaired up" in the looks department.

And I recently read messages between him and his brother, where he told his brother that he slept with her and cheated on me because "she was hot." I re-read those messages several times a day, and it just hits me right in the center of my heart. I know he found her very physically attractive, and I don't feel like I can compare to that. I mean... he obviously chose to sleep with her while with me because "she was hot."

My IC told me to sit down and make a list of all of my good qualities that men would want in me. I resisted at first, because all I could see was that she was prettier than me. But I finally did it, and it helped. Sometimes just seeing your good qualities written on paper can help. Maybe try to do that.

30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

My WH cheated on me with me. The OW is literally my exact double except she smokes and is a brunette where I am a redhead. I showed her pic to my BFF and she was horrified at how exactly this woman looks like me, you would seriously think we had been twins separated at birth. It hit me hard let me tell you. I came here and posted and one reply said that even if she looked like me she was not me. I had class and dignity and self respect, she had none of these things, how could she and still spend time with a married man! No matter what we are always better than the affair person because of those characteristics!! Always remember that. ((( hugs))) to all.

[This message edited by emotionalgirl at 9:34 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]

1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 39707
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Funny now though not at the time and nothing to do with my WH right exH (who had no less than 10 APs within our first year of marriage)....I stayed married to him legally and kept going back trying to make it work for our son, good thing that kid is smarter than I gave him credit for (he is now 26 and a very well adjusted young man, score one for his mama!!)
Point is the exH married my twin (which he starting sleeping with while we were together), only 10 years younger (and I am 10 years younger than him)....and then he would complain to me how immature she was...ha ha ha!!! Bummer for you dude!!!
And to complete that karma, she divorced him, too.

Me: BS
Him: doesn't matter anymore...or does it...

Being very, very careful

D-day 14 June 2013

I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!

Posts: 168 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, September 27th (Friday)

I want to thank everyone for sharing. My self esteem took a huge hit in July when I found out the truth, how many years & many prostitutes/escorts. I KNOW this was not my fault but the emotional & irrational side keeps asking why me, what was the matter with me. Thank you for making me feel not alone.

Me-BS 51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.

Posts: 615 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, September 27th (Friday)

He didn't chose those whores... He paid for them. He went for the fantasy, and if he's saying these women are his type, than he's continuing to want the fantasy. He isn't distinguishing a difference. He paid for sex. Those women weren't women, they were purchases. Nothing more.

But for him to be in true R, he needs to understand this, and see the difference. His desires should be with you and only you. Please don't EVER compare yourself to some cheap, trashy, whore. You win every time, on ALL accounts!

No matter how much you dress up a piece of crap, it's still crap.

Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.

Posts: 455 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 33