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New Beginnings
User Topic: My ex H sent me flowers.
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, September 27th (Friday)

So, get back from running errands and see a huge delivery of flowers on my front porch.

From my exH wishing me a Happy Birthday, which is tomorrow.

For the life of me, I don't think I will ever understand men.

It was these kind of gestures that drew me into him. In the beginning, just very thoughtful, I always knew he wanted me. He "woo'd" the crap out of me. Obviously, it turned after a few years in the relationship...but...blarg. Confusing.

ETA...This was our "code". This is how he got me to go out with him. He sent me a dozen roses to my work so I had to call him to thank him. So, it was "code" for us for many, many years. I just don't get why he would do this. He still tells me he "loves me"...but I hate having triggers. Crap.

[This message edited by cmego at 4:28 PM, September 27th (Friday)]


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4100 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, September 27th (Friday)

Happy birthday!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3299 | Registered: Dec 2011
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, September 27th (Friday)

Happy Birthday!!!

Posts: 34459 | Registered: Mar 2011
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, September 27th (Friday)

Thanks guys, but I could really care less about my b-day. Going to have fun with family and friends...but not a big deal.

I just don't get why my ex feels the need to continue to "win" me. It feels manipulative. I don't mind being...pleasant...things go better. For his birthday, I let the kids pick out something. He did ask what I wanted, and I listed a lotion I like that he could take the kids to the store to buy.

But probably $100 worth of flowers? Come on....

How many others ex's here do this? He has a long term partner, who I found out ex asked him to marry him (still illegal here...) via Twitter. They are serious.

I'm sure 1)either his bf doesn't know or 2) the bf thinks it is so sweet that ex "takes care of me" but didn't bother to mention that is code for us.

Fuck. Just needed to vent. Not like I can post it on FB! "I have the best ex-H EVER!"

Mind fuckery.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4100 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
standingonmarble
Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, September 27th (Friday)

Send a lovely thank you note to the house, making sure the partner sees it.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, September 27th (Friday)

I think that is very inappropriate. My XH doesn't acknowledge my birthday. We are civil and get along great for the most part.

I have no advice what you should do though. I wouldn't tell him thank you because you don't appreciate his gesture. Can you give them back to him??

I hope you have a fun weekend.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4138 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, September 27th (Friday)

Ugh. FTG


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7509 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, September 27th (Friday)

Donate them to a nursing home.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13653 | Registered: Jul 2011
sheila0304
Member
Member # 25041
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, September 27th (Friday)

My exH sends me flowers for Mothers Day and my birthday, candy for Valentines. I believe he also wants others to see him as caring towards me. I don't care one way or the other.

Posts: 1171 | Registered: Aug 2009
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, September 27th (Friday)

My kids are excited that "Daddy sent flowers from all of us!"...he roped the kids into it. So, I can't get rid of them yet. Then my son, "Is Daddy coming to your party???"

No.

I look like the bitch to the kids now.

It is just frustrating.

My BFF said, "As messed up as it is...he will always love you." And she hates him.

Blech. I'll get over it, I just hate being reminded of the past.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4100 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, September 27th (Friday)

I found out ex asked him to marry him ...via Twitter. They are serious.


Via Twitter?
And that's serious?
Oh what a prize he is!


Well you know your ex so now at least you can't get strung along by a mere $100 worth of flowers. That poor BF might just get caught by a twitter proposal though.

Take good care of yourself and keep your focus on that.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5782 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Griefstricken25
Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, September 27th (Friday)

I found out ex asked him to marry him ...via Twitter. They are serious.


Via Twitter?
And that's serious?
Oh what a prize he is!

That's what I was thinking, too!

cmego, I'm sorry he put you into trigger-world. He's an ass.


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2504 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 3:01 AM, September 28th (Saturday)

Send a lovely thank you note to the house, making sure the partner sees it.

^^^THIS!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2713 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, September 28th (Saturday)

He''s still on the warpath to trying for your absolution. Poor thing. It must suck always having to live with yourself like that.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3045 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, September 28th (Saturday)

Since he involved the kids, I think you'd be within your rights to speak to him about this. I'd tell him that in the future he should just spend the money on the kids.

But you know what will and will not work with him. I'm sorry he made you feel icky on your birthday.

Happy Birthday--really enjoy your day!


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19963 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, September 28th (Saturday)

Make no mistake - he did this to make himself feel better. No different to the rest of them. Like the others he lied to himself as much as to yo.

Regardless of his sexuality he is a cheater. I don't think that is lost on you but I sometimes wonder if you wonder if he would have cheated if he was straight. That would be an insidious "what if?" to deal.

I think yes. Cheating isn't about sex. I'm sure this is more common than we know but I'm also sure there are men and women who have come out later in life who have not cheated.

Don't feel bad about the party - use it as a way to show your kids how people keep their boundaries. My girls have asked similar questions and I try to answer honestly in an age appropriate way. I've found if you don't fill in the blanks they fill them themselves.

Something like: No sweetie - Daddy doesn't come to my parties and I don't go to his because we are not friends like that. Just like I don't go to <insert teachers name or some other adult they see you interact with> parties.

As for the flowers - I couldn't stand looking at them. I'd be adding bleach to the water or something. Passive aggressive, I know but I don't know how you would be able to explain that without the kids feeling shit about a gift from them displeasing you.

Happy birthday friend. I've never loved my birthday but the last two have been different - more like celebrations of my rebirth.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5527 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, September 28th (Saturday)

I'm sorry cmego. He is either f*cking clueless or a manipulative sob. Maybe both. If my ex had a pot to piss in, this is something he would do too. Making sure I was thinking about him every time I looked at the damn things.

Crickets to him. "Thank you for the flowers kids, they are lovely."


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3063 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, September 29th (Sunday)

Well, I think he will forever be a person tying to make up for what he has done, and for that part, I feel sorry for him. What a sucky way to have to live your life. Always looking for atonement.

I think the issue, for me, is that his "over the top gestures" really mean nothing to him. I am more sensitive and look at the meaning, when, in reality, it means nothing to him except an attempt to get me to like him.

Once I realized that, I let it go and am now simply enjoying the beautiful flowers. It has been awhile since I received beautiful flowers.

I had a great birthday surrounded by friends and family. A wise SI friend told me to just take stock of my life and enjoy my day.

I did. I did my favorite birthday tradition, which was firing up my fire pit and roasting marshmallows, making s'mores. I sat with a drink in one hand, s'more in the other, listening to my friends and family chatting behind me...and a yard full of kids playing.

It was bliss. My now is good.

I do wish for a supportive healthy relationship, but if that doesn't happen, I am good. I am happy.

I could have an ex who is a complete asshole, instead I have one that sends me flowers and buys be gifts. I guess it could always be worse.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4100 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, September 29th (Sunday)

OH...and yes...he asked his bf to marry him via Twitter.

" first name, last name, will you marry me?"

Bothered me about a day, then I let it go.

When IN that relationship, that part of ex was good. He did everything we, on SI, discuss are the "clues" that someone is into us. We KNOW it. No guessing. That fucks with me sometimes, that I KNEW ex was into me, he pursued hard, lots of over the top gestures and surprises, told the world he was in love with me.

Just as he is now doing the same to his partner.

So, I have to pause and think about clues in a relationship. When I have to start guessing what a guy wants, then I'm pretty sure the relationship isn't stable. But, on the other hand, I had a relationship where I knew exactly what the guy wanted (me), and he then later cheated, lied, and turned out to be gay.



me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4100 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, September 29th (Sunday)

((((Cmego)))))
I can see how that is a giant mindfuck.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5782 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
fadedrainbow
Member
Member # 9280
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

My XH did similar things for the entire divorce year and for 3 years after until he got a girlfriend earlier this year. They do it out of guilt and in my case cannot let go completely, even though he divorced me. Those actions made NC very difficult indeed. Inner Light hit the nail on the head "a giant mind----"
Hope you had a great birthday!


me: FBW
D-Day May 2005
divorced December 2009


Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 21