It'll take a long time to figure out where you are. I thought I was doing well for a while. I was wrong. I no longer hold out hope for R. She told me, and this is a direct quote, "I have no intention of breaking it off with him." I have accepted the reality of the end of the marriage and I put on a brave face. "I'm fine. I don't want her back either. I'm moving on. I'm going to do great things. New beginnings." With the gift of a wonderful therapist I have realized that I've got work to do. Before I can move on I have to deal with a lot of real emotions I tried to ignore. I skipped the anger phase entirely. This week I've gone back and revisited my journey and guess what I found? A ton of anger. Fear. It has helped me let go of regret, which has been holding me back. I wasn't the perfect husband and I blamed myself for pushing her away. But I was a pretty damn good one. Pit her through college. Bought a house I didn't want because she loved it. Two, sometimes three vacations a year. Flowers just because. Little gifts. Support through multiple job losses. Yard work. Housework. Tolerated her idiot family. Put up s'more family members in our house for 16 months. She was broke, stoned and alone when we got together. She's damn lucky to have had me in her life. And she flushed it all.
Sorry, that felt good to type. Bottom line, you have to take it slow to process and understand each emotion and stage. You can't rush it.