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Just Found Out
User Topic: Not Again!!!
amylou224
New Member
Member # 40824
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, September 29th (Sunday)

I'm not really new here. I was here 5 years ago after finding out my husband had been cheating on my for a long time. We divorced, and I moved on. I met the sweetest man 3 years ago, and we married this past June. We had both been cheated on by our spouses. I was certain that because he had been through what I had, that it would work. Now here I am again. Due to my previous marriage, I have serious trust issues. I snooped on his phone. I know that I shouldn't have. I'm not making excuses for my snooping. I know it's wrong. Yet when I looked on his phone he had a deleted voice mail from a "Jen" and facebook messages from her asking him to meet for a drink. His response was "sure" for last Friday. He came home at his normal time though. I know I was very quite and distant with him for the week, and he was very loving (which actually isn't unusual for him). So I check his phone again today and find a message to "Jen" again saying "I can't do it. I didn't mean to lead you on. I want my marriage to work. No lying. No cheating." She responds "OK. The 3 of us should meet for dinner and drinks." First - Seriously?!?! What kind of woman says that after trying to cheat with a married man? Did she want to meet me to laugh at me that she was trying to get my husband to cheat on me? Does she think she's funny? Am I that stupid?!?!
Second - Ok - it sounds like he didn't actually cheat. But when he said, "No lying" didn't he realize that he was already lying to me? Anything that you keep from you spouse is lying!!! I never in a million years thought I'd have to worry about this with him. Not after what he went through with his first wife. He knows how it hurts.
How am I back here yet again? What am I doing wrong? I didn't jump into a relationship. I was two years divorced before I started dating. We dated 3 years before we married. I think it must just be me. I have been working so hard on me, on being a good person, a good wife. I've lost 110 pounds in the past 9 months to be a better, healthier me. Not just for me, but for my husband. Because I want a long life with him. I know I need to confront him about what I found. I just don't know if I'm strong enough right now. I just want to curl into a ball and sleep ... forget what a mess my life is again!!!
Sorry for the rambling. Thanks for reading!!!

Posts: 10 | Registered: Sep 2013
lostcovenants
Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

I'm so sorry Amylou - I'm to new to offer any advice but wanted to acknowledge your pain ((((Amylou))))


BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; Married OW, PA 2009-2011; sexting with same MOW 2012-2013. Broke it off about a week before I found out.

Update-Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me


Posts: 158 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
amylou224
New Member
Member # 40824
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

Thank you lostcovenants!

Posts: 10 | Registered: Sep 2013
Broken1Again
Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

Well, I kind of think this is good news. It's almost like setting up a test and he passed. Yes, he may have thought..."hmmm...she's cute, wife would never find out", but he told her no. This is such an important piece of advice/info right here...Remember it's not what you do when people are looking, it's what you do when no one is looking that speaks volumes about your character.

You weren't looking. He's not expecting you to find out about this "Jen" person, and he told her no. She was probably persisting and he said "No." MAN I would kill for my WS to tell one woman NO! He wouldn't know the word NO if the ugliest woman on the planet walked up to him and opened up her STD infested vagina and said "take me now". He'd say "OK".

I for one am proud of your WS. Maybe I'm stupid and don't know all the details, but I think this is a good thing.

ETA: No he shouldn't be texting her, but you don't know the entire background. She could have texted him out of a work necessity or something and somehow she swayed the conversation. Think about it. This dufus "Jen" is still wanting to be friends with him in the hopes of swaying him to her dark side. She's the chaser, and he's turned her down. "why don't the 3 of us get together??" Ummmm HELL NO is what I hope your spouse said. But he may have been more polite about it.

[This message edited by Broken1Again at 12:10 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 859 | Registered: May 2011
amylou224
New Member
Member # 40824
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

Broken1Again. Thank you! It helps to see it from someone else's perspective. All I could see it the lying. I am looking at it through the colored glasses from my ex-cheating spouse. He said no! I do need to remember that. I thank you for your response and I send you hugs for your journey!!

Posts: 10 | Registered: Sep 2013
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

(((amylou224)))

I am so sorry for your pain.
I also have been married twice & cheated on by both husbands, & have wondered if there is something wrong with me. I was told, maybe I am picking the wrong type, but with my present WH, I purposely picked someone who I was sure would never cheat. From the beginning of our relationship, he always presented himself as such an ethical person with such strong morals. As a child, he had watched what his mother's cheating had done to his father. I knew how important our family & 4 kids were to him. And yet, when a pretty young coworker "threw herself on him" during a very stressful time in our marriage, he went for it.

I hear you, that your husband is not being transparent about this OW has crossed the line for sure, but agree with Broken1Again:

It's almost like setting up a test and he passed

The # 1 thing I have learned in the past 2+ years is that communication is the most important thing. I think you need to confront your H & tell him that you know, & how you feel about it.
I am getting the feeling that you are embarassed to admit that you were snooping. Your trust issues need to come out in the open. He will have to be 100% transparent from now on.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1355 | Registered: Dec 2012
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

However, this doesn''t mean that you should not talk to him about this. This talk could actually be a very bonding agent for the two of you and a significant step forward. My FWH still has issues like this, where his mind will say "but she''ll never know," he''ll consider whatever it is, and then come tell me. And I praise him and acknowledge that he''s done a good thing.

For what it''s worth, in my situation, I would probably ask to talk to him at a specific time. I''d say, I took a look at your phone (and I do not consider spouses looking at each other''s phones, computers, etc, snooping) and I saw a message from Jen. Would you please tell me about it? And then I''d actively listen to what he had to say. Hopefully he would be open and transparent about what happened, that he had thought about going for a drink but didn''t, and had some sort of realization that this was crossing the line. And I would affirm that good choice. And then have a discussion about Jen, about the dangers of the "just friends" situations, and about hiding or not being open when these types of situations came up.

This has worked quite powerfully between FWH and I. The more open he is as to what his mindset is, what temptations there are, and who fully he communicates that to me so that we can act as a team, the closer we draw together. Of course, I do the same to him and help to model the behavior, if you will.

(((hugs))) I hope that this turns out to be a learning situation for the two of you that can draw you closer.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4719 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
amylou224
New Member
Member # 40824
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

I can't remember my old username unfortunately. I had to reregister to get back on. Sorry:-(
Mchercheur - you are absolutely correct. I am completely embarrassed that I snooped. And I'm afraid to confront him. I know I need to. I'm afraid of what he'll say I guess. It's almost like admitting that I snooped shows how broken I am. And yet on the flip side - I really thought he already knew I was broken.
Like you I purposefully looked at his past with how cheating affected him because I was sure he wouldn't because of it.
I am so sorry for your pain as well! Thank you for responding! Every message helps!!!

Posts: 10 | Registered: Sep 2013
amylou224
New Member
Member # 40824
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

Thank you Skan! Your response makes perfect sense. And thank you for sharing something that works for you and your FWH! Do you find you still have trust issues? Does that ever go away?

Posts: 10 | Registered: Sep 2013
amylou224
New Member
Member # 40824
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

Thank you Skan! Your response makes perfect sense. And thank you for sharing something that works for you and your FWH! Do you find you still have trust issues? Does that ever go away?

Posts: 10 | Registered: Sep 2013
amylou224
New Member
Member # 40824
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

Thank you Skan! Your response makes perfect sense. And thank you for sharing something that works for you and your FWH! Do you find you still have trust issues? Does that ever go away?

Posts: 10 | Registered: Sep 2013
amylou224
New Member
Member # 40824
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

Thank you Skan! Your response makes perfect sense. And thank you for sharing something that works for you and your FWH! Do you find you still have trust issues? Does that ever go away?

Posts: 10 | Registered: Sep 2013
cissi
Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

I doubt this is the case but keep your eyes open. There is always a chance that he knew you saw the message, or suspected because of your behavior lately, and the email he sent to her was a ruse. I doubt this is happening, but I just think it would be wise to stay on alert. Maybe not even confront him just yet.

I'm always such a downer!

[This message edited by cissi at 12:53 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1394 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
amylou224
New Member
Member # 40824
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

It's ok to be a "downer" as you called it. I appreciate any and all advice/comments cissi!

Posts: 10 | Registered: Sep 2013
amylou224
New Member
Member # 40824
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

It's ok to be a "downer" as you called it. I appreciate any and all advice/comments cissi!

Posts: 10 | Registered: Sep 2013
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

I agree with other posters here - your husband ultimately did the decent, moral thing by rejecting her advances. I think you should open up the ones of communication with him now. Something really positive can come out of it. I think that along with acknowledging that the secret correspondence between him and Jen was dishonest by virtue of its clandestine nature, your snooping/mistrust can arguably be construed the same way. The important thing to note is that he did the right thing and that, moving forward, honesty, openness, and transparency is essential.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Broken1Again
Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

Thank you for the hugs and well wishes! :)

I wanted to also add to my post here, that yes, I do think you should mention that you know about the messages, and maybe even tell him that you are proud of the way he handled it. (Don't accuse because you don't want him to feel on the defensive if there is nothing to be defensive about). Then sit and listen to what he says about it. Also let him know you aren't comfortable with a "friendship" (without saying HELLO NO!)

Also, it's ok to be a bit on alert watching your back regarding this woman. I don't think her intentions are good (obviously)so be proud of the way your spouse has handled it, but be aware of things if this woman persists. Keep all lines of communication open without making your spouse feel like he's on trial and hasn't done anything.


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 859 | Registered: May 2011
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

The important thing is for you and your husband to be a team, with a wall around you, looking out the window @ this woman Jen.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1355 | Registered: Dec 2012
cissi
Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, September 30th (Monday)

I'm going to be even more negative. Everyone keeps saying your husband did the right thing. I don't see it that way. His message to her said something like, "I didn't mean to lead you on." Okay. Clearly, at the minimum, his boundaries are not in check. He had to have some behavior to get to that point and that would be my worry. There should have never even been a follow-up response like the one he gave her. My concern would be, what happened to get to the point of that message to her?

If he can get to that point, he is not being faithful in his marriage. The fact that he pulled back when it got more involved is nothing to praise him for, in my opinion.

[This message edited by cissi at 11:32 AM, September 30th (Monday)]


Posts: 1394 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
NJdadof4
New Member
Member # 40817
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, September 30th (Monday)

It's possible that there is nothing to the invitation from a colleague to have a drink that should cause any alarm, but after having some time to think about it, he decided he'd rather be safe than sorry and cancelled before anything could start. I am a newly BS; I don't know your spouse or behaviors of his that could be worrisome, but follow your instincts. Your gut often knows better than your head or your heart. This could have been something that escalated, and he didn't want it to; it could have been something innocent he didn't want to have to explain. In any event, he said "no".

[This message edited by NJdadof4 at 12:26 PM, December 9th (Monday)]


I meant it when I said for richer and for poorer, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others until death do we part.

Me: BH, 46
Her: WW, 43
Married 2005
DD1: 8/18/2013
DD2: 11/22/2013


Posts: 32 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: NJ
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, September 30th (Monday)

Welcome Amylou -
I too have to say, I am not impressed with your spouse, and I am more concerned that you feel snooping is bad.

Those with nothing to hide, Hide NOTHING!!!!
He is your Husband, you have every right in the world to look at his phone, FB, and everything else, and if he gets pissy it's because he is hiding more.

You do need to confront him on this, and probably need to get some MC sessions scheduled. There are definitely some communication issues going on, and the sooner the two of you work through that the better off you will be.

He knows he was being bad, he knows he was crossing a line, but the question is WHY was he even considering it? Why did he put out that vibe?

You need to really put his feet to the fire on this one.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8222 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
avicarswife
Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, September 30th (Monday)

In a marriage there shouldn't be secrets. You should be able and comfortable looking at our spouse's texts and emails.

It does sound like your husband has done the right thing but I would absolutely talk to him about his. I would also suggest you get and both read the book "Not just friends", it will reinforce for both of you the EARLY warning signs.

Definitely tell him that "Jen" is not a friend of your marriage and any friendship/relationship with her is off the table.

[This message edited by avicarswife at 9:38 PM, September 30th (Monday)]


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 717 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
NoMorDeceit
Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, September 30th (Monday)

Sorry, I agree with the posters who are saying you need to confront and find out what is going on here? So he backed out THIS time? What about next time? He is attracted to other women, and has boundary issues. Yikes.

Whoa, the fact that he was contemtplating it, thinking about her, etc... This is a huge red flag. Do not ignore. This is not good. He should not be praised because he chose not to cheat physically. He should NEVER have been considering it AT ALL.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 493 | Registered: Apr 2009
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)

I have also had 2 WH's. It has nothing to do with our lack of picking skills. My WH#2 was a BS in his first marriage also. I thought in picking him that he would never cheat because he knew the pain it caused, but he had a LTA with an old girlfriend from before he met me.

You WH has crossed the line and stepped over the boundaries. Just the fact he was talking and texting her without telling you was a lie by ommission. If nothing else he was bordering on the start of an A and you need to address this immediately. He needs to tell you everything that he has done and you need to set boundaries for this marriage. I am glad that he told her No in his text, but he still crossed marital boundaries with his texting and flirting and unless it is addressed now he may not say NO the "next time". I know if I had of set better boundaries in my marriage to WH#2 that I might have made him think about it more before he allowed it to happen in the first place. Also getting him to read the book, "Not Just Friends" might be helpful. He needs to address why he felt the need to flirt with this person in the first place. What need is he trying to fill that he is not getting in the marriage?

Also looking at your spouse's phone, computer, e-mail, FB, etc... is NOT snooping and let him know he has access to yours anytime he feels the need. I hope that you get to this realization and confront him now. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 24