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User Topic: Not to step on anyones toes
SabbyKat
New Member
Member # 40800
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

Why do some of you torture yourself non stop with the details.You have dates posted everything.I Just want to forget this and move on.Not relive anniversary over and over

Posts: 32 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Michigan
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

I don't know if I would have had such a great interest in the details, if I hadn't been fed a boatload of lies.

I would think about the story I was told, go back and ask questions and get another load of half truths and half lies.

The more I was lied to, the more I analyzed, dug, cross-examined, etc.

Is it healthy? None of this is healthy.

Burying it alive isn't healthy and mining for pain isn't healthy. There is a wide spectrum to operate between those, and a wide range of BS and WS responses to all of this.

I guess somewhere aong the journey, I had the notion I could only forgive what I knew had occurred. And the notion that I wanted there to be NO secrets between my H and the troll. And how do we address and heal what we don't know about?

Lots of different responses....can't tell you if it was the best path, but it was mine. Seven years out I'm doing pretty well, an so is our M.

Do what you need to really heal. What you bury alive stays alive..... so don't stuff it prematurely. You will know if you are at peace or running from the truth. You will know.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3637 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

For me, it's more to provide perspective for people reading my posts here on SI. It lets them know that I am divorced, how long I've been divorced, how long after DDay I got divorced, that I have kids, etc.

I'm not too focused on actual dates. I discovered my xWW's affair on Christmas Day, but I'm not going to be thinking about that on Christmas. I'll be celebrating with my children.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 963 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

I think I kind of get where you are coming from.

I never got details, X did a runner and continues to lie and minimise.

Initially I listed my D-day and other 'stats'. This was to enable others an insight into where I was at in the timeline/process so that it might help in advice given. It was also to remind me of the day that changed my life, an acknowledgement of the severity of the damage inflicted (much like remembering notable war dates if you will).

I recently removed the stats. They are no longer as relevant to me and I am determined to not be defined by one arsehole's atrocities against me. That being said I will never forget what happened and when.


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 756 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

I wanted details so I could understand the reality I was living in. I understand that doesn't work for others.

Are you asking if this is the same as wallowing in pain? While I am sure that some people do that, I think the majority of them simply don't know how to proceed.

Some folks post dates, labels, etc because it's just easier than retelling it. It's a way to connect with others in the same circumstances.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7495 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
brokengrandma52
Member
Member # 31705
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

Great answer....I think the lies keep us from healing sooner then we do.


Me BS beautiful wonderful woman!!
Him FWS ex jackass
We are recovered.....almost!
Dday July 2010
Married 49 years...50 years Aug 2013

Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Fl part of the year
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

I wanted to know what happened but didn't get into some of the specific details that others I know did. Mainly that was from working with an IC that specializes in trauma and she warned me against getting too specific, as that would stick in my head. I never looked up the prostitutes my SAWH used because it was irrelevant to me. However, I know many spouses that wanted to know, that needed to know. That was for their healing and each of us need different things. It is o.k. that you don't want to know, o.k. that some want to know everything and o.k. that some of us fall in between.

Hope you are doing all right, the trauma of infidelity can really do a number on us.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
TarnishedSilver
Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

How long has it been for you since dday?


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
Flatlined123
Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

You know, I didn't have nearly as many questions after I found out the first time. When I realized the affair continued and I had been lied to more, I felt I need every detail to know what I was forgiving and there were no more secrets between them. It all needed to come out in the light.

Do I know every tiny detail? No, I don't think I ever will. The big thing is that H will answer honestly, without trying to protect himself, any questions I do have. That in itself tends to limit my questions.

So I don't feel I'm torturing myself, I feel like I can only forgive what I know.


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 677 | Registered: Jun 2012
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

SabbyKat,

Since your D-Day (disclosure day of the affair of your SO) was only a few days ago...and You believe the OW is pregnant:
I doubt very seriously if your will be able to simply "forget this..move on...and not relieve the anniversary over and over."

You may have A BABY/CHILD to be a constant reminder; if you choose to remain in this marriage/relationship.

SI Members will be here to offer kindness and support; if you CHOOSE to remain and post.

I'm sincerely sorry for the pain and turmoil you're going through.
WELCOME!


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6153 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

I needed details to try to process it and to understand the depth if the betrayal. I asked my H to answer the questions I asked as honestly as possible but not to elaborate. Are there some things I wish I didn't know that hurt me a great deal? I guess it depends on the day.

My signature is so other people get a small picture of my story. Eventually I'll edit it depending on our progress.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
mixedintherut
Member
Member # 40330
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

I am not big on dates. I don't even remember the date of when we got engadged. However, all of the significant dates have kind of just "stuck" without even trying to remember them. I remember the date and details from my very first DDay in 2009, like it was yesterday, and yet I can't remember when my daughter started crawling/walking. The amount of trauma that comes with it, certain things stick and certain things don't.

My hope is that at some point those dates will no longer be a trigger, because I will be moved on with or without WH.

Everyone reacts differently to affairs, and everyone has their own coping skills.


DD 1: PA 12/4/09 He spent 2.5 years with OW1
R: 8/31/2012
DD 2: EA 8/16/13
BS: 26
WH: 25
1 young daughter.
Terribly disgusted. He refuses to give up his "friend". Headed towards D.

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: kentucky
Pippy
Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

duplicate sorry

[This message edited by Pippy at 7:01 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
Pippy
Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

duplicate sorry

[This message edited by Pippy at 7:00 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
Pippy
Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

I truly believe the spoken (or typed) word is one of the best ways to deal with the pain and stress. Each time I "got it out", I was one step closer to healing and peace.

Thank God I came here and found all the sympathetic ears. You NEED to converse with others, hear their stories and tell yours, in order to heal.

There is no quick way through this.


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
5674emt
Member
Member # 40012
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

For me it has been like going to the Dr. for the diagnosis. Once I found out the details and how far the illness had progressed, I could work on the appropriate treatment plan. SI has been an invaluable group of therapists too.


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

For me, it's just reference.

Do what's best for you, and continue to post and ask questions. It's an on-going process.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20330 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
sad12008
Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

You ask:
Why do some of you torture yourself non stop with the details.You have dates posted everything.I Just want to forget this and move on.Not relive anniversary over and over

Simple. First, in regard to details: I wanted to know what reality was. I knew the lie version; I wanted to know the truth so that I could put that part of my life to bed.

Second, ignoring something, pretending it didn't happen doesn't mean it didn't. In addition, it is clearly human nature to note anniversaries of traumatic events; look at 9/11. I just passed the first anniversary of my mom's death, forgetting the date didn't seem like a likely scenario. What I know from experience, relative to trauma, is that over time the antiversaries become less of a focal point for pain. They still get a nod of recognition, but nowhere near the amount of attention they started out garnering.

Trying to move on from a traumatic emotional wound to me is like trying to move on from a traumatic physical wound without irrigating it thoroughly and checking for foreign bodies. Yeah, there are indeed people who manage to heal and move on without the proper medical treatment; however, the percentages are much higher for those who can follow the appropriate treatment protocol.

Just my two bits. I like to know facts.


You can't fill a cup with no bottom.

Posts: 3895 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
Thessalian
Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

I would think about the story I was told, go back and ask questions and get another load of half truths and half lies.

The more I was lied to, the more I analyzed, dug, cross-examined, etc.

This.

I started out not needing any more than the broad strokes. But then more stuff came out into the open, and I suddenly needed to dig more. That process repeated itself until I was scratching for every detail. Every time more lies surfaced, my need to know got deeper. Maybe that's because I started to wonder about absolutely everything.

If WH had just been honest from the beginning, if he'd given me the full truth without trying to protect himself, I wouldn't have felt the need to dig.


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

I tend to be a little OC. In general I tend to dissect everything. I really want to understand everything, down to the last minute detail.
My username means "searcher" in French.
I wanted to know every detail because I need to in order to understand exactly what happened. It took a long time to get all the details, & I still will never be 100% sure I know the whole story.

The other problem is that WH, & his mother ( who from the first moment blamed me for WH's A, made excuses for him , & enabled him) both
tried to tell me that "it was no big deal" & just "get over it." Maybe the details are so important to me to prove that it wasn't just "a little blip in a long marriage."
To me it was most definitely the biggest trauma that has ever happened to me ( & I lost my mom to cancer when I was a teenager, & my first husband cheated on me after a 10 yr marriage/but there were no kids.) This was much much worse.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1403 | Registered: Dec 2012
sad34
Member
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

It comes down to personality I think. I'm hugely analytical, enough said!


Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 140 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, September 30th (Monday)

Burying it alive isn't healthy and mining for pain isn't healthy.

Justwow...damn, this is brilliant ^^^^

A lot of times when you want to respond to a members post, it help s to have a little background...I put my dates and info so members know my sich when responding to my posts. Also helps when your new so you don't get asked the same questions.
As far as details...some people need them, some don't want them..I need them but didn't get them.
Oh yea..WELCOME

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 12:27 AM, September 30th (Monday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5174 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, September 30th (Monday)

I tried to forget and move on and was doing a great job until I picked up the phone and her number was staring me right in the face. Well kinda, it was disguised as his friend PAL. So there is no more forgiving or moving on for me.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, September 30th (Monday)

For me it's so people here know how far out I am (not terribly). That way, they can give me appropriate advice, given my relative distance from DDay.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, September 30th (Monday)

Knowing the details is difficult but for many it is a way to process what has happened. Knowing allows you to move through the devastation and accept what has happened.
Suppressing does not make it go away.

I am curious, How can you accept what you know so little about?


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2124 | Registered: Nov 2011
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 4:21 AM, September 30th (Monday)

I was fed such a mountainous pile of shit, that after swallowing all of it i wanted something more useful in understanding what happened.

My wife put me through Hell with the lies. The truth was bad, but the lies were worse, it was the details that reconciled all of that.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1020 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 5:03 AM, September 30th (Monday)

I think it's personality related. I am a numbers girl, some days it's a gift others it's a damn curse. I remember numbers, I remember childhood phone numbers, I remember birthday, I remember DD anniversaries. (wish I knew the lotto numbers though). I have an uncanny knack for remember things to do with numbers.

For some people they need to know all the gruesome details, some people prefer to stick their head in the sand and say no more that's it.

Exwh first EA that I am aware of I didn't need to know anymore then I knew already. It just had to end.

Next PA I needed to know every. single. detail. I needed to know the beast I was dealing with, to reconcile I didn't want anything to come back and bite me later on.

The exit affair I needed to know enough to get some sort of closure.

Do I believe I know the truth of everything, HELL NO!

But now 2 years out I don't have that 'need' for information anymore. I just needed to grieve and slowly rebuild my life and help my babies deal with this shitstorm he dumped us all in.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1363 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, September 30th (Monday)

For me, it is in hopes that if it all comes out, and things get better - then some whore doesn't have 'secrets' from me with my husband.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
WhiteCarrera
Member
Member # 29126
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, September 30th (Monday)

I started out not needing any more than the broad strokes. But then more stuff came out into the open, and I suddenly needed to dig more. That process repeated itself until I was scratching for every detail. Every time more lies surfaced, my need to know got deeper. Maybe that's because I started to wonder about absolutely everything.

If WH had just been honest from the beginning, if he'd given me the full truth without trying to protect himself, I wouldn't have felt the need to dig.

I agree with this completely. The more I realized she was only giving up the onion one layer at a time, the more I needed to get details; the more I needed to know where ground zero actually was. Four years later, we're still not done with this process :(


If I want recovery, then I must allow for it to actually happen.
Is it possible that I actually do have all the truth now?

me - husband A46
her - wife A42
Married 17 years
D-Day August 2, 2009
3 kids 11, 13, and 15


Posts: 277 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Midwest
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, September 30th (Monday)

For me, the info serves 2 purposes.

Posting my own dates helps me avoid denying I was betrayed by my W.

Reading others' dates helps me craft responses when I want to respond. A response that helps at 6 weeks may not help at 6 months or 6 years.

A note of counsel: the quickest, easiest way through this is to face the facts and face your pain as early as possible. I say 'easiest', and it is - but it's still terribly difficult. It's just easier than sweeping the betrayal under the rug, which makes it fester and grow. I say 'quickest' because it is, but it's still going to take longer than you want.

Denial and rug sweeping are a quick way to hell on earth, IMO.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10440 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
need_hope
Member
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, September 30th (Monday)

(((SabbyKat)))

I can see that you're new here and I'm not sure how close to Dday you are but I'm guessing it was fairly recent. Everything is raw for you right now. I get that. I remember those days - where you wish this was just some bad nightmare that you might still wake up from. I'm sorry you have to be here but I'm glad you found us.

As for the details, different people handle things differently. I needed to know what was going on because I'd found out that I'd spent years, decades, perhaps my entire married life living a lie. I needed to ground myself in what was real so I could start to deal with it.

I would have loved to have done nothing more than pack all of this shit into a mental box and file it away as history. But I couldn't do that. Every time I tried to pack it away I would discover some new thing, some additional lie, some betrayal I hadn't known about. Then I'd have to drag that mental box down off the shelf and try to find where this new piece fit in the mix. Because there were so many lies over so many years, I didn't know which way was up. I needed the truth, I needed the details so I could identify reality.

I'm not a "date" person. If I had to figure out my own Dday, I could. But I'd have to look up some old calendars and work to find it. But I am a "tell me the truth so I know what I'm facing" person. At least I am now.


Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10
DIVORCED 12/12

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.


Posts: 1743 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, September 30th (Monday)

For me, it's more to provide perspective for people reading my posts here on SI. It lets them know that I am divorced, how long I've been divorced, how long after DDay I got divorced, that I have kids, etc.

This - but I got tired of looking at it, so I took it out.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6835 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, September 30th (Monday)

I did the. I forgot and moved on.

It happened again.

This time, I will pick the meat of this monster to the bones. Then it will have less power over me. Either MrH will catch up or he'll be left behind. But we will not sweep it under the rug. All it does there is rot and fester and increase the chances of reoccurrence.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11237 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Thessalian
Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, October 7th (Monday)

I agree with this completely. The more I realized she was only giving up the onion one layer at a time, the more I needed to get details; the more I needed to know where ground zero actually was. Four years later, we're still not done with this process :(

Oh MAN, hugs to you. I couldn't deal with that for 4 years. I could barely handle it for the month it went on - I was only a week or so away from walking at that point.


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 34