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User Topic: Can't decide if I want to have children,
Audrina
Member
Member # 31522
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

My title pretty much sums up my situation.
I just can't decide on whether I should have children.

I thought that one day I would just "know" but I don't.

I am 50/50.

A childfree life has its advantages.

Will I regret it if I don't have children?

The funny thing is that I work as a preschool teacher.

Did you always know you wanted to have children?

And For those of you that are child free , did you end up regretting it down the line?



Me (betrayed): 35
Him:45


Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Canada
sadcat
Member
Member # 8637
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

Interesting topic.

I was somewhat against having kids when i was a teenager. I got married at 23 and was still ambivalent about it. Then I decided I did want kids. I had my daughter at 25 and various things prevented me having more kids- which was probably for the best.

She is a teenager now, I love her and my life would be infinitely less rich without her. But I can also see how not having kids would have been ok.

I would not trade her or go back and change my decision if I had the magical option to. But my regret about not having more kids is less every year.

It is OK not to want kids. It doesn't make you cold, or a bad person. It is way better to not have kids then to have and regret it. Resenting a child is heartbreaking for all involved.


I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

If this isn't what I consider soulmate crap, I don't know what is.


Posts: 13243 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: GA
jrc1963
Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

I just always knew I wanted children.

I was heartbroken when I started to "try" to conceive and it just didn't work.

I went thru infertility treatments in my 20's.

Then that marriage fell apart for other reasons and I was glad I hadn't had a baby with him, but still wanted kids.

Eventually, I did conceive and I have the beautiful, intelligent, sensitive son that I always wanted.

I wanted more, but that wasn't to be. Do I regret not having more? No... but I'm over the moon happy I have my DS.

I guess to answer your questions... for me it was a case of always knowing I'd have kids... either my own or adoption.

I also work with kids everyday... I am a middle school English teacher. I work with the "Bad Behavior" kids.


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 69
DS - 13
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24510 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
jjsr
Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

I have 2 adult sons. I didn't want kids. Neither did my husband. I wouldn't trade my life with them now for anything but I can see if you chose to be childless that's ok too.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1629 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
hurtbs
Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

Well I'm also in my mid-30's (34) and I don't feel that "drive" that many of my friends expressed. It weighs on me... especially as the big 3-5 looms. I just don't know... It's more of that ambivalence.

From what I have seen, if you do not have a strong desire - don't force it. Children, while a blessing, are a huge responsibility - a financial weight and demand. I think that women feel more pressure to have children than many desire.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15324 | Registered: Jun 2006
AnnieOakley
Member
Member # 13332
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

I always assumed I would have children. I come from a large family and have 14 nieces and nephews...several of them I started babysitting when I was 9. They were also often at our house thus allowing their parents a bit of free time as needed.

My stbxh and I were on the same page about kids...of course!

About 3 years after we got married-I started to feel differently. I kept putting it off, I was using the excuse that I was scared of childbirth.

Now...I think my intuition was telling me something was not right and I should not have children.

We put it off for several years, then he started to make comments about us 'never going to have kids'.

When things fell apart, I was honestly relieved. It was the best decision I NEVER made.

A friend asked me once if I regretted not having children. My response was that I regretted being married to a man that I eventually did not want to have children with and not realizing why I felt that way.

I honestly cannot imagine a child in my life. I am certain I would have been a great parent, I love kids. In the end, it just was not meant to be. I don't feel a sense of loss about it though.


Me= BS, 45
Him=WH, 46
M=18+,T=21+
dday=7/06, 8/09 (pics at a recent work function), 11/09 VAR. Done.
"If you are going through hell, keep going." - Sir Winston Churchill

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: West
IRN2006
Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

I always knew I wanted kids. I'm an only, and I also knew I wanted a larger number (we have 3.)

Having a larger family was important enough to me that I discussed it with when I was seriously dating my DH.

I thought I was "done." with three. I felt done. But, something weird hit, and I have serious baby fever, and it started when this lo was about a year. (All my kids are spaced 3-4 years apart, because I couldn't think about adding another child any sooner.)

So, we are done. We really can't afford anymore-well, we could, but then we'd be living paycheck to paycheck. Emotionally, I am not not done. We may foster when some kids start leaving the house.

Two of my closest friends are childless by choice. They also knew from a young age they were not meant to have kids. And, they haven't. And, they've had VERY fulfilling lives.

You can still chose to do things like be a big sister or be a foster parent without being a bio parent.


Posts: 1296 | Registered: Apr 2009
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

I'm 35.

I'm on birth control. The arm implant- most effective method on the market. I've also got a few physical issues that would make it unlikely that I could carry a child to term even if I did get pregnant somehow.

I don't really want kids. I'm not ruling out that there may be a change of heart, but I'm sorta running out of time.

I decided a few years ago that I won't let myself regret not having kids. Because I am living a life I love and I do a lot of things I could not do if I had children. So when I look back I will have so many memories there won't be room for regrets.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49473 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

I think everyone is different and whatever you choose, it's okay. I really don't think you should have children unless you are SURE you want them. It's a huge financial, emotional, oh just every kind of responsibility. Children deserve to be wanted.

In my case, I always wanted to have kids. I unofficially adopted my two stepchildren and have one child of my own, all adults now. I actually do regret not having more children. If I won the lottery tomorrow, I would adopt a couple more kids. I love everything about being a parent. Well, okay it wasn't all roses by any means, but to me, well worth it.

My sister is two years younger than me, has been married for years, and has no kids. I don't see anything wrong with it at all and neither does she. To each their own.

[This message edited by kernel at 8:31 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5120 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

There's no right or wrong answer to that question.

I am an only. I liked being an only. I was also quite sure I didn't want any kids. My DS came along completely by surprise when I was 24. I was actively trying not to have kids.

He is a blessing on so many levels. I am so lucky to have him. HOWEVER - I never had anymore. I'm glad that I didn't and I'm pretty sure I would feel OK about it if I had not had any kids.

I've acquired stepkid type people in my life b/c of SO. They're fine but I really haven't significantly bonded with them. Its not as though I have a void b/c I haven't had more kids.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, September 30th (Monday)

I have 2 and I love them with all my heart.

It's a shit ton of work, and you really have to get over yourself and the selfishness when you have kids.

Honestly, its been hard for me to have kids, as (go figure as a fWS) i am kind of selfish.

I love doing things with my kids, love to watch them grow and learn, love to hang out with them and help them out. Love to hear them giggle, get their kisses and hugs.

But

I love to sleep in, I loved having a sedan that only fit 4 people, I loved being able to stay up late, come home way to early in the morning, leave at a moment's notice, and by far the thing i miss the most is using the bathroom all by myself.

My best friend knows she never want's kids. I keep telling her that its competely ok to be selfish like that. That if you know you don't want them, then do the kid a favor, and don't have any.

If you are on the fence (like I was), then you may find out that you will struggle for a little while until you finally give in to the life of "mom...mommmmmmm, mommy!!"


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Sep 2012
lost_in_toronto
Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, September 30th (Monday)

I think you're really smart to be questioning this now.

We never wanted to have children, but when I was 35 I became pregnant and our daughter is now two. Having her turned my world upside down. Almost all my plans for my future have changed - career and education wise. It's not because I can't do what I wanted to do (I could, it would just be harder) but because my priorities have shifted SO MUCH. I don't think you should have kids unless you are willing to shift your entire worldview.

I'm not sure if this is as true for people whose worldview always included having children. For me, it was such a huge shift and I'm still finding my footing.

Having my daughter was an incredible experience. I hated being pregnant, and felt really trapped by the whole thing - but from the moment I went into labour, things have been easier for me. She really is amazing, and I am so happy that she is here and I love my life with her so much. If I had had her in my twenties instead of my mid-thirties, I think I would have had more kids - that's how much I enjoy her.

That being said, I know I would have always been happy without kids. (It is actually hard for me to type that, it feels disloyal to my daughter. But it's true.) I never once wondered if I wanted to have kids, I never once worried I would regret it. I loved my life, it was wrapped up in academia and I spent all my time writing and reading and I LOVED IT. I smoked and drank and did what I wanted when I wanted to. We had a ton of money, and travelled a lot and went out to dinner and movies and art openings. We had so much fun together. We STILL have so much fun together, it's just a very different type of fun and that's okay. It's where we are. I wouldn't give up my Bee for anything.

It's a lot of sacrifice. Anyone who says it isn't a lot of sacrifice is, in my opinion, fudging the numbers a little. It's worth it to me.

ETA - it is my experience, as well, that one parent is going to be making more sacrifice than the other. Over here, that's me - my WS has a really established career and it requires a lot of his time. When he is home he is a really hands on father; but he does have to travel a lot and he does put a lot of his energy into his work. I think kids deserve a lot of attention and energy from us, especially in the early years - and IME, one parent ends up giving more than the other simply because of how the world works, not necessarily because of unwillingness or attitude. So that's something to keep in mind, too.

[This message edited by lost_in_toronto at 8:05 AM, September 30th (Monday)]


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1666 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, September 30th (Monday)

First of all let me say that I admire anyone who is really willing to look at this, and ponder the decision, and be comfortable in saying nope I don't want kids.

So many women feel the pressure to have kids just because they have the parts to do it. Let's face it we all know someone, or someone's mom who just doesn't have the maternal thing, and really didn't enjoy doing the mom thing. I always felt bad for a friend I had who came from a family like that, her dad was great, and loved her very much, but mom, just didn't have it. She loved her, but it was just an odd relationship.

I also think if you are unsure at this time, when it becomes time, you will know.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8489 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
metamorphisis
Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, September 30th (Monday)

I just knew. I don't ever recall really making a pro/con list .. I knew. However I do know someone who felt exactly the same as you and basically researched her decision and really took some time to think it out and consider all her options and I think that was very smart. In the end she did decide to and is a happy mom . OTOH I know very happy childless by choice couples and there is absolutely nothing wrong with deciding it just isn't for you.

I did do the back and forth on having another the last few years. Whenever I said "let's do this" dh said "No". Then I would decide I didn't want to and he would say "let's have a baby" . I think it was extremely indicative that we didn't really want another but were feeling the pull of it almost being too late. I turn 40 this year and there sure isn't a lot of time left for this decision. Ultimately we're happy the way we are and don't want to start all over again with our kids being 16 and 9. But there is always that "what if?" hanging out there.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:47 AM, September 30th (Monday)]



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44685 | Registered: Sep 2006
Audrina
Member
Member # 31522
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, September 30th (Monday)

Wow..so many responses. I really appreciate your honesty.

I just turned 35 and I feel like time is "running" out. I am really feeling the pressure now. I hate it that women have a time limit on this.

I work with children ages 3 to 5 and sometimes (after a bad day) I am relieved to come home to my quiet apartment.


I also worry about things like autism, having an unhealthy child...

I realize this is a life changing decision to make.

I can't say for sure that I WANT children.
And I can't say for sure that I DON"T want children.


Me (betrayed): 35
Him:45


Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Canada
Want2help
Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I never wanted kids. My paternal grandmother and my own mother like to remind me how I never wanted to play with baby dolls growing up, only Barbies. I didn't want to be a mom, I wanted to be an adult with blonde hair and a Ferrari.

I didn't think I wanted children until I married FWH. I still question my own motives (he very much wanted children, and I was feeling pressure from all sides: husband, family, our culture, etc.). I had one and am done. I cannot fathom the work it takes for two, let alone three or more, children.

Now I am 30, back in college for an advanced degree, and looking at the possibility of having to give up my dream to study abroad (which may result in the end of my dream to work abroad).

Our daughter is priceless. I love her more than I knew I was capable of loving anyone or anything. But at least once a week I have actual dreams of having my own apartment, where it is quiet and I can read books and sleep in undisturbed.

I often wonder if I am really cut out for parenting (I'm not an incredibly patient person, luckily my FWH is).

Now that I have experienced life with my daughter, I could never live without her. But I know that had I made the decision to not have children, I would have been just fine as well.

Sorry if that didn't help at all.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2262 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
pollybuddy
Member
Member # 20742
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

When I was married the first time, from age 20-26, I wanted kids, at least 2 maybe more. My husband at the time was 15 years older than me, and only wanted 1. Turns out he didn't want ANY and had a vasectomy when I was away. Marriage ended, what a shock.

Married current husband at 27. We both said we wanted 'kids', but wanted to wait a few years. Went off the pill at 29, nothing happened. After 4 years of that, and having the doctor say nothing was physically wrong, we both pretty much decided we didn't WANT kids.

So by the time I was 36, having been married for 9 years, we were totally sure we didn't want kids, but couldn't convince husband to have a vasectomy.

I had to do a lot of explaining to family and friends about NOT wanting kids, and although it may have sounded selfish to them, it made perfect sense to ME. We worked a LOT, because we were self employed, but we could also take off on a moment's notice if we wanted.

I am the youngest of 7 kids, so most of my siblings could NOT comprehend my not wanting kids.

When I was 36 years old, I found out I was pregnant....actually VERY pregnant...27 weeks and 5 days is what the ultrasound said...so basically, 7 months.

It was a HUGE shock and a huge adjustment. My H was pretty clueless, kept telling me 'it won't change our lives that much'.

This is coming out so disjointed and rambling, sorry.

Bottom line is I am now 51 with a 14 year old daughter who I love more than I could ever have believed. I can't say that I can't imagine life without her, because I CAN imagine it, and I lived it for a long time.

I CAN say that I am glad I decided to have her, and that she has been way more joy and blessing than burden....but (knock wood)she has also always been the easiest baby/toddler/kid you could ever ask for.

So I can only say that I didn't regret not having kids before, can't say how I would feel if I hadn't had her.

It is such a personal, life changing decision that I admire you for giving it so much thought.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 11/1989
One child, daughter, born 2/99
Affair: EA turned PA for 4 1/2 months.D Day 11/19/07 OW WAS employee/friend.
D Day 2, 4/30/09:OOPS turns out it never ended, I've been in false R for a year and a half.
Status:

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Aug 2008
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Well the good news is you do have more time than you realize. 5 years at a minimum.

However if you are happy with your life and fufilled now, why would you have a child? (I'm asking more for you to consider, not that I want to know). Is it for you to have the chance to pass on your looks, your family history? Or is it for the bond between mother and child?

There are lots of reasons to consider having or not having a baby, and it's a life long impact on you, and how you live. There are years where they come first for everything, and if you aren't careful you do loose yourself.

I always knew, I would be a mom, I always knew I would have 2 boys. I wanted that. I did become mom, but God tricked me and gave a girl the second time around. I wouldn't trade either of them for all the money in the world. They bring us so much joy, and love. However, if we hadn't had those two, I know that I would be much closer to retirement, and would certainly have more funds. I wouldn't be driving a car that is on it's last legs, and have worn out furniture, and need to repaint the whole house. But for me at the end of the day that stuff is just material, I have to young people that are really turning into great strong independent fun people.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8489 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
amitheow
Member
Member # 4691
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I am 38 and married. Never wanted kids. I raised my siblings, or helped a LOT with them and I was done with my parenting ...


Old Timer, Just here to help
My screen name is: Am I The Ow? - Not Ami the OW.

Because in my situation I didn't know if I was the OW at first or if I was being cheated on. Found I was being cheated on.


Posts: 5085 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: Texas
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I am 45 now. At age 30, I had my tubes tied (this was 8 years before his A).

I wanted kids, but I knew that I didn't want HIS kids and I thought that we would always be together.

I'm not real maternal, and now I think that it was for the best, because I'm living a really awesome life.

I just wish that I had maybe kept my options open and just gotten rid of him at age 30.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7643 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I spent most of my life thinking I didn't want kids. I didn't have a great maternal example, so I thought I'd be horrible at it.

I saw my niece born. I was the first person to ever see her face and that changed me. I started wanting to have a child that day.

Due to fertility issues, I gave up trying after about a year and thought I'd never have kids. Four months after THAT, I was at the Dr. for something unrelated and I was complaining about breast tenderness. So, I found out I was about four months pregnant.

I think I surprised everyone, including myself, with my abilities as a mom. I now have a wonderful fourteen year old daughter.

It really IS an individual thing and sometimes we aren't as 'in control' of the decision as we think, as my story illustrates.


Posts: 11667 | Registered: Mar 2008
vtach
Member
Member # 27639
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I always knew I wanted children. This is the one regret for me. I sacrificed something that was dearly important to me to be with someone that did not have the same hopes. Luckily, I have many kids to love and nurture but it is not the same. Yes, I do regret not being more proactive and "selfish".


me 48
wh 63
1st DD Thanksgiving day 2009
2nd DD 12/27
3rd DD 3/5/10

We are a work in progress...

Tho I'm fully aware, of your desperate despair, I'm still charmed by the words that you say...Jaron and the Long Road to Love


Posts: 2053 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: alabama
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I knew from a very early age, I didn't want kids. I love them...I think they are a true gift but I also knew I wouldn't be a great mom.

I was also very lucky when MH and I started getting serious and the subject of kids came up. He didn't want any either. Sealed the deal for me...lol!!!

Anyone can be a mediocre parent...but if I wasn't going to be a great parent, then I wasn't going to have any.

Our nephews and nieces are a joy for us, we love them and are actively involved in their lives. Besides, we just happen to be the coolest Aunt and Uncle around


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197740 | Registered: May 2002
Fireball72
Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I am 41 and do not have children. I knew from a very early age that I DIDN'T want children, and I never attempted to try.

As someone said earlier, some women do not have a maternal instinct, and I'm one of them. I also have some very bad family genetics (a lot of mental and physical issues) that I decided wouldn't be right to pass on to a future generation. I actually decided that the kindest thing I could do for my future children was not to bring them into the world at all, if that makes sense.

I have no regrets.


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
Remarried happily in 2013
A relationship is built for two. But apparently, some bitches don't know how to count!

Posts: 602 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
lynnm1947
Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I didn't want to have kids when I first got married. When I was almost 30, my XH and I had a chat and decided I'd go off the pill. If I got pregnant, it was "meant to be"; if not, well, no harm done! I got pregnant a few months later, had my son and then wham1 bam! sixteen months later had my daughter It was crazyville around my house for years. Once I had them, I couldn't imagine being without them. But I also know that if I hadn't had kids, I would have been OK.

Now my son has presented me with two adorable granddaughters. Ya can't have GD without having the kids! LOL. And having grandkids is amazing.

[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 2:39 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7213 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
namaste32
Member
Member # 32848
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I knew from very early on that I wanted kids. We have 3 and want one more. But I do think its ok not to have any,if a person is not a hundred precent sure. I see too many,when I think they really shouldnt have any,....its a lots of work,so much responsibility,and of course much joy. But the minute you have them ,you have to be able to put your life on hold. Not everybody can. And thats a problem. Good luck with whatever you decide,...

Posts: 185 | Registered: Jul 2011
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I have to say I love the openness here, and the theme developing that even some happy parents believe that they would have been ok had their lives taken a different path.

As for me I was a newly married college student when I discovered my husband was cheating and shortly after that, that I was pregnant. I had never even thought about children. I was in college and had just left my parents' house! It was the farthest thing from my mind. I would say that I was not maternal and the news that I was pregnant was something of a sucker punch. The divorce that happened while I was pregnant didn't help.

I have to admit that I considered termination and ultimately just left the decision until it was no longer an option. So understand that being pregnant was not something that made me feel joyful and womanly and nesty. My son was born and I didn't immediately feel that whoosh of love and I got very scared that I wasn't capable of being a mother. A few days later I looked down into his face and the whoosh of love came, unexpectedly, and I cried and cried and will be forever grateful for that. I was not maternal, but he tugged at my heart until it was his. I bonded fiercely with my son after that, but never even thought about having another until I met my husband and had another person's beliefs to consider and respect. I honestly believed at the time that it was just my particular son that I loved so fiercely, not "children" in general.

In a way I'm glad I got pregnant unexpectedly the first time. I don't think I would have made that choice, and like you I would probably have been torn at the 50/50 mark, just waiting to see if I tipped either way. It's sometimes a blessing when the decision is taken out of our hands, because at least then our choice is more immediate and clear.

[This message edited by circe at 9:06 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 3191 | Registered: Mar 2005
Weatherly
Member
Member # 18222
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

I never planned on kids, and growing up the oldest of 10, nobody could understand this. I think saying the oldest of 10 explains everything.And, I've been told many times, I'm not very maternal, so, I didn't even think I'd be a good mom.

My oldest was a complete shock. I was only 18 when I had him. Then, I didn't really want him to be an only child, so, about 2 yrs later, we had our next son. Then, I got my tubes tied.

My oldest is almost 10, his brother is 8. I love them very much, and am glad I have them and I even think I've grown into a pretty decent mom. But, I don't think i'd have regretted it if I hadn't had kids. And, even now, there are lots of days I tell myself "ten more years and I get a quiet house again. I can just pack up and move if I want to." And, now that I'm remarried to someone without his own children, I get lots of questions about when we're going to have one. He's the youngest of 6 and quite content not to have any and I don't wan to start over.


Me-29,Two boys, 10 and 8

It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end

Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.


Posts: 4485 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Indiana
amitheow
Member
Member # 4691
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

I have to say I don't think I am maternal either and I said earlier in this thread I was raising my brothers and sister when I was a kid.

But I am a FABULOUS Dog mom ... so maybe I would be a good people mom, I just don't want to do it. The dog is enough responsibility. I have to take her to the doctor .. she gets up early and has to go out. She is just like a kid ...


Old Timer, Just here to help
My screen name is: Am I The Ow? - Not Ami the OW.

Because in my situation I didn't know if I was the OW at first or if I was being cheated on. Found I was being cheated on.


Posts: 5085 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: Texas
Thistles
Member
Member # 18970
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Please make sure you ask an elderly person or 2 that never had children if they have any regrets. Maybe even someone that has lost their life long partner. The answers will be different.


Me-BS-52
Him-FWS 51
M-25 yrs
D-Day Mar 26,2008
NC phone call Aug 2
Reconciling not working out
Had him move out 6-1-11
Divorce final 1/4/13

Posts: 185 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Maryland
Fireball72
Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Please make sure you ask an elderly person or 2 that never had children if they have any regrets.

Having children is NO guarantee that you won't end up alone and neglected in a nursing home somewhere. Trust me on this. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have adult children that are willing to look after their parents when they get to that point.

I am not afraid of being alone in my old age. And I've prepared myself for the future since I know I'm going to have only myself to depend on (that is, if I outlive my husband, and there's no guarantee that I will since he's in better overall health).

I refuse to be made to feel guilty in ANY respect because I've made the choice I have. Not everyone wants kids, or is fit to have kids, or is fit to RAISE kids. And it sure isn't a guarantee that they'll take care of you later in life. Want proof? Look at all of the abandoned, lonely, neglected people in long-term care facilities.


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
Remarried happily in 2013
A relationship is built for two. But apparently, some bitches don't know how to count!

Posts: 602 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
strongerdaybyday
Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

I have 3 children. 12, 9 and 4. I can see the benefit of being childfree. My sister's a few years older then me and doesn't have kids, she LOVES it. She says she gets to be the fun aunt and then goes home to peace and quiet! However, I knew I wanted to be a mommy and would be devastated if I couldn't have kids. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with being childless - not everyone wants to be a parent and that's okay. As long as it's not a sacrifice you're making for someone else, because then I can see feeling resent and regret.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
Thistles
Member
Member # 18970
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

I'm sorry I sparked such outrage Fireball72. Wasn't intended at all.
Maybe elderly wasn't the right word but I was referring to people in the 75-85 age group. I honestly think it was more about the connection than anything else. There really is nothing else like it.
I wasn't crazy about the idea of having kids either and one came along just before I turned 39......


Me-BS-52
Him-FWS 51
M-25 yrs
D-Day Mar 26,2008
NC phone call Aug 2
Reconciling not working out
Had him move out 6-1-11
Divorce final 1/4/13

Posts: 185 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Maryland
Fireball72
Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

No offense taken, Thistles. As a matter of fact, I apologize for sounding a little harsh there. It's a sensitive subject with me, because I used to volunteer at a local nursing home and I'd visit with so many elderly people whose kids just put them in there and forgot all about them. It makes me so mad and upset because they were so lonely and hurt by their kids' actions.

No one wants to be in that position, you know?

This is why it's so important for everyone to have some kind of long-term care plan, both financial and social. Because you just never know what's going to happen down the line.

No hard feelings, I hope.


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
Remarried happily in 2013
A relationship is built for two. But apparently, some bitches don't know how to count!

Posts: 602 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
Thistles
Member
Member # 18970
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

None whatsoever
I probably thought you got hounded to death about not having kids because I know I did. I just started telling people I couldn't have them. That usually ended the conversation right there.....


Me-BS-52
Him-FWS 51
M-25 yrs
D-Day Mar 26,2008
NC phone call Aug 2
Reconciling not working out
Had him move out 6-1-11
Divorce final 1/4/13

Posts: 185 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Maryland
amitheow
Member
Member # 4691
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Fireball and Thistles ... this is why we dote on our nephews. THEY will take care of us when we get old ... we'll leave them all our riches.


Old Timer, Just here to help
My screen name is: Am I The Ow? - Not Ami the OW.

Because in my situation I didn't know if I was the OW at first or if I was being cheated on. Found I was being cheated on.


Posts: 5085 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: Texas
stupidgurl
Member
Member # 36763
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, October 4th (Friday)

I am right there with you Audrina, I have two children already, both sons, I love them to death, I protect them with the fierceness of a momma bear.
My big dream was to have 4 kids, 2 sons and 2 daughters. I shared this with my H, he chose to have a vasectomy and tell me with certainty it was reversible. Well two reversal surgeries, and thousands of dollars later, we have no chances of having kids together.

I often think about the fact that I could have kids without him, I think that was one of the motivating factors in my A, to see if I could get pregnant. I hate that the choice was made for me. I wanted more, he didn't he decided then not to have any more, but later changed his mind. He was only 20 when he had his vasectomy!

Sorry to rant on, but if you want kids have them, don't let your life pass by and wish you had, you have the power to do it now. I had the power to say no but was lied to. Vasectomies cannot be reversed, and time cannot be reversed.

My two kids are the best things in my life, the look in their eyes when they look at me, and the love I have for them is immense. I have no other experience to compare it to except for the love for my very own mother, or the love I had for my husband in the beginning of our relationship, pre-EA, imagine that, never going away.

Make the best choice for you, if you are not cut out, then don't do it, if you have the desire then go for it.


me WW/BW-31
him BH/WH- 31

2002/3 (him) EA

PA(me)-Nov 2007

R


Posts: 131 | Registered: Sep 2012
Too_Trusting
Member
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

I am 56 y/o and childless by choice. I just never felt that "burning desire" to have children, and I felt like one should have that strong desire to have children. IMO, children are a big responsibility that should be desired. As long as I was ambivalent about kids, I thought it would be a disservice TO the child to have an ambivalent parent. Not saying that my thoughts wouldn't have changed if I HAD a child; just that the desire just wasn't there.

I have zero regrets. Some people just aren't meant to have children. I think I'm one of them. But, it's a very personal decision. I was never even 50/50.


"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 2466 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

I wasn't too much into kids until I hit around the age of 23...I was really happy having my own life, riding motorcycles, taking vacations, coming and going as I pleased...being able to save money and I had a great figure!!! I knew having children would change all that!

But when I hit mid-20's, I did decide I wanted kids and it was a strong feeling for me. I'm a very nurturing person (even though I'm very independent) and I wanted a family.

I LOVED being the mom of young children...they are so loving and I never had any trouble dealing with temper tantrums, busy 2 year olds, sibling rivalry, etc.... I found I didn't really miss my motorcycle or going to parties or care-free vacations, and I also learned I had great patience with my kids and found parts of myself that I didn't know existed. However, having children also opened up a vulnerability in me that I didn't know existed either. I'm a pretty strong, brave person but when you have kids, you have a weakness that other people can manipulate. I ended up having my 4th child by a sociopath and he has used her against me her entire 15 years. I am looking forward to her 18th birthday so at least he cannot manipulate through the court system any longer.

You can't go into having children with any preconceived notions, because there are no warranties and no guarantees. It isn't for the faint of heart.

I've seen the term selfish used on this thread. It is NOT selfish to not want children. It is selfish to have children to use for your own purpose. It is mature and courageous to make whatever decision you make and stick by it no matter what other people say....

Having kids because you think there will be someone around to take care of you in old age, or because you want someone to hang with when they get older, or because you want them to have babies so you can be a grandparent, or because you dream of being the parent of the captain of the football team or America's Next Top Model....those are bad reasons to have children because you can't control what a child is going to do when they grow up. They are going to be what they are going to be and you have to accept it.

These are all things to consider....do you have it in you to give up any preconceived notions and selflessly nurture and raise your child and then set them free and hope for the best? Or will you regret never having had that experience?


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15227 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, October 7th (Monday)

I was ambivalent, then I wanted kids and got married, but after being married to my X I got ambivalent again. I never felt like he would support me as a mother in an emotional way and we weren't all that financially stable until I was in my 40s and it was too late.

I am a very mothery nurturing type of person. I have a holistic health practice and I love my clients. I work with mostly adults but also have babies and kids as clients.

Do I regret not having kids? Sure, I know I would have made a great mother, and I think I would have really enjoyed having that kind of relationship.

But it just wasn't meant to be. It just didn't happen. Now and then I feel sad but it passes. You just can't do everything in life.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5815 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Audrina
Member
Member # 31522
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Thank you all for the responses. I guess, I am just going to have to give this some serious thought.

I know it sounds selfish but I HAVE thought about who will take care of me in my old age.
But it is not a valid reason to have children!

What are some good reasons to have children? Why do people have them?

Might sound like a silly question but I genuinely want to know.


Me (betrayed): 35
Him:45


Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Canada
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I knew from an early age that I did not want children. My mother says she knew this about me even when I was little, because I never wanted to play with baby dolls. "You were always an excellent mother to your stuffed animals, however!" she says... and it's true. Animals are my thing. My furbabies (one cat, one dog) are my children.

When I married XWH, I inherited 5 children who were desperate for a mother figure. I did my best for them and loved them all dearly. For awhile I thought that was why I never wanted kids... its because I was meant to be an awesome stepmom to his kids.

Now even after the D,I still have a very close relationship with his daughter. (The teenage boys, not so much, but that's okay.) I was present at the birth of her darling son in January, and it was one of the most incredible things I've ever witnessed.

But I do not and never have regretted my decision not to have children of my own.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 817 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

What are some good reasons to have children? Why do people have them?

Good reasons? Heck if I know. I don't know if there are specific logical reasons for it. It's an urge, or a calling, like getting married to the one you love feels like an internal pull. I'm sure there must be bad reasons, but really it's something I think people feel emotionally drawn to doing - or not doing - and neither choice is "wrong", with all the obvious caveats.

I mentioned earlier that my son was a surprise pregnancy. I'm not sure if I would have had my daughter when I got remarried if I hadn't already been a parent. I wanted more of the love I shared with my son, combined with the love I had for my husband. But had I been childless when I remarried, maybe I would have invested all my love and nurturing into my marriage, myself and my stepdaughter and never really felt like I was missing anything. And that would really have been a full life, too.


Posts: 3191 | Registered: Mar 2005
JanetS
Member
Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Funny I should read this at this moment in time...not only 15 minutes ago I said "sometimes I wish I never had children"....and I wasn't really kidding.

My daughter is fine, independent and responsible. But my two sons, 22 and 23 are adult children, needy, irresponsible, frustrating, at times rude. I love them. But some days my stress level over them (and dealing with their father over them) causes me such awful stress. The stress is with me from the moment I wake up till I fall asleep...and I go to asleep early just to get away from the stress. Glad I don't have a drinking problem, because it certainly would present itself right now.

Ask me in two years, hopefully it will be an entirely different story.

And, I heard that people without children live longer.


Posts: 2574 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
NWfleur
Member
Member # 35874
Default  Posted: 3:30 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

This topic is interesting. I wanted kids from the get go...other girls would dream about getting married and their weddings...I didn't care about that, I just wanted a baby! It was a very strong drive for me. I cannot imagine life without my DSs. They have taught me so much and it is a love like no other that is impossible to explain until you experience it for yourself.

That said, I have a few friends who always felt ho-hum about having kids. They are 40ish now and probably not going to have them. And they are okay with that. I honestly think it's more innately driven for some, and there are women that just don't have the "I want babies" gene. There is enough people in the world as it is, perhaps it's a good thing and nature's way of balancing things a bit. Although I've often thought that, ironically, it seems that the people who take the longest to decide, or choose to not have children at all, would make the best parents. Lots of people having lots of babies without giving much thought to the huge responsibility it entails.
I'm a preschool teacher too, btw...and I can say that as much as I love what I do...it's pretty good birth control at times!!!!

[This message edited by NWfleur at 3:33 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]


Me BS (39)
Him WS (36)
2 DS
M: 9 years (together 13)
DD: 4/10/2012
(Separated since 12/11...affair began ??!!)

Divorced!!!


Posts: 322 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 45