Wayward Side
User Topic: BW doesn't know what to do...
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

My BW struggles daily with what I did. I have know she wants to stay but can't deal with the the constant thoughts, the mind movies, the depression, and all that goes along with someone she trusted having an A. She approached me tonight and confirmed this. She said that she loves who I have become and she wants to stay with me on the other hand she can't deal with what I did to her and it should have been a deal breaker. She asked me for suggestions how to deal with this and I'm at a loss. Any suggestions on how I could ease her mind and help her with this?

Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

IMO, an IC would be a huge help for her to figure this out.

Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."

Posts: 37987 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, September 30th (Monday)

I second the suggestion of IC. For myself journaling and reading has also helped allot. As BS each of us have a different timeline for our grief and anger. Some take longer than others.

I also find that writing letters to my WH and then shredding them is very helpful. I also describe the mind movies on paper and shred. For me it is cathartic and is meant to allow me to release these thoughts from my head and symbolically get rid of them and be done with them for now. This came as a suggestion a long time ago from my alanon sponsor and again recently from my IC. Some days I shred allot of paper!

I also found from journaling that I became aware of just how much of our problems were my fault. This doesn't excuse his EA that is all on him, but it did allow me to understand that we had issues and he used poor judgment in having the EA instead of coming to me and talking about our issues. I am 50 % at fault for the problems in our marriage.

Good luck I hope things work out.

1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Thank you for your comments. As I see IC as part of the answer, unfortunately to my BW it is not. She refuses to entertain that thought as she feels she knows what they are going to say. Most of what she feels that will be suggested is contained in emotionalgirls post and has pondered some of these. The only difference is that I'm 100% at fault.

Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)


The A was 100% your fault. What happens now is both your responsibilty.
are you sure that for your BS- the A wasn't a dealbreaker? How far out are you? As a BS I know it takes a long long time to heal.

You can help her heal by being supportive. Try to listen to her and do not get angry at her for her feelings. Be HONEST with her at all times.

IC and MC can help you both. It gives you a nuetral place to discuss the A. Journaling can help. When I read some of the things I wrote in the first days and months it helps me understand I am truly in a better place.

I know as a BS that the past can't be erased but I need to know without a doubt that it will not be repeated. Maybe your BS is also concerned about this. You are the one who can helpwith this but again maybe some IC will help you help her.


Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I am a bit hesitant to post this, as I am not sure if this applies to your wife at all, obviously, what I am going to tell you applies to my own personal situation, your wife's situation may be completely different, she would need to be the judge of that. But I thought I'd tell you something that was discussed at my IC this week, that I found hugely helpful.

I spoke to my IC about how I really want to reconcile, but I feel that the past hurts are getting in my way - how will I ever feel completely "okay" with my husband again, in light of what he has done, how will I be able to move forward, with all of this baggage?

She explained to me how I have an "internalised version" of my husband in my head. This is the "insert his name here" that I believe him to be, based on my past experiences of him. At the moment that internalised version is pretty tainted by the A and all the fallout from it.

She went on to say that, provided my fWH is really doing the work and that I am sure that I want to be in this marriage, then what I need to do (if I choose to) is to toss away that "internalised version" of him. I basically need to act as though he is a stranger, and form a completely new impression of him, based on who he is NOW.

This is the "in a nutshell" version of what she said, there was quite a lot more to it.

To me this was quite a radical and intriguing concept. It's obviously not something a BS would want to do until you were SURE in your own mind that R is what you want and that the WS is fully committed etc.

I have given this a LOT of thought since IC. Really, what it means is that I will forgive him, isn't it? I mean, that's what forgiveness is IMO - giving someone a clean slate.

The thing she said that struck a chord with me is that while I am clinging to the current internalised version of him, nothing that he does now is going to be enough for me. I sooo get that!! Up to now, nothing he does HAS been enough. I totally see that. He will bring me flowers (or do some other nice thing) and on some level I will be "Wow, that's very nice, but you're still a liar and a cheat" Not good!

So this is something I am really stewing over in my mind. I'm really trying to get a handle on it.

Just thought I would share.

BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1022 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

She refuses to entertain that thought as she feels she knows what they are going to say.
does she want to heal?

FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5971 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

As I see IC as part of the answer, unfortunately to my BW it is not. She refuses to entertain that thought as she feels she knows what they are going to say.

I'm sorry, but to me this says she'd rather stay in limbo than move forward. Why ask for suggestions if she isn't going to listen to them? If she wants to heal, then she has to work at it too. It's unfortunate and definitely not fair, but it's true.

Choices, Chances, Changes.....You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.

Posts: 13805 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
New Member
Member # 40997
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

When a person eat something and gets intoxicated the body learn to "hate" that for a period to protect itself. It's similar to whats happening to your wife. Her body doesnt accept you because of what you did, the trauma you caused her. And she wont be able to live in familiar terms with you as long as her psyche isnt healed. She may be consciously trying to overcome it, and sometimes in her outside it may seem like she did, but what matter is her unconscious. And there theres no political correcteness or "ooh, poor him. i hate seing him suffering". No, her subconscious was developed to protect her and for now you are a taste of something wich makes she puke...
The only two things you can do is:
_be pacient
_be loving


[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:21 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2013
New Member
Member # 40997
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

Oh, and thats why she "triggers" btw.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, November 7th (Thursday)

Hi Sam

I notice your BW hasn''t posted on SI for nearly a year. I would think she could use the support here more than ever. Please suggest for her to come back here to talk with other BSs

WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 852 | Registered: Jul 2012
Topic Posts: 11