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User Topic: fricking loneliness
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

(yep, i'm still going out and being social quite frequently, but...)

It hurts a lot sometimes.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013. Moved ~1000 miles away (as the crow flies) Jul 2014.


Posts: 806 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
Saleschick
Member
Member # 39772
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

same here.....I did a charity event loaded with people 2 week ago. I was miserable. After leaving the event and driving home in the dark, I knew that I had no one waiting for me at home (other than my dog). I knew if I did not ever arrive home no one would care. That being said I am a fighter and I know there are a lot of people like us and they keep telling me it will get better. So I have faith and trust that it will!

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jul 2013
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

I had to get a birthday card for my dad today. I saw one for a husband to give to his wife...it said "to my heart". That made me sad. My heart is alone and no one loves me that way.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3247 | Registered: Dec 2008
Brokenheart777
Member
Member # 38561
Default  Posted: 3:00 AM, September 30th (Monday)

Tons of us feel the same. Having a pet is a huge help. My cat is such a good companion. In time we will find another who is right for us and won't hurt us the way our exs have. Sorry you are feeling lonely. I feel the same often but feel I'm becoming more comfortable with being alone little by little.


ME - A new person
HER - A waining memory
DDay - 2/22/2013
2-3 month EA/PA
Together for 6 years, ready to start my life . . .

"I can fill the flask up, but can't get past us
I'm in the storm, staying strong, but can't get back


Posts: 177 | Registered: Feb 2013
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, September 30th (Monday)

What is helping me right now is a Christmas job I got recently in retail.

I have always enjoyed working with guys in my youth because they are so fun. I had forgotten this for the last 15 years bc XWH was a drag. I have to tell you it is a blast laughing again.

To anyone out there if you can get a part time job in a sports-oriented store for Christmas help,, even though you might be like me ---NOT interested in anyone for a long time---it is still fun to let go of some of the pain and replace with laughter.

Sometimes I come home and I am still laughing --- which is a big change from the last 18 mos of my life -- lonely and pissed.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2049 | Registered: Jan 2012
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, September 30th (Monday)

Oh ho ho, can I ever relate to this. Lonely by myself. Lonely with my friends. Just this low grade hum, always in the background.

The guy I''m "dating" doesn''t live near me right now, and I don''t have an end date for the LDR. Soon? Soonish? Idk. So no cure there.

I had the opportunity to be with my best girlfriend over the last few weeks (I was temporarily working in the city in which she lives). And lo and behold, not lonely. Not once with her, her husband and her kids (they are for all intents and purposes my family now, and her husband was equally betrayed my xWH so there are some strong bonds there).

So yeah, the light and fluffy and superficial will momentarily entertain me, but the cure for that loneliness? True bonds. Idk if this is partly an introvert thing (it takes work to feel close to people, and energy that I don''t always have nor want to expend unless I''m sure of you).

I went the dog route. He''s my little boon companion. Me and Little Dude against the world.

Just so you know, there was a time that every week I posted my "weekly whine", oh hey there SI, it''s Cayc, back to moan and groan and get some hugs. NB-er''s carried me through. Keep posting, even if you''re saying the same stuff each time. It''s okay. All of us know what it''s like to go in circles for seemingly forever. Until the day it stops, and it will, I promise.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3053 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, September 30th (Monday)

cayc, I think you're on to something with the idea of the true bonds. And I hope that getting myself out there will foster some new friendships that will eventually lead to that.

Also, it tells me that I need to make sure I maintain the bonds I have with my daughter.

There's also this idea of learning to love yourself and be happy with yourself, and from what I've read an essential part of it is learning to not run away from or distract yourself from the bad feelings and the loneliness, but to simply allow them to happen. Preferably even practice allowing them to happen with no distractions (so basically meditating).

homewrecked, that's an interesting point, and I _do_ feel a little better when I'm around people. it's just that it's temporary. :)

tabitha, that is very sad. :(

Sales, I think it does get better if you're doing the right things for yourself. It just has the possibility of taking a long time...

But hey (shifting the focus back on myself), I'm also doing some other self improvement things that are long term, and the time will pass anyway, so may as well keep them up.

...

I will keep posting.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013. Moved ~1000 miles away (as the crow flies) Jul 2014.


Posts: 806 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, September 30th (Monday)

((((Probable)))) I understand, too. Sorry you're hurting.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24926 | Registered: Aug 2011
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, September 30th (Monday)

Me too. Hanging in there, too. This may be just one of those plains of lethal flatness, and I'm hoping to find my peace again. ugh.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3078 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
justabrokendream
Member
Member # 3075
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, September 30th (Monday)

my dog is my solace - I love her more than my ex-H or any of my prior relationships - she's loyal, loving and all the things my ex's weren't.

She treats me better than my son - but I'll give him a pass right now since he's 16.

Sorry for the t/j - hugs to you.....

[This message edited by justabrokendream at 12:04 PM, September 30th (Monday)]


Posts: 303 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: CA
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, September 30th (Monday)

I have amazing people around me, really great, true friends. Great dog. Kids that keep me constantly going.

But...that special connection to another person is missing. I do miss it. But not enough to just jump into a relationship just for the sake of having a relationship. So, an underlining hum of disconnect. I have heard twice this week, "You make being a single mom look easy!" I wanted to . Outside people, especially married people, are clueless. So, yes, they are my friends, but really have no idea what my life is really like.

I think it is perfectly fine to miss having that kinda of connection to another person that isn't necessarily filled with friends and animals. We are human, we are supposed to have connections.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4110 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, September 30th (Monday)

Yep. I have my dogs, and my best friend ( totally platonic male friend).

My family is always there if I need them, but they have busy lives of their own.

It's there. Get ready for the holidays - it's always worse then. Nothing sucks donkey balls more than being alone on Christmas Day.

We should make a Christmas card with that saying.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7535 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, September 30th (Monday)

Right there with you and this is so true...

Outside people, especially married people, are clueless. So, yes, they are my friends, but really have no idea what my life is really like.

It's a no win, my guy friends even my family members that are men all say, 7yrs your free you can do what you want but they have no idea. I'm to the point where I just stop even trying to get them to understand because they can't.

And as has already been stated I am not looking forward to the holidays this year.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1891 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Saleschick
Member
Member # 39772
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, September 30th (Monday)

The two of us always went away and traveled to for Holidays and since I have no family local at all, I will be alone and assume it will suck. I am mentally preparing for it to be me the dog and whatever festivities I can find to watch on TV.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jul 2013
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, September 30th (Monday)

I suppose it's a good thing I can't currently drink alcohol. :)


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013. Moved ~1000 miles away (as the crow flies) Jul 2014.


Posts: 806 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

I am currently sick as a dawg and single.....which REALLY sucks being a single mom and sick. I would kill to have someone dote over me and take care of me and help me with my daughter so I can moan and whine and be properly sick and resting....but alas...I cannot. I've been single now for a year and a half. I was in a "rebound" relationship after my XWH that resulted in the birth of my daughter...who was a big SURPRISE.....but a good one!

Do I like being single? Not really. Do I wish I could find someone? OF COURSE! Have I had offers? Definitely. But, I won't settle. That is the key. You have to be picky to find true happiness. Don't be with someone to try to fill some void that you think you have. If you are trying to do that..... than you are supposed to be alone. Its when you don't feel that you have a void......when you will be ready to date. I'm working on myself....running....racing... taking care of my child... and hoping that one day... it will all be enough. And, when it is..... I will meet him. Until then.... I will just endure the loneliness with stride. You can do it too. One. day. at. a. time.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2716 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

I think it's okay to want a sense of community at least, but of course that's what the socializing and volunteering and so on are for. To move closer to that.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013. Moved ~1000 miles away (as the crow flies) Jul 2014.


Posts: 806 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

There's a huge difference between being alone and being lonely.

I didn't choose to be on this path, but it's the one I'm on and I'm walking it the best I can. Yes....there are times where the "one-ness" becomes overwhelming and at those times I hug my animals close and call a friend. I've been blessed with amazing friends who are happy to walk with me for a bit on my path to support me.

I'm really good most of the time because I "fulfill" myself 95% of the time. I'm happy with my life. Do I also miss that special connection with someone? Yes...but I know we will find each other when it's supposed to happen and until then I'm tackling my issues and exploring new and different experiences.

As for the holidays........the first Christmas alone I did a "Transformer" movie marathon. The second I did "Leverage" and this year I'm doing the Marvel movies marathon. I even put up a small Christmas tree last year and this year I'm in the mood to decorate some for the upcoming holidays.

My biggest worry is that I'll die and no-one finds me until the dogs and cats have started eating on me because they are hungry. I haven't found anyone who I feel comfortable with yet to call every day just to let them know I'm still alive and kicking.

Yes...those "lonely times" suck. But the old saying "fulfillness comes from within" is very true. I don't EVER want to think I have to depend on someone else to be fulfilled.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6506 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Topic Posts: 18