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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: No sign of "unfulfilled"
erzulie
Member
Member # 3293
Concerned  Posted: 9:33 AM, September 30th (Monday)

So I took down my box of cards and letters I've kept over the years from WH. I know, a little self-tortuous ... but, the greatest emotional torture I feel right now is how he re-classified our entire marriage. I was happy, fulfilled, joyous. Many of our friends have told me that if they were asked, "who do you know that is married and truly happy?", that they would be quick to mention me and my WH. So, I've wracked my brain, trying to figure out if I missed any signs somewhere ...

So, I look through the cards just from the last year or two. He wrote many things ... "you are the wife of my dreams", "I am so blessed", "thank you for blessing me with your unyielding love", "I am so lucky", "I get to spend the rest of my life with you", "I am the happiest man alive", and "my love, trust, honesty and heart are all yours, forever".

No sign anywhere, not in any month of any year, that there was a deficit in this gushing of adoration. Certainly no signs of "I am unfulfilled", "I am not getting enough sex", "I can't talk to you", or "we bicker all the time".

Was he lying every time he told me he loved me?

[This message edited by erzulie at 9:34 AM, September 30th (Monday)]


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
chikastuff
Member
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, September 30th (Monday)

This is such a hard question to answer. I tell myself that it wasn't me he was lying to, it was himself. They lie because they can't be true to themselves.

I think waywards are often in the moment people. They compartmentalize, so while they're with you, or sending you flowers, or thinking of you, they really DO love you. But as soon as they think about something else, they shut off your compartment and they "love" the next thing. And I think they lack the attachment instinct that ties people together.

I struggle with the same thought. A lot. Because I truly did love him. Even with all of his imperfections. But I recognize that my feelings of love and attachment are my own instinctive feelings and he fundamentally lacks those things, along with a conscience and sense of empathy.


Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, September 30th (Monday)

I gave him back all those cards and letters. No use for them anymore.

Agree about the compartmentalization thing too. We were basically snowjobbed...


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17535 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, September 30th (Monday)

Chickastuff nailed it describing my experience too. I received a lovely, and spontaneous: "you are the best thing that ever happened to me" note, the day before Dday


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4133 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, September 30th (Monday)

What Chikastuff said.

But I recognize that my feelings of love and attachment are my own instinctive feelings and he fundamentally lacks those things, along with a conscience and sense of empathy.

Especially this. If you see people as being functional objects, you can't love them in the way a normal human can.

I love my coffee-maker. When I say that I mean I love what it does for me. I'm attached to it. If I moved it would go with me, I wouldn't do anything I know would break it and I proudly display it on my kitchen counter.

If it stopped working tomorrow I would be upset but only because it's not giving me what I need at that moment (a fresh cup of coffee). If it became clear that it wasn't going to do what I wanted to do anymore or that it would take a lot of effort to get it to work again, I would toss it in the garbage in a minute and try to replace it as soon as I could. I would "mourn" the loss of my coffeemaker for as long as it took me to find a suitable replacement. I "love" my coffee maker as much as a person can love an inanimate object. I think that is the type of "love" people like him have.

I think my ex is so twisted that this is love for him. He isn't capable of anything more. He doesn't *really* love the way one person should love another, but he lies to himself and others by giving his shallow feelings and attachments the same name.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, September 30th (Monday)

I absolutely can relate to this post.

NOBODY in this world loved their wife more than XWH. People were JEALOUS. They wanted to be us. My friends told me after D-day that they used to think "I wish my H loved me as much as XWH loved SparkySable"

In fact, on D-day, I looked at the counter in the kitchen, and there were the beautiful bouquet of flowers he had brought home, because he had been being a jerk that week. Those fucking flowers. 9 days before D-day, he had given me a Mother's Day card with "I'll love you forever, and I sure hope you know it". REALLY?

So when you say this:

No sign anywhere, not in any month of any year, that there was a deficit in this gushing of adoration.
I get it 100%. And THIS is why I'm so fucked up over it.

The only thing that gives me some comfort is that I did research on sociopaths and NPD, and they get a high of of conning people, and people are just players in their little "game". I figure I was the victim of a sociopath, and back when I met him, I was young and naive and ripe for the picking. As I started getting older and more aware of the world, I wasn't serving his purposes anymore. Cue OW's entrance.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3415 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, September 30th (Monday)

It is highly likely he was doing what he felt he had to do to keep you in the relationship. NPDs are excellent mimics. They mimic emotions, having none of their own. They also avoid self-introspection. Because their focus is on ego kibbles. They will do what it takes to stay on the gravy train. If it sounds cold and heartless, it is.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29666 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
laney57
Member
Member # 35617
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, September 30th (Monday)

This is a very helpful thread erzulie. I am really starting to understand and believe that it was not US. I've been in this "what did I do"? Spiral for way too long. It's time for us to all see the light! Hugs


Update 09/28/14
Me - BS, 44
Him - WH, 46
Married - 23 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me still
Gotta do this, but I'm broken - headed for divorce - 02/20
Hell if I know - 02/24
Divorcing 09/28/14

Posts: 230 | Registered: May 2012 | From: KY
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, September 30th (Monday)

I think waywards are often in the moment people. They compartmentalize, so while they're with you, or sending you flowers, or thinking of you, they really DO love you. But as soon as they think about something else, they shut off your compartment and they "love" the next thing. And I think they lack the attachment instinct that ties people together.

I think this analysis is right on, as well as Kiblz's. I too was flabbergasted when my STBXWW informed me--as I literally begged her to stop this insanity and come back to her loving family--that she was "unhappy for most of the marriage."

I too have all those cards and notes expressing the precise opposite--a nearly point-by-point "rebuttal" to everything negative she has ever said about our marriage. It hurts, for sure. But she/he/they are truly troubled individuals. To have this incredible capacity to flat-out fabricate, rewrite, and compartmentalize does indeed reveal very serious attachment issues and personality-disorder.

When I first found all those letters--only a few months ago--it destroyed me for a few days. I felt like D-day all over again--just shocking betrayal. I walked alone around our empty house holding those cards, crying, and talking aloud to her: "See? What in the world are you talking about? We were a great couple! We always said we were! Everyone said we were! And you damn well know it!"

But now I can look at those same cards and sentiments and just feel sad at the tragedy and waste of it all. What unhappy people they must be, and what emotional gymnastics they must have to run themselves through to create and sustain this fiction.

And this is just one of the many reasons I knew I had to divorce. I always thought we were so alike. And we were. But ultimately not in the most important of all ways.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, September 30th (Monday)

I, too, have cards like that from my STBX. But you know what? I gave him lovey-dovey cards, too, even when I knew things were wrong, were broken. I had hopes that if I just kept on acting as if everything was okay, I could make it okay.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
hurtbs
Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, September 30th (Monday)

I have a card from my ex H from two weeks before the start of the A that said things like "You're the love of my life." 'I'm so happy with you." "I'm so excited for our life together." etc etc. A month after he wrote that, I got the ILYBNILWY speech and the "I haven't felt connected/happy/whatever bullshit for a long time."

Affairs aren't about rationality. Think about it, if they legitimately were thinking "I'm not happy... x, y, z are unsatisfying." then they would actually do something about it, instead of scramble for reasons after the fact.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
ideservebetter45
Member
Member # 36951
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, September 30th (Monday)

Same here. Tons of cards and love letters. People said we were the perfect couple.we were on a family vacation one month before i found out about the affair..I don't get it..I just don't.

Posts: 162 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: ideservebetter45
FieldsOfLavender
Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, September 30th (Monday)

But I recognize that my feelings of love and attachment are my own instinctive feelings and he fundamentally lacks those things, along with a conscience and sense of empathy.

This describes my cheating husband. He's a sociopath and lacks empathy.


Posts: 198 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
thenon-goddess
Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, September 30th (Monday)

I love my coffee-maker. When I say that I mean I love what it does for me. I'm attached to it. If I moved it would go with me, I wouldn't do anything I know would break it and I proudly display it on my kitchen counter.

If it stopped working tomorrow I would be upset but only because it's not giving me what I need at that moment (a fresh cup of coffee). If it became clear that it wasn't going to do what I wanted to do anymore or that it would take a lot of effort to get it to work again, I would toss it in the garbage in a minute and try to replace it as soon as I could. I would "mourn" the loss of my coffeemaker for as long as it took me to find a suitable replacement. I "love" my coffee maker as much as a person can love an inanimate object. I think that is the type of "love" people like him have.

I still have a hard time with the "love" aspect of our M, but this analogy really nailed it for me and I understand in a way I didn't before. Thank you!

It also kind if explains the tired line if "I love you but I'm not in love with you." The "in love" in their case being the kind of love that "normal" people have and express.


Status: divorcing - I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Posts: 1249 | Registered: Feb 2011
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, September 30th (Monday)

I think many of us have this same experience... A few weeks prior to dday I was away with the kids on vacation and the Dooosh was lamenting on Facebook "I wish my family was here- way too quiet without them" or some crap. Then there were the phone calls of "I wish you were home already" and him meeting us at the gate in the airport with a boquet of flowers for me, a delicious meal waiting, and his hands all over me once we got the kids to bed because "I missed my wife so much!!"

Ehh, sure you did buddy.

As for all the cards expressing his devotion and love for his wife?? Well yes I have loads of them. So much for his 20 years of misery being married to me..

It's all horseshit. They lie to cover up lies, and expect everyone to believe the bullshit coming out of their mouths because they believe it. They have to, otherwise the enormity of what has transpired, and the cost of it all, would be too much for them to handle.

[This message edited by PurpleRose at 9:17 PM, September 30th (Monday)]


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
thebighurt
Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, September 30th (Monday)

This is so true in my M too! What Housefulloflove said hits it on the head. I had never thought of it that way, but he is VERY quick to throw anything away when it no longer suits his purpose. He was angry with me if I suggested it could be re-purposed, dismantled and good parts saved, or donated. He even wanted to scrap anything that was still perfectly good if it was something that was infrequently used, saying that if it was ever needed again, we could buy another! So, I guess I was just the coffeemaker he was tired of having in his kitchen like Housefulloflove said.

My bday was barely a month before DDay and I got a lovely card saying, "A little love letter to my Wife". Things had been strained, so I asked him if he meant it and he said he did and gave me a kiss. Two days before he saw the L and filed, then came home to admit what he had been doing and tell me he was leaving for one of them, he wanted to discuss our future; the immediate future, the next winter, and the rest of our lives. After his admission, I asked him why he had done that when he obviously already had that plan and the L appointment and he stammered until he came out with, "I, I, I, I, I'm making bad decisions". Well, NO SHIT!!!


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2386 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
Too_Trusting
Member
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)

I see this differently than the other posters. While I agree that NPD has difficulty really feeling ANYTHING sincerely like "normal" people, I still say his rewriting of the marriage is just to assuage his guilt. He can't stand that he has been found out to be the louse he is, and he's making excuses.


"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 2482 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)

It is highly likely he was doing what he felt he had to do to keep you in the relationship. NPDs are excellent mimics. They mimic emotions, having none of their own. They also avoid self-introspection. Because their focus is on ego kibbles. They will do what it takes to stay on the gravy train.
This is exactly it! It's like an actor in a play, reading a script, thinking "how can I make this part REALLY convincing?" Except this play is our life, and we're the unaware supporting actors.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3415 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Oh good lord, I just realized that I was merely a Mr. Coffee coffee maker.

This learning and realizing shit just never stops, does it?


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
thebighurt
Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Oh good lord, I just realized that I was merely a Mr. Coffee coffee maker.

I'm so sorry, cayc, but welcome to the Island of Broken Coffee Makers.


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2386 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
erzulie
Member
Member # 3293
Wink  Posted: 9:58 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)

I wish I could give everyone here a giant hug. You have no idea how helpful you all are to me.

It seems my experience is not so unique after all. While it's no comfort to consider that so many others have experienced similar things - it is still a relief, admittedly for me, on some level to know I'm not alone on this island of insanity.

But now I can look at those same cards and sentiments and just feel sad at the tragedy and waste of it all. What unhappy people they must be, and what emotional gymnastics they must have to run themselves through to create and sustain this fiction.

I have had these very same thoughts. I have tried to imagine the exhaustion that lying and compartmentalizing, day in and day out, must cause. How COULD anyone be happy when this was how they spent the bulk of their energy?

And this is just one of the many reasons I knew I had to divorce. I always thought we were so alike. And we were. But ultimately not in the most important of all ways.

Abbondad - you are absolutely right. I thought WH and I were so alike, so perfect for each other ... in fact, I often said just that - "you're not perfect, neither am I, but we're perfect together". I think the reality is that our WSs were playing the role of someone perfect for us - which, turns out, is actually rather disparate from who they truly are. I am sure on some level each of our WSs wanted to be that person they played, and maybe wanted to feel the things they told us over and over that they felt.

So, maybe that is a source of comfort in a way. Yes, they gave us fiction, and that fiction hurts. But, my experience still constituted love. I'm sure yours did as well - how could it not, with the loving people that we all are? Now, our WSs? I don't even know how to classify what their experience must have been, other than pathological and sad. But at least we didn't live in that world - and we also have the free choice to not live in it for the future, either.

I am not going to allow this experience to define me. I continue to experience love every day - and I know my life will be full of it. My family, my friends, my dogs, and my hope for the future.

Group hug.

[This message edited by erzulie at 10:00 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)]


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Yeah I had those too. But when I saw emails to the OW it felt like a carbon copy of what he was saying to me at the time. I even knew it was being ramped up too much the lovey dovey stuff.

One time I searched his phone when I was just suspecting a certain OW at that time and I heard the ringtone he had for her....stupid as this sounds a few days later we were out doing errands and he wanted to hold my hand and looked at me with all love and joy in his eyes and wanted me to hear the new ringtone he had for me.

It was the same ringtone for the OW only he did not know that I knew. It was so weird to me that he thought that was so cool and I only saw how really bad this whole thing was.

So in my sitch my WS was fulfilled on both fronts during his A and he would almost use the same love bombing with both of us. It was like in hyper drive and it would cross over in his mind.


Posts: 5679 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

I have the cards and letters as well.
I also have the cards he gave me with no personal note inside and not even signed.
I could re-use those.
I found the astrological chart that he did for us. This was just after I found the chart for him and MOW.
I also found a note from him that really, really closely mirrored an email I saw from him to MOW.

He told me he had never been in love before until he met her and that I should be happy for him that he now knows that he is capable of love.

I bet his ex wife also has the same love bomb letters from him.

He is the most unoriginal person in the world and it would just kill him if he knew that people think of him this way. He thinks he's unique.

erzulie, the more you read on here the more you realize it's like hearing your own story over and over and over again.
There are variations but they all basically follow the same script.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
D-Day April 18, 2011
Him:out Sept. 11, 2011
He moved to Europe June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1422 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

On my way to a much needed session with my IC, so I didn't read all the replies... but I had to respond to your post.

I had a similar pile of cards from XWH. Every birthday, Valentines, anniversary, just because etc. All were loaded with the same heartfelt sentiment, both by the printed words on the cards he chose, and the personal things he would write inside. His cards always made me cry with the joy and love they made me feel. Always.

While I was going through our joint paperwork, files etc and packing up what needed to go with him, I got an empty file folder and labeled it "LIES YOU TOLD". I put all the cards in it. Every single one. And packed it with the rest of his stuff.

I doubt it gave him so much as a moment's pause when he found it, but I don't care. Maybe OW found it, since he moved in directly with her and I'm sure she helped him unpack. I don't care about that either. To me those cards became nothing more than toxic lies, poison I knew I would torture myself with, like you are doing. I wanted it gone, along with him. I have never regretted this or wished I had the cards back.

Please don't let his words from your past tear down your present.

((erzulie))
Hugs. I know how bad it hurts.

[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 12:37 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 919 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
jackfish
Member
Member # 40257
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

OP, erzulie
You did nothing wrong and you did fulfill him. The problem is what's inside each individual person. My stbxw bragged me up on her facebook wall, as early as last winter. I had the same cards, notes, little "between us" things. There were no signs either.....EXCEPT......she was one troubled human being, and that was beyond my control. And it always was but it snowballed within the last few years. Dysthymia/Depression. Weight gain/Weight Loss. Sleep 12 hours/little to no sleep. Taking various pills. Chain smoking. Troubled person who had talked suicide, felt no one would care if she was gone, etc. You name it, she told me. AND, she told me it had NOTHING to do with me nor my sons. She shared this stuff with me various times long before her affair. She showed symptoms of being biploar, and I was the co-dependant husband, going overboard to ""help"" her. I knew she was capable of being a good liar and other "sins", but never thot she'd have an affair! And worse, behave the way the is acting at present.

So, as far as the affair and this "fog" goes (as we so call it), I truly believe it is an escape to run away from her problems/her true feelings, etc etc. to gain some sort of "Happiness". Like a long vacation. She is lost and well, I wish her the best, but she'll need to deal with her "self" eventually. Cuz once this knew novelty wears off, I just KNOW she's gonna re-visit those same demons.

So, my point is, it is/was not your fault, EVER. It is within each person's head, and to me, they do not know how to be happy, and carry around so much bad in their brains, that of course they will blame/leave, etc the one's closest to them!

[This message edited by jackfish at 12:47 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2013
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

(((erzulie)))

I'm so sorry to see your update from the past few weeks. And... there is nothing that I can tell you that you don't already know... even if you don't know that you know it. All I can tell you is to trust in yourself and to keep faith in yourself.

Your marriage was something that you believed in. It was something that you fought for. To you, your marriage was what you put into it. That makes your marriage as real as your love, your generosity, and your devotion. Whatever your WH did to screw that up has no bearing on what you put into it. It has no bearing on what you chose to believe in. You believed in something... and you let that belief be real enough to you to impact your life and who you are for the better. That makes it pretty damned important. And nobody can take that away from you.

Trust yourself. You're gonna be okay.

[This message edited by SerJR at 8:18 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17109 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

I sometimes wonder this as well-- did they ever love us? What WAS that all about?

Slight t/j:

When I look back at who XWH dated before me, I am not his "type." The two women he dated before me were very petite in every way. They looked like you could break them. The Owife is also just like his previous GFs physically.

I'm the exact opposite: taller than average, bigger bust, about as far from "dainty" as you could imagine (not heavy but not a twig). So, what was that all about? Was I some sort of phase or walk on the wild side for him? If so, why hang around for 17 years when he knew that wasn't what he really wanted?

The other thing they had in common, though, may be the deciding factor-- they are/were messed up people. They had serious FOO issues, some mental health problems, etc. Maybe that's what appeals to him-- he likes being a KISA and feeling strong when a girl leans on him. That was never me, and I was probably too independent for him. But again-- why? Why bother with me? Why stick around so long?

I don't know what the hell they want or what they meant or if they ever meant anything sincerely. What I do know is that they are good at putting on masks to get through their lives until they can find someone to take the mask off for-- someone who will accept their depravities.

But, don't spend too much time trying to figure it out. We can't figure out people who behave in ways that are so foreign to our moral codes. We'll never get a real answer to our why.

(((erzulie)))


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
AussieMum
Member
Member # 36579
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, October 4th (Friday)

I have the cards full of his bullshit. One in particular he gave me on our 10th anniversary in Jan 12:

"To my Darling AussieMum, I'm so lucky to have such a beautiful, caring and loving wife. Looking forward to the next ten together with you and our family, love always JerkFace xxxx"

5 months later he got himself a girlfriend and told me he'd been unhappy for 'years' and I was a 'devious, controlling bitch'

He's the ultimate pretender.



Me 46
ExH 51
EA Jun-Aug 12 (OW1)FB flirting and then EA/PA with OW2 (Aug-Dec 12). New OW Jan 13, introduced her to the kids immediately.
Married 10 years, together 14yrs
2 kids (DS11 & DD7)
Separated Jan 13. Divorced Jun 14

Posts: 180 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 28