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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Now what....... my poor DD
trebleclef
Member
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, September 30th (Monday)

my DD is going through in-house separation hell with her STBXWH, due to financially desperate straights. They take turns staying in the house with the kids. According to their mediated separation agreement there is to be no personal contact between them except re: children/finances and via email or text only.
HE "does not want the D" so is making life unbearable. He has pushed his way into the house, stood in her bedroom, yelled obscenities at her in front of the preschoolers, put his fist through the wall, picked the lock on her bedroom,torn things up, refused to leave, threatened her guests, searched her room etc etc etc . Police have been called twice when he had no business being there and refused to leave. He's always "sorry he lost it".

She has beefed up the agreement, but the bottom line is that if he gets ranty - an agreement means nada.

This weekend we were away at a family wedding. He asked if he could have access to the house to do some fix-it jobs ( tile, painting) in prep for selling the house. She agreed, with the explicit reminder that he was not to touch her things.
When we got home late last night, he had cleaned out her room, gone through every last item of her belongings as he moved all of her personal things to the basement, and held a garage sale and sold many of their shared belongings without her permission. And all, once again, in violation of their agreement. (Of course there was no "tile work" done.)

She feels so incredibly violated and unsafe in her own home. She has no idea where her underwear, pills or bowling stuff is. She never knows when he is going to show up and make a scene in front to the kids - who, LAST week went to bed crying because they were scared of Daddy.

I convinced her to look into an R.O. or a P.O. TODAY, because I have no idea how she is going to make him stop violating the agreement, on her own. (He's a foot taller and has 100 lbs on her) And he has proven over and over that the agreements about conduct and boundaries mean squat.

Unfortunately she got the brush-off from the police because he hasn't threatened or physically hurt them.
ANY ideas out there as to what to do next would be greatly appreciated!

[This message edited by trebleclef at 4:17 PM, September 30th (Monday)]


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, September 30th (Monday)

I should think she could press charges for theft.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9665 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
neverbeokay
Member
Member # 8275
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, September 30th (Monday)

I'm sure other folks will be along with advice, but IMHO it sounds like his behavior is escalating and she needs an escape plan. If the kids are frightened of their own father he is out of control. Maybe a domestic violence hotline or women's shelter could give her some advice on how to proceed.

Financial straights or not she should try to get exclusive use of the house. Does she have a lawyer? If not it would be well worth the money.

Hope she's okay.


Posts: 293 | Registered: Sep 2005
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, September 30th (Monday)

Get a monitored home security system, so he can't just come into her house.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13753 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
trebleclef
Member
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, September 30th (Monday)

Hadn't thought of that NG!
That might be a possibility, even though he can claim 1/2 ownership. He DID leave $200 on the counter - but who knows what he made selling the stuff. And the point is, he did this all in an underhanded manner.


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, September 30th (Monday)

Unfortunately she got the brush-off from the police because he hasn't threatened or physically hurt them.

It may be different there, but I was able to get an RO because of continual harassment. I had voicemail recordings, written notes, a printout from work of incoming calls (over 2000), etc...to show an escalating pattern of behavior.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13753 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
trebleclef
Member
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, September 30th (Monday)

I think a visit to the women's shelter may be very informative. And its one block from my house.Ill try to get her there today.

Unfortunately, LH, it is HIS house as well and they are having to take turns using it, while trying to avoid each other. It could be done, but not if one party continually violates the agreed plan for use. Where we are, she can't lock him out of the house - he has a right to access. So the agreement was to lay out the when and where and conditions of access for both of them, but seems to be a colossal fail

She is working today on documentation.

[This message edited by trebleclef at 4:30 PM, September 30th (Monday)]


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, September 30th (Monday)

Check with the local women's shelter. Also have her look into getting temporary orders for exclusive use of the home.
And have her make sure to keep her L apprised of all of his tomfoolery because the current situation is obviously NOT working. I can't believe the jackass sold her shit. I would be livid if I were in her shoes!

Tell her to call the cops on his jerk ass every.single.time that he gets ranty with her....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8005 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
trebleclef
Member
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, September 30th (Monday)

All excellent pieces of advice SI peeps. We will continue checking into all possibilities. Unfortunately the fact that they have had to claim bankruptcy. ( oh yeah, and he's a financial Planner ) means they have barely funds for food let alone attorneys. Trying to work a do-it-yourself D. NO $ for lawyers. Such a mess.


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
trebleclef
Member
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Well, my daughter spent the day trying to find out what she can do. In a nutshell - nothing. She cant get an R.O or a P.O. because he has not hit her or the kids. Apparently other than that, he can do whatever he wants on, in, or with their property because he has rights. He has already told her he plans to have another garage sale this weekend and sell more of their stuff, and apparently he gets to even if its half hers. The ONLY recourse she has is to go to a women's shelter, not even to my house because its not safe enough and she cant apply for temp custody unless she registers at the W's emergency shelter. So, she either has to continue to live in fear and frustration at his repeated and escalating violations of their agreement, or pack up the kids, immediately shut down her daycare business that she runs out of her home, and move to the emergency shelter. So that is what she is doing while I keep her kidlets overnight tonight. They may never sleep in their own little beds again. And now she is out of a job and has $98 to
her name.

She was actually told at the courthouse today that until and unless there was evidence of physical harm to her or the kids, absolutely nothing could be done to protect them, but that if that happened, she could be charged for not protecting them.

Kinda feels like using an atom bomb when a broom would do, but apparently there IS no broom, only nothing, or the atom bomb.

My heart hurts for us all.

[This message edited by trebleclef at 12:55 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

OR.....she could rent a storage locker to put her important shit in (what she has left anyways....). Or take it to your place.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8005 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

If she has the money to rent a moving truck then she needs to back one up to her front door & start throwing her shit in there ASAP. Get it the F out of the house so he can't get his hands on it. If he can sell it then she can "not sell" it (aka keep it).


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9665 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
trebleclef
Member
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Well-she's in the womens shelter with the kids. And just as she was packed up and headed there someone informed her that she could get charged with kidnapping and lose custody. Just great. Stay and risk getting charged with putting the kids at risk, go and get charged with kidnapping.

And now my other DD and DIL are both at her - one for hesitating and the other for making a mountain out of a molehill. And I'm stuck in the middle.

[This message edited by trebleclef at 12:46 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
Topic Posts: 13