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Just Found Out
User Topic: Want to tell him to move out
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, September 30th (Monday)

Recently had 4th dday where he tells me that an added component to his staying in contact with her was that she started him on cocaine, that after the third dday he stayed connected so he could buy from her and that they actually just talked and didn't meet. Still ended his convos with her with I love yous though, and still talked not just to arrange purchases. Had his brother confront him today.
I have been supportive of him getting help.
WH was just an ass to me on the phone!
I want to tell him to pack up and move out tonight.
Is this right? He is scared of the road to come, taking this crutch out of his life. But he has been using (occasionally he say) for two years, connected with he for two years and it didn't start with the cocaine, it started with him needing wanting attention from her. The one he had a five year affair with ten years ago.

I am traumatized. I want to be a good person. I want to be supportive of someone's need to recover...but he was just an ass on the phone? WTF There is nothing left in my emotional well, it is dry.
His brother focused on the cocaine and this contact with OW is now insignificant....and he gets compassion and pity and attention and I am left with...
an asshole on the phone.

He was short and curt and there was no compassion for me...it was all about how he had to endure his brothers censure and how he was so overwhelmed already at work and that if I had nothing good to say he had stuff to do. Nothing about me and how I feel.
Nothing about how he recognizes the mess he has made...nothing to get me through the day.

I want to tell him to pack his stuff and get out. I don't care where he goes (but I really do damn me).

Am I really just supposed to give all to him and his bad choices? And not get back loving gratitude but irritation and shortness?

I am beyond frustrated.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2013 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 442 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Midwest
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, September 30th (Monday)

Hefty bag his shit and throw it out on the lawn. Call his brother and tell him that he has a houseguest for the unforeseeable future because you aren''t putting up with your WHs crap for one more moment.

That ASS lied to you, cheated on you, got himself addicted to drugs, and is now snapping and snarling at you because of HIS bad decisions. FTG!

See a lawyer tomorrow as well. Your WH doesn''t deserve you.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4128 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, September 30th (Monday)

I'm so sorry you are back at square one, again. I read your profile, and it appears as if your WH is not repentant, and you will continue to live in A hell.

I rarely encourage D, as I strongly believe in working it out, as long as the WS is repentant. Here's my take on your situation, FWIW:

The only chance your WH has at getting a rectocraniotomy (get his head out of his arse) is if he has to smell the roses. 180 him, kick him out, and move on with your live. You don't deserve to be treated like that.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, September 30th (Monday)

Forth time's the charm!

Skan is right on with this one. My sentiments exactly. Except, why should you put it in bags?

He's had more chances than he should have gotten already. Take some firm action, and mean it. You have too, to save or end the marriage. His choice now.

[This message edited by fourever at 4:44 PM, September 30th (Monday)]


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 855 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, September 30th (Monday)

Everything I read about addictions over the last two days since finding out says to not lecture them, be understanding, show loving support...

But nothing about when adultery or ea or ps or combo is involved.

No book on that.

There has to be something else to do other than give give give to them.
Or can you just not expect anything from them, does it have to be all about them and you (me) just continue to be a doormat? What is the good person thing to do while still respecting yourself?


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2013 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 442 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Midwest
hathnofury
Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, September 30th (Monday)

There has to be something else to do other than give give give to them.
Or can you just not expect anything from them, does it have to be all about them and you (me) just continue to be a doormat? What is the good person thing to do while still respecting yourself?

The answer is boundaries. The problem is many people don't know the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum. The difference is a boundary is what you need to stay in the marriage/in the house during separation/etc (There must be NC for me to stay in the M, because I won't stay in a marriage without respect and safety) and an ultimatum is a threat (if you break NC, I will throw you out). It gets confusing because consequences of breaking boundaries are often similar to what we would say in delivering an ultimatum (because you broke my boundary of NC, we can no longer stay in the same home. You must leave.)

But back to the OP, I'm with Skan. Time to Hefty his crap. 4th DDay, and drugs are involved? That's what I call fourth down and punt.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
headdesk
Member
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, September 30th (Monday)

1. You can't change his drug habit, he has to want to. He doesn't want to.

2. 4th time? Yeah, that's a scary pattern.

3. The kids. A lot of the time we stick around our spouse for the kids, but in the case of them being exposed to drugs/behaviours of addictions? That's scary. Do what you need to do to secure their safety. That doesn't always mean D, but if he has no interest in changing...

I agree - I also would pack stuff for him, change the locks and leave it at that. If he comes into the home that is just that much more trauma that you'll have to deal with, on top of the issues that he may take stuff you don't want him to or destroy stuff if he's that type. Get some friends if need be and make it all happen when he least expects it to keep you safe. Also consider getting temporary emergency custody of the kids, based on drug habit.

Big hugs.


Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
self-rescuer
Member
Member # 35059
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, September 30th (Monday)

He needs to be out of the house - now.

You've more then met your obligation and he continues to bruise your dignity. He should be working HARD to regain your trust. Nothing nasty should ever come out of his lips.

I kicked XH out 6 weeks from d-day. It was a knee jerk reaction to cruel things he had said in MC. It was wildly impulsive but without a doubt the best the decision I ever made!!!


BW 52
WXH 55
married 26 yrs
D-Day 9-15-11

Divorce final 3-13-13

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
~ Goethe


Posts: 480 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south
naivegirl
Member
Member # 14234
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, September 30th (Monday)

This is why friends of mine weren't able to reconcile. All the time and energy went into healing the addicts addiction and the BS could never really heal from the betrayal because his wayward was focused on healing herself. I think infidelity is hard enough to heal from when your spouse is doing everything to support you. Putting an addiction into the mix is something I couldn't deal with.


Me BS 39
Him WH 38

D-day #1 Jan 31 2007
D-Day #2 March 25 2007
Roll on Roll on Roller Coaster
We're one day older and one step closer
Roll on there's mountains to climb
Roll on we're on borrowed time
-Kid Rock

Working on Re


Posts: 1733 | Registered: Apr 2007
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, September 30th (Monday)

No little kids to have to worry about. My son is away at school, thank god.

WH didn't contact me all day, didn't call me before coming home from work, as he usually does, ignored me when he came in and apparently has gone off to his usual Monday basketball game.

I would have listened if he came home and apologized and explained, but to be ignored, to start a possible shunning period is indescribably painful.

I called his cell the minute he left and told him to tell his brother what he wanted me to pack and I would have it on the front porch. Then hung up.

I am awaiting his reaction which will probably be to just come home and ignore me.

If so, tomorrow the locks get changed.

Sorry. Feel bad, want to nurture and love but have to have something in me answered and filled to do that.

Part of me believes that this is just what he wants.

You are all right,
self-rescuer, that is it exactly it, my dignity is bruised.
At this point I can't even describe what I feel anymore. It's like "use your words MIP". I feel so much and so many things at so many times I am overloaded.

I want to stop the fear.
Fear he is cheating, lying, using, fear Ow is going to come at me and shoot me or is just somewhere laughing at me and my naivete.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2013 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 442 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Midwest
exhausted lady
Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)

OMG honey.....4th time and he's using (and being an ass to you as well!!!)

It's time to bounce his butt off the curb. Don't pack his shit for him. Throw it out the front door and let HIM sort it out. He's used and abused you for long enough. You're not his mommy and he's a grown man (or should be). Let him sort out his shit.

You don't need this, and (quite honestly) you don't need him. An abusive, addicted, lying, cheating H is like having an anchor around your neck. You'd be amazed at how much lighter you'll feel a few weeks after he's gone.

Please don't put up with this crap for another single minute. What (if anything) is he bringing to the relationship other than lies and pain? I think you can do better without that in your life.


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3157 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Hefty bag his shit and throw it out on the lawn.

^^^^this^^^^

Don't let him drag you down into the gutter with him.
4th time!, really?, you know that he is emotionally abusing you (possible physical abuse with STD's)

Fourever -

Except, why should you put it in bags?


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 491 | Registered: Mar 2003
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)

((MIP))

You need to get him out of your house, and your life for the time being. He is clearly deluded into thinking you will be more than happy to tolerate anything he says or does.

I honestly am not convinced about the cocaine, but if you have certain carreers it is your responsiblity to throw someone who is known to be using out of your home, and not associate with them. So don't feel guilty, PROTECT YOU!!!! He certainly isn't doing that for you.

If he really is addicted, and this isn't a once in a while, thing, then you have an incredibly hard road to go down if you still are considering R. First he has to deal with his addiction, and if he is unwilling to, there is NOTHING you can say, or do to convince him otherwise.

Get yourself to an attorney pronto, and find out what your financial rights are, because if he is using, sister he is going to burn through savings, retirement, and assests at a pace that will make your head spin. File now, if for some reason he has an epiphany, and awakens to be remorseful, and wanting to get clean, you can put the brakes on, but for now, you need to protect yourself, and your kids.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 6631 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)

(((((((MainlyinPain))))))

You already know the answer...

But nothing about when adultery or ea or ps or combo is involved.

No book on that.

Hello...

Because this situation is untendable.

Let him go. Pack his crap...no...throw his crap in some bags and toss them into the yard. (get some of that anger out!)

What a self absorbed, sorry assed jerk!

And remember don't change the locks, add one. So you don't get in trouble with whoever in the hell says you can't change the locks on anyone who is on title.

Both the front and the back door!

Sometimes when you have been around someone for awhile they will take you for granted. And now that he has made a mess he expects you to eat his shit while he swings out of control.

Don't let him take you down to chaos. Like one of the posters tag line: Chaos isn't a place...its a ladder.

Enough is Enough!

Ditch this loser. Use the ladder and climb out of Chaos. The universe has more in store for you.

I promise


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
kansas1968
Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)

I agree. It is time for him to go. You should not feel the least bit guilty. He has chosen to betray you for years, he chose to do cocain, he chose to have affairs, he chose this and is not remorseful at all.

Get this stress out of your life and start living for you. Become selfish. You deserve to be. You have worried about him for long enough with no appreciation. Not it is time to worry about you. Get to an attorney, get it done, and move into a much more peaceful existenct. Hugs and best wishes on your journey.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1185 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Has he done anything about rehabbing his addiction, or his cheating?

I mean DONE anything.

Any answers for you are in what he is doing, and not doing.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 337 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom in order to see the mess that they are in.

You may think letting him lean on you and treat you like this is helping him. It hasn't worked. You are still sad, he still cheats and is an addict.

I feel for your situation, I am a giver myself, but you cant do this to yourself anymore and it just may help him to stand on his own two feet. He will prob. get worse for a while then he could see the light and get better.

But you need to work on yourself. lean on us. and let him work on himself. ((HUGs))


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013

I am so sorry that you are here and that you are hurting. I am.

Look at your DDays. How much is enough? Only you can answer this for you.

Logically, you know you need to cut him out of your life.

He has not changed or faced his behavior because he has not had to. You have taken him back every time.

All he is supplying you with is excuses, lies and more lies.

There is no remorse in him, no remorse in his behavior, no remorse in the pain he has put you and your son in.

You can not cure his addiction. You can not cure his addiction to infidelity. You can't fix him because you didn't break him. This has nothing about you being a good person (you are) but it has to do with wanting a better, more stable life for you and your son. You owe your son a better existence than this, you do.

You CAN define your boundaries and say NO MORE.

It ends when you say it ends. You have the power to move forward to something better, real, and safe.

Praying for strength and courage for you.

Good luck and God bless.


If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

Posts: 842 | Registered: Apr 2013
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Thank you all for your replies. I am so, so grateful to have you to lean on.
He is just ignoring me as I am him. I am sure in his mind he will fault me for not being all giving to him with his new revelation of his new problem. I in my mind (the better one) think he needs to approach me and tell me what the hell is going on and that he worships the ground I walk on. Don't think that is going to happen soon.
Yet, I am a wimp and have not taken any action. I have been focusing on myself, making some doctors appts for checkups that I have been putting off as I focused on his drama. I have been having pain in my arms and numbness in my fingers for a couple of months now that I bought a couple of wrist braces for to be able to function. Need to really find out the problem.
I put a call in to his psychiatrist to see if he could give me a heads up what what direction he is going in.
I know I shouldn't, but I feel bad, feel like I should be doing something for him. I know I know. I have that 2 x 4 in hand and am hitting my head right now. But i need to take little steps.
It is beginning to sink in finally that I know nothing, nothing for certain. The lying has been so pervasive that there is no one thing that I know for certain, especially not what she really is to him.
His brother told him they are codependents. That was a new idea for me.
I was believing that there has been no sex since 2004, that they were using each other for a mutual admiration society, that she was using him to get money by selling him drugs, but I still see that he has feelings for her and can't let go, still thinks it is great how she makes him feel.
But I realize that no matter what the connection was or is or will be, even if there was no sex since 2004 and just conversation as he says since 2011, this is not acceptable.
What a waste of my life this has all been.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2013 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 442 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Midwest
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Thank you 1faith.
I am not sure what remorse is anymore, what it would look like.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2013 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 442 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Midwest
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 3:46 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

What a waste of my life this has all been.

Nope. Not at all. What an experience this has been.

You have a son and nothing can replace that.

Now is the time to define what life looks like going forward. You get to choose the canvas, the landscape, the colors, if you so choose.

You can't change the past but you sure the hell can define the future. And that should not in any circumstances include an addict husband that will not cut loose the OW. You are much better than that.

His brother told him they are codependents. That was a new idea for me.

So what? That is not justification for any behavior. Sorry doesn't cover what has happened. And if you stay and allow it to continue you too are a co-dependent.

I know it is not easy, please don't misconstrue my words or tone but you can't love him into changing, help him into changing. He has to want to and he doesn't.

Are you prepared to sit around and wait for transformation to be delivered by Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy?

Or are you going take control over the only thing you truly have power over and that is you and your life?

Define healthy and happy for you. This clearly isn't it.

Many hugs and continued prayers.


If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

Posts: 842 | Registered: Apr 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

If the WS balks at NC, they are not serious about reconciliation.

The next indicator of serious commitment to R is expressions of remorse.

Expressions of remorse generally begin with an apology in words, followed by continued expressions in actions.

This can be cards, gifts, being more helpful around the house, showing more affection, loving words, and more apologies. Saying things like "I don’t know what I was thinking", or "how could I have been so stupid?" or "I can’t believe I almost threw away what we had" are expressions of remorse for the affair.

Look for consistency in words and actions. A general change in overall behavior.

A WS serious about reconciliation will consistently be contrite and sorry. Not just on D-day and the following days, but for as long as the BS is receptive to it.

Along with expressions of remorse, there should be a willingness to give the BS what they need to feel safe and begin the healing process.

This is often extremely difficult, especially if the BS needs to know details of the affair. If a person pulled off an affair, it is likely they are quite used to evading and lying to get out of uncomfortable situations.

Answering detailed questions about the affair will bring up intense feelings of guilt, shame and self-loathing. It will be natural for the WS to become defensive or even lie in the beginning. If the BS is gently persistent, explaining that they need the information to rebuild trust, feel safe and begin to heal, a serious reconciler will accept the pain and shame in order to help their BS. It may take some time, but if there is progress and an increased openness in answering tough questions about the affair, it is likely the WS is serious about reconciliation.

Another example of the WS giving the BS what they need to feel safe is being open about ALL of their activities. This means handing over cell phone records, computer and email account information and passwords and accounting for their whereabouts at all times.

A remorseful and committed WS will understand why this is needed and will provide this information for as long as needed. It is a violation of privacy. It emphasizes that they are not trusted. It is uncomfortable. It is necessary. The truly remorseful WS will realize that they will earn trust and privacy with the passage of time and their own consistent and trustworthy behavior.

Perhaps the most difficult step for a reconciling WS is the exploration of why they made the choice to have an affair, and taking steps to change their own behaviors to prevent recurrence. They must be willing to explore this with their BS, which means hours of difficult conversation and more hours of honest introspective thinking.

Betrayed spouses nearly universally feel a need to understand "Why?". This means taking a long hard look at the WS’s feelings, thought processes and belief systems leading up to the A. It means examining how they handled conflict, how they felt about themselves and where their thinking was flawed. Often, figuring out the why’s of the affair will mean individual counseling and marriage counseling. The truly remorseful WS will be willing to take these steps to learn from the mistake and make the BS feel more secure that a recurrence is unlikely.

If a wayward spouse agrees to NC, and is making progress toward consistency in expressing remorse, providing information, communicating about the affair and shows willingness to explore why and how the affair happened, it is very likely that they are committed to reconciliation. The betrayed spouse must keep in mind that the above steps are difficult and are not likely to happen all at once. They can help the process by being patient and supportive, and by expressing understanding and appreciation for the WS’s efforts.


If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

Posts: 842 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 22