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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: They say the only worst than the pain of infidelity is...
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

...the lost of a child. I can't even imagine THAT pain in comparison.

http://www.upworthy.com/a-comedian-silences-a-room-for-9-minutes-its-not-an-awkward-silence?c=ufb2


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
trebleclef
Member
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

The person I ran to when I first realized my WH was having an affair, had lost a son in an avalanche. She told me that the experience of having her H unfaithful and losing her marriage was worse. Her words were, "It is exactly like death in all respects, except that when people die they dont do it on purpose with no regard for your pain."

((((hugs SeanFLA))))


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
Shockleader
Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

I have read the same that it hurts worse than loosing a child... I recall a lady who lost a very young child to cancer, and said he fought with all of his heart, gave every last bit of strength to beat it, but did not. She voiced similar as TC did.

We have read here of soldiers loosing dear friends in violent combat deaths, violent stories of rape and near death assaults that say discovering infidelity is/hurts much worse... I can only say in my experience it is BY FAR the worst pain of my life, and my life has been full of loss, sadness, and pain... Its emotional rape, and the the feeling of death done with malice and selfishness that can not be quantified... I hate the bastards.


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
Xcheater 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 652 | Registered: Sep 2012
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

I hear ya. The only thing I have to compare it to was my father's death a year and a half earlier. It took me about three months to get over and accept that. But at the time I was distracted helping my mother with her cancer treatment. I didn't have any idea things could get any worse in my life after that. And there was no anger towards my father for what happened. Just intense sadness. This video kind of brought back that pain of Dday in a way. I understand where he says at some point you feel you have to "man up". It's kind of the point I eventually reached.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Angelback
New Member
Member # 39273
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

I can't begin to imagine the pain of losing a child. I think it would be worse. But for us, we don't even get to remember the good times and think back fondly on the time we had together. As a christian I believe we will all be together some day. I hope and believe that day will be so awesome and our level of understanding so much more that we wont have to deal with the pain of infidelity (even if the WS makes it in) !

Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2013 | From: USA
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Losing one of my children would be far worse than losing an abusive asshole.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9830 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
jackfish
Member
Member # 40257
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Nature
I agree.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2013
Must Survive
Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Neither pain (for me) goes away. It is a searing pain. Seven months after d-day and kicking STBXH out my daughter died.

I am now 23 months from d-day and just 15 months from my daughter's death. I still cry every day for both, the loss of my husband and the loss of my daughter.

It has changed me for ever.


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

All I can do is echo: Worst pain I have ever experienced. I was shocked at the intensity and "quality." Like every horrible human emotion rolled up into one hellish nightmare of a feeling.

I had utterly no idea I even had the capacity for such pain. And I looked into her eyes and told her just this, and what she was doing to me. Blank stare. Nothing.

Thank god the worst of the pain has passed.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 2:18 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Not to belittle or ignore anyones feelings one way or another because loss is loss but this isn't exactly apples and oranges. I have 2 kids and no matter how much hell my STBXW put me through, and it was hell, I would gladly go through it over and over if I had to choose between the A's and the aftermath or my kids.

It's still a matter of perspective so I respect others veiwpints on the topic as well but everyone measures pain differently.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
MyReturn2Me
Member
Member # 34352
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Losing one of my children would be far worse than losing an abusive asshole.
ditto


Me: BS 51 and Freaking AWESOME!
Him: Who the fuck cares........

Posts: 259 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Puget Sound
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

I would have to say that it would be worse to lose one of my precious children. They make my heart happy and when shit hit the fan they were the ones there that had my back and loved me unconditionaly.
The pain of wh's A was the worst pain I have felt ever, all those feelings wrapped up into one person can not be desribed. All of us know it but no one can feel it until they live it. But that pain I would surly do again and again for my children and grandson. I could not imagine losing a life that I created and carried and brought into this world (hell).


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2791 | Registered: Aug 2011
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

My first D-Day was when my STBXH was picked up by the police on his way to meet a 15 yo he had solicited for sex. We have a 16 yo daughter.

I thank GOD that his downward spiral was interupted before his behavior spilled over onto DD. I would gladly go through this a hundred times over, if I knew it would spare DD the pain of abuse.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1866 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

I have experienced both and the two can not compare. Children do not die to intentionally hurt you and you will always have good memories to comfort you through the pain. Infedelity is caused by a selfish person who did not care how bad they hurt you and there is no good memories to ease the pain caused by them. It is a different kind of hurt and one that is hard to describe to people that have never lived through it.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

I think losing a child would be a million times worse than losing my stbxww loser! Abbondad my stbxww did the same exact thing,(blank stare)no remorse. so my stbxww friend's husband cheated on her, she lost her aunt who lived with her and was like a mother and she lost her 5 year old ,back to back in one years time . Guess who my stbxww was partying and double dating with right before D day? yup sick people in this world , she also recommended my stbxww her lawyer! I will never understand this.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 684 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
honesttoafault
Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

The pain in both cases is severe, but it is different. I lost my daughter, but it wasn't personal....it wasn't done on purpose to hurt me. I was eventually able to heal and go on.

With my WH's A(s)and 3 OC's (he named one of the OC's the same name as our daughter who died) the pain was very personal and intense, and harder to recover from and am still working on it.


Posts: 1947 | Registered: Jan 2010
sleepless34
Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Someone said it well below...

When a person dies, there is no betrayal. The betrayal is the worst feeling.

A child dying would be hell, the worst pain imaginable. Now, on the other hand, I did say that I wished my STBX would have rather died. If he had, I would still love him, think he was a great person, loving husband, and dad who I shared a great 15 years with. Now, I don't have that luxury. I have to live with the fact he was a complete fraud, lier, cheater, weak, discusting, selfish pig ass and it negates all the good times we had in addition to the future we won't have. Plus I would have a whole lot of insurance money and wouldn't have to co-parent with him or see his ugly skank face....

still bitter :)


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

I could not compare the two.

Had the sad clown died it would have been 'easier' for sure but I may not have learned all of this stuff about myself. IMHO I was on a path towards a WH whether it was him or someone else.

There is nothing in this world that would compare to losing one of my girls. Nothing at all. Not even close.

In the early days I spent a lot of my time trying to put the pain and what was happening into perspective. This isn't the worst thing that has happened to me - not by a long shot. Why did this have me on my knees? I'd think about all of the things that could be worse - losing one of my girls or one of them being chronically ill was at the top of that list.

I would remind myself daily that I have my health, my girls are happy and healthy. I had more than a fighting chance of getting through this.

For me it is not a case of more painful or not. Whatever pain you are in at this moment feels like the most painful time in your life.

It is a case of clean pain vs dirty pain. I would mourn the loss of my children for the rest of my life but it would be a clean pain. I would still be be angry, I would most likely walk around in a rage for a time but the pain would be clean. I know people who have lost children - many honour their child's short life by living their own to the fullest. They no longer sweat the small stuff. They mourn in an empowering way.

Infidelity was a dirty pain. Like a gangrenous limb I had to chop off with a butter knife.

Watching that clip was intense - clean pain.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

This is a little bit different, but the person I was on the phone at the very minute X stepped out the door to abandon us, with, is a young relative who has had much suffering.

As a child, this man lost a lost a brother who was a baby and he then became a father and almost lost that child to heart complications. The wife and mother spent her life at that time seeking medical care and spending any money they could obtain to heal the child. That lady went on to volunteer with the staff of people who did finally save their child, aged 2 at the time.

Well...

About a year after this, which would be 2 years ago, the mother was struck by a car and died a mile from their home on her bicycle.

When the H, a relative of mine, learned what X had been doing, he sent a letter to X and I don't know the exact words, but X said he will never forget it.

It was something along the lines of writing him off as a person because my relative understood the love that was here for X and he threw it away, while my relative could only imagine having the chance to have what X did.

So anyway...this is something I often hear compared by betrayed people and a common theme that arises is that the person who died didn't have a choice...the person who cheated, did.

In regard to various types of pain, I think of that in a bit of a different way, especially in the face of even more change...and I spoke with this relative briefly about the pain/grief areas and he said too, that sometimes it's not about the actual pain but the endurance to live on in the face of massive, life altering adversity. The people who are left in his life are what he pours his heart and soul into and I find that a good example for my own grief.

I don't know about any of you, but something I find also is that I get some of the most comfort out of time spent with other people who have been betrayed or who are widowed/widowers. I think it's because they've faced the pain and the change and are still going.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 9:02 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2302 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

3 OC's (he named one of the OC's the same name as our daughter who died)

That is seriously fucked up. I am so sorry for your loss, and the absolute lack of respect your ex has.

I imagine the pain of infidelity seems as if it would be worse than losing a child because it is something that was done on purpose to me by the one person who PICKED me to love. (Unlike parents or kids, who love you because you are family).


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
FieldsOfLavender
Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

something I find also is that I get some of the most comfort out of time spent with other people who have been betrayed

I agree with this. When a friend's husband cheated on her, I could not relate because I was not married at the time. Now, after my WS experience, I can relate with the first breath that the betrayed spouse starts to utter.


Posts: 198 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Omg, that movie clip was heartbreaking. Infidelity and abandonment has definitely been the worst pain of my life. A raw, seemingly bottom-less pain that has literally taken my breath away. But losing a child? I don't have any personal experience with this (Thank God!).... I.cannot.even.imagaine.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

*Disclaimer*

I haven't watched the link.

But I have endured both. The loss of a child and the pain of infidelity.

For me the pain was similar but not the same.

I lost my son 12 years ago. It was the most traumatic experience of my life not something I would wish on my worse enemy. Not a day goes by where I don't think of my son.

The true difference is my son didn't choose to die.

My exwh chose to kill our marriage and our family not just once but multiple times.

The pain of the last infidelity was enormous and it almost broke me completely. But seeking help from my doctor was the best thing I ever did. In the words of my doctor "You have been to hell and back more times then anyone should have to endure, but you have been through a bigger hell then this shitstorm, you made it through that one, you can make it through this one." I love my doctor she is a straight shooter and tells it exactly how it is.

The hardest thing now, is still when people ask me how many kids I have.

It's far easier to tell people I am divorced then tell people I had to bury one of my children.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1362 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
hurting2much
Member
Member # 25643
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I lost my son 19 months ago. At that exact moment, half of me died. Within months, XWH was at his poor behavior again.

XWH made a conscience choice to do what he did. My son did not.

For me, the death of a child is hell on earth; the absolutely worse thing that has happened me and the pain never goes away.


Divorced

Posts: 1109 | Registered: Sep 2009
Dawn58
Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I count my blessings every day that my son is healthy and happy. He is the reason I am still here. The pain of the betrayal was so overwhelming at times, that I could not see how I could possibly go on. But then I thought about my son, and knew I had to keep on for him. He's the reason I am still here. I know he has no idea how far down I went or that he was the only light I could see in the darkness of my pain. Am getting weepy now, just thinking about it. Such a horrible, painful place that was.

My heart goes out to those that have lost their children. I can not imagine the pain you've been through.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 481 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I lost my son when he was 1 month old to SIDS.

The infidelity was at least slightly worse.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 844 | Registered: Nov 2012
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

As I write these words, I am in tears ... I am so thankful that my children are with me. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child(ren).

The video showed a father who learned how to take care of his daughter. I didn't know fathers did this. When my daughter was hospitalized twice and my son visited the emergency room every other month for years, my stbx did not step up to the plate. He didn't even visit our daughter. I am realizing now through listening to other people and learning (like with this video) that his lack of action when the children were ill, is not the norm. Right now, I am in awe of the father in the video. He put his whole heart and life into his child.


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2271 | Registered: Oct 2012
CharlieFoxtrot
Member
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

It is definitely an apples/oranges comparison IMO. The intense, seething, gut wrenching pain of repeated betrayal was traumatic and life changing, however~ I know I will get over it, and life will go on (it already is) and I am ultimately glad he is no longer in my life... The loss of one of my children would be something I would feel every breath for the rest of my life. Every moment that should have been happy would have an empty place. They are irreplaceable.


Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
gettingthere2013
Member
Member # 38232
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Having experienced the death of one child and stillbirth of another,the pain of losing my sons was gut wrenching and at times seemed bottomless. My husband's affair was worse,hands down. We chose R,so maybe that affects my point of view,but grieving the loss of the boys was simpler,less complex. I had them,and then they were gone...end of story. Healing from that was cauterizing a wound. Healing from the A? The scab gets ripped off daily for months on end.


Me:BW(42)
Him:WH(40)
Kids: Seven...yes,you read that right,and yes-we do know what causes them :)
Dday#1 1/29/2013(ONS with coworker)
Dday#2 4/8/2013(6 month LD PA with coworker,over for six months at time of discovery)
Reconciling...in all our

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: South
frigidfire86
Member
Member # 32324
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

My H has been deployed several times, so his death is something I've had to think about. I've planned, as much as possible, what I would do afterward. Move closer to family, finish school, sell the house, etc. I can see that there would be light at the end of the tunnel after he died. Sure, I'd have to walk the dark, depressing tunnel first, but there's light at the end.

After I found out my H was unfaithful, I've had to consider life without him, but in a different way. I've talked to a lawyer, talked to my dad about living with him until I get on my feet, I've looked into schools my daughter would attend, etc. Again, I'd have to walk through the dark, depressing tunnel, but I can see the light at the end. I can imagine a good life afterward.

Losing my daughter? Nope. I have nothing. I cannot see past that at all. I cannot imagine not having her in my life. It's not like seeing light at the end of the tunnel. It's getting sucked into a huge black hole with no light, no hope. Just nothing but darkness forever.

I would rather my H cheat on me repeatedly for the rest of my life than lose my daughter. I would gladly relive every horrible experience of my life...all the physical abuse, sexual abuse/assault, the manipulation of my ex, the loss of my cousin and best friend, the miscarriages, being homeless, etc...all of that and more IN ADDITION TO a serial cheating H. I've read that comparing infidelity to the death of a child is comparing apples to oranges. I disagree. It's like comparing apples to freaking freight trains, IMO.


Me: 28
Him: 29
Married 8 years
Daughter, 7 yrs old
D-Day: 05/08/2011

Posts: 628 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Germany
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

For me the loss of my Nemo in 2003 was/is something I cannot put into words.

What I can say is that at the time Xh was there with me. He is the only reason I got through that time.

When D-day rolled around Xh was not there for me, not how I needed him anyway. He was there trying to be comforting ect but at the sametime he was trying to distance me from him. He had already left the M and moved on, while we were still M'ed and I had no idea.

D-day was worse for me. I felt truly alone and adrift. However, if I were to loose a baby/child as a single parent that would be far worse.


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18812 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK - Hot as hell here !!!!!!
Topic Posts: 31