New Beginnings
User Topic: Is this just wrong???
Member # 40287
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

This has been such a long road and my divorce is final next week. The OW and her h's divorce is final in 2 weeks. During the time her H and I have been talking, we have become really close friends and leaned on each other through so much. Feelings have started to develop and it freaks me out. Is this just wrong??? I don't even know what to think. Most of the people who know about this on my side say no and that it is a natural progression of two people who have gone through torture together and grown close because of it. I'm so confused right now. Even scared to post this....but here it goes.

BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.

Posts: 316 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Run and don't look back.

I'm sorry....but you will never be able to have a normal relationship with this person without having to think about how it came to be in the first place. Do you really want to think about your XWH every time you are with your new SO? I wouldn't.

"Sometimes your knight in shining armor just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12

Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

I would just say take it slow. Make sure you're completely healed from your X and your divorce before jumping into another relationship. I really don't see anything wrong with it otherwise - people meet each other in all kinds of strange situations.

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5297 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Well... I have a friend whose XWH had an affair with a (casual) friend of hers. Eventually, my friend and the BH got together. They're getting married in a couple weeks and are one of the best, happiest couples I know.

That being said, I'd proceed with a lot of caution. You're both so close to your divorces, timeline-wise, you haven't had time to really heal. I've also learned the hard way that bonding over infidelity, especially when it's shared in this way (your spouses betrayed you with each other) can really skew things.

Just go slow. If it's real, it'll wait.

Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15417 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Wrong - no, not necessarily. Tricky - oh yeah! So slow and cautious.

Someone here posted about marrying the other BS and the two WS married too (I think). The both WS's were killed in an accident and the BS's married and raised the kids together.

So... stranger things have happened....

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4153 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

No, I do not think it is wrong or even surprising. However, I do think that it is dangerous (in terms of feelings). I might consider taking a time out to assess your feelings for one another outside of the infidelity, divorce shit-storm.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 8:00 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]

DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid

Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I think its natural to feel a bond with the other BS, because they understand exactly what you've gone through, and they're going through it right along with you.

But what else do you have in common beside this emotionally charged, shared experience? Are you truly compatible on other ways? If you had met randomly, without the lead-in of the shared betrayal, would you have been attracted to each other? Would you have hit it off?

I would just go slowly and as the divorce waters start to recede, see what you are left with. See if there is enough there to truly build a relationship.

Hugs to you, good luck!

[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 10:57 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]

Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin

Posts: 932 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Member # 40287
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Thank you all for your advise. I was very apprehensive about asking.

BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.

Posts: 316 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
Topic Posts: 8