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User Topic: Why is it so damn hard?
vivere
Member
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Why is it so damn hard?

I considered what I needed for a successful marriage. He told me he could not be that person. I accept that and say that we should then part ways. Put the crazy making behind us. I'm full of resolve, I know I'm doing the right thing. I look forward to peace.

4 days later and I'm looking to compromise. Life isn't that bad when we are together. I start to feel guilty for my role in breaking up this family. After all it's me who saying its not acceptable. Perhaps I should just modify what I 'need'. Now I question, Am I doing the right thing?

How do I stop this turmoil??


You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

(((Obliviousnownumb)))

What is truly acceptable to you and what is not? What does living with integrity really look like to you?


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2581 | Registered: Aug 2012
Flatlined123
Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

My question to you is this:
If you have/had a daughter would you consider the way you're being treated acceptable for her?

I think therin lies you answer what to do.

YOU ARE ENOUGH! YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND NOT JUST HAVE A SO SO LIFE WITH SOMEONE. YOU . ARE . AWESOME! DON'T EVER FORGET THAT!!


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jun 2012
Flatlined123
Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

My question to you is this:
If you have/had a daughter would you consider the way you're being treated acceptable for her?

I think therin lies your answer of what to do.

YOU ARE ENOUGH! YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND NOT JUST HAVE A SO SO LIFE WITH SOMEONE. YOU . ARE . AWESOME! DON'T EVER FORGET THAT!!

sorry double post and mispelled at that

[This message edited by Flatlined123 at 8:02 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jun 2012
vivere
Member
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

I want to say it is unacceptable to have a spouse who can not share intimacy with me. Who can not be vulnerable and can not express love in a way that I feel is genuine. The way he that he is comfortable avoiding difficult conversations even if they are important to me, makes me feel devalued and unloved. We are on different playing fields, trying to play the same game but it just isn't working.
This is what I want to say but I also think if I could just let go of or modify the things I need then I could accept things the way they are. It's not that bad.

Living with integrity looks lonely and messy and complicated. Unhappy children having to 'pack' to go visit Mum or Dad. Awkward relationships with extended family and in laws. People wondering and whispering. Financial strain for everyone.

Just to second guess myself though (yet again), is that living with integrity or living with 'foolish' pride? Can I live with integrity accepting what's on offer, just so long as I am honest with myself and acknowledge that I am compromising what I think is ideal?


You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012
vivere
Member
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Thank you Flatlined we cross posted.

I hope my daughter doesn't find herself at 46 to be so unsure of who she is and what she wants. I hope she learns long before I did that you're value, you're worth is not wrapped up in what others think of you. I hope she knows that her happiness is her responsibility and as such, she is in the driving seat.

In knowing these things I would hope she would not find herself in my situation. She would hopefully have spotted the incompatibilities when dating and not set up a life like this.

I'm sad that I haven't modeled these things for her til now but it's never too late.

[This message edited by obliviousnownumb at 8:20 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]


You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012
Flatlined123
Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

That's right! You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start now and make a brand new ending.

Good luck to you!


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jun 2012
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

it is unacceptable to have a spouse who can not share intimacy with me. Who can not be vulnerable and can not express love in a way that I feel is genuine. The way he that he is comfortable avoiding difficult conversations even if they are important to me, makes me feel devalued and unloved. We are on different playing fields, trying to play the same game but it just isn't working.
This is what I want to say but I also think if I could just let go of or modify the things I need then I could accept things the way they are. It's not that bad.

I think the above describes the way I lived my married life - 30 years.

I found ways to be content enough, living off the crumbs, without much of a real relationship - while he pursued what he "had to have", or his "childhood dreams".

I took care of the bills, the home, the kids and their education - so he could build a boat, study music, pursue a new career, using up all his free time in doing so. He steered the boat while I set the sails, stood watch, bailed the water, scrubbed the decks, fed the crew.... We weren't a team. He was the captain - aloof and detached studying his charts.

Take away the infidelities, and it wasn't a horrible life. It wasn't awesome - but we were in it together, or so I thought. Life was hard, marriage was hard, I soldiered on.

But factor in the infidelities -- And what the F*ck was I thinking? For me the betrayal, the lies - they changed everything.

It was one thing thinking he wasn't capable of intimacy, or of sacrificing for the overall good of the family, or of compromising just a bit of his time for me or the kids, or of showing appreciation. But to know he gave that time to others, feigned intimacy with others, went out of his way to make them feel special - that was unacceptable - that is where I drew the line.

What was most surprising was how little changed in everyday life - with him gone. I didn't miss him, I mean what was there to miss really... I still carry the weight of holding everything together. Only now I spend my free time seeing to what I would like or need - rather than making sure he had everything he wanted.

The hardest part for me isn't being alone now - it is reconciling that I was always alone and accepted it as a life, called it a marriage.

I'm not saying our circumstances are parallel, oblivious, but what you have written is familiar so I thought I'd share my take.

It isn't so bad adding Captain to my list of duties - when I recognize that the old captain was always trailing behind his own personal life raft, stocked and ready to abandon ship when the seas got too rough.

Strength to you.

[This message edited by Take2 at 6:39 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4113 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
doubleboggy
Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Holy crap, you all are married to my wife!


D Day: 3/31/13

Posts: 106 | Registered: Sep 2013
Pippy
Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Take2's story is mine, even the 30 years and the boat.

oblivious, it eats away at your soul, living with a non-intimate mate and you aren't even aware, like an insidious disease. You get used to it and make excuses, like that's just the way he is.

Now that I'm free I look back and remember things I swallowed. He never looked me in the eyes and said "I love you". Oh I got, "Luv you 2" with no real connection/ emotion. In 30 years he never volunteered things to me about his growing up years.

I was so desperate for love, I settled. But now that I'm free the view is much clearer. OW is welcome to him and he's acting the same way with her.

Yes the separation is har and it takes a long time to heal, but there IS peace at the end and the knowledge that you deserve so much more in life. I'm just sorry I wasted so much of my life with him. Don't you do that. Life is too short.


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9587 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
whatamidoing
Member
Member # 37152
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Be careful lowering your expectations because in my experience all that happens is you keep lowering the bar and they keep not going over the bar till you are at the bottom

Maybe it is like children where you give them rules and they want to know what will happened if they break them more than they want to follow the rules

I kept thinking my expectations must be out of wack cause all I wanted was for him to succeed and me to know he was trying ! Ha Ha joke was on me he had no intention of doing anything and here is where the doctor Phil real world stuff comes in
Most of us would tell our loved ones we were not interested or we had some issues or we didn't want to commit. Some people say words like love and forever and family like it is and if or but
I love the captain analogy that was my life for sure
I was sitting in my situation with the bar on the ground and my WH saying I am trying I can't get over it give me time help me I love you and it took years to get here but I finally look at him with disgust and pity and am walking away
So keep strong your boundaries are fine it's your show pony you might have to trade in


A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself
_________________________________
BS Me 43
WH 42
DD June 2nd '12
LTA (2+ yrs)
False R Many times from July '12 till now forced D
OW: acting like she is the wife

Posts: 182 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Guelph
Topic Posts: 11