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User Topic: The long term consequences of my bad treatment of others.
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Help me out here, please.

I came to SI because my ex fiance cheated on me with his ex wife, got her pregnant and now there is an OC.
So after he so wisely did all of that, he came back to me, then got himself involved into an EA that he carried on in front of me for a very long time, gas lighting me, etc

I cut off contact.. then one day he shows up again, says he is done with both women.

NC with the emotional affair. Avoids his ex wife like the plague, and is currently trying to figure out a way to see his kids WITHOUT seeing the ex. He decided that is impossible and for the last 2 months he has not been in contact with ex wife, OC and his 10 year old daughter. ex wife won't let him talk to either child on the phone and is trying to force him to go over to her place. He won't do it.

Admittedly prior to the last few months, I was losing it a lot. Lashing out, trying to NC so I could calm down.

In return he has been working to fix things as he sees them coming up, usually AFTER a big blow up that goes like this:

I trigger some, try to ask him to handle things a bit different ( for example, he doesn't say goodbye when hanging up the phone or he disappears for hours without giving head's up.)

What I specifically ask for is what I view as common courtesy. He also has a nasty habit of blocking me on IM when he gets mad. I realize this may sound dumb, but when I get that block, it enrages me. I feel so disrespected, devalued, mistreated.

Well, a lot of it has stopped, the blocking, I mean. Things were getting better, I thought.

Until yesterday.

This is what happened.

I work from home, he was on skype IM. He has it on his cell phone and we chat off and on through out the day.

Lately he has been "disappearing" then shows up later and says sorry honey, I crashed. He fell asleep on the sofa. Or he was traveling around town and it was hard to have a conversation.

This may sound weird of me, but it really bothers me when he disappears. I don't think he is cheating. I don't know he has gone, he was chatting at me, then he is just GONE.

It's pushing my buttons bad. He just tells me don't be stupid, you know I am not really gone, just wait and I will show up later.

Like hours later, or the next day.

Yesterday we are in the middle of a serious conversation and he suddenly disappeared. So I kept talking. No response. I was trying to talk to him about the disappearances. Basically I want for him to tell me when he cant talk.

Mainly because it has become so pervasive that I feel disrespected.

He's disappeared MANY times in the past when trying to talk to him. Gets up, leaves, Walks out, doesn't come back for days. Blocks me on IM's, social sites.

At the least it is annoying, at the worst, it can send me into a tailspin and I freak out and he ignores me, and I end up having a massive outburst where I have a verbal meltdown that is always in the form of a huge email slapping him around for the cheating etc.

I have been able to calm down enough the last few months, stay way calm in comparison to how I was, because this time last year I was a raw screaming fit.

So when he disappeared on IM yesterday, I waited a while. Nothing from him, and then i said are you there. He answered after a bit and said yes. he had seen what I wrote and he had decided to wait until he got home to talk instead of trying to have "an important conversation" on his cell phone.

Does anyone else find it weird that he sat there watching what I wrote, saw me getting upset some for the disapearance, and then after almost 2 hours told me he had seen it and had been reading the whole time, but never responded with... "I see what you are saying, I cant respond atm, but will when I get home".

Do you understand? He was in the conversations, decided to stop responding, and didn't bother to give me heads up?


Anyway, he gets home, ( we are currently separated) and gets on skype, and says ok to talk. So I try to talk to him. His response is slow, and slowly he just drifts away until zero response. This took about 15 minutes.

So I get suspicious. We both play an MMORG together, he is way more of an avid player than me. So I log in and he is there, playing and blowing me off.

We have a shared channel in there, and tbh, I was mad. Felt ignored and disrespected.

So I say, what gives? I waited for you to get home like you asked and you said you had time to talk and you disappeared in the middle and now you are hear and the discussion went no where.

So he gets mad. He says WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!

I kind of wanted him to grow up. I feel shocked because we had most calm for a few months.

Then he said basically he was tired of me trying to talk at him, he had enough and decided to have a break.

Without telling me. And I said to him, well this is exactly what I was trying to talk to you about.

So he refuses to respond. I am dumb, because I didn't expect this crappy behavior. So I wait 20 minutes and I try to talk again.

So he blocks me in the game.

As I said, this is a HUGE trigger for me. So I log out of the game and try to stay calm. I have PANIC attacks over this treatment. End result is I lost control and told him to unblock me and stop doing it, insert about 10 f-bombs and you get the picture.

So he says to me, I am going to block you here, too, until your fingers learn some control.

Now he KNOWS I have massive issues with the blocking. And maybe you guys think I am out of line.

He certainly does.

So I just drop it as best I can, I am in the middle of huge panic attack, so I take a xanax and go to bed.

I get up this morning and he has unblocked me and he leaves me THIS message.


"You think too much about how others treat you. You don't really think about how you treat others. Especially of long term consequences of you being mad and losing control"

Basically he has been very blaming towards me for my actions while he was cheating on me, when the baby came out of nowhere, and he was screwing around with his emotional affair.

yes. I was losing it a lot. yes, I had a lot to say to him then about it and after initial attempts at discussion that repeatedly ended with him blocking, walking out, disappearing and flaunting it, I really went off the deep end.

In fact, I became suicidal. Every little incident blew me apart and I smacked his ex wife around, I told his EA's husband, I called him every dirty name under the sun.. essentially I went crazy for about 2 years.

Now. He wants me to account to him for the long term damage I did to his feelings and pat and soothe him and take care, change my ways.


I reiterated to him that we had discussed the blocking and it is a MAJOR issue for me. Basically don't do it.

So the ONLY time I am actually getting that upset with the guy is when he starts the silent treatment, blocking, walking off in the middle of discussions.

I said to him he can easily tell me he had enough discussion BEFORE he leaves. I never fight with him over it. But by the time he does a disappearance, screwing me around.. I am pretty upset.

I don't want to let it go without saying I would like him to tell me he is leaving, because I FEEL really disrespected otherwise.

And he wants to focus on how my outbursts are causing long term damage to him and other people.

I don't argue with anyone else. And I am pretty disappointed. This episode ended with unfriending on social sites, blocking me on IM's. Completely ignoring me because I didn't respond right to his statement about how much long term damage I am doing to him.

it's pretty hard to put myself in that headspace after what he has done to me and when I complain he says he cant ever talk about what he did, he has no excuse for it and what is the point of dragging it up?

What he wants to talk about is what I did in response to his cheating, lying, EA..

Am I being unfair and overly demanding, should I be setting aside my own upsets to try to explore his feelings of hurt for calling him a whoring fucktard when he was cheating on me?

I am not being facetious. Do I need to address this with him?

[This message edited by Kalliopeia at 8:05 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

He reminds me of a certain ex of mine. Your ex-fiance knows what he's doing. He knows he's disrespecting you. And he knows that if he upsets you enough, you'll (understandably) blow up - but then, he'll make you out to be the psycho one. He'll use your emotions against you, instead of being supportive of you and concerned about how you're feeling. He'll wait for you to get upset and say, "oh look, you lost control again! You must be crazy!"

He hasn't taken any responsibility, has he? Beyond the very facetious "sorry"s, that is?

Read this book: "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. Really read it. It will contain some painful messages. But it can help you.

He's trying to stay in control. He values control over communication and care. He is NOT a healthy person, and this dynamic isn't healthy.

Right now, no, I don't think you need to try to listen to him and understand him. I think you need to get away from him. Not just because he's unhealthy. Also because he is emotionally abusive. He is playing mind games with you. He is hurting you.

I know that is not easy to hear. I remember how hard it was to leave him behind. It was almost like being brainwashed into believing that that was what I deserved. It's not about deserve or not deserve... Very simply, what he is doing is wrong, and you are not mistaken.

How will you protect yourself from him? He is not on your team. To quote another member here: "He knows how to push your buttons because he's the one who installed the fuckers!" Please, you don't have to put up with his mind games! You can be free of him. (((hugs)))

[This message edited by silverhopes at 8:23 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

TBH, I wouldn't address a damn thing with this idiot. Go Dark on him. I think he's a total dick who treats you like a 2 year old. He's blocking you until "your fingers learn control"????? Is he fucking kidding????

He's right in that actions have consequences. But it seems that he's perverting that sentiment and twisting it in order to *control* you.

Stbx had the same problem as your WS. His action was never the problem that we dealt with, it was my *reaction* that he turned the focus on to and declared to be the issue. It was NEVER about the event that preceded my *talking to him in the wrong way or saying the wrong thing to him*.

A couple of years ago I talked stbx into going to a community group that had a program that worked with abusive, angry people. Stbx sat in front of this man and woman and talked about how *terribly* I spoke to him and yadayada.....they both just kind of looked at him, shook their heads and smiled. They both told him "you are getting back what you put in for so long." They could see me. They had heard me speak. They could see that I wasn't some raging, out-of-control lunatic. And they could see/hear that he was a *clueless* abuser.

Personally, I think that you should block your xwF everywhere that you can. Stop chasing after him trying to get him to *see* what a disrespectful dick he's being and has been. You're handing your personal power over to this jerk. Stop it.

Think of it this way -- what if one of your girlfriends treated you in the way that he is? Would you still be friends with her? A person that just *vapors* in the middle of a conversation or who gets in a snit and runs around blocking you all the time? You probably wouldn't stay friends with that person for very long, would you?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8029 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
cruelty
New Member
Member # 35951
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Sounds like he is playing games period. There is no reasoning with this. You cannot win. He is playing. The ONLY way to "win" is not to play.
I know this game well, lived it for years. Funny how no one else in the entire world acted this way with me.


"The trick to forgetting the big picture is to look at everything close up" -Chuck Palahniuk

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2012
cruelty
New Member
Member # 35951
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Sounds like he is playing games period. There is no reasoning with this. You cannot win. He is playing. The ONLY way to "win" is not to play.
I know this game well, lived it for years. Funny how no one else in the entire world acted this way with me.


"The trick to forgetting the big picture is to look at everything close up" -Chuck Palahniuk

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2012
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

I agree completely with Silverhopes.
This is a bad mix, abusive, disrespectful and frightening to say the least.
You need to leave and go NC with him.
Only when you are away, will you see the extent of this abuse..


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 874 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

to be honest, when the blocking happens (which it didnt for months) I completely lose it.

he says he simply sees no reason to subject himself to the abuse from me. he finds it hurtful and says if I was simply more patient and not panicking all over the place and then lashing out when I do, life would be a lot more smooth.

Just telling what he said. and sure if I paid no attention and let it go, he does always show up.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

and thank you for validating me.

I really need that.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Kalli -- I have been *validating* you ever since you started posting here. I don't remember the specifics of your debut, but I'm pretty sure that I identified your dude as an ass. And guess what? I haven't changed my opinion.

It is a whole new level of *crazy* when the abuser begins accusing *you* of being the abusive one. The reason that it brings on the *crazy* is because there might be a nugget of truth in there -- in a *technical* sense. And that nugget is one that, once an abuser takes hold of it, you are in for nothing but a massive amount of brain damage over.

Stbx would label me *abusive* if I told him that he was a lying cheater. I didn't really understand that because he WAS lying and he WAS cheating. You are lying and you are cheating, thus you are a lying cheater, right? It just seemed like a statement of fact to me. But he declared that my saying that he was a lying cheater was me engaging in name-calling....which is abusive. "You're the abusive one, Gonna! LOOK at HOW you TALK to ME!!!!"
Oh, for ffs. The poor lying, cheating guy.

He's playing the *deflection* game with you, Kalli. I have no idea about *how* you deal with him when he pulls his *ignore Kalli* bullshit....and maybe it IS abusive....but if it is, then you are just playing right into his hands and giving him the ammunition that he needs to keep the attention away from where it needs to be.

What you are doing now isn't working. You are playing *his* game....and that will not end well for you. It's time for a new game plan on your end.

I asked you whether you would put up with this same type of shit from a friend....you didn't answer....but I hope that it's planted a seed that the way that he's treating you is wrong, wrong, wrong. You are right. His treatment of you IS demeaning and dismissive. And it is a *good* sign that you are pissed about it. You do not deserve to be treated that way and you do not have to put up with it.......

Go dark and be inaccessible to him for a while......


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8029 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

I've seen my kids instigate fights like this when they were in grammar school. He's very immature IMO and extremely rude. This game he's playing would drive me crazy. You can't win. No matter what you do. He's got a nasty side to him that is cruel at times. Disappearing for days at a time too...it would be really difficult, I would think, to have a R with this man.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5066 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

I wouldn't put up with it. I would figure they were a flake and distance myself.

In terms of him, one of the problems I have is that I do understand that he feels hurt.

He is desperate for me to take responsibility for lashing out at him and hurting his feelings and self esteem.

What I then run into in my own head is a couple of things.

First, I don't as a life choice, normally verbally abuse anyone. And last year about this time, I pointed out to him what I saw when I looked at him. They were the sort of observations that are actually TRUE, but kind of leaves the person you say them to feeling pretty rotton.

And his emotional affair, why telling her husband was an attempt to destroy her marriage and how terrible am I? Actually it was an attempt to get her to back off, but nevermind that.

I don't know if it is possible for me to separate out my hurt from what he did and set it aside to account to HIM for calling him a selfish POS whoremonger when that is exactly what he was doing.

What was I supposed to say when I found out?

"I really don't feel good about you having intercourse with your ex wife and g etting her pregnant and then lying to me and hiding that from me for over a year. Please excuse me whilst I freshen up in the powder room."

No, he does not really take responsibility. I think if he was doing so, he would figure bad choices lead to bad consequences.

Instead he is bullying ME to accept that MY bad choices of responding so negatively have led to how HE is treating me NOW.

I actually sat down earlier to try and figure out how to respond to his complaint in an empathetic way, but he popped onto skype and said he was "tired of always being the betrayer who betrays" and I said "well stop doing it then!"

And. HE BLOCKED ME AGAIN.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
DeadMumWalking
Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

((((Kalliopeia))))

Gently - if you are separated, why are you engaging with this asshole???

I completely understand your reaction to the blocking, but dickwad is doing that as a control mechanism.

As a previous poster said: the only way to 'win' is NOT TO PLAY.

Go NC. Detach. You WILL find your way toward peace.

((((Kalliopeia))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2595 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Kalliopeia,

It really doesn't seem like anything has changed since your Thread in the RECONCILIATION forum.in March...where you posted about this exact same, outrageous behaviors from this man in about 27 Posts:
The thread "Trying to reconcile. Not going well, don't know what to do"

I really have to ask:
WHY do you continue allowing this man to abuse you this way? You do recognize he's continuing to ABUSE YOU, don't you?

[This message edited by Dare2Trust at 12:23 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6126 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

"tired of always being the betrayer who betrays"

Oh boo-freaking-hoo. Grow the hell up, crybaby. If the shoe fits......<gotta go and find the world's smallest violin -- remember that from grade school?)

He blocked you AGAIN. Color me surprised....not. For the third time tonight....STOP engaging with this guy. Go Dark. If he *unblocks* you for 2 seconds in order to send you a message....ignore the fuck out of him.

I wouldn't put up with it. I would figure they were a flake and distance myself.

Exactly. And that is the attitude that you need to take towards this guy. You say that you can understand because he feels *hurt*. Oh, stop it. He's *hurt* because you are pissed, and letting him KNOW that you are pissed, that he kept OC a secret for a year???

This guy is manipulating the hell out of you, Kalli. You seem to have a pretty good head on your shoulders, so stop letting him make you second-guess yourself (another total red flag that you are in an abusive relationship....).

I am also a *nice* person who doesn't like to *hurt* people and apologizes quickly if I do. However, do NOT offer any type of apology to that guy right now. Don't accept any form of *responsibility*. He is just going to throw it back at you ten-fold.

He dealt you a really, really *shit* hand. And that facetious reply that you came up with is right along the lines of how he expects you to deal with it, so it seems. All reasonable and whatnot -- of course it is understandable that he would knock his x up while he was in a relationship with you... (moron)

Go Dark, Kalli. Seriously. NC.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 12:48 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8029 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Ms_Strong
Member
Member # 30883
Default  Posted: 1:38 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Kalliope, why do you still let this douchebag into your life? I don't know your background but from your post you are exes...so no reason to even be friends. You are right to feel disrespected, and ignored, because that is what he doing to you. He does not respect you. Why are you wasting time and energy on this guy who has treated you badly in the past, bad enough for you guys to break up, who continues to treat you badly? He doesn't deserve your attention or the time of day. Cut him out of your life. You do not need this negative presence in your life. Start fresh.


Me: 40, happily divorced Dec11
D-Day #1 - 9th Jan 11, D-Day #2 - 13th Jan 11
Kids - 4, 8 yrs

Posts: 269 | Registered: Jan 2011
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 1:50 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Kallipoiea,

I advise you to go back to the NPD thread. The folks there have the expertise in the disorder that is keeping you controlled.

NC is the only way through this. Plus IC for you.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5120 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Let me guess, when he didn't have the capability to block you, he was really good at the silent treatment.

You really need to stop responding to him at all. Gonnabe is right on about him. You may not believe it but you deserve better than the treatment you're getting from him. Really, if you keep putting up with it you have to at some point ask yourself if you're feeding off it.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4102 | Registered: Sep 2005
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Sorry but here comes a 2x4...
Does anyone else find it weird that he sat there watching what I wrote, saw me getting upset some for the disapearance, and then after almost 2 hours told me he had seen it and had been reading the whole time, but never responded with... "I see what you are saying, I cant respond atm, but will when I get home".
It seems like typical juvenile behavior to me, not exactly "weird." I find it weirder that you don't just tell him to go to hell, block him, and never engage with him ever again, in any way. I'm just being honest here.

"I really don't feel good about you having intercourse with your ex wife and g etting her pregnant and then lying to me and hiding that from me for over a year. Please excuse me whilst I freshen up in the powder room."
Is nothing a deal breaker for you? As Judge Judy would say, put a period after this relationship. It should have been over years ago, and I mean really over, no messaging, gaming, or texting or anything else.

Posts: 5744 | Registered: Apr 2006
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

So...basically,nothing has changed. Well, you feel worse and more hurt..but he certainly hasn't changed.

Is he still involved in that "club?"


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7489 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Pippy
Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

He is desperate for me to take responsibility for lashing out at him and hurting his feelings and self esteem.

What about YOUR self esteem? It's in the basement because of the way he treats you. Why do you chhose this life for yourself?

You deserve to be loved by someone who puts you first - always. Not 2nd, 3rd, or 100th to everything. He's not the one. Please get some counseling and get this lowlife out of your life. Do you want to spend your life this way?


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I'm glad this is in general, because I can be straight talking.

Your ex is an ASSHOLE.

He is disrespecting you. Every single thing you described = HE IS AN ASSHOLE.

Kalliopeia, you are not treating anyone badly. If anything, you are treating him a lot more nicely than he deserves. Because, did I mention,

HE'S AN ASSHOLE.

This man is not worth your time. He is not worth you hanging around waiting for him to respond to you. He is not worth one iota of your attention.

Because...

HE'S AN ASSHOLE.

You may still love him (truly, I understand that), but you can get over that with time.

I would go NC. Hefty bag his crap (that's what ASSHOLES have), dump it on the lawn, and move him out.

Time to block that asshole.

Ahhhh, I feel better now!

BTW, my H used to do the walking away, not responding bit (more passive than aggressive), even before the A, and it got us close to divorce. Started up again during and after his A -- part of the reason that we almost D (that and the lying by omission). Even without the A's, the OC's, the gaslighting, your ex's behavior is completely unacceptable.

You aren't married. Dump this ASSHOLE.

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 8:05 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 866 | Registered: Sep 2012
tryingmybest2011
Member
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I agree with the others - he's playing games to control you.

So, this has been going on for a while - the dynamic is somewhat predictable, right? Can you change up your response to his blocking and other silly tactics? As in, no response?

I totally get the rage response to his idiotic behaviour - he really is almost unbelievable in his immaturity.

Bottom line is that it's up to you to stop your part in it. No engaging, no escalating, no reacting. That is the tough part.


BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.


Posts: 323 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

basically we got back together a few months ago. reconcilling.

It was actually going pretty well, he was behaving very decently, things were significantly improving.

Then THIS 2 days ago.

So yes, I was wiling to try again. Yes, it was truely improving. Really, it DID take me by surprise.

So I am listening to you guys, but honestly I am in some shock over the sudden about face on his part.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

So I am listening to you guys, but honestly I am in some shock over the sudden about face on his part.

2x4 coming....
There is no "about face" here. All he did was dupe you into trying again. There is only so long he can pretend to be different before his true nature comes out again.

This guy has you trained like a whipped dog Kalliopeia. Do you not see who manipulative he truly is? Do you not see that he has you doubting yourself? He treats you like shit and you just keep saying "please sir, may I have some more?". Stop allowing him to treat you this way. Stop participating in this crazy cycle of manipulation. Get away from this guy. He is nothing but bad news for you.


Choices, Chances, Changes.....You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.

Posts: 13769 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Kalli, that's how *these* people work.
They know just what to say and what to do to get you back on the hook....and then it all starts over again.

Seriously. It is a sick and incredibly unhealthy dynamic that will emotionally destroy you.......Shut.It.Down.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8029 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

yeh :(

tbh, I am in a weak state atm. I have another issue going on in my life. The feelings of grief and guilt I have been experiencing has lost me my appetite. I weighed 94 pounds this morning and no desire to eat in site.

this latest from him and I am feeling what is the use of anuthing. i had just enough energy from anger yesterday to post here.

he has run off, so I don't expect him to stop raging over anything soon anyway. I blocked him on skype. for all intents and purposes, I would not expect him to show back up for months again anyway.

just feel broadly very hurt.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
doodley
Member
Member # 21433
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Please, please take care of you

((Kalli))


It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities. ~Albus Dumbledore

Posts: 120 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: GA
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

My wife would disappear in exactly the same way when she was involved in her affair.

We would be talking in AIM then hours go by with nothing. I have some logs from years ago where they are timestamped and I send the occasional IM after I wind down the one sided convo and hours later she reappears with "Oh I was around just busy" or "I had to run take care of XYZ" - a couple of occasions it was actually "Weird I didn't get your IMs."

We also played an MMO together and her interaction with me there tapered off as she spent more time with OM in the game right there under my nose, pretending to be someone else.

I don't know if that's what is going on with your situation but it's a 99% match for my experiences and I know I am projecting because I can't see it any other way. There's no reason to not say "I'll bbiab" or something at the very least.

Sorry you're dealing with that shit, whatever it turns out to be.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7451 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
DeadMumWalking
Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

If you can't eat, maybe you could try a little soup? Or a meal replacement drink? You need at least some nutrition, otherwise everything gets harder.

((((Kalliopeia))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2595 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Have you ever heard the phrase, "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me."

How many times are you going to do this dance with him?

Definitiion of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different results.

The crazy ends when you get off the tracks from the constant oncoming trains.

You will NEVER get him to admit what he is doing, or that he is wrong. If that is why you keep going back and forth with him, stop. NC will release you, but you have to have the willpower to maintain the NC.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2263 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Even if I wanted to, I can't get very far with him. It's been 6 months since the past blocking happened. I thought we moved past that.

All I can figure is he had a conflict with his ex wife. Monday was her birthday and in the past she has felt entitled to attention and a gift from him. It's not past her to pounce on him and drama there. Then it gets dumped on me without explanation. It's happned before. He won't say something upsetting happened, and if I don't pick up cues, then it gets taken out on me beause I was silly enough to talk to him too much or became miffed about being hung up on.

@ stillgoing, exactly that. We talk throughout the day. or did. so it was not unusual, since he is at work in an office, for him to afk periodically. it's when he is clearly available, in the middle of discussion and then disappears. I would appraciate a goodbye or need to do something or whatever.

But as people say here, basically he has not changed his spots. I thought he was trying :(


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Possibly. I just remember feeling like I was the crazy/paranoid person in the room for freaking out over something apparently so minor. The reason I started logging my chats at all was the verify my own sanity.

At the absolute very least it is rude and inconsiderate.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7451 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I don't know if this makes a difference.
He is Russian. He learned English as a young man while he was studying at MIPT in Moscow.

Classic geek with advanced degrees in mathematics and physics.

I don't know if it is cultural, him or the language.

I was going to respond to the thing about my fingers learning lessons.

He says if I write too much at once, he gets overwhelmed and is looking at what feels to him like a "wall of text" so he gets frustrated. I really try to condense things for him, but it can be really hard to say how you feel, and why and what you need in less than 50 words.

If that changes view for anyone here, I am sorry I didn't make sure people know about the different nationality.

My brain is messed up today.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
sg2008
Member
Member # 21578
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Sorry but why would you think his Nationality changes anything? His Nationality has nothing to do with his abusive behaviour, disappearing acts and cheating. It seems more like you are trying to find an excuse for him so that people will say "awe...he isn't so bad after all!" and you have permission to keep him a part of your life.

I know it can be hard to detach but truthfully, this is going nowhere fast and you will continually find yourself back here posting the same things and getting the same advice in return. By sticking with this ass you are stopping yourself from eventually meeting someone who will treat you with real love and respect. It is time to disconnect and start moving on towards a happier and healthier life. Counselling can really help with this.


BS(me)- 30
WH(him)- 36
Married for 7 years, together for 9
1 DD- 9 months old
DDay- May 2008 (affair with old high school classmate)
DDay 2- October 2008 (OW2...affair occurred at the same time as OW1 but he didn't feel he needed to be hones

Posts: 217 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Canada
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I don't know if this makes a difference.
He is Russian.

All that does is tell us he is a Russian manipulative asshole instead of just a manipulative asshole.


Choices, Chances, Changes.....You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.

Posts: 13769 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

He says if I write too much at once, he gets overwhelmed and is looking at what feels to him like a "wall of text" so he gets frustrated. I really try to condense things for him, but it can be really hard to say how you feel, and why and what you need in less than 50 words.
Some people, Russian or not, do not like walls of text and communicate better in person, with regular talking, than with reading and writing (I'm married to someone like that).

But believe me I am not defending your asshole, except to say one more time you both have HUGE issues and he has issues with you too, quite possibly some of them are legitimate in his way of thinking, but regardless of whether any of his gripes against you have merit, I repeat, it is time to put a period at the end of this relationship. You are not good for each other.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 1:56 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 5744 | Registered: Apr 2006
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

His action was never the problem that we dealt with, it was my *reaction* that he turned the focus on to and declared to be the issue. It was NEVER about the event that preceded my *talking to him in the wrong way or saying the wrong thing to him*.

Gonnabe2016 I so love your posts!!! So fucking true! This is the story of my life with WH. God forbid anyone makes him feel bad or uncomfortable in any way or he might just have to get back in a passive-aggressive bullsh*t kind of way. F*cktards

Sorry (((Kalliopeia))) I am in agreement that your WH is a total Douchebag. Keep your chin up hun brighter days ahead okay?

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 2:39 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
selkiescot
Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

lotsa red flags here. He is playing the manipulation game and damn it he's good at it. It goes something like this: I piss her off, she blows and then I can tell everyone No wonder I cheated. She's crazy.
It's right out of the emotional abusers handbook on page 23. 180 sounds really good here. Stop reacting and I think you need to do some digging.

[This message edited by selkiescot at 2:48 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1394 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I don't understand why other people deliberately inflcit hurt for no real reason, then escalate it and rage when they get an upset response :(

Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

((((Kalliopeia)))) Honey - you have to turn your focus away from him and trying to figure out what he's thinking/doing.

You are not ok right now, and self-care has to be your priority. Please see your doctor and get checked out.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25508 | Registered: Aug 2011
want_to_forgive
Member
Member # 20470
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Kalliopeia, I see a lot of the old me in you. A book that helped me tremendously was "Narcissistic Lovers" It is an easy read and it will help you understand his behavior, your responses, and why the only solution for you is absolute NO CONTACT.

Please read it. I stayed in a terrible marriage for 7 years after DDay, this book helped me find the strength to break away. I am now dating a wonderful man who would never dream of treating me the way my Ex did. There is a wonderful world out here away from the crazy.


M 11 years
Me: BS 38 Him: WS
DDay June 2006, LTA BFFOW
Divorced April 5, 2013
Not making a decision is making a decision.

Posts: 534 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Alaska
jackie89
Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Kallipeia, Please just listen to these wonderful people here. We have all gone through very similar situations.

Right now you are in the thick of it, and you love this man, we can see that, but what we can also see is that HE WILL ALWAYS TREAT YOU THIS WAY, for the rest of your life.

If it sounds like we are all being mean, its because we care. I know you can't see it right now.. so that's why everyone is telling to detach from him - once you'll start to detach, you will start to get stronger, and you will then see your situation much more clearly.

We are all saying, you are young, you can find REAL LOVE again. Love is not supposed to hurt. Love is reciprocated, when he is blocking you, he is manipulating you. Don't let him again!

Have a plan in your head, in writing as to what you going to do, or say - next time he contacts you.

If he unblocks you on SKYPE, then you don't talk to him - YOU BLOCK HIM. Block him on your phone. Change the locks in your place.

Do whatever it takes to detach from this guy.

He does not love you, and if he does, he does NOT love you ENOUGH.

You will survive this, you can do this. You are stronger than you think!


Separated/divorcing

"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~


Posts: 489 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I don't think anyone here is mean.

I am just sad because I hoped this time it was my fault and I could fix it.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I think most of us hoped that at one time. Reading through this thread is breaking my heart. Nobody deserves to be treated so poorly.

Posts: 1694 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I am just sad because I hoped this time it was my fault and I could fix it.


Hope you feel better soon.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7451 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

He is Russian. He learned English as a young man while he was studying at MIPT in Moscow.

Is this a long-distance relationship?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
jackie89
Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

How are you this morning?


Separated/divorcing

"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~


Posts: 489 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

He's disappeared MANY times in the past
Gently, this is not in the past. He is doing the same thing now, and blameshifting, to boot.

Marriages involve two people. His involves one: him.

As others have said, this is not going to change.

He is who he is.

Please don't be like me. Don't invest 3 decades of your life believing that there's something wrong with YOU, that if only YOU did something differently, he would love you the way he should.

He won't. He likely can't. At best, he just doesn't want to. At worst, he's missing that human microchip that allows him to form empathy and remorse.

His "disappearance" is ... a game. He relishes your response. It's mean, and it's sick, and it's one to which you can put an abrupt stop.

If there were ever a situation for which the 180 was invented, this is the one.

Do not engage in any more of the, "oh, please--talk to me! don't run away!" game.

It's not helping you, and he's getting off on it. Oh, sure--it might bug him sometimes. But don't for a MINUTE think he's not deriving satisfaction from the response he elicits.

Millions of hugs to you.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8728 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

It's not a long distance relationship.

I am going to go dark on him like one poster suggested. I am feeling really sad and humiliated.

What is the point of trying when someone goes to such extremes to hurt you? I don't feel the love and I don't feel the support and kindness.

And I think it is a game, too. I don't feel like playing it.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Kalli,

Very gently, I would be very shocked if what you feel is Love for this man.

It looks very much like you believe you deserve to be mistreated, and this guy fulfills that desire. This is very unhealthy on your part.

In fact, whatever you've done, you deserve to treat yourself well and to be treated well and to treat others well.

I urge you to get yourself into IC. If you're already doing it, consider getting a new IC.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:59 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10166 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
lynnm1947
Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

OK, and you are still with this guy (still in your head)....because? I don't read any redeeming qualities. Sorry if this is blunt, but I think your self-esteem needs a bit of a boost and you aren't going to get it hanging around this BIG LOSER.

[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 10:17 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7229 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

I hear you guys.

Wether I am with him in my head? Maybe. I am willing to essentially NC for the forseeable future and detach, THEN decide when I have a clearer head.

People commented here that he blameshifts. I feel incredibly guilty for my own actions. And helpless to convince him of how hurtful he is.

So basically I got nowhere to go, except NC.

I have other situations in my life that are in trouble too, my attention needs to be there.

And no, I don't feel the need to be treated badly.

I had a very good male friend last year who stepped in as he saw me going down under this stuff and he showed me what it is like to be cared for by a good guy.

Unfortunately he started to develope feelings for me and I realized I was relying on him too much, so I ended the friendship.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Safeguard
Member
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Hi K,
I was in a relationship just like the one you're describing. The incidentals were different, but the dynamic was exactly the same.

Everyone said the same things to me:

"you need to end this"...

"your looking for reason, where there is none."

"You two are are bad for each other".

But I couldn't end it. That relationship literally changed my brain chemistry in an OCD type of way.

I had children from my previous marriage, for their sake, I went to my Dr. I told him everything. I explained that I could not stop obsessing on this person.

He prescribed Zoloft, and a short course of Xanax. Only then was I able to do, what I knew for Sooo long was the only sane thing to do!

That relationship made me ill, for whatever reason. I simply could not stop the maddness. much like a person with OCD can't just "stop" compulsive hand washing.

Even with the medication, I still had to force myself, to start taking care of my life, and not look back. It was hard, but I was finally able to do it. Thank God!

Just throwing that out there for your consideration. You seem to be so stuck in that destructive loop. it's like a really strong Rip Tide. No shame in needing some help to get out.


"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

ironically, I started zoloft a week ago, along with xanax which I started in August.

Panic attacks.

[This message edited by Kalliopeia at 10:36 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Kalli,

I never visit the R forum so I am new to your story here, but the title of this thread caught my eye.

So as a new observer, just taking in the situation as you've described it here, I have two comments.

First, if this back-n-forth blocking, accusing, avoiding, blocking, accusing, avoiding cycle is the entire context of your relationship, why on earth are you trying to continue it? Is there anything positive coming out of this? It doesn't really sound like, and that's no way to live.

And second, I think you need to admit to yourself that him cheating was simply a deal breaker for you. I think you've lashed out and become this angry, unhappy version of yourself because you're trying to force yourself to accept something that is not acceptable. Not everyone can get past an A. And its OKAY if you are in that group. It doesn't mean you are weak, or mean, or too bitter or whatever else. It simply means that his action (HIS!!) crossed a line in your heart that you can't go back.

Please forgive yourself for not being able to forgive him. Stop punishing yourself by staying in this toxic relationship, and letting him abuse you like this. It's not worth it. HE'S not worth it.

It's time to move on and heal.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 866 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

My wife had really, really bad anxiety and anxiety attacks while she was taking welbutrin. Was definitely the meds. You should tell your doc that you're experiencing anxiety ASAP, if it is related to your meds there is no reason to torture yourself even more.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7451 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

The panic attacks are caused by anything he does that triggers off feelings I may be abandoned. This includes talking to other women, anything at all to do with the EA woman, his ex wife trying to pounce on him, him disappearing for more than a day without touching base. Him walking off in the middle of conversations.

And...the blocking.

Typically any discord is set off by him acting "affair-like".

And what I do is talk too much or write too much ( according to him because english is not his first language it really pisses him off)

I have said to him, since he knows I have panic attacks, why get so angry and start blocking?

The more he blocks, the more I panic and the more I talk/write.

I have been trying to break that reaction with the meds and IF I catch myself soon enough, it works just fine.

BUT his angry reactions and the whole immature walking out in a rage or blocking or saying things he really shouldn't be saying... just makes it worse.

And he says he is sorry for what he did. I tell him his "sorry" is when he is patient and takes the time to listen or help.

He says he wears out on it.

And to me, the last time he was still cheating was at the middle of May, 2013.

I shut down skype, etc.

It's not that I can't get over the affairs. It's that he is trying to rugsweep and gets angry and bullying if I am having a problem (triggering, or sad)

I understand it gets hard being the bad guy, and I try to pace myself so I am not taking on too much at once.

I just think he is being an ass right now. Well he blocked me, so he can be an ass by himself, because I blocked him back.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
megs56
Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 4:30 AM, October 4th (Friday)

I've been following your post Kalli and my heart hurts for you. It looks like you've already received a lot of great advice, so I just want you to know I'm thinking about you. Big hugs to you! I hope you are doing ok. Take care :)


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
Blobette
Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, October 4th (Friday)

I didn't have to read past the part about how he hasn't had contact with his kids to know... THIS GUY IS AN ASSHOLE. You've said his ex is crazy, but that's you if you stay with this guy. Look at how he treats others - clearly, like shit.

And I agree with everyone that you really have to figure out why you find this acceptable. Please see an IC. And I literally blinked and shook my head about how you found a nice guy but ditched him when he developed feelings for you. WTF? Let me say that again. WTF? What is THAT about? And yet you're drawn to this abusive ASSHOLE? Please, please think about this.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2012
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, October 4th (Friday)

Maybe you should contact this guy again...and see if he's still interested in being your friend?
I had a very good male friend last year who stepped in as he saw me going down under this stuff and he showed me what it is like to be cared for by a good guy.

Unfortunately he started to develope feelings for me and I realized I was relying on him too much, so I ended the friendship.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6126 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, October 4th (Friday)

read dare 2 love's idea a few times

Maybe ask yourself why you don't want to dump this fucker and start a friendship and see where it leads...

why eat the rotten apple when you can have the nice crispy, juicy one?


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

Because I am not attracted to the man and I cannot turn off my own feelings and go after someone else.

I am currently trying to step back from the current situation. The danger for me at this point is that I am hurt and angry... and he managed to get a message to me through my online business saying he is just so hurt and upset and just not READY to kiss and makeup again.

Which is something I am really angry to hear. Not angry that he is "making me wait" but that he has done SO MANY horrible and hurtful things and I feel I am being manipulated to try and get me to believe that it was ME who was so terrible.

He went back to blocking me, too.

wtf all of this blocking crap?

Is this commom behavior? Do all of you go around blocking people?


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

Because I am not attracted to the man and I cannot turn off my own feelings and go after someone else.

More than reasonable and very healthy

however ditch the rotten apple

Is this commom behavior? Do all of you go around blocking people?

Well yes I do, but that it does not include my WH. It generally includes his crazy hick family and my psychopath family. And ofcourse the OWs

ofcourse it's not normal to block your loved one

He went back to blocking me, too.

wtf all of this blocking crap?

I'm sorry I really don't understand, why you are still with him. I'm sure you feel there is a very good reason but I feel like it would of been articulated by now.

The blocking and your still attachment to him reminds me of my 'boyfriend' when I was thirteen and fourteen. He used to block me all the time but I "really really likkkeeee him"

Now I'm sure you don't describe your feelings like thirteen and fourteen year old, but unfortunately he is still behaving like one and you are still taking him back.

Now you are older than that and I would hope that somewhere along the line you would feel that you deserve more and act upon that.

If he refuses to better himself, if he refuses to implement changes etc etc

well there's nothing left for you to work with

"there's only one thing worse than staying in a relationship for______ and ____"


it's staying for one more day


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

I am acting upon it. I am stepping back to detach so I can function and leaving him to his blocking and silent treatments alone. If I actually wanted to talk to him, I could get around his blocking, but basically I don't want to feed into what I regard is stupid hurtful behavior.

As for him changing.. well there have been a lot of changes on his part. Except THIS which is what he does when he gets into a massive rage. Which hasn't happened for 6 months. His wig out isn't what actually gets to me, what gets to me is the extended "silent treatment" afterwards, then the attempt to convince me I have victimized him.

Someone else posted a thread with a link about cognative dissonance. I went and listened to the story on NPR. I think there is a lot of merit for it in my situation. So I am thinking about it.

I personally do not go around blocking people who aren't harrassing me. Even if I AM mad at them. I tend to just let it go.

[This message edited by Kalliopeia at 8:19 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, October 7th (Monday)

If I actually wanted to talk to him, I could get around his blocking, but basically I don't want to feed into what I regard is stupid hurtful behavior.

this is fantastic :)

what gets to me is the extended "silent treatment" afterwards, then the attempt to convince me I have victimized him.

You know, I was thinking about this and when I signed up to SI. Everyone told me to leave my WH. I had an arsehole who made me do his university assignments so we didn't get into further debt. He was violent. Never spoke to me about his feelings. Spat on me, chocked me etc etc. Refused to work

And ofcourse the cheating

Your sign up date was March 2012, I am not sure if this was your dday but we'll take it that it is

My Violent dday was September 23 2012, (although there was all the other signs of DV that year) Cheating dday was October 4,8

Since May of this year
-> no more physical DV
-> no silent treatment
-> now has two jobs whilst studying his masters (and now I don't work because he wanted me to 'recover')
-> although I still help him greatly with his writtens he does 70% of the work instead of 0%
-> no porn
-> no cheating
-> no more 'poor me'

However
-> whilst he is working on his bad thoughts of imagening girls naked they do happen on average twice a day
-> we did have a verbal dv about a week ago but all factors considering I've moved on (because he was very sorry)

In the however section I can live with those two things, it took me a really long time to accept that the naked girls and an occasional verbal crap will happen. But the only thing that has gotten me through that is he wants to change he does the effort and above all he talks to me about it so we can work through it together.

I think maybe you should do a list in your head or on paper and really take stock of what is going on. I could not of accepted any of these if he didn't recognise he had to change for the betterment of our relationship.

You deserve much more. I could understand truly if this was June 2012 but it's not. I think you're right to 180 him because you can't will someone to change or have empathy for your feelings.


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 65