New Beginnings
User Topic: Random Polling: Do you Beat yourself up for little things?
Member # 32729
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

I'm just curious, how much of us (BS) have anxiety?

Like, I have always somewhat been a bit of an anxious person, and I've done a great job with a lot of my healing, but.. sometimes I find myself beating myself up for saying or doing something wrong, does that make sense?

Like, I beat myself up for stuff that others would tend to let go and worry I think too much about what other people think. I think it's a part of just not feeling good enough and that I need to be better. I think it comes in waves, not sure if it's a BS thing or a me thing. Just curious if others did the same?

Maybe I'm just a little nuts!

Me: fBW 31
DDays: May 31 2011 & Aug 6 2011. Divorced November 14, 2011 (No Kids)

Posts: 282 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: New York City
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

No. I used to but now I am okay with making mistakes sometimes. I expect myself to make mistakes and I understand that everyone makes them sometimes.

My big issue is that I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.....

Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15288 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)


If it is nuts, then add me to the nut pile.

Working on this very thing in IC.

Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

I second guess myself after I've said or done something. I can't tell you how many "do-over" conversations I've had in my head.

It's not something that started with the infidelity/becoming a BS, though. I've done it as long as I can remember.

Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect

Posts: 12164 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)


1) Perfectionism
2) Caring too much what others think.

Obviously they are linked.

Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

I do but I've been working on it. It got worse when I was with my ex because she was hyper-critical of everything and I always felt like a failure. Since Dday and divorce, I've been working on building self-esteem and being satisfied with "good enough" while also maintaining my ambition and drive to improve.

I still haven't figured it out yet.

Posts: 1731 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Sad in AZ
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

No; absolutely not. I allow myself to be very imperfect. You know, there are cultures that purposely make mistakes in their work because only 'God' is perfect.

My house is always a little (well, a lot) messy, my cakes are lopsided, my sewing is a bit crooked and my knitting, well, let's just say those mistakes are not 'on purpose'

Work is a bit different. I go all out to do things correctly because is matters to someone else, but in my personal life, I have no problem being a little off (no comments )

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20281 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I used to. I stopped around the time I got divorced.

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13798 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Sometimes, but I try not to. For example, I get a bit mad at myself for misplacing my glasses or phone. I could have them in my hand, but decide I need something else before I go out the door, set the item down (somewhere???) while looking for the other needed item. Then I get so mad at myself for having to look for the original item I had already had in my hand and forgetting where I left it! I call myself an idiot.

But I think this is a bad thing to do. On some level, I know this is a normal trait and not really something to consider myself an "idiot" for even though I still wish I would not do it. There are other things I do that I get mad at myself for, too.

Posts: 5760 | Registered: Apr 2006
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I'm the biggest worrier I know!

"Sometimes your knight in shining armor just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12

Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I am self employed and feel very financially vulnerable after that lovely combo of recession plus divorce. So every activity I do I second guess myself...if I'm relaxing a voice says Focus on xyz project!, if I focus on xyz project then a voice says What about abc project!, and if I focus on abc it says Relax! There are always a lot of shoulds in my head.

I have to sit down w this voice sometimes and negotiate a cease fire.

BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5857 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Member # 32729
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Thanks all - maybe it's a personality thing and just the way I'm wired!

I realize I get upset with myself for not saying or doing the right thing, and being a better person.

Part of it that's resurfacing now - could be because I'm taking some classes to get a certificate in my professional field. So, I'm tired with the extra projects, class and work. It reminds me of when I was going to grad school and working that last year of my marriage. My XH said that was one of the reasons we 'grew apart' and he cheated, so maybe a part of me thinks, omg, I'm doing it again! I'm putting my professional life ahead of my personal life and I'll die alone, lol.

I know it sounds crazy. I went to IC just during the A for a short period of time but didn't have insurance. Now I have insurance again and think I'm ready to go back. First appointment in 2 years tonight (new person in a new town) so I know I have to shop around. But, I'm proud of myself for starting again. Baby steps.

Just curious, sometimes I feel like I'm a bit crazy, does everyone feel on some level they're a bit crazy? lol. I think I'm watching too much of United States of Tara on Netflix.. Thank God I finished the series yesterday :)

Me: fBW 31
DDays: May 31 2011 & Aug 6 2011. Divorced November 14, 2011 (No Kids)

Posts: 282 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: New York City
Member # 29293
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

No I don't. I know I'm far from perfect, and I'm ok with that.

BS (Me): 40 STBXWW (Her): 40
M: 15 Years, 2 Awesome Boys

Five simple rules of happiness:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

Posts: 712 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Alberta
Member # 40564
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Just curious, sometimes I feel like I'm a bit crazy, does everyone feel on some level they're a bit crazy?

Yes. In my IC session yesterday I repeatedly said that I think I'm "losing my mind." I can't stop thinking about all the bad decisions I've made, the wrong things I've done, said, and believed that have led me down this painful road of losing my best friend and the life I knew. I am second guessing practically every decision I've made for the past...hmmm... how about 14 years. It really feels like crazy to me: my mind, as I knew it, is gone.

But what my IC said was: I want you to lose your mind. Lose the part that is second guessing and being so hard on yourself. MUCH easier said than done, but really good stuff to think about.

Posts: 117 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I think I'm a little bit better about not beating myself up, but I worry ALL THE TIME about things that I cannot control. I even tell myself, "You're doing everything that you can to fix the situation; worrying is not going to help or to change anything."

Yet, I still do it. I'm tired of being anxious (literally).

BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Add me to the nut pile. I constantly beat myself up and I love to say 'sorry'. Still learning to take my power back. One of these days...

Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Just curious, sometimes I feel like I'm a bit crazy, does everyone feel on some level they're a bit crazy?
Yes but I embrace it. I tell everyone I'm just a little bit crazy. My guy says a little crazy is a good thing, as long as I'm not entirely psycho.....

I am constantly forgetting and losing things these days. I get a bit ticked off but then I remind myself that my brain is overloaded with all the crap I am dealing with....our ancestors didn't live in such a busy busy world with a million things to do every day and we aren't wired to deal with constant input, so I give myself some slack.....

Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15288 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Exit Wounds
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

No, I don't beat myself up. I work two jobs and go to school and have my kids full time. What's there to beat myself up over?
Am I perfect?
BUT! I am doing a damn good job doing my best!
Therefore, I don't beat myself up. I praise myself

Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 3:16 AM, October 7th (Monday)

I beat myself up at not being able to remember things,,,I was never like this before Dday.

I am given instructions at work to do 3 things. I completely cannot recall one of the things to do!

I can tell my thought processes are not "there", and thus I have lots of reasons to beat myself up!

Thank you for this post,, I realize I am hard on myself for something that is a direct result of the A.

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2206 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 19