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User Topic: Brave or Weak?
Blobette
Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

One of the things I've been struggling with is the feeling of being weak for trying to R. I'd appreciate people's thoughts.

We had a MC session on Monday and were talking about my reaction on finding out about the A. I told WH that I adored him, that he was a precondition for my happiness, that I loved him. All things I felt were profoundly true. I begged him to stay with me. Later, when talking about how he decided to stay with me, he said that that was pivotal to him -- the AP was furious when she found out that he had confessed to me about the A - - angry and, he felt, vindictive. At that point he started to realize who she was.

Well, that's all very nice. But isn't that just saying that he saw that I was a doormat, who would love him despite his reprehensible behavior? That I would put up with crap? That I was weak because I loved him so much, even after his confession?

The MC and WH were trying to convince me that what I said was incredibly brave. The MC was saying that it was amazing strong of me to open up myself to being hurt, despite what he had done. I was strong enough to expose my vulnerability.

Eh. I dunno about that. I'm still plagued by this lingering feeling that if I were a stronger person, I'd move on without him. Intellectually, I know this is silly -- we have built a good life together and even with the A he's been a pretty good H, by any standard. And he's certainly been working hard on R.

I think maybe some of these feelings are due to the fact that this whole thing is something I was throw into -- we're all eating a shit sandwich not of our own making. Trouncing off and divorcing would at least be a show of agency, of freedom, of exerting choice. Instead, here I am dealing with all of these CRAP feelings while at the same time trying to re-build the relationship. Which means I have to control myself and be nice and constructive. (We have kids, so this means letting some of my feelings out has to be carefully timed.)

Bit of a ramble...


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Oh honey, I think the same thing.
Do we need to first forgive ourselves for staying in our marriages?
Are we betraying ourselves when we stay because staying implies that we will, in fact, put up with this. An almost "it's ok if you abuse me" thing..

I'm learning that one of the biggest struggles a BS has is with themsrlves..

Hugs to you! I understand....


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5253 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
mixedintherut
Member
Member # 40330
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I struggle with this.

I don't think R or D make anyone more brave or more weak then any other person. Ultimately you have to do what is right for you and your family. Neither is a walk in the park, both having their own roller coaster associated with it.


DD 1: PA 12/4/09 He spent 2.5 years with OW1
R: 8/31/2012
DD 2: EA 8/16/13
BS: 26
WH: 25
1 young daughter.
Terribly disgusted. He refuses to give up his "friend". Headed towards D.

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: kentucky
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

No, you ARE brave. If he had walked out anyway, you wouldn't have had any "what if" moments or regrets and not having given it your all.
It is soooo much easier, not liberating, to walk out and quit.
A M is supposed to be for life.
I poured my heart out to my WH when I first found out too!
We had R for about 6 weeks.
When he redeployed, she started contacting him every single day. She played the I'm so helpless and you big strong KISA I need you even if we can only be friends card.
He finally caved and started his KISA crap. After a few weeks, it was false R.
I recognize, and he admitted, that he is the one that is pathetic. He has a sick need for constant attention.
I walked. Filed for legal separation as soon as he sent the first email back to her. Hacked into his emails
Anyway, going through LS. I have to wait now another 30 days before I can file for D because of some crazy cooling off period.
Anywho, now he doesn't come back until Christmas, so I will have him served.
I have no regrets. Yes, I swallowed my pride, but I don't regret it. If it had worked out, why should I have thrown away my M for a piece of sh.t Shrek looking tramp. I worked too hard for everything we had.
It is an individual choice. My STBXH had a lot of good in him, and he was PA abusive at times, but he was also sweet, funny, loving. He was worth the effort, but he went into the fog from the shame and his own weakness.
Good luck and don't beat yourself up. You did what you were supposed to do for your M.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2329 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Trying to work it out is a show of strength on the BS' part, I think. OTOH, it's also a show of strength to walk away from an unremorseful WS.

But isn't that just saying that he saw that I was a doormat, who would love him despite his reprehensible behavior? That I would put up with crap? That I was weak because I loved him so much, even after his confession?

I think it speaks to the WS sense of entitlement. The WS has to know on some level that their is a real possibility that BS may just leave. But they're gambling on the fact that WS won't. That was the sense I got from my XH.

I'm still plagued by this lingering feeling that if I were a stronger person, I'd move on without him.

Maybe, maybe not. I left my XH, but I don't feel terribly strong. Still think about it/him far, far too much. I think either route is going to be incredibly difficult, rendering the strength issue moot. BS is going to need it regardless of what they pick.

(((Blobette)))


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 762 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Razor
Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

This is something I struggled with for a long time.

After Dday WW told me she thought I was weak for taking her back because she would not do the same for me had I cheated.

I stayed because I was listening when I made my vows. I admit hoping for more of the better and less of the worse tho.

In the end it doesnt matter what other people think. We do what we do because we feel it is the right thing. We act with integrity and having integrity takes allot of strength.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I see this as a BOTH/AND solution.

At points since his affair discovery you have been both shattered by your pain AND found strength you never knew you possessed.

if I were a stronger person, I'd move on without him.

I think this is a common fear -- i.e., fear of the unknown future -- and less a matter of strength.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Do we need to first forgive ourselves for staying in our marriages?

Yeah, I think R is impossible unless we do.

IDK ... Blobette, what's important is what you think. Were you brave or weak?

Hint - if you told your H these things with an undertone that you were willing to let him continue cheating, that sounds weak. If you said what you aid in a context of demanding NC and commitment from your H, 'weak' is pretty far from what you were.

IMO, saying 'this is what I desperately want' when you knew you might not get it sounds very brave to me.

But beyond that, I urge you to forgive yourself for anything you thought, felt, or said during the early days. That was completely uncharted territory for you (and for all of us); it's absolutely natural to make mistakes and to say things that turn out not to be accurate reflections of your long term thoughts and feelings.

Besides, if you were splitting, you might be telling yourself if you were stronger, you'd be in R.

You wanted to R. You worked (and continue to work) for R. That's requires strength and bravery.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10345 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Dreamland
Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Oh me too. I feel like this daily. Am I just too weak to leave. But when I think about leaving or him dying( he's sick) I start panicking and having anxiety attacks because when we met he was my soulmate. He completed
My H says I am brave because I say. He says it's easier to leave and get rid of the shit(himself) and start clean without all the baggage associated with the A.
But I continue to battle thinking that if I were strong I would dump his ass for cheating on me. It only happened to me once a long time ago before I got married and I swore to myself that I would never stay with a cheater.
I always said this was a deal breaker no matter what. I often think that my daughter thinks I sold out or I am too weak. She can't understand why I would stay with him since he disrespected me by cheating. I wonder that as well


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Blobette
Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Thanks, all, for your thoughts and your knd words. I am very lucky that my WH defogged pretty quickly and committed himself to R. So there was never any question of me tolerating ongoing cheating. He KNOWS that a second DD would kill me, and I would be out tout suite. In fact, he knows I've been actively considering leaving. So there's no question, realistically, that staying = condoning what he did.

I suppose I knd of hate the "you're so strong" thing at this point. I don't WANNA be strong. I am so fucking TIRED of holding it together, being constructive and civilized. I do probably still love my DH, but it's so buried now under hurt that it's really hard to feel, and certainly not in that pure, uncomplicated way I did before DD.

There is a lot of fear of the unknown and I would be devastated to lose this marriage. Honestly, I don't think I would be able to be happy if I left. I do think my WH loves me and it seems stupid to give that up... I don't know does that mean I haven't really done the work?

Obviously I'm a bit down. Some very stressful stuff is gong on at work... I'm up for tenure, and my department is in the midst of considering my case, so lots of daily reminders of my tenuous position. **sigh**


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 10