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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: I finally moved and of course he is pissed...
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I beat him to the punch. I moved. I did it swiftly and I had to lie to get my son out of my in-laws house. I hate that I had to do it this way, but he was clearly setting things up to look good for the courts. I also moved before I was served any papers in regards to him filing. I found out after I moved that he did file, but he didn't pay the filing fee. So no summons has been issued and I'm well within my legal right to move. My attorney has double and triple checked this.

I have also been telling STBXH fpr a while now that I wanted to move in with my parents because juggling everything was too much for me alone and living without my family's support was difficult.

I felt like a sitting duck...I had to come home for the moral and financial support of my family. I get to keep my job and benefits (yay!) and although this didn't go the way I would have liked, I had to protect my son. My attorney advised me to inform him of my move. He replied. I know I should have given him crickets, but I replied to his reply.

As my family, coworkers, friends, and attorney are saying, I will not hand over my son to anyone until we have time sharing orders in place. I was petrified when I left. This man left us. He left us and for the most part he just saw his son here and there when he felt like it...and of course for that special bonding time in the car. For some stupid reason I held out hope that he would come around and want to be a family, and unfortunately for me he was playing me like a fiddle and making his plans the whole time. I hate the way this happened, but I've been on this site too long to keep getting blindsided.

I thought I'd share the emails, sorry if this is too lengthy.

Me telling him I moved:

Former Taxi Driver,

I am writing to inform you of my recent move. I have relocated to my parents home. I have expressed to you in the past my need for financial support and the emotional support of my family during this difficult time. Unfortunately I was not able to remain in [City], especially since you have informed me that you are not providing any type of financial support for DS' expenses, including housing, medical expenses, and supplies.

Our landlady has been notified that I have relocated and that my parents will be collecting my furniture and other belongings that are still at [address]. As you have expressed to both me and landlady, you no longer reside at that address, so I will let you know when you can renter the property to collect the remainder of your things.

Newmom


His reply:

I never said I would not support DS. I simply asked for an amount and a receipt which you never provided. I did not tell landlady I no longer reside there. I told her I would not be signing another lease on my behalf and whatever you two worked out is between you. So I will be moving my stuff and preparing the house to turn back over as is convenient for me.

I would help you financially but you wont communicate with me. And you have cut me off from my son. I guess you havent though about it, but you have really hurt my parents with this. I cant believe you lied to my mother. She quit her job for us and DS and this is how you repay her. It will also hurt DS. He loves them. I called the pediatrician. DS did not have an appointment yesterday. Which also means he is behind on his vaccinations. He also will not have health insurance when you quit your job.

I am his father and I have every legal right to come get my son. I will meet you halfway on Friday to pick him up and we will meet again in the same place Sunday night.


[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 9:36 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I know I should have just given him crickets at this point, but I had to put this out there. I copied his mom and sister on my reply. I do feel bad that I had to leave the way I did, but he knows me and he attempted to make me feel bad like I created this situation. He clearly didn't think about the impact any of this had on his own parents. And as my mom said today, he is so stupid, if he would have kept me happy I probably would have stayed. He tipped me off by his email stating that he was prepared to take DS and the dogs to live with him. For 7 months he hasn't cared about the day to day care of his son and now he's prepared to take him from me?

So this was my reply:

It was never my intention to hurt your mother or father. I am forever grateful for their assistance and time. DS loves his grandparents and shares a special relationship with all of his family members on both sides.

DS will continue to have a relationship with both you and your family during your scheduled visitation, which has yet to be determined. I have not taken DS from you, I have simply relocated to get on my feet financially. Once the time sharing orders are in place we will both have our time with our son.

I am well within my legal right to move at this time. You stopped communicating with me when you moved and established a new domicile and failed to notify me or provide me with your address. You also lied when I asked you why you were selling the boat and why our landlady was receiving phone calls about your rental history at the beginning of September. You did not attempt to work with me about DS' future while you were making your plans. Your email on 9/30 about DS' schedule came to me well after you had taken care of yourself first, and informed me that you would not be providing financial assistance for housing.

If your family is hurt, I refer them to you and maybe you can explain the decisions you have made in terms of communication, financial support, etc. You were equally aware of the fact that your mom gave up her job, in fact it was your idea to have her watch him full time. I would think you would be more mindful of this when you were making plans, telling lies, and deciding to go back on your word about helping with rent and finances. They may have been aware of your plans all along, but perhaps it is as shocking to them as it was to me to find out you were not keeping your word to help me financially.

I've wished for an amicable co-parenting relationship but you do not seem concerned with that. My wish is that DS has his time with both families as the courts see fit.

As I have told you repeatedly, I too need the support of my family. While I was actively searching for a place in [City], once you informed me of your intent to not provide financial support for housing, it wasn't possible for me to continue to pay childcare, a deposit for a new place, and pay the utility expenses and other costs in the next 30 days.

Do not worry about DS' vaccinations or medical insurance, I am on top of his medical care.

Also, please refer to your email dated 9/30/13 where you state you no longer reside at [address].


His reply:

I never lied about anything regarding why anyone received phone calls. I needed to take out a loan on the truck. I needed to sell the boat. I take care of myself to take care of my son. He is all I care about and I will fight for him. If you do not bring him to me on Frday evening, I will come get him myself. You should be an adult and figure out whats best for your son instead of what you "cant" do. Whats best for him is the consistent care and love he has been receiving.

Again, I cant and wont assist you financially if you wont communicate with me.

You are not "on top" of his medical care and even if you say you are I do not believe you. You lied about his pediatrician appointment and missed his scheduled appointment. That is not "on top" of his medical care.

My reply: CRICKETS.

My parents live across the street from a police department. My sister is a police officer. I will hand over my son when I have a court order to do so and I can ensure he will be returned to me safely. And please note, I have no intention of keeping my son from his father, I just had to protect myself.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 9:38 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Talk to your L - no more emails to him. Crickets from now on - only comms through Ls.

I would not have moved unless I was forced to and it sounds like you were forced to.

How far away have you moved? Have you thought about how parenting arrangements will work going forward once the arrangements are in place? Will you have him do all of the driving or meet him half-way?

It is an awful situation all around. I am glad you are safe and surrounded by support during this time.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

NewMom0220, you are doing the right thing. You have to protect yourself and your DS and you are doing so. ((Hugs))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4609 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

We are only 3 hours away. I didn't move out of state or anything crazy like that. But had I stayed, I wouldn't have been able to move outside of the school zone without STBXH's permission, and right now I just need my family and the $ to ensure I'm well represented.

I love my son and I want him to have a good relationship with his father. Right now he is an infant and his father has never even given him a bath or watched him overnight. He was too busy hanging at the bar..etc.

I agree on Crickets. No contact is great. And he is just going to keep insulting me and trying to intimidate me. At least here I don't need to worry about watching my back or fearing that I will drop my son off and not get him back. The "consistent care and love he has been receiving" that STBXH is referring to is actually the consistent care that I HAVE GIVEN HIM, not my in-laws. He is such an asshole and if someone would have told me 8 months ago that my husband was going to do any of the above I would have bet a million dollars that they were wrong.

StrongButBroken- you are one of the posters I constantly quote in my head. Thank you for your support and advice. This place is awesome. You all have excellent spidey senses.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

No. More. Communication.

You said your peace. Now let your lawyer communicate from this point on.

IF it's suggested that you allow your WH to see his son (and I bet it will be suggested), then do it in your parents' home. Do not let him take your son or you'll probably never have him again. Make that douchebag come to your parents' home and see his son THERE. In the living room. He doesn't get to take the baby anywhere. He is NEVER left alone with the baby. Have your dad pull his own vehicle behind your WH's so he can't take the baby & drive off. Block him in.

Very few jurisdictions force overnight visitation for infants.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Well done, all around. And, as others have said, crickets.

((hugs)) <3

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 9:56 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Nature_Girl,

Thank you! Great advice as always. And I agree...no more communication. I've said more than I had to say. I didn't need to respond to his reply, but I felt those things needed to be said. The more I reply, the more it feeds the beast and he will twist everything anyway.

As he is clearly NPD, I don't foresee this D as being an easy one. His whole thing is control and his son is his "prize" to be won. It's ironic because of the many, many, many, many times I've said, come and get him, come and see him, dressed him up for his dad to pick him up and he was either too sick (hungover), working (happy hour), or fill in the blank. Unfortunately I didn't document all of that because I was still in lalaland trying to figure out how to save my marriage.

Maybe someone else will learn from my experience. And I can honestly tell my son I did everything in my power to try and reconcile with his dad and this is just the way it went.

PL- Thanks Lady! Crickets is my new mantra.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 9:58 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
LeopoldB
Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

NM,

Can you arrange for your sister to be with you and your family this Friday and weekend?

Just a thought.

I do not like the tone of your H's comment about taking his son back.


Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Get "Splitting" by Bill Eddy. Also, "One Mom's Battle" by Tina Swithin (also on Facebook).

You need to brace yourself.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201102/help-im-divorcing-narcissist

http://gettinbetter.com/casanova.html

http://forum.dadsdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?t=13374

http://www.webofnarcissism.com/forums/index.php/board,34.0.html

http://www.sarahtateauthor.com/cluster-b%27s.html

ETA: read up on "narcissistic rage" and "narcissistic injury"

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 10:44 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I really want to give you a huge hug and high five. He sounds like a controlling prick. I don't get why it was ok for him to have his family support but not you? I'm relieved to hear you triple checked with your attorney because he will play the victim now. Why is it ok with him that he does what he has to do to protect himself but you can't? It is more than great that you are with your parents and your sister is near by.

Yes, you can honestly tell your son that you tried to reconcile with his father. But now, you need to protect you and your son. Do not engage with your stbx any more. His previous emails (on your last post) looked like he was writing it for the judges eyes. Keep all emails. Keep all texts. Document everything.

Good luck and please take care!!


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2271 | Registered: Oct 2012
peridot
Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

When he texts or emails you again about visitation, ignore him. Actually don't reply to him at all. If you haven't already, the next time he contacts you, tell him to contact your attorney. You need to go complete NC.

I have dealt with a NPD person. Do not let him in your parents house at all. It doesn't matter who is there. Heck, I wouldn't even agree to meeting him at all.

If he were to try and grab your son, run with him... there is not a damn thing you can do without a custody order.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4788 | Registered: Feb 2008
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

NewMom

You are so strong!! I thought your reply was perfect and that is all you ever need to say to him ever again.

And you provoked a reply from him that reiterates that he "will not support you". What an idiot

I am really proud of you. Now follow NG's advice. Without a court order he CAN take DS and not give him back. While you do not want to deny him visitation, you also do not want to give him the opportunity to "legally kidnap" your son. I have see that happen.

Stay strong. Try to get some sleep and try to eat.

(((hugs)))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17687 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 3:57 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

I needed to take out a loan on the truck. I needed to sell the boat. I take care of myself to take care of my son.

This pretty sums it all up. Its all about him and his needs. What does this asshole think that the kid should starve while he sells his boat or get a loan on his truck ? As a man who was hosed royally by the court system and a very greedy XWS. The one thing I never fought about was CS. My CS has been paid on time with many extras I might add since the day I walked out the door. I cant stand men who withhold support and then claim to love their kids. He can pull whatever excuse he wants out of his lying ass. Bottom line is that children need to eat, be clothed and housed, have proper medical care etc. Withholding support because there is a lack of a "receipt" or any other excuse is plain old neglect. Note to all the guys out there. If you make babies, support them.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5730 | Registered: Nov 2007
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Bravo Stronger, wished my ex would take a leaf out of your book.

New Mom I just wanted to wish you well in your almighty battle you have on your hands. I am glad you are with your family for support. Please protect yourself.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1361 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
need_hope
Member
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Well done NewMom. If your STBX shows up for visitation I totally agree with the other posters. Don't let him take the baby anwhere - visitation at your parents house only, park him in so he can't run out with your son and, if possible, have your police officer sister and maybe a police officer friend of hers over for dinner on Friday night. That should get his panties in a twist.

And I agree with NC as it pertains to actually engaging in conversation with your STBX but I would talk to your lawyer and come up with some appropriate wording that you can set up as an auto-reply for any incoming email messages from him. Something along the lines of - "My lawyer has requested that all communication pass through him/her. He/She can be contacted at xyz." That way, you get to totally ignore him without him being able to say you're ignoring him.

Also, set up a "Douchebag" folder in your email account and have all of his messages automatically transferred there so it isn't in your face when you open your email inbox. You can then, in your own time, choose to read it or not.


Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10
DIVORCED 12/12

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.


Posts: 1741 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
chikastuff
Member
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Ditto what everyone else has said.

Also, just to close the loop. I'm sure you've already don it, but if not, please make sure you get your son to see someone for his vaccinations and well baby. And make sure you keep a receipt of the appointment and a record stating that he's up to date on his shots. You don't have to take him to the doc on the EXACT date he turns 3, 6, 9, 12 months, but it should be within a week or two of it.


Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
20Hopeful16
Member
Member # 40487
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

I can't give better advice than what everyone has already given, but I just wanted to say I am really proud of you for making this move to take care of yourself. I read your previous post, and I was really hoping that you would make this decision.

Good luck!


Me: BS (39)
Three Beautiful Children 12,9,5
DD: 8/24/13
Heading for divorce
Moving on with life

Posts: 107 | Registered: Aug 2013
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

NewMom

You sound stronger and, I daresay, happier than you ever have!

Cogratulations on taking control and taking the best action for you & your son!!


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Topic Posts: 19