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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: The last time I see her
sunsetslost
Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Looking for some advice or input friends. My STBX is working on a refinance to keep the house. If it goes well I could conceivably be free in 30 days. I'll probably stick around town for awhile, spend the holidays with my family here. Save some pay checks and head to the beach first of the year.

I have been thinking about the last time I see her. I'll see her at closing of course but I was wondering your thoughts on a last get together. The deed is done. I have some things I want to say to her and some questions I want to ask. Face to face. I want to bring a bottle of champagne, toast in the glasses we had specially made for the wedding, then smash them. I don't want to be nasty and I'll not permit her to be either. I just want a little closure. Or should I just walk away? Not even let her know I'm gone until I reach out come tax season?

Thanks


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Jul 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Save the champagne and heartfelt talks for when you meet a lady who's got a heart that's true blue for only you.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

There is no closure in any of this. Don't poke the bear in hopes of finding it. Strictly business.

Posts: 1323 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Walk away.

You will never get your chance to say what you need to say and then ride off into the sunset with a giant sigh of relief after the ceremonial glass smash. That's a good fantasy, but not a reality.

Unfortunately, they leave us enveloped in a mess and we are left to our own devices to climb out of it and find our own version of closure. It's a process and won't happen all at once.

I think the closest we ever get to closure is acceptance that what's done is done and that the person you married is dead.

Focus on you and your awesome plan of moving away to the beach. Find your center and your peace and your new you without her. She's no longer part of this. It's all about you.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2505 | Registered: Jan 2011
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

My X still has two beautiful hand blown champagne flutes that my mom gave us on a our wedding day. I have no idea why he kept them.

I can completely understand the symbolism to you but really those things seldom go well. I'd like to have at least one of those beautiful flutes back. My X and I are even civil bordering on friendly and I still would not go there.

No amount of answers. No amount of talking. No amount of symbolism will ever add any more closure, provide understanding or add to the healing.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8258 | Registered: Apr 2008
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Sunsetslost

Just walk away. No questions, no speech, no emotion or last parting sentiment. Don't give her any reaction, just a poker-face. When she is alone (or not) some day in the future (distant or not so distant), in the still darkness of the night, unable to sleep, and her mind is turning, ---let her think of you walking away, what she did, what she had and what she lost. Not the ego boost of showing emotional reaction of losing her, she is not worth it, don't give her even that. Leave with your honest faithful head held high. YOU kept your vows.

[This message edited by shiloe at 7:39 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 491 | Registered: Mar 2003
LifeIsBroken
Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

You shouldn't have to see her at the closing.... make an appointment to take care of your signature either prior to her or after her. You do not have to do it together. And why bother ? Guaranteed, you will be more upset by seeing her than she will by seeing you. If cheaters cared, they wouldn't do what they do. It would be only hurtful to you. Don't see her, don't tell her where you are, where you're going, nothing. It's no longer any of her business.


Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 362 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

I can feel your need for closure, stated perfectly and symbolically reinforced. Unfortunately, the unanimous advice you've been given here continues with my opinion. Sorry. You could try, but it just won't work.

You will find closure, but not through her. It will come, in time, from within you.

I like LifeIsBroken's advice to sign the documents before she arrives. Next best, sign them, shake everyone's hand at the table,including hers, friendly, as though you're OK. Turn around and walk out.

(O.K. ..... You could casually take your wedding ring off and just casually toss it in the trash can, on the way out the door, if you could pull that off!)

Seriously, my friend, I feel your pain. For me, there was no closure other than the realization that my xWW was and is not the person I thought she was, did not want the same things I wanted and cared much less for me than I thought.

Strength to you.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 803 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Must Survive
Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

SL,

Just call your real estate agent or the closing company. Explain that the signings will need to be conducted separately, with NO chance of seeing her. Either different days or pm/am. They have to do this ALL the time.

Don't put yourself through the emotional turmoil of seeing her and signing away your home.


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 591 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Someone on here far wiser than me said not to ask your wayward spouse those questions, because, "the answer you get will not be the answer you seek."

Which is so true. There is no answer she can give you that will make any of this okay, or justifiable. Nothing she can say that will make you feel any better. Based on my own experience, I can say that a harsh response from her will hurt. But a kind one will hurt worse. Because it will remind you of what has been lost.

For that same reason, I engineered things carefully at the end, regarding signatures, paperwork etc to avoid seeing XWH. I found that just seeing him was painful, because on the surface he still resembles someone that I loved with all my heart. And that was heart breaking, because I now know that he is not that person inside.

Are they his and hers glasses? Get together with some good friends, toast to your strength, your courage, and your new beginning. Smash her glass, but keep yours forever, to remind you that she is the one who was broken in the relationship, not you.

((hugs)) and hope whatever you decide to do, that it goes smoothly for you.


Me: BS, 45 Him: XWH, 45
Together 8 yrs, married for 5
DDay 04.10.13 Divorced 05.14.13
Two furbabies

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 567 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

“There are no happy endings.
Endings are the saddest part,
So just give me a happy middle
And a very happy start.”
~Shel Silverstein, Every Thing on It


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2113 | Registered: Jun 2009
Maxiom
Member
Member # 26001
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

As others have said here closure is an illusion.

What you want is that final hit of hope-ium. You will find it no where near as satisfying as you might think.

I didn't meet with the previous owners when I closed on my house, nether will you need to talk to her. Let everything be handled by the notaries/lawyers and just walk away.


Me: FBS/WS 41
Her FWS/BS 41
My DDay - March 10, 2007 Whole Truth - May 2007
Her DDay - March 2, 2011
True NC March 3, 2011

Posts: 435 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Canada
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Don't make the mistakes I made. I was desperate for closure from him. I cried, wrote letter after letter, forced him to meet with me... None of it went well. Not only did I not get my closure from him, I got more pain on top of the pain he'd already inflicted. And I'm sure I fed his already super inflated, gigantic ego. I wish I never gave him the satisfaction.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1514 | Registered: Aug 2010
sunsetslost
Member
Member # 39885
Wink  Posted: 10:30 AM, October 4th (Friday)

So, you guys aren't being very clear. You don't think it's a good idea?

Thank you as always for the advice and wisdom.


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Jul 2013
npain
Member
Member # 33539
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, October 4th (Friday)

What everyone is trying to say, Sunset is that you just have to let go of the dream to say things to her. It's not as if she cares about what you have to say to her. You won't get the response that you want from her. Closure is an illusion, you just have to walk away. Journal, write letters, write here, but the truth is, she's not worth your feelings anymore.

And I agree with the others to do the closing separately--less pain for you.


S,beginning D

Posts: 507 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: New York
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, October 4th (Friday)

So, you guys aren't being very clear. You don't think it's a good idea?

You'd get more closure sticking your hand in a blender. Seriously. It would probably hurt less and do far less damage.

Do the closing separately. Smash the glasses.

Oh, how I envy you....


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4554 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, October 4th (Friday)

Your hell only started in June. May seem like you're moving on, but in all honesty closure can take years. You're probably still angry, depressed and all that crap in between. Don't offer any big symbols or gestures of "the end" with her. It's not going to matter and only zaps your self respect that much more. She already had her closure when she decided to cheat on you. Don't give her the satisfaction that she knows you're still thinking about the marriage in any form, even of it's the form of the end. It feeds their inner egos more than you know. Keep real business like and pre-sign with the title office and don't see her. If she really wanted to see you again she would have already communicated that to you. The pain of rejection will only knock you back after all you've gained.


BS(me) 47
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1361 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
FieldsOfLavender
Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, October 4th (Friday)

While the effect may not be what Sunset wants/hopes for, Sunset, you should do what YOU want to do. About 3 months after my stbx met whore, I SAW OWhore at a restaurant near my work. I had all her contact info and wanted to contact her and asked on a parenting blog some advice. I really wanted to confront the whore. Everybody on the blog discouraged me saying the vows were between my stbx and me not her. I never confronted her, now they are in a relationship and about to start a new family.

Posts: 183 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
FieldsOfLavender
Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, October 4th (Friday)

Let me add, I am wondering if I had confronted her, would their online romance flourished or would she have run away? I won't ever know.

Posts: 183 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
sunsetslost
Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, October 4th (Friday)

Thank you my friends. You have given me so much. A reality based perspective that fortunately my friends and family have little experience with. Ours is a unique perspective on marriage, on life. I've said it on here before : It's like having the answers to the test before class starts.


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Jul 2013
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, October 5th (Saturday)

“There are no happy endings.
Endings are the saddest part,
So just give me a happy middle
And a very happy start.” ~Shel Silverstein, Every Thing on It

This is a beautiful response!

I have come to realize in the short time since dday that every response from me leads to a one-up from my WW. There is no closure. She has to get the last word because it is my fault...the last one was that I need perspective because she is dying and I'm not...basically I'm not sympathetic to her cancer and she should be able to do anything she wants.

You will not get closure by poking her at your closing. As you pull away from the curb you will see the "its's his fault!" bumper sticker in your rear-view.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
CharlieFoxtrot
Member
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

Agreed. I understand the desire and good heartedness from your end, but the yield will be nothing but painful. Even "You never deserved this" can/will be followed up with blameshifting. Ask me how I know

The truth I had to come to was that it's all water underneath a bridge I burned, never gonna recross. And then the realization hit that I tend to err on the side of naivety...

Be your own hero, sunsets. There is no explanation worthy of further pain and giving her access to your emotions. Just mow that grass, walk the fuck away, and don't look back.


Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
sunsetslost
Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

I appreciate all the advice. I have a lot to think about. I have the blessing of time but it's running out here. I admire all of your strength and will take your experience into account. FWIW I have changed my mind about one "last goodbye". Reality is settling in.


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Jul 2013
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

Wise and brave choice.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 803 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

((((sunsets))))
FWIW I have changed my mind about one "last goodbye". Reality is settling in.
Reality has a way of doing that. You sound very strong and thoughtful, sunsets. These last few steps of the D process are full of potholes. Be gentle with yourself and allow for the roller coaster to start up again - it's a sneaky little bastard.


You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22649 | Registered: Aug 2011
sunsetslost
Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, October 7th (Monday)

It's all happening so fast most days I'm strong. I've been exceedingly nice to her and it's taking a toll on me. But she's so close to the edge I have to protect my assets. If she flakes on the mortgage then I'm screwed. If she fails in her attempt to refi the house I'm stuck. I just want to be done and out and start over. I'm taking another trip to FL to see friends in a couple of weeks. Good for the soul.


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Jul 2013
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, October 7th (Monday)

I've thought this often, sunsets, that the answers I don't have are what linger in mind.

However, if I attempted what you're possibly strategizing here, I would get more lies or rearrangements of the truth.

It's my two cents to add that the truth they have to give us is their "truth" and colored by what happened to them, so it probably will not match our truth and...may hurt more or add more confusion.

Closure can come from other sources but we have to recognize it. The X's are not on our side, not our friends, they do not have our backs. I know you've probably heard that over and over but it helps me to remember.

The closure is in the papers you sign and in moving to that beach and noodling through the gulf again, or whichever place you choose.

The ideas on your thread about the glasses are good ones and sometimes symbolism does help.

I'll add that I admire your chance to go where your heart takes you.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 27