User Topic: Not Just Friends freak out
Member # 37797
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

I'm two years post DDay and still looking for anything to help me get through this. Today I bought the repeatedly recommended book "Not Just Friends" and started reading. I can only get through a few pages before getting agitated, almost like continuous triggers. Am I too late in this process to read this? Is it worthwhile to push myself through these reminders? Will I get anything from this, since it's already established that they were not just friends and this A has already happened?

Me: BW 50's
Him: WH 60ish
Married all my adult life
LTA, in limbo re: R

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Eastern seaboard
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

I read it 3 weeks past dday and felt like it was ripping my heart out. It's a great book but oh my God, the triggers.

I have no advice for you but if you can, push through. Maybe skip to the middle??

Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

It was a really hard book for me to read too. Especially the first few chapters. I got angry reading it.

It does get better in the middle, when it talks about how to handle triggers. Some of the things helped me.

30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 39911
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

I'm glad to know I wasn't the only one who got angry while reading this book. I stuck it under another stack of books where it has stayed. I guess I should give it another try.

Me: BS - 58
Him: WS - 56
Married 34 yrs

Latest DD - April 2013, PA

Posts: 197 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 40128
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, October 4th (Friday)

I'm a year past D-Day and just bought it. I'm halfway through it, and it's been the worst month in a long time. I think it's because I'm reading the book. It's like reliving all of the details all over again.

I think it could be too late to read this book. I think it may be too late for me. It has taken me back a million steps.

Me: BW
Him: WH
Married 13 years at time of D-Day, 2 small children
D-day 1: 8/16/12 (told it was EA only)
D-day 2: 9/22/12 (the OW confessed to the truth and exposed the PA)
12 month affair, 10 months PA
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, October 4th (Friday)

I skimmed through the book. It was too painful for me to read. I literally threw it in the garbage. The best thing I could do for my recovery was NOT reading that book!

DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1460 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, October 4th (Friday)

At this point it would be better for the WS that doesn't "get it" to be reading it.

Shortly after DDay it was a godsend because I didn't understand what had happened.

Being armed with all the info now, it would just be salt in the wound to read it again.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17810 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, October 4th (Friday)

I found this book to be very helpful. It articulated my feelings, let me look at the triggers and deal with the actuality of the A. It gave me tools to move forward, helped me with talking to my WS. I don't think it is too late to read it. Remember you don't get over an A, you get through it. This book was a tremendous help for me.

edited for spelling!

[This message edited by momentintime at 1:20 AM, October 4th (Friday)]

BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time." Bionical girl

Posts: 2985 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Member # 37797
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

Thanks, I've been reading it but can only do a page or two at a time before I have to put it down. Just glad to know I'm not alone in my struggle.

Me: BW 50's
Him: WH 60ish
Married all my adult life
LTA, in limbo re: R

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Eastern seaboard
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

I could only read the second half of the book. The second half is not as triggery. Fwh read the whole book.

Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 509 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 35417
Question  Posted: 7:57 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

I need to ask a question, please.

The title sounds like it is a book for someone who doesn't have good boundaries with friends. Like someone that was a friend or coworker became the affair person.

Does this book apply to ONS?

Would it be helpful for a WS who doesn't 'get it' who had a ONS???

It is like getting blood from a turnip to get my husband to read anything and if I push it, I want it to be something that would really apply to him.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

It has great ideas on reconciling but man does it trigger and make me worse some days. I end up in a heaping mess because it makes me think of things I hadn't even thought of yet!

BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
Member # 40169
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

I'm reading it too I'm only in the 40-50 pages. There's a page on helping with Triggers? I don't think my WS will read it. I don't think that he even understand what triggers are.

Posts: 171 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Illinois
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

WhatsRight, that's a good question. Mr. Trac-Fone tends to lean toward stranger sex, even though the terminal affair was, in fact, a full-blown I-love-her (and can't let go of her) affair. (Really, it was stranger sex wearing a disguise.)

Anyway, I do think that Not JUST Friends would have been helpful to him---not just for the last affair, but when he was wandering the landscape without boundary.

But it would only have helped if he read it, and there's no way he would. He lies to himself even more effectively than he lies to others (an astounding feat), and he's never really been willing to examine his lack of boundaries.

Yes, it would be a helpful book if your WS were in a place where he was willing to look at his lack of boundaries, and take information that might be written in a way that does not DIRECTLY apply to him, and extrapolate what DOES apply to him.

My husband never reached that place. I'm coming up on four years out, and he doesn't get it. He never will.

If your WH is not motivated to independently do the things that might facilitate recovery, no---it's not one I'd push.

The real key is independent motivation. If he's not motivated to find resources to help with reconciliation, that's one of the actions (or, rather, inactions) we talk about so much here. He needs to be steering his ship, and if he's not--and that continues--it's a red flag. (One I wish I'd seen and paid attention.)

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8835 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

The title sounds like it is a book for someone who doesn't have good boundaries with friends. Like someone that was a friend or coworker became the affair person.

I think that's exactly right. I don't know that the book would be so useful for those whose WS hired prostitutes or had a ONS. My FWH was involved with a co-worker, and his trajectory into the A followed the path outlined in the book exactly.

I found the book very helpful, but my FWS has yet to get past the first half of the first chapter. I think it's just so humiliating for him to realize that what he and OW thought was a unique and precious relationship was just ordinary, sleazy, and drearily predictable.

The one chapter in the book I wish were better is the one on the Other Woman. Glass focuses on single OWs. I would have liked better insight into married OWs, as my FWH was involved with a MOW.

Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA

Posts: 407 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

It helped me because it cemented, in my mind, that my boundaries needed to be tighter. I thought my boundaries were good because I knew I wouldn't cross them and wouldn't let anyone else cross them.

This book made it apparent to me that the knowing of that isn't enough. Participating in situations where racial, or sexist, or what-have-you jokes are told, or other cross gender situations occur is tavit approval. ?it is the beginning of erosion of boundaries. Our media is full of it. However, if your boundaries are clear then you learn ways to navigate away from it.

------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

8 months in and I just am reading NJF (although not my first self-help book!)...

I just finished Chapter 10 this morning and oh, boy, am I having revelations... (I think I will start a new thread rather than t/j)

However, I want to say that will this book is hard to read at times, it is SO insightful. It just nails it, time and time again. It hits on many different scenarios, so I really do feel you can find your own situation in here, although there will be some that don't apply.

Yes, I think it would be incredibly helpful if a WS read it. But I am no longer pushing. He "gets it" and works to fix himself, or I am done.

RE: ONS. Yes, this book is based on the premise that more affairs are starting due to interactions in the workplace or other common interest organizations, but the digging into the history and attitudes of the WS can be applied to anyone. I believe most of this book can be applied to anyone in any of our varied situations.

Hope you can push yourself to keep reading... Wishing you strength and peace.

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 10:52 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]

Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 710 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Topic Posts: 17